Need to vent, need support...
Chica650
able to help me. I have been married to a wonderful man for 6 months
now. We have been together a total of a year. My husband has a 5 year
old son. When my step-son was 2 his mother left and never looked back.
From the time he was 2 until he was 4 he spent an EXTREME amount of
time at my husbands mom and sisters house. My husband worked all the
time to support him and his son, so his son pretty much lived with his
grandmother and aunt. When I moved in, it was no longer necessary for
my step-son to be at their houses as much so I pretty much just stepped
into the role of "insta-mommy". I love my husband so much I was happy
to fill this role for him, however this past year has been without a
doubt the most stressful and irritating year of my life. My step-son
makes me crazy. He doesn't listen, doesn't mind, doesn't think things
through....he absolutely irritates everything inside me and brings up
feelings that I never knew I was capable of. When I talk to him he
sits there with a blank look on his face that I just want to slap
off....he's a very trying child. I feel so guilty, because I'm the
only mother he knows, and everyone just expects me to step into that
role, but I have spent the past year trying to form a bond with this
child, and I don't think it's EVER going to happen. He's very close to
his grandmother and aunt and they are of NO HELP to this situation at
all. They feel threatened by my presence and repeatedly try to usurp
my authority, and put me down in my step-sons eyes. I tried to keep
him from them as a solution to this problem, but they threw a three
alarm fit and made my life HELL over this, and I found it was just
easier to give in than fight.
Recently I gave birth to my first child and now it seems harder than
ever to contain my irritation with my step-son. I feel so guilty over
the feelings I have, but having my own child amplifies the fact that I
am NOT his mother and he is not my child. I already have feelings
toward my daughter that I don't feel toward my step-son. I feel
protective of her, and feel such a deep love that I don't feel toward
him, and that makes me feel so guilty.
I truly don't know how to solve this situation with him. I try so
hard, but to no avail. He doesn't open up to me, he doesn't respond to
my affection, and sometimes I wish I could just let him go live with
his grandmother or aunt. I almost this I would, except for the fact
that this action would hurt my husband very much. I want to do right
by my step-son, because I know that what has happened to him in his
life isn't his fault. I don't want to play favorites with my daughter,
but it's very hard not to, because we share a bond that my step-son and
I can't ever share.
If there's anyone out there who can offer an encouraging word, I would
GREATLY appreciate it!!
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MR Brunjes
year old daughter. They don't live with me. The only live-ins I have are 2
kitties. With that said...
Consistency seems to be the key to so many things. Try to be as consistent
as you possibly can. If you want your SS to put away his toys before he
watches cartoons, then make sure he puts away his toys before he watches
cartoons. And if you tell him he can have a cookie after lunch, then he
gets to have a cookie after lunch.
It is obviously vital that your DH back you up & that the two of you agree
on the behavior you expect from SS & on the rewards & corrective measures
you'll use.
Basically your SS is being a little pain in the butt, and I don't know any
one that wouldn't be irritated, annoyed & a bit resentful of a pain in the
butt. It is quite possible that once your SS's behavior becomes more what
you think it should be, you'll find yourself feeling kindlier toward him.
Take care of yourself,
Melody
Chica650 <chica650...@hotmail.com.invalid> wrote in message
news:1ad5cfac...@usw-ex0107-050.remarq.com...
Anne Robotti
written your post" encourage you? It probably shouldn't, my life is
far from perfect and my relationship with my SD can be pretty bad. But
I understand how you feel and the role of "instamommy" is one I took
on for the same reasons you did. My SD spent all of her dad's visitation
time with his parents. He worked constantly. She was a total and com-
plete brat, and they were sick of it. When I came along, they lunged on
me like drowning people grab a rope. My husband and I had been DATING
for two months when I had SD all weekend, every weekend. And she threw
tantrums in public (and private) places. She had to be watched every
second or she was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be. She lied, she
stole things, she broke things on purpose... it was indescribable. The
only thing that really saved me is that when we got married they went
to an every-other-weekend custody arrangement. That gave me a little
bit of breathing room. I couldn't have lasted if DH had had custody. I
wouldn't have married him.
If you would like to get advice, I won't give any because I totally
bungled most of the whole situation. I can give you a list of things I
wish I had done, if that'll help.
I wish I had put my foot down and insisted that DH be there during his
custody time with SD, even if it meant quitting his job. I wish that
the fact he didn't think of this on his own had served as more of a
wakeup call to me.
I wish I had defined the limits more clearly of stuff I did because
there was really nobody else to do it and stuff I was doing to be a
martyr. I wish I had let other people help me more.
I wish I hadn't wasted a ton of time trying to feel what I *should*
feel and had dealt with what my feelings were more honestly. I wish I
had been able to accept that I didn't have to love my SD. I wish I
had dealt more openly with all the resentment that built up inside of
me.
I wish I had backed away from the whole situation earlier, and stopped
trying to fix everybody in it.
I wish I had understood what things I couldn't control and figured out
ways to stop worrying about them a long time ago. I wish I hadn't pro-
tected DH from the responsibilities of parenting so much.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
Anne
Merrie
your in-laws and SS and you. I would think that he would be the key for
change in this situation.
I also don't think that keeping SS from MIL, SIL would be a solution. I
am not surprised that they raised HELL and would like to know what DH did at
this time.
Merrie
> If there's anyone out there who can offer an encouraging word, I would
> GREATLY appreciate it!!
>
>
>
Sarai
Ditto to every single one of these wishes.
>
>I wish I had put my foot down and insisted that DH be there during his
>custody time with SD, even if it meant quitting his job. I wish that
>the fact he didn't think of this on his own had served as more of a
>wakeup call to me.
>
>I wish I had defined the limits more clearly of stuff I did because
>there was really nobody else to do it and stuff I was doing to be a
>martyr. I wish I had let other people help me more.
>
>I wish I hadn't wasted a ton of time trying to feel what I *should*
>feel and had dealt with what my feelings were more honestly. I wish I
>had been able to accept that I didn't have to love my SD. I wish I
>had dealt more openly with all the resentment that built up inside of
>me.
>
>I wish I had backed away from the whole situation earlier, and stopped
>trying to fix everybody in it.
>
>I wish I had understood what things I couldn't control and figured out
>ways to stop worrying about them a long time ago. I wish I hadn't pro-
>tected DH from the responsibilities of parenting so much.
>
>I wish, I wish, I wish.
>
>Anne
>Chica650 wrote:
>>
Merrie
again. I don't get mad, I just point out that they've checked out and what
I'm saying is important and I'll wait until they are ready to listen.
Jennaii <jen...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991130211802...@ng-bd1.aol.com...
> You need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband. Then the two
of
> you need to talk to HIS mother and sister.
>
> By the way, I KNOW this look....
>
> >When I talk to him he
> >sits there with a blank look on his face that I just want to slap
> >off....
>
>
> "This time: gonna do it RIGHT!" -- Bob Seger
> Jennaii
Chica650
knows how all this will turn out, but it really helps to see that I'm
not the only one in this situation!!
Jennaii
Hornetmld
been raising since he was six and now he is nine...... His mom too walked out
when he was just a tot and never looked back then it was just him and dad for
four years...... My case is Dad just let SS have his way, it was easier to deal
with him, if he didn't like dad's girlfriend dad got rid of her, he didn't have
to eat anyting he didn't like etc.... (Dad is paying for his mistakes now...)
In the last three years I've had my ups and downs with SS....He has became
angry and tells me and his dad he wants me to leave...... We talked to him and
things got better but then this past summer SS destroyed the neighbors garden
because he said I grounded him for a week.....So again we talked and moved
on....Then SS started destroying things around the house and stealing money out
of my purse....He told his dad he would not be good until I left... He don't
like the rules and the fact that dad and I love each other......Ok well I
withdrew a bit from my husband to let him have time but this just made it
worse....
My SS this school year has pulled a behavior card everyday, told the teacher to
kiss his _ss, been to detention at least ten times, got my oldesst son into a
fight because he told lies to other kids, the list goes on......All this from a
now nine year old...... I feel like a lost pup and have considered leaivng my
husband......I recently had emergency heart surgery and my step son said his
dad was broke because of me and he wishes I would of died.....I feel guilty, as
you, for not loving my SS as I do my own sons......I feel like I'm going to
hell becaue just to look at SS irritates the crap out of me......Just to hear
his voice aggravates along that last nerve I'm clinging too.......
So no don't feel bad about your feelings at least your honest..... that is the
only solace I find within myself........
I wish you luck and if you ever need to rant I have an extra ear and
shoulder...... :)
Mary
~ Joy ~
was just a toddler. She used to call and visit, but we haven't heard from
her since June, and she hasn't visited in almost 2 years.
Anyway, when she left my DH and SD, DH was pretty screwed up so his mom &
her husband raised SD. Yes, she was a BRAT when I met her (his whole family
agrees). We moved in together a year after I met DH, and since he was
working the night shift, I was basically a single-step-insta-mommy. Yes,
I'm pretty strict, and run a tight ship, but you can really see the change
in her. She doesn't talk back anymore, respects adults and is a very sweet
child. She has her moments, like every kid, and I know that we can't change
her personality, but we've been able to change some of her behaviors.
Hang in there!
Anne Robotti
and say, "Are you ready to talk yet?" She used to give me a snotty,
"NO!" or say "Whatever" and then barely listen in that annoying way
that makes you want to clock a kid upside the head. And when that
started happening I would just say, "You're obviously not ready to
talk. That's fine, but if I leave this room we're going to wait
until *I'm* ready." That made her sit up and take notice, I've never
had that problem since. Sometimes she'll say, "Not yet," and I check
back five minutes later, I don't leave her sitting there. But snotty
rudeness gets no attention from me.
Anne
jane lawrence wrote:
>
> Merrie wrote:
> >
> > That's when I stop talking and wait until I have the kid's attention
> > again. I don't get mad, I just point out that they've checked out and what
> > I'm saying is important and I'll wait until they are ready to listen.
>
> That's what I do!
>
> jane
Cindy Martin
you some advice.
I wouldn't suggest stopping visitation between the grandma and the aunt
completely. However, I would try and limit it to maybe a few times during
the week. That way, you can try and teach the child some manners, have some
breathing space while the kid is visiting, and prepare yourself to retrain
once the kid returns from the visit.
Make sure dad spends a lot of quality time with his child. Part of the
problem could be that the kid is used to having all the attention to
himself, now he has to share it with a new sibling.
Dad needs to be sure to understand that since you're doing the parenting, he
needs to make sure his son understands that yes, you do make the rules and
yes, he does have to follow them.
Do you work? If you do, instead of using grandma and auntie to babysit,
find a good, reliable daycare. On top of getting the child away from the in
laws, it will also teach him socialization skills and that he's not the only
child in the planet that needs attention.
I have been there, done that and know exactly what it's like to deal with a
child who's being told you're the worst thing to walk the planet. If you
need to vent (and believe me, you will) feel free to email me.
Cindy
jane lawrence
Vicki Robinson
:He's very close to
:his grandmother and aunt and they are of NO HELP to this situation at
:all. They feel threatened by my presence and repeatedly try to usurp
:my authority, and put me down in my step-sons eyes. I tried to keep
:him from them as a solution to this problem, but they threw a three
:alarm fit and made my life HELL over this, and I found it was just
:easier to give in than fight.
:
Is it even remotely possible to enlist them to help you, instead of
fighting them? Were they poor caretakers? If I had had daily care
and contact with my grandson/nephew, and a stepmom suddenly stepped in
and tried to keep us apart, you *bet* I'd throw a three-alarm fit.
What about asking them what they did when SS did X, Y or Z? How about
asking them to share some of their favorite stories of SS's infancy
and toddlerhood? Pictures? Advice?
I dunno, if they were poor caretakers or if there are other issues
that keep you from getting close this clearly would not work. But if
they perceive you as trying to interfere in their relationship and
trying to "take over" without acknowledging their importance in this
child's life, they're going to be resentful and uncooperative. And
maybe he misses them, too; could that be part of SS's problem?
(And by the way, your own child will sometimes look at you with that
blank look that makes you want to whack it right off hir face; that's
common among little kids.)
Vicki
--
Does it make any sense to say that I decompensate between
paradigms? Probably not. -Jane Lawrence
Someone
Anne Robotti <rob...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in article
<38472844...@worldnet.att.net>...
: Me too. When SD is sent to her room, I stick my head in the door
: and say, "Are you ready to talk yet?" She used to give me a snotty,
: "NO!" or say "Whatever" and then barely listen in that annoying way
: that makes you want to clock a kid upside the head. And when that
: started happening I would just say, "You're obviously not ready to
: talk. That's fine, but if I leave this room we're going to wait
: until *I'm* ready." That made her sit up and take notice, I've never
: had that problem since. Sometimes she'll say, "Not yet," and I check
: back five minutes later, I don't leave her sitting there. But snotty
: rudeness gets no attention from me.
:
: Anne
:
: jane lawrence wrote:
: >
: