Boyfriends children
Becky
divorced 29 year old childless woman. I have known Joe for three
years. We have been dating exclusively for five months now. He has
full time custody of his eight year old daughter, seven year old
daughter, and four year old son. Their mother left the family three
years ago. She has since moved back to the same city and visits them
maybe once a month for a few hours at a time. I do not reside at
Joe's house, however spend ALOT of time there. He really makes me
feel happy, so I naturally want to spend time there, plus, the
convienence of being there sometimes outways going home. Joe works
shift work, and the kids are in my care often. I basically have them
now if I am not at work. I am enjoying the responsibility, however it
does seem overwhelming at times. I have some specific concerns, but
am sure someone "out there" already has some suggestions for me. I
will post more messages regarding the specific issues in the near
future. Try to have a GREAT day! Becky
ni...@impactwp.com
news:4a6db100.04030...@posting.google.com...
Hi Becky, and welcome.
I've been a stepparent for almost ten years now. I have two stepkids, SS14
and SD9, with different mothers. SS has lived with us for eight years now,
with a very problematic relationship with the BM for four years, great for
the last four. SD lives with her mother and we've always had visitation.
IME and opinion there are three major pitfalls to both look out for and ward
off at all costs! They are:
1) Waking up a few months or years from now and realising that you do ALL of
the childcare, get NO appreciation and NO time off without a major guilt
trip or shouting match. It's a simple fact that in many relationships much
of the household and childcare responsibilities will fall to the woman of
the house unless you are clear about your boundaries and what you will and
will not do. IMO it's fine if you're happy to do a lot of the childcare. But
my advice would be to *always* maintain a dynamic where it is not *expected*
of you and you receive much gratitude for what you have done. I'm talking
'thanks for having the kids today honey' each and every day, so that it is
clear that you are doing him a huge favour and not actually assuming
responsibility for that work. I would also recommend that you keep a
practice of taking time out for yourself, saying No to taking care of the
kids sometimes (just so it's clear that you can do so) and being clear with
your SO about your feelings and needs. For example, if he doesn't want to
hear how tough the kids have been today? Well buddy, they're not my problem,
and if I'm going to look after them for you I'm going to need you to listen
for 10 minutes while I bitch about them and then I'll feel better. If you
don't like it, find another babysitter. Talking of babysitters, make sure
you've got them. His family, paid for local teenagers, whatever. Have an
escape route and take time together away from the children, often.
2) Spending the next four or five years of your life hating BM and generally
expending the large majority of your emotional, mental and spiritual energy
in her direction. OK, so I'm not picking up major clues on this one from
your post. But bear with me, this one is my personal pet favourite, having
ruined my own life with it for several years. There are literally a billion
reasons why you need to maintain positive feelings about her. Making it
easier for the kids etc etc etc. None of these worked for me, sadly I had to
see what I was going to get out of it before I could snap out of it and
improve my life. So I'll offer you those reasons instead. BM doesn't seem to
want to play much of a role in the kids' lives right now, but that could
change. And when it does, you need to welcome her with open arms. Because
she could be a major key to you getting time off and time alone with your
partner. We've even suggested here that even in intact families that we
should have someone to take the kids every other weekend because it's such a
bonus! So keep that channel open. Everything you can do to be positive about
her, both with your partner and the children will just increase the
likelihood of her taking them for more time in the future. Trust me.
3) Waking up in a few months or years from now and realising that actually
all of the problems that you have with the kids and with BM are actually
huge problems that you have with your boyfriend and what an absolute idiot
he can be sometimes. Note, this one normally comes after you've already
married and had a baby together in your ignorance. Admittedly, this one is
closely tied in with 1 and 2. 1, because if you don't set the boundaries I
mention you've inviting him to behave badly and 2 because most of us
initially blame BM for our SO's failings. In your case for 2 it might be him
bitching that she never takes the kids, but actually he gives her shit and a
guilt trip when she does get in touch. You gradually realise just why she
stays away - him! Or, the other classic which applies to those stepfamilies,
unlike yourselves, with visitation, where the stepmother bitches for years
about how little her partner gets to see his kids because of the bitch BM,
then she wakes up and realises it's because her partner can't stand up to
BM, never challenges the status quo, and can't even be bothered to attempt
to get more visitation. In your case my main thing would be making sure your
SO is getting child support. Because if he's not and you move in, guess
who's going to be spending a lot of cash on the kids? Yup, you.
Other than that, it's plain sailing! ;-)
Nikki
jane
>now if I am not at work. I am enjoying the responsibility, however it
>does seem overwhelming at times.
I want to say, "What are you, NUTS?", but I'm told that that is distancing.
How did you become responsible for these other people's children? . You are
certainly not the only one go from hot young single babe to unpaid full time
babysitter without understanding precisely how it happened. Welcome to the
Cinderella In Reverse Club. I think five months is a new record, though.
You've got to regroup and reevaluate the situation. Because unless you looked
at Joe and thought, "Wow, he is *cute*! Maybe he'll let me babysit his kids,"
this affair is not moving entirely in the direction you want it to.
Step out of the whirlwind for a minute, and think. What do you want to be
doing? Where do you want this relationship to go?
jane
Anne Robotti
>> I basically have them
>>now if I am not at work. I am enjoying the responsibility, however it
>>does seem overwhelming at times.
>
>I want to say, "What are you, NUTS?", but I'm told that that is distancing.
Really? How odd.
>How did you become responsible for these other people's children? . You are
>certainly not the only one go from hot young single babe to unpaid full time
>babysitter without understanding precisely how it happened. Welcome to the
>Cinderella In Reverse Club. I think five months is a new record, though.
You've forgotten the
Anne-Robotti-met-him-in-November-gave-up-Broadway-tickets-in-January-because-he-had-hockey-tickets
story, aren't you dear? She'd hardly be the only person to go from
smitten to stupid that fast. I think that what happens is that it just
sneaks up on you. And quite frankly, in the beginning it's nice to be
in a relationship, getting along with his kid makes you feel like
you're clicking more with him and "helping" him is good for both of
you <gag>. But unfortunately once many guys smell a willing babysitter
for their custody time, that's what you are.
>
>You've got to regroup and reevaluate the situation. Because unless you looked
>at Joe and thought, "Wow, he is *cute*! Maybe he'll let me babysit his kids,"
>this affair is not moving entirely in the direction you want it to.
You know though, I think that there's something about watching a guy's
kid all the time that feels so "married." You feel like the
relationship is more serious than it is, because after all, he
wouldn't just be shoving his kid off on you because he's sick of the
little punk, it must be because he loves and trusts you.
I'm not trying to rag on the OP. Really, I'm looking back at my young,
stupid self and seeing the mistakes I made and just being so
disgusted. What was the deal there? Was I desperate? Dumb? I just
don't know.
>
>Step out of the whirlwind for a minute, and think. What do you want to be
>doing? Where do you want this relationship to go?
And that's *your* relationship with *him* that Jane's talking about,
not "do you want a ready-made family"? The question she's too delicate
to ask is, "Are you just letting other people's expectations or the
fear of messing up do your thinking for you? Are you so caught up in
how great you're doing with the kid that you're pursuing a
relationship that's way more than you really need in your life?
Looking forward ten years, is this bullshit REALLY what you want?
Jesus girl, are there holes in your track shoes? RUN!!!"
Jane is nothing if not subtle.
Anne
heather m.
ASSP haiku line "ha ha newbie no" I fell off my chair laughing so hard. I
think of myself 10 years ago and just want to go back in time and bitch-slap
myself.
Heather
"all will be fine....."
yea RIGHT!
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:1g7i40psi7j2u5uvc...@4ax.com...
Geri and sometimes Brian
>ASSP haiku line "ha ha newbie no" I fell off my chair laughing so hard.
Those were damned fine examples of literary talent. European literature - pah.
I would set Anne's ASSP haikus up against them any day of the week.
~~Geri~~
Melissa
>Those were damned fine examples of literary talent. European literature -
>pah.
> I would set Anne's ASSP haikus up against them any day of the week.
>
>~~Geri~~
>
The complete works of Anne Robotti. I'd sign up for that course in a
heartbeat.
Love,
Melissa
"The old Tom didn't poison your fish either!"
-Carson Kressley, from Queer Eye
jane
>think of myself 10 years ago and just want to go back in time and bitch-slap
>myself.
I think we need t-shirts. Or maybe bumper stickers.
jane
>Heather
Geri and sometimes Brian
>heartbeat.
Absolutely.
~~Geri~~
heather m.
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
news:20040305231825...@mb-m21.aol.com...
> >
> >Those were damned fine examples of literary talent. European
literature -
> >pah.
> > I would set Anne's ASSP haikus up against them any day of the week.
> >
> >~~Geri~~
> >
>
> The complete works of Anne Robotti. I'd sign up for that course in a
> heartbeat.
> Love,
> Melissa
Or...The Genius Irony of Anne Robotti.....
We really need to stop before she starts making us pay homage to her...
Heather
heather m.
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040305231937...@mb-m01.aol.com...
They could read...
"Ha ha newbie no"-alt.support.step-parents
Usenet's Finest!
Heather
Amy Lou
I am a
> divorced 29 year old childless woman.
He has
> full time custody of his eight year old daughter, seven year old
> daughter, and four year old son.
I basically have them
> now if I am not at work.
Just out of curiosity what did you do with your spare time 5 months ago?
Amy
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>Or...The Genius Irony of Anne Robotti.....
>
>We really need to stop before she starts making us pay homage to her...
Starts?
No worries anyway, I love threads about me, the last thing I'd do is
get in the way of one! This is where I fill my pathetic attention and
love needs.
Anne
The Watsons
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comspamzap> wrote in message
news:20040305231825...@mb-m21.aol.com...
> heartbeat.
i'd buy the book in a heartbeat...
Jess
The Watsons
"heather m." <heath...@nunya.com> wrote in message
news:fgd2c.23756$aT1....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
> We really need to stop before she starts making us pay homage to her...
it just shows that all her training is finally sinking in...;)
Jess
rebecca
> divorced 29 year old childless woman. I have known Joe for three
> years. We have been dating exclusively for five months now. He has
> full time custody of his eight year old daughter, seven year old
> daughter, and four year old son. Their mother left the family three
> years ago.
Hi Becky,
Listen, what everyone's saying is true enough, it's just about 3 steps more
advanced than it sounds like you are. There are some decent books out there
about stepparenting, and some really stupid ones. Read a couple, get a feel
for what the general issues are. In the beginning, I found it helpful to
also read some about single parenting and coparenting, it gave me a sense
for areas where my SO was doing well and where he wasn't. I also liked
talking to/listening to people like Jane and Vicki, who manage to coparent
amicably with their ex-husbands. They give good perspective.
In general, though, this early in a relationship, I'd be a touch wary about
how deeply you get involved with those kids. If their mother is mostly
absent, they're going to be needy and looking for a mother-figure. You may
or may not be that person, but until you're a little surer about where your
relationship is going, it isn't fair to the kids, does that make sense?
rebecca
jane
>until you're a little surer about where your
>relationship is going, it isn't fair to the kids, does that make sense?
Nicely done! I had no idea how to bring that up.
jane
>rebecca
rebecca
Well, thanks! Right back at you with the 'Cinderella in reverse club' - I
laughed so hard I drooled. Well, okay, I didn't drool, exactly. But I'm
pretty sure I aspirated part of the cookie I was eating when I snorted.
I hate girlscout cookie drives. I always gain weight.
rebecca
jane
>
>rebecca
They usually sell them outside supermarkets here. They didn't this year
because of the strike. So I haven't seen a GS cookie in forever.
jane
Kathy Cole
wrote:
> Well, thanks! Right back at you with the 'Cinderella in reverse club' - I
> laughed so hard I drooled. Well, okay, I didn't drool, exactly. But I'm
> pretty sure I aspirated part of the cookie I was eating when I snorted.
>
> I hate girlscout cookie drives. I always gain weight.
I'm actually doing shockingly well at avoiding our cookies (we've still
got a couple of cases left). I'm not sure why it's working, but I'm
certainly not going to argue.
Anne Robotti
sometimes Brian) wrote:
My boss always says she's going to personally organize my book-signing
at Barnes & Noble. :-D
Anne
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
> I was searching for information about "step" parenting. I am a
> divorced 29 year old childless woman. I have known Joe for three
> years. We have been dating exclusively for five months now. He has
> full time custody of his eight year old daughter, seven year old
> daughter, and four year old son. Their mother left the family three
> years ago. She has since moved back to the same city and visits them
> maybe once a month for a few hours at a time.
Hi, Becky, and welcome to the group.
Your story sounds a bit reminescent of mine, although Chewy and I were
both custodial parents when we met. We have four children, total.
The oldest (OD, 22yo) has never lived with me. Her bio-mom left when
she was tiny. The next two (OS, 16yo and YD, 14yo) were 11yo and 9yo
when we met. Their bio-mom left when they were 3yo and 1.5yo. The
youngest (YS, 13yo) was 9yo when we met. His father and I had
seperated 3 years before.
YS is 6 months younger than YD. When we decided to blend our family
together, YD went from being the baby of the family to being "just"
the baby girl, while YS went from being a "lonely only" to being the
youngest child in the house. OS went from being the only son to
having a little brother. It's been an interesting 4.5 yrs. :-)
I don't pop in a lot these days. With four teens at home (our 3 plus
OS's best friend), we decided to get rid of 'net access at the house.
It makes life much easier this way. An added bonus is that the kids
are forced to spend more time *together* </faux shock> when they can't
spend as much time on the computers.
Kitten
Geri and sometimes Brian
>> divorced 29 year old childless woman. I have known Joe for three
>> years. We have been dating exclusively for five months now. He has
>> full time custody of his eight year old daughter, seven year old
>> daughter, and four year old son.
I must have missed this post. Why would you want to take this on, just out of
curiousity? Zero children to three of someone else's children?
Big.Life.Change. and you will be the one doing most of the sacrificing.
~~Geri~~
"We salute you, Mr. Multi-color Sweater Guy".
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
>
> >> I basically have them
> >>now if I am not at work. I am enjoying the responsibility, however it
> >>does seem overwhelming at times.
> >
> >I want to say, "What are you, NUTS?", but I'm told that that is distancing.
>
> Really? How odd.
>
> >How did you become responsible for these other people's children? . You are
> >certainly not the only one go from hot young single babe to unpaid full time
> >babysitter without understanding precisely how it happened. Welcome to the
> >Cinderella In Reverse Club. I think five months is a new record, though.
>
> You've forgotten the
> Anne-Robotti-met-him-in-November-gave-up-Broadway-tickets-in-January-because-he-had-hockey-tickets
> story, aren't you dear? She'd hardly be the only person to go from
> smitten to stupid that fast. I think that what happens is that it just
> sneaks up on you. And quite frankly, in the beginning it's nice to be
> in a relationship, getting along with his kid makes you feel like
> you're clicking more with him and "helping" him is good for both of
> you <gag>. But unfortunately once many guys smell a willing babysitter
> for their custody time, that's what you are.
Reading all these responses, I don't know whether to laugh or hold up
a huge sign reading, "WAIT!!! You're scaring the poor girl!"
Remember, she's known this guy 3 years and only started exclusively
dating him 5 months ago. That's not at all like she met him online on
June 29, started dating him (with kids as chaperones, of course) on
July 9, and moved in with him the first week in August. She just
might know him a bit better than some of us knew our SO's when we took
on the step-parenting role. ;-)
Kitten
Geri and sometimes Brian
>a huge sign reading, "WAIT!!! You're scaring the poor girl!"
That's our job.
jane
>might know him a bit better than some of us knew our SO's when we took
>on the step-parenting role. ;-)
>
>Kitten
>
I had known my DH for 24 years. It still came as a shock.
jane