Something Different - Bio Mom Frustration
JDB
think some background info is necessary.
My fiancee and her 3 daughters (ages 3, 12 and 13) recently uprooted
from another city and moved down to Atlanta into my house (I've been
divorced for a couple of years - no kids - but did end up keeping the
house). Mom was married and had her first 2 daughters at a very young
age. She divorced within 2 years and moved away from an apparently very
troubled individual. She has total custody of the 2 girls, never has
received a penny of child support and basically worked her butt off to
raise them herself. The girls have had little-to-no contact with their
father over the years - maybe an occasional phone call or letter, that's
been it. Thus they have given up on him as any kind of influence in
their lives. Several years ago Mom married again and had another
daughter. She divorced from the father a year ago - after meeting him I
can understand why - and again she got full custody of the child. He
does pay sporadic support and sees his daughter every few weeks.
The situation is this:
Mom really dotes on the youngest daughter who is a sweet girl, but very
spoiled. On the other hand, Mom tends to be very abrubt and impatient
with the older 2. Both girls are incredibly helpful around the house,
polite and very sweet. But lately they've both been crying on my
shoulder and making comments like:
"Mom always puts us down", "Mom's never affectionate with us", "I wish
Mom Knew how much I love her", and "Why does A(the youngest daughter)
get all of Mom's attention?"
These are 2 girls approaching some of the most difficult years of a
child's life and they feel totally alone. They feel more comfortable
talking to Mom's sister, or even me, about important stuff. If I were
hearing this in a vacuum, I'd write some of it off to teen angst, but I
have observed it in action. Mom, who tends to be affectionate towards
me and little daughter, very rarely shows any towards the older 2.
Whenever I've delicately tried to bring this up, she says that she
worked so much when they were young, that she never got to "watch them
grow" like she has with youngest daughter. If this means she doesn't
feel close to them, then I'm really concerned. She's very tough on them
- and whiole they know she loves them - she seems to have little
patience for their problems or issues. They don't feel they can talk to
her about anything important. This really concerns me also.
I've been spending alot of time with them (taking them to movies, etc),
trying to let them know that I do care about them (and I do, alot) and
that I'll always be there for them. It helps, I'm sure - but I really
think Mom needs to make an effort to be their friend. Not that I have
any direct or indirect experience in this area, but I've got to believe
that these girls need their Mother's guidance at this time in their
lives - and that if she keeps pushing them away through her impatience,
they could make some really bad decisions.
My question is:
How do I approach this? Should I? Mom has acknowledged her desire for
the 2 of us to work as a team when it comes to the kids, but am I
stepping over the line if I'm questioning her parenting? My main
concern is for the kids, but I can be a friend, and even potentially a
father (we've tentatively discussed adoption) - but I can't replace what
they need from their Mom.
Thanks for listening.
janelaw
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> My fiancee and her 3 daughters (ages 3, 12 and 13) recently uprooted
> from another city and moved down to Atlanta into my house
>
Tough situation. If you read this NG at all, tho, you'll see
that you are not so alone. A major step parent problem is
dealing with what we perceive to be the bioparents' parenting
mistakes and weaknesses.
If I were you, I would go slowly. Keep in mind that SO is going
through an extremely stressful period and might be far more
irritable than usual. She's trying to adjust to a new house, a
new city, (a new job?), and a new person in her living
situation. With her history with men, the commitment to you
must cause some doubt and anxiety. She probably really doesn't
have a lot of time for the older girls' issues.
Don't be too quick to label a 3 yo "spoiled," either. If you
have never had one, then you really can't judge. They are not
little adults. They need (and demand) a lot of attention.
This isn't very helpful, is it? All I can tell you is what
would help me if I were your SO. If I had two preteens that I
did not have time for, then I would adore the man who helped me
steal some time alone with them. I would love to be able to
spend a day getting back in touch with them without worrying
about the 3 yo, the house, the job, etc. Even an afternoon
would be grand. Actually, time alone with each of them would
probably be even better.
Also, if you haven't already, find a sitter for the little one.
Sometimes it is hard when you are from out of town.