Need help thinking this through
Melissa
>randomly doesn't show, it affects the team. SO (the coach) doesn't really
>penalize kids who don't come much, other than they tend to sit out more and
>are lower in the batting order because he isn't as familiar/trusting with/of
>their skills. But it bothers me that SS isn't taking the commitment
>seriously. On the other hand, it is completely unclear to me whether he's
>bailing deliberately or if his mother is being obstructionist about it.
>She's gone from completely objecting to any team sports to having her kid on
>two active teams at once, and I confess I'm wondering if it's a new strategy
>on her part to ruin baseball for SS. (She's violating at least two points
>of the court order by doing all this, but since nobody gives a flying fuck
>about court orders when the primary CP makes up their minds to do something,
>let me not go there.)
>
>And finally, we're in active litigation, so I'm really not looking for
>advice that includes talking to BM. I'm looking for thoughts/suggestions on
>how to deal with the team sport/I made a commitment aspect of things with
>SS. I don't want to hammer him if his mom's an active problem. But I don't
>want to let him use that as an excuse, either, when it may be in part his
>responsibility. Make sense?
>
>rebecca
Don't get mad. SS is nine years old. 9 year olds can't make commitments, even
though team sports can be a great way to teach them how. His father made that
commitment, and he did it knowing how BM was likely to disrupt things as much
as possible.
I hate this kind of crap when it comes up. SS's mother routinely does things
ranging from annoying to downright amoral (IMO), and I see SS's behavior is
influenced by them. BM's influence is always going to be there, and there's
not much anyone can do to counteract that. All that you can do is live by
example, and figure that your SS is a pretty smart kid who will pick up your
and your SO's good habits.
Love,
Melissa
Vanpak1003
so Dad could have more of a middle of the year time like April to August, this
would allow SS to play baseball with Dad and Fall soccer with Mom.
Carey
Carey...@hotmail.com
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>Seeing as baseball is a summer sport can you rearrange the chosing time? Maybe
>so Dad could have more of a middle of the year time like April to August, this
>would allow SS to play baseball with Dad and Fall soccer with Mom.
>
But what would be the point, since if she was going to follow an
agreement or a court order this wouldn't even be an issue?
Anne
Vanpak1003
easier to have the court order altered and adjusted so that each would benefit.
I am both a stepmom and a birth mom, and have seen the struggles from both
sides.
Carey
Carey...@hotmail.com
Melissa
>just don't know if I buy into that completely. When SS said he wanted to
>play, it was during a conversation about how he'd actually have to go, and
>be part of the team, la la la. So he knew, and now I suspect mommy's
>becoming a convenient excuse to get out of some of his obligations. She's
>not helping, I suspect, offering sweeteners for him not to go. But I can't
>help but think that some of this is on him.
>
Yeah, but even if she's just offering sweeteners that's still a form of
manipulation. SS might feel like he can't say that he wants to play when he's
with his mother. She's certainly made it clear to all of you that baseball is
not something she cares about.
>I guess this is tapping a bigger fear I have, something about how his
>parents are divorced becoming an excuse for all his undesirable
>traits/behaviors. I know so many horror stories, and they all come from
>kids whose parents are like SO/BM.
Well you can't do anything about him manipulating BM with this kind of stuff,
but you and SO can make sure that it never works in your home. It's
frustrating, but you guys can do alot to combat that even if BM falls prey to
it.
Love,
Melissa
Vanpak1003
>What's your story?
Well, first i'm 12 years older than my SO, I raised 4 children to adulthood and
survived, I was divorced from hubby #1 when my kids were 14, twins 16, and a 21
year old. I met my SO two years ago and walked into a crazy situation. Bill
has custody of his son, who is ADHD/ODD, Bill is a truck driver so SS was
dropped at his great aunts and saw BM and his 2 sisters off and on, needless to
say he ruled the house. Well, I came along with rules and expectations and its
been a long 2 years but now SS is a joy to be with. We went from a child you
couldn't take to a restaurant other than fast food to a child who now knows how
to behave, has manners, and really knows appropriate behavior. Bill also has
two daughters who live with BM, they are 13 and 8, both severly overweight, the
13 yo has no friends and is very reclusive. The 8 yo is the Starchild, SD came
into the picture when the 8 yo was a baby. Anyway, what can I say - BM resents
me because I don't have to work - Bill says the house and SS are my job! She
also resents that I act as the mother but believe she only pays attention to
her son when she feels like it and if he goes over there he is home within a
couple of hours because she can't or won't handle him. Anyway, basically in a
nutshell that is my story - the good thing is that we are in the midst of
moving from CT where they have lived in a 4 room apartment to MA where I have a
9 room house with a large yard and its on the lake. I'm sure you can figure
out that BM resents that too! The oldest one told Bill that Mom said when we
move she won't be allowed to go up there. Bill wants to get custody of her
too. Anyway, that is why I came to this group, to learn!
Carey
Carey...@hotmail.com
rebecca
"Vanpak1003" <vanpa...@aol.comnospam> wrote in message
news:20040410045021...@mb-m03.aol.com...
> nutshell that is my story - the good thing is that we are in the midst of
> moving from CT where they have lived in a 4 room apartment to MA where I
have a
> 9 room house with a large yard and its on the lake. I'm sure you can
figure
wow, awesome! That must be very exciting. Welcome.
rebecca
jane
>advice that includes talking to BM. I'm looking for thoughts/suggestions on
>how to deal with the team sport/I made a commitment aspect of things with
>SS. I don't want to hammer him if his mom's an active problem. But I don't
>want to let him use that as an excuse, either, when it may be in part his
>responsibility. Make sense?
>
>rebecca
We're opposite on the team sports thing. I think there are a billion other
opportunities for learning about working as a team. And I think the commitment
at your SS's age is primarily a parental one.
That said, what are you doing, Rebecca? The situation between DH and BM is
about as bad as it gets. You've got to let the little shit go. Even if this
is medium shit for you, you've got to let it go. Yes, she can obstruct.
That's the way it is. You don't have to like it. You just have to accept it.
Like snow. Think snow.
jane
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>Um, I guess I thought I was letting it go. I'm pretty sure the question was
>about parenting SS, not dealing with BM.
Oh, well that's easy. Forget it. :-)
The thing about dealing with this kind of stuff with somebody truly
obstructionist on the other side is that none of what you'd say to one
of your own kids will ever ring true.
Think about it. "You have to be at practice," well, no he doesn't,
he's missed several already and there's almost no consequence because
everybody knows it's not his fault, or feels sorry for him, or
whatever. Or there is a consequence, and he doesn't care about it,
like batting lower in the order.
"Your teammates are counting on you, it hurts the whole team when
you're not there," is a very true statement, but to get to practice
you're asking him to a) make the personal commitment to do it and then
b) take on his Mom and make her get him there. That's a tall order for
a nine-year-old, especially one whose enthusiasm may be waning for the
whole thing anyway. My experience with SD was that BM took a lot of
the blame when one of SD's enthusiasms had run its course, BM never
cared about anything we signed her up for.
"Get in the car, you're going." Good luck with that. Can you say "not
part of your court-ordered visitation time?" Can you say "Custodial
parent not complying with a court order?" (who cares?)
And on and on. You can point out the situation, you can encourage him
to do his best to honor his commitment *when he's with you* but you
have to let go of both BM's behavior *and* his when he's with her.
It's very hard. Because you feel like you can actually see the kid's
character backsliding every time BM gets involved, don't you? I always
did. And I still see it, every day.
>
>As I side note, he came to the game today and said his mom wouldn't let him
>come on Thursday, because the game was "too late" (5:30pm).
Yup. And unless you can think of something concrete that Joe can do
about it, you're going to have to suck that up. Concentrate on the
baby. Don't think about it.
Anne
jane
>about parenting SS, not dealing with BM.
>
>come on Thursday, because the game was "too late" (5:30pm).
>
Let it go.
jane
Anne Robotti
Why can you say in three words what it takes me ten paragraphs to say?
I hate that, it makes me feel like I was rambling. Or were you
summarizing my post? Okay, we'll go with that.
Anne
rebecca
rebecca :-)
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:mpki701tnmufeffv6...@4ax.com...
Geri and sometimes Brian
I am kind of leaning toward seeing if you want to go in together and see if we
can get a two-for-one special from Guido the Hit Man. What do you say? :-)
~~Geri~~
[Deep behind enemy lines in Pac-10 Country]
jane
>
>
>Why can you say in three words what it takes me ten paragraphs to say?
>I hate that, it makes me feel like I was rambling. Or were you
>summarizing my post? Okay, we'll go with that.
>
>Anne
And I was thinking that you were so much better than I am at explaining things.
jane
Anne Robotti
sometimes Brian) wrote:
>>Oh damn you both~
>
>I am kind of leaning toward seeing if you want to go in together and see if we
>can get a two-for-one special from Guido the Hit Man. What do you say? :-)
Two for one, hell! I'm in!
Anne
Anne Robotti
I think we should go with a smug realization that we're a great team,
me laying out the important points in detail and you doing the succint
summary. Kind of like those guys after the State of the Union that
tell you what the president said.
Anne
(Totally into any scenario where I get to be the president)
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>Oh damn you both~
>
Kiss kiss honeybunch!
Anne
Lori
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040410193157...@mb-m14.aol.com...
It doesn't snow in my world. Just ask any member of my family. My theory
(to which I still cling even though unproven as yet to others) is that if I
refuse to acknowledge it, the snow is not there. My kids, however, simply
insist that it 8does* snow in *their* world, LOL!
Lori
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