Am I an Evil Step-Mother?
King&Furnish
Recently, my patience and interest in my 2 FSDs, ages 4 1/2 and nearly 6,
has waned, and I'm worried! My fiancé (their dad) and I are only 82 days
away from our wedding, which the girls will be travelling to America with us
to be bridesmaids. I just can't get motivated with them, and have found
myself becoming more& more short tempered, which means that I keep removing
myself from the situation (room, not relationship) and I know they're
confused... so am I!
Am I undergoing some evil transformation? What's wrong with me? Yes, I
have a bio-monster to deal with, and yes, the children and I do get along
really well. I just feel... fed-up with having to deal with them, and this
is making me feel like dirt.
Any suggestions or insight would be most appreciated. I read the thread
about feeling differently about one's "natural" kids than stepkids, and am
wondering if I'm going through the early stages of this...? Except I'm not
pregnant! I just don't seem to have the patience that I used to for their
whining, whinging ways... and I *want* to. I love them a lot - that hasn't
changed. It just seems like I have no tolerance of their faults. They
drive me nuts, and again, I feel bad about this.
thanks,
Posey
SoccerStepMom
Quick, wild guess, from someone who went through it a year ago? You're
getting MARRIED in <3 months! You have all kinds of things on your mind
that you haven't worried about before and won't ever again after the
wedding's over. Is it possible you're preoccupied and therefore have
less extra attention/patience for the girls?
Consider cutting yourself a little slack. I bet you're under more
stress than you realize. Glad to chat via e-mail if it would help. SSM
King&Furnish
Highly, highly possible, especially since I'm doing all my planning for our
US wedding from the UK. But I just didn't know if that seemed like an
excuse, or a valid point to be making me so short-tempered.
Thanks, though!
Posey
SoccerStepMom wrote in message <35A14E...@hotmail.com>...
Vicki Robinson
In a previous article, "King&Furnish" <ne...@bridezilla.afurnish.demon.co.uk> said:
>Highly, highly possible, especially since I'm doing all my planning for our
>US wedding from the UK. But I just didn't know if that seemed like an
>excuse, or a valid point to be making me so short-tempered.
>
I'm sure that this is quite true; the pre-wedding period is tense,
even if everything is well under control and there are no last
lingering doubts! (Our first anniversary was June 14; I remember it
well!)
However, I'm also thinking that this is normal and it's real. I get
resentful of the time and energy my *own* children take, at times, and
if my steps were around all the time, I'm quite sure that it would
happen with them, too. The honeymoon is over; you love them, but the
resentment and lack of interest are real. Don't discount it, just
accept that it happens. It happens when we care for elderly parents,
a disabled spouse, children ... It's *hard* to be responsible for
another person, it's *hard* to always always have to think of three
other people and their needs, especially if you've essentially been
single and free for a long time. The annoyance that you feel
(especially at whinging children!! AARGH!!!) is real, and it's valid.
However, you also feel the opposite as well. You love them and you
have no doubt about that. You do care for their welfare. You do want
them to grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults, and you want to
do your part in helping that to happen.
You're going to feel like this for the rest of your life. If you ever
have your own biokids, there will be days when you'd sell the lot of
them for three hours of sleep and a pedicure. Sometimes you'll love
them so much that it leaves you breathless and transported and other
times you wonder what you were ever thinking.
Do something nice for yourself. Make sure your fiance is doing his
part in caring for his kids. (Men can deal with whinging kids too;
they just like to act like they can't.) Realize that just because you
don't feel awfully chummy with them right now, you will again in time,
and that it's normal to feel these ups and downs. Don't sweat it
*too* much (unless it's unrelieved and gets worse and worse; then
maybe your intuition is trying to tell you something). Just be *sure*
to see that your needs are met too. Trust me, no one else is going to
look after them as well as you can, and for every hour you spend
thinking about the kids, they spend a nanosecond thinking about you.
It's just the way they are; not evil, just incredibly self-centered.
Keep your chin up! We're looking forward to your wedding summary in
AW!
Vicki
--
Visit our wedding at http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/wedding.html and
sign our guest book! The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can
be found at http://www.urbanlegends.com. Take a look, if you
have a week to spare.
janelaw
Well you could be turning into the monster SM from hell. OTOH,
you could be a little stressed about your impending wedding, a
major trip, the biggest commitment of your life, making detailed
arrangements from a long distance, etc. Maybe the girls are
more whiny and clingy than usual because they realize that there
is going to be a momentous change in their lives, but they are
not sure what to make of it yet. Maybe FH has one or two things
on his mind, and is just a tad less perfect than usual. Maybe
the whole "wife-and-mother-forever" concept is sinking in a
little deeper.
If you want concrete advice, I think you should talk to the
girls about it. When my daughter was their age (and still, now
that I think of it), my lack of patience upset her much less if
I just explained that I was grouchy. Then she didn't take it
personally. She could understand that other things made me less
patient than usual. In fact, it can be a huge relief in tense
times for children to hear an adult say what they are thinking
themselves.
I asked my daughter what she thought of your problem. She
recommends:
1) earplugs,
2) spending some time thinking about what it is about them that
is driving you nuts, and 3) putting yourself in their position
and figuring out if you are doing something like being tense
that is making them more whiny than usual.
I recommend taking a vacation alone with FH. I assume time and
money are tight, because they always are. But splurge a little,
and remind each other why you are in love.
Mayhem3425
Remember: the really evil stepmothers (or biomoms, for that matter) don't
usually feel guilty.
Previous posts said it pretty well: nobody has nothing but warm feelings for
their kids. Acknowledging your negative feelings is a sign of maturity, and a
sign that you'll deal with the emptional upheavals just fine.
jac...@myriad.net
In article <6nro15$2po$1...@canoe.xcski.com>,
vjr...@canoe.xcski.com (Vicki Robinson) wrote:
> You're going to feel like this for the rest of your life. If you ever
> have your own biokids, there will be days when you'd sell the lot of
> them for three hours of sleep and a pedicure. Sometimes you'll love
> them so much that it leaves you breathless and transported and other
> times you wonder what you were ever thinking.
I think you've hit it on the head, Vicki. I have one stepson (10 y/o), a two
biokids (2 y/o and 1 y/o). On the days when I'd sell the stepson, I'd gladly
throw the others in, too. :-) But realizing that it's the *kid* part of
stepson, that are frustrating, and not that it's the *stepkid* part to me is
half the battle. It's that ss acts like a 10 y/o, undisciplined child. The
fact that he's my stepson has nothing to do with my annoyance.
Lisa
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techchik
>Am I undergoing some evil transformation? What's wrong with me? Yes, I
>have a bio-monster to deal with, and yes, the children and I do get along
>really well. I just feel... fed-up with having to deal with them, and this
>is making me feel like dirt.
>
Hoo-Boy do I understand! I was married and gained my new family a
little over three months ago. Although I was only planning a wedding
for 120 miles away I can truly appreciate your situation. Weddings
are stressful, and the impact of gaining a pre-made family can be
pretty daunting. Hang in there - you are not evil...just need a
break.
If I may suggest - there's and engaged couple's mailing list at:
http://www.planningpotpourri.com/talk/mail1.htm
(Part of ultimatwedding.com)
It's mostly women from all over the world swapping ideas and giving
each other a place to vent their frustrations as well as gloat over
their achievements. I thought I was going crazy when I started having
nightmares, these women set me straight - we all have them. We also
all get short tempered - it's not the kids...it's human nature...and
it's normal.
They also carried me through a difficult battle to have my future
step-children in our wedding. The court order came down less than 24
hours before the ceremony - kids lived 10 hours away - they made
it...barely. If you can handle a large volume of mail (50-100
msgs/day) - it's a great resource. There is also a digest version. I
came to depend on it.
Best of luck and if you want - e-mail me to chat.
-TC
(remove XSPAM to e-mail)
nu...@XSPAM.newsguy.com)
techchik
>Recently, my patience and interest in my 2 FSDs, ages 4 1/2 and nearly 6,
>has waned, and I'm worried! My fiancé (their dad) and I are only 82 days
>away from our wedding, which the girls will be travelling to America with us
>to be bridesmaids. I just can't get motivated with them, and have found
>myself becoming more& more short tempered, which means that I keep removing
>myself from the situation (room, not relationship) and I know they're
>confused... so am I!
>
Sorry about the second post - my husband had a comment. He says:
First of all -you are to be congratulated on facing the way that you
feel and being concerned about it.
Secondly - Welcome to parenthood. Nobody says you have to like them
*all* the time. You just have to love them - they are your children.
- husband of TC
(TC's note - my husband's two children are three and six. Right now
one is a monster and the other is a prima-donna. I wouldn't trade
them for anything in the world.)
AmyAmy4734
went through a phase where I could barely stand to be in the same room with my
sd. And I go through phases of liking them around to needing to get away.
But when they are at their mom's house, I spend those four days thinking about
them and missing them and buying them new clothes and art supplies. Why? I
love them intensely. They are my step kids, yet they are my children.
Sometimes kids will drive you crazy. Sometimes, when you are under a lot of
stress, like planning for a wedding, your patience can be unusually thin. I
know that when I am stressed out, everything irritates me more.
At some point, you will stop and either make a commitment to love these
children or you will leave the situation completely. But I think that you will
work through your feelings and come out the other side. You are addressing
your feelings and talking about them, and that is the first step to taking
responsibility.
King&Furnish
am good with kids, I must admit that I am very naive when it comes to being
a parent, as I don't have any children of my own. It may sound silly, but I
hadn't ever thought about the notion of *not* loving one's kids all the
time! I especially appreciated the post that discussed me feeling fed up
with them as *KIDS* instead of feeling fed up with them because they're
(almost) my stepdaughters. Honestly - I can't say thanks enough!!!
I feel much better, and think that I may talk to them about it, since I do
have a good relationship with them - and more importantly, a very honest and
rational one (at least as much as possible for 2 little girls with a totally
irrational & devious mother) and have had success with them when discussing
other situations.
I will definitely end up mailing those of you who offered - I can already
see a need.
Thank you again. I know I'm babbling, but all of you helped me MORE than
you know.
Posey
+++++~~~~~++++~~~~+++~~~++~~+~~++~~~+++~~~~++++~~~~~+++++
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tars." --Oscar Wilde
Rich Secord
King&Furnish wrote in message
<899749715.11327.0...@news.demon.co.uk>...
>Recently, my patience and interest in my 2 FSDs, ages 4 1/2 and nearly 6,
>has waned, and I'm worried! My fiancé (their dad) and I are only 82 days
>away from our wedding, which the girls will be travelling to America with
us
>to be bridesmaids>
bride-to-be faces. I'm sure if you examined all of your relationships,
everybody is probably getting on your nerves now. Just relax & you'll be
fine.
>