Step Father Participation in child raising decisions
Phil Dicken
I am looking for an opinion from other step dads on participating in
decision making for my SD. I am married for the first time 5 1/2 years. My
SD is 9 1/2. My wife and I have a boy and girl 30 months old.
My wife has been seeing a counselor for various issues and the counselor
recommended that I not be involved with disciplining SD. She said that I
needed to concetrate all of my efforts on being her friend and building my
relationship with her. I met my SD when she was 2 and she moved in when she
was 3. So I have known her for as long she can remember.
I am concerned that as the 2 year olds get older, my SD will notice a real
difference in the way they are treated and disciplined. Also, my wife and I
often disagree on disciplining issues. She tends to be softer and I tend to
be more strict. In the past when I have ignored the counselor's advise and
offered my opinion, my wife immediately becomes defensive of SD.
So, what I really want to know is how many fathers out there stay out of the
discplining of the their step children. And by discplining, I mean
decisions about how much TV to watch, when to do homework, when to go to
bed, etc.
jane
>discplining of the their step children. And by discplining, I mean
>decisions about how much TV to watch, when to do homework, when to go to
>bed, etc.
Not a stepfather, but married to one. He has know my daughter since birth. My
husband (like my ex's mate) totally stays out of this stuff. It would never
cross his mind to get into any of that stuff with my daughter. She's my
daughter, and she's a great kid.
OTOH, if you're looking for some time alone with your wife, you could talk to
her about a certain time that she comes into the bedroom to watch tv with you
or when SD goes off to her room. The problem is that if you set a time for SD
to go to her room, you're really setting a time for you and your wife to start
getting tense.
jane
joyojoy
raising my son but it causes big problems. It comes across as a control
thing, but I understand sometimes DH gets involved, eg sends my son to his
room, so that we can have some time alone. Another reason DH wants to be
involved is so he can feel that all our kids get equal care. Best to get the
real reasons why you want to disipline the SK out in the open. I cant see
why I should give DH equal parental contol when the kid is mine, not his.
Maternal instincts take over. Its so easy for me to think that DH is being
hard on my son and for my protective wing to shield my son from him. I am
sure it is not easy for men in your position.. it seems to be common for men
to be tougher than women.. so how do you cope when you think your wife is
being too soft on your SD?
I am step mother to DHs kids and it has never occured to me to be involved
in disipline of them (mind you they dont live with us). I would never tidy
DH's clothes cupboard either even though I would love to! LOL
--
joyojoy
"Life wasn't meant to be easy"
(Malcome Fraser)
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20010921002704...@mb-cu.aol.com...
Jennifer
> I am new at this but here it goes:
>
> I am looking for an opinion from other step dads on participating in
> decision making for my SD. I am married for the first time 5 1/2 years. My
> SD is 9 1/2. My wife and I have a boy and girl 30 months old.
>
Yea, another parent of twins :-) Mine are 7 years old (boy/girl). I also have
a SD 15 and a little girl who's 3. This is a reverse situation for me, b/c I'm
the SM, and I've been raising SD with DH since she was just 2.
Okay, as someone who's been in my SD's life for so long, I absolutely discipline
her. I can't imagine not having equal rights to be her parent as do DH and BM.
I'm a SAHM (boy, love all these abbreviations), and I'm the one here a lot of
the time. I'm completely comfortable asking her to do things, punishing her if
need be, etc. I couldn't have lived in the situation otherwise. I think it's
different when you've raised the child since he/she was young (as you noted, the
child doesn't even remember you not being there, as was the case with SD and
me). SD's not always been thrilled with my parenting, but she accepts me as a
parent regardless (i.e., she gives me neither more nor less crap than she gives
her biological mother and father).
> My wife has been seeing a counselor for various issues and the counselor
> recommended that I not be involved with disciplining SD. She said that I
> needed to concetrate all of my efforts on being her friend and building my
> relationship with her. I met my SD when she was 2 and she moved in when she
> was 3. So I have known her for as long she can remember.
<sputter, cough, choke> FRIEND? Sorry, that bugs me almost as much as when a
person refers to a dad as being a "babysitter." Building your relationship with
her after 7 1/2 years? I think I can safely assert that your relationship has a
foundation already. And in your case, as you mentioned, the younger kids are
watching you and your SD together. Even now my younger kids look up to SD, and
if she's being pissy, they're picking it up. If they were to see that she got
away with stuff b/c of my failure to discipline her...it wouldn't be pretty :-)
> I am concerned that as the 2 year olds get older, my SD will notice a real
> difference in the way they are treated and disciplined.
And your 2-year-olds will wonder why SD gets away with so much, while they're
expected to behave differently. I believe parents should have rules that apply
to *all* the children in their household (with flexibility for expanded
privileges as the children get older).
> Also, my wife and I
> often disagree on disciplining issues. She tends to be softer and I tend to
> be more strict. In the past when I have ignored the counselor's advise and
> offered my opinion, my wife immediately becomes defensive of SD.
Personally, I wouldn't be seeing a counselor that's so at odds with how I feel
about raising my stepchild. Of course you should offer your opinion. Does she
listen to you IRT raising your 2-year-olds? It sounds like a co-parenting
problem. I know about strict v. soft, b/c DH and I have always been stricter
than BM. <sarcasm on> Somehow SD has survived the trauma of being raised by us
<sarcasm off>.
> So, what I really want to know is how many fathers out there stay out of the
> discplining of the their step children. And by discplining, I mean
> decisions about how much TV to watch, when to do homework, when to go to
> bed, etc.
It's your house. Your SD should watch as much TV as you and your wife agree on,
and I can't imagine why she would disregard your opinion just b/c you're not the
bio-dad to this one child. Homework? Going to bed? Aren't there general house
rules for everyone to follow? Maybe if you and your wife can work out a
parenting plan for all three kids, that would provide a beginning framework. If
you two can figure out how not to butt heads with SD, it'll make it that much
easier when your twins get older (I speak from experience there :-) ).
HTH...
Jennifer
Phil Dicken
"Jennifer" <gaz...@theironpig.com> wrote in message
news:3BAAE583...@theironpig.com...
Penny
Phil,
I am also not a stepfather, but am married to one. The main thing I
would stress is do not openly discuss this issue in front of the sd,
or the other children. There will be some type of discipline that you
will have to be involved in, such as, enforcing household rules that
are established for all children. There may come a time when you and
your wife do not agree on a way either of you are handling a
discipline issue. When you don't agree, take it away from the kids. Do
not discuss it in front of them. This has been a big problem in my
current marriage. And the kids pick up on it,and run with it.
As far as the specific discipline issues you mentioned above, my
husband and I each deal with our own on these issues. It seems to help
avoid problems. But, I am stricter than my husband. He gives in easily
to pressure from is daughter, where I don't. Not with mine or his. If
I feel a tv program is not age appropriate, I enforce that rule.
But,this is a rule that was established from the onset. And both the
girls know that. Each situation is different, and sometimes the
parents have different views on what is important and what is not.
Just discuss those differences between each other.
My husband and I started out practicing that rule....but somewhere
along the way we got off track, and it's been hell since.
Penny
Geri and sometimes Brian
our home. We don't have any children together, but if we did, the same rules
would apply to all kids. Having a marriage where the partners are not equals
in parenting is asking for trouble, unless both parties agree, IMO, and if you
read this group for very long, you will see that is where a lot of marital
conflicts originate.
Geri
"When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty
tent and hit a camel in the ass. It's going to be decisive."
(President George W. Bush)
Judith Gordon
My husband has been the only father my kids have had since we married.
They were 3,5, and 8 at the time. We have always always had a standing
rule of 100% support for each other and he has the right to discipline
the children and if they asked him something and then asked me after he
said no, it was still no and they got a separate punishment for trying
to manipulate us too.
Now in our relationship with the children, I am closer to them in terms
of their having an ability to talk to me about details of their personal
life and problems they were having and I am better at helping with
homework. Sometimes, my husband would do something I thought was wrong.
he has two bad parenting habits one is overreacting and two is taking
things the kids do too personally. (He forgot to take out the garbage
just to bug me!) But we settled that kind of situation together, in
private, quietly, and if he then decided he had made a mistake, he would
apologize to the kids, and we would explain why we thought it was an
error and allow them to discuss their feelings.
It may well be that your wife is feeling she is the more tender and
caring parent and that she is a better one than you. I sometimes catch
myself thinking like that. Whenever I do, my husband shows me up by
predicting something or doing something with the kids better than I did.
I have had to learn to trust him. I hope your wife can do the same.
Judith
jane
>I am also not a stepfather, but am married to one. The main thing I
>would stress is do not openly discuss this issue in front of the sd,
>or the other children. There will be some type of discipline that you
>will have to be involved in, such as, enforcing household rules that
>are established for all children.
Actually, that isn't necessarily true. I don't think DH has ever once been
forced to discipline my child. That's in over a decade. Nothing has ever come
up that couldn't wait until I got home.
jane
jane
>in parenting is asking for trouble, unless both parties agree, IMO, and if
>you
>read this group for very long, you will see that is where a lot of marital
>conflicts originate.
>
>
>Geri
Nah.
The problems come from people being unable to resolve their differences as a
couple. You and your DH have worked out a system that works for you. My DH
and I have too. OP's problem is the same as many posters here. He and his
wife have different ideas on parenting, discipline, and her kid.
My experience as a stepparent is that you're going down a very rocky road if
you are the step and you are going to be the primary disciplinarian. If your
mate, the BioParent, is not fully supportive emotionally and intellectually,
then it's going to be hell until you back off. It's just never going to work,
and it will ruin your marriage.
jane
Anne Haas
>>
>> I am looking for an opinion from other step dads on participating in
>> decision making for my SD. I am married for the first time 5 1/2 years.
>My
>> SD is 9 1/2. My wife and I have a boy and girl 30 months old.
>>
>> My wife has been seeing a counselor for various issues and the counselor
>> recommended that I not be involved with disciplining SD. She said that I
>> needed to concetrate all of my efforts on being her friend and building my
>> relationship with her. I met my SD when she was 2 and she moved in when
>she
>> was 3. So I have known her for as long she can remember.
>>
>> I am concerned that as the 2 year olds get older, my SD will notice a real
>> difference in the way they are treated and disciplined. Also, my wife and
>I
>> often disagree on disciplining issues. She tends to be softer and I tend
>to
>> be more strict. In the past when I have ignored the counselor's advise and
>> offered my opinion, my wife immediately becomes defensive of SD.
>>
>> So, what I really want to know is how many fathers out there stay out of
>the
>> discplining of the their step children. And by discplining, I mean
>> decisions about how much TV to watch, when to do homework, when to go to
>> bed, etc.
>
Welcome, Phil. Welcome to the fine line path of step-parenting. :-)
I have kind of a unique perspective because I come from a blended family & I am
a step-mom.
I agree with you. The discipline should be the same, albeit age appropriate,
for all the kids. IMO, this is imperative and will save a lot of resentment
further down the road.
As a step-mom, I know what a difficult place you are in. On this aspect alone,
ignoring the 2 yos for the moment, the bulk of the disciplining needs to come
from your wife & you should follow her lead. If you vehemently disagree, let
her know and why, preferably away from your SD.
FWIW, I disagree with the counselor. You don't need to be SD's friend right
now. You need to be a parental figure in her life. You can be her friend
later when she is mature enough for that. You've been in this child's life for
as long as she can remember. For you to be a "friend" undermines your position
in the household and will create a living hell when she becomes a teen. That
is some of the worst advice I've ever heard coming from a counselor, IMHO.
I agree with the others that the two of you need to sit down and discuss a
parenting plan for all three kids that you can both live with. I would like to
suggest that you show your wife your original post and the answers. She may
not be aware of how concerned you are about all this.
Feel free to lurk and/or participate. Even though we hardly see my SDs, I
still learn a lot from this group. there are some very wise women in here.
AnneH
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree.
jane
>now. You need to be a parental figure in her life. You can be her friend
>later when she is mature enough for that. You've been in this child's life
>for
>as long as she can remember. For you to be a "friend" undermines your
>position
>in the household and will create a living hell when she becomes a teen. That
>is some of the worst advice I've ever heard coming from a counselor, IMHO.
I'm telling you, Anne, that's just not true here. DH and Lee are friends.
They have immense respect and love for each other. They never argue about
anything. They enjoy spending time together. They talk freely about a wide
variety of things, including some things that Lee is uncomfortable discussing
with me.
Teens torture their parents. Lee takes her Teens out on her father and me, not
on DH or her father's SO. Steps who leave the parenting to the BPs can get
through this period relatively unscathed.
jane
jane
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
>
> I am new at this but here it goes:
>
>
> So, what I really want to know is how many fathers out there stay out of the
> discplining of the their step children. And by discplining, I mean
> decisions about how much TV to watch, when to do homework, when to go to
> bed, etc.
Phil,
I'm not a stepfather, obviously <grin>, but I *am* custodial bio-mom to
an 11yo son and my husband is custodial bio-dad to a 12yo daughter and
13yo son. In addition, he raised his 21yo daughter pretty much on his
own.
Our family rule is: One family, one set of rules.
According to OS, lately I've been a bit harder on YD than I have been on
the boys and Chewy (my husband) has been harder on YS than he has been
on OS and YD. That happens sometimes. But we're working on it. We sit
down *together*, discuss issues we see, and develop a plan of action -
TOGETHER.
Working together can't be stressed enough, IMO. Yes, there are many
blended families where the step-parent doesn't deal with issues with the
step-child(ren). But there's no way Chewy or I could live that way.
For us, parenting takes teamwork.
If I were your wife (which I'm not), I'd look for another counselor. I
have definite problems with anyone who wants one partner in a marriage
to totally butt out of dealing with family issues, even if I *am*
tempted from time to time to tell Chewy to just shut up and let me deal
with things. Of course, the times I'm tempted to do that are the times
when he's letting issues *outside* the family influence the way he deals
with issues at home.
Just my 2 cents.
Kitten
--
"In an airport one day, I was observing all the young people and I
wondered if they had a cowboy to look up to, what would their world be
like. I wrote this one on the flight from Portland to Chicago." - - Dan
Roberts
http://www.cowhand.com/tracks/cowhand_tracks/wav/cowhandtrk2.wav
Barclay Lane
Phil Dicken wrote:
> I am new at this but here it goes:
>
> I am looking for an opinion from other step dads on participating in
> decision making for my SD. I am married for the first time 5 1/2 years. My
> SD is 9 1/2. My wife and I have a boy and girl 30 months old.
>
> My wife has been seeing a counselor for various issues and the counselor
> recommended that I not be involved with disciplining SD.
I'm a soon to be living with my SDs, 10 and 15, though Wendy and I have no
plans to marry. I have my own kids too, but they're pretty much grown ups.
I've seen the kids almost every weekend for the last 2 1/4 years as I live in
the family home at weekends.
This question is a real difficult one, but I guess one that arises in most SK
situations.
My view is that the kids are Wendy's, not mine. I'm *not* their father, and
the most I can expect is to be seen as a responsible adult who's very close to
them. I think I'd be asking for a lot of trouble if I tried to be a father to
them .
The basic rules are set by Wendy, with input by me. The kids know what I
think, 'cos I tell them, but generally I'm in agreement with Wendy.
If they irritate me too much, I whinge to Wendy ;-), and bless her, she
encourages me to discuss it with her daughter. Sometimes they make me feel
"like spitting", but I rarely get involved with discipline, though sometimes I
think I ought to be - just to take some of the pressure off Wendy.
Nonetheless, I think it's best that I don't get too involved. I think it could
lead to resentment, tensions and strains.
If they're doing something that's plainly wrong, I do get involved. e.g
Sitting on a radiator, which could be dangerous.
So far it's working out just fine :-), but maybe I'm just lucky. Certainly
Wendy makes it a lot easier for me than it could be.
> She said that I
> needed to concetrate all of my efforts on being her friend and building my
> relationship with her.
Well, I guess you can't be her birth Dad. Hopefully my SDs regard me as a
friend, maybe even as a family member, which is nice. I'm still not their Dad
though.
>I am concerned that as the 2 year olds get older, my SD will notice a real
> difference in the way they are treated and disciplined.
That's hard. I'm not in that situation. I guess the only way through it is to
have deep discussions with your wife, if possible, to find a common way of
dealing with things. Compromise, from both of you, looks to be the only way.
> Also, my wife and I
> often disagree on disciplining issues. She tends to be softer and I tend to
> be more strict. In the past when I have ignored the counselor's advise and
> offered my opinion, my wife immediately becomes defensive of SD.
Maybe you could try the approach of starting by saying something like, I'm
getting worried, or I'm upset. In other words, try to make sure it's not an
attack on the behaviour of your SD, in the 1st instance anyway.
I hope I've helped a bit. It's not easy, is it?
Barclay
Trying to make a difference....
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
>
<snipped>
>
> It may well be that your wife is feeling she is the more tender and
> caring parent and that she is a better one than you. I sometimes catch
> myself thinking like that.
YIKES! I know *that* little trap! Very, very well do I know that one.
Chewy was in the Marines for 15 years and left as a SSgt. He's used to
giving orders and having them followed. I grew up helping to raise my
youngest sister and my baby brother, went on to be a peer counselor in
college, then on to being a high school teacher, so I'm more used to
kids. Kids aren't privates in the Marines.
However, he definitely knows the mechinations of the young male mind far
better than I do.
WhansaMi
Like so many of the others, I am not the SD, but the BM. Hope I can be of help
anyway. :-)
In our house, my kids follow the authority figures--me and my husband. A. I
would expect them to follow the directions of other adults I left them in the
care of, and B. the only way I would marry someone is if I felt we had similar
philosophies regarding the important lessons for kids to learn, and also, had
my kids' best interests at heart. I can't imagine being an adult, an equal
partner, and not sharing in that responsibility and that right... or insisting
that he not.
You've got my vote ;-)
Sheila
Anne Haas
Yours is an unusual case, Jane. And I know it can happen. My SD & I were
friends but he also disciplined if need be.
Barb Ellen
Jane,
I don't have SKs at home any more.
This is an interesting point. One I had not imagined back when YSD was with us.
I do have a problem with the followthrough of this concept, though. Is the problem
with setting a time for SD to go to her room, in your opinion, about the SF setting
a time? Or is it about getting time alone together by there being a time in which
SD goes to her room, possibly set by her bioparent?
Barb
>
>
> jane
Barb Ellen
posts about it to ask the questions I've postponed. So while I am hostile to
having a similar system in my life, it does represent a more honest system than the
one in operation in my life. I am immensely curious and I hope you'll bear with
the questions. And comments.
More below.
jane wrote:
> >FWIW, I disagree with the counselor. You don't need to be SD's friend right
> >now. You need to be a parental figure in her life. You can be her friend
> >later when she is mature enough for that. You've been in this child's life
> >for
> >as long as she can remember. For you to be a "friend" undermines your
> >position
> >in the household <snip>
> I'm telling you, Anne, that's just not true here. DH and Lee are friends.
> They have immense respect and love for each other. They never argue about
> anything. They enjoy spending time together. They talk freely about a wide
> variety of things, including some things that Lee is uncomfortable discussing
> with me.
Jane, I'm friends with both my SDs. One of them I am fast friends with. And she's
the one that I've had the most grief from in terms of "authority in the household"
or "position in the household" as Anne put it.
The other I am another sort of friend with, sortof meeting with another "older
soul" who also sees much more behind, ahead and within all situations than most of
the other people either of us knows. She also sees my position as rather
transitory (better now after 11 years, but still transitory).
I know exactly how I already feel about that position in the household stuff in my
own past. In your life, I am curious.
Does your DH or SO have no "parental unit" type authority over your child?
Does he have no more sayso in use of resources than your child? How is his
position compared to hers? Does *all* authority over her come from you,either
directly, or in the form of your partner and your child simply following your
policies?
If she is playing the stereo too loudly, when he is home and you are not, does he
have any authority to tell her to turn down the stereo?
If not authority, what is the procedure when they disagree as to how loud is too
loud?
I really don't get it. Do you furnish all goods, resources and cash for her
support? If not, what amount of say does he have over how those things are used?
>
>
> Teens torture their parents. Lee takes her Teens out on her father and me, not
> on DH or her father's SO. Steps who leave the parenting to the BPs can get
> through this period relatively unscathed.
That's kinda bizarre to hear. When I found SD and her boyfriend clearly about to
"get it on", there in her bedroom, while I was busy cooking dinner, I shut the door
quickly, returned to knock and tell her that I would be talking to her dad and that
I expected her to be there for it, what sort of thing would you suggest for the
step who is leaving the parenting to the bioparent?
I didn't find out because I was trying to parent. I found out because I remembered
a somewhat urgent phone message or some such thing. Busy cooking, trying not to
burn dinner, I dashed to her door, said her name intending to give the message and
get back to the cooking. Instead astonished, I shut the door *promptly*.
In complete fact, she is the one I never tried to parent in an authority sort of
way. I tried to parent her by making sure she ate, and did some sleeping, but her
bioparents were both leaving it to her to make most of her own decisions, it would
have been pretty ridiculous for me to exert more authority than they were.
Still, her actions affected me at times, the way a 16/17 yos will. I was expected
to purchase food and cook food with her while I was etc for the rest of the family.
Jane, do you not expect your DH/SO to do parent things? Like drive DD somewhere,
or see that she is fed? Or is he supposed to do those things out of "friendship"?
>
>
> jane
>
> jane
Barb Ellen
Geri and sometimes Brian wrote:
> Phil, I am a stepmom. I have equal authority as my husband in all issues in
> our home. We don't have any children together, but if we did, the same rules
> would apply to all kids. Having a marriage where the partners are not equals
> in parenting is asking for trouble, unless both parties agree, IMO
Phil,
Having a marriage where both partners are "technically" equal in parenting, but
both parties are not in fact in agreement to it is *worse* trouble.
Much later in life, I found out DH's POV on this episode.
Custody weekend and during the weekend some of DH's family from out of town is
coming to visit.
SD announces that she shouldn't have to help in the 'big cleanup'.
I fail to see this as true. hey, I didn't really want to clean up for the benefit
of DH's family either. But I do see it as a family activity, family project.
Admitted she is not with us 100% of the time, but she is there on a regular basis.
She does expect to fully participate in FuN that takes place during custody days.
DH is waffling. I present point of view that SD shares in fun, SD shares in
cleanup. So, grudging agreement, and I'm assigned to delegate job to SD. I am
aware of the limited merit of her position, so I try to assign her the work I
think she will like best.
DH and I proceed together with some sort of dirty, nasty, sweaty jobs. After
almost an hour, we are done, and I check to see how SD is coming along. She's
sitting in the LR watching TV. I ask her why she isn't cleaning, hasn't in fact
done *any* cleaning. She feeds me the line that she "didn't *know* where the
cleaning products were". Well, folks, they are under the kitchen sink like they
have been as long as she has known me, where they were last time she used some for
her own purposes.
I lose it. I start loudly that at least she could come up with a better excuse.
That if she didn't know where the cleaning products were, she could come to one of
us and ask. "Didn't want to bother you, interrupt you." Just about now, DH comes
up the basement stairs to see what the loud voices are, she feeds him the same
story. He buys into it, supports it. I end up screaming. . In sum, he tells
her to ignore me and she is excused from all further duty, the problem in the air
is that I'm angry, not the bogus excuses she was using. (Had been her SM for 4
years by this time).
About 6 years later, I asked him why he supported this bogus reason of not being
able to find the cleaning supplies, ask him could he possibly have believed it,
why the issue turned into me shouting at SD's lies.
He tells me that he didn't buy it either, but that he resented me being parental
that he thought it was his place, and so he was angry at me himself. And not at
the point where I assigned the duties, that was at his direction. He was angry at
me from the point where I voiced the principle of her sharing in the fun meaning
she shared in the work. That I was at that point taking on the job (including
helping her develop as a person) that he didn't want to share.
So, my advice.
If BM doesn't want to share the job, you're better off not reasoning her into it.
You're better off without grudging agreement that doesn't reach the heart, or the
inner thoughts of your wife.
Myself, I don't think I would have lived in the situation, I think I would have
chosen to be engaged till the kids reached majority, or just bowed out. But if I
had agreed to live together while not a parent, you bet your booties that all the
work of raising the kid would belong to Dad too. It's really bogus to be
obligated as a free babysitter for someone who doesn't want you making parenting
decisions. If you don't have authority, refuse responsibility too.
Barb
WhansaMi
Barb,
Even though my original post proffered the other side, I agree with you. I was
taking it from the perspective of being the custodial parent... where the kids
are there most of the time, as it is with my biokids and Mike. I, in that case,
could simply NOT live with a circumstance where I did not have parental
authority. There are too many day to day decisions to be made, and I would
feel less than a PARTNER with my spouse if I had to defer each and every
decision to him/her.
However, involving my SD's, I do not parent-- ever. Mike is not the custodial
parent and they have never spent the night here (they refused when he, before
I was in the picture, would not agree to let them put 6-8 pictures of their
mother up around his apartment, "so we won't miss her while we're gone", and
also would not agree not to answer the telephone while there were there
because, "this is our time, you shouldn't be talking to anyone else"). I treat
them as guests in the house, not as children for me to parent.
Yes, this has been difficult at times, especially when Mike turns around on
decisions that we had previously talked about and agreed upon. But, I think
that scenerio is better than a situation like yours.... yes, he contradicted
what we agreed to in PRIVATE, but, at least he didn't directly contradicted a
directive that I had given (eek!). To me, that is the height of disrespect to
one's spouse.... and, something, again, I couldn't tolerate.
I think one of the reasons I am so cut and dried on this is that I have the
experience from the other side---Mike has, many times, given my kids directives
that I haven't agreed with, and EVERY SINGLE TIME I have backed him up. Sure,
we talked about it later, and some of the time HE has gone back to the kids and
changed his mind, but, I've never, ever contradicted him to my kids. I really
think that is one of the reasons we've had so few problems with blending him
into our family.... to them, there is no question but that he IS a parent.
Sheila
jane
>> The problem is that if you set a time for SD
>> to go to her room, you're really setting a time for you and your wife to
>start
>> getting tense.
>
>Jane,
>
>I don't have SKs at home any more.
>
>This is an interesting point. One I had not imagined back when YSD was with
>us.
>
>I do have a problem with the followthrough of this concept, though. Is the
>problem
>with setting a time for SD to go to her room, in your opinion, about the SF
>setting
>a time? Or is it about getting time alone together by there being a time in
>which
>SD goes to her room, possibly set by her bioparent?
>
>Barb
The problem is that BM is not going to want to enforce the bedtime strictly and
SF is. So if they agree on a specific time, that won't really be the kid's bed
time, it will be the time they remember why they drive each other nuts. Each
night BM will be reminded that SF is a heartless, rigid, unfeeling dictator and
SF will remember that BM is weak, undisciplined, softie who doesn't care about
his wants and needs.
I don't think it matters what they agree on regarding bed time or room time as
long as BM agrees wholeheartedly. She doesn't want to strictly enforce rules
and when her husband does she feels he's being harsh and dictatorial to her
kid. She doesn't think he's right, and you've got to expect parents to want to
do what they think is right in raising their kids.
jane
WhansaMi
>night BM will be reminded that SF is a heartless, rigid, unfeeling dictator
>and
>SF will remember that BM is weak, undisciplined, softie who doesn't care
>about
>his wants and needs.
>
>I don't think it matters what they agree on regarding bed time or room time
>as
>long as BM agrees wholeheartedly. She doesn't want to strictly enforce rules
>and when her husband does she feels he's being harsh and dictatorial to her
>kid. She doesn't think he's right, and you've got to expect parents to want
>to
>do what they think is right in raising their kids.
>
>jane
Jane, I guess this is the crux of the issue for me..... I can't help but
wonder, why in the world would you marry someone you percieve as being a harsh
and dictatorial the your kids?!!? I would never have married Mike if I felt
that he had the potential to be mean/cruel/harsh to my kids-- and if I found
after the marriage that this was the case, I'd be outta here! So... given that
I have chosen this man, and I trust him to be fair and think about what is best
for ALL of us--including my kids-- why not trust him to parent as well?
I guess I can't understand choosing a mate without considering these things
before hand. Mike and I talked, ad nauseum, about issues such as these. We
basically agreed to a similar child-rearing philosophy. Do we ever disagree?
Sure. But, then, I don't attribute it to him being unreasonable or mean....
reasonable, well-meaning adults can have differing opinions/viewpoints. If he
were the bio-dad, we would simply discuss and deal with them. It seems to me
that if someone is constantly viewing their spouses actions as malevolent, then
something is either majorly wrong in the perception, or something is majorly
wrong in that marriage. Either way, simply avoiding the issue doesn't seem, to
me, to be an adequate solution.
Sheila
Vicki Robinson
<Jane, I guess this is the crux of the issue for me..... I can't help but
<wonder, why in the world would you marry someone you percieve as being a harsh
<and dictatorial the your kids?!!?
"But I love him, and I know he loves me. It's just because he doesn't
know them all that well yet. He'll learn. And so will they. They're
just not used to him yet, but they'll get there. They're not bad
kids. He's not a bad guy. When he gets to know them, he'll loosen
up. We love each other. It'll all work out."
That's how.
Vicki
--
Family and Divorce Mediation Resources
http://xcski.com/~mediator/
WhansaMi
>know them all that well yet. He'll learn. And so will they. They're
>just not used to him yet, but they'll get there. They're not bad
>kids. He's not a bad guy. When he gets to know them, he'll loosen
>up. We love each other. It'll all work out."
>
>That's how.
>
>Vicki
>--
>Family and Divorce Mediation Resources
>http://xcski.com/~mediator/
>
>
>
And, Vicki.... just how many of those marriages work out? In Jane's scenerio,
the wife "gets out" of her bad feelings... sure, no need to feel like he is
being harsh and dictatorial if he has no power. But what about the
stepparent's (SM or SD) feeling? In how many of those marriages do the
husbands continue to feel that their wives are "wimps and don't care about
their feelings", IN ADDITION to feeling that they don't have the right to have
any say in what goes on in their homes? How many of those husbands finally say
"enough is enough" and leave?
Sheila
Geri and sometimes Brian
The casualty rate for marriages with stepkids is high.
Vicki Robinson
<And, Vicki.... just how many of those marriages work out? In Jane's scenerio,
<the wife "gets out" of her bad feelings... sure, no need to feel like he is
<being harsh and dictatorial if he has no power. But what about the
<stepparent's (SM or SD) feeling? In how many of those marriages do the
<husbands continue to feel that their wives are "wimps and don't care about
<their feelings", IN ADDITION to feeling that they don't have the right to have
<any say in what goes on in their homes? How many of those husbands finally say
<"enough is enough" and leave?
Oh, I didn't say it worked out! I was talking about the infinite
human capacity for self-deception. And this one can end with either
person getting fed up and leaving. But this kind of relationship is
pretty much doomed from the start.
Barb Ellen
your camp on this entire topic, but, I feel its only fair to Jane to point out
that her post came in reply to a specific request for clarification from me. So,
it isn't some kind of stand alone statement.
And Jane, thanks for your reply. I can't figure out the easy way to work on
Newsgroup messages of line, but I cobbled together a way (I hope) and I'll be
writing back to you about this.
Barb
WhansaMi
>that her post came in reply to a specific request for clarification from me.
>So,
>it isn't some kind of stand alone statement.
>
>And Jane, thanks for your reply. I can't figure out the easy way to work on
>Newsgroup messages of line, but I cobbled together a way (I hope) and I'll be
>writing back to you about this.
>
>Barb
>
>
I understand, and I am sorry if it came across as me JUST differing with
Jane... especially in a harsh way. The fact is, I have been rather surprised,
since coming to this board, how many BMs keep writing things that, essentially,
boil down to "I have to protect my kids from my husband, and how do I do
that?". I can't IMAGINE living like that... either for the kids, OR the BM,
if, indeed, the SD is someone they have to be protected against! I suppose I
just see things differently... to me, I married a "whole man".... before I
married one of the major things I considered was how good a parent he would be.
When Vicki wrote out the thinking that some women engage in (and she is
exactly right!) my first thought was... "great... either she married him
thinking he would change--never a good idea-- or he is on some sort of
probation... until he has proven himself worthy of parenting her children"... I
have to say, neither of those are good places to start a marriage.
Sheila
jane
I don't think of it as a system, Barb. It's just the way things work here. We
didn't sit down and decide on this policy, it just worked out this way.
>snip
>
>Jane, I'm friends with both my SDs. One of them I am fast friends with. And
>she's
>the one that I've had the most grief from in terms of "authority in the
>household"
>or "position in the household" as Anne put it.
>
> The other I am another sort of friend with, sortof meeting with another
>"older
>soul" who also sees much more behind, ahead and within all situations than
>most of
>the other people either of us knows. She also sees my position as rather
>transitory (better now after 11 years, but still transitory).
>
>I know exactly how I already feel about that position in the household stuff
>in my
>own past. In your life, I am curious.
You weren't here when *I* became a custodial SP. It wasn't pretty. DH and I
just split up until my SD moved out. We made just about every mistake you can
make. It's only just recently that I've begun to feel any security in my
marriage.
Looking back, I see that there was a crucial element that I did not understand
- that bioparents are going to parent their kids the way they think is best.
>
>Does your DH or SO have no "parental unit" type authority over your child?
DH has Adult In Charge authority.
>Does he have no more sayso in use of resources than your child?
I don't get this one.
>How is his
>position compared to hers? Does *all* authority over her come from
>you,either
>directly, or in the form of your partner and your child simply following your
>policies?
Absolutely.
>If she is playing the stereo too loudly, when he is home and you are not,
>does he
>have any authority to tell her to turn down the stereo?
I talked to both of them after you asked this question. They agreed that Lee
would not play the stereo too loudly and that DH doesn't tell anyone what to
do. However, if DH *asked* Lee to do something, none of us could imagine her
not doing it. Think, "Lee, would you mind...."
>If not authority, what is the procedure when they disagree as to how loud is
>too loud?
This is hard to explain. They don't disagree. But I'm always there in the
middle. She knows that she would never get away with dissing DH. DH knows that
I work hard at parenting and that I'm solicitous of his interests. I value and
listen to his opinion. He's an easy going guy. She's a well-behaved kid.
>
>I really don't get it. Do you furnish all goods, resources and cash for her
>support? If not, what amount of say does he have over how those things are
>used?
These questions never arise. Lee's father and I support her.
>
>> Teens torture their parents. Lee takes her Teens out on her father and me,
>not
>> on DH or her father's SO. Steps who leave the parenting to the BPs can
>get
>> through this period relatively unscathed.
>
>That's kinda bizarre to hear. When I found SD and her boyfriend clearly
>about to
>"get it on", there in her bedroom, while I was busy cooking dinner, I shut
>the door
>quickly, returned to knock and tell her that I would be talking to her dad
>and that
>I expected her to be there for it, what sort of thing would you suggest for
>the
>step who is leaving the parenting to the bioparent?
My first thought was that he would either make noise outside the room to let
them know he was home or he would kill the guy.
DH says that he would stop it and talk to them. But you have to keep in mind
that Lee is 14 and a tiny little blonde thing. Both DH and her father are much
more protective of her than I am. You've probably hit on the one thing that DH
would react to more strongly than I would.
>snip
>Jane, do you not expect your DH/SO to do parent things? Like drive DD
>somewhere,
>or see that she is fed? Or is he supposed to do those things out of
>"friendship"?
>
Yes, friendship. To me and to her. I ask if he can give her a ride. He
volunteers to help with her homework. But it's not like it's his job or
anything. Like last week when we went to parent night at the school: it was a
hassle for him, he'd rather have parked himself on the couch, but he knew that
Lee and I would both really appreciate his support, so he did it.
jane
jane
>wonder, why in the world would you marry someone you percieve as being a
>harsh
>and dictatorial the your kids?!!?
Ask Wendy how vehement I can be about warning people.
I don't know why people do it, but they do. Part of it may be that we seek
traits in our mates that complement us. Then there's the starry eyed "we can
work it out" syndrome. Then there's not realizing how annoying it is to live
in a house with other people's children.
But no matter what your mate is like, it's not easy for a lot of people to
listen to other people criticize or discipline their kids. There's a real
tendency to get defensive. Then you slide into a pattern where one always
seems to be criticizing (harsh, unfair) and the other always seem to be
defending (protecting).
> Either way, simply avoiding the issue doesn't seem,
>to
>me, to be an adequate solution.
>
>Sheila
I'm not suggesting avoiding the issue. I'm saying that there doesn't have to
be an issue to begin with. Lee has two parents. We work hard at it, and we
work well together. We are also fortunate enough to have supportive mates.
They do not feel the need to make decisions about our children and we do not
need them to.
jane
Geri and sometimes Brian
>Yes, friendship. To me and to her. I ask if he can give her a ride. He
>volunteers to help with her homework. But it's not like it's his job or
>anything.
Do you think that whether or not a person considers something like this his/her
"job" also kind of has to do with the person? I know that I consider helping
SD with homework or buying her clothes or (now that she is older) supervising
her shower, etc., as my job, even though technically it is not, I suppose. I
just could not handle it any other way, especially if I thought I could do a
better job at the task than Brian. Thankfully, Brian and I pretty much agree
that it is ok for us to share duties.
(Though, believe it or not, when I was a new SM, he had been so habituated into
following his idea of what a great dad should do, that I had a hardish time
convincing him to turn the supervision of SD's wardrobe over to me. Even
though he knows I am more talented at that sort of thing, if I would bring it
up to him (which I would not) he would probably get kind of defensive and tell
me that he had been doing a fine job before I came along. :-) He still
shakes his head with disbelief about stuff like me bringing her home sparkly
shower gel or Polly Pockets. Just not stuff a dad would necessarily know
about.)
jane
>scenerio,
>the wife "gets out" of her bad feelings... sure, no need to feel like he is
>being harsh and dictatorial if he has no power. But what about the
>stepparent's (SM or SD) feeling? In how many of those marriages do the
>husbands continue to feel that their wives are "wimps and don't care about
>their feelings", IN ADDITION to feeling that they don't have the right to
>have
>any say in what goes on in their homes? How many of those husbands finally
>say
>"enough is enough" and leave?
>
>Sheila
>
Well, sometimes they *should* leave, because it's never going to work out.
Other times the couple can address the situation in a different way, on a
different front. You really have to look at the issues involved and ferret out
the infamous Marital Issue Masquerading as a Stepparenting Issue.
If one partner is a dictatorial parent and the other is a permissive parent,
then I think you're screwed, unless it's the step is the permissive one.
OTOH, sometimes one partner just needs more control of her immediate physical
space than the other, or is neater than the other, or is more sensitive to
noise than the other. Those things you can work around. Buy earplugs. Hire a
cleaning person. Set aside a private space.
jane
jane
>>Yes, friendship. To me and to her. I ask if he can give her a ride. He
>>volunteers to help with her homework. But it's not like it's his job or
>>anything.
>
>Do you think that whether or not a person considers something like this
>his/her
>"job" also kind of has to do with the person?
Yes and no. The parent-like things DH does are a function of his personality.
Bring up an art, math, history, or power tool question and he dives right in;
bring up field trips or parent meetings and he vanishes.
OTOH I think he's clear that it's not his job both because he has chosen not to
assume that responsibility and because Lee's father and I have not demanded it
of him. Whatever he does for Lee is a gift he gives out of love for me and Lee
and her father. We all appreciate it.
jane
Wendy
jane <janel...@aol.com> wrote:
>>Jane, I guess this is the crux of the issue for me..... I can't help but
>>wonder, why in the world would you marry someone you percieve as being a
>>harsh
>>and dictatorial the your kids?!!?
>
>Ask Wendy how vehement I can be about warning people.
It's true. She's a firey wee soul. :) Fortunately for me, I am too.
</reference>
>I don't know why people do it, but they do. Part of it may be that we seek
>traits in our mates that complement us. Then there's the starry eyed "we can
>work it out" syndrome. Then there's not realizing how annoying it is to live
>in a house with other people's children.
And since that impassioned discussion, there's been a couple of occasions
when Barclay clearly felt just how annoying, even more than he had previously,
while I was just as annoyed but also kind of protective because of his
annoyance, but also because I felt that he didn't see the improvements over
what had gone before and was to some extent focussing on the negatives
instead of seeing them balanced against the positives.
On the whole, though, we work out issues by talking, talking, talking and
then talking some more. More often then not, I end up recognising that the
fault lies not with my daughters but with how their father and I deal with
them.
>But no matter what your mate is like, it's not easy for a lot of people to
>listen to other people criticize or discipline their kids. There's a real
>tendency to get defensive. Then you slide into a pattern where one always
>seems to be criticizing (harsh, unfair) and the other always seem to be
>defending (protecting).
It could be very easy to do this, and difficult to change once you get
set in a pattern.
The one thing I feel I've learned from posting here is that you can't
plan for every eventuality, you can only try to be as open about
how everyone feels and then try to reach fair and reasonable compromises.
>
>I'm not suggesting avoiding the issue. I'm saying that there doesn't have to
>be an issue to begin with. Lee has two parents. We work hard at it, and we
>work well together. We are also fortunate enough to have supportive mates.
>They do not feel the need to make decisions about our children and we do not
>need them to.
In general, I'm almost always here when Barclay is. The girls will go and
ask him if they can do things, if I'm not and when he's the adult in charge
then he's the adult in charge, but when I'm here he only speaks his perspective
when the girls or I ask his view about some issue or other. But he does
influence what happens because we talk about everything. We talk all the time.
Wendy
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
>
> In a previous article, whan...@aol.com (WhansaMi) said:
>
> <Jane, I guess this is the crux of the issue for me..... I can't help but
> <wonder, why in the world would you marry someone you percieve as being a harsh
> <and dictatorial the your kids?!!?
>
> "But I love him, and I know he loves me. It's just because he doesn't
> know them all that well yet. He'll learn. And so will they. They're
> just not used to him yet, but they'll get there. They're not bad
> kids. He's not a bad guy. When he gets to know them, he'll loosen
> up. We love each other. It'll all work out."
>
> That's how.
>
But sometimes it *does* work out.
Chewy's never been dictatorial, per se, but there *have* been a lot of
major misunderstandings between Chewy and me and between Chewy and YS,
simply because YS and I did things differently than Chewy was used to.
We're still working on a few of those issues, but it's working out.
Just takes a lot of time and hard work.
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
We don't do a lot of the "his job" and "her job" things. But we do tend
to break things down into which of us knows more about something or
which of us can work more effectively with a particular child on
something. I do most of the child-related stuff, both with YS (11yo,
from my first marriage) and with OS and YD (13 and 12, from Chewy's 3rd
marriage). Chewy just doesn't have the patience to deal with a lot of
the things that come up, like helping with math homework (I used to be a
HS math teacher).
However, *he* gets to help with things like the boys leather-working
projects they want to do for homeschooling, since he's starting to learn
leather-working himself. And he gets to do the instructional part of
canoeing, since he's been canoeing for 37 years and I've only been
canoeing since I met him a little over 2 yrs ago.
We both work with the kids on things like putting in fences (appropriate
placement of the ropes of the z-drag we're using for fence-stretching,
etc), gardening, working with power tools (much to OS's dismay, I know
more about power tools than he feels a woman should... hehehe), etc.
What are the *natural* divisions of labor?
WhansaMi
>
>Chewy's never been dictatorial, per se, but there *have* been a lot of
>major misunderstandings between Chewy and me and between Chewy and YS,
>simply because YS and I did things differently than Chewy was used to.
Kitten, I was referring to the women I have seen on here who DO describe their
husbands in those terms--those who come very close to calling their husbands
abusive, at least in regard to their kids.
Perhaps my own history gives me a particular perspective on this issue. At age
11, I was molested by my mother's (then) boyfriend. She continued to see him
for a few months afterward, despite the fact that I had told her what happened
(she later gave many excuses.... "I didn't really understand what you said--you
were sobbing too hard and I couldn't understand you--he told me he just
massaged your shoulders and your back and you were just over-reacting"....) In
my experience, her reaction (or lack thereof) was more traumatizing than the
assault.
When women come on here and complain about their husbands constantly
belittling/humiliating/physically or emotionally abusing their kids, to the
point where they feel they must protect their children, well, I have one of two
thoughts... either the situation isn't as bad as they want us to believe, or
they, as mothers, are being neglectful for leaving their children in those
environments. I seriously cannot imagine being married to someone I feel the
need to protect my children against.
Sheila
Phil Dicken
no right or wrong answer, only ones that do or don't work for you. I
enjoyed reading the different responses.
The most interesting thing I read was coming up with a parenting plan. We
have basically been dealing with things as they arrive. Can someone give me
an idea of what you might include in something like this?
Thanks again!
"Barclay Lane" <barcla...@lineone.net> wrote in message
news:3BAB8DD7...@lineone.net...
Geri and sometimes Brian
>an idea of what you might include in something like this?
We have an extremely detailed one, however there is much animosity between our
household and the BM's household. If you like, I can e-mail it to you.
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
>
Sheila,
You're not the only one with such a history.
Wendy
Phil Dicken <dic...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Thanks again everyone. I suppose its like everything else in life, there is
>no right or wrong answer, only ones that do or don't work for you. I
>enjoyed reading the different responses.
>
>The most interesting thing I read was coming up with a parenting plan. We
>have basically been dealing with things as they arrive. Can someone give me
>an idea of what you might include in something like this?
I'm not altogether sure what would be included, but at a guess I'd say
some of the following are worth working out an agreed approach on.
Chores, when and by whom
Pocket Money
Bed Times
Curfew Times (eg. Times children are meant to be home by)
Homework Times
Play Times
Phone Use
House Rules, e.g. eating between meals, shoes off at the front door,
Discipline
Apportioning time so that you both have some one on one time with children
and with each other.
However, while I might generally have a view about these, I'm also someone
who would baulk at not being free to waive the rules or at least flex
them at appropriate times. It's also true that the rules have to change
over time to fit changing ages, abilities and circumstances.
I'm also someone who thinks it's important to involve children in the
decisions about who is going to do what. Somehow getting to choose
what chores you're going to do seems better than having them arbitrarily
allocated, although if little ones are really young there's limits to
what they can do.
Wendy
Vicki Robinson
<The most interesting thing I read was coming up with a parenting plan. We
<have basically been dealing with things as they arrive. Can someone give me
<an idea of what you might include in something like this?
You know what, Phil? I do family mediation. If someone came to me
and said that they wanted to do a parenting plan (and I'm guessing
that this goes beyond *where* the kids sleeps every other week), the
first think I'd do is to ask them what the word "parenting" means to
them.
Start with that. Your parenting plan is going to look a *lot*
different than Mr. X's, because you have different concerns and needs.
I would be interested to see what you and your wife come up with
(individually) in terms what it means to "parent" a child. Let me
hasten to say that *whatever* either or both of you put on your lists,
it's valid. You need to listen to each other and take each other's
concerns seriously.
Don't be surprised if there are few points of intersection between
your list and hers.
Anne Robotti
Anne
Anne Robotti
Jane was exaggerating for dramatic effect. Making a kid go to bed on time *isn't*
cruel, harsh or rigid. Letting a kid stay up five extra minutes isn't being a
spineless softie. That's just how you feel in the fifteen minutes that you're on
hte other side going, "God DAMN it, we agreed on 7:30, why isn't that fucking kid
out of my face yet?" or "God DAMN it, it's 7:32, why is she bitching at me
already?"
Anne
Anne Robotti
jane wrote:
> Looking back, I see that there was a crucial element that I did not understand
> - that bioparents are going to parent their kids the way they think is best.
This statement makes my head hurt. I know you're right, but I think about what
would have happened if that one was in practice around here, and it's not pretty.
Anne
Anne Robotti
Geri and sometimes Brian wrote:
> >>
> >Yes, friendship. To me and to her. I ask if he can give her a ride. He
> >volunteers to help with her homework. But it's not like it's his job or
> >anything.
>
> Do you think that whether or not a person considers something like this his/her
> "job" also kind of has to do with the person? I know that I consider helping
> SD with homework or buying her clothes or (now that she is older) supervising
> her shower, etc., as my job, even though technically it is not, I suppose. I
> just could not handle it any other way, especially if I thought I could do a
> better job at the task than Brian. Thankfully, Brian and I pretty much agree
> that it is ok for us to share duties.
Right, but I think a lot of *your* attitude about this stuff has to do with how
hard you've fought for that equality.
Anne
Phil Dicken
in the last week or so. We worked out a few points that were important to
me. However, I haven't really heard about the issues that were important to
her. She just doesn't operate this way. She is likely to think about them
when they occur. Not in advance. Its just not her personality to plan.
The same things that attracted me to her are the things that make me the
most crazy.
Anyway, we sat down and talked about bed time, time for the two of us alone,
and responsibilities for 9 yr old SD. Amazingly, we were able to work out
some compromises. I tried to find ways for her to maintain her flexibility
while still meeting my goals and leveling both of our expectations. So far
it appears to be working out. Both of us are working together. My SD took
things quite well. We came up with creative ways for her to take on
responsibilites while they were still somewhat fun. I suppose the hard part
will come when SD starts resenting all of these new responsibilities and
stops doing them. Then we will see how things go. Things are always easy
when everything is going well. The challenge is always when things stop
going so well.
So, while we didn't draw up a full plan, I would say that we have started
down the road of joint parenting. I take this as a very positive step and
am quite excited. My wife is teaching me new ways to relate to my step
daughter and helping me build this relationship. This year, we haven't had
the constant bickering that we experienced in past years.
Thanks again for the support.
"Vicki Robinson" <vjr...@xcski.com> wrote in message
news:9or52s$sp9$1...@allhats.xcski.com...
Anne Haas
>down the road of joint parenting. I take this as a very positive step and
>am quite excited. My wife is teaching me new ways to relate to my step
>daughter and helping me build this relationship. This year, we haven't had
>the constant bickering that we experienced in past years.
>
>Thanks again for the support.
>
Congratulations, Phil. And please stick around and participate when the mood
strikes. We always need "a few good men." :-)
AnneH
Raising a teenager is like nailing Jello to a tree.
jane
>down the road of joint parenting. I take this as a very positive step and
>am quite excited.
Well, that's grand.
jane