"Accidents" (kinda long!)
lilblakdog
Okay...I need help.
My husband's ex and I do not agree on child raising at all. I was
surprised that my stepson was still wearing diapers at 3 years old, so you
can imagine how mortified I was that he was still wearing them at 7!
I'd like to state my opinion about the fact that they make diapers to fit a
7 year old in the first place. It seems to me that so long as these are
readily available in the stores ("made to look like real underwear so your
child feels grown up!"), inexperienced parents are still going to think
it's normal for their child to be wearing them at 7!
In all fairness, he was only wearing them to bed, but he did have these
ridiculous reoccurring "accidents" everywhere we went and even at home.
For a long time they were worst when his father and I were having a
conversation that did not include him. Easy to understand where they were
coming from, but still most unacceptable.
We get him for a month each summer and last year I told my husband that
under no circumstances were we going to be buying these things. So the day
after we picked him up, we took him camping for ten days, telling him that
we'd forgotten his Pull-Ups and he'd have to start being responsible enough
to go to the bathroom when he needed to. The first day was fine; the
second day we had an accident. So we made him sit in the tent by himself
for half an hour and my husband had a long talk with him. Then we were
fine again for a couple of days before having another one. We took away
his toys and books for the day. The next morning he had another one and we
told him that there wouldn't be any toys that day either.
That afternoon, I taught him how to catch cottonwood "fairies" and wish on
them. He told me that he wished he had a toy. I very gently told him that
he couldn't have any toys that day but if he was very good and went to the
bathroom when he had to, he could have them back the next day. We never
had another problem for that whole month!
Now here's the problem. We didn't get to see him again until the week
before Christmas and on the first morning, he wet his pants. We had to
make do with a good talking to because we had plans for the afternoon
(being Christmas, we had all kinds of exciting things planned and did NOT
feel like spending the time punishing him). I suspected he wet his pants
again on the second day, but he denied it and I didn't push. The third
day, he wet his pants again. This time we made him stay in his room,
sitting on his bed with no toys or books, for several hours. He went home
the next day.
HOW ON EARTH DO I DEAL WITH THIS??? I absolutely despise having to retrain
him every time he comes to stay with us. I feel like shaking the woman and
asking what the hell she's doing to our kid, but I haven't got the right
and my husband doesn't really feel like he does either. So, since I can't
change my husband or how he feels about things, can anybody suggest what
*I* can do?
Thanks!
lil
peg boucher murphy
i sure hope that my sweetie is right and this is a troll. but i am responding
to it as if it is not, because it is a real issue...
In article <01bd466b$df1ff360$f30267d1@watsons>,
lilblakdog <lbdcre...@juno.com> wrote:
>My husband's ex and I do not agree on child raising at all. I was
>surprised that my stepson was still wearing diapers at 3 years old, so you
>can imagine how mortified I was that he was still wearing them at 7!
>
>I'd like to state my opinion about the fact that they make diapers to fit a
>7 year old in the first place. It seems to me that so long as these are
>readily available in the stores ("made to look like real underwear so your
>child feels grown up!"), inexperienced parents are still going to think
>it's normal for their child to be wearing them at 7!
<snip>
i know from what you write that you are *not* a child psychologist nor
a pediatrician, so my next question for you is "what makes you the voice
of experience as compared to this child's bio-mom?"
you might want to do a little research on bed-wetting -- i would suggest
starting with a medical doctor, preferably a pediatrician. bed-wetting
is a *medical* condition that is very common in grade school aged children.
it is especially common in boys under the age of 10. for these children,
the "only" symptom of this condition is bed-wetting at night (which may
not actually happen every single night, but if it happens with any sort
of regularity, you should check with a doctor). for these kids, wearing
wearing pull-ups to bed *is* normal. far more comfortable and easy for
everyone involved than rubber sheets, or washing all of the bedding
every day.
>We get him for a month each summer and last year I told my husband that
>under no circumstances were we going to be buying these things. So the day
>after we picked him up, we took him camping for ten days, telling him that
>we'd forgotten his Pull-Ups and he'd have to start being responsible enough
>to go to the bathroom when he needed to. The first day was fine; the
>second day we had an accident. So we made him sit in the tent by himself
>for half an hour and my husband had a long talk with him. Then we were
>fine again for a couple of days before having another one. We took away
>his toys and books for the day. The next morning he had another one and we
>told him that there wouldn't be any toys that day either.
<snip>
if he has this medical condition (which is *highly* likely, especially if
it is in either family), then you are punishing and shaming a child for
something beyond his control.
it is absolutely *no* *different* than parents or gym teachers humiliating
or punishing asthmatic kids for being out of breath and not keeping up
during athletic activity.
it is absolutely *no* *different* than calling children with learning
disabilities "stupid".
it may be something different, too. but wouldn't you rather check and be
sure?
(one thing about camping -- our kids drink a lot less in the evening when
camping, as do i, because getting up out of the tent, etc, is such a
pain. some kids with this disorder find that kind of difference makes
things different so a kid with bladder control problems can find making
it through the night much easier. personally, i rarely go all night at
home and *always* do when camping.)
>HOW ON EARTH DO I DEAL WITH THIS??? I absolutely despise having to retrain
>him every time he comes to stay with us. I feel like shaking the woman and
>asking what the hell she's doing to our kid, but I haven't got the right
>and my husband doesn't really feel like he does either. So, since I can't
>change my husband or how he feels about things, can anybody suggest what
>*I* can do?
first of all, i wonder how acutely he feels the pressure at your house to
be "good" (your words to him, deleted) and how that affects his ability
to stay dry. <shrug>
if he is having regular accidents during the day, my first move would be
to take him to a doctor and make sure it wasn't physical. my second move
would be to take him to a therapist and deal with the emotional stuff that
is probably causing it.
the former can be done by you regardless of how often/long you see him.
the latter is a lot more tricky unless you have regular and frequent
visitation (which it doesn't sound like you do, unless i am really misreading
your post).
peg
-who doesn't have bed-wetting in her family, but has watched two close friends
struggle with this with their sons, one until he was 12. both ended up
doing real emotional damage to their kids shaming and punishing them for
this medical condition, which took a lot of therapy to undo...
janelaw
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Wakanyeja Makah
On 3 Mar 1998 06:16:11 GMT, "lilblakdog" <lbdcre...@juno.com> wrote:
>Okay...I need help.
Obviously.
>My husband's ex and I do not agree on child raising at all. I was
>surprised that my stepson was still wearing diapers at 3 years old, so you
>can imagine how mortified I was that he was still wearing them at 7!
As a nurse, let me assure you that there are a great many children who are
still in diapers at age three...and many children who are incontinent of
bladder (especially at night) far past the age of 7.
>I'd like to state my opinion about the fact that they make diapers to fit a
>7 year old in the first place. It seems to me that so long as these are
>readily available in the stores ("made to look like real underwear so your
>child feels grown up!"), inexperienced parents are still going to think
>it's normal for their child to be wearing them at 7!
Actually, it is quite *normal* especially in male children to be wearing
Pull-ups or Good-Nites at this age.
>In all fairness, he was only wearing them to bed, but he did have these
>ridiculous reoccurring "accidents" everywhere we went and even at home.
>For a long time they were worst when his father and I were having a
>conversation that did not include him. Easy to understand where they were
>coming from, but still most unacceptable.
I think you are trying to hard to psychoanalyze this situation (and
wrongly, I might add). You sincerely need to take him to your family MD or
pediatrician to be checked for any physical causes and also to reassure
yourself that this is perfectly normal in some children (especially males)
and that they do indeed *grow out of it*.
>We get him for a month each summer and last year I told my husband that
>under no circumstances were we going to be buying these things. So the day
>after we picked him up, we took him camping for ten days, telling him that
>we'd forgotten his Pull-Ups and he'd have to start being responsible enough
>to go to the bathroom when he needed to. The first day was fine; the
>second day we had an accident. So we made him sit in the tent by himself
>for half an hour and my husband had a long talk with him. Then we were
>fine again for a couple of days before having another one. We took away
>his toys and books for the day. The next morning he had another one and we
>told him that there wouldn't be any toys that day either.
This is humiliation for him- plain and simple and serves no worthwhile
purpose. You are emotionally abusing your step-child.
>Now here's the problem. We didn't get to see him again until the week
>before Christmas and on the first morning, he wet his pants. We had to
>make do with a good talking to because we had plans for the afternoon
>(being Christmas, we had all kinds of exciting things planned and did NOT
>feel like spending the time punishing him). I suspected he wet his pants
>again on the second day, but he denied it and I didn't push. The third
>day, he wet his pants again. This time we made him stay in his room,
>sitting on his bed with no toys or books, for several hours. He went home
>the next day.
What possible purpose do you think sitting him on his bed for HOURS will
accomplish? You need to talk to a child professional and quickly...before
you end up causing this child to go through YEARS of therapy to undo what
your humiliation and punishment over a situation he cannot control!
>HOW ON EARTH DO I DEAL WITH THIS??? I absolutely despise having to retrain
>him every time he comes to stay with us. I feel like shaking the woman and
>asking what the hell she's doing to our kid, but I haven't got the right
>and my husband doesn't really feel like he does either. So, since I can't
>change my husband or how he feels about things, can anybody suggest what
>*I* can do?
Relax and talk to a pediatrician or MD (who is going to give you much the
same advise I have given you). Stop torturing this poor child. Buy the
Pull-Ups for night-time and STOP making a huge deal out of it. At seven I
am sure he is just as angry and embarrassed at himself (whether or not he
vocalizes this to you) as you are that he is still bed-wetting. Let it go.
If he has a physical problem help to correct it. More than likely he just
doesn't *wake* to go to the bathroom. This will resolve itself in time.
The damage you are doing by making a affair of it will not!!!!
>Thanks!
>
>lil
W. Makah
(....who is a nurse....although I've never played one on TV...)
Maria
My fiance's son had that same problem. It's normal for a boy his age to
do that. I can't believe how cruel you are being. Maybe if you were
more loving and understanding it would help him. My SS's former
stepmother was just like you - she punished him every time he wet the
bed. I think this made matters worse for him. It was humilitating
enough without her having a fit every time he did it. Don't you think
he'd refrain from doing it if he could? Duh! As soon as he and his
father moved out of her house he quit wetting the bed. It makes me
wonder if he was doing it subconsciously becuase of her. I know he
wasn't doing it on purpose. You and your husband should try to be a
little more understanding. And quit blaming his mother! Why is this
her fault?
Neuminosum
I'm with W. Makah. Our youngest child, now 8, had bedwetting problems and
frequent soiling of her pants until she was 7.5. Even though we knew of the
root causes of some of the trouble (abuse in the bio mohter's home and anxiety
over visits), our frustration with the child only made thigs worse.
I know it's maddening. I've been there. The child was so embarassed about
soiling her pants she'd hide them, and that stinks (pardon the pun). Our anger
over finding the hidden pants would make the kid even more anxious.
With a change of attitude on our part and the help of a medical program geared
toward children with this problem, we now have no soiling troubles. The child
was responsible for cleaning herself up, and helping change and wash seets, but
was not "punished" for the soiling. There were consequences for hiding dirty
pants, and we made it as easy as possible for her to clean up and put soiled
pants in a bucket in the laundry area.
We also used incentives to get her to pay more attention to what she was
feeling in her body. Because of the prior physical abuse, there is no doubt in
my mind that the child, when ovewhelmed, would not sense what was going on in
her body. Occasionally stopping an activity to ask her how her body felt seemed
to help her some. A simple question posed while doing homework, playing at the
park, after a fight with her brother or a call from a friend-fun and not so fun
things-we'd ask so that she would again have a sense of what was going on
physically as well as emotionally.
Please do go talk with a doctor. Your frustration is real...very real, as is
the anger of having to retrain a child. We did this for six years before
finally getting a program that worked and a maturity level in the child that
could comprehend what was going on in her body.
Best wishes to you and your family.
S&V Moroz
Peg is right!!
My stepson is 10 and has had a bedwetting problem...he seems to be
outgrowing it..thankfully for him!!
It is a pain.....especially when camping or staying elsewher. We never
provided diapers....but he was never shamed or anything...just told to
try agian tommorrow.
It is harder on the kid....selfesteem I think that on the parents. It
is a common problem and there is a organization that apparently has
success dealing with it....enurisis is the medical name. I got info
through those coupon packages in the mail...but unfortunately they could
not help us because my ss mother refuses to acknowledge to us that he
has this problem (which is worse at her house).
We found eating late, especially sweets was a trigger so when camping
etc he was not allowed to have pop and sugary snacks after dinner.
Shawna
Terri Sprague
To add another voice to this subject, I wet the bed until I was 8
years old. It was a very painful time in my life. Luckily my parents
and my siblings didn't hassle me about it.
When I was 8, my mother found an article about allergies causing some
bed wetting. The cause was milk. I agreed to try cutting out milk from
my diet after noon each day. The first day, I didn't wet the bed. We
kept to that schedule for two weeks. I didn't wet the bed AT ALL for
those two weeks. After two weeks we moved the time for cutting off
milk to 3 pm. After another two weeks we moved the time to 6pm. I did
not wet the bed in all this time. After two weeks on the 6pm. We moved
the time to 7pm (my bedtime was 8). I wet the bed that night.
I stayed at the 6 pm deadline until I was about 13. As a teenager, I
did what I wanted to. I never wet the bed again.
Please consider that this triggered by an allergy, before you do
anything else. It really helped me.
Terri
tspr...@jps.net
S&V Moroz
To all,
The original poster mailed me privately and several others I
understand. She was upset that we were not understanding of the
problem.
Apparently her ss "problem" is not only at night, but during the day.
There appear to be other issues as well.
I wrote her back stating that she should have been more specific
regarding the issue as well as offering my advice.
Shawna