Mind if I rant???
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
went really well and there were no signs of the beligerant behavior that my
stepson was showing when he first arrived here three weeks ago (see "What
happened to my delightful little boy?", or something like that). There was
no foul language and no talking back...we had a really great time!
However, I noticed one or two things that have me really, really upset. Last
spring, we received his report card which stated that he "needs improvement"
in math. This doesn't even begin to describe his problem with math!
We bought him a "camping workbook." It has a page of activities for each day
of his summer vacation...English, math, social studies and simple science.
We got to the first day of math and my stepson...who's just been promoted to
grade three...had no idea how to tackle the questions. I mean not a single
clue, and these were things like 3 + 4! So I got out his pencil crayons
(which he had millions of) and showed him how to use them like counters.
After I helped him with two questions, he was able to do the other 28 with no
problem at all. Took me about ten minutes to show him how to do them.
Then we got to subtraction...still no clue. So we worked it out again, using
the pencil crayons. Five minutes and he had those down.
One day, my husband asks him what 3 + 1 was. Well, his counters weren't
available and he was lost. He very obviously had no idea what that was or
even how to count it out on his fingers! At the nearest possible
opportunity, I sat him down and taught him how to do simple math on his
fingers. You know, "Okay, c, count out three fingers and then count out one
finger...now how many fingers are you holding up?" He seemed to figure it
out okay, but then we got to 3 + 2. He counted out his middle three fingers
and then his thumb and little finger. So I asked how many fingers he was
holding out, as he sat there with his outstretched hands. He had to count
them. I said, "C, don't you know how many fingers you have on your hand?"
He didn't. He didn't know he had ten fingers; five on each hand. He has no
idea how many toes he's supposed to have.
How does a kid get to third grade without knowing how many fingers he has???
We really have some work ahead of us...and we really need to have a long,
long talk with his third grade teacher when school starts again!!! Honestly,
we're doing so well. We spent two weeks teaching him all about endangered
and extinct animals, mountains, glaciers and hoodoos, nouns and verbs,
addition and subtraction...how do you deal with a kid who doesn't even know
how many fingers he's supposed to have? We've mastered the "Stuffed animals
can sleep beside the bed, rather than in the bed" and "Perhaps Barney isn't
the best show for an eight year old...let's see what else we can find that
you've never watched before". We've got him playing with other children
(something he's never done) and speaking out against things he think is wrong
(at one campsite he chastised all the other children for chasing the
bunnies!) and convinced him that it isn't necessary to cry for an hour after
falling down, simply because he wants the attention. We're working on tying
his shoes, too, but I really don't know how to deal with this. His mother is
really disinterested in helping him grow and learn...she wants him to be a
baby and she lets him watch Barney and Teletubbies and buys him shoes with
velcro so he doesn't have to bother with laces. She *never* helps him with
schoolwork or quizzes him on things he's learned.
He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk about
all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously working
out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of
understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories that he
hasn't tackled yet! Man, if DH and I could only have custody of him for a
year, he'd be a completely different child!
Sorry that this has gotten so long, but is there anybody out there who have
an eight year old that isn't learning anything at home or school?????
lil
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Andrew&Posey
Wow, how scary for you! I believe that you handled it the best way - simply
by crerating activites to help instead of pointing out the obvy! We have to
deal with a MUCH milder version of this with my two FSDs... I'm not sure
that I can offer any advice, but you've got my support in this endeavour.
Ours get no support at home. At school, it's hard to know since all we have
access to is the school report. (We're going to remedy this for the next
school year - skip BM and go right to the teacher)
My older FSD last school report was accompanied by the statement that she is
intelligent enough to be in the highest level of the class (there's a low,
average and high breakout in classwork, apparently) but because she was sick
and missed 41 days of school this year 41 Days! We were shocked!!!! This
is the 5 year old who gets headaches, gets sick from October - January
because Mummy doesn't care that her smoking has a negative effect on a child
with bronchitis, etc... 41 days! There was a apparently a question of
whether or not she would even be able to pass - not because she (FSD) isn't
smart enough, but whether or not it should be legal to pass a child through
who has missed 6 weeks of school without an investigation into the home
life. Of course, this being England, heaven forbid that such a thing occur,
so it won't happen.
>We've got him playing with other children
>(something he's never done) and speaking out against things he think is
wrong
>(at one campsite he chastised all the other children for chasing the
>bunnies!) and convinced him that it isn't necessary to cry for an hour
after
>falling down, simply because he wants the attention.
It's worrying that a third-grader can't open a book and just DO assignments,
but the things that you mention above are JUST as important, and maybe even
more so. You're teaching him how to be a participatory human being, and
that's very important. My FSDs will throw a look of panic at us before
giving up the activity if another little kid approaches them at the
playground. And don't get me started on their other playground activities...
I see kids both older & younger, who don't cry when going down slides, or
scaling rope walls - in fact, I don't see ANY that DO cry except ours. It's
like, their mother refuses to teach them to FINISH/FOLLOW-THROUGH on
anything... they never finish drawings, puzzles, games only occasionally
(which always end in tears when one loses)...
>We're working on tying
>his shoes, too, but I really don't know how to deal with this. His mother
is
>really disinterested in helping him grow and learn...she wants him to be a
>baby and she lets him watch Barney and Teletubbies and buys him shoes with
>velcro so he doesn't have to bother with laces.
Maybe you could make him some "tying" worksheets, with holes punched... set
him some kind of challenge? "Hey, X, dad and I want to know that since
you're so good at counting, if you think that you can tie 30 (or whatever)
number..." or something. I'm not saying bribe him - but teach him that
goals (when reached) are a good thing. We use the "wow, you tied that so
beautifully. Aren't you proud of yourself for taking the time to do it
right?" It sounds corny, but it does work.
>She *never* helps him with
>schoolwork or quizzes him on things he's learned.
Wait, our BMs must be sisters... =) Ours just *does* everything for the
girls because it's much faster and she can't be bothered to let them do
things - except, of course, clean up their room because "they're so lazy."
They don't know how to blow their noses - not that they won't - they DON'T
understand the concept. They can tie, but used to moan and whine that they
didn't want to do it (we don't accept this any more, and they don't do it
any more unless they really HAVE tried several times.) They don't like
undoing the button on their jeans ("hurts their fingers" and don't know how
to brush beyond their 2 front teeth.
>
>He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk about
>all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously working
>out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of
>understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories that
he
>hasn't tackled yet!
Maybe you should send a letter of concern, detailing everything that you've
done here, to his principal, and "cc" Mom? I can't remember what your legal
situation with (sorry) and whether or not it's a talking through lawyers
only relationship, or what.But your SS deserves having you & his dad
"speakout against things you both think is wrong"... gee, doesn't that sound
familiar?
Good luck!
Posey
Sharyn
for the summer, I knew that Travis needed to learn his alphabet and needed
to learn to count. (His mother told me the day before, that she and the
teacher gave up on him). But I was no way in any shape prepared for what I
got. His sister, who is going into the fourth grade, could not read at all,
nor do any type of addition or subtraction. So I got busy. I bought some of
those workbooks that Kmart sells. Not a good idea, both kids got frustrated
really quickly because they couldn't do it. So I bought them the apprioate
Jumpstart learning CD's. (After having bought the ones that took them into
the grade levels they ARE suppose to be in, I had to buy ones that were
apprioate for where they were). Well they have been here 6 weeks now, Travis
can do his abc's with few errors, and he can count to 12. By the time he
goes back (in about another 4 weeks) I hope to have him counting to 50, know
his abc's with NO errors, and be able to do a little basic math. Like you we
had to teach him how to tie his shoes. He had no idea, he just balled the
strings up and tucked them inside his shoes. That is Travis. Now Tosh, we
have her doing single, double and triple digit addition and subtraction. She
can read at a preschool to first grade level. And she is really trying to
get up to the fourth grade level. (We found out that her mother had her put
in special classes so she can collect the SSI that they give to the kids
with learning disabilities). On June 23, 1998 I had both of them tested for
the aptitude/achievement. Travis was doing really poorly on his test, bcause
he hadn't learned his alphabet yet and things that a kindergartener needs to
know. Tosh was doing below kindergarten level work on over 95% of the
results. They are suppose to take the test again in a couple weeks to see if
they have learned anything while here this summer.
It was so sad to see how far behind Tosh was. She gets so frustrated she
starts to cry because she can't do it. But I have (I hope) shown her she
can, if she takes the time to WANT to do it. With her math, we went all the
way back to the bais 1+1, 4-2, with worksheets from an early education
program that I found on the internet.
And Travis was always calling himself dumb because he couldn't grasp the
letters. Well yesterday we were sitting at IHOP's and he was writing his
name, so I ask him to write the letters as I said them and he only missed 2.
the "u" and the "y". Talk about a proud moment for me.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote in message
<6oehln$bli$1...@nnrp1.dejanews.com>...
>you've never watched before". We've got him playing with other children
>(something he's never done) and speaking out against things he think is
wrong
>(at one campsite he chastised all the other children for chasing the
>bunnies!) and convinced him that it isn't necessary to cry for an hour
after
>falling down, simply because he wants the attention. We're working on
tying
>his shoes, too, but I really don't know how to deal with this. His mother
is
>really disinterested in helping him grow and learn...she wants him to be a
>baby and she lets him watch Barney and Teletubbies and buys him shoes with
>velcro so he doesn't have to bother with laces. She *never* helps him with
>schoolwork or quizzes him on things he's learned.
>
>He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk about
>all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously working
>out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of
>understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories that
he
janelaw
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote:
>
> Okay...we just got home from our two week camping trip......snip
> I noticed one or two things that have me really, really upset. Last
> spring, we received his report card which stated that he "needs improvement"
> in math. This doesn't even begin to describe his problem with math!
From what I see, "needs improvement" is the grade elementary
school teachers give to likable kids whose performance is
abysmal.
>
> We bought him a "camping workbook." It has a page of activities for each day
> of his summer vacation...English, math, social studies and simple science.
> We got to the first day of math and my stepson...who's just been promoted to
> grade three...had no idea how to tackle the questions. I mean not a single
> clue, and these were things like 3 + 4! So I got out his pencil crayons
> (which he had millions of) and showed him how to use them like counters.
> After I helped him with two questions, he was able to do the other 28 with no
> problem at all. Took me about ten minutes to show him how to do them.
>
> Then we got to subtraction...still no clue. So we worked it out again, using
> the pencil crayons. Five minutes and he had those down.
>
This is good. He is capable of learning with one-on-one
tutoring.
> One day, my husband asks him what 3 + 1 was. Well, his counters weren't
> available and he was lost. He very obviously had no idea what that was or
> even how to count it out on his fingers! At the nearest possible
> opportunity, I sat him down and taught him how to do simple math on his
> fingers. You know, "Okay, c, count out three fingers and then count out one
> finger...now how many fingers are you holding up?" He seemed to figure it
> out okay, but then we got to 3 + 2. He counted out his middle three fingers
> and then his thumb and little finger. So I asked how many fingers he was
> holding out, as he sat there with his outstretched hands. He had to count
> them. I said, "C, don't you know how many fingers you have on your hand?"
> He didn't. He didn't know he had ten fingers; five on each hand. He has no
> idea how many toes he's supposed to have.
>
> How does a kid get to third grade without knowing how many fingers he has???
>
Schools don't keep kids back anymore.
You might be okay with the math. The whole first third of third
grade is review here. You really have to get a grip on this
now, tho, because the next third is multiplication and
division. If kids don't get that, they are really up a creek.
Stay in close contact with SS's teacher.
Does BM have a computer? "Edutainment" software works for us.
My kids like Math Blaster and Math For the Real World. MB has
many different levels, and they have it at Costco.
One thing that could be just perfect for SS is a kiddy laptop. I
believe I got a Think Pad. They can be a little pricey ($50 to
$100?), and it probably requires a trip to ToysRUs to figure out
which one is best. Some are upgradeable. Some have a whole
slew of different subjects. OTOH, i think the ones with just
basic skills are cheaper. Anyway, my daughter felt really
important. It made her feel that school and learning were
important, too. She brought it everywhere and never lost it
(which, if you knew my daughter would impress you very much).
Also, no one knew when she made mistakes; she learned to think
it over and try again. She still uses it.
Actually, do you have thrift stores near you? It might be
better if you got a used one. If you buy it new and BM doesn't
keep tabs on it, you might want to kill her.
> We really have some work ahead of us...and we really need to have a long,
> long talk with his third grade teacher when school starts again!!! Honestly,
> we're doing so well. We spent two weeks teaching him all about endangered
> and extinct animals, mountains, glaciers and hoodoos, nouns and verbs,
> addition and subtraction...how do you deal with a kid who doesn't even know
> how many fingers he's supposed to have? We've mastered the "Stuffed animals
> can sleep beside the bed, rather than in the bed" and "Perhaps Barney isn't
> the best show for an eight year old...let's see what else we can find that
> you've never watched before". We've got him playing with other children
> (something he's never done) and speaking out against things he think is wrong
> (at one campsite he chastised all the other children for chasing the
> bunnies!) and convinced him that it isn't necessary to cry for an hour after
> falling down, simply because he wants the attention. We're working on tying
> his shoes, too, but I really don't know how to deal with this. His mother is
> really disinterested in helping him grow and learn...she wants him to be a
> baby and she lets him watch Barney and Teletubbies and buys him shoes with
> velcro so he doesn't have to bother with laces. She *never* helps him with
> schoolwork or quizzes him on things he's learned.
SS is not the only second-grader who can't tie his shoes; velcro
has a lot to answer for. Maybe SS is intellectually or
emotionally stimulated by Barney. I can't imagine how, either,
but then I could never watch the show for long enough to find
out.
Unless and until you decide to try for greater physical custody,
stay in daily contact with SS as much as you can. Casual
conversation about school, people, the world around him, etc.
will stimulate him intellectually. Get copies of the books he
is using in school this year and follow along. Discuss with him
the stories he reads in class. Let him know that you are taking
the time and effort to stay in touch with his teacher. Even at
long-distance, your interest in school will show him how
important it is, and how important he is to you.
Another thing you can do is give him a certain amount of money
per day if he reads for a half hour and writes three sentences
about what he read. Keep it in a jar at your house. Even a
quarter a day can add up. When he comes to visit, he has earned
enough for major shopping. The potential for math instruction
is limitless. The value of the reading skills are immeasurable.
>
> He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk about
> all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously working
> out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of
> understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories that he
> hasn't tackled yet! Man, if DH and I could only have custody of him for a
> year, he'd be a completely different child!
>
Kids seem to learn a lot more outside school than they do in.
BM is not a "teacher." She will never be the type of person who
incorporates teaching into every aspect of life. She will never
explain fractions while baking cookies or rearranging pizza
slices. She is his mother, tho.
So you will probably be the one who will do all the work. You
have to find out what evaluation, enhancement, and intercession
programs are available. You have to arrange for "pull-out"
tutoring. You have to be the squeaky wheel. It sounds unfair,
but it's not really. You are capable of this, and I don't think
that either DH or BM are. In fact, from your posts, I get the
impression that neither of them really even understands what you
are talking about.
Dylan's Mom
out there who have
> an eight year old that isn't learning anything at home or school?????"
Yes, me. My nine year old sdaughter came to live with us 6 months ago.
She was in third grade and doing horribly. She has since been diagnosed
with ADD (she's not hyper). Already over the summer I've seen the
difference in her since she's been on the medication.
Of course I'm not trying to say that you sson has add. One of the things
you need to remember is he's not used to having someone to work with him on
his school work - give him time. Also I know from my own experience I get
frustrated with my sdaughter when she doesn't get things that seem so
simple to me - of course they are simple to me I'm 33. So I remind myself
that she is just a little girl and let her go at her own pace. I was were
you are at now. Keep trying with him every chance you get. Just make sure
every trip to dad's isn't like a study hall. I'm sure you will find many
fun and creative ways to make learning fun. Too bad his mom is so lazy.
Maybe you offer her to take him for the school year and she have him
vacations and summer (?).--
Dyla...@My-Dejanews.com
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com wrote in article
<6oehln$bli$1...@nnrp1.dejanews.com>...
> Okay...we just got home from our two week camping trip. All in all,
things
> went really well and there were no signs of the beligerant behavior that
my
> stepson was showing when he first arrived here three weeks ago (see "What
> happened to my delightful little boy?", or something like that). There
was
> no foul language and no talking back...we had a really great time!
>
> However, I noticed one or two things that have me really, really upset.
Last
> spring, we received his report card which stated that he "needs
improvement"
> in math. This doesn't even begin to describe his problem with math!
>
> We bought him a "camping workbook." It has a page of activities for each
day
> of his summer vacation...English, math, social studies and simple
science.
> We got to the first day of math and my stepson...who's just been promoted
to
> grade three...had no idea how to tackle the questions. I mean not a
single
> clue, and these were things like 3 + 4! So I got out his pencil crayons
> (which he had millions of) and showed him how to use them like counters.
> After I helped him with two questions, he was able to do the other 28
with no
> problem at all. Took me about ten minutes to show him how to do them.
>
> Then we got to subtraction...still no clue. So we worked it out again,
using
> the pencil crayons. Five minutes and he had those down.
>
> One day, my husband asks him what 3 + 1 was. Well, his counters weren't
> available and he was lost. He very obviously had no idea what that was
or
> even how to count it out on his fingers! At the nearest possible
> opportunity, I sat him down and taught him how to do simple math on his
> fingers. You know, "Okay, c, count out three fingers and then count out
one
> finger...now how many fingers are you holding up?" He seemed to figure
it
> out okay, but then we got to 3 + 2. He counted out his middle three
fingers
> and then his thumb and little finger. So I asked how many fingers he was
> holding out, as he sat there with his outstretched hands. He had to
count
> them. I said, "C, don't you know how many fingers you have on your
hand?"
> He didn't. He didn't know he had ten fingers; five on each hand. He has
no
> idea how many toes he's supposed to have.
>
> How does a kid get to third grade without knowing how many fingers he
has???
>
> He's really, really thrived with our help...you should hear him talk
about
> all the things we learned this past two weeks. But we're obviously
working
> out things that, although they're necessary and he's capable of
> understanding, are way beyond the simple tasks and facts and theories
that he
> hasn't tackled yet! Man, if DH and I could only have custody of him for
a
> year, he'd be a completely different child!
>
Sian Lee Reid
"Dylan's Mom" <Dyla...@My-Dejanews.com> wrote:
> Lilblakdog says "Sorry that this has gotten so long, but is there anybody
> out there who have
> > an eight year old that isn't learning anything at home or school?????"
>
Lil, I've watched your patient posts in here for months, and I really have
to commend you on your determination...
One of the things that occurred to me when I was reading your description
of teaching your son math concepts by using pencil crayons as counters, is
that he might adapt really well to Montessori teaching methods. They
start with physical materials worked with on an individual basis, and only
abstract the concepts once they are mastered in the physical form.
Because it is a non-competitive environment without testing, your stepson
would not be as likely to be made to feel like a failure.
Now, full-time Montessori school is probably out of bio-mom's reach
(you're in Canada, and so am I... rates around here for a child your
stepson's age are $8900/school year, admittedly, that covers before and
after school care as well). However, the Montessori academy near me
offers summer programs week to week at only a slightly higher cost than
city-run daycamp. If even that is unworkable, you may want to read up on
Montessori method yourself.
Good luck!
Sian
AmyAmy4734
and she is still developing the skills needed to write sentences. For awhile,
both kids (my ss is going into 2nd grade) really lagged on their schoolwork.
Their mom doesn't like to force them to do anything, so they never like to do
homework. And the schools are inadequate. The kids don't even have textbooks
or desks. But we have found the Learning Company to be a great teaching
method. This company puts out CD-ROMs such as Treasure Cove and Treasure
Mountain and others. They teach comprehensive reading, writing, spelling,
math, even typing. One of their CDs is called Read, Write, and Type. The kids
love the CDs and really seem to make a lot of progress.
aks
Pattie Schey
classes. My SD had a U in Math and a D in science7th grade) and they
passed her!! We sent her to summer school and naturally she came home
and said she was more "advanced" than the other kids in class. Now that
doesn't say much to me..but I told Her "Hey you can talk the talk but
can you walk the walk?" so how did you manage to get a U if you're so
advanced.
We just got her in january and have been going through the same process
you are..alot of work ahead but hey she'll be better for it latter.
BTW I signed her up for 6 weeks of summer school in two three week
sessions...she's on the second set and is not having any problems and I
think she even likes it...she skwaked in the beginning but...
Pattie
Dean Barker
about,
but the question that comes to my mind is why didn't the father know
about these things prior to this? It seems that both the mother and
father
are at fault.
My experiences with my step-kids is that both kids have had huge
difficulties
learning the things that they would have been learning when the
traumatic split-up
occurred in their lives. Their dad left the house when my SS was 6 and
my SD was
2. Since then my SS has had a hard time learning to read and write and
my SD
has had a hard time with bed-wetting and speech. When we got married my
SS
was to enter 3rd grade but we knew he was in no way ready for 3rd grade
so
we had him retake 2nd grade (the schools would have let him move on).
His
father didn't like that, it was offensive to him, but even now my SS is
going
into 6th grade and his reading has moved up to a 4th grade level. We
have
worked with him and the special ed teachers at the school to get him to
the
level he is at. It involved homework every single day after school and
in the
summer for 3 straight years now. The only time he doesn't do homework is
when
he visits his dad every other weekend during the school year....dad
still doesn't
think it is important.
If the mom in your situation is not doing anything to help that child,
and you
know that for a fact, maybe there is a way you could have more day to
day contact
to help him with school.
-Dean
Sharyn
I can't answer for any other person, but I can give you an example inour
case. We, my husband more specifically never saw a grade card for his
children, until this summer. We knew Tosh couldn't spell very well (but
according to her & her mother that had changed). We knew she was having
problems with her math when she was having problems with the papers her
teacher sent her home with for the summer. With Travis we had no idea that
he was having so many problems (his mother never said anything, until it was
tooo late).
My husband and I live in another state. We talk to the kids on a weekly
basis (if not more often), but we didn't know the extent of their
educational problems (for the lack of another word) until they got here and
I gave them the Jumpstart CD's for the grade they would be going into. I had
to drop the level from 4th grade for his daughter, clear back to first grade
to get the basics for her. And his son dropped to preschool level to get him
to where he is at in the kidergarten level.
I have spent close to $500 with some new cd's I purchased yesterday to give
them a variety of learning resources at their disposable so they WANT to
learn.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Dean Barker wrote in message <35AE32...@cray.com>...
lilblakdog
Dean Barker <de...@cray.com> wrote in article <35AE32...@cray.com>...
> Maybe there is some background on your situation that I don't know
> about,
> but the question that comes to my mind is why didn't the father know
> about these things prior to this? It seems that both the mother and
> father
> are at fault.
This is very true, and I don't mean to let my DH off too easily. The
largest part of our problem is that my stepson lives on Vancouver Island
and we live on the mainland. It's not that it's that far away, but some
factors have to be involved in us visiting him:
a) we need approximately $50 for walk-on ferry fare and parking
b) we need to have my stepson's mother or stepfather be able to meet us at
the other side, as the live in the interior area of the Island
Barring this, we would need over $100 for drive-on fare. I haven't been
working for awhile and DH only works part-time and is a part-time student.
Once our child support and other bills have been paid, it means only a
once-a-month trip to the Island...if that (although we currently have him
for the summer, less two weeks). So DH is not currently as involved in his
son's life as he would like to be and that's certainly nobody else's fault
but ours.
The other problem is that DH has a lot of that part-time father guilt. You
know,
she's-the-one-in-the-trenches-day-after-day-and-so-who-am-I-to-tell-her-how-
to-raise-the-child? Consequently, we've let an awful lot slide. We try to
fill in as much as we can during our visits, without making it seem like
military camp, but we don't ever talk to her about how she works with him
at home. Unfortunately, he often ends up "unlearning" everything we've
tried to teach him.
I did send an e-mail to her a few days ago, telling her that we intended to
be a lot more involved in his schooling because we couldn't understand how
a child makes it to third grade without being able to count out 3 + 1 on
his fingers. Now I said it in a very nice way, in the middle of a very
long and friendly e-mail, but I think I've insulted her because we haven't
heard from her since then!
I think there's a lot to what you said about crisis times in a child's
life. My DH and his ex were never actually together during my stepson's
life, so that wouldn't have been a crisis for him...at least, not a sudden
crisis. There was, of course, when his mother remarried. I don't know if
he found that traumatic at all, but he *did* have his mother all to himself
until then. However, my stepson is *exactly* like my brother-in-law and
that's what worries me. My brother-in-law was held behind one year, I
believe, but he had the same learning problems and was very much coddled by
my mother-in-law. Consequently, he'd be hopeless if he ever had to try to
take care of himself. He can barely read (my stepson is actually at a
higher reading level than my 28 y.o. brother-in-law) and is academically
useless. For years, he drifted from job to job that never seemed to last
more than a week...if he wasn't fired, he quit. For some reason,
thankfully, he's held this last job for a couple of years now. However, I
don't want my stepson growing up like that, so I have now stepped in. I
just hope it works the way I have planned!
lil
Dean Barker
report
cards in the mail? Also, in my case, since both kids are involved in
special
ed, my SS with reading/writing, my SD with speech, the school has
evaluation
meetings and papers twice a year and both the mom and dad get that
information,
so he knows what is going on, he just chooses to ignore it. We have
always sent
a copy of report cards to dad.
The problem we came up with is that whenever my wife has discussed
education
or behavior problems with her ex, he then turns it into a rant about how
he
is going to have the kids live with him. He has never done anything to
help
with schoolwork, both of the kids teachers have noticed this since
homework
is never done on Mondays following his weekends. And behavior problems
always
happen in the first few days after we get them home from dad's, now I
don't
blame him for this, I blame it on the stress put on the kids from having
to travel back and forth so often, I think it is very hard on them.
Something else that you have to consider, something I've noticed with my
step-kids,
is that they consider a trip to dad's a sort of "vacation" where they
can put
their day-to-day problems/worries behind them. When they come home both
of their minds seem to be stuck in "park". You can not get them to think
about
anything nor listen to any commands. When they are at dad's they are
constantly
entertained from sun up to sun down. When they get home they are faced
with
chores, homework, deadlines, alarm clocks, and neighbor kids knocking on
the
door asking them to do things. It's "life" at home, not "fantasy land".
Is it possible that your SKs are smarter then they let on, but hold back
on
thinking while they are with you? I know all kids are different but its
just
a thought.
-Dean
Sharyn
>Hi Sharyn. Did you ever try asking the school if they would send you
>report
>cards in the mail?
***No, their divorce was only final last year (Aug 97), and the whole mess
was not pretty. The school won't cooperate with Karl, but I am hoping this
year that when they go back to school (w/ the school knowing that they spent
the summer here) with what I have tried to catch them up on, the school
might cooperate with Karl a little more.
Also, in my case, since both kids are involved in
>special
>ed, my SS with reading/writing, my SD with speech, the school has
>evaluation
>meetings and papers twice a year and both the mom and dad get that
>information,
>so he knows what is going on, he just chooses to ignore it. We have
>always sent
>a copy of report cards to dad.
***Well I think that if the X would be a little more cooperative with us as
far as the kids education goes I could of been better prepared. She knew
that I was planning alot of educational activities for them, and never once
said that they were having problems. Except that Travis needed to learn his
ABCs.
>The problem we came up with is that whenever my wife has discussed
>education
>or behavior problems with her ex, he then turns it into a rant about how
>he
>is going to have the kids live with him. He has never done anything to
>help
>with schoolwork, both of the kids teachers have noticed this since
>homework
>is never done on Mondays following his weekends. And behavior problems
>always
>happen in the first few days after we get them home from dad's, now I
>don't
>blame him for this, I blame it on the stress put on the kids from having
>to travel back and forth so often, I think it is very hard on them.
***Karl and I live a state away from his kids. We have a 4 1/2 hour drive
one way, so you can see the travel time involved. And I even try to make
that educational with the VTech computers that I bought them. The problem
with the computers is that they can't do the stuff that they need to do.
>Something else that you have to consider, something I've noticed with my
>step-kids,
>is that they consider a trip to dad's a sort of "vacation" where they
>can put
>their day-to-day problems/worries behind them.
***Well my house is anything but a vacation. I expect them to do chores,
dohomework type things, and the such. I expect them to try to read every
day. I don't know how they act when they go home. I know that when we first
get them the first 12 hours are real bad then they settle into the routine
they know that they have in my home.
> When they come home both of their minds seem to be stuck in "park". You
can not get them to think about anything nor listen to any commands. When
they are at dad's they are constantly entertained from sun up to sun down.
When they get home they are faced with chores, homework, deadlines, alarm
clocks, and neighbor kids knocking on the door asking them to do things.
It's "life" at home, not "fantasy land".
>
>Is it possible that your SKs are smarter then they let on, but hold back on
>thinking while they are with you? I know all kids are different but its
just
>a thought.
***No, it is possible. I ask Tosh to write a summary of a book that she
read. Every other word (or so) was mispelled. I have asked her to read to me
or her dad and she just can't. And she gets so frustrated trying. And Travis
honestly didn't know the stuff that we needed to teach him. My worse thought
through all the teaching things I have done with them is that if sonmething
is done, these are going to grow up to be two angry adults. The stigma of
being placed in special ed classes are not nice. And my biggest fear is they
won't let Tosh out of the one that she is in. And soon Travis will be stuck
in one. (It was done, so the mother could get SSI for Tosh). They have been
told that they are stupid for so long that they believe it. Travis calls
himself "stupid" 2 or 3 times a day.
Sharyn
Rose
Sharyn wrote:
> Dean Barker wrote in message <35AF79...@cray.com>...
> >Hi Sharyn. Did you ever try asking the school if they would send you
> >report
> >cards in the mail?
>
> ***No, their divorce was only final last year (Aug 97), and the whole mess
> was not pretty. The school won't cooperate with Karl, but I am hoping this
> year that when they go back to school (w/ the school knowing that they spent
> the summer here) with what I have tried to catch them up on, the school
> might cooperate with Karl a little more.
Sharyn,
This year try sending them a copy of your husbands divorce papers, and a bunch
of stamped, self-addressed envelopes. My stepsons school told us that this was
the only way we could get anything sent to us on the kids. And then we still had
to call and bug them. We got one, count 'em, one report card at the end of the
year...and the oldest SS had a D in math...sigh, we knew he had been having
trouble, but we're so far away, it's hard to help them.
Anyway, just an idea.
Rose
Sharyn
things that she should be doing when we are so far away. I am trying to make
up for her lack of interest.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Rose wrote in message <35AF8A3B...@usit.net>...
lilblakdog
my stepson have attended have absolutely no interest in interacting with an
NCP. You really have to demand.
When I was in elementary school, we had one student who was in a
single-parent household and another whose mother had had a live-in
boyfriend since she was a baby (therefore, Tammy wasn't seen to be from a
"broken" home...her mom's boyfriend had always been there and he was a
pip!). That was it. Everybody else had both parents. When my husband and
I were hiring the photographer for our wedding, he asked how many sets of
parents there would be. For the first time, we realized what an oddity we
both were...his parents were still together and mine were only seperated by
the death of my dad, ten years before.
It seems to me that, in this day and age, school registration forms should
include a space for custodial parents' and non-custodial parents' names and
addresses. If there's an emergency and my stepson's mom isn't at home,
there's no reason they shouldn't be able to contact us. We have all his
medical information and history. But my stepson is registered under his
stepfather's last name (to make it easier if they have to call home) and as
my husband was never married to his ex, we have no divorce papers. They
have no record of our last name anywhere and the only way we can get
information is if my stepson's mother tells them it's okay to tell us. I
get more frustrated than you would believe! And for anybody who wants to
tell me that it's what my husband deserves for not marrying his ex,
well...PPPLLLLLPPPPPHHHHH!!! Doesn't make him any less a loving and
contributing parent.
Sorry...obviously "Dean Barker"'s school is one up on ours and I applaud
them. This is just a topic that frustrates me a bit!
lil
Rose
Sharyn wrote:
> I think being so far away is a real issue with my steps. It is to hard to do
> things that she should be doing when we are so far away. I am trying to make
> up for her lack of interest.
> Sharyn
>
> --
I know Sharyn, and when it gets super tough, I remember that somewhere, years
from now, the kids will thank us. We don't even know when parent-teacher
conferences are. Call the school and they act like you are a non-entity. Oh
well, eventually, something will have to give. Yes?
There have been lots of times when I wish the kids lived in the same town as us.
Mine aren't as far away as yours, but when they're 2 hours away, it might as
well be a thousand miles.
Rose
Sharyn
Their parents can't be within 100 feet of one another without her smarting
off something to him, just enough to keep the fuel on the fire if you know
what I mean.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Rose wrote in message <35AFB065...@usit.net>...
>
>
>Sharyn wrote:
>
>> I think being so far away is a real issue with my steps. It is to hard to
do
>> things that she should be doing when we are so far away. I am trying to
make
>> up for her lack of interest.
>> Sharyn
>>
>> --
>
Rose
Sharyn wrote:
> I don't think it our case, it would matter if they were in the same town.
> Their parents can't be within 100 feet of one another without her smarting
> off something to him, just enough to keep the fuel on the fire if you know
> what I mean.
> Sharyn
>
> --
LOL, Oh I know very, very well how that goes...sigh, I don't know why they have
to act like that. Tell your hubby to laugh at her. That's what we started doing,
and it seems to be working. Over the last six months, she has pretty much kept
her smart comments to herself. Notice, I said pretty much. As a matter of fact,
I just got off the phone with ours. My hubby is self-employed and got called out
earlier today, and he's supposed to get his boys for the next three weeks, and
she's pitching a bitch cause he's late. <quote>He needs to get these f*&*)$%^
kids out of my hair NOW<unquote>. Whew, I can't stand her...wish me luck for the
next three weeks. House will be chaos, kids jumping and hollering
everywhere......HELP!....lol, everyone here knows how that goes.
Rose
Sharyn
of next month. They been here since June 5th. It was hard trying to find
that routine but once it was found it works pretty well now.
And I also just got off the phone with the X. She wanted to talk to the
kids. Well sd ask her last week to call later in the day because they like
to play when they are out, and the kids they play with thinking they are
going in for a while, go home. So she asked her to call later in the day. So
I in a polite way refused to go get the kids and she was HOT. Oh, well.
I have heard that language used in the same way with the ss. Last summer she
told him to pack his f***ing bags and move in with his Dad. (which was fine
until the judge told her no CS $$ would be awarded). Then he had to go home.
Anyway.... Back to work on the rest of my kitchen. You would think we would
have this thiing done by now...
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Rose wrote in message <35B102E3...@usit.net>...
va...@tdi.net
>
> Dean Barker wrote in message <35AF79...@cray.com>...
> >Hi Sharyn. Did you ever try asking the school if they would send you
> >report
> >cards in the mail?
>
> ***No, their divorce was only final last year (Aug 97), and the whole mess
> was not pretty. The school won't cooperate with Karl, but I am hoping this
> year that when they go back to school (w/ the school knowing that they spent
> the summer here) with what I have tried to catch them up on, the school
> might cooperate with Karl a little more.
>
education. She even went as far as asking the school not to give him
ANY information regarding their son. The school told her that as his
Father, my fiance had a right to know how his son was doing in school,
he had a right to know what school activities were going on, etc. Thank
God for a school who believes in what's best for the child. If you have
joint legal custody - you have every right to anything that is going on
in school that involves your child!
Dean Barker
>
> ***Karl and I live a state away from his kids. We have a 4 1/2 hour drive
> one way, so you can see the travel time involved. And I even try to make
> that educational with the VTech computers that I bought them. The problem
> with the computers is that they can't do the stuff that they need to do.
We have a 2 1/2 hour drive one way. We have offered to meet them
half-way
every Friday and Sunday evenings and they take me up on that. Sometimes
I think they forget we are doing them a favor by driving half the trip,
but it works out well. I don't feel too bad when the father complains
about
the distance, he could always move.
> ***No, it is possible. I ask Tosh to write a summary of a book that she
> read. Every other word (or so) was mispelled. I have asked her to read to me
> or her dad and she just can't. And she gets so frustrated trying. And Travis
> honestly didn't know the stuff that we needed to teach him. My worse thought
> through all the teaching things I have done with them is that if sonmething
> is done, these are going to grow up to be two angry adults. The stigma of
> being placed in special ed classes are not nice. And my biggest fear is they
> won't let Tosh out of the one that she is in. And soon Travis will be stuck
> in one. (It was done, so the mother could get SSI for Tosh). They have been
> told that they are stupid for so long that they believe it. Travis calls
> himself "stupid" 2 or 3 times a day.
> Sharyn
We've been through the SSI business. I would not accept it if they
literally
stuck it in my back pocket. That SSI needs to be there for the people
who
really need it, there are kids with much, much greater problems out
there
than simply having trouble reading. We've avoided the whole ADD trend
too,
I could not imagine voluntarily putting a child on drugs.
-Dean
Sharyn
custody hearing date, and there is no way we can hire an attorney and be
prepared that quickly. There just isn't a way.
Sharyn
--
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
----Author Unknown
Dean Barker wrote in message <35B371...@cray.com>...
>Sharyn wrote:
>>
>> ***Karl and I live a state away from his kids. We have a 4 1/2 hour drive
>> one way, so you can see the travel time involved. And I even try to make
>> that educational with the VTech computers that I bought them. The problem
>> with the computers is that they can't do the stuff that they need to do.
>
>We have a 2 1/2 hour drive one way. We have offered to meet them
>half-way
>every Friday and Sunday evenings and they take me up on that. Sometimes
>I think they forget we are doing them a favor by driving half the trip,
>but it works out well. I don't feel too bad when the father complains
>about
>the distance, he could always move.
>
>
>> ***No, it is possible. I ask Tosh to write a summary of a book that she
>> read. Every other word (or so) was mispelled. I have asked her to read to
me
>> or her dad and she just can't. And she gets so frustrated trying. And
Travis
>> honestly didn't know the stuff that we needed to teach him. My worse
thought
>> through all the teaching things I have done with them is that if
sonmething
>> is done, these are going to grow up to be two angry adults. The stigma of
>> being placed in special ed classes are not nice. And my biggest fear is
they
>> won't let Tosh out of the one that she is in. And soon Travis will be
stuck
>> in one. (It was done, so the mother could get SSI for Tosh). They have
been
>> told that they are stupid for so long that they believe it. Travis calls
>> himself "stupid" 2 or 3 times a day.
>> Sharyn
>
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
"Sharyn" <karl...@gte.net> wrote:
> It doesn't seem to be going to get any better. Today I found out the final
> custody hearing date, and there is no way we can hire an attorney and be
> prepared that quickly. There just isn't a way.
Ouch! Oooh...I'm sorry, Sharyn! That's so not fair...I know how hard you've
been working with those kids and it sounds like you and your husband are
what's best for you.
Please give it the best shot you can...spiffy lawyers and miles of
documentation aren't everything. You have love and compassion and support
and genuine interest in the children behind you. I'll be hoping for the very
best for you and Karl.
lil
PS - So when's this hearing date?
jac...@myriad.net
> My fiance's ex-wife tried to keep him from getting involved in his son's
> education. She even went as far as asking the school not to give him
> ANY information regarding their son. The school told her that as his
> Father, my fiance had a right to know how his son was doing in school,
> he had a right to know what school activities were going on, etc. Thank
> God for a school who believes in what's best for the child. If you have
> joint legal custody - you have every right to anything that is going on
> in school that involves your child!
If it is spelled out in your decree or agreement, the school is required to
honor it. We had to fax them a copy of my DH's decree to get the records
from SS's many schools, but we got them. Biomom tried to dissuade DH from
pursuing it (as I expected she might, the boy missed over 1/2 the school year
last year for no appropriate reason), and even went so far as to say that the
teacher was "rolling her eyes," when she discussed DH's many calls, but to no
avail. The teacher flat-out denied that she "rolled her eyes" and commented
that it was nice to have a ncp parent who wanted to be involved in his
child's education. Even hinted that it would be nice to have biomom involved
in her child's education, tee hee!
Lisa
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