Call her on her behavior?
janelaw
Kim Scheinberg wrote:
>
> Some days...
>
> We have both kids for a week (as part of our three weeks during the summer
> custody) prior to and including Father's Day
>
> Now, SD has real issues with me and dad. When she graduated from Sunday
> School, she was to read a paper she'd written. She called her dad two days
> before and reminded him of it, quickly adding, "I don't want Kim there."
>
> A long discussion ensues during which dad tells her that such demands (not
> requests, but demands) are not really appropriate. He asks, at the end of
> this convo, "Do you want us there or not?" She again repeats that she
> doesn't want *me* there. Dad doesn't go
>
> Dad gets a letter from mom's lawyer about how upset SD was and how it's
> inappropriate for dad to choose me over her
>
> Some weeks later, there is a ballet recital. I bow out of my own accord.
> In the car en route to the recital, SD asks, "Where's Kim? How come she
> isn't coming?" Dad reminds her of the Sunday School incident
>
> So, both kids come for the week. On Father's Day, I happen to be working
> from 8-6. Son (who is migrating from 70-30 to 50-50 custody at his
> insistence) elects to spend the day with friends at an amusement park.
> He's there til 9PM. SD spends day with friends. Now it's 5:30, and dad
> tells SD he's going to meet me for coffee after work. SD *now* asks,
> "Aren't you going to have dinner with me and SS?" Dad says we (he and I)
> aren't going to eat, but he's not particularly feeling well in any case
> and will probably skip dinner
>
> We get home at 7. SD has eaten by now. Seems upset at something
>
> Yesterday, another letter from mom's lawyer.
>
> There's also an ongoing problems between the children and Kim. While I
> know this is a difficult issue for John, SD was most disappointed that
> John didn't want to spend FD with them. Apparently, SD said that he
> didn't feel well and wasn't going to go out to eat with them. However,
> he was willing to go out and eat with Kim, but he wasn't going to eat.
> Needless to say, the children are beginning to doubt his sincerity and
> their relationship with him. SD has made numberous requests that the
> children and their dad have a special time together...
>
> Now, maybe I'm projecting (because I did this quite a bit to *my* dad,
> too, after the divorce -- declining all his offers of time, only to get
> offended when I'd ask him at the last minute to cancel plans he'd made
> with someone else so that he could spend time with me and he refused), but
> I think it's wrong to let her get away with this nonsense
>
> First, she's complaining to her mom, not to dad. Second, mom is telling
> her lawyer to write letters, instead of telling SD to talk to dad directly
>
> But worst of all, SD is just being, in my eyes, manipulative and looking
> to make dad out to be a villian. I was out of the house by 7AM on Father's
> Day. SD had all day to spend with him. They could have gone out to
> breakfast (as we all often do) alone. They could have had lunch. She could
> have asked him, first thing in the AM, about having dinner. But that's not
> how it went. It wasn't until he was walking out the door to come see me
> that she wanted to know why he wasn't having dinner with *them* (them,
> while SS was at an amusement park for the day, of his own accord,
> completely indifferent to Father's Day?)
>
> Dad is tired of this behavior (and of course it's too reminiscent of his
> ex-wife's actions) and just wants to shrug it off and let her skip her
> next visitation if she chooses (as she did after he skipped her Sunday
> School thing). He's tired of the no-win situations she's always putting
> him/us in
>
> Me, I feel sorry for her. But I'm also angry. And I'm trying to mitigate
> my anger with empathy and the need to do what's best. I think dad should
> call her on her behavior. Point out that she's just trying to be a victim,
> that she had all day to spend with him and opted to be with her friends,
> coming back to him only when it would keep him from me. This isn't the
> first time she's being very selective about what she remembers (in fact
> this is a big pattern of hers). But maybe that's too harsh, too. She's 15
> next month. I'm out of common sense on all this
>
> Advice welcome
>
> -k.
I think your husband has the right idea. He explained that
excluding you from family functions is inappropriate and that SD
cannot choose to include or exclude you at her whim. He made
himself available for his children on father's day. When SD
tries to keep him from seeing you, he sees you anyway. Now he
wants to let SD choose to spend time with him rather than
forcing her to. This all sounds good to me.
I don't think direct confrontation is always necessary. All of
you know that SD is jealous of you, that she is trying to
interfere in your relationship, that she is trying to make her
father feel guilty, and that BM is resentful of his new
marriage. It sounds to me as tho DH is just opting to be the
adult. Take the lawyer's letters with a grain of salt. IMVE,
attorneys despise writing those letters and bill accordingly.
You may be a little too close to the situation. SD's actions
remind you of the rotten stuff you did as a teen. You see how
unfair this is to DH. You want to call her on this because you
wish you hadn't done it yourself. BTW, how did things work out
with you and your father?
Merrie
Just because an attorney writes something doesn't mean it's a concern
that you must comply with. Addressing inappropriate concerns is, well,
inappropriate. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that this attorney is thinking
that this is a bunch of doo.
This is another situation where one parent is trying to parent at the
other house. In this case it's biomom trying to control the
relationships at Dad's.
This idea that "kids" get to have their bio-parent to themselves is
counter to building a healthy blended family. I feel that the marriage
comes first and I've posted the reasons for this several times, and I'll
e-mail them to you if you wish.
Dad needs to direct this conversation to his children. He needs to
tell them "Kim is my wife and that makes her your step-mother and we are
a family. We do not leave a member of the family at home, including
future not yet born family members, unless the activity is age
inappropriate for them or some other legitimate reason. Not because one
of you simply desires to not have another attend." To the biomom Dad
needs to tell her that she cannot parent at his house or control the
relationships at his house.
These kids need to recognize that they have a step-mom which means
another member of their family - another person to love them.
Hopefully.
Best wishes. Merrie
Sue Saber
I also agree that the sd should not be aloud to be disrespectful about
choices. BuT I do agree that maybe your dh should have spent timewith the
kids on fathers day. You were lucky enough to get them for that day. Some
dads are not that lucky
ssa...@together.net
Vicki Robinson
In a previous article, janelaw <jan...@excite.com> said:
>You must have missed the original post. DH spent the entire day
>home with SD, SS went to an amusement park, SM worked. DH met
>SM for coffee after work for an hour or so, and SD flipped.
>
Even worse. *Both* SS and SD spent the day out of the house, while DH
stayed home and SM worked. When DH, after having given the kids the
entire day to spend with him, which opportunity they declined, wanted
to spend some evening time with SM, SD got bent out of shape.
--
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peg boucher murphy
Vicki Robinson <vjr...@canoe.xcski.com> wrote:
>In a previous article, janelaw <jan...@excite.com> said:
>>You must have missed the original post. DH spent the entire day
>>home with SD, SS went to an amusement park, SM worked. DH met
>>SM for coffee after work for an hour or so, and SD flipped.
>
>Even worse. *Both* SS and SD spent the day out of the house, while DH
>stayed home and SM worked. When DH, after having given the kids the
>entire day to spend with him, which opportunity they declined, wanted
>to spend some evening time with SM, SD got bent out of shape.
i almost entirely agree here. the only caveat i would make is that, imho,
(and this is *completely* my opinion), it is inappropriate for any parents
to make plans on mother's day or father's day that don't include kids.
<sigh>
it can happen that the kids can plan surprises or something, in which
case they would be acting nonchalant, or like they forgot. (hey, we can
always hope!) i am not suggesting that that was what was going on in
the original post -- far from it.
but i compare parents planning "no kids time" on mother's/father's day
as pretty much the same as families *not* letting the couple have "no
kids time" on their anniversary.
imho, ymmv, etc.
peg
-who does really feel for the original poster, but just wanted to
interject this...
Merrie
what the child *thinks* the parent wants to hear. Often the child's
story and tone will change depending on which parent they are standing
next to. Even when they are speaking on the phone to one parent, it's
the one in the room with them that they are trying to woo. Sometimes,
they just want to be liked so badly.
Merrie
> Remember one thing....when they talk at times they reflect their
> mother's attitude and not their own becuase this is what they are use
> to. I have reminded myself of this on several occassions especially
> when you can see the thoughts are irrational and imature.
>
> Good luck and hang in there
>
> Pattie