SD and my 6month old dtr
Jage Kelmli
I have a 5 yo SS and an 11 mo BD. I was also *very* worried about this. It
is extremely important to me that BD call me mom. One of the things we have
done to make this easier is to refer to SS's BM as 'mommy Lisa' so BD won't
get confused about what 'mommy' means. So far, she has a vocabulary of about
10 words, and mom-mom is one of her favorites (right up there with dad-day).
Once, I was sure she tried to say my first name, but I just remained neutral.
When she says mom-mom, I get excited and hug her and hold her. I don;t know
how this will be in the future, but this is what I'm trying to do to address
my concerns.
jage
Tracey
Okay, let's see if I can say this and not make anyone feel as if I'm blowing
off their feelings. I'm *not*. But, children calling their parents by their
first
names is a fairly common thing. I don't think it has much of anything to do
with whether there are stepchildren involved, it's just something that *happens*
when they finally realize that 'Mommy' is also named 'Tracey'. Our daughter
(4yo) is trying her hardest to figure things out. Almost every night at dinner,
we get the 'Daddy, are you a boy?' or 'Momma, are you Sean's Momma,
too?' Or we just get a list 'You are Sean's Daddy, you are Sean's Momma,
you are my brother and I'm Sean's sister.'
Sure, we want our kids to call us 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' (well, at least
*most* of us do, right, jane? <grin>), but if we try and understand that
it's a normal thing for children to figure out relationships and names and
that they probably *will* call us by our first names at some point or
another and not take it personally or think that that means our kids
will not be as bonded with us, it might help.
Tracey
--
In dog years.....I'd be dead.
jane lawrence
>
>
> Sure, we want our kids to call us 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' (well, at least
> *most* of us do, right, jane? <grin>), but if we try and understand that
> it's a normal thing for children to figure out relationships and names and
> that they probably *will* call us by our first names at some point or
> another and not take it personally or think that that means our kids
> will not be as bonded with us, it might help.
I've been thinking. In my mind, there is absolutely no
correlation between the bond and the title. None whatsoever.
Zip, zero, nada. When I asked BD yesterday if she knew what she
called me, she said "'Mom' or 'Mommy.'" When I asked her what I
wanted her to call me, she said, "I have no idea." I think
that's because I have no preference.
I'm completely missing the appeal of being called "Mommy." Is it
like a badge of honor? Is it associated with pride in being a
parent? Or like a professional title? I've never understood
why people choose to be called "doctor" socially either, but
that's neither here nor there. I get the feeling there are warm
fuzzies attached. Do you think I don't get it because BD never
called me "Mommy" in her first years? Hearing "Mommy" doesn't
bring me back to those baby days.
Are you saying that people feel some threat if their kids don't
call them "Mommy?" Do you think that people feel the child
won't bond? Is this a step thing? Is it an issue with BMs from
intact families? I swear, I have never once heard this issue
come up outside this news group. And you're right, all kids
seem to grapple with the Mommy/first name discrepancy at some
point. I think it's most obvious with first children. Do you
think it doesn't come up because people don't see the threat
unless they are in a step situation? Do you think that
coparenting makes it a turf question? Is this a reflection of
some insecurity people have when other female adults enter the
parenting system?
The closest I can get to this is that I would flip if BD called
SD "Mommy."
jane
Vicki Robinson
In a previous article, jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> said:
>I'm completely missing the appeal of being called "Mommy." Is it
>like a badge of honor? Is it associated with pride in being a
>parent? Or like a professional title? I've never understood
>why people choose to be called "doctor" socially either, but
>that's neither here nor there. I get the feeling there are warm
>fuzzies attached. Do you think I don't get it because BD never
>called me "Mommy" in her first years? Hearing "Mommy" doesn't
>bring me back to those baby days.
>
I have no idea why it's so important to me, except that it was part of the
whole package of why having kids was so important to me, and I haven't
figured that out yet, either. But it's important the same way that it's
important that my husband calls me "Honey" and doesn't call anyone else that.
It's a shorthand for "we have something special and the fact that I use a
diminutive or exclusive nickname for you is an indication of that unique
intimacy. I don't share that intimacy with anyone else, and I don't call
anyone else that name." If my kids called someone else "mom" it would mean
in some sense that they feel the same depth and strength bond with that
person as they feel with me. That would hurt a lot, because I think my kids
and I have something beyond what other human relationships are. I
consciously created my kids, and I have nurtured and taught them for many
years. Their very lives depended on me for some time, and I'm their
principle guide to the taking over of their own lives. Lots of other people
have had a hand in this nurturance, too, of course, important roles that were
and are vital to my daughters' development as complete human beings. But I'm
Mom. Babies start out assuming that their moms are actual physical parts of
them, and moms start out with their babies being physically enclosed in their
bodies. That title "mommy" pegs that for me somehow.
These are my own feelings about my own biokids, by the way, and I am not
presuming at all to dictate what adoptive parents should or do feel, or to
cast second-class status on step-parents who love their children as their
own. My experience is that I don't love my stepkids as my own, and that's
fine, since their own parents do. I'd like to read other people's
perceptions here, since this is *such* a personal thing. But please don't
frame them as a rebuttal. I'm not intending in any way to insist that a
biological bond is necessary to have the "mom" feeling.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
lilblakdog
news:38590B5E...@mediaone.net...
> Sure, we want our kids to call us 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' (well, at least
> *most* of us do, right, jane? <grin>), but if we try and understand that
> it's a normal thing for children to figure out relationships and names and
> that they probably *will* call us by our first names at some point or
> another and not take it personally or think that that means our kids
> will not be as bonded with us, it might help.
This just reminded me of something very funny (well, my brothers thought it
was funny) in my relationship with my mother.
Disclaimer: My mother is very open and has always wanted us to speak our
mind about everything. Her feelings don't hurt very easily because she
knows that we love her and respect her in our own way, which is different
from the way that she would or does but not wrong. Since becoming adults,
she's treated us as equals. So...
I think I was turning eighteen and I said to my mother, "See...now I'm an
adult and I can start calling you Diane like everybody else.
My mother said, in her sternest voice, "You will not...you'll call me just
what you've always called me."
I just looked at her, cocked an eyebrow and said, "Alright, Bitch."
My brothers were in the next room and just howled with laughter. So did my
mom!
lil
--
Who is at fault when a monster is a monster? Is it the monster? Or the
person who created it to be a monster?
Tracey
know the answers to them <grin>.
>Are you saying that people feel some threat if their kids don't
>call them "Mommy?"
Well, we've had two or three or more posters here recently
that have voiced their feelings and it *seems* like they're
threatened in some way. *I've* never felt that way myself.
But, I've never had either of my kids call anyone else 'Mom'
or 'Mommy' either. But something happened when our son
was about 2, I guess. If you remember, DH and I didn't
marry until our son was 7 and I was a single parent for those
years. Our son started calling a guy I worked with 'Daddy'
because he went to the same daycare provider as this guy's
daughter and every day he saw her run to him yelling 'Daddy!
Daddy!' So, he started. (Got some pretty strange looks at
the command picnics and parties, too, with my son running
up to my chief yelling 'Daddy!!!') I didn't even *think* about
it and told my not-then-husband about it and there was just
silence on the phone. He's said since then that that *really*
bothered him.
>Do you think that people feel the child won't bond?
I'm not sure what the feelings actually are, but there have been
enough posts about it lately that people are feeling *something*.
>Is this a step thing?
Could be.
>Is it an issue with BMs from intact families?
I don't know. I've always just thought it was cute and
never assigned any deeper, darker meaning to it.
>I swear, I have never once heard this issue come up
>outside this news group. And you're right, all kids seem
>to grapple with the Mommy/first name discrepancy at some
>point. I think it's most obvious with first children. Do you
>think it doesn't come up because people don't see the threat
>unless they are in a step situation?
Probably. How many times has someone posted about some-
thing that they felt was a 'step' issue and other people look at
it and say 'Well, you know, that's actually just a normal <insert
age group> thing.' I think a lot of times all of us take things
personally or assign deeper meanings to things when they're
just a function of normal growing pains. But, I also think that
it sometimes goes the other way. Sometimes people might not
see that there's a real problem and slough it off as 'normal'.
>Do you think that coparenting makes it a turf question?
I just thought of something. Maybe it's more of a 'recognition'
thing. How many posts have we seen on this group about
stepparents who have a problem with bioparents that are not
actually parenting but *still* get the 'glory' of parenting? They're
still called 'Mom/Dad', still the first one to be told the good news,
always being given slack when they disappoint the kids? Maybe
it's partly a need to have *someone* recognize that they ARE
the 'Mom/Dad'.
>Is this a reflection of some insecurity people have when other
>female adults enter the parenting system?
Maybe.
I think that it could be all or part or none of what you've asked
about. I think Vicki's post also makes a good point. I've never
really thought about it much and don't remember it ever bothering
me.
Tracey
LOL! Reminds me of that comedian and the skit where the catchphrase
is 'On the inside.......'
--
Tracey
--
Message from 2999:
Save the rainforests! The ape overlords tell
us the best bananas come from there.
--SciFi Channel--
Nicole {Freezing in Wisconsin}
*grin*
My SK's call me Nicole. But when I am with their father and they're
talking about Brian and I, they refer to us as their parents. I may
not have given birth, but I am a "parent" to both my SSs. :)
Does it matter what they call me? Nope. It's the feelings that matter.
And I've been trying really hard to improve my relationship with the
oldest SS. My new year's resolution, in fact, is to improve it more.
To be more open to him.
I'm losing my train of thought. :)
Nicole
I have gone looking for myself. If I return before I come back, please let me know I'm looking for myself.
My homepage: http://www.fastbytes.com/users/cinirb/
jane lawrence
> what you've always called me."
>
Lil, you're on a roll here. You made me LOL.
jane
merrie
didn't call her mom.
It's the only socially acceptable title she can lay claim to.
Merrie
jane lawrence wrote in message <38591544...@excite.com>...
>Tracey wrote:
>>
>>
>> Sure, we want our kids to call us 'Mommy' or 'Daddy' (well, at least
>> *most* of us do, right, jane? <grin>), but if we try and understand that
>> it's a normal thing for children to figure out relationships and names
and
>> that they probably *will* call us by our first names at some point or
>> another and not take it personally or think that that means our kids
>> will not be as bonded with us, it might help.
>
>I've been thinking. In my mind, there is absolutely no
>correlation between the bond and the title. None whatsoever.
>Zip, zero, nada. When I asked BD yesterday if she knew what she
>called me, she said "'Mom' or 'Mommy.'" When I asked her what I
>wanted her to call me, she said, "I have no idea." I think
>that's because I have no preference.
>
>I'm completely missing the appeal of being called "Mommy." Is it
>like a badge of honor? Is it associated with pride in being a
>parent? Or like a professional title? I've never understood
>why people choose to be called "doctor" socially either, but
>that's neither here nor there. I get the feeling there are warm
>fuzzies attached. Do you think I don't get it because BD never
>called me "Mommy" in her first years? Hearing "Mommy" doesn't
>bring me back to those baby days.
>
>Are you saying that people feel some threat if their kids don't
>call them "Mommy?" Do you think that people feel the child
>won't bond? Is this a step thing? Is it an issue with BMs from
>intact families? I swear, I have never once heard this issue
>come up outside this news group. And you're right, all kids
>seem to grapple with the Mommy/first name discrepancy at some
>point. I think it's most obvious with first children. Do you
>think it doesn't come up because people don't see the threat
>unless they are in a step situation? Do you think that
>coparenting makes it a turf question? Is this a reflection of
>some insecurity people have when other female adults enter the
>parenting system?
>
Melissa Torresan
wrote:
>>Once, I was sure she tried to say my first name, but I just remained neutral.
>
>Okay, let's see if I can say this and not make anyone feel as if I'm blowing
>off their feelings. I'm *not*. But, children calling their parents by their
>first
>names is a fairly common thing. I don't think it has much of anything to do
>with whether there are stepchildren involved, it's just something that *happens*
That's 100% right, Tracey. Not only that, but other kids who are
related to you will do the same thing also. I've been "Auntie" for
four years, and all of a sudden, I'm not anymore. I'm now called by my
first name instead. The way he says it is really cute - kind of like
Forrest Gump, but.. you know.. I want to be just auntie again. All the
other Aunties were "Auntie Rachel" or "Auntie Kylie" and I was the
only one who was just "Auntie"
Mel
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley!"
---------------------------------------------------
Kevin
Kevin
--
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.