DH's new live-in
Cathy Cameron
They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is
a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't
do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I
believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my
relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get
married, that will not change.
Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
va...@tdi.net
stepmother to be - some sort of pet name. I don't know how your
daughter feels about the woman, but I'm sure she can come up with a nice
name (that will make her father happy). A friend of mine used to be
called "honey" by her bf's son. I thought that was cute.
janelaw
>
> My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
> They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
> came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
> girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
> want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is
> a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't
> do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I
> believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my
> relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get
> married, that will not change.
> Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
Does it say anything in your divorce decree? Sometimes there is
a clause that says that the terms "mother, father, mommy,
daddy..." etc. are reserved for the biological parents of the
child.
If not, just make sure your daughter knows that she does not
have to choose between you. I assume you are above this
pettiness and couldn't care less about BD's machinations except
as they affect the kids. Reassure her that whatever she calls
SM isn't going to affect your relationship with her.
Also, I would tell her not to worry about it too much now. A
lot can happen between now and April. She should be
establishing a good relationship with FSM. Hopefully, the woman
will be kind and reasonable, and your daughter will be able to
discuss this matter directly with her before the wedding.
BTW, is your ex a complete idiot? I can't imagine many things
more likely to set your daughter against FSM than telling her
that she will have to call her "Mom."
Jeanette Cameron
Cathy Cameron wrote:
> My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
> They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
> came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
> girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
> want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is
> a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't
> do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I
> believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my
> relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get
> married, that will not change.
> Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
I feel that what the child wants to call the stepparent is something the child
should decide. I met my stepdaughter in 1994. In 1995 I married her
father. When we got married, my husband asked his daughter what did she want
to call me. She said Mommy Jeanette. The mother has had problems with this
and has repeatedly told my stepdaughter to call me by my first name. Everytime
the mother brings this issue to the child, the child brings it to us. My
husband explains to her that she can call me by my first name and we will not
be upset. My stepdaughter always replies that she would like to call me Mommy
Jeanette.
We never told my stepdaughter what to call me. Mommy Jeanette is a name she
apparently was comfortable with. When she stays with us for her summer
visitations, sometimes she calls me just mommy when she is with her friends.
She has even told me that I reminded her of her mother which I took as a
compliment and as an insult.
Andrew&Posey
at the hands of a totalitarian, but she has to call her step-mum "mom"?
That's absurd. She's not her mother, so why would your ex make her call her
that? (Rhetorical question...)
I would suggest that for now, she simply avoids calling her anything... it's
very cruel of your ex to make this demand of her... I wonder if he's going
to ask his new wife to refer to her as "her daughter?"
This is an absurd situation, and I would suggest that you intervene on
behalf of your daughter. Your ex needs to be "called" on this, I think!
Posey
Tracey
Yes, but I don't think any of it will help much. In a perfect
world, your daughter would call her soon-to-be-step-mother what
she wanted to call her (well, within reason <grin>) and all in-
volved would accept that without a fuss. But, it doesn't sound
like that's what's going to happen.
Your daughter is eight, and that's a little young (maybe, maybe
not) to have the strength to confront her father on this issue.
And if *you* get involved in it, it's just going to seem like
it's an issue for *you* and not for *her*.
So, honestly, I don't have the foggiest as to what to tell your
daughter except to support *her* decision as to how to handle it.
Tracey
janelaw
>
> My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
> They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
> came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
> girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
> want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name.
> Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
I just thought of something else. I never think of myself as my
SD's mother, and it always startles me when she calls me "mom."
My daughter, however, has never had any problem calling other
women "mommy" or referring to them as "my other mother." Not
just my ex's SO's, either. It's like a game with her when she
is visiting someone else. It's a sign of affection.
OTOH, I have never heard her call DH, or any other man,
"daddy."
I believe that this is because she has always lived with me,
whereas she has never spent as much time with her father. It is
as though the "father" relationship has to be protected. She
can't afford to slip and call anyone else "daddy," because BD
might start to slip away.
My point is that this might not be upsetting your daughter just
because a) BD is pushing her around, b) she doesn't feel like
STBSM fits the title, or c) she is afraid that she will upset
you. Maybe she feels threatened that her dad will try to take
her away from you once they get married. Maybe she feels like
BD is trying to replace you with STBSM in her life as well as in
his. Poor thing. At least she can talk to you about it.
The more I think about this, the more steamed I get at your ex.
He is putting both your child and his gf in an impossible
situation. If he had just left it alone, things could have
worked themselves out gradually. I bet he is doing this to piss
you off.
nancy g.
> Cathy Cameron wrote:
>> My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
>> They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
>> came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
>> girlfriend "mom" when they got married.
You know, I don't know the child or any of the parents involved,
of course, but I do have an eight-year-old daughter of my own, as well
as an almost-nine-year-old almost-stepdaughter, and I can say with
some authority that *both* of these girls would be more than capable
of telling me that the other bio parent had said such a thing -- when
in truth, no such thing had ever been said.
It could have been that bio Dad was trying to sound her out about what
she would prefer to call her new stepmom, and perhaps in the context of
that conversation, Dad might have said something like "If you want to
call her Mom, that would be very nice, and it would make us happy."
On the other hand, my daughter has been known to ask questions in the form
of a statement (grin) ... in other words, if she *REALLY* wanted to ask me
"Mommy, do I have to call my new stepmom 'Mommy' too?" she would instead
say "You know, I'm going to have to start calling Susan 'Mommy' when she
and Daddy get married" ... and then she'd look at me to gauge my reaction.
Although I do have to admit, judging from the paragraph below, it doesn't
seem as if one of those innocent explanations would be the right one.
(sigh ...)
>> My daughter is upset, but doesn't
>> want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is
>> a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't
>> do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough.
>> I believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my
>> relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get
>> married, that will not change.
>> Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
Unfortunately, and although it may be hard, I think you need to tell her
that you don't have the authority to change this, and that when she's in
Dad's house, Dad's rules are the ones she follows. We all have to do this,
and I don't think there's very many of us that like it at all. However,
I can't see it doing anything but harm if you try to change the situation.
> If not, just make sure your daughter knows that she does not
> have to choose between you. I assume you are above this
> pettiness and couldn't care less about BD's machinations except
> as they affect the kids. Reassure her that whatever she calls
> SM isn't going to affect your relationship with her.
Absolutely. This is the key point that needs to be stressed ... that it
is not what you *call* somebody that matters, but how you feel about them
in your heart, and how they feel about you. She could call Dad's new
wife 'Mom' or 'Mommy' or 'Hey You' but *you* would still love her every
bit as much as you always have.
> Also, I would tell her not to worry about it too much now.
> A lot can happen between now and April. She should be
> establishing a good relationship with FSM. Hopefully, the woman
> will be kind and reasonable, and your daughter will be able to
> discuss this matter directly with her before the wedding.
Yep. I agree with this too. I'd also make sure that your daughter does
understand that if she decides at some point that she *wants* to call her
new stepmom 'Mom" that this would be OK too. (I'm assuming it would be!)
We've started talking about this with our kids, in preparation for the
day (still quite some time away, unfortunately) when we do blend our
two families. My little one is *quite* content with the idea of having
TWO dads instead of just one, and already occasionally slips and calls my
S.O. 'Daddy' when she's talking to him. (We hope she doesn't do this in
front of my ex, who would probably NOT be too pleased ...) His daughter,
on the other hand, has already informed him that she can't possibly call me
'Mom', since she already HAS a Mom, and we've told her that's fine too.
He did explain, a little later, that although I wasn't HER Mom, I was going
to be *THE* Mom in our home, and that even though she didn't need to call me
by that name, I would still have all the Power (grin) that goes along with
the official title.
Nancy G.
whose daughter also asked me the other day,
"Mom, if you and Daddy got married to each other again,
would that make him my Dad *and* my stepdad?"
Sigh. I hate those darn "Parent Trap" commercials!!!
> BTW, is your ex a complete idiot?
Well, aren't they ALL ??? (grin)
lilbl...@my-dejanews.com
"Cathy Cameron" <cat...@csolve.net> wrote:
> My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
> They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
> came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
> girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
> want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name.
>
> ...
> Does anyone have any suggestions for what to say to my daughter?
OUCH!!! I think the prospective stepmother should step in and say, "Please
call me (fill in name here)." If my DH ever suggested that his son call me
mom, I'd sure correct that in a hurry!
Barring that, there's always my old standby. I have never been comfortable
calling my in-laws by their first name...I feel like I should call them mom
and dad, but the fact that I already have a mom and that they prefer first
names keeps me from doing it. So basically I just wait until they're looking
at me and then start talking. Or else start talking loud enough that they
have no choice but to look up!
lil
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Vicki Robinson
>You know, I don't know the child or any of the parents involved,
>of course, but I do have an eight-year-old daughter of my own, as well
>as an almost-nine-year-old almost-stepdaughter, and I can say with
>some authority that *both* of these girls would be more than capable
>of telling me that the other bio parent had said such a thing -- when
>in truth, no such thing had ever been said.
>
This is quite true. My older step-daughter is an inveterate
bender-of-the-truth, shall we say. After our wedding, her mother called my
husband to say that I had apparently told the kids to call me "Mommy."
Luckily my husband had been present for the conversation that had generated
this comment; the kids asked if they should call me "Mommy" and I had told
them that they should call me whatever felt comfortable, but I thought that
"Vicki" was the best choice. Biomom wanted to know why SD would lie; if we
knew the answer to that question, we'd solve a lot of problems. This child's
preferred method of getting attention is to misbehave, and she's been this
way for years. We all know it, we cope and we never ever believe anything
she says that isn't immediately verifiable. (You've heard of grains of salt?
We have those big salt licks that cattle use.) I had also mentioned that
perhaps when they were in high school (they're 9 and 10 now) they could come
and live with us for a year to go to school here. That turned into "Vicki
wants us to live with them and go to school in New York." But for some
reason that generated very little hoohaa; I guess biomom realized that we
weren't about to yank the kids away from their mother and their home, and
hauled out her own salt lick.
Personally, to the original poster, I would say that since the biodad is
manipulative and we're talking about a young child who cannot be expected to
stand up to her dad, it would be best to simply say "It doesn't matter to me
what you call Stepmom; I'm your mom, I will always love you, and if Daddy
wants you to call Stepmom "Mommy," it won't hurt me because I'm still your
mom. And if it helps you to become friends with Stepmom, that's a good thing
too." Whatever happens, please don't let this get in the way of your
daughter forming a good and affectionate relationship with her stepmom. It's
good for *everyone* when that happens.
Vicki
--
Vicki Robinson
<blink><a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/binky.html">BINKY!</a></blink>
Visit my home page at <a href="http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts"> Vicki's Home Page
</a> and sign my guest book. Millions have!
carol koponen
call me something but it didn't need to be mom. She did decide that mom
was best.
However, you may want to suggest some names your daughter can bring to
her dad. DON'T you do it for her!!
Be creative and postive. Look for things that remind your daughter of
the intended. Or it could be something silly like Duck, Nanny,
Step-Monster... get the poing.
Perhaps your daughter should discuss this with the step mom to be...she
may not want to be called mom and she may have further suggestions. (it
would be a nice start for the two , honest conversation.)
Good luck to her,
carol
AndrewZ+Ange
but says he has 2 dads much to the dislike of his bio dad.
We don't ask him to call my fiance anything other than his first name
and nor will. We will leave it up to him to decide when and if he'll
be comfortable in calling him dad. Although sometimes after weekends
with his dad he does come back and when talking to fiance he slips and
says dad thinking he is still with dad and they just both giggle.
Just let the child decide what is comfortable for them.
Ange
On Tue, 21 Jul 1998 13:51:47 GMT, "Cathy Cameron" <cat...@csolve.net>
wrote:
>My ex's girlfriend moved into his house with her two children last week.
>They are planning to get married next April. My daughter who is eight,
>came home and told me that her dad said she would have to call the
>girlfriend "mom" when they got married. My daughter is upset, but doesn't
>want to upset her dad by calling his girlfriend by her first name. Dad is
>a control freak, and has manipulated the kids to believe that if they don't
>do everything his believes, it is because they don't love him enough. I
>believe that the kids should call her what they call her now. In my
>relationship, they call my boyfriend by his first name, and when we get
>married, that will not change.