It's only just beginning
Didi Jakubowski
I am having mixed emotions, but I have been trying to deal with her presence
appropriately.
Yesterday was rough. DH had had a minor case of the stomach flu -- probably
from one of his patients -- Friday night. Yesterday morning I woke up with
the *worst* case of stomach flu I have had in a very long time. DH was
busily taking care of me and the baby, and suddenly SD starts vomiting, too.
Now, I understand that she was sick, but my frustration came in the fact
that she wouldn't even attempt to make it to the toilet. She would just
vomit wherever she was -- livingroom, familyroom, etc. She's 9 yrs old!!!
Even my 2 1/2 yr old nephew makes it to the toilet when he's sick. Then, DH
was angry b/c I insisted that she stay in her room. Afterall, we have 4
other children in the house that I was trying to keep from getting sick
also. In addition to the fact that when one of my children claims to be
sick, DH's first response is that they need to spend the day in their room,
away from the t.v. *I* stayed in my room, too, so I couldn't understand his
frustration except that he still seems to have a different set of rules for
his child than he does for mine.
Oh well, maybe I'm just cranky b/c I don't have anything in my stomach......
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
Lynne and Joe
off....
--
"Didi Jakubowski" <didi...@home.com> wrote in message
news:9ZGZ6.78226$Q9.19...@news1.elmhst1.il.home.com...
Karla
Didi Jakubowski wrote:
> In addition to the fact that when one of my children claims to be
> sick, DH's first response is that they need to spend the day in their room,
> away from the t.v. *I* stayed in my room, too, so I couldn't understand his
> frustration except that he still seems to have a different set of rules for
> his child than he does for mine.
Don't forget that he has a lot of mixed emotions too.
Just remind him gently that the rule is sick kid = stay their room, no
matter who it is rather than focus on the different set of rules for
SD. (Don't forget, the baby is his kid too ;) ) If he does the well,
the TV is in the day room... thing, say great, I'm sure all the kids
will be glad to hear that from now on when they're sick...
> Oh well, maybe I'm just cranky b/c I don't have anything in my stomach......
That may be a piece of it, but you know it's not all of it. Cheer up
sweetie, maybe the pod people will visit you next!
--
karla
I never expected there to be a blue light special on enlightenment -
Greg Brown
Geri and Brian
that is anything like the one that has been hitting the kids (and adults) out
here, several fun-filled days of diarrhea are next. :-)
~~~~~~~~
Geri ^ ^
> ' ' <
"Whistling women and cackling hens
always come to no good end."
~~~~~~~~~
chitcha...@webtv.net
First of all, I sure hope you all are feeling much better! The stomach
flu is awful! As usual, I'm going to be the child's advocate, so here
it goes...LOL I understand it would be frustrating having to clean up
vomit, especially when you are sick yourself. Perhaps your SD didn't
feel she had to puke until it was too late to get anywhere. Perhaps she
*could* have made it, but just felt so sick that she didn't even try.
Perhaps she was not only sick, but depressed as well (I remember being
sick with the flu a few times when I was little, and being away from
home - I was so homesick for my Mom's comforting I could hardly stand
it!) and therefore didn't have the energy or desire to get up and run
for the bathroom. I'm not saying she *shouldn't* have attempted to make
it to the bathroom, just offering many reasons why she didn't. As far
as your DH being upset upon your inistence of SD staying in her room -
perhaps if SD had been with you all a little longer, it wouldn't be such
a big deal, but maybe since she's only been with you a week, DH thinks
it would make SD feel alienated, perhaps make her feel worse than she
already does. Maybe she doesn't know that the rule in your home is when
you're sick you stay in room all day, and DH just thinks that since she
just got there, it would really hurt her and make her feel even lonlier
and even more out of place. Perhaps he realizes too that for her to be
sick with the flu and away from Mom makes it all the more worse and just
wants to baby her a little.
You can't fault him for that, can you?! :-)
Best of luck and God Bless!
Misty
Anne Robotti
chitcha...@webtv.net wrote:
> As far
> as your DH being upset upon your inistence of SD staying in her room -
> perhaps if SD had been with you all a little longer, it wouldn't be such
> a big deal, but maybe since she's only been with you a week, DH thinks
> it would make SD feel alienated, perhaps make her feel worse than she
> already does. Maybe she doesn't know that the rule in your home is when
> you're sick you stay in room all day, and DH just thinks that since she
> just got there, it would really hurt her and make her feel even lonlier
> and even more out of place. Perhaps he realizes too that for her to be
> sick with the flu and away from Mom makes it all the more worse and just
> wants to baby her a little.
> You can't fault him for that, can you?! :-)
Well, yeah, frankly you can.
There's always a "reason" why one child shouldn't have to obey the rules.
SD's only been here a week. Charlie's too little. Brooke doesn't like to be
in her room alone. It's a parenting problem when one child is allowed to
blow off the rules. If he thought she'd be lonely, what's wrong with having
her obey the rule and go to her room, but stay with her and read a book,
play a quiet board game, or talk to her?
Because the problem with "she's only been here x amount of time" is that
the child doesn't get into the routine of being in the family and the
adjustment
period is longer, not shorter.
Anne
Didi Jakubowski
> I hope you are all feeling better...not a very good way to start the
summer off....
Thanks -- I appreciate it. We are both finally feeling better today. I
hope that we can start over.
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
"Lynne and Joe" <lpaq...@together.net> wrote in message
news:R7KZ6.1570$T5.8...@nntp2.onemain.com...
Didi Jakubowski
> Don't forget that he has a lot of mixed emotions too.
I'm trying to remember that, but it gets difficult!
> Just remind him gently that the rule is sick kid = stay their room, no
matter who it is rather than focus on the different set of rules for SD.
Especially since it was *his* rule to begin with!! I guess that my reminder
was "snippy" -- probably was as I was feeling really, really yucky at the
time, and I don't want the other children to get this.
> That may be a piece of it, but you know it's not all of it. Cheer up
sweetie, maybe the pod people will visit you next!
Thanks, Karla -- I don't know what I'd do if those pod people showed up
here......
Didi Jakubowski
> Didi, I hate to be the bearer of more glad tidings, but if you have the
bug that is anything like the one that has been hitting the kids (and
adults) out here, several fun-filled days of diarrhea are next. :-)
Eeeeew! This was a really nasty bug, but I think that we are finally over
the worst of it. SD got really irritated with me yesterday as I wouldn't
let her in the swimming pool. I told her that neither I nor she could go
into the pool until we were symptom-free for 24 hours as I don't intend to
drain the pool after she vomits in it. Again, DH wasn't much support until
I reminded him that it just wasn't "healthy" for the rest of the kids -- in
addition to reminding him how much $$ it would cost to refill and sanitize a
30 ft. round swimming pool!
(You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear that it was rotavirus, but it
didn't have that familiar odor like roto.)
Didi Jakubowski
> First of all, I sure hope you all are feeling much better!
Thank you -- much better today!
>I understand it would be frustrating having to clean up vomit, especially
when you are sick yourself.
I made DH do it -- I was sick enough!
>Perhaps your SD didn't feel she had to puke until it was too late to get
anywhere. Perhaps she *could* have made it, but just felt so sick that she
didn't even try. Perhaps she was not only sick, but depressed as well (I
remember being sick with the flu a few times when I was little, and being
away from home - I was so homesick for my Mom's comforting I could hardly
stand it!) and therefore didn't have the energy or desire to get up and run
for the bathroom.
Perhaps all of those, but, without trying to sound insensitive, I think that
perhaps she was lazy and simply didn't care that she was throwing up all
over my cream colored carpeting. She did the same thing last year -- no
effort at all to even *try* to get to the bathroom...... maddening if you
ask me from a 9 yr old. <still cranky, I guess>
>As far as your DH being upset upon your inistence of SD staying in her
room - perhaps if SD had been with you all a little longer, it wouldn't be
such a big deal, but maybe since she's only been with you a week, DH thinks
it would make SD feel alienated, perhaps make her feel worse than she
already does.
This is a common theme for my DH and an issue we've been dealing with for
the last 3+ years -- the rules are meant for my children and not for his
daughter.
> You can't fault him for that, can you?! :-)
In order for us to make this blended family thing work, he has to be with
the same program as I am -- the statistics are waaaay against us making this
thing work already. One out of 5 children should not be able to bend,
break, and change the whole rules of a house.
Didi Jakubowski
> There's always a "reason" why one child shouldn't have to obey the rules.
> Because the problem with "she's only been here x amount of time" is that
the child doesn't get into the routine of being in the family and the
adjustment period is longer, not shorter.
I agree completely.
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@lightspeedcommunications.net> wrote in message
news:3B386AAB...@lightspeedcommunications.net...
>
>
> chitcha...@webtv.net wrote:
>
> > As far
> > as your DH being upset upon your inistence of SD staying in her room -
> > perhaps if SD had been with you all a little longer, it wouldn't be such
> > a big deal, but maybe since she's only been with you a week, DH thinks
> > it would make SD feel alienated, perhaps make her feel worse than she
> > already does. Maybe she doesn't know that the rule in your home is when
> > you're sick you stay in room all day, and DH just thinks that since she
> > just got there, it would really hurt her and make her feel even lonlier
> > and even more out of place. Perhaps he realizes too that for her to be
> > sick with the flu and away from Mom makes it all the more worse and just
> > wants to baby her a little.
> > You can't fault him for that, can you?! :-)
>
> Well, yeah, frankly you can.
>
> SD's only been here a week. Charlie's too little. Brooke doesn't like to
be
> in her room alone. It's a parenting problem when one child is allowed to
> blow off the rules. If he thought she'd be lonely, what's wrong with
having
> her obey the rule and go to her room, but stay with her and read a book,
> play a quiet board game, or talk to her?
>
>
> Anne
>
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: Tue, 26 Jun 2001 06:57:48 -0400
Yeah, but we make exceptions like that all the time. You know. Your SD can
probably go out without adult supervision even though Brooke and Charlie can't.
Soon she'll be able to drive the car or stay out after dark or whatever and
they won't.
Frankly, it seems a little punitive to me to make anyone stay in her room
without tv when she's sick, but you've got to admit it's different for SD than
it is for the other kids: she's just come from home; her mother's not there to
comfort her; it's not the room she's used to; this isn't the rule she's used
to.
So I understand the frustration about two sets of rules, but I'd really hate to
think of Lee in SD's position.
jane
Didi Jakubowski
> Frankly, it seems a little punitive to me to make anyone stay in her room
without tv when she's sick,
It's DH's rule to begin with, not mine. But in his mind, it pertains to my
kids, not his. In addition to the fact that for his daughter he took the
car tv/vcr and plugged it in so that she could watch videos -- something he
has never done for mine. Furthermore, when you consider practical infection
control, it makes perfect sense as there are 4 other children in the house
to consider, and with SD unable/unwilling to vomit in the toilet, it's not
worth the risk of spreading this bug around. I don't find that punitive at
all.
>she's just come from home; her mother's not there to comfort her;
Trust me, her dad more than made up for that fact.
> it's not the room she's used to
She's here quite a bit, so I don't think that that was the issue.
> this isn't the rule she's used to.
You might have me with that one b/c, quite frankly, SD isn't used to *any*
rules.
> So I understand the frustration about two sets of rules, but I'd really
hate to think of Lee in SD's position.
I'm not an ogre SM, and I didn't expect any treatment for her that DH
doesn't insist on with my children -- except that I guarantee that my
children can hit the toilet when they vomit!
Didi <who's feeling a bit defensive and apologizes in advance>
Anne Haas
>without tv when she's sick,
If she is contagious? If you had 5 kids, including an infant in your home and
you are sick yourself, do you REALLY want that child to infect all the others?
>So I understand the frustration about two sets of rules, but I'd really hate
>to
>think of Lee in SD's position.
>
So would I, but I agree with Didi on this. This is not just one child or two
children. This is FIVE and with a DH who works some bad hours. Ask our mutual
friend who has 5 about the same ages as Didi's. She was run ragged when 3 of
hers had the stomach flu last fall.
AnneH
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might
be the world."
Anne Haas
>feel she had to puke until it was too late to get anywhere
That's why our mother always gave us a pot of we had an upset stomach. We had
someplace to be ill into if we couldn't make it to the bathroom. Also made
cleanup much easier.
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: 26 Jun 2001 17:11:18 GMT
>
>
>
>>Frankly, it seems a little punitive to me to make anyone stay in her room
>>without tv when she's sick,
>
>If she is contagious? If you had 5 kids, including an infant in your home
>and
>you are sick yourself, do you REALLY want that child to infect all the
>others?
>
Well, no. When we were growing up the healthy ones went outside. And really
stomach flus are not the kind of thing that you get from being in the same
room.
But aside from that, there was more of an emphasis on doing whatever you could
to make the sick person less miserable. Since she couldn't go out like the
other kids, the sick one would get the tv, and the living room if she liked.
We always had stainless steel bowls to throw up in. Or if it was some
respiratory thing, the tv would go into the bedroom. If more than one was sick,
we'd be together in a little ward.
jane
whose kid has never once made it to the toilet
Melissa
>jane
>whose kid has never once made it to the toilet
>
I STILL can't. When I'm sick the garbage can goes everywhere I go. My body
give me next to no notice about these things, and what if somone is in the
bathroom? ACK!
Love,
Melissa
"Being a Grown up is a bitch sometimes."
-V. Robinson
Geri and Brian
I rarely catch stomach viruses, for some reason. Most of my nausea trouble
comes with motion (primarilly car) sickness, so I have lots of agonizing time
to prepare (and hope I don't hurl). The last time for me, however, was on an
excursion boat on a very choppy sea (already fortified with Dramamine, too).
Half the people on the ship were barfing so there was no chance of using the
bathroom. Fortunately, the people at the ship's bar had the foresight to bring
along lots of plastic bags for all of the potential upchuckers. I was not sure
if the nausea came from the waves or sitting around with a bunch of seasick
people, but fortunately I was able to get a barf bag in the nick of time. :-)
Anne Haas
>comes with motion (primarilly car) sickness, so I have lots of agonizing time
>to prepare (and hope I don't hurl).
At first, I was going to tell you how much I hate you because of that, but then
I read the second sentence and decided to call it even.
AnneH
(who would rather have a thousand paper cuts at once than nausea)
Geri and Brian
>then
>I read the second sentence and decided to call it even.
What makes it worse, as far as the motion sickness, 1) I love to take driving
trips, but I have to drive if I don't want the nausea to creep up on me and 2)
I love the ocean and especially going outside the breakwater on boats (even
though I can't swim worth a darn). The two don't combine very well with motion
sickness. :-(
chitcha...@webtv.net
I do understand your desire to stick to the house rules, however
exceptions to rules are in all areas of life and certainly should be
made in some cases. Perhaps you are right, perhaps DH is right, who
knows. I do know the situation, a little girl who just left her own
home and mother for the entire summer only to end up with a bad case of
flu - is not a situation I'd want to be in as an adult, let alone when I
was a kid. When situations such as these pop up, do you consider how
you'd feel about the situation or want the situation to be handled if it
were your biological children in the same situation? Hopefully you, as
well as all step parents do, but if not perhaps you should. Maybe it
would put a different light on the situation. Glad you all are feeling
better!
God Bless,
Misty
Didi Jakubowski
> I do understand your desire to stick to the house rules, however
exceptions to rules are in all areas of life and certainly should be made in
some cases.
I agree -- however, DH feels that exceptions should be made for his child
*only*. I don't agree with that.
>When situations such as these pop up, do you consider how you'd feel about
the situation or want the situation to be handled if it were your biological
children in the same situation?
The problem, as I see it, is that I consider this child *too* much -- above
and beyond my own children, and I get tired of it. There are ALWAYS special
circumstances for SD -- some necessary and some not so. I am tired of it.
Last night, SD woke up with a nightmare -- understandable with her prior
situation. DH spent 30+ minutes calming her, soothing her, getting her
drinks, etc. In the process, she woke up the baby in the next room over.
Dh actually yelled at a 12 month old baby, "Goddammit now, it's nightime --
go back to sleep!" Consequently, I got the sit up with a crying, hysterical
12 month old for over an hour until I could get her back to bed while SD and
DH snoozed. I'm TIRED of this.
>Glad you all are feeling better!
Actually, now the 12 yr. old has it, and the 7 yr. old has it. They were
vomiting all evening last night -- the 12 yr old was actually babysitting
for the neighbor across the street when she first got sick. She called my
crying b/c she threw up, lost her retainer, and she couldn't get the
neighbor's toilet to flush. Guess where the retainer was? Luckily the
neighbo was just trying to get outside work done on his house while his wife
was at work, so I ran over to get her and bring her home while he plunged
his toilet, reassuring my daughter that it was "o.k."
But, both my daughters were in their rooms -- no questions asked. Go
figure.
--
Didi <still defensive and brewing>
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
<chitcha...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:19731-3B3...@storefull-241.iap.bryant.webtv.net...
> Didi,
>
Perhaps you are right, perhaps DH is right, who
> knows. I do know the situation, a little girl who just left her own
> home and mother for the entire summer only to end up with a bad case of
> flu - is not a situation I'd want to be in as an adult, let alone when I
> was a kid. Hopefully you, as
> well as all step parents do, but if not perhaps you should. Maybe it
> would put a different light on the situation. > God Bless,
> Misty
>
Vicki Robinson
<Didi <still defensive and brewing>
Didi, I hear everything that you're saying, and the double standard
would have steam coming out of my ears, too. Imagine yelling at a
12-month old to quiet down!
I'm not negating the value or rightness of your grievances here, but
your signature gives me pause. Defensiveness on your part is going to
polarize the situation and force your husband to stick even more
rigidly to his guns. You're each going to dig your own little bunker
and hang out the battle flags and neither of you is going to hear a
word the other has to say. He's not hearing your justifiable
concerns, he's hearing an attack on his daughter and his fathering.
Your not hearing what he might have to say, you're hearing a two-tier,
hypocritical valuing system that ranks your kids somehow below his
daughter.
You're exhausted and just recovering from being sick, you have a
houseful of sick kids... Can I suggest that you just drop the rope
for the next week or so? You don't have the energy to fight this now.
Come here and stamp your feet to blow off the steam (you need some
kind of outlet, and this group is good at that), and then make an
appointment with your pastor or a counselor for you and DH. These
things don't go away on their own, and you're both becoming rapidly
entrenched in your positions on the issue.
You could even try a mediator, although I think that counseling would
be more productive in the long run. But a mediator could help you
work things out for now, so that the rules can be standard at least
during SD's residency with you.
Vicki
--
Family and Divorce Mediation Resources
http://xcski.com/~mediator/
Didi Jakubowski
>Defensiveness on your part is going to polarize the situation and force
your husband to stick even more rigidly to his guns. You're each going to
dig your own little bunker and hang out the battle flags and neither of you
is going to hear a word the other has to say. He's not hearing your
justifiable concerns, he's hearing an attack on his daughter and his
fathering. Your not hearing what he might have to say, you're hearing a
two-tier, hypocritical valuing system that ranks your kids somehow below his
daughter.
You have summed the situation up in a nutshell. These past couple of days
have driven more of a wedge between us than all of the issues from the very
beginning. I know that I feel very resentful towards DH right now, and I
realize that I am not even open to *hearing* his apologies let alone
accepting them. This morning, he apologized for yelling at the baby during
the night, and I wanted to scream at him that it was not "o.k." Instead, I
said that the one he needed to apologize to was the baby, and he left for
work, probably feeling very bad.
> You're exhausted and just recovering from being sick, you have a
houseful of sick kids... Can I suggest that you just drop the rope for the
next week or so? You don't have the energy to fight this now. Come here
and stamp your feet to blow off the steam (you need some kind of outlet, and
this group is good at that), and then make an appointment with your pastor
or a counselor for you and DH. These things don't go away on their own, and
you're both becoming rapidly entrenched in your positions on the issue.
Good ideas.
I have a question, though. DH and I had been seeing a counselor for about a
year -- one specialized in blended family situations. It was basically
going well, but many of the issues that we had were not exactly being
discussed -- things like this exact issue. Instead we spent a lot of time
talking about his ex and about SD's possible molestation issues (important
stuff, I realize). Anyway, my DH tends to be very passive-aggressive in
nature and doesn't handle conflict well. I, on the otherhand, tend to be
pretty aggressive, take the bull by the horns, when it comes to conflict. I
didn't wait for our sessions to handle issues b/t us -- DH always knew where
I stood. Our last session, 2 months ago or so, DH playfully bantered with
me beforehand saying that we didn't need to be going here anymore, why did
we have to spend a perfectly good Sat afternoon there, etc. prior to the
session. Then, he slammed me *during* the session -- accused me of not
being supportive of his daughter, stating that he feels "tit for tat" --
that if he feels like I am picking on (redirecting) his daughter about her
toe walking, then he has every right to pick on (humiliate) my daughter
about her thumb sucking, and a whole lot of other issues that came out of
left field for me. I was devastated and felt totally betrayed by him --
firstly b/c he could not see fit to talk with me about any of these issues
before, and secondly b/c he treated the whole thing like it was nothing,
wanting to go to lunch afterwards. I promptly told him that I will not be
his emotional punching bag, and I will not participate in counseling where
he feels that it is acceptable to attack me and then pretend that he
didn't -- nor to stockpile all of his issues until we get to the counselor's
office. He's never brought up going to see her again, and he seems to be
just fine with that.
In addition, while I thought that SD should be seeing her psychologist here
weekly while she is here for the summer, DH feels that she should be allowed
to "just be a kid for the summer" and hasn't taken her there for the last 4
weeks (she was going every w/e that she was here and hasn't been in awhile).
Consequently, her nightmares/night terrors are returning and have occurred
for the last 3 nights in a row. When I point out to him that she needs to
see her Dr., he gets defensive and just wants it all to go away. He cries
that he's so helpless, and I say that he chooses to be so. He says that
there's nothing that he can do to help her, and I say that he can, he just
chooses not to. He thinks that bending the rules for her and buying her
things will make her happy and help her. I say that filing for a change of
custody once and for all is what will help her. The whole situation stinks.
I guess that my long-about point is that I don't know what he expects from
counseling or what he truly gets out of it. I know that I expected *our*
counseling to be about helping us hash out how to be effective, consistent
parents and partners while I think that he saw it as an opportunity to ream
me out a new a-hole with an audience -- and then go to lunch. I believe
that SD's counseling is about helping her come to terms with whatever may
have happened to her (the psychologist says that we may never know the truth
as SD is protecting "someone") and helping her find more effective means of
handling her bottled up feelings while he sees the fact that she goes there
as some kind of defect or flaw in her existence (or perhaps a flaw in him).
*Something* has got to change here, b/c I am beginning to understand that
the *real* issue is probably much more serious that who stays where when
they're sick.
Didi <too tired to fight right now>
jane
>From: "Didi Jakubowski" didi...@home.com
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: Wed, 27 Jun 2001 12:19:54 GMT
>
>
>
>Misty wrote:
>
>> I do understand your desire to stick to the house rules, however
>exceptions to rules are in all areas of life and certainly should be made in
>some cases.
>
>I agree -- however, DH feels that exceptions should be made for his child
>*only*. I don't agree with that.
>
>>When situations such as these pop up, do you consider how you'd feel about
>the situation or want the situation to be handled if it were your biological
>children in the same situation?
>
>The problem, as I see it, is that I consider this child *too* much -- above
>and beyond my own children, and I get tired of it. There are ALWAYS special
>circumstances for SD -- some necessary and some not so. I am tired of it.
I understand how this can drive you nuts. What happened in my situation was
that DH just was never going to stick to rules regarding SD, and he was never
going to back me up doing it.
Have you considered just admitting that there are going to be different rules
for SD? I understand that you need a system with all those kids, but you don't
want to get too locked into the idea that everything has to be exactly the same
for all the kids all the time. There are always different rules for each kid.
If you refuse to make exceptions, then you're being rigid and unfair.
I agree that the worst thing to do is become polarized. And it looks as though
you're thinking: There's *always* an exception for SD. DH seems to be
thinking: She *never* sees that it's different for SD. This kind of
difference in perception is just the sort of thing that counseling can actually
help with.
jane
Counseling helped us to see the situation.
jane
>From: "Didi Jakubowski" didi...@home.com
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
Yeah, but.
You and DH are different in your approach to conflict resolution. So are my DH
and I. It's not as though one of you is right and one is wrong. Stockpiling
issues that you don't feel you can effectively resolve between counseling
sessions, then discussing them in front of a referee is a valid approach. It's
not your approach, but it's not the same as not seeing fit to discuss things
with you.
I don't really know what compartmentalizing is, but I think it's what your DH
does.
I'd go back to the counselor. If you're feeling "attacked" when he tells you
how he feels in the office, then that's probably exacerbating his difficulty
addressing issues outside the office. Do you see what I mean here? When he
finally *did* raise issues that seemed critical of you, you felt devastated and
betrayed. That's a daunting thing to face the next time you've got an issue to
raise.
>
>snip
>
>I guess that my long-about point is that I don't know what he expects from
>counseling or what he truly gets out of it. I know that I expected *our*
>counseling to be about helping us hash out how to be effective, consistent
>parents and partners while I think that he saw it as an opportunity to ream
>me out a new a-hole with an audience -- and then go to lunch.
I'll tell you why I agree to counseling. I firmly believe that I am right and
the other person is wrong, and I expect him to see that. That's what my DH is
looking for too. If the counseling goes well, to some extent you both get what
you want.
jane
chitcha...@webtv.net
Gosh I'm sorry that you are really feeling bummed right now - and on top
of being *physically* sick. First of all let me say that I really
respect you as a mother. I've been reading your posts for nearly six
months now and I think you're a terrific mother, I really do!
I can understand your frustration in all areas, I really can. I just
hope that you remember that SD isn't to blame for this situation. While
I know it may be easy to look at it as: she puked everywhere and didn't
even try to make it to bathroom, she woke up my baby in the middle of
night, however just try to remember the situation is no one's fault -
especially not the children - any of the children! It may not be fair,
- the situation in it's entirety isn't fair - but it may be that the
rules for SD aren't *always* going to be the same as the other kids.
Although it's nice to say 'well this is her home, too' it really isn't.
Coming for occasional holiday visits and summer visits do not make a
home, no matter how well the intentions are to do so. I hope that you
and your hubby can come together and work through things - sounds like
you both are really great people, and need to remember that although you
are frustrated and hurt with each other, neither are *trying* to hurt
the other - it just happens in twisted, difficult situations. I noticed
something in your post to Vicky: you described your picking on SD's toe
walking as 'redirecting' while describing DH's picking on your child's
thumb sucking as 'humiliating.' Did he say this or is this the way you
see the situation? Perhaps he sees your redirecting as humiliating,
also. I guess it's safe to say the issues your family are and will
continue to deal with will be difficult. We love our children so much
and dealing with any issues effecting them is going to be very serious
indeed. I wish you lots of luck and love in dealing with it all, I
really do! Hope you all feel better very, very soon!
Misty
Didi Jakubowski
>I noticed something in your post to Vicky: you described your picking on
SD's toe walking as 'redirecting' while describing DH's picking on your
child's thumb sucking as 'humiliating.' Did he say this or is this the way
you see the situation? Perhaps he sees your redirecting as humiliating,
also.
SD has a very bad habit of walking on her toes -- tippy, tippy toes. The
physical effects are that her Achilles tendon is very tight, her big toe is
widely spread (irreversible), and she has great difficulty flexing her feet
at all. In addition, she is very uncoordinated with gross motor skills. DH
and I took her to a pediatric orthopedic specialist to evaluate whether
there was a physical reason or problem for this behavior. Apparently, toe
walking has great emotional aspects, but I didn't know this at the time, and
DH lives in denial most of the time. The ortho doc said that SD *needs* to
be redirected everytime she is seen walking on her toes, that she needed
very specific stretching exercises, that she needed to keep her shoes on as
much as possible to encourage flat walking (doesn't help, though, as she
still walks on her toes -- even in high tops), and that she needed to be
kept away from anything that encouraged her to stand on her toes -- like
ballet. He also said that if SD continued to walk on her toes, she may
never be able to walk normally as her tendon will continue to shorten. Now,
DH is a pediatrician himself, but do you think that he has done the
exercises? Nope -- she complained the first time (I am sure that it pulls),
and he's not done it since. BM promptly signed her up for ballet, despite
the docs direction. And, I am the only one who reminds her to walk flat on
her feet -- only me. All I say to her is, gently, "Kayla, walk on your
heels......" Or, sometimes simply, "Heels," as SD said that that is all
that she needs as a reminder most times. As it is, her feet are not
attractive at all -- the toes are all spread to balance the weight while she
is up on them, and while this might not matter much to her now, when she is
a teenager it will bother her I fear.
Now, my daughter is 7 and has been sucking her thumb since her ultrasound
pics. Her pediatrician since birth has said that there is nothing that I
could do about it short of cutting off her thumb and that she will grow out
of it at her own time. I have tried things -- mostly out of DH's
insistence -- and nothing has worked. He complains that her teeth will need
orthodontics, but I believe that she would have anyway as my oldest daughter
did, and she never sucked her thumb at all. I have told DH, pointedly, that
I was not going to make an issue out of her thumb, but he will go out of his
way to do so. If she starts sucking her thumb while on his lap (more when
she was littler as she's not in his lap much now), he'll tell her that she
has to get off of his lap. If she starts now, he'll make a point of saying,
"Look everyone, Meagan must be very tired -- go to bed, Meagan, if you are
tired enough to suck your thumb" I just don't see how that does anything
but embarrass her about something that is such a subconscious behavior.
Although, DH's point is that he's trying to draw it to her conscious level
by pointing it out.
Thank you, though, for the rest of your post -- I appreciate the feedback
and ideas.
--
Didi
Mother of 4, Step-mother of 1
"Children, perfection, and sanity. You can only have 2 out of 3."
Anonymous
<chitcha...@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:8353-3B3...@storefull-246.iap.bryant.webtv.net...
> Didi,
>
> Gosh I'm sorry that you are really feeling bummed right now - and on top
> of being *physically* sick. First of all let me say that I really
> respect you as a mother. I've been reading your posts for nearly six
> months now and I think you're a terrific mother, I really do!
> I can understand your frustration in all areas, I really can. I just
> hope that you remember that SD isn't to blame for this situation. While
> I know it may be easy to look at it as: she puked everywhere and didn't
> even try to make it to bathroom, she woke up my baby in the middle of
> night, however just try to remember the situation is no one's fault -
> especially not the children - any of the children! It may not be fair,
> - the situation in it's entirety isn't fair - but it may be that the
> rules for SD aren't *always* going to be the same as the other kids.
> Although it's nice to say 'well this is her home, too' it really isn't.
> Coming for occasional holiday visits and summer visits do not make a
> home, no matter how well the intentions are to do so. I hope that you
> and your hubby can come together and work through things - sounds like
> you both are really great people, and need to remember that although you
> are frustrated and hurt with each other, neither are *trying* to hurt
> the other - it just happens in twisted, difficult situations. I guess
jane
>From: "Didi Jakubowski" didi...@home.com
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
Okay, this is good.
Didi, do you see that all this has nothing to do with whether or not DH sees
your redirecting as humiliation?
What counseling has helped us with is coming to terms with the real issues
involved. You are defending your actions as medically necessary. That
doesn't change the fact that DH feels you are picking on his child. Whether
or not you are right medically doesn't mean squat. You're still married to and
trying to coparent with a man to feels that you are picking on his kid.
There seems to be a lot of frustration about who makes the decisions about
parenting when you two disagree. DH does not want you to redirect; you do not
want him to bring your daughter's thumb sucking to a conscious level. DH does
not want SD to go to counseling; you do. It sounds as though you each do
whatever you think best with all the children, and it doesn't sound as though
that's working for you.
I would consider seeing a counselor about developing strategies to resolve
conflict. You need a way to work things out in light of both your
personalities. Whether you are defensive, passive-aggressive, confrontational,
or stubborn is not an issue of right and wrong in this as much as a factor to
be considered in the strategies you develop together. So you might end up
practicing putting off confrontation while DH works on addressing issues when
he'd rather put them off.
jane
Beth
> SD has a very bad habit of walking on her toes -- tippy, tippy toes. The
> physical effects are that her Achilles tendon is very tight, her big toe is
> widely spread (irreversible), and she has great difficulty flexing her feet
> at all. In addition, she is very uncoordinated with gross motor skills. DH
> and I took her to a pediatric orthopedic specialist to evaluate whether
> there was a physical reason or problem for this behavior. Apparently, toe
> walking has great emotional aspects, but I didn't know this at the time, and
> DH lives in denial most of the time.
My BD (7) does this sometimes. What's the deal with toe-walking? Is it bad if
everything else in the child's life seems hunky-dory? I'm curious, b/c my girls
seem to do it occasionally, but not my BS. SD never really did it at all.
Wouldn't you think ballet would be a good endeavor, since the toe-walking is the
child's strength? Sorry about all the questions <g>.
It really sucks when the stepchild is allowed to follow different rules. I
always insisted that rules be applied consistently, and luckily DH agrees. I
guess he never fell into the whole "oh, poor SD!" routine b/c we had to deal
with it from his family. Here SD was born to 2 parents who weren't together,
she'd never known an "intact" family, her only experience was sharing equal time
with mom and dad (and me from the time she was a baby), she's a straight-A
student, athletic, happy, etc. I'm not saying we haven't had our share of
problems--she was a major problem in school for K-2 b/c she wouldn't sit the
hell down, lol--but they were normal, behavioral issues. And now she's your
typical teenager, generally friendly and straightforward, occasionally moody and
antagonistic.
But DH's family for *years* now, and I'm talking 15 years, have never failed to
*pity* this child and act as if it's just the saddest thing. I'm thinking, give
me a freaking break, this child has so much love, parents who spend time with
her, great friends, financial security...and she's somehow to be pitied as you
would a child who has *nothing*?? Luckily they'd spend most of their time
moaning to DH, but it would clarify for us how wrong they are and how fortunate
SD really is. So we banded together early to treat her as a "normal," i.e.,
"bio-" child to both of us.
I think my SD's BM coddles her too much, but I've learned to deal with that,
too, even though the laxity of the situation over there can get to me if I dwell
on it too much. I just tell myself that BM has never married and has no other
kids, so SD is all she has...and in 3 years SD is out of the nest.
I can totally understand why you feel you can't back down here. And you know
that, while the 12-month-old might not understand motivations, etc., soon enough
it will be apparent to all your bio-children that SD gets a special deal. I
know we can't make things completely fair for our children, but we should try
not to be unfair on a daily basis just b/c of circumstances that don't bear
special consideration.
Obviously there's a vicious cycle going on over there, where you get ticked at
SD, then DH gets defensive and protects her, then you get ticked at DH, too,
etc. I wish your DH could realize that the bond between the two of you is
paramount...and it's in SD's best interest, in the long run, for the two of you
to parent her with confidence *together*.
Oh well, hope this helped...
>
Didi Jakubowski
> My BD (7) does this sometimes. What's the deal with toe-walking? Is it
bad if everything else in the child's life seems hunky-dory? I'm curious,
b/c my girls seem to do it occasionally, but not my BS. SD never really did
it at all.
I think that there are some children who do this occasionally without
physical or emotional manifestations. SD, however, would walk on her tippy
toes constantly if noone addressed it. It is really bizarre to watch -- how
she manages to stay up there for so long is just amazing.
> Wouldn't you think ballet would be a good endeavor, since the toe-walking
is the child's strength? Sorry about all the questions <g>.
Don't be sorry! The doc said that we need to do everything to discourage
her from being on her toes, and he felt that ballet was a bad idea. BM felt
that ballet would help her to stretch those tendons, etc., so since she has
her medical degree (not) from the University of Stubbornness, SD has been in
ballet since. Unfortunately, it really is defeating the purpose b/c with
her gross motor difficulties, she cannot keep up with the other girls in her
class, and she is starting to notice that herself. Her self esteem is
fragile anyway, so we'll have to see how this works for her in the end.
> It really sucks when the stepchild is allowed to follow different rules.
I
always insisted that rules be applied consistently, and luckily DH agrees.
I guess he never fell into the whole "oh, poor SD!" routine b/c we had to
deal with it from his family.
It is good that you two have the same plan in place. DH always agrees with
me on the surface, but when it comes to putting the plan into action, he
folds.
> But DH's family for *years* now, and I'm talking 15 years, have never
failed to *pity* this child and act as if it's just the saddest thing. I'm
thinking, give me a freaking break, this child has so much love, parents who
spend time with her, great friends, financial security...and she's somehow
to be pitied as you would a child who has *nothing*?? Luckily they'd spend
most of their time moaning to DH, but it would clarify for us how wrong they
are and how fortunate SD really is. So we banded together early to treat
her as a "normal," i.e., "bio-" child to both of us.
My DH's mom is like this -- "Ohhh, I feel so bad for Kayla -- how sad she
must feel...." All the time, indulging her with gifts and 2 of
everything -- 1 sent to mom's house, 1 sent to dad's house. I wish that she
would understand that truly helping Kayla doesn't involve buying things for
her ad nauseum.
My children are products of a divorced home, also, and they are very well
adjusted children. My ex and I have a pretty good relationship -- now that
we're not married to each other. I guess that maybe that is one reason that
I have a hard time with the whole pity-party for SD.
> I can totally understand why you feel you can't back down here. And you
know that, while the 12-month-old might not understand motivations, etc.,
soon enough it will be apparent to all your bio-children that SD gets a
special deal. I know we can't make things completely fair for our children,
but we should try not to be unfair on a daily basis just b/c of
circumstances that don't bear special consideration.
> Obviously there's a vicious cycle going on over there, where you get
ticked at SD, then DH gets defensive and protects her, then you get ticked
at DH, too, etc. I wish your DH could realize that the bond between the two
of you is paramount...and it's in SD's best interest, in the long run, for
the two of you to parent her with confidence *together*.
Thank you for your post and your opinions. I appreciate them.
Didi Jakubowski
> Didi, do you see that all this has nothing to do with whether or not DH
sees your redirecting as humiliation?
I'm trying.....nope. ;)
> What counseling has helped us with is coming to terms with the real issues
involved. You are defending your actions as medically necessary. That
doesn't change the fact that DH feels you are picking on his child. Whether
or not you are right medically doesn't mean squat. You're still married to
and trying to coparent with a man to feels that you are picking on his kid.
He *always* thinks I'm picking on his kid. She *always* thinks that I'm
picking on her. She's not used to having any limits set on her behavior
whatsoever. The only thing that he can find to pick on my children about is
Meagan's thumb sucking. My children are pretty respectful, nice kids, and
when they get out of line, I set limits on them and enforce consequences.
SD is not used to that, from either of her parents.
> There seems to be a lot of frustration about who makes the decisions about
parenting when you two disagree. DH does not want you to redirect; you do
not want him to bring your daughter's thumb sucking to a conscious level.
DH does not want SD to go to counseling; you do. It sounds as though you
each do whatever you think best with all the children, and it doesn't sound
as though that's working for you.
It's not working for us at all. One clarification, though -- he does
whatever he thinks is best for *his* daughter. He gives very little input
into what is done for my children -- his choice. He just sits back for the
ride while I run the show until SD comes home. Then, he undermines what I
am doing the minute he comes home from work. I have told him, if he's going
to rip me of any authority while he's working 50 - 60 hours a week, then he
can hire a nanny for her or take her with him b/c I will not let her run my
home.
> I would consider seeing a counselor about developing strategies to resolve
conflict. You need a way to work things out in light of both your
personalities. Whether you are defensive, passive-aggressive,
confrontational, or stubborn is not an issue of right and wrong in this as
much as a factor to be considered in the strategies you develop together.
So you might end up practicing putting off confrontation while DH works on
addressing issues when he'd rather put them off.
I really do hear your point. I'm thinking that maybe I will look into
individual counseling, again. I just don't know what good couple's
counseling will do right now with DH so opposed to it. He talks a good talk
about going, but it just wasn't worth the constant complaining by him about
going.......
Thank you, again, Jane.
MesgnBottl
>the worst of it. SD got really irritated with me yesterday as I wouldn't
>let her in the swimming pool. I told her that neither I nor she could go
>into the pool until we were symptom-free for 24 hours as I don't intend to
>drain the pool after she vomits in it. Again, DH wasn't much support until
>I reminded him that it just wasn't "healthy" for the rest of the kids -- in
>addition to reminding him how much $$ it would cost to refill and sanitize a
>30 ft. round swimming pool!
>
>(You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear that it was rotavirus, but it
>didn't have that familiar odor like roto.)
>--
Oh, I'd stick to that, 24 hour no symptom rule. When my kids were younger, 3
and 5, they had a virus. I thought they were "done" with it. So I let them go
in the wading pool together. Well, the little one wasn't done with it. She
pooped in the wading pool and the 5yr old aah, injested it. Yeah. Discusting,
I know. Needless to say the 5yr got it *again*, even more violently! You had
to hear my pediatrician repremand me about this. I felt this * big.