Intentionally hurting my feelings?
tkwalker
when he was 3 and I'm sure he can't remember a time when he fell asleep
without a story. My husband and I take turns every other night.
Lately, my SS has been getting whiney when it's my turn. He announces a bit
before bedtime,"Daddy's turn, right?" knowing full well that it's my turn.
When DH or I say, "No, it's my/mommy's turn" he begins to pout. At times,
he's actually sunk into DH's lap and whispered,"I want *you*, Daddy."
Before you ask, NO, I don't beat the child after the story. I don't do
anything different from DH, and it's not like DH does anything special. In
fact, I get mad at DH for skipping pages on a book he considers "too long".
So here's my dilemma. I'm irritated with SS. My feelings get hurt by a
five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from every angle and
I can't change the way I feel. Is he acting this way on purpose? Silly, I
know. But I'm curious about the whole
Child-Picking-One-Parent-Over-The-Other syndrome. Is it common? Do
children tend to do this? I know that I'm a good mom and I tell a good
bedtime story (complete with animated voices).... ;^) What do you recommend
that I do (if anything)?
Anyone?
Aloha,
Kina
MissyBASW
>five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from every angle and
>I can't change the way I feel. Is he acting this way on purpose? Silly, I
>know. But I'm curious about the whole
>Child-Picking-One-Parent-Over-The-Other syndrome. Is it common? Do
>children tend to do this? I know that I'm a good mom and I tell a good
>bedtime story (complete with animated voices).... ;^) What do you recommend
>that I do (if anything)?
>
>Anyone?
Patience??? Seriously, I went through this with my 8 yo sd. For a long time I
would help her wash her waist length hair at bath time. Then my bd or I did it
while dad spent time with the others girls. Somewhere late summer or early
fall, I could no longer do it, only dad. Of course my feelings were hurt
because I liked this time with just her (the others are teens) and since I'll
not have more, it was a chance to relive some of these moments again. One
night dad was busy with oldest sd and I went up to do her hair and she let me
with out a fuss. Dad is still the first choice but there aren't anymore
screaming fits if I show up to do it.
I don't think kids intentionaly try to hurt the step-parent's feelings....it
just happens sometimes. Its like they're fighting for their space in the bio
parent's life. Here, I think they figure "Melissa is with dad all the time and
we're not...we deserve all his attention". Since we both work and have other
things we need to do during the week, they probably get more of his time than I
do :) Oh well, I'm hoping they'll have good memories some day of all the fun
things we do here.
Missy
Geri and Brian
>Child-Picking-One-Parent-Over-The-Other syndrome. Is it common? Do
>children tend to do this?
I think it might be common. When my SD has the choice, she picks me to read
the stories because I can twist my tongue around those Dr. Seuss words and
phrases better than my husband, and I do the different voices. Even my husband
says he likes to hear me read the stories. She also picks me for bath time,
because I have a little more patience with her "goofing", probably. It doesn't
mean she loves me more than her dad, though - she just prefers my method of
doing those things.
Geri
~~~~~~~~~~
"Cats don't have nine lives, just two - theirs, then yours."
~~~~~~~~~~
To e-mail us, dump the litterbox. :-)
Tracey
>I've looked at it from every angle and I can't change the way
>I feel. Is he acting this way on purpose?
On purpose? Yeah, probably, but, probably not in the way you
mean it. I don't think that most kids do things to intentionally
hurt someone's feelings, but more because it's what they *want*
and they just don't have the capacity to understand how it looks/
feels to others. I'm having a hard time right now with our two
kids in that they snipe and argue and fight a lot and that in turn
ends up putting *me* in a bad mood. They're not doing it to
piss me off, they just don't seem to 'get' that their way of inter-
acting is irritating and frustrating to me.
I think, also, that picking on parent over the other is *very*
common in all/most child/parent relationships. Our son will
pick me over his dad in *everything* because it was just us
(myself and him) for the first seven years of his life. Our daughter
will generally pick me over her dad for most things, but, at
other times, I find that I'm 'on the outside' for others. (Like,
when he gets home from work. I might as well not exist for
either one of them for the first 10 minutes or so!)
Maybe if reading a book to your SS is important to you, why
don't you put him in bed a few minutes earlier, you read him a
story, then let your husband read him another one. Or pick
another time during the day to set up a time to always read him
one.
--
Tracey
--
Message from 2999:
Save the rainforests! The ape overlords tell
us the best bananas come from there.
--SciFi Channel--
jane lawrence
>
> Every night my stepson has a story read to him. It's a pattern that I began
> when he was 3 and I'm sure he can't remember a time when he fell asleep
> without a story. My husband and I take turns every other night.
>
> Lately, my SS has been getting whiney when it's my turn. He announces a bit
> before bedtime,"Daddy's turn, right?" knowing full well that it's my turn.
> When DH or I say, "No, it's my/mommy's turn" he begins to pout. At times,
> he's actually sunk into DH's lap and whispered,"I want *you*, Daddy."
>
> Before you ask, NO, I don't beat the child after the story. I don't do
> anything different from DH, and it's not like DH does anything special. In
> fact, I get mad at DH for skipping pages on a book he considers "too long".
>
> five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from every angle and
> know. But I'm curious about the whole
> Child-Picking-One-Parent-Over-The-Other syndrome. Is it common? Do
> bedtime story (complete with animated voices).... ;^) What do you recommend
> that I do (if anything)?
>
> Anyone?
>
The kid doesn't want you to read to him. You don't want you to
read to him. Why don't you just let his father read to him?
jane
tkwalker
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in message
news:38678CEE...@excite.com...
> The kid doesn't want you to read to him. You don't want you to
> read to him. Why don't you just let his father read to him?
>
> jane
Where in my post did I say that *I* don't want to read to him? I *enjoy*
that time with him..
Scratch that last question. It was directed more as a statement than for
you to answer.
Kina
jane lawrence
"I'm irritated with SS. My feelings get hurt by a
five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from
every angle and
I can't change the way I feel."
I assumed that you wouldn't want to be irritated and get your
feelings hurt.
jane
Anne Robotti
Doesn't want anything to do with me when Dad's here. And I laugh about
it with DH. But sometimes, I won't lie, it hurts me and makes me
irritated and upset. I don't know what to do about it, but I just
thought you might like to know that someone else was in the same situation.
Anne
tkwalker wrote:
>
> Every night my stepson has a story read to him. It's a pattern that I began
> when he was 3 and I'm sure he can't remember a time when he fell asleep
> without a story. My husband and I take turns every other night.
>
> Lately, my SS has been getting whiney when it's my turn. He announces a bit
> before bedtime,"Daddy's turn, right?" knowing full well that it's my turn.
> When DH or I say, "No, it's my/mommy's turn" he begins to pout. At times,
> he's actually sunk into DH's lap and whispered,"I want *you*, Daddy."
>
> Before you ask, NO, I don't beat the child after the story. I don't do
> anything different from DH, and it's not like DH does anything special. In
> fact, I get mad at DH for skipping pages on a book he considers "too long".
>
> So here's my dilemma. I'm irritated with SS. My feelings get hurt by a
> five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from every angle and
> I can't change the way I feel. Is he acting this way on purpose? Silly, I
> know. But I'm curious about the whole
> Child-Picking-One-Parent-Over-The-Other syndrome. Is it common? Do
> children tend to do this? I know that I'm a good mom and I tell a good
> bedtime story (complete with animated voices).... ;^) What do you recommend
> that I do (if anything)?
>
> Anyone?
>
> Aloha,
> Kina
Sarai
old, would ALWAYS choose daddy over me. It actually did kinda hurt my
feelings at first, (I guess cause I was the one always changing diapers) but
they have this really close kind of bond together, ever since he's been
born. My ex saw him born, and held him first, (I was knocked out w/ a
c-section) whereas he was'nt there when sd was born, and did'nt see her
until she was 6wks old. Even now, I would never keep bs away from his
daddy, because it would just hurt him too much. Maybe it's just a
boy/father thing.
Heather M.
Anne Robotti wrote in message <3867F29C...@worldnet.att.net>...
tkwalker
Sarai <heat...@ipa.net> wrote in message news:848uee$h68$2...@news.ipa.net...
(snipped)
>Maybe it's just a
> boy/father thing.
>
> Heather M.
>
That's what my husband said. Hearing everyone else tell their similar
stories makes me feel a lot better. THANK YOU!
Aloha,
Kina
tkwalker
Karla <ka...@ntcorp.com> wrote in message
news:38680A34...@ntcorp.com...
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Kina,
>
> I don't know what to say except to send you a hug. {{{{{Kina}}}}}
THANK YOU!
> My six year old stepson is a very angry little boy. He lashes out to
> hurt people emotionally whenever he can. I know that DH is right when
> he says that I shouldn't take it so personally, but I do. I've tried
> not to, but it hurts.
Smother him with love. Anger and "lashing out" is a cover-up of hurt and
insecurity.
> Perhaps because the emotion is so pure and uncolored and I feel so
> powerless to help him see how his words and actions hurt. He's unable
> to comprehend everything and yet he manipulates everything at the same
> time...amazing how these kids learn.
My words exactly. How are so apt to learn the difficult "art" per se of
manipulation, yet can't seem to learn how to put their own toys away?
> What I have been doing is taking his therapist's advice and saying
> things like, "I didn't deserve that" or "that hurt my feelings" or other
> such phrases. I want to describe what I'm feeling and get him to
> understand some of his role in it. Yes, I choose to be hurt, but he is
> choosing to try and hurt.
APPLAUSE for going the therapy route! When such a young child is lashing
out, there really are some problems that need to be worked out before they
fester and grow along with the child.
> I do pray that these kids end up relatively unscathed from all this. I
> really do. Other than the therapy and the consistency in our home, I
> don't know what else to do.
> karla
Keep on keepin' on, girl! I'm sending cyberhugs to you across the miles!
Update me/ng every so often on how the therapy is working...
Much Aloha,
Kina
jane lawrence
>
> This is the part that led me astray:
> five-year-old when he acts this way. I've looked at it from
> every angle and
> I can't change the way I feel."
>
> feelings hurt.
Sorry to follow up my own post, but this just isn't coming out
right.
As far as I can see, all kids go through the "Not you, Mommy. I
want Daddy" stage and vice versa. Their phrasing may vary, but
the pattern seems to repeat throughout their formative years.
It can be heartwarming when you're the one being sought out.
Being spurned can hurt your feelings.
What I was ineffectually trying to say was that you might just
as well let the kid have what he wants. Who knows why he's
needing to spend more time with his father or to separate a
little from you? It might be a little less hurtful to think of
in terms of defining his identity or gender patterning on an
adult male, but whatever it is, kids seem to know and demand
when they need it.
You're all bent out of shape about it. No matter what
developmental stage the kid is going through, the fact is you
*are* being rejected. I'm absolutely certain you don't look
forward to bedtime scenes with little Johnny crying because
you're reading him a book. That makes a total mockery of the
pleasant little bedtime ritual you both enjoyed so much. So, to
protect your own feelings as well as to give the kid the space
he needs, you might as well take the time to do something else
you enjoy.
jane