The Harsh Step-Father: HELP!!
Wilson3142
son, C of 4.
C had been running wild since birth, mostly " in the care of " B's father
(who is a couch potato) while B worked.
A and B, happily married now for 2 years have a son of their own, D,
who is the apple of A's eyes !
All four live together; boy #1 (C) is in school;
A and B have jobs with different hours so one is always home to
care for C and D.
Problem is the relationship between A and C.
A is always angry at the undisciplined behaviour of his step-son
and is very harsh with him.
His Army background is not conducive to the loving care needed to
slowly persuade his step-son to act more civilized, after having been
left to run wild all his life.
A is totally unaware that a large part of his anger is due to being
a step-father to C, as spelled out in countless folk tales.
A's parents (my wife and I) and B's parents are most disturbed to see A's
harshness when his step-son (often) steps out of line.
Is there, perhaps, a FAQ file on this NG, or a Web site that would open
A's eyes to the situation he is in? The natural "Harsh Step-Father" feelings
that he has, and how to cope with them?
Thank you for any help you can give.
Wilson Pye
TYounger
Hello Wilson,
We don't have an FAQ that deals with specific issues,
only some basic information about usenet.
Why do't you invite your son to join our newsgroup? He
can get insight from other step-parent, and we hae some
bio-parents too. Kevin (a bio-dad that posts here) has
some invaluable information from the point of view of a
great father.
If your son doesn't know how to deal with situations, or
needs to know if his reactions are normal, most of us
here are more than happy to put in our opinions.
Tamara
> Wilson3142 said...
Merrie
We're not that together, and don't have that information for you.
I recommend you have a Dad to Son talk about parenting. Your son is
past the age where his father starts getting smarter. (You know: the older
I get - the smarter my Dad gets.)
There might be some good stepfather books - but I don't know of any...
Sorry I can't be of more help.
anyone else?
Merrie
Wilson3142 <wilso...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991102231303...@ng-cg1.aol.com...
Amber
years. His step-father is particularly harsh with him.
When we go to other parties where there are lots of kids, he sees that his
stepson is just like the rest of the kids. But when he is home with him he
is really harsh with him. I know that my husband loves his stepson, but
he's really harsh with him. Or am I being too lenient? I don't think that
I am. I ground him when he's bad and I don't tolerate for him to speak
disrespectfully to adults. Other adults that have had him around say he's a
wonderful kid. I think my son's pretty respectful of all adults and is a
very good kid. He has some trouble in school because he's ADHD, but nothing
serious. My husband seems to discipline children like he's in the military
or something.
I also get the feeling that my husband is JEALOUS of my son. Every time
that he comes home late from work and my son is up in my room, he's anxious
to put him down to his room and not include him in family associations. I
dearly love my son and hope this is only a phase...
They tease each other all the time. But my husband is the OLDER of the two,
so I would expect that he would quit his teasing when my son gets upset.
This man is a good man. I'm not lying about that. He truly does love my
son.. but cannot deal w/him like a real Father would. I get the feeling
that he thinks that kids should be relegated to a shelf on the wall.... He
can't enter the REAL world of child rearing. My husband wants to have
children with me (yeah.. at MY AGE) but I am just NOT going to do it because
he is so inflexible and so .. well CRABBY... that I think that any child
raised with HIM would be totally terrorized with laws and regulations the
child would be MISERABLE!
TYounger <bo...@mindspring.com> wrote in message
news:MPG.12899152d...@news.mindspring.com...
>
> Hello Wilson,
>
> We don't have an FAQ that deals with specific issues,
> only some basic information about usenet.
>
> Why do't you invite your son to join our newsgroup? He
> can get insight from other step-parent, and we hae some
> bio-parents too. Kevin (a bio-dad that posts here) has
> some invaluable information from the point of view of a
> great father.
>
> If your son doesn't know how to deal with situations, or
> needs to know if his reactions are normal, most of us
> here are more than happy to put in our opinions.
>
> Tamara
>
> > Wilson3142 said...
MRBrunjes
Re: Step-father discipline:
1) It sounds like your DH doesn't have any kids except your kids (his
step-kids) - so maybe he's not treating your son this way because it's his
step-son - this could be the way he would treat his bio-kids too. This may
be just the kind of parent he is.
2) I find myself sometimes correcting every little thing my SD does because
somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that this will help her to
change her behavior - that I am truly doing this for her own good. :) It's
like I think if I let her slide once I think I won't be sending a consistent
message. (Most of the time I do pretty good at thinking first before
re-acting though :) )
3) Maybe you & DH should talk about specifics. Maybe he gets on your son
about things he (DH) thinks you are too lenient about & is trying to make up
for your leniency. Maybe you can reach a compromise about things - if your
son does something he (DH) really, really thinks should be a no-no, you two
could agree on appropriate discipline & then see that *you* also enforce it.
For here, I'm just thinking maybe your DH thinks that you don't feel he (DH)
has *any* valid points about his discipline of your son - & so he's just
harsh across the board.
Basically, I'm just thinking if you two talk about specifics you might come
to a meeting of the minds on a few issues. When these things settle out,
then you return to discuss other new specifics.
Re: Step-father jealous?
I don't find it unusual that your husband would want to spend some time
alone with you when he comes home from an especially long day. He needs
time to unwind & re-connect with his family starting with his wife. Almost
the first thing my SO & I ask each other each time we talk on the phone or
see each other is "How was your day?" or "Wha's happening?". That's our way
of re-connecting & showing interest in each other. It's very important to
me & someday, should we marry, it will still the first words out of my mouth
when he walks in the door at the end of the day. I'm afraid on this one I'd
say send your son out of room a few minutes. By not doing this, you are
telling your husband he's not important enough to warrant a few minutes of
your time alone.
Take care of yourselves,
Melody
Amber <AMe...@AOL.COM> wrote in message
news:9GkU3.50340$7I4.9...@news5.giganews.com...
joyojoy
I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son
(DH's SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH
treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude to
parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes I
intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting
has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im sure
this would be the reason. I don't know what to do about it. A compromise
sounds like the answer but it isn't easy to reach.
Joyojoy
Merrie
Something in your post struck me. It's the "sometimes I intervene." I
think it's acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off. You want
me to take care of this one?" But given that his response is that he gets
angry: then I don't think you should even do that.
It undermines his parental authority. It also divides you as parents.
I think it's very important that the parents make the rules together (and
try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.) If you
find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him
privately. By intervening - you just polarize him into his position,
standing opposite you and your children.
Merrie
joyojoy <joy...@primus.com.au> wrote in message
news:QsrU3.158$a15....@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net...
Merrie
Maybe you could give me some more examples of situations where things
need to be dealt with immediately. From my standpoint - people are not dogs
and you often have time to defer a decision about your course of action.
For instance, time out in the room. I would make an agreement that kids get
sent to their rooms until a parent comes to let them out. At which point
child goes to their room - parents have a discussion and make an agreement.
BTW - I think the amount of time is a rather arbitrary thing, unless
it's being used as a deterrent for a specific action (like the sibling
rivalry thing.) If it's being used as a deterrent then the amount of time
is already preagreed upon. If time out is being used as a punishment in
response to some spontaneous behavior - Jr made a playdough mess and won't
clean it up - then Jr goes to his room until he's ready to come out and
clean it up. I don't use specific times. If a child's having an attitude
problem - they stay in time out until they really lose the attitude.
For the most part around here - whomever is dealing with the situation
first is allowed to do it their way. If I'm really uncomfortable with
something DH has done - I'll talk to him about it later. But that's rare.
Even if I disagree with his decision - I usually let it play out.
I'm making assumptions here that your DH is not actually downright
verbally or emotionally abusive. If it's just a matter of him being a
rather strict disciplinarian - what harm do you think will come to the kids
or their relationship with him if he simply carries out his style of
discipline?
Merrie
joyojoy <joy...@primus.com.au> wrote in message
news:AB6V3.125$du5....@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net...
> You are so right Merrie!
> I am intervening and letting the kids know I disagree with DH. He does the
> same with me. This is one of our problems which we are trying to fix. We
> need to appear to the kids to be one and the same, and we must appear to
be
> in agreeance. We sometimes pull it off but sometimes not. The trouble is
we
> cannot have rules for every little thing and sometimes a little thing just
> pops up and we both want to deal with it in our own individual way. In
order
> to apear united I would have to give in every time and allow DH to deal
with
> everything his way, b/c he gets far too angry to allow me to deal with
> things my way. There must be some way to compromise? How about we take
> turns? "excuse me dear, it's my turn so let me deal with it" do you think
> this would work? Or how about each time we say "right you want the kid
sent
> to his room for 20mins and I think he should not be punished at all so
lets
> send him to his room for 10 mins" This is the sort af answer I am looking
> for - there must be some form of compromise that would see DH and I
meeting
> half way.
>
> Joyojoy
>
> Merrie wrote in message ...
joyojoy
jane lawrence
>
> Hi joyojoy,
>
> Something in your post struck me. It's the "sometimes I intervene." I
> think it's acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off. You want
> me to take care of this one?" But given that his response is that he gets
> angry: then I don't think you should even do that.
>
> I think it's very important that the parents make the rules together (and
> try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.) If you
> find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him
> privately. By intervening - you just polarize him into his position,
> standing opposite you and your children.
>
I don't know, Merrie. At some point, we'd all intervene. At
some point, supporting your mate is always secondary to the
children's well-being.
I imagine we each would intervene at a different point. The
obvious case would be striking the child, but I'm sure that I
couldn't stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused,
either. Flame away, but the child's right not to be abused
supersedes the adult's right to discipline in the home. I think
it's really important to teach children as they grow that no one
has a right to abuse them. You've got to make that point
strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other
parent.
I'm not sure what's going on, but if it's that hard for joyojoy
to witness, I figure there's a good chance she feels DH is
abusing or harming the child with his criticism. I don't think
she should back that kind of parenting or authority up.
jane
>
> joyojoy <joy...@primus.com.au> wrote in message
Melissa Torresan
wrote:
>I imagine we each would intervene at a different point. The
>obvious case would be striking the child, but I'm sure that I
>couldn't stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused,
>either. Flame away, but the child's right not to be abused
>supersedes the adult's right to discipline in the home. I think
>it's really important to teach children as they grow that no one
>has a right to abuse them. You've got to make that point
>strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other
>parent.
Jane - I'm not sure if you've been reading my posts lately, but this
touches on something that SK told me last weekend. He was bawling as
he told me that BM and her SO call him "Crapadaks" because he poos his
pants. Then he tells me that he sits on the floor, and does a poo in
his pants, and then he goes and tells them.
When SO confronted BM with it, she told him "Stay out of it - the way
I deal with something that is a sore trial in this house is my
business and nothing to do with you" and SO said "Well do you think
calling him names is solving the problem? Because it's still
happening, isn't it?" She changed the subject.
Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea
*why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?
Mel
>I'm not sure what's going on, but if it's that hard for joyojoy
>to witness, I figure there's a good chance she feels DH is
>abusing or harming the child with his criticism. I don't think
>she should back that kind of parenting or authority up.
>
>jane
>
>
>
>
>>
>> joyojoy <joy...@primus.com.au> wrote in message
>> news:QsrU3.158$a15....@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net...
>> > Wilson and Amber
>> >
>> > I live in a similar situation. Many times I feel my DH treats my 12y/o son
>> > (DH's SS) too harshly. But I have to add that many times I also feel DH
>> > treats our Bio Kids too harshly. DH simply has a very different attitude
>> to
>> > parenting than me. It is very hard for me to stand by and watch. Sometimes
>> I
>> > intervene and DH gets very angry about that. This difference in parenting
>> > has DH and I angry at each other and if our marriage ever breaks up Im
>> sure
>> > this would be the reason. I don't know what to do about it. A compromise
>> > sounds like the answer but it isn't easy to reach.
>> >
>> > Joyojoy
>> >
>> >
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
---------------------------------------------------
jane lawrence
>
> Jane - I'm not sure if you've been reading my posts lately, but this
> touches on something that SK told me last weekend. He was bawling as
> he told me that BM and her SO call him "Crapadaks" because he poos his
> pants. Then he tells me that he sits on the floor, and does a poo in
> his pants, and then he goes and tells them.
> When SO confronted BM with it, she told him "Stay out of it - the way
> I deal with something that is a sore trial in this house is my
> business and nothing to do with you" and SO said "Well do you think
> calling him names is solving the problem? Because it's still
> happening, isn't it?" She changed the subject.
>
> Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea
> *why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?
>
for a couple of weeks. Sure, it's child abuse. If the kid is
deliberately, not accidentally, soiling, then he's upset. My
first guess would be he's really angry. I'm not a shrink,
though. This sounds like a good issue to discuss with his
therapist.
jane
jane
Melissa Torresan
wrote:
>> Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea
>> *why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?
>>
>I haven't been reading anyone's posts lately. I've been gone
>for a couple of weeks. Sure, it's child abuse. If the kid is
>deliberately, not accidentally, soiling, then he's upset. My
>first guess would be he's really angry. I'm not a shrink,
>though. This sounds like a good issue to discuss with his
>therapist.
Well, I spoke to SK's counsellor today.. he's pretty tight lipped. As
with most counsellors, he just kept his mouth shut and let me do the
talking. Apparently he has not finished assessing SK yet, and he did
say that recent events make it look a bit more serious than he first
thought - I think that's regarding the playing us all off against each
other thing. He did not have much to say at all and could not (or
would not) discuss why SK would be deliberately pooing his pants..
So that was pretty much a wasted phonecall.. I am no wiser!
Mel
>jane
Anne Haas
Hi Mel,
Give the counselor time. Part of their training is to be tight lipped. Keep
him informed on your "angle" of things. As you said, he mentioned that he's
still evaluating SK and that things were more complex than he originally
thought. Being the SM, you tend to be a bit more objective than the
bio-parents and that can help the counselor a great deal. I make a habit of
keeping my SD's counselor informed of what's going on in her life. (Of course,
my SD is bipolar and tends to have a wee bit of a problem with dillusional
thinking.) Your SK is young and doesn't know how to express certain feelings
yet, so your input is invaluable.
Verbal abuse can be devastating. I'm having a problem with it right now in my
own home, so much so that I'm going to write about it in a separate post for
y'alls advice. :-)
Hang in there, Mel. My grandfather used to say that anything worthwhile often
took awhile. This is particularly true in psychological matters. There is no
pill or shot which suddenly turns a troubled child into a "perfect" child. (My
sil says her kids are perfect - they get into trouble just the right amount of
time. *s*)
Anne H.
(the other Anne)
Life is a glorious joke. Enjoy the laugh. ("Not one shred of evidence exists
in favor of the idea that life is serious.")
Jennaii
Have you asked SS why he does this?
*I* think hes looking for *any* attention he can get from his Mom. If he can't
get praise he'll take anything he can get.
Merrie
I completely agree that a parent cannot stand by and let verbal/physical
abuse continue. I didn't get the sense from joyojoy that this was the case
and said I was assuming this wasn't happening.
Abuse is a different situation. I don't think it should get to the
point where you have to intervene between abusive parent and child. It's
possible that you may have to do this *once* - and you separate everyone and
then address it when things calm down.
To continue to be intervening is enabling.
Merrie
jane lawrence <jan...@excite.com> wrote in message
news:382832E9...@excite.com...
> Merrie wrote:
> >
> > Hi joyojoy,
> >
> > Something in your post struck me. It's the "sometimes I intervene."
I
> > think it's acceptable to say "Hmm, DH you look really pissed off. You
want
> > me to take care of this one?" But given that his response is that he
gets
> > angry: then I don't think you should even do that.
> >
> > It undermines his parental authority. It also divides you as
parents.
> > I think it's very important that the parents make the rules together
(and
> > try to include deciding on consequences for breaking those rules.) If
you
> > find your DH being excessively harsh, you need to address this with him
> > privately. By intervening - you just polarize him into his position,
> > standing opposite you and your children.
> >
> > Merrie
>
> I don't know, Merrie. At some point, we'd all intervene. At
> some point, supporting your mate is always secondary to the
> children's well-being.
>
> I imagine we each would intervene at a different point. The
> obvious case would be striking the child, but I'm sure that I
> couldn't stand by if I felt my child were being verbally abused,
> either. Flame away, but the child's right not to be abused
> supersedes the adult's right to discipline in the home. I think
> it's really important to teach children as they grow that no one
> has a right to abuse them. You've got to make that point
> strongly and immediately both to the kid and to the other
> parent.
>
joyojoy
Merrie wrote in message ...
>
> Maybe you could give me some more examples of situations where things
>need to be dealt with immediately. From my standpoint - people are not
dogs
>and you often have time to defer a decision about your course of action.
>For instance, time out in the room. I would make an agreement that kids
get
>sent to their rooms until a parent comes to let them out. At which point
>child goes to their room - parents have a discussion and make an agreement.
>
Merrie
I intervene mostly whenever the child is IMO being punished out of anger. DH
tends to have days or periods of crabbyness. Any little thing sets him off
when hes in one of these moods. When hes in a good mood he disciplines more
like me. By the same token DH intervenes when he thinks I am letting one of
the kids get away with something. Again it is usually when he is in a bad
mood. I wouldnt say he is abusive but I would say he is cruel and this is
why I intervene. I guess the kids would survive if I didnt step in but if I
dont do something I feel I am letting them down. In the case of my 12y/o
(DH's SS) if I dont intervene when I feel I should I have this terrible gut
wrenching sense that Im letting DH take over my resposibility to my son. I
hate to say this but its like Kevins Mum did when she let her DH take her
and her family away from her two oldest sons. I love my DH but I have to
maintain my head when my children are at stake.
DH had been crabby for weeks but snapped out of it about 4 days ago and we
haven't had one dissagreement since. Its really wierd how things can change
so quickly. Last week we were hardly talking to each other and now we are as
happy as Larry.!!??
Joyojoy
jane lawrence
>
> Jane,
>
> I completely agree that a parent cannot stand by and let verbal/physical
> abuse continue. I didn't get the sense from joyojoy that this was the case
> and said I was assuming this wasn't happening.
>
> Abuse is a different situation. I don't think it should get to the
> point where you have to intervene between abusive parent and child. It's
> possible that you may have to do this *once* - and you separate everyone and
> then address it when things calm down.
>
> To continue to be intervening is enabling.
Well, yes. You're right, of course. I think my DH disciplines
so rarely and reasonably that I can't imagine wanting to jump in
except for something I considered abusive.
jane
Melissa Torresan
>Mel,
>Have you asked SS why he does this?
>*I* think hes looking for *any* attention he can get from his Mom. If he can't
>get praise he'll take anything he can get.
I agree with you - he's looking for attention..
Mel
>>Anyone care to tell me if that is child abuse? Anyone got any idea
>>*why* SK would be pooing his pants deliberately? Negative attention?
>>
>>
>
>
---------------------------------------------------
Melissa Torresan
sm...@crosswinds.net
---------------------------------------------------
Merrie
Is the crabbiness stress related?
I'm hoping he's already aware of the moodiness. Then you can have some
honest discussion with him about how to deal with the kids while undergoing
these moods. Since he's in a good phase now, I think this is the time to
bring it up
If he is able to acknowledge he has irritable moods, then you may be
able to set up a protocol with regards to discipline when he's irritable.
Something like: He feels there's an discipline situation, child goes to
room/ or parents retreat in private, agree on a course of action, present
results to child. In this situation I think it would be preferable that the
parents retreat. I'm fully realizing, of course, this puts you into the
"hot spot" of having to deal with the irritable parent. Better you than the
child.
If he can't tell when he's in an irritable mood - then I'd suggest you
follow the protocol all the time. If he knows when he's irritated or not,
then when the kid leaves the milk out he has the option of telling him to
come back and put it away. If he doesn't know when he's in a bad mood, then
he'll have to call you to conference each time he wants to yell at someone
or issue a time out.
I would also suggest he look for things to let go and that you look for
undesirable behaviors that should be modified.
Merrie
joyojoy <joy...@primus.com.au> wrote in message
news:oYbW3.124$%g6....@nsw.nnrp.telstra.net...