how to talk to ex's S/O
David and Dionne Kane
Hi. New here. My ex has a new girlfriend (live-in) and I would like some
tips on how to be able to talk to her about my daughter who will be visiting
them for 6 weeks this summer. My ex and I cannot speak to each other
unfortunately, and I'm sure I've been badmouthed to this woman, but I would
like to be able to talk to her once in a while regarding my daughter and her
summer since I can't talk to the ex. Thank You! (no email please... thanks)
Michael
Good question...first off I have to say, please try to find a way to talk
with your child's mom...the first year for me was tough but now that we get
along it makes things go so much smoother. It helps me to look at her as
my son's mom and not my ex wife.
Ok, with that spoiler out of the way...if you have an S/O that may be a
good starting point. They have something in common, they are both 'caught'
in the middle of this family...that may be the communication vehicle you
want to use.
If not, you are going to have to get a very clear feeling that our
daughter's mom's S/O wants to talk to you, otherwise the situation is going
to get even worse. Basically though, I have come to realize that my son
has things that go on at his mom's that I simply can't control and just let
go of trying to control that environment because it just isn't in my
control. (I'm of course not talking about letting an unhealthy/dangerous
environment go unnoticed).
Just some thoughts.
Michael
King&Furnish
as the fiancée (SO) in the same sort of situation (my fiancé and the
children's mother can't say more than 3 sentences without her starting to
scream at him.), I would gladly welcome anything that she asked me, since I
do look after *her* children, but she doesn't even try. I offer suggestions
to her all the time, and try to break the ice, but she is not interested in
anything I have to say (like how to get ride of the head lice that the
children have had for 6 weeks and gave ME, or that the younger child seemed
a bit deaf from the ear infection that the mother refused to take
seriously - now, 6 months later, she's being evaluated for the exact amount
of hearing loss she has in one ear... etc.). The best bet is to just treat
her how you'd like to be treated - politely and genuinely. I have no desire
to be her best friend, or even her *friend*, but I sure would like it if
just ONCE, she would be able to look me in the eye without shooting daggers
or like I'm dirt when I'm offering non-threatening ideas on looking after
these girls...
Posey
SoccerStepMom
David and Dionne Kane wrote:
>
> Hi. New here. My ex has a new girlfriend (live-in) and I would like some
> tips on how to be able to talk to her about my daughter who will be visiting
> them for 6 weeks this summer. My ex and I cannot speak to each other
> unfortunately, and I'm sure I've been badmouthed to this woman, but I would
> like to be able to talk to her once in a while regarding my daughter and her
> summer since I can't talk to the ex. Thank You! (no email please... thanks)
My first thought when I read this is how grateful I would be as a
stepmom if my husband's ex would approach me with the intention of
building a working relationship to further the care of the kids. I'd
love it.
But then I realized that if you can't talk to the kids' father, you
could be putting the S/O in a really awkward position by going around
him to her. If he is just one of those clueless types, then perhaps he
would welcome having his S/O handle the communications with you. But if
your rift with him is more fundamental and he does not want her to work
with you, then she may feel caught in the middle. In that case, her
loyalty is to her S/O.
Hopefully the situation you have is more the former than the latter.
But I think you really need to build up your relationship with your
ex-husband so that you can effectively co-parent your kids. Then if you
want to involve the S/O as someone you can talk to directly on issues of
concern to you both, terrific.
But if your goal is to recruit her to work around your ex-husband, that
may be a tougher (and less-advisable) challenge. Anyway, this is just
my thought. Good luck to you! SSM
TYounger
SoccerStepMom wrote in message <35914E...@hotmail.com>...
[snip]
>My first thought when I read this is how grateful I would be as a
>stepmom if my husband's ex would approach me with the intention of
>building a working relationship to further the care of the kids. I'd
>love it.
>
[snip]
Wow, I wish bio-mom would've this attitude towards me! Everything was fine
until last week, she and I used to talked when DH and I went to pick SS up,
her and DH have (fairly) good communication when it comes to their son, and
then suddenly...WHAM! it all blows up in my face.
Bio-mom disconnected her phone (something that really bothers me anyhow, how
are we supposed to contact her if something happens to SS???) - and our car
broke down...to the point of being undriveable, so we had to contact her
*somehow* so she could come pick SS up on Sunday. The only number we had
was for her best friend, so I called (not thinking it was any big deal) to
ask the friend to tell bio-mom that she would need to pick up SS as the car
was broken, and even said to have her call COLLECT to find out what's going
on. About an hour later, a call comes in, I accept it, and get yelled at.
DH didn't think it was anything to get upset over, but I was SOOO mad that I
got ragged out for taking care of arrangements for the welfare of a child
that is not even mine. UGH! Shows how much appreciation you sometimes get
for going out of your way for someone.
Anyhow, I told DH that he is NOT to allow bio-mom to be disrespectful
towards me to him when I'm not around (I've got it taken care of when I *am*
around), and I've told him that if she's going to be like that, she's not
welcome in *my* house. I also said that with as much CS he pays, she should
be reachable... i.e., she needs to get a phone.
Ugh, sorry about venting, but I feel like my home and my trust has been so
violated, and especially when I go out of my way to be not only civil, but
NICE, and things shatter because bio-mom can't see that, she's just sooo
bitter towards me (even though she says she's not, she acts it)
Anyhow...again...sorry about the ranting, I just needed someone around who
understands the kind of frustration, and this NG seems to be it.
Thanks
TYounger
King&Furnish
I can understand this frustration, as "our" bio-mom had her phone
disconnected 6 months ago, and hasn't bothered to have it turned back on.
Therefore, we are forced to accept calls from her (not the kids, which we
naturally would accept any time, but HER) whenever "she has a chance" -
which somehow always manages to be late at night. No amount of asking her
to call at a decent hour gets us further than an earful of grief and griping
that if we want the phone back on, we should pay, blah blah blah... of
course, it also means that we no longer are able to call the kids, and if
they call us, we're returning their call to a phone booth and only get a few
minutes of their time.
What I want to know is, when are all of the bitter (and I do stress bitter -
there are loads & loads of wonderful bio-moms, I know - please don't flame
me!!!!)biomoms going to get creative and actually come up with something NEW
and unique in their manipulations...? Wait, don't answer that... ;)
Posey
Katy
I have an ex who loves mind games and playing snip-queen.. she talks past me
at sports events, asks my SO to go get popcorn for their son.. asks for her
CS check... talks trash about me and my kids to her kids and other mom's..
so when I try to make friends.. it is gee you are funny and nice.. not like
what "mary" said... I still try to take the high rode and talk politely...
but.. ugghh gives me the creeps
>>
>> Hi. New here. My ex has a new girlfriend (live-in) and I would like
some
>> tips on how to be able to talk to her about my daughter who will be
visiting
>> them for 6 weeks this summer. My ex and I cannot speak to each other
>> unfortunately, and I'm sure I've been badmouthed to this woman, but I
would
>> like to be able to talk to her once in a while regarding my daughter and
her
>> summer since I can't talk to the ex. Thank You! (no email please...
thanks)
>
>stepmom if my husband's ex would approach me with the intention of
>building a working relationship to further the care of the kids. I'd
>love it.
>
Merrie
I suggest you write a letter, not suggesting that you want to talk but
rather let her know things about your daughter that would be helpful
like "Suzie doesn't know how to swim" but not your parenting guidelines
that you expect her to incorporate and enforce like "NO candy except on
Saturday's". Allergies yes, your rules no. Leave your phone number
where you can be reached and then leave it at that.
Make the most of your daughter's vaction. It's yours too...
Merrie
janelaw
I would cheerfully kiss the ground that my ex's SO walks on.
When my ex and I could not speak to each other without our blood
pressure skyrocketing, she just quietly took over as
intermediary. She gradually assumed responsibility for all the
negotiation over visitation. Where he would have called and
said, "Make sure she brings her bathing suit," she said, "We
want to take her to a pool. Should we buy her a bathing suit,
or do you have one she likes to wear?" And if she needed a new
swimsuit, SO would send it back to my house! I swear, the woman
is a saint.
After a while, my ex and I started to get along fine. We
started to think of each other as reasonable people again. In
retrospect, I see that she taught us how to treat each other
with dignity and respect.
I am not sure how this works in reverse. In the beginning, she
always seemed to be calling to offer to do me a favor. Maybe
you could call (when you know ex won't be there) and ask if
there is anything special she would like you to send with your
daughter. Then call and ask if there is any medical info they
need. Then call and let them know that your daughter has
developed an allergy to eggs. I think it is good to leave a
pleasant message on the answering machine. Address mail to both
of them.
I guess I am saying that you should gradually expose her to the
real you. Give her something to counteract your ex's calumny.
Be pleasant, helpful, and brief. Never criticize your ex to
her. Never criticize her to your daughter. Never tell her what
to do in her home. Spend some time thinking about what she
would find helpful to know about your daughter. Have some
compassion for the woman who ended up with the pitiful excuse
for a man who is now your ex.
You could send a list of factual information that SO might need,
like your daughter's best friend's address and phone number. If
I were a new step, I would really appreciate your sending your
daughter's favorite toy, books, videos.
I think the single most important thing my ex's SO did was trust
me. She acted as though, she was sure she would find a
reasonable person on the other end of the phone. There was no
way she got that from my ex.
David and Dionne Kane wrote:
>