Need advice: my daughter hates her step-dad
Grace F Rohrer
Hi,
After 12 years of a very troubled marriage, and having one daughter.
I finally moved out and agreed to joint/shared custody of our then
8 year old daughter. My daughter spends roughly half her time
with me, and half her time with her father.
6 months after I moved out, I started dating a wonderful man. He
loves kids, and really enjoys doing things any kid should enjoy--
flying kites, building model trains, basketball, frisbee, bicycling,
watching kid's basketball and soccer games. He is kind, even-tempered,
and never raises his voice. The complete opposite of my ex in
so many ways. We married after a year of dating, when my daughter
was 10, and included my daughter and her friends in the ceremony, treated
the honeymoon as a family vacation and took her along.
And she hates her step-dad. I've had her and us in since counselling about
a month after we were married. My husband has done nothing to deserve
the wrath my daughter exhibits twoards him. He doesn't monopolize my
time--in fact when she is with us, *she* monopolizes my time: needing
extrodinary amounts of help and supervision when she does her home
work--expecting me to cook her separate meals because she doesn't
like what he or I have cooked. She tells him she hates him to his
face, and yells and screams and carries on. She refuses to play in
soccer games if he shows up to watch--storming off the field and causing
a scened. (And she LOVES soccer and is quite good at it. She
claims he distracts her, and she can't play a good game with him
there. When we were first dating, he came to games, and she was fine
with it.)
My ex remarried a few weeks before I married. He basically took his
on-again off-again girlfriend down to the courthouse, and married without
even telling the kids (his and hers) in advance. He showed up with
his new family in tow at my daughter's birthday party--late. She left
the party with them, and that evening he told her they were married.
He made her give up her bedroom in the house so his step-son could have
it, and she now shares a tiny bedroom with her step-sister. Her step
mom went through all my daughter's stuff and threw tons of it out--
without consulting my daughter or even offering her to let her bring it
to my house!! Her step-mom screams at her constantly, expects her to
do the lion's share of housework and chores. One of the step-siblings
is failing school, and my daughter gets screamed at when she brings
home her report card with mostly A's and a few B's. Yet my daughter
claims she "likes" her stepmom, and would rather spend time with
her and her kids....
Something's backwards here. The counsellor won't hear a word against
my ex and his new wife...I can understand she probably thinks I'm
the jealous ex-wife or something. But still...my ex shows up to
one counselling session and puts on his concerned father, Mr. Wonderful
act...and the counsellor won't even discuss maybe some of my daughter's
problems are *his* fault. My daughter even ADMITS her dad ignores her--
that when she's at his house, she gets booted out of the house and told
to play were her friends.
So why is she so unwilling to accept the attention my husband is willing
to give her? It's really starting to hurt his feelings, and my feelings???
He states often he wishes that he *were* her father--and I don't blame
my daughter for resenting such a strong statement from him. But she
won't even let him be a friend, or even get as close as she lets
her teachers or her friend's parents. Any activity or event he
suggests we do as a family, she immediatly vetoes, and proclaims
stupid. If we force her to go along, she complains and carries on
the whole time, not even giving it a try--so it is no fun for anyone!
Today she opted to NOT go to her school picnic at a local amusement
park, rather than have to go with my husband. That really
hurt. And now I'm starting to have a hard time dealing with all of
this. She has a soccer tournement coming up--it's a BIG DEAL...and
she flatly refuses to play if her step-dad shows up to cheer her
and her team on. (While it's just peachie-keen OK if her step-mom
and step-siblings come...) She said she's rather not have *me*
there if it meant her step-dad would come too....
While counselling has made some progress in 7 months...we aren't
getting ANYWHERE on alot of issues. Is it time to find another
counsellor?
HELP!
Grace
mer...@hotmail.com
Is it at all possible that your daughter wishes her dad were half as
attentive as your husband, and feels guilty for this, and compensates by
acting as if she hates your husband? Maybe she hates how he shows more
desire to father?
At any rate, you might try backing off a bit -- she doesn't want your husband
at a soccer match? Perhaps he should say "well, I'd really like to see you
play, but if you'd rather I didn't come, I'll stay home this time" -- go
ahead and give a bit, and see if that helps.
Sometimes kids are like cats -- you have to sit back and wait for them to come
to you.
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Kelly215
>From: Grace F Rohrer <gd...@andrew.cmu.edu>
>Date: Mon, Jun 8, 1998 12:58 EDT
>Message-id: <YpT1V9u00...@andrew.cmu.edu>
Grace:
First let me say that I certainly don't have all the answers and have made my
own HUGE mistakes......but, is it possible that because your ex has not given
your daughter a choice, he's just pretty much said "This is something you have
to accept and I won't hear anything about it", while maybe (and I am trying to
tread very gently here!!!) you and your husband are trying SOO hard to get your
daughter to accept him and like him. I really believe kids look for limits and
maybe your daughter is waiting for you to say, "Enough! This is my husband.
You don't have to like him or accept him, but I will not tolerate this bad
behavior anymore. You WILL be respectful to him - you don't have to be overly
nice, but you won't talk to him in a disrepectful manner anymore." Believe me,
I know how hard it is to get kids to behave (I have 2, one 18 and one 21). I'm
not saying it would be easy, but you wouldn't allow her to talk or act this way
with any other adults, would you?
I can already feel the flames coming!!!
Kelly
Vicki Robinson
In a previous article, Grace F Rohrer <gd...@andrew.cmu.edu> said:
>
>While counselling has made some progress in 7 months...we aren't
>getting ANYWHERE on alot of issues. Is it time to find another
>counsellor?
>
My God, YES! Sometimes you have to go through several counselors to
get a good fit, and it sure sounds like you are overdue! I have only
one small reservation, and only you can decide how valid it is. I'm
not judging you, since I don't know you. But the counselor may feel
that you are heaping *all* of the responsibility for your daughter's
actions on her biodad and refusing to see that you and your husband
may also play a part in her problem, and may be trying to get you to
look at the things that you can control, rather than the things, like
the biodad and his new family, that you can't. It really *is* kind of
useless to point at him, as culpable as he may be, and it sounds like
he's a real loser; you can't change that situation, so the counselor
may only be trying to direct you to look at aspects over which you
*do* have control. But, as I say, only you can know if this might be
true or not. In any case, stop using the way things are at her
biodad's as a defense of your own family situation. You already know
that it doesn't work, and you've allowed her to put you on the
defensive. As long as you point out how much better things are for
her at your place compared to Dad's, she's got you on the run. You
don't need the comparison; you and your husband have established your
own household, and it is what it is, and it's the one you want and the
one that you think is good for all of you. That's all that matters;
the biodad is irrelevant.
My other suggestion, and it may be a really bad one, so I'd like to
hear dissenting opinions, is to let her have what she wants for a
while. Back off, don't try to cajole or force her to accept her
stepdad at her school or sports functions, things that center around
her. For family things, give her a choice of coming with the two of
you or not, and find a sitter for her if she opts out. Don't argue;
when she says "I'm not going if he's going!" just say, "OK, I'll call
Sally to come sit for you while we go to the picnic. But if you
change your mind, you're welcome to join us." You rob her of a lot of
the power of her behavior if you let her make those decisions, and
then she is forced to face the consequence. She doesn't get to do
something that's fun, *and* she doesn't get to be the center of
attention by making a scene.
When she does make scenes, give her a time out. Not a punishing one,
just quietly and kindly inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and
that she'll have to stay in her room if she wants to scream. She can
come out when she finishes screaming and is ready to talk calmly.
No expression, no anger in your voice, just put her in her room and lock
the door if you can. I have stood outside my daughter's room while she
raged inside, holding onto the knob so she couldn't get out, listening
to her scream and throw her pillow and stuffed animals around. It hurt
like hell to hear, but it only took a couple of those events before she
learned two things: One, she couldn't push me around by having a tantrum.
The only reaction was that she was deprived of an audience. Two, when
you're really really out-of-control angry (which is a valid feeling),
it's all right to go away someplace and scream that you wish everyone were
dead and that you hate them forever. They won't actually die, and you'll
feel better for having vented, and then you can come out and discuss the
problem a little more rationally. My younger daughter, who has a temper,
still does this when she gets really angry; she goes to her room, cries
and yells for a while, pounds her pillow, and then, when she's feeling
calmer, comes on out and we talk about the problem. She's allowed to
be angry, but she's not allowed to act on it in a destructive way.
I think you're doing the right thing in standing by your husband, by
the way, and you need to keep reinforcing his position in your life.
She might not want him as a stepfather, but he's her mother's husband
and is therefore part of the family, whether she likes it or not. You
have to be serene in that belief. Counter her anger with acceptance of
the fact that she's angry, but also with the assurance that your
husband is your husband and will be forever, and that nothing she can
say or do will change that. Be quietly confident of that fact, dont'
make it a challenge, just a fact.
Good luck. I hope some of this has been helpful to you; please post
again, and let us know what's happening.
Vicki
--
Visit our wedding at http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/wedding.html and
sign our guest book! The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can
be found at http://www.urbanlegends.com. Take a look, if you
have a week to spare.
Maddy
No flame here. I agree that this child is behaving unacceptably (yelling and
screaming and carrying on and telling someone she hates him) and this behaviour
would probably not be accepted under any other situation. For example, if she
behaved this way in school to her teacher, would that be ok? Probably not, so it
should not be tolerated when she does it to your husband.
However...
It sounds as if both you and your husband are dictating how the relationship
between your daughter and your husband ought to be. She can never be forced to love
or even like her step-dad. Do not expect that, you will be disappointed.
Therefore, your husband should consider backing off a bit and being a little less
involved in her life.
Maddy
Kelly215
>From: vjr...@canoe.xcski.com (Vicki Robinson)
>Date: Mon, Jun 8, 1998 14:15 EDT
>Message-id: <6lh9nt$4f8$1...@canoe.xcski.com>
>>getting ANYWHERE on alot of issues. Is it time to find another
>>counsellor?
>>
>
Vicki -
I know you asked for "dissenting" opinions, but I have to say, I thought your
advice about the time-out was excellent. You are not forcing something on the
child, but you're also reinforcing that the behavior won't be tolerated.
Hats off to you!
Kelly
Cathy Cameron
Hi Grace,
I'm going to open the proverbial can of worms here,,,,but,,,,
tell you daughter that you love her, and she can go live with her dad. As
an adult, you don't have to take the crap of a (I'm doing math here) 11
year old. You love your husband, and he seems perfect for you. Maybe a
bit of tough love from you will get her to realize how decent her step dad
is. I had the same problem with my son. We share custody the same as
you,(week/week) and I got tired of my son's bad atitude (he's 11) I sent
him to his dad's, told him to smarten up and after a week without me and
his step dad, he was calling to ask if we could go back to the regular
custody arrangement. I laid down the law,,,no disrespect to SD, no bull,
nothing but nice, resppect and help. Seven months later, SD takes my son
fishing, and they have a good relationship. Tough love works sometimes.
Cathy
Grace F Rohrer <gd...@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote in article
<YpT1V9u00...@andrew.cmu.edu>...
> Hi,
>
> After 12 years of a very troubled marriage, and having one daughter.
> I finally moved out and agreed to joint/shared custody of our then
> 8 year old daughter. My daughter spends roughly half her time
> with me, and half her time with her father.
>
> won't even let him be a friend, or
>
> HELP!
> Grace
>
>
AGENTDBL07
>First let me say that I certainly don't have all the answers and have made my
>own HUGE mistakes......but, is it possible that because your ex has not given
>your daughter a choice, he's just pretty much said "This is something you
>have
>to accept and I won't hear anything about it", while maybe (and I am trying
>to
>tread very gently here!!!) you and your husband are trying SOO hard to get
>your
>daughter to accept him and like him. I really believe kids look for limits
>and
>maybe your daughter is waiting for you to say, "Enough! This is my husband.
>You don't have to like him or accept him, but I will not tolerate this bad
>behavior anymore. You WILL be respectful to him - you don't have to be
>overly
>nice, but you won't talk to him in a disrepectful manner anymore." Believe
>me,
>I know how hard it is to get kids to behave (I have 2, one 18 and one 21).
>I'm
>not saying it would be easy, but you wouldn't allow her to talk or act this
>way
>with any other adults, would you?
>
>I can already feel the flames coming!!!
>
>
who is now divorcing because of a similar situation, it is paramont that
parents and steps present a unified front. If you continue to allow her to
treat your husband this way, that will become the standard for their
relationship and will be very hard to break. Your husband may begin to resent
it - believe me, it is incredibly painful.
Whatever you do, deal with the problem. It will not go away and will compound
daily if you do nothing.
Good luck,
Christine
"I'm debating between buying a dog or having a child. I can't decide whether to
ruin my carpet... or ruin my life."
Rita Rudner
Donna L. Cornwell
Grace F Rohrer wrote:
> Hi,
>
> After 12 years of a very troubled marriage, and having one daughter.
> I finally moved out and agreed to joint/shared custody of our then
> 8 year old daughter. My daughter spends roughly half her time
> with me, and half her time with her father.
> <snip>
> And she hates her step-dad. I've had her and us in since counselling about
> a month after we were married. My husband has done nothing to deserve
> the wrath my daughter exhibits twoards him. He doesn't monopolize my
> time--in fact when she is with us, *she* monopolizes my time: needing
> extrodinary amounts of help and supervision when she does her home
> work--expecting me to cook her separate meals because she doesn't
> like what he or I have cooked. She tells him she hates him to his
> face, and yells and screams and carries on. She refuses to play in
> soccer games if he shows up to watch--storming off the field and causing
> a scened. (And she LOVES soccer and is quite good at it. She
> claims he distracts her, and she can't play a good game with him
> there. When we were first dating, he came to games, and she was fine
> with it.)
>
Your daughter is having a great time controlling you. Stop letting her lead
you around by the nose. If she doesn't like what you have cooked, let her
either make herself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or go without. Have her do
her homework alone and no TV, games or other privileges until she has completed
homework satisfactorily. If she can't tolerate her step-dad's presence at
events then she can just skip the event. She can drop out of soccer, picnics
and all school activities until she can manage to be polite to your husband.
You husband is a human being not a doormat for your daughter. She is just a
kid, the more you cajole and give in to her, the more she will try to get her
way.
> My ex remarried a few weeks before I married. He basically took his
> on-again off-again girlfriend down to the courthouse, and married without
> even telling the kids (his and hers) in advance
You cannot control what goes on at her father's house. If she is not being
abused and you don't have any reason to fear for her safety, then just let it
go. You need to focus on what is going on at your house. You CAN control
what happens in your own home, work on that.
> While counselling has made some progress in 7 months...we aren't
> getting ANYWHERE on alot of issues. Is it time to find another
> counsellor?
If you are not relating well to the counselor, then you should look for another
one. But I think it would be a waste of your money to pay someone to
commiserate with you over the way the dad and step-mom are acting. I think you
can make great progress with your daughter if you stop allowing her to run your
house with her tantrums. Divorce is difficult and she is probably taking out
all of her unhappiness at your house. But mostly she is doing this to you
because she CAN do it. Don't let her. Leave her with a sitter and go out and
have fun with her husband. She'll be left out and she won't have an audience.
Donna
the SUBurban Nightmare
Donna L. Cornwell
I disagree with the step-dad staying home from the soccer match. It is not an
intensely personal thing to watch a soccer match. It's not the same as if she
only had two tickets to graduation or she wanted her dad to walk her down the
aisle. Why should she be allowed to tell him whether he can attend what is
essientially a public event?
Donna
the SUBurban Nightmare
janelaw
Vicki Robinson wrote:
>
> snip
>
> My other suggestion, and it may be a really bad one, so I'd like to
> hear dissenting opinions, is to let her have what she wants for a
> while. Back off, don't try to cajole or force her to accept her
> stepdad at her school or sports functions, things that center around
> the power of her behavior if you let her make those decisions, and
> then she is forced to face the consequence. She doesn't get to do
> something that's fun, *and* she doesn't get to be the center of
> attention by making a scene.
>
> When she does make scenes, give her a time out. Not a punishing one,
> just quietly and kindly inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and
> that she'll have to stay in her room if she wants to scream. She can
> come out when she finishes screaming and is ready to talk calmly.
> No expression, no anger in your voice, just put her in her room and lock
> be angry, but she's not allowed to act on it in a destructive way.
Partial dissent, with a twist. Pick your battles. You cannot
(and should not) be working so hard to change how your daughter
FEELS. Concentrate on teaching her how she should act on those
feelings. Time out for rage is a great idea, but you have to
leave her alone until she is ready to come out. You can't
follow her into her room after a half hour and try to make her
like your husband again.
Your daughter has you by the short hairs and she knows it. As
long as you and SD focus on trying to get her to like and accept
him, you let her control the relationship. And she is learning
to control relationships through withdrawal of affection and
through abuse. So let it go. Accept her resentment of SD. But
refuse to tolerate abusive language and behavior. Basically,
she gets to hate her stepfather, she does not get to treat him
like dirt.
Regarding school and sports, I agree you should let your
daughter make the decisions, but I am not as nice as Vicki. I
would call her bluff and let her miss the tournament. I
certainly would not go without my husband. I do not believe for
one moment that her soccer tournament is more important to her
than your marriage is to you.
In the future, I totally endorse the suggestion that you
continue to make family plans and let your daughter choose to
participate or not. I also think that you should spend time
with her alone. Just be firm and make it clear to your child
that she can only choose to exclude herself from family outings,
not your husband.
Cathy Cameron
Cathy Cameron <cat...@csolve.net> wrote in article
<01bd93b5$5bea7e60$28692fce@default>...
> Hi Grace,
> I'm going to open the proverbial can of worms here,,,,but,,,,
> tell you daughter that you love her, and she can go live with her dad.
As
> an adult, you don't have to take the crap of a (I'm doing math here) 11
> year old. You love your husband, and he seems perfect for you. Maybe a
> bit of tough love from you will get her to realize how decent her step
dad
> is. I had the same problem with my son. We share custody the same as
> you,(week/week) and I got tired of my son's bad atitude (he's 11) I sent
> him to his dad's, told him to smarten up and after a week without me and
> his step dad, he was calling to ask if we could go back to the regular
> custody arrangement. I laid down the law,,,no disrespect to SD, no bull,
> nothing but nice, resppect and help. Seven months later, SD takes my son
> fishing, and they have a good relationship. Tough love works sometimes.
> Cathy
>
> Grace F Rohrer <gd...@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote in article
> <YpT1V9u00...@andrew.cmu.edu>...
>
>
> > Hi,
> >
> > After 12 years of a very troubled marriage, and having one daughter.
> > I finally moved out and agreed to joint/shared custody of our then
> > 8 year old daughter. My daughter spends roughly half her time
> > with me, and half her time with her father.
> >
Grace F Rohrer
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 8-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by Ma...@fhcrc.org
> It sounds as if both you and your husband are dictating how the relationship
> between your daughter and your husband ought to be. She can never be
forced to
> love
> or even like her step-dad. Do not expect that, you will be disappointed.
I've long ago given up her ever admitting she could like him just a little
bit. And yet, on occasion--she's bounced right up to him and started
wrestling with him, or she's asked him for piggy back rides...it
can be positively schizophrenic.
> Therefore, your husband should consider backing off a bit and being a
little l
> ess
> involved in her life.
She refuses to take meals with us. She refuses to ride in the car
with him. The only way he can be less involved is if he moves out.
It's been tough. Let me tell you.
Grace (the original poster of this thread.)
Grace F Rohrer
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 8-Jun-98 Re: Need
> get a good fit, and it sure sounds like you are overdue! I have only
> one small reservation, and only you can decide how valid it is. I'm
> not judging you, since I don't know you. But the counselor may feel
> that you are heaping *all* of the responsibility for your daughter's
> actions on her biodad and refusing to see that you and your husband
> may also play a part in her problem,
No, I know my husband is having a very hard time "backing off"--some
nights I'm just exhausted from sending them to opposite corners of
the house. It's so discouraging because it's been going on for 7
months now, with little improvement. No matter what I try.
and may be trying to get you to
> look at the things that you can control, rather than the things, like
> the biodad and his new family, that you can't. It really *is* kind of
> useless to point at him, as culpable as he may be, and it sounds like
> he's a real loser; you can't change that situation, so the counselor
> may only be trying to direct you to look at aspects over which you
> *do* have control.
Sometimes I feel like everything I'm trying is being completely
undermined at the biodad's house. My daughter comes back from there
wound up, hungry, exhausted and screaming. It typically takes an
intensive 24-hours of letting her scream, getting her fed, getting
her to sleep before I'm dealing with a reasonable child again. All
she has to do, is say the word, and I'll drag us all into court to sue
for sole custody--but she loves her dad, and it would make her
very understandably angry with me if I made any move to limit the
time she spends with him.
I know I'm just whining with this...I have no control over what
goes on at the biodads, and he has made himself very scarce as far
as coming to any kind of counselling for his daughter.
> My other suggestion, and it may be a really bad one, so I'd like to
> hear dissenting opinions, is to let her have what she wants for a
> while. Back off, don't try to cajole or force her to accept her
> stepdad at her school or sports functions, things that center around
> her.
The only way we can back off anymore is if I make my husband move
out! She doesn't take meals with us, and telling her she'll have
to go hungry doesn't wash--she calls her dad and wails how we
aren't feeding her. She won't ride in the car if my husband is
there.
> For family things, give her a choice of coming with the two of
> you or not, and find a sitter for her if she opts out. Don't argue;
> when she says "I'm not going if he's going!" just say, "OK, I'll call
> Sally to come sit for you while we go to the picnic. But if you
> change your mind, you're welcome to join us." You rob her of a lot of
> the power of her behavior if you let her make those decisions, and
> then she is forced to face the consequence. She doesn't get to do
> something that's fun, *and* she doesn't get to be the center of
> attention by making a scene.
And time and time again I'm forced to choose between my husband
and my daughter. Quite frankly, I fall on the side of the "marriage
comes first" crowd--and the strength and support from the marriage
is what makes you able to deal with the never-ending demands of the
children. But everytime I choose my husband first--it's shutting
my daughter out a little more, and she knows it.
> When she does make scenes, give her a time out. Not a punishing one,
> just quietly and kindly inform her that her behavior is unacceptable and
> that she'll have to stay in her room if she wants to scream.
And she complains to her biodad and the counsellor that we send her to
her room all the time, and she never gets to come out. :( She
screams so much, that an instant time out for each yelling and
screaming incident has landed her in her room for nights and nights
on end.
When the screaming finally subsides--then it's the remarks to my
husband: "I wish you were dead. You're ugly. You don't dress right.
You're stupid."...on and on...
Thanks for your coments, I have tried all your suggestions, and just
wish I'd seen some improvements for my efforts.
Grace
Grace F Rohrer
Hi Kelly,
No flames from me. I need to hear about all my different options, because
all the ones I've tried so far, just don't seem to be working.
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 8-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by Kell...@aol.com
> First let me say that I certainly don't have all the answers and have made my
> own HUGE mistakes......but, is it possible that because your ex has not given
> your daughter a choice, he's just pretty much said "This is something
you have
>
> to accept and I won't hear anything about it",
Yes, well the counsellor made it quite clear it's better to keep the
child communicating, not have her shut down and stew. She basically
shuts down and stews about her biodad's house--I will hear about
incidents weeks and weeks later--way too long after the fact to discuss
them with her biodad...
So, I've tried the letting her vent without comment for a few minutes
and then putting my foot down and telling her I understand how she
feels, but it isn't going to change things and I've heard enough for
now.
It's exhausting. I feel like I'm walking tightropes with this kid
all the time.
Grace
Grace F Rohrer
Hi and thanks...
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 8-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by mer...@hotmail.com
> Is it at all possible that your daughter wishes her dad were half as
> attentive as your husband, and feels guilty for this, and compensates by
> acting as if she hates your husband? Maybe she hates how he shows more
> desire to father?
I'm sure this comes into play.
> At any rate, you might try backing off a bit -- she doesn't want your husband
> at a soccer match?
My husband hasn't attended any of her school functions or soccer matches
since the beginning of the year. She won't join us at the dinner table,
and now she carries on like holy heck if he goes in the car somewhere
with us!
> Sometimes kids are like cats -- you have to sit back and wait for them
to come
>
> to you.
The counsellor uses the cat anology all the time. I don't know how
the 'cat' will ever come to him, if he were to back off any further,
he'd be moving out of the house!
Grace
Grace F Rohrer
Hi Donna,
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 9-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by "Donna L. Cornwell"@glob
> Your daughter is having a great time controlling you.
Yes, alot of it does feel like she's enjoying the control.
> Stop letting her lead
> you around by the nose. If she doesn't like what you have cooked, let her
> either make herself a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or go without.
And she calls her dad and whines how we don't feed her, or how there's
nothing she likes to eat in the house (when she accompanied me to the
store and picked out what she wanted!) and she turns around and tells
the counsellor all this too.
> Have her do
>
> her homework alone and no TV, games or other privileges until she has
complete
> d
> homework satisfactorily.
> If she can't tolerate her step-dad's presence at
> events then she can just skip the event. She can drop out of soccer, picnics
> and all school activities until she can manage to be polite to your husband.
> You husband is a human being not a doormat for your daughter.
You are absolutely right. And at this point, my daughter is giving me
no choice but to abandon her or abandon him. There seems to be no
compromise! This child can't be adandonned either--her biodad has
already done an excellent job of that!
> She is just a
> kid, the more you cajole and give in to her, the more she will try to get her
> way.
>
> > My ex remarried a few weeks before I married. He basically took his
> > on-again off-again girlfriend down to the courthouse, and married without
> > even telling the kids (his and hers) in advance
>
> You cannot control what goes on at her father's house. If she is not being
> abused and you don't have any reason to fear for her safety, then just let it
> go. You need to focus on what is going on at your house. You CAN control
> what happens in your own home, work on that.
>
> > While counselling has made some progress in 7 months...we aren't
> > getting ANYWHERE on alot of issues. Is it time to find another
> > counsellor?
>
> If you are not relating well to the counselor, then you should look
for anothe
> r
> one. But I think it would be a waste of your money to pay someone to
> commiserate with you over the way the dad and step-mom are acting.
I would like a counsellor who would lay it on the line with the biodad.
> I think yo
> u
> can make great progress with your daughter if you stop allowing her to
run you
> r
> house with her tantrums. Divorce is difficult and she is probably taking out
> all of her unhappiness at your house.
I agree with you on this 100% -- the only safe place she has to 'vent'
is at my house.
> But mostly she is doing this to you
> because she CAN do it. Don't let her.
and I don't know how to stop her, without shutting her down completely
and shutting her out! (She has spent nights on end in her room on
"time outs"...she's stubborn, I'll tell you!)
> Leave her with a sitter and go out and
> have fun with her husband. She'll be left out and she won't have an
audience.
Thanks for your thoughts Donna. It does give me more perspective.
Grace
Grace F Rohrer
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 9-Jun-98 Re: Need
> I'm going to open the proverbial can of worms here,,,,but,,,,
> tell you daughter that you love her, and she can go live with her dad. As
> an adult, you don't have to take the crap of a (I'm doing math here) 11
> year old. You love your husband, and he seems perfect for you. Maybe a
> bit of tough love from you will get her to realize how decent her step dad
> is. I had the same problem with my son. We share custody the same as
> you,(week/week) and I got tired of my son's bad atitude (he's 11) I sent
> him to his dad's, told him to smarten up and after a week without me and
> his step dad, he was calling to ask if we could go back to the regular
> custody arrangement. I laid down the law,,,no disrespect to SD, no bull,
> nothing but nice, resppect and help. Seven months later, SD takes my son
> fishing, and they have a good relationship. Tough love works sometimes.
> Cathy
her biodad refuses to have more than half-time custody. Her stepmom
also has screamed on more than one occasion (in my daughter's
hearing)..."I don't want that f**king child here...she's supposed to
spend time at her f**king mothers...."
her biodad routinely gets her to school late (thank goodness for
summer vacation!), doesn't help her with her homework, and has let
her go without meals, sleep, supervision....
I do agree I need to sent more boundaries for the child--maybe after
letting her 'vent' for a few minutes...
Thanks for the suggestion--"tough love" has crossed my mind more than
a few times...
Grace
Grace F Rohrer
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 9-Jun-98 Re: Need
> who is now divorcing because of a similar situation, it is paramont that
> parents and steps present a unified front. If you continue to allow her to
> treat your husband this way, that will become the standard for their
> relationship and will be very hard to break. Your husband may begin to resent
> it - believe me, it is incredibly painful.
>
> Whatever you do, deal with the problem. It will not go away and will compound
> daily if you do nothing.
>
> Good luck,
>
> Christine
Thanks Christine,
I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce.
Yes, I run the risk in pampering the child, of losing the husband.
So far I'm very lucky in that he's had the patience of saint and
been incredibly supportive. Yet, I don't dare ignore or get too
tough with the child--it's a real tightrope at times...
Yes, the problem is not going away, and I'm doing everything I can
and looking for MORE suggestions in how to deal with it!
Grace
Maddy
Grace F Rohrer wrote:
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 8-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by Ma...@fhcrc.org
> However...
> It sounds as if both you and your husband are dictating how the relationship
> between your daughter and your husband ought to be. She can never be
forced to
> love
> or even like her step-dad. Do not expect that, you will be disappointed.
I've long ago given up her ever admitting she could like him just a little
bit. And yet, on occasion--she's bounced right up to him and started
wrestling with him, or she's asked him for piggy back rides...it
can be positively schizophrenic.
> Therefore, your husband should consider backing off a bit and being a
little l
> ess
> involved in her life.She refuses to take meals with us. She refuses to ride in the car
with him. The only way he can be less involved is if he moves out.It's been tough. Let me tell you.
I'm sure it has been. Her behavior is a bit extreme and I would encourage you to not put up with it. If she refuses to take meals with you, then do not feed her breakfast, lunch and/or dinner until she is ready to eat with the rest of the family. As for riding in the car, you obviously can't leave her at home alone, so if you all need to go somewhere, I'd physically pick her up and put her in the car. I think that she has gotten away with a lot and needs to be shown that it will not be tolerated any longer.
You may consider saying that it's fine if she doesn't want to be involved with her step-dad, but that she will not control how life is run in your household. I am a step-mother to two boys (7 and 5). The older boy and I have had our moments, to say the least. Initially, my husband felt caught in the middle. Plus, only seeing his sons every other weekend made him unwilling to "put his foot down" with them, so (in my opinion) the boys got away with a lot. It put a tremendous amount of stress on my relationship with the kids and with my husband. We went to a counselor briefly, but long enough to learn that there needed to be a united front and that my husband and I needed to support eachother no matter what. After my step-son saw that my husband was not going to allow him to treat me disrespectfully and not allow him to manipulate and control things while he stayed with us, everyone got along a lot better.
I understand that your daughter is in a difficult position, torn between two families. However, I also believe she is looking for limits and the sooner you provide them, the better it will be for all concerned.
Good luck,
Maddy
lilblakdog
Grace F Rohrer <gd...@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote in article
<MpTdYnS00...@andrew.cmu.edu>...
> She doesn't take meals with us, and telling her she'll have
> to go hungry doesn't wash--she calls her dad and wails how we
> aren't feeding her.
>
> ...
>
> And she complains to her biodad and the counsellor that we send her to
> her room all the time, and she never gets to come out. :( She
> screams so much, that an instant time out for each yelling and
> screaming incident has landed her in her room for nights and nights
> on end.
I'm a little confused, Grace. You said that your ex-husband doesn't want
your daughter any more than he has her...so what difference does it make
that she whines to him?
I hope that doesn't sound critical, because I really feel for you and you
sound like you're doing everything you can think of to have some peace in
your household. I can certainly respect that! However, if your ex has no
intention of suing you for custody then I can't see why it matters how much
she complains to him. You can just tell him that if he has a problem with
it, he can take her a little more often himself because you're doing
everything you can.
Now I'm the first to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about here,
so feel free to argue the feasability of that. First of all, I'm Canadian
and we don't have the strict anti-punishment rules that the United States
(well...actually I'm only assuming your American) seems to have. Second,
we have a happy family with a very civil relationship with the bio-mom and
her husband. So I have no basis for my suggestion except what seems to me
to be a logical solution.
I know that you said that you send her to her room a lot, but you also said
that you don't want her to think that you're turning your back on her. If
you keep shoving down her throat the fact that you love her and that you
aren't going anywhere but that you cannot have her making everyone so
unhappy, eventually she'll wise up to that. Take it from someone who
probably spent more than two-thirds of her childhood crying in her room! I
suffer from depression and still throw the occasional tantrum (yup...even
at 27) but I understand how irrational they are now--regardless of whether
or not I can fully control them--and know that I have to seperate myself
from people until I can calm down. Your daughter will realize that too,
eventually. Remember that she's probably expecting that you'll get sick of
her eventually, too, and is just trying to make it as quick and painless as
possible...it won't hurt if she doesn't care about her relationship with
you and your husband, right?
Perhaps you might think about splurging a bit and spending a little money
on some intellectual-type books to stick in her room, as well as some craft
supplies or something. Ever since I was a kid, when I felt myself start to
get irritated or tense, I liked to sew or do needlework...it gave me
something else to think about and the gorgeous pictures I produced (sorry
if that sounds immodest) contributed a lot to my self-esteem. Don't think
of it as rewarding bad behavior, although it may sound a little like that.
Think of it as offering her other outlets for her feelings. Also, if you
haven't tried this, you might think of arranging some mother-daughter
outings. Talk to her one on one about how she feels and let her know that
she's allowed to say whatever she wants and you're not going to get angry
with her. Then just listen to everything she's saying and see if she has
some ideas that might make life a little more bearable for all of you (you
know, the ideas that don't include throwing the husband out!).
Sorry if this has gotten a little long winded. Good luck and please keep
us posted!
lil
za...@hotmail.com
Grace wrote: <<<Yes, I run the risk in pampering the child, of losing the
husband. So far I'm very lucky in that he's had the patience of saint and
been incredibly supportive. Yet, I don't dare ignore or get too tough with
the child--it's a real tightrope at times...>>>
Grace,
I know you love your daughter, and your husband, and you are trying your
best to balance all interests, here, but I would, at this point, have
to regrettably conclude that my daughter was becoming a TYRANT in the
home. Perhaps it is time, now, to firmly and lovingly insist that
your daughter accept reality, and treat your husband, and YOU, with
respect. She has a right not to love him, but she does NOT have the
right to treat him, or your marriage, with such disrespect. If she
won't have dinner with you, perhaps you should NOT feed her seperately.
She has to learn that she is not permitted to dictate to the adults in
her home.
Good luck, I know how tough this is!!!!
Zan
Grace F Rohrer
Hi!
Excerpts from netnews.alt.support.step-parents: 11-Jun-98 Re: Need
advice: my daughte.. by "lilblakdog"@my-dejanews
> > She doesn't take meals with us, and telling her she'll have
> > to go hungry doesn't wash--she calls her dad and wails how we
> > aren't feeding her.
> >
> > ...
> >
> > And she complains to her biodad and the counsellor that we send her to
> > her room all the time, and she never gets to come out. :( She
> > screams so much, that an instant time out for each yelling and
> > screaming incident has landed her in her room for nights and nights
> > on end.
>
> I'm a little confused, Grace. You said that your ex-husband doesn't want
> your daughter any more than he has her...so what difference does it make
> that she whines to him?
Well...someone called child and youth services on us once. That was
a very tense 48 hours until they got back to me, confirmed that we
already were in counselling and they seemed VERY understanding of
how the authorities often get used in custody fight situations. I finally
reached a place of peace where I thought--*please* let the authorities
come in--maybe they could tell me something ELSE to try! And I *really*
would love to have her biodad's house held under the magnifying glass
too.
> I hope that doesn't sound critical, because I really feel for you and you
> sound like you're doing everything you can think of to have some peace in
> your household. I can certainly respect that! However, if your ex has no
> intention of suing you for custody
Well, he's a lawyer, and he can march me into court at the drop of a hat--
although he says he won't do that... and he hasn't to this point...
> then I can't see why it matters how much
> she complains to him. You can just tell him that if he has a problem with
> it, he can take her a little more often himself because you're doing
> everything you can.
It's a threat I don't want to have to follow up on--the biodad's second
wife has screamed in the hearing of my daughter on more than one
occasion "I don't want the f**cking child around...she's supposed to
be at her f**cking mothers..." How can I in any kind of good conscience
send a child into that--when my husband says continually not to send
her away, to keep her with us as much as possible!
> Now I'm the first to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about here,
> so feel free to argue the feasability of that. First of all, I'm Canadian
> and we don't have the strict anti-punishment rules that the United States
> (well...actually I'm only assuming your American) seems to have.
Yes, I'm American, and at age 10 she's getting a bit big to turn her
over my knee for a good spanking--although there are times...
I've never resorted to physical punishment with my daughter, so I'm hoping
I never have to.
> Second,
> we have a happy family with a very civil relationship with the bio-mom and
> her husband. So I have no basis for my suggestion except what seems to me
> to be a logical solution.
I do my best to keep a civil relationship with my ex. It's in our daughter's
best interest. I pray I never have to go to court because it will become
very ugly, very fast.
> I know that you said that you send her to her room a lot, but you also said
> that you don't want her to think that you're turning your back on her. If
> you keep shoving down her throat the fact that you love her and that you
> aren't going anywhere but that you cannot have her making everyone so
> unhappy, eventually she'll wise up to that.
Oh I hope so.
> Perhaps you might think about splurging a bit and spending a little money
> on some intellectual-type books to stick in her room, as well as some craft
> supplies or something.
I've done my best to make her room comfortable--had her pick out her
own sheets and quilt. She has a million
unfinished projects and craft things--as well as her own TV. She refuses
to keep her room neat or clean. So what could be a very comfortable, private
safe place is just always a mess. I've straightened it for her many
times, and it just degenerates to another mess in 3 or 4 days. I've
decided not to fight that battle anymore, and she can choose to straighten
it if or when she wants.
> Think of it as offering her other outlets for her feelings. Also, if you
> haven't tried this, you might think of arranging some mother-daughter
> outings.
Done that. Will continue to do that. On these outings I get to see the
child that I know she is and can be...
> Talk to her one on one about how she feels and let her know that
> she's allowed to say whatever she wants and you're not going to get angry
> with her. Then just listen to everything she's saying and see if she has
> some ideas that might make life a little more bearable for all of you (you
> know, the ideas that don't include throwing the husband out!).
So far, she hasn't unhinged her brain enough to offer anymore suggestions
than getting rid of him. *sigh*
> Sorry if this has gotten a little long winded. Good luck and please keep
> us posted!
Thanks for your thoughts!
Grace
TYounger
Perhaps I'm a bit on the side of a tougher love scenario, but this sounds
ridiculous...
Here are some of my suggestions:
1. If she likes to call bio-dad and tell him how bad things are there, offer
to call him for her, and tell him first hand what is going on, and why she
is going hungry, in her room, whatever. That way she isn't playing you
against him, or vise versa.
2. Tell her that if she wants to go anywhere in the car, hubby is going to
be along...otherwise she can either not go, or walk.
3. Discuss with bio-dad the things that step-mom is saying. Those kind of
things are detrimental to the health of your daughter, and most certainly
are making her feel more alienated than she already is. Tell him that it is
emotional and verbal abuse of your daughter (which it is) and it will not be
tolerated. Also mention the negligence, and how all of these are unlawful.
Since you already said he will not have her more than 50% of the time (what
a crappy dad, for that and for letting step-mom be that way) tell him you
would be more than happy to have full custody.
4. Since bio-dad is not willing to have her more than 50% of the time, tell
him you cannot stand her behavior, and tell him she is subject to perhaps a
delinquency officer at your house. You already said CPS has been there
once. Instead of letting your neighbors call them, you call them, and tell
them you have a child who refuses to be civil. They are very good about
coming out and talking to the child, if nothing else, and scaring the snot
out of them as to what could possibly happen if they keep this behavior up.
(My mom did this to me, needless to say, it cleaned up my act immediately)
5. Tell her she can either be part of the family or not, no one is forcing
her to do anything. Also tell her that her actions have consequences. If
she doesn't want a meal, she doesn't eat...no separate menus. Children will
not starve themselves to death, believe me. If she does not want to behave
civilly around everyone else in the house, she can stay in her room. If her
room is a mess, and you see something constantly strewn across the floor,
tell her it will be put away until she is responsible enough to handle it.
This includes clothes. If she wants to act like a two-year old, treat her
like one. If you have to pick out her outfit each day, then do so. Take
away all her privileges, because that's what they are. Tell her when she
thinks she can handle something, she can let you know, and you may give it
back, conditionally. Good behavior is rewarded, bad is treated accordingly.
Make her work for her stuff. She sounds like a spoiled little princess in
her own private castle. You are the parent, not her, make that clear. She
does not get to make the rules, you do, and she has to obey them, whether
she likes it or not.
Also, you may want to share with her what everyone in the newsgroup has
said, kids are suprisingly absorbent of outside info, even when they act
like they aren't.
Most of all, when you do create rules and consequences for breaking them,
stick to it, no matter what.
Sorry for the length, and flame on, cause I know I'll probably get it.
TYounger
Grace F Rohrer wrote in message ...
Frankie
Hi Grace,
We meet again on a different news group!
Really sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having. I don't
have any advice to offer - only my own memories as a child of divorced
parents and a step child.
My parents split when I was nine. I was the only child and my mum left
my dad, taking me with her. I continued to see my dad once a week, and
in many ways my relationship with him improved because at last we had
a little dedicated time together.
What is wierd is that I never had any problems liking or accepting my
dad's girlfriends, and eventually my step mother who is now a great
friend and family resource to me and my kids. But I loathed each and
every man my mother associated with (there were two "friends" before
she remarried). this was not because of who they were or what they
did. It was on principle - and I don't know why. Someone has pointed
out to me since that children lose their original family unit when
their parents split, and if their parents remarry, they lose their new
single parent family as well. Why mum's new marriage should be more
threatening and painful than dad's I don't know. I resented
everything he did and said, I hated everything he liked, I just wanted
him out of the way so I could have my mother back. When they
eventually divorced when I was in my 20s, it was so lovely to visit
mum again and have our little family back at last.
Just my two cents worth, as you people say - not very encouraging I
know but might help you and your husband take your daughter's
behaviour less personally.
Frankie
London UK
SusanH9876
Hi, Grace
I have been following this thread with interest, not as a parent, but rather as
a stepparent of two children who have never any problem accepting me, but who
are having a great deal of difficulty with their new stepfather, who appears to
be a pretty terrific guy.
My stepson once said to me that he was so happy his dad was remarried because
he used to lie awake at night and worry about him being alone. :-) On the
other hand, he did not want his mother to remarry, because he felt that it
would take her away from him.
These kids already had one huge adjustment to make when their parents divorced;
they finally settled into their new family unit (just the three of them), when
along comes this "interloper." It does not matter how great of a guy he is,
they just don't want him THERE.
Hopefully this will help your dh see that he is not the problem. Your daughter
probably would have reacted this way to anyone.
As for your daughter's behavior, the only anecdotal experience I can offer is
this -- and don't laugh, because I'm not trying to be funny. It might seem odd,
but hopefully you will see my point.
For Christmas, my husband gave me the most beautiful, precious, wonderful
puppy, an 8-month old German Shepherd, whom I named Ilse. She was the cutest
thing I'd ever laid eyes on and I fell in love with her immediately.
Unfortunately, I could not bear to discipline her much...when I did, it was
rather half-hearted. She would just look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
and I would melt. My dh, on the other hand, has no problem keeping her in line.
A few months later, I end up with a BIG puppy who is still in the unruly puppy
stage, who knows she can play me like a fiddle -- and who does! I talk with a
trainer who says I have a dominance problem -- the dog is dominant and I have
to regain my place as LEADER of the pecking order. She was out of control
around me and when I tried, belatedly, to start disciplining her, she'd chew on
my hand, nip at my ankles or ignore me. My husband only had to LOOK at her and
she'd obey him I showered her with attention and affection, so it was "old
hat" to her; if my dh pets her for a minute, she's thrilled.
I have started working with her every day to gain control of her. It was a
painful transition for me, but it has begun to work. I learned that like
kids, even dogs RESPECT the person whose doling out the discipline. They need
boundaries, they need structure and they need to be disciplined when they don't
behave properly. And they are much happier when they understand what behavior
is acceptable.
While I can sympathize with what your daughter must be feeling, I agree with
the previous posters who advocated a more "tough love" approach.
Good luck. I know you must be at your wit's end some days!
Cathy Cameron
RIGHT ON BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TYounger <bo...@mindspring.net> wrote in article
<6lpmlr$so4$1...@camel19.mindspring.com>...
SusanH9876
For Christmas, my husband gave me the most beautiful, precious, wonderful
puppy, an 8-month old German Shepherd, whom I named Ilse. She was the cutest
thing I'd ever laid eyes on and I fell in love with her immediately.
LOL...I meant 8 WEEK old puppy!
Northrnwmn
>Frankie wrote:
Someone has pointed
>out to me since that children lose their original family unit when
>their parents split, and if their parents remarry, they lose their new
>single parent family as well.
I am a new member of this news group and all others, for that matter, so please
excuse me if I make any faux-pas. I have been following this thread with great
interest and I was ecstatic with how simply Frankie summed up what appears to
me to be a major step-parenting problem.
My situation is a little unique because I married an older man (16 years older)
and his daughter is only 10 years younger than myself. Despite this, my
relationship with my SD was always pretty good, that is until she came to live
with us and I made the mistake of thinking everything would still be fine. She
was 8 when we met and 14 when she came to live with us. My SD accepted our
marriage well but living with us was a different story and for exactly the
reason Frankie stated. My SD had lost her family with "just her dad" and that
didn't really hit her until she was with us full-time. She also had lost
visitor status in the house and that was a big adjustment, as well.
For two years I was left out (by both my SD and my husband who couldn't bear to
play "bad cop" since he had his little girl with him again). I felt completely
alienated and unwelcome in my own house. I thought I was doing the right thing
by getting involved in my SD's life but I learned the hard way that I had to
back off, not act as if we were logically now a "family" (as I viewed us to
be). I had to wait for two excrutiatingly long years to let her come to me on
her own terms. We have had a wonderful year together but, unfortunately, now
she is off to college after all of these trials and tribulations! Ironic....
If I can give any step-parents advice, I know three things....be clear with
your spouse about what you will and won't accept in your house re:your
treatment by a step-child and insist they back you up. Secondly, don't ever
make assumptions that a child will be happy about losing his/her single parent
family, even if you appear to get along well. Lastly, I know that there is hope
out there and the children can change. Out of the blue they can decide that you
are OK, after all. I had no warning what-so-ever. I went from being loathed one
day to actually liked the next. If I knew exactly what caused it, I would
patent it, believe me.
Keep the faith, fellow step-parents. There is light at the end of the tunnel
and it doesn't necessarily have to be that the child is off to college after
all!
Sandy
Leslie
I have a feeling this old saying is true: By the time your children are fit
to live with they are living with someone else :-)
Leslie
janelaw
Grace F Rohrer wrote:
>
> Hi,
>
> After 12 years of a very troubled marriage, and having one daughter.
> I finally moved out and agreed to joint/shared custody of our then
> 8 year old daughter. My daughter spends roughly half her time
> with me, and half her time with her father.
>
> And she hates her step-dad. ............
Dear Grace,
I have read through all your posts.
You need individual counseling. I think we all want to help
with your problem, but this NG isn't enough. You are tense,
frustrated, and confused. Every day is torture. There is no
respite; the anxiety permeates your life and all your
relationships. I would not be surprised to hear that it is
causing you trouble at work. At this point, you have to get
help with YOUR problem before you can effectively deal with your
family's problem. Please do not think I am accusing you of
being crazy. It's just that the stress is undermining your
ability to deal.
This next part is going to sound weird, but please bear with
me. You keep asking for advice then rejecting it. It sounds as
though you do not really want your problem solved, even though I
am sure that is not the case. I think it is because your
daughter's behavior is not the only issue that is troubling you.
I think there are things going on here that you do not feel
comfortable discussing in such a public forum. For example, it's
traumatic and embarrassing to be reported to child services, and
it would be very difficult to discuss publicly with strangers.
Maybe you can deal with these issues more effectively in an
exclusive and confidential setting.
The family counseling is not enough either. You recognize that
your daughter's need to vent, but do you recognize your own?
You can't really speak freely enough to work things out in
family counseling. I don't know if you realize it, but you keep
focusing on your ex-husband and his new family. You discuss
them at length in virtually every post. Your counselor won't
talk about your ex or his family because she is counseling YOUR
family not theirs. You need someone who is there to listen just
to Grace. Then you can discuss and work through all your issues
about your life, your marriages, your parents, your daughter,
etc.
Also, would Alanon or ACA be appropriate? You haven't mentioned
alcohol or substance abuse.
Anyway, best of luck. I certainly don't mean to imply that you
should stop posting here, just that this might not be enough.
Sian Lee Reid
I certainly don't have the answers to your problems, Grace. We've now
gone six months and only seen my stepson twice (for three hours each time,
both occassions when I was out of the house) because he decided he hated
me and didn't want to live with the rules at our house, and that was okay
with his mom, who wouldn't back us up.
He behaves badly at her house too, so that sometimes, alone, she's just at
her wit's end.
One of the things that we considered, although in the end, we realized
that there was no way we could afford it, was to send this child to
boarding school for a few years. Boarding schools don't let you choose
your meals; they don't let you get out of chores; they don't allow you to
refuse to ride the bus because you don't like your seatmate. They have a
lot more rules that WE have ever set. We thought that the boy might
realize, without the option of 'going back to his other house' that he was
not so terribly hard done by. My stepson was also 11 when the problems
started.
As I said, we couldn't afford this option, and biomom probably wouldn't
have supported us even if we could have found a spare $22,000 in our
budget. You say that bio-dad's a lawyer though, and that stepmom would
rather your child be elsewhere. Do you think that it might wash with
them?
I know that it won't solve anything about how your daughter feels, at
least not directly (it might give her space and time away from both
families to reflect) but it would probably teach her that some behaviour
just isn't acceptable.