Am I so Wrong?
CbTnF1705
Ok, heres the situation. I am the stepmother to two kids, ages 13 and 14.,
from my hubbys first marriage, and we have 3 other kids together. We have
joint custody, to where the kids are at their mothers in the summer and with us
for the school year. We have been in this situation for the past 4 yrs. Well,
last year, my stepson decided he didn't want to continue going to his mothers
for visitation, claiming that he was being mistreated down there. Well, last
year, we allowed him to stay with us in the summer time. Also during the
school year, he only went down his moms like 5 times, when normally he is
supposed to go every other weekend. Here is my problem. Ever since he has
chosen to stay with us, and not go to his mothers, my husband has basically,
favored him over the rest of the kids. He tends to give the boy anything he
wants, allows his punishment to be less severe than the others for the "same
crime" so to speak. And he gets by with more things, than the rest of them do.
When I talked to my husband about it, he said I was being rediculous, but even
his 14 yr old daugher has noticed it and said something to him about it. Well,
anyways, I feel like it is causing problems. I am a stay at home mom, raising
5 kids. I don't usually have a problem, except when it comes to him. Because
I don't give him everything he wants, andI dont tell him yes to everything,
like his daddy does, he becomes resentful to me. (This which I have told my
husband too.) If I tell him to do something, and he doesn't like it, he gets
mad. When he gets mad, he takes it out on me, and his brothers and sisters.
Now, I don't allow him to carry on like this, but I get so tired of constantly
fighting with him, it has mentally wore me out. We constantly battle when his
daddy is not there, cus he does not pull this stuff when he is. I have told
his daddy about it, he talks to him, and nothing gets solved. So now I am at
my wits end. I have told my hubby I cannot deal with him in the summer time
this year. He says he does not agree with it, because he doesn't want to go to
his moms. I told him its because you give him everything he wants here, that
when he goes down there, and they tell him no…he thinks its unfair, like he
does with me and probably battles it out down there too.
Somebody tell me….am I so wrong???? I feel like my stepson knows what he
is doing, and he is manipulating his dad. I cant believe my husband can be
that blind to it, and it is really causing problems between us. Anyone have
any advice ??? Thanks in advance.
Sian Lee Reid
In article <199805112002...@ladder01.news.aol.com>,
cbtn...@aol.com (CbTnF1705) wrote:
> Ok, heres the situation. I am the stepmother to two kids, ages 13 and 14.,
> from my hubbys first marriage, and we have 3 other kids together. We have
> joint custody, to where the kids are at their mothers in the summer and
with us
> for the school year. We have been in this situation for the past 4
yrs. Well,
> last year, my stepson decided he didn't want to continue going to his mothers
> for visitation, claiming that he was being mistreated down there.
Well, last
> year, we allowed him to stay with us in the summer time. Also during the
> school year, he only went down his moms like 5 times, when normally he is
> supposed to go every other weekend. Here is my problem. Ever since he has
> chosen to stay with us, and not go to his mothers, my husband has basically,
> favored him over the rest of the kids. He tends to give the boy anything he
> wants, allows his punishment to be less severe than the others for the "same
> crime" so to speak. And he gets by with more things, than the rest of
them do.
We're on the other side of your boat. My partner has two children from
his previous marriage. We have joint custody that specifies that they
children are to be with their mother 58% of the time and with us 42%. In
December, my almost 12 year old stepson decided he didn't want to come
here anymore. He didn't like the rules here. (We have some, Mom
doesn't).
Mom didn't want to fight with him, so there he stays. Meanwhile, we don't
feel as though she is dealing with us fairly. We pay a ton of child
support; that hasn't changed (and yes, I know it isn't related to whether
or not we get to see the children), we carry the medical insurance on them
etc... WE carry out all of OUR side of the court-ordered agreement, but
Mom isn't carrying out hers, which is to bring BOTH children over for
their scheduled time with us.
There is no evidence of bad parenting here, and she has not elected to go
to court and have the order changed (and I'm not sure a judge would change
a custody order based on 'dad doesn't let me do whatever I want, and he
makes me go to school every day.' It doesn't put us in a very positive
frame of mind when dealing with biomom. We don't feel very generous and
cooperative. You might want to keep this in mind and bring it up with
your hubby. Your stepson's visitation schedule is not HIS decision and it
is not his son's. It has been set by the court and unless other
modification provisions are written into the agreement, it must be changed
by the court as well.
I don't envy you your position...
Good luck...
Sian
Dylan's Mom
Your problem is not your stepson, it is your husband. By letting this boy
have free-reign he is undermining your authority with the boy. That is
most important because it sounds like you are with him more. Talk to your
husband - explain to him that blended families are doomed unless the two
parents provide a united front. It is so annoying when others can see
one's behavior but that person can't - clearly if other members of the
family "feel" that he is behaving that way, he is. Even if that isn't his
intention. Good luck. Hope he can see it. --
Teri....@Compaqnospam.com
CbTnF1705 <cbtn...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199805112002...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...
janelaw
CbTnF1705 wrote:
>
> snip
> ...last year, my stepson decided he didn't want to continue going to his mothers
> for visitation, claiming that he was being mistreated down there... we allowed him to stay with us in the summer time.... Here is my problem. Ever since he has
> chosen to stay with us, and not go to his mothers, my husband has basically,
> Now, I don't allow him to carry on like this, but I get so tired of constantly
> fighting with him, it has mentally wore me out. We constantly battle when his
> daddy is not there, cus he does not pull this stuff when he is. I have told
> his daddy about it, he talks to him, and nothing gets solved. So now I am at
> my wits end. I have told my hubby I cannot deal with him in the summer time
> this year. He says he does not agree with it, because he doesn't want to go to
> his moms. I told him its because you give him everything he wants here, that
> when he goes down there, and they tell him no…he thinks its unfair, like he
> does with me and probably battles it out down there too.
> Somebody tell me….am I so wrong???? I feel like my stepson knows what he
> is doing, and he is manipulating his dad. I cant believe my husband can be
> that blind to it, and it is really causing problems between us. Anyone have
> any advice ??? Thanks in advance.
Of course you're not wrong. You know it, and your husband knows
it. He is letting himself be manipulated because he feels that
his son is finally seeing that he was right and BM was wrong. I
hate that. He is screwing up SS by using him as a pawn in their
own private war.
You know I try to tell myself that it is a normal developmental
stage for teenagers to be manipulative, that it teaches them
something about how to deal with people as adults. I don't know
if that's true, but you should try not to kill SS.
The bottom line is: one person can't be allowed to control the
whole family. Unless, of course, it's me.
I hope one of these suggestions will help you:
1) Have a long talk with BM. Find out how she feels about the
summer visitation issue. It sounds like she started going
through this struggle with SS before you did. Did she consent
to canceling last summer? Does she want him this summer? What
does the parenting agreement say? Maybe you and she can work
together here.
2) Shoot your husband. Check his life insurance first.
3) Go visit a relative and leave your husband with the kids for
a couple of weeks. If you have the money, go to Europe; they'll
never figure out what time to call you to complain. There is
nothing like in-the-trenches parenting to give one a new
perspective. Besides, once in a while, it is a good idea to let
DH see what exactly you do all day. Let him take care of a
house and five kids for a couple of weeks and see how many
bon-bons he gets to eat.
4) Tape your family. I have never done this myself, but I hear
it can really work. I know this is very controversial and a lot
of people will yell at me. You have a family meeting and tell
the kids that you think you all need to work on your
communication skills. [If DH does not agree, see Suggestion
#2] They need to hear how they sound to each other. Tell them
that you will randomly record goings on during the course of the
day. They will object until you point out that they are always
coming to you complaining about each other; this way they will
have evidence of all the awful things their siblings do to
them. Once you get a majority in agreement, do two things: hide
the tape recorder in common areas, and don't say anything about
it for at least a week to ten days. By now you know where and
when the kids go at it and your SS mouths off to you.
Obviously, you don't want to intrude on their privacy in their
bedrooms or the bathroom. My friends who have done this say
that there are two immediate benefits: a) the kids immediately
become aware of their behavior to the rest of the family, as
they do not want to be caught being the guilty party on the
tape; and b) when they do hear the tapes later, they are
genuinely surprised by how they sound. You may be surprised by
how you sound.
5) Write down or have DH write down every reward or adverse
consequence each of the children receives. This again will make
DH aware of the parity in his treatment of the children.
6) Of course. Find a good family counselor in your
neighborhood.
7) Send SS to visit relatives or to camp for chunks of the
summer.