The War is Starting
Lyn
>
> I am 40 years old, and was married just under a year last August when
> my then-15 year old step-daughter moved in 'for awhile' while her
> mother went into treatment for cancer. In November, she died. One of
> the hardest things I have ever had to do was tell my new daughter that
> her mom was gone, and hold this sobbing child at her funeral and not be
> able to take the pain away.
<snip long section about SD being caught in lies, blaming SM, etc.>
I recently spoke to a woman who was SM to children whose mother had died. She
thought that this was one of the worst positions for a step-parent because
she had to deal not only with the grief which went on for years, but with the
memories of the mother in which she was idolized. Often the memories were
embellished to the point of unreality. The SM never could measure up to this
wonderful person who had died and so was found even more lacking than is
usually the case. The child, being angry at the world for taking away the
parent, lashes out at the usurper, who she sees as trying to take the dead
mother's place. On the other hand, her stepkids needed her and would give her
mixed messages about what they wanted from her (as your SD did at the
beginning when she cried in your arms). It opened my eyes to hear this
woman's story and made me realize that in these cases many stepfamily
problems are greatly exacerbated.
> as ripped up as I thought I would be about her treatment of me ... I am
> more concerned about her future and her lies. And my marriage. So far,
> we are united on this, but as I said he can't be here as much as he
> would like to be and my calm happy life is rapidly being replaced by a
> war zone. I worked hard to buy this house, furnish it and give myself
> toys and extras for thirteen years of being alone. Now in two it's all
> been taken over by aliens and one of them is gonna find herself in big
> trouble if she doesn't use her head (she tests at honors levels, BTW)
> and grow up. The spoiled, cute brat routine is getting old and now I
> can't even trust her or believe anything she says. My husband is still
> moderately taken in by some of it, he has not been the target of a lot
> of the lies, nor has he seen the hostile displays and looks from
> others....they are well-timed when he is not here. I have told him some
> of it, and true-to-form for a dad-daughter relationship, he thinks I'm
> over-reacting and not seeing things as they are <SIGH>. I also no she
> has to learn to pay the piper on her own, but this is her whole future!
>
> Do I back off? Let her and her dad handle this and keep the cool front
> (I cannot find it in myself to act as if nothing has happened. I need
> her to se at least ONE consequence of her behavior and that is the
> extras and the 'taken for granteds' will stop until she earns them.)?
> Do I raise the issue again with hubby (it's starting to be a problem
> between us when we try to discuss it now) or just let him find out the
> rest on his own? Do I let her sink? And when do I draw the line at
> losing control over my house and my life?
You are in a tough position because her father is apparently not around
enough. Have you and he seen a counselor together to come up with a plan
about this? A scheduled time to talk about this with someone who can
facilitate the discussion may keep it from being a problem between the 2 of
you. I personally don't think you have that much control over whether your SD
"sinks" and should let go of feeling responsible for that. You should have
(some) control over what happens in your house although it may be hard to get
it. I have been through times when I thought the aliens (my stepkids) had
definitely invaded; time passes and things have improved some. I also know
that intellectually understanding why they are traumatized does not always
help you cope with their behavior toward you. In your case, it hasn't been
that long since her mother died and she probably still needs to see a
counselor about it. My father died unexpectedly when I was 21 and it
sometimes takes a really long time to come to terms with it. I was more
mature than your SD but his death affected my behavior and choices well into
my 20's.
You are in one of the hardest of times with this stuff...so new at your
marriage and having a stepfamily and then having such a serious emotional
crisis. So much out of your control. Write again to keep us updated and vent
all you need. This is a good place.
Lyn
Lyn
> I had problems with my SD about home work, picking up her room, hanging
> up her wet towels, unplugging her curling iron, etc. Putting her
> dishes in the dish washer and so on. <snip>
> With the wet towels - she'd leave them in her room. I tried getting
> down to "one towel per kid" so she'd feel the consequence of not having
> a towel; but she'd just use "whoever's was handy" and then leave it in
> her room. On occasion, I would find 7 towels in her room. She never
> changed. My point is this: They don't change!! Not until they feel
> they need. She never did & so I assume she is still the same.<snip>
>
> As I said, they don't easily change. I'm not trying to preach, but
> there's a scripture in the bible about "training up a child until they
> are eight". Well, by age 8 they are basically formed. Psychologists
> tell you that 80% of their relationship behavior has formed by this age
> also.<snip>
> Well, my SD [now 20] has been out of the house for 7 months now. I
> have to say I'm glad! It got to the point that her Dad was glad to see
> her go also. He even took away her key when she moved out!!!! We all
> get along much better. I've never been to her place [she hasn't
> invited me, so I've never gone - she lives with her boyfriend in a
> studio apartment]. When she comes to the house she does not offer to
> help me cook, just watches T.V. Once or twice she has helped me when
> I've unloaded the dishwasher. It's just "if she's in the mood".
I've shared many of your day-in day-out living problems. Funny how this towel
issue gets so big. I've heard parents in non-step families complain about
teens and towels too, but don't know whether they worked on their kids when
they were small to have a different plan. I will find out when my now 7 yo
daughter is a teen; she is very comfortable with having one towel which she
keeps on a hook in her room until it needs to be washed and then trades out
for another. This is how my husband and I do it too, but with my stepkids it
has never been possible to make this happen. I've found the 10 wet towels
situation, too. This is one of those problems that ends up being a conflict
between step-parent and bio-parent if the bio isn't as irritated by it as the
step (which is our case). With my biodaughter I have just put the effort in
and she doesn't question it.
A lot of the conflict with stepkids, especially older ones, seems to me to
come from the "roommate" angle. If you had roommates who refused to pitch
in and treated you without respect (even occasionally) you would soon part
company. No hard feelings, just didn't work out to live together. When its
your biokids doing this (and I know they do), your commitment to them from
birth is paramount and must see you through. My stepkids don't get the idea
that there are standards they have to meet in this house simply because they
are the kids and I'm the adult, even if I'm not their "real" parent. They
want to live as they choose and not have me tell them how they have to
behave...like I'm just their roommate and what right do I have, etc. etc.
To all the folks who say their dad and I must be a united front: I agree that
is true on many issues but I don't believe that in non-step families there is
always this bold united front for every single thing. It can't be. My
daughter hangs her towel up because I care if she does; my husband never has
to be involved. His support is obvious but unstated. It is so wearing to have
to get him involved when my stepkids balk which is what it takes for us to
present this united front. Others may have found a way to get the stepkids to
accept the authority of the step parent as equal to the bio, but we sure
never have.
My 18 yo SD (the one who has been so difficult for me over the years and who
actually said to me about 6 months ago that I'd probably have a deformed baby
because I was so old..BTY, due in Apr. everything looks good) moved out to a
friend's house last weekend after a dispute about her unloading the
dishwasher. She was feeling really put-upon to be requested to do this chore
every day (without being asked by one of us each time). I am so glad she's
gone. I hope it lasts awhile. I'm sure she'll be a much better roommate
there.
Lyn
HandymanNW
towels, washrag and terry cloth robe? In our house each of us has their
own towel and bathrobe. All of the four towels and other linens are
washed every week without any battles. I think that when dealing with all
children you must "pick your battles". Each child should know that its
color set is the child's own, not used by others, and that such rules are
for sanitary reasons.You must ask the children to own certain chores and
help them maintain their ownership. The dog or cat that is not cared for
is adopted out if no one else wants it.
Bob
Meredith Carter
Cathy Gunyan
I read that you rearranged your life for your SD. I would discontinue
doing the rearranging and get involved in some outside activities. Try
to get your mind off what is going on with your SD. When I first read
your article I thought "wow" this is going so well, and then after
reading your story, it looked like everything went sour.
Sixteen is a very difficult age, that doesn't justify her behavior, but I
always try to remember that with my three teenagers - it is a rough stage.
My relationship with my SD fluctuates - sometimes we get along fine,
other times I usually discuss our conflicts with her father - my husband.
I know the teenage years is an age of independence and most of the time,
teenagers would rather be with their friends.
Could you possibly get her into some counseling?
I agree with the other posting. It is easy to make a dead parent "a
saint" - very hard to fill those shoes.
Your SD's attitude towards education could be coming from her BM's
attitude previously, since her mother did not instill its importance. I
have the same problem with my ex. He never went to college and doesn't
see the importance of his children doing well in school or going to
college either. My ex is not successful financially in life either with
his own business, he has no drive. I've always felt that I have to set a
good example. I don't skip out of work and lie and say I am sick and
then expect my children to have perfect attendance at school, and yet
I've seen some adults do this.
You said a "jagged" remark to your stepdaughter - don't come down to
your step daughter's level. Refrain from saying the jagged remarks it
will not help the situation. If you try to stay neutral it will
definitely help. I know it is hard to bite the tongue sometimes. I
agree with a statement I heard, that if someone makes you angry, they
have the "mastery" over you. We have to learn not to let people push our
buttons.
I hope your husband will come through and make some tough decisions when
it comes to his daughter. Unfortunately, some daughters have their
father wrapped around their little finger! I encourage you to
concentrate building your relationship as much as possible between you
and your husband. I read that SD came in your life so early after you
were married.
Mary O.
Lyn
This sounds great, except that it just doesn't work out this easily for some
of us. I have tried the "here is your own set." As the other poster who was
having this "towel problem" indicated, she had tried taking away extra
towels: the girl used towels belonging to others. Telling her this about
color schemes and sanitary reasons will go in one ear and straight out the
other. If a child wants to flaunt your authority she/he will find a way to do
it. By storing away almost all the towels in our house I have pretty much
dealt with this situation. If my husband were as irritated as I am by the wet
towel piles perhaps this would not be necessary. I just can't *make* him
care enough to check up and follow through on this. So if I do it, it turns
into another way to make stepmom irritated. I would love to have a linen
closet with neat stacks of towels; someday I will...
And what would you do if your stepkids didn't follow your guidelines? Do you
say give them no towel at all? If they then used yours or their sibling's? If
they searched until they found the place you'd stored the towels and started
taking them from there? No TV? Ground them? Don't say that you would talk to
them about sanitation or rights of others. Not a solution for too many folks.
This is obviously another of the many power struggles in my family. It is not
to be solved by appeals to their sense of fairness, kindness and reason.
Reasonable solutions work with reasonable people.
Lyn
Kirsten Miles
tried to find out how he was expected to behave at home, to try to be
consistent. For a while their biomom was not doing there laundry
(only for about a month I found out later) so when he moved in I
didn't offer to do the laundry. My husband and I were both working
and we decided to let Jason handle his own room. He wore his clothes
and used the towels until all were in a heap in his room, then he
would go to his mom's house and break in (they took his key) and take
his brothers clothes and towels. I decided something had to stop (my
mistake, my husband never decided anything or could bear to talk to
him about anything lest he "chase" him out while he was trying to
finish high school) when the brother had to call to ask me to hunt
throught he pile for *his* clothes.
Trying to work with both parent's styles (let them do anything and
clean up after it) I slogged through the laundry, washing and
drying and folding sorting out whose was whose and finding that my
hardwood floors had suffered for the heap of damp clothes, and left
his clothes neatly folded on his bed, returning his brothers. I
didn't put them in the drawers out of respect for his privacy, just
left them on his bed.
Sure enough he dumped the load on the floor when he next went to bed
and then couldn't figure out which were clean or dirty so left them in
the heap and returned to his brother's closet. A month or more passed
and I decided that the stress of making this a confrontation by
myself wasn't worth it so I did the washing routine again, but this
time hung up or put away all the clothes. In doing so I foudn stash
of pot in the dresser. His Dad finally became animated and when he
got home that night my husband became involved.
The next day my stepson moved in with his mom, and I have never been
so releived. This was not a case of disliking the boy (though I
loathed his habits) on my part, but I abhored the stress we were all
under. I tried in vain to explain to my husband that if he
consistently set out his expectations and attempted to communicate
with his son it would be easier on everyone. He just stated in high
hiss that he didn't know how, and just couldn't. He wasn't willing to
change. Jason still lives with his mom at 22 and she complains about
worse behaviour than he showed here, she used to arrive home from work
to find that he had *just* driven off, leaving pots & dishes all over
the kitchen, sometimes pots still on a hot stove trying not to have to
clean up. She just sends him out of the house for a couple of days
and he stays with friends. Sigh.
He has done an about face with his middle son and the results have
been impressive. Our eldest now brings his girlfriends to meet us and
visits and occasionally travels with us. He now understands our
expectations a little better, but doesn't want to have to live with
them. This is fine with me. I really would dread being back in the
same situation now that I am at home with our three year old.
Hard-Net-Cafe 03
wake up in the morning.
The reason is that I am not at home in bed with my wife who I love but in a house that I now
share with three strangers.
Why?, because I could take no more.
No one in the world understands the life of a step parent other than another step parent. We are
constantly battered with stories of the Wicked Step Mother or the Step Father who beat the
children. But what about the wicked step children (in particular daugther). You never hear of the
wicked step child scheming from day one to get rid of the step-parent.
I don't believe that I am a wicked step parent, I have bought the children VCR's, CD Players,
bikes. I have looked after them when they have been sick or their mother away, driven them to
sports and friends places. The only thing that I can't give them is the love and affection of a
natural parent( actually prefer this to bio).
I have two step children, one male, who is basically a really nice person and the other a 14.5
year old female monster from hell. She has become a master at tweeking the male ego (I only
learned why this annoyed me recently by reading Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus). I
might add that she has completely alienated 5 teachers during her schooling career. I know no
adults who like her including her bio grandmother. I have friends who will not bring their
children to our house because they do not want her influencing their behaviour.
I've read the towell stories and relate to them, but what about the telephone stories, neither my
wife nor I use the phone at home much but somehow we seem to clock up 300++ phone calls per
month, but even though I pay the bill, I have no right to complain.
What about the respect for our house stories. Generally at least once per week somehting in the
house disappears or gets broken. I recently repaired 5 holes in doors in my house. The last one
when SD gleefully related how she had kicked another hole in a door in my house (for which I pay
$1200/Month mortgage) I hit the roof (No No Physical Violence but I was very loud and angry). I
might add that the same day I found out that SS had shot about 50 air rifle pellets into a shed
that I had recently built (two entire weekends). I honestly think that he wouldn't have done it
if he knew it would upset me, but he was far more annoyed about having his air rifle confiscated.
For this my wife punished me by sending me to Coventry for several weeks (this I guess was the
beginning of the end).
My SS recently moved to his fathers house, I am genuinely sad about this, and I feel some blame
for this, however I also think that 90% of it is SD's fault. However as the SP I was loaded with
100% of the responsibility.
I get two standard replies from my wife:-
* They are normal teenagers (SD is anything but normal) But I, as a teenager, had respect for my
parents house. I rarely broke things and nearly always rectified it if I did.
* You are the adult - Deal With It.You just can't do this when you have no rights.
I must admit that I don't talk to SD any more, and she doesn't talk to me.... except when she
wants somtehing then is as nice as pie. Once she rang me at work to come home and take her to her
boyfriends place. When I said no, she rang me back so that she could hang up on me???!?@?@.
Anyhow the last straw was this sunday afternoon. After about 10Hrs of my wife and I discussing
solutions I agreed to have another go at relating (aaagh whoelse hates that word) to her.
Basically the result was that if we couldn't come to an arrangement then I would move out.
Touche, she agreed, except that she wanted a room out the back of the house that I use as an
evening office as her bedroom. That was it, I was having the terms under which I coudl live in my
own house dictated to me by a 14 year old girl, and the last straw was my wife was complimenting
her on her maturity in being able negotiate???, and I of course was the a***hole for objecting.
I knew then that it was over. I had lost
Any how, I only found out about this newsgroup yesterday, maybe if I'd read it a week ago I might
not have felt so alone. I will keep reading for a while but if there is no reconciliation I won't
need to after a while.
Wish Me Luck
*Please No Flames*
Meredith Carter
became engaged I had a very good relationship with my future SD. We were
very good friends. I remember even sorta "hanging out" with her at the
500-mile track here in town one day. After we were married, and the
time came when the alimony ran out to my husband's ex, his ex was going
through a divorce, and decided to escape to another country. His
daughter came to live with us. That was only 4 months into our marriage.
His ex came back, but the daughter wanted to stay with us, reason she
gave was she didn't like her school district.
The things that started bugging me was like her making Rice Crispy treats
and leaving the kitchen with rice krispies all over the stove, floor,
everywhere, besides other things she wouldn't clean up. Her mother came
over and we talked and it was real good because she backed us up and had
complained to her daughter about the same things and there was a real
change with SD. When she lived with mother clothes, everything in her
room all over the floor now she keeps her room clean most of the time.
But then she started mocking me behind my back and got my one daughter to
do it. She gave me a gag gift for Christmas. She came between my twin
daughters relationship to the point that my one daughter was talking
about suicide because they excluded her from everything. We talked to
them about including her in. Fortunately, my daughter has gotten a very
close friend and seems to have recovered from this separation anxiety.
Well, it just got to the point that I had it with her and told my husband
that I wanted her back with her mom. I was accused by ex of being "baby"
Mary. Now, other women I talked to say they wouldn't put up with it
either. Now ex basically "hates" me and when SD is rebellious she runs
over to her house.
SD went back to her mom, but then her mother quit her job teaching school
and started driving a semi truck with her boyfriend. My SD ended up back
with us because her mom's boyfriend's brother lived there and with her
mother being out on the road all the time (only home sometimes 2 hours a
week) the SD couldn't stay alone in the house with this man.
Now I am back in the same position. SD and friend calls me a witch
behind my back and I hear about it from my kids. There have been a lot
of other problems with rebellion, disrespect towards me and the Bio dad.
At first I think, I am going to give up this fight, roll over and let it
roll over me. But then I think, hey I was happy being single raising 5
children (one now in college) on my own for 3 years. I'm giving
ultimatims here. Yeah, I'll change, I'll be more sensitive to feelings
and try to be more fair, but I also am going to set some rules. I am the
one that complained that SD does not take care of cats. Cat recently
pissed on our bed probably because litter wasn't clean. Cat liter not
cleaned on a daily basis - there will be consequences and cats will
eventually go. I refuse to live like this.
I refuse to let people take away my happiness! I was in two abusive
relationships with spouses. I let them walk all over me. I refuse to
let people walk over me mainly SD's actions, etc. I will not put up with
it. My advise to you is your wife has to compromise and you have to
compromise that is the only way it can work. Some things you can't
compromise on. Stick up to your convictions! We plan on putting family
through blended family counseling. SD goes to psychologist but not often
enough. SD may go back to ex but that will be Bio father's choice not
mine this time. It has to come from him. He has suggested it lately,
though his ex doesn't want her because of her boyfriend living there and
SD doesn't like boyfriend (ex has quit truck driving and is a secretary
now.) In SD bio can do no wrong. I know I can't say anything against Bio
mom, but BIO mom okay to tear me down and SD too.
I know my husband wants this marriage to work and it seems that he has to
be pushed in corner before he will take actions. Either we are on the
same team or not? I think sometimes you just have to say "enough" that
is all I take and either you make the changes/ or recognize that person
won't make the changes.
Get help to make the changes, if they won't then it's their problem!
Please look into the blended family counseling this will be the first for
us we have just made it 3 years on our own without help!
Meredith Carter
to other parents of step children. It's been very comforting. I know
reading some of these posts have been comforting too. In times of stress
- we need other people. My husband is type that is "self made man." He
is very introverted and does not express his feelings or seek other's
help. I know it gets to the point where you coast up and down and when
you crash then you know you need that outside help. This is the point
now where I know my husband will seek other help instead of making it on
our own.
In talking to other step parents, I think SD subconsciously wants me out
of picture. I know ex is consciously wanted my husband and I to be
unhappy because she is unhappy.
We had little family meeting with SD mom where ex tore into me and ran me
down. I really should have stuck up for myself since it was in front of
the kids, but you have to understand that she has a lot of psychology and
there is no winning in this situation (she has justification for all her
actions). I'm just as guilty because I made comment that I wished she
was a more active parent - she was trying to give us all this advice when
she doesn't want to raise her children (I have SD and SS - SS is no
problem at 9 years old). Only she does not stop with just one rebuttle
she will go on and on lashing out with her tongue.
I wish I would have asked her to leave the house when she started
tearing my husband and I apart. We both just sat there. I just told my
husband I don't want the lady in the house again! SD invites her in but
that will stop now. I see that problem is SD trying to run home, even
run her bio dad. I know I am sure not running things, even though I'm
trying.
Sounds the same for your posting. Your wife has to come over and see
that you are not the "bad" guy here. Trying to cause trouble. She has
got to see things from your perspective. Doesn't sound like you are
running show with wife either. I really think that the counseling my
help spouse see other side - if they are open --
My husband and I have been having many long conversations about family
issues. We are going to have a written list of "rules of the house." I
hope you can have long conversations with your wife. Sounds like you
really love your wife. I hope she doesn't let her daughter break this
realtionship up or has she? She'll do it over and over, if she let's her.
Children do eventually go, you two (I hope) will live with each other
the rest of your lives. I pray your wife understands this. Blood does
go very far in the relationship and I know she wants to "believe the
best" for her daughter, and it's just natural to have the tendency to
lean toward that blood relationship. Your wife just doesn't "see the
light" so to speak from your perspective.
This is my first time being a step parenting. I was married to a man who
had a hard time step parenting my children. I had the tendency to defend
my children more instead of him. I guarantee you the children did not
break us up though! Now, I can see both sides of the coin since I am now
the step parent too.
Mary O.
Meredith Carter
children. Two step children now in college. A your's, mine, our
relationship. She said her step daughter almost broke her husband and
her up. (She did mean things to her including kick her in the back one
time purposely when coming down a slide). She had many problems with bio
mother.
She said it had to get to the point where bio father realized what was
going on and told SD - I support my new wife, I stand behind her
decisions - you will respect her. Bio parent has to make this clear to
SD/SS, etc. Bio has to be the one to do this!
Mary O.
RUBY P. REGNER
<hn...@hnc01.computeng.com.au> writes:
>
>I'm a 35 (nearly 36) year old male and I cry myself to sleep every
night and hope that I don't
>wake up in the morning.
>
>The reason is that I am not at home in bed with my wife who I love but
in a house that I now
>share with three strangers.
>
>Why?, because I could take no more.
>
>No one in the world understands the life of a step parent other than
another step parent
** snip **
>Anyhow the last straw was this sunday afternoon. After about 10Hrs of
my wife and I discussing
>solutions I agreed to have another go at relating (aaagh whoelse hates
that word) to her. ** [her means SD, I think] **
>Basically the result was that if we couldn't come to an arrangement
then I would move out.
>Touche, she agreed, except that she wanted a room out the back of the
house that I use as an
>evening office as her bedroom. That was it, I was having the terms
under which I coudl live in my
>own house dictated to me by a 14 year old girl, and the last straw was
my wife was complimenting
>her on her maturity in being able negotiate???, and I of course was
the a***hole for objecting.
>
>I knew then that it was over. I had lost
>
>Any how, I only found out about this newsgroup yesterday, maybe if I'd
read it a week ago I might
>not have felt so alone. I will keep reading for a while but if there
is no reconciliation I won't
>need to after a while.
>
>Wish Me Luck
>*Please No Flames*
I wanted to reply to this posting because I did the same thing [move
out] because my situation became intolerable. I was on my own w/my
daughter for about 3 1/2 months and by myself only foFrom: reg...@ix.netcom.com (RUBY P. REGNER)
Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
Subject: Re: The War - Is Over - I Lose
References: <4hsgd4$m...@cloner2.ix.netcom.com> <31470C...@sb.fsu.edu> <4i8kdr$c...@ixnews3.ix.netcom.com> <314848...@sb.fsu.edu> <3151AA...@hnc01.computeng.com.au>
In <3151AA...@hnc01.computeng.com.au> Hard-Net-Cafe 03
<hn...@hnc01.computeng.com.au> writes:
>
>I'm a 35 (nearly 36) year old male and I cry myself to sleep every
night and hope that I don't
>wake up in the morning.
>
>The reason is that I am not at home in bed with my wife who I love but
in a house that I now
>share with three strangers.
>
>Why?, because I could take no more.
>
>No one in the world understands the life of a step parent other than
another step parent
** snip **
>Anyhow the last straw was this sunday afternoon. After about 10Hrs of
my wife and I discussing
>solutions I agreed to have another go at relating (aaagh whoelse hates
that word) to her. ** [her means SD, I think] **
>Basically the result was that if we couldn't come to an arrangement
then I would move out.
>Touche, she agreed, except that she wanted a room out the back of the
house that I use as an
>evening office as her bedroom. That was it, I was having the terms
under which I coudl live in my
>own house dictated to me by a 14 year old girl, and the last straw was
my wife was complimenting
>her on her maturity in being able negotiate???, and I of course was
the a***hole for objecting.
>
>I knew then that it was over. I had lost
>
>Any how, I only found out about this newsgroup yesterday, maybe if I'd
read it a week ago I might
>not have felt so alone. I will keep reading for a while but if there
is no reconciliation I won't
>need to after a while.
>
>Wish Me Luck
>*Please No Flames*
I wanted to reply to this posting because I did the same thing [move
out] because my situation became intolerable. I was on my own w/my
daughter for about 3 1/2 months and by myself only fo go home, alone!!
I hope something I've said here helps someone. I know it hurts so bad
to love your spouse and have the other interferences. But ... you
can't take back his or your kids and your kids are his step-children
and his kids are your step-children and that's just life.
I know you're lonesome & missing your wife. Hang in there & give it
some time to see what happens. A week is probably not enough time.
Some things I did:
- Gave myself time alone - it was very healing. Yes, I was
lonesome at times, but it was great to do WHAT I WANTED WHEN I WANTED
with no demands from ANYONE.
- Kept enough distance from my spouse that he had time to be lonely
& miss me. [This included not being available constantly for phone
calls and I didn't always tell him where I'd been when he asked.]
- I tried to keep the good things in our relationship [while we
were separated] and yes, that included some sleep overs back at his
house [where we had lived together] and he stayed at my apartment a few
times. But I kept them to one night or a week end. I didn't want to
find myself "gradually" moved back in and have everything be the same.
- Continually told my husband that my goal was to resolve the
issues. I told him how much I loved him and wanted us to get to a
point where we could again be together.
This was nearly two years ago. It was very, very tough. When I
returned things were not SUDDENLY, MAGICALLY OKAY; and my husband went
through a lot of "will you leave again?" insecurities. If he came home
from work and found me gone without a note where I was, he'd worry I
was out "looking". But over time, that issue resolved itself.
Today, looking back:
Am I sorry I left? "No." Although I wish it hadn't become
necessary.
Do I think there was another way that would have got me to the
place our relationship is today? "Again, no"
Do I wish I'd done things differently? "basically, no"
Good luck to you & again hang in there!!!
Ruby
