Bio-mom problems
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
went to my bio-moms house. It was cool during the first week or so but
when I started to tell my mom what I thought about the war in Iraq and
the whole home-schooling thing, we started to fight. It wasn't until
I called Daddy and asked him to talk to mom about my thoughts on
things that she calmed down...or so I thought. The next day she
started to blame us(my bro and myself) for things we didn't do. By
this point I had gotten so mad that I started to yell my head off. It
didn't go so well after that. When my bro. and I got home, we started
to tell Daddy about what had happened, how mom said that Daddy was
brain washing us and that I was supporting terrorism which I'm not. I
don't want to go back to her house anymore, but it is court law for me
to go and I was woundering if you guys could give me some advice.
Adiggato and Syanara
Bakanishojo say: Rumors are for sissies
Deborah M Riel
OK, why was it cool during the first week or so?
Now you both know what topics are hot buttons for you. You're not
going to change her mind about them, any more than she's going to
change yours. So, unless you're enjoying the debate, which it sounds
like you're not, I'd avoid those particular topics. You're only there
for 3 weeks, right? Try to find some common ground where you can at
least marginally agree and enjoy each other's company. I have some
relatives who have very different religious and political beliefs from
mine. They're very conservative and fundamentalist in their beliefs
and I'm quite opposite from that. When I see them, which isn't often,
I don't want to have a futile discussion that will change none of our
opinions. I want to have the best time I can have because if I spend
the time angry, frustrated and arguing, I've only hurt myself. After
all, it's *my* time, and I don't want it to suck. So, we
find common ground, ignore the hot topics, and treat each other as
respectfully as we can. I don't ever have to actually *live* with
them, so what difference does it make if I have a pleasant, if
superficial, visit with them every now and then? I can still hold my
personal beliefs, and debate as much as I want with people who either
enjoy the debate or aren't in such an emotionally charged position
with me.
If you find something that interests both of you, then you have an
opening for keeping up a relationship, and maybe even having some kind
of a good time. I think you'll be glad you did it later, and didn't
cut her off totally.
Deb R.
Cornhuskeress
> going to change her mind about them, any more than she's going to
> change yours. So, unless you're enjoying the debate, which it sounds
> like you're not, I'd avoid those particular topics. You're only there
> for 3 weeks, right? Try to find some common ground where you can at
> least marginally agree and enjoy each other's company.
> opening for keeping up a relationship, and maybe even having some kind
> of a good time. I think you'll be glad you did it later, and didn't
> cut her off totally.
>
> Deb R.
--
**Geri**
Lori
"Cornhuskeress" <cahusk...@sbcglobalGOAWAY.net> wrote in message
news:ar_Lc.95285$4O1....@newssvr29.news.prodigy.com...
So do I. she has said hear pretty much what I wanted to say, and said it
quite well, too.
Lori
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Wendy
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:hui0g0d9ib79jd03f...@4ax.com...
Maybe you could think about why she reacted in that way. It's my experience
that people lash out when they feel defensive and threatened. Is it
possible that you have spent some time thinking about these issues and
forming your own opinions, while she's hasn't had or taken a similar amount
of time to really question what is going on and what she thinks about it
all? Perhaps she's been busy thinking about other things in her more
immediate environment? Perhaps she felt disrespected, even if that wasn't
what you intended? I know with my own father that any discussion of
politics used to make him feel his authority was questioned if we couldn't
agree, so as Deb suggested we tend to avoid certain topics around him.
How well do you know your mother? Have you talked to her about her life,
what makes her the person she is, what she currently thinks about and why?
This may not be relevant, but my Dad never talked about himself and what I
know I've pieced together from bits my mother has told me. I may not agree
with his political viewpoints, but I have enormous respect for him as a
person. Sure our discussions of politics are at best superficial, but our
relationship is far from superficial. I wish I knew him better. I wish I'd
used the opportunity to talk to him more when I had the chance. Now, I live
so far away and he's 85 and his memory isn't what it once was.
If you don't go to your bio-Mom's will you get those few opportunities to
get to really know her, and her you, strengths and weaknesses alike?
Wendy
megmotheroffour
This is a 'hot' topic for me. My 15 year old daughter recently(march)
stopped seeing her dad. She was seeing him almost 50% of the time. How I
see it was this - My ex and I are extremely different in many ways. He was
very angry with me and doesn't like how I am( he did at one time so
probably it is related to the anger and rejection he felt when I left
him). He very much wants the children to be like himself, not me. Maybe he
was afraid the children would reject him too if they were like me? Who
knows? So, for whatever reason, whenever he saw my children showing any of
my traits he jumped on them, 'you are just like your mother', this being
the worst possible sin. This is never a good idea and hurtful to kids.
That doesn't stop adults from doing it, often because they are ignorant of
how hurtful it is. I would also add that adults are not always mature. I
am human too and have noticed that I sometimes will think( please note,
think not say)oh no, that is just like their father.
Now, my daughter being the oldest girl and very close with me became very
angry about this and would become even more 'momlike' with her dad. She
started failing in school and looked just like madonna in the 80's( all
mom traits even though I sure don't dress like madonna and was an A
student LOL). But I admit I am a little kookier and a lot less
conservative than my ex . The situation culminated with her getting kicked
out( rejected) by her father several times. Then she stopped all
interactions with him. I wish it didn't go that far. Although I adore my
daughter and think she is a wonderful human being, I wish she didn't push
his buttons as much. Was he being an idiot? absolutely !! Was he hurting
his daughter? Yes. But he had an open wound and my daughter I think may
have been rubbing salt in it, sometimes by accident(the wound was pretty
big and open) but sometimes not. It took my daughter awhile to recoop and
her brothers and sisters still are upset about it(they miss her). If there
is only a little wierdness going on with your mom and you don't see her
very much), maybe you can be a little sympathetic to whatever craziness
maybe inspiring her to get worked up over this subject. Maybe you can
remind her of the ways that you are like her as well( dig deep I know that
somewhere there are some similarities) so she is not feeling so
threatened. My guess is that she is thinking she has lost you to your dad.
Meg
rebecca
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:hui0g0d9ib79jd03f...@4ax.com...
> I
> don't want to go back to her house anymore, but it is court law for me
> to go and I was woundering if you guys could give me some advice.
> Adiggato and Syanara
> Bakanishojo say: Rumors are for sissies
Okay, hi.
First, I guess I would say there are certainly reasons to end or suspend
time with your non-custodial parent. I'm just not sure from your post
whether what you're experiencing is serious enough to do that or not.
What's your goal? Do you want your mom to respect your position more? To
respect your father more? Because neither of those will likely happen by
you not going to her home. I think you see your mom about 3 weeks a year,
is that right? How often do you speak to her/write/e-mail her over the rest
of the year? Because if these 3 weeks are the bulk of your contact with
your mom, can you think about what ending them would do to your
relationship? Are you ready to give up your mom for a while?
Is 3 weeks at a time too long? Is there any possibility you could take 2
shorter trips? Could you take one trip to her and have her take one trip to
you? If you do skip a trip, how will you change your phone/e-mail/writing
patterns to stay in touch with her? Is it possible if you
phone/e-mail/write her more often before your next trip, you both will feel
more comfortable together?
Someone else mentioned the relatives they avoid conversations where they
don't agree. I can't talk to my father about politics - couldn't ever - we
disagree and he likes to argue. So unless I actually _feel_ like an
argument, I just avoid the subject. (Incidentally, I grew up with him, we
adore each other, and the relationship is not at all superficial because we
don't talk about it.)
Anyway, my general advice would be that you need to figure out what's
causing you the pain, because I suspect that there are other ways to handle
it besides stopping your time with your mom.
Good Luck,
Rebecca
megmotheroffour
and in my opinion bush brainwashed many people. If you are tempted to say
this to your mom read the above.
Meg
rebecca
without bumps and arguments. Perhaps you feel it more at your mom's because
of the shorter time you spend with her?
rebecca
"rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:_h9Mc.12605$Qu5....@newsread2.news.pas.earthlink.net...
Cornhuskeress
Brain-washed? (cue Twilight Zone music)
--
**Geri**
rebecca
"Cornhuskeress" <cahusk...@sbcglobalGOAWAY.net> wrote in message
news:_u9Mc.95509$DB6....@newssvr29.news.prodigy.com...
Cornhuskeress
Good idea. Let's apply that to everyone involved.
--
**Geri**
rebecca
"Cornhuskeress" <cahusk...@sbcglobalGOAWAY.net> wrote in message
>
> Good idea. Let's apply that to everyone involved.
>
Agreed. Wasn't directed at only you.
rebecca
megmotheroffour
Meg
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
<me...@optonline.net> wrote:
>woops, my bad. sorry !!
Don't worry abt it. I'll just remind YD not to go too far into her
political views, which it seems may run closely to yours.
Kitten
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the hungry, comforts the sorrowful, shelters the destitute. And serves
those who harm it. -- Menno Simons, 1539
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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or a pill, It comes from discipline. From taking everything life hands
you and being your best either because of it or in spite of it.
-- Ty Murray
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
jane
>don't want to go back to her house anymore, but it is court law for me
>to go and I was woundering if you guys could give me some advice.
>Adiggato and Syanara
Don't discuss politics with your mother.
jane
n...@impactwp.com
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:hui0g0d9ib79jd03f...@4ax.com...
Heh. If I discussed politics with my Dad we'd never see one another.
I'd say avoid the issues. The homeschooling thing is a little harder as it
is your chosen way of life, but still, you don't need Mom to love it, you
just need her to leave you, Kitten and Chewy to get on with it. I know we'd
all like to be able to discuss everything with our parents, but sometimes,
you've got to learn when to keep quiet. My Dad actively tries to push my
buttons on stuff I feel strongly about, just to get a rise out of me. I've
learned to be the bigger person seeing as he seems incapable of doing so.
Nikki
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
<kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com> wrote:
Thanks so much for the idea's on what to do with my mom. It seems that
we have no common ground and I have indeed become more like my
dad......other then my anime obsession. I'll try and talk to her about
it but I've decided I would like bio-mom to come here and talk to me
instead of me going to her house, for I feel a lot safer here then I
do there. Thanks again for your posts or as I would like to say
Domo-adigato-gozemus ^_____________^
The Watsons
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:q05ag0hv9c3cl3cn0...@4ax.com...
>other then my anime obsession. I'll try and talk to her about
Jess
Amy Lou
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:q05ag0hv9c3cl3cn0...@4ax.com...
G'day Sha-kun
I have a few questions for you.
1. Is it possible for your Mom to come visit you? Where would she stay?
Would she be able to afford it?
2. How often do you talk to your Mom on the phone and what are those
conversations like?
3. Is it possible you take your Mom's comments to heart? I mean, just
because she has a different view of things to you doesn't mean you can't
still be friends does it? A lot of teens I know have a very good word for
cutting difficult conversations short. You've probably heard of it. Its
"whatever". You sound like a very intelligent girl, maybe this word is a bit
beneath you. You could probably come up with something much better like "Mom
I really don't want to discuss this with you"?
Hooroo
Amy ( who is off to find out what an anime is)
Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
wrote:
>G'day Sha-kun
>
>I have a few questions for you.
>
>1. Is it possible for your Mom to come visit you? Where would she stay?
>Would she be able to afford it?
>
>2. How often do you talk to your Mom on the phone and what are those
>conversations like?
>
>3. Is it possible you take your Mom's comments to heart? I mean, just
>because she has a different view of things to you doesn't mean you can't
>still be friends does it? A lot of teens I know have a very good word for
>cutting difficult conversations short. You've probably heard of it. Its
>"whatever". You sound like a very intelligent girl, maybe this word is a bit
>beneath you. You could probably come up with something much better like "Mom
>I really don't want to discuss this with you"?
>
>Hooroo
>
>Amy ( who is off to find out what an anime is)
>
Here are my answers.
1.Yes my mom can come down here to visit me.Right now we are trying to
get a guest cabin out in the back so she could stay here if she wanted
to, and I don't know if she could afford it, if she saved money she
could.
2.We talk on the phone so little, the convos. are mostly like "When
are you coming to see me?" and "What do you want for your B-day." I've
been so far from my mom that she barely knows me.
3.I don't know if I do but everything she says makes me feel she
doesn't respect me. Yeah we could be friends but this also means she
has to respect my point a view too. I've tried to tell her that I wish
not to degauss it but she goes on like she doesn't hear me.
-Sha-kun (anime is a Japanese cartoon)
Bakanashojo say: Rumors are for sissies
jane
>get a guest cabin out in the back so she could stay here if she wanted
>to, and I don't know if she could afford it, if she saved money she
>could.
>
Well, you do have to consider all the details if you are offering this up as an
alternative. I don't know what your mother's financial situation is, whether
she has enough budget flexibility to save money. But from what I've heard it
doesn't sound to me as though she can leave her family for any significant
amount of time.
I mention this because you do not want to fall into the trap of offering
quasi-reasonable alternatives. If you don't want to see her, say that you
don't want to see her. Don't offer an alternative that is so impracticable
that she has to be the one to say no, just to put the burden of refusal on her.
jane
The Watsons
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:crjcg017trldpmb48...@4ax.com...
> 2.We talk on the phone so little, the convos. are mostly like "When
> are you coming to see me?" and "What do you want for your B-day." I've
> been so far from my mom that she barely knows me.
>
> 3.I don't know if I do but everything she says makes me feel she
> doesn't respect me. Yeah we could be friends but this also means she
> has to respect my point a view too. I've tried to tell her that I wish
> not to degauss it but she goes on like she doesn't hear me.
You talk on the phone very little so she barely knows you, and when you do
talk to her, you feel disrespected. I'm wondering if maybe more contact
instead of less would be the solution-maybe she's coming across as
disrespectful because she doesn't know what your limit is or what you
consider respect.
You're pretty internet-capable, how is she? Is emailing her once or twice a
week or maybe sending letters an option?
Jess
Amy Lou
Sha-kun wrote:
> 1.Yes my mom can come down here to visit me.Right now we are trying to
> get a guest cabin out in the back so she could stay here if she wanted
> to, and I don't know if she could afford it, if she saved money she
> could.
>
> 2.We talk on the phone so little, the convos. are mostly like "When
> are you coming to see me?" and "What do you want for your B-day." I've
> been so far from my mom that she barely knows me.
Mmmm
> 3.I don't know if I do but everything she says makes me feel she
> doesn't respect me. Yeah we could be friends but this also means she
> has to respect my point a view too. I've tried to tell her that I wish
> not to degauss it but she goes on like she doesn't hear me.
>
> -Sha-kun (anime is a Japanese cartoon)
>
> Bakanashojo say: Rumors are for sissies
Well the solution seems obvious to me. :)
How about looking at this as a challenge, an education if you like, in
communication. Get some books on it and learn how to do it well. Practice
makes perfect. Communication is a powerful life skill. When you are good at
it the world is your oyster.
Best of luck.
Amy
Anne Robotti
wrote:
>How about looking at this as a challenge, an education if you like, in
>communication. Get some books on it and learn how to do it well. Practice
>makes perfect. Communication is a powerful life skill. When you are good at
>it the world is your oyster.
How about making a list of things you *can* talk to her about? Send
her a CD of a band you like, send her a book you're reading - in other
words, something neutral to talk about. If she tells you she saw a
movie, go see it. That'll give you something. Does she have a hobby
she could tell you more about? Pretend you're interviewing her to
write an article about her, that'll help you to be more objective
about what she's saying, because you won't be taking her opinions so
personally.
Anne
Amy Lou
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@deletemelscomm.net> wrote in message
news:obtdg0dru02asbpml...@4ax.com...
Yep, and while you are doing all this practicing (which you'll be doing
regularly by phone to keep building your skills) she will be getting to know
you a lot better.
So long as you remember to respect yourself, set boundaries when you need
to, she will be gaining respect for you too.
Amy
news.eclipse.co.uk
"Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe" <kitte...@stbrigidsgatefarm-at-peoplepc.com>
wrote in message news:crjcg017trldpmb48...@4ax.com...
>snip> 2.We talk on the phone so little, the convos. are mostly like "When
> are you coming to see me?" and "What do you want for your B-day." I've
> been so far from my mom that she barely knows me.
Hi again
What you wrote above is the justification that my ex husband and I used to
give ourselves as to why 'our' BM should have to stay away from my SS. She
didn't know him, conversations and letters were painful. Worse, she didn't
know how to get to know him. I don't know why this seems to be missing from
her personality, but it just is. She's not good at getting others to talk
about themselves.
You're not a little kid, my SS was. I realised that actually *I* could help
the situation by helping BM to get to know SS as it would make things easier
for them both. So I started emailing her, keeping her up to date with what
he liked to do with his friends, what their names were, how he was getting
on at school.
You're too big for Kitten and Chewy to do this for you :-) But you can teach
your Mom about you, just as other posters have suggested. Only seeing
someone once a year is not a justification. Heck my friends Andrea and
Jonathan just moved back to the UK after living 5 years in St Louis. I have
*literally* seen them for one evening a year for each of those five years,
plus four days with Andrea in NY in 2000. We still know one another, we
still talk, we share, we're interested in each other. This is because we
make the effort to do so.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is your fault or anything silly like
that. And maybe sure, in a perfect world, your Mom would be the one making
all of these overtures to improve your relationship. But she isn't, for
whatever reason (or she might be, what do I know?!). You're the one here
asking for the advice, which shows great strength of character IMO. While
you might be feeling hard done by around your Mom, the skills you are
learning and using now will carry very well into your future. You're not
only taking steps to heal your relationship with your Mom, you're learning
things that will help you over and over in your relationships with people.
About the disagreeing over opinions stuff. IME and IMO a person is only ever
really threatened by someone else's disagreement with their opinions when
they're not completely confident in themselves. If you can get happy
yourself with your beliefs and opinions and get an unshakeable faith that
you believe the right things for you, it won't matter so much if Mom takes
you to task over it. You'll then find the calm to be able to say 'actually
Mom, we're going to fight over this because we don't agree, so let's just
leave it there, shall we?'.
And if that doesn't work, try and fit in a visit to England. I'll take you
to meet *my* Dad who thinks nothing of trying to rile me (over and over and
over) about my opinions on home education (yes we're doing it too), home
birth, extended breastfeeding. And don't get me started on how he takes me
to task over not watching or reading the news. He seems to think that him
obsessing negatively over world affairs actually contributes to it becoming
a better world. Mostly these days I smile and nod - but what I don't do is
enter discussion about it. He's not a fan of opening up his mind to new
thinking, so why put myself through that?
I think you're very brave.
Nikki
jane
>to task over not watching or reading the news. He seems to think that him
>obsessing negatively over world affairs actually contributes to it becoming
>a better world.
Melissa is your father?!
jane
>Nikki