Need a little advice - Sorry, This is long
Michael Hall
helpful -- it is much appreciated. Please bear with me as I try to explain
the most recent situation: My SD is 11 and I have known her for 8 years.
Things weren't so bad for the first 6-7 years, however, the last year has
been really difficult. Surprisingly, I always thought our relationship --
even with BM -- has been pretty good. Within the last year or two, I have
become BM and SD's punching bag. I'm trying desperately to understand what
has happened. BM's major complaint is that DH doesn't spend enough
one-on-one time with BD -- which DH readily admits he can fix. We get BD
every Thurs. and every other weekend Thur. - Mon (a.m.). DH rarely misses
an event in SD's life. DH and I now have three children of our own (6, 4,
and 2). BM says SD is jealous and wants time alone with her father. We
understand and agree with this -- however, this issue has led to many other
issues concerning me. These are some of the issues most recently brought up
by BM and SD: 1. Why do I go out by myself every Saturday when SD is
here? (I am a stay-at-home Mom and Saturday or Sunday is usually the only
day when DH can watch the kids so I can get a break -- I don't have any
family nearby) 2. BM believes I have no business disciplining SD. ( I
admit to having yelled at SD --the same way I yell at my kids -- not proud
of it, but admit to it. I have since, not raised my voice to SD and if
there is an issue, I go to DH and he speaks with SD). 3. I don't do
laundry quickly enough for SD. (I know I don't have to explain myself on
this issue to all you Mom's!!! However, there were two articles of clothing
that SD couldn't find and blamed on my laundering abilities -- both articles
of clothing were eventually found at BM's house! By the way, BM agrees with
SD about this issue -- BM doesn't live in my house, but apparently knows how
often and how much laundry I do -- A little ironic humor -- DH told me when
they were married, ex hated to do laundry and even went so far as to wear
hubbies tighty whities when she had nothing clean -- sorry, just had to say
it!!) 4. I took SD to my daughter's school fair -- it was her choice to
come or not -- we had a good time. BM came back and said "I" shouldn't have
taken her -- DH should have taken her. 5. BM said that she doesn't care
about my children -- she has a responsibility to her daughter!!! (But I'm
supposed to care about SD without question right?!) 6. It is always
mentioned that BM doesn't have the luxury of "Staying-at-home" with her
kids like I do. 6. At the mention of getting together to discuss these
issues -- which she does not want to talk directly to me about -- she says
she doesn't have time -- she's very busy. 7. Going back to court to raise
child support is a constant threat uttered by BM. (We have two complete
households for SD -- full closet of clothing at our house, toys, etc. -- she
brings nothing with her.) 8. Money is a huge issue with BM and SD. It
appears that true "love" is shown only when a large amount of money is
spent. The gift is not the issue -- only how much the gift was and where it
was bought. I can buy her a Hilfiger shirt, but it's no good because it was
bought at a discount store for 1/3 the price -- SD told DH this last week.
Please help me understand -- is this typical pre-teen issues??? Would these
same things happen if we were a "traditional" family?? I want to be able to
defend myself, but I feel that I can't. Should DH and I go to therapy
together or should I go alone? Most important of all ----- Why, if I feel I
am doing my best -- do I feel so guilty and hurt at these
accusations!!!!!!!?????
rebecca
Okay, deal with the big one - the time issue. Make sure that SD gets some
time - each weekend - alone with dad. Everything else you listed seems just
sort of petty and silly to me, normal on SD's part, bitchy on BM's.
"Michael Hall" <mike.mo...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:mLtP6.44348$t12.3...@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
1. Why do I go out by myself every Saturday when SD is
> here? (I am a stay-at-home Mom and Saturday or Sunday is usually the only
> day when DH can watch the kids so I can get a break -- I don't have any
> family nearby)
Sorry, did BM bring this up or SD? Not BM's business, if SD is complaining,
try to make sure she gets some alone time with dad on the weekends she's
with you.
2. BM believes I have no business disciplining SD. ( I
> admit to having yelled at SD --the same way I yell at my kids -- not proud
> of it, but admit to it. I have since, not raised my voice to SD and if
> there is an issue, I go to DH and he speaks with SD).
What does DH say about your role in discipline? I think it's pretty common
that stepparents can enforce house rules, but in difficult situations, or if
the stepchild is being particularly monstrous, the birthparent should be the
one dealing with the problem.
3. I don't do
> laundry quickly enough for SD.
ROFL. Okay, if someone said that to me, they'd immediately be put in charge
of doing their own laundry. And that goes for adults in the house as well.
I _hate_ laundry.
4. I took SD to my daughter's school fair -- it was her choice to
> come or not -- we had a good time. BM came back and said "I" shouldn't
have
> taken her -- DH should have taken her.
5. BM said that she doesn't care
> about my children -- she has a responsibility to her daughter!!! (But I'm
> supposed to care about SD without question right?!)
6. It is always
> mentioned that BM doesn't have the luxury of "Staying-at-home" with her
> kids like I do.
My, she feel awfully free to comment on your life, doesn't she? Look,
you've been this kid's stepmom for a long time. Presumably, you and your DH
have taken the time to build a family life, and really, unless it's really
questionable or intrusive into BM's personal life, it's really not for her
to criticize. But unless your DH makes it clear to her to knock it off, she
never will.
6. At the mention of getting together to discuss these
> issues -- which she does not want to talk directly to me about -- she says
> she doesn't have time -- she's very busy.
Yeah, our BM is a hit-and-run complainer too. If this list is the best
she's got to complain about, I'd say you're doing pretty darn well!
7. Going back to court to raise
> child support is a constant threat uttered by BM. (We have two complete
> households for SD -- full closet of clothing at our house, toys, etc. --
she
> brings nothing with her.)
8. Money is a huge issue with BM and SD. It
> appears that true "love" is shown only when a large amount of money is
> spent.
Money and BM is one issue; money and SD is another. Does BM have enough
money? Is your DH paying schedule child support? Not much you can do about
threats to go to court, you just have to ride it out. As for SD, well, it's
like the laundry issue. People who don't appreciate my gifts don't get any.
Hope that helps a little.
Rebecca
Michael Hall
>
>Okay, deal with the big one - the time issue. Make sure that SD gets some
>time - each weekend - alone with dad. Everything else you listed seems
just
>sort of petty and silly to me, normal on SD's part, bitchy on BM's.
I admit this is an area we need to work on.
>
>My, she feel awfully free to comment on your life, doesn't she?
I think this has become her new hobby.
>
>>
>Money and BM is one issue; money and SD is another. Does BM have enough
>money? Is your DH paying schedule child support? Not much you can do
about
>threats to go to court, you just have to ride it out. As for SD, well,
it's
>like the laundry issue. People who don't appreciate my gifts don't get
any.
>
DH has never missed his scheduled child support. I think part of BM's
problem is that DH started to make more money after they split up --
however, we do have three children of our own now. How do you know how much
is enough? DH pays $550 a month. Is this enough -- I never really sat down
and tried to figure it out. Is there a formula to figure it out? Thanks
again for listening. Molly
>
Vicki Robinson
<How do you know how much
<is enough? DH pays $550 a month. Is this enough -- I never really sat down
<and tried to figure it out. Is there a formula to figure it out? Thanks
<again for listening. Molly
<
Oh, yes indeedy there is. I should say "there are" formulas,
actually, because CS standards are set by the state in the US.
Where are you?
Vicki
--
Family and Divorce Mediation Resources
http://xcski.com/~mediator/
rebecca
> rebecca wrote in message ...
> >
> >Okay, deal with the big one - the time issue. Make sure that SD gets
some
> >time - each weekend - alone with dad. Everything else you listed seems
> just
> >sort of petty and silly to me, normal on SD's part, bitchy on BM's.
>
>
> I admit this is an area we need to work on.
> >
> >My, she feel awfully free to comment on your life, doesn't she?
>
> I think this has become her new hobby.
You know, it may be that once DH starts more actively parenting SD, BM's
attitude will ease up a bit. (You can always hope, anyway.)
Just make sure that DH does it *because it's the right thing to do* not
because BM's nagging him. Shoot, I don't know how to phrase this really,
but what you don't want to do is create a situation where BM or SD think
they can hold your household hostage to whatever they want - just by
behaving in an unpleasant manner. Does that make sense?
Rebecca
LoriW
www.alllaw.com I think...let me know what state and I might be able to
point you direct to it.
As for the time alone...I'd make sure DH and SD get some, but make sure SD
doesn't get some and want all of it.
A stay at home mom deserves a lot of credit, I've been both, working and
stay at home...neither are easy...but if you can swing it financially, stick
with it if you and DH are both happy about it, BM can't say that you need to
work to pay her more money.
Good luck with all this.
Lori W
Michael Hall <mike.mo...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:4wyP6.44801$t12.3...@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
Lindy
feel bad about anything. School fair?? Laundry?? Petty.
As for the teenage, clothing issue. I think it is the age or something.
My SS is 13 and he acts the same way. We'll might buy him a Nike or
Addidas stuff at Value City or some other discount store and his
grandparents (his BM's parents) will buy him the most expensive stuff at
Penny's or Lazarus or Footlocker, etc and he won't touch our stuff.
That makes me mad. The thing is that we have a great Penny's outlet and
we spent $200 or more on clothes for him in March and he'll only wear a
few items eventhough he picked everything out and "just had to have
them".
Child support...$550 is enough...more than enough for 1 child. I
actually think that is extreme. DH only gets $50 bucks a month.
Hang in there, Lindy
Karla
Lindy wrote:
>
> You don't have to justify anything to the BM. Don't let her make you
> feel bad about anything. School fair?? Laundry?? Petty.
Interesting...it just struck me: what is it about the pettiness that
gets to us? I mean, every day people hold up petty stuff and we brush
it off without a problem. Why is it when a BM does something petty we
react?
I mean, if someone cracked wise about "didn't do the laundry yet I
see..." I'd make a wise crack in return. If BM said something, it
would come out something along the lines of: Who does she think she is?
I have the responsibility of raising HER kids because she's got her head
wedged where it smells bad and needs a glass navel so she can see
without bumping into things and she has the *nerve* to make a comment to
ME about laundry?!
Why do you think that is? Is it that we're looking at someone our DH's
had a relationship with and finding ourselves lacking? Is it that we
have to prove to ourselves that somehow we're not her...even though we
know that to be true? What?
Maybe I'm thinking too much on a Saturday morning before having my
coffee...I don't know. It just struck me.
--
karla
I never expected there to be a blue light special on enlightenment -
Greg Brown
merrie
against me.
Via the court and via the kid and for some of us - via the unwitting spouse.
Merrie
Karla <ka...@ntcorp.com> wrote in message
news:3B0FC3D6...@ntcorp.com...
Melody R Baugher
>
>Lindy wrote:
>>
>> You don't have to justify anything to the BM. Don't let her make you
>> feel bad about anything. School fair?? Laundry?? Petty.
>
>Interesting...it just struck me: what is it about the pettiness that
>gets to us? I mean, every day people hold up petty stuff and we brush
>it off without a problem. Why is it when a BM does something petty we
>react?
One difference between a BM (or BF) & any other person is that if the
any other person made enough disparaging remarks we wouldn't just
ignore the remarks we'd ignore the person - in other words, stop
associating with that person. We can't with a BM (or MIL or any other
relative that we have (or sometimes want) to interact with
frequently).
>I mean, if someone cracked wise about "didn't do the laundry yet I
>see..." I'd make a wise crack in return. If BM said something, it
>would come out something along the lines of: Who does she think she is?
>I have the responsibility of raising HER kids because she's got her head
>wedged where it smells bad and needs a glass navel so she can see
>without bumping into things and she has the *nerve* to make a comment to
>ME about laundry?!
Shoot, I keep asking myself this about DH too. :) (Though I do think
I have more of a right to expect DH to not do this, especially when
I've spoken to him about it.) I think it still comes down to having
to interact with someone that behaves poorly toward us - it just adds
insult to injury when we're doing that person a favor (taking care of
their kids).
>Why do you think that is? Is it that we're looking at someone our DH's
>had a relationship with and finding ourselves lacking? Is it that we
>have to prove to ourselves that somehow we're not her...even though we
>know that to be true? What?
>
>Maybe I'm thinking too much on a Saturday morning before having my
>coffee...I don't know. It just struck me.
Hope that helped. :) Now if you could help me get a mindset to deal
with DH :) - I do know a lot of his problem is habit but it's still
annoying.
Take care of yourself,
Melody
Anne Haas
parents, or out kids, or... Anyone we feel vulnerable about at that point in
time.
I disagree with trying to prove yourself against her though. Remember, he's no
longer married to her (doesn't matter who instigated the divorce). He is
married to you. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone.
AnneH
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might
be the world."
ru...@i-1.net
raising their kids. it would feel different if they actually made nice
comments in appreciation for all the things we do instead of finding
fault in what the kids say we don't do. and it's all about making
themselves look larger than life! (maybe just to themselves, but it
must be in the rulebook somewhere!)
good point though!
--
God Bless!
-----------
Ruth Berry
Signature Images
http://www.berryimages.com
Jas:1:5: If any of you lack wisdom,
let him ask of God, that giveth to
all men liberally, and upbraideth not;
and it shall be given him.
joyojoy
ru...@i-1.net wrote in message <3B10740F...@i-1.net>...
>I think you hit right on it when you said that we SP's are working to
>raising their kids. it would feel different if they actually made nice
>comments in appreciation for all the things we do instead of finding
>fault in what the kids say we don't do. and it's all about making
>themselves look larger than life! (maybe just to themselves, but it
>must be in the rulebook somewhere!)
>
>good point though!
Why should a BM appreciate (or at least show appreciation for) us? They
didnt ask us to become SPs to their children. The same goes for us. We didnt
ask to take on the responsibilities for their children. Fact is we just have
to put up with the BM and the BM just has to put up with us. May as well
just make the best of it and not let the petty things get to us.
joyojoy
Karla
joyojoy wrote:
>
> Why should a BM appreciate (or at least show appreciation for) us? They
> didnt ask us to become SPs to their children. The same goes for us. We didnt
> ask to take on the responsibilities for their children. Fact is we just have
> to put up with the BM and the BM just has to put up with us. May as well
> just make the best of it and not let the petty things get to us.
> joyojoy
I feel that I did "ask" when I got involved with a man that has
children. It's a package deal. Miles asked when he got involved with
me because my kids and I are a package deal. When you have kids around,
it means there are levels of responsibilities. I didn't want to be the
main mother figure for his kids but it was a reality I had to be
accepting of or I wouldn't be here.
Actually, my ex has made comments to the effect that he's glad Miles is
around to help influence the boys. He's glad that Miles goes to
parent-teacher conferences, plays, talent shows, etc. He was glad that
Miles did all the organizational work around camps this year, etc. He
knows he won't do it and that, while I was involved in all the work of
finding camps and setting things up, he finds it much easier to deal
with Miles' style in terms of numbers, etc.
Until the final court battles began to happen, the one thing that BM
kept saying to various people was that she was glad I was here to
influence the kids and she appreciated that I would do things like help
SS make gifts for her, etc. She wouldn't tell the kids or us that, but
she did tell enough people that it got back to me a number of times. I
think that's why I was willing to tolerate a lot of the BS she was
throwing out. It was only once it became a reality that SS was living
here and not with her that things got particularly ugly. That's when
she started attacking my character in front of people she thought would
be able to "give back" SS to her. So when she criticizes something
stupid, it does tend to send me off the deep end because she does so as
an attack on character.
It's ironic that my ex and I have learned to co-parent since it was
something we couldn't even manage when we were together. I credit a lot
of that to Miles because he was able to say things to my ex in a way he
could hear. For example, when I signed our oldest boy up for scouts
(which my ex said "did no good for him - why would the kids benefit from
it?") for a night he was with us, my ex began asking for more time with
the boys. I suggested he take our oldest to scouts and he began his
patented rant routine about scouts. Miles then said, "Um, she's
offering you more time with the boys. If I were you, I'd take it before
she changes her mind because it's time to put up or shut up." In the
end, he not only enjoyed taking our oldest to scouts but he became the
cubmaster for our youngest. For a year SS and my Fishy were in my ex's
den.
As for not asking for the responsibility end goes, my ex never asked to
be responsible for SS in any way, shape or form. SS has latched onto my
ex and my ex is really good about it. While he doesn't encourage SS, he
also doesn't discourage or reject him either. SD made a comment once
about how weird it is that, even with my ex included, we are a
functional family. The one thing my ex did that had me and three
lawyers scrape our chins off the floor was when we were hammering out
the details in our custody agreement, he insisted there be something in
there that would guarantee Miles time with the boys just in case, gawd
forbid, something happen to me. His feeling was Miles is a father
figure and the skids are part of their lives...just because I'm not
present doesn't mean my ex has the right to cut the boys off from people
to whom they have ties.
Granted, my ex can still be a number one bone head about a number of
issues but all-in-all, I feel like I could have done far, far worse
overall. Now, if only BM could be that way.....
gwydion
Karla wrote:
> joyojoy wrote:
> >
> > Why should a BM appreciate (or at least show appreciation for) us? They
> > didnt ask us to become SPs to their children. The same goes for us. We didnt
> > ask to take on the responsibilities for their children. Fact is we just have
> > to put up with the BM and the BM just has to put up with us. May as well
> > just make the best of it and not let the petty things get to us.
> > joyojoy
>
> I feel that I did "ask" when I got involved with a man that has
> children. It's a package deal. Miles asked when he got involved with
> me because my kids and I are a package deal. When you have kids around,
> it means there are levels of responsibilities. I didn't want to be the
> main mother figure for his kids but it was a reality I had to be
> accepting of or I wouldn't be here.
Just want to "nit-pick" here. I chose the man and his kids as a package deal, but
if I had chosen BM, I would have been at their wedding screaming, no , no no, not
her, marry a reasonable woman so that I will be dealing with some reasonable
person years from now when I'm the step mom. And if BM had ever even accepted
that DH would remarry, and she had _any_ choice about it, she would have chosen
for the new spouse to be someone with (well okay) bluer blood, better fashion
sense, and a greater appreciation of high society.
The BM is of course part of the package deal too. Just the part that I like the
least. Every so often I realize that (despite myself) the admiration I feel for
my (HER) girls, just plain reflects a higher opinion of BM than I think I have. I
think the first time I figured this out was when YD hit puberty hard and wanted to
call her mother a F****** B**** to me. I was incensed with YD. "Isn't this the
woman who changed your diapers? Isn't this the woman who gave birth to you?
Isn't this the woman who pulled dead skin off your skin burn everyday so that you
wouldn't have ugly scars?" I think you get the idea.
Maybe I don't like the way BM treats me (and I Don't). But eventually I caught on
that she had a BIG part in creating these 2 beauties I call SDs. Just never say I
chose her, I did chose the package.
Thanks Karla, for letting me piggy back on your message,
BarbE
Now I need to go read the rest of the message. This paragraph was as far as I
got.
Vicki Robinson
<I think you hit right on it when you said that we SP's are working to
<raising their kids.
And for a large number of those bioparents, they don't *want* anyone
else working to raise their kids. This is not necessarily a good
thing in many people's estimation, especially if their marriages ended
without their consent, and the stepmom or stepdad they have to put up
with is the person with whom the ex was cheating. My marriage ended
because I couldn't take it any more, and there was no infidelity on
either side, so it's easy for me to accept my very wonderful
wife-in-law. My marriage was definitely over for me when she came on
the scene, and even now she and my ex do not cohabit and they are not
married, so she's even more removed from genuine stepmotherhood. But
look at a biomom at the other end of the spectrum from me. If she had
her way, she'd still be married to her ex, and they'd have a strong
and thriving, intimate marriage and be raising their children
together. Why in the world would this biomom welcome *any*
participation whatsoever from any other woman, however wonderful she
is? Additonally, if the stepmom is someone who contributed to the
breakup of her marriage, how can anyone think that she'd recognize the
stepmom's contribution as a good one? In fact, if it were me, I'd
worry about the values and morals my kids would be learning.
<it would feel different if they actually made nice
<comments in appreciation for all the things we do instead of finding
<fault in what the kids say we don't do. and it's all about making
<themselves look larger than life! (maybe just to themselves, but it
<must be in the rulebook somewhere!)
<
Maybe it's a desperate attempt to not lose one's kids to another
person whom one had no hand in choosing. I can appreciate the pain of
a lot of biomoms and biodads, even those who don't have the extreme
situation that I outlined above. As much as I like my ex's SO, I'd
hit the ceiling if my kids ever started calling her Mom, and if she
were functioning as a mother to them rather than as their adult friend
who loves them and cares about them I'd have a much harder time with
things.
Anne Robotti
side, helping her look at BM in a positive light... half the time everything she's
saying about BM is stuff I've said myself in private. But I know that it will be
much easier for *SD* (dont' care about BM) if she learns to have a workable
relationship with her mother.
Anne
Anne Robotti
Vicki Robinson wrote:
> Maybe it's a desperate attempt to not lose one's kids to another
> person whom one had no hand in choosing. I can appreciate the pain of
> a lot of biomoms and biodads, even those who don't have the extreme
> situation that I outlined above. As much as I like my ex's SO, I'd
> hit the ceiling if my kids ever started calling her Mom, and if she
> were functioning as a mother to them rather than as their adult friend
> who loves them and cares about them I'd have a much harder time with
> things.
Excuse me, didn't we have this "Mom" argument just three weeks ago,
and weren't you on the other side?
But htat's now why I'm piggybacking on. I just wanted to acknowledge
that I'd be the BM from *hell* to anyone Chuck married after me. So when
she's in here posting, be gentle.
Anne
Vicki Robinson
<Vicki Robinson wrote:
<
<> As much as I like my ex's SO, I'd
<> hit the ceiling if my kids ever started calling her Mom, and if she
<> were functioning as a mother to them rather than as their adult friend
<> who loves them and cares about them I'd have a much harder time with
<> things.
<
<Excuse me, didn't we have this "Mom" argument just three weeks ago,
<and weren't you on the other side?
MOI? No way, mon ami. Never. I've always been completely
unreasonable about this, but I would *never* let my stepkids call me
"mom", and I'd have to kill someone if my kids called anyone else
"mom."
No no never never uh-uh-uh.
<
<But htat's now why I'm piggybacking on. I just wanted to acknowledge
<that I'd be the BM from *hell* to anyone Chuck married after me. So when
<she's in here posting, be gentle.
We will. And we'll be nice to you, too.
Anne Robotti
that it was no big deal, the inference being that I was being uptight and anal
about this. I think you're having a senior moment!
Anne
Vicki Robinson
<Vicki, you absolutely did say that some of your students call you Mom and
<that it was no big deal, the inference being that I was being uptight and anal
<about this. I think you're having a senior moment!
<
Oh, STUDENTS. Yes. I was thinking about stepkids and biokids.
Stoonts are different because they don't mean it, by any stretch of
the imagination.
Kym Smith
that would be fine, but what about the the BM that have remarried and it
is okay for the step dad be a part of her childrens life, but the BD who
has remarried and the BM doesn't like the SM to have anything to do with
her child and just make it impossible for the child to love anyone
except mommie, because the child/children are scared of getting into
trouble for loving their other parent and step parent. I would not
consider this a petty thing.
Kym
Melissa
>
>Stoonts are different because they don't mean it, by any stretch of
>the imagination.
Ok why can't you assume that stepkids don't mean it either?
Sorry Vicki but this seems kind of inconsistant to me, and I can't believe you
are capable of being inconsistant.
You're saying that for students mom has a different meaning. Why wouldn't
calling an SM moe have a different meaning as well?
Of course in your defense I don't want the SK's calling me mom. I'd be damn
uncomfortable with it.
Love,
Melissa
"Being a Grown up is a bitch sometimes."
-V. Robinson
Vicki Robinson
<Ok why can't you assume that stepkids don't mean it either?
<
First of all, the disclaimer: In this post I am speaking of children
who have biomoms who are involved in their lives, sane and fully
engaged in the business of momdom. I am specifically excluding kids
of absent or truly neglectful biomoms, or biomoms who are so
substance-dependent or mentally ill that they are precluded from being
moms in spite of good intentions. I'm talking about my own biokids,
in fact.
<Ok why can't you assume that stepkids don't mean it either?
Because they might. They might be trying to get their biomom's goat.
They might be trying to ingratiate themselves with their stepmom.
They might be trying to scare their biomoms into thinking that they
want to be with their stepmoms more than they want to be
with their biomoms. Even kids who aren't playing games might, in
their youth and immaturity, assume that living with stepmom might be
lots more fun then living with boring old mom, since at dad's and
stepmom's they get to do whatever they want to, during the one weekend
a month they're there.
And if they don't mean it, why use a name that is so loaded when used
in the context of a parent-child relationship? When I was pregnant, I
dreamed about a little voice calling me "Mommy". I do not ever want
to share that with anyone, it's *mine*.
My students use it as a joke; they know it, I know it and no one gives
a fig. The situation is *much* cloudier in a step situation. If my
kids called one of their teachers Mom, I know for a fact that they
have no intention of displacing me.
<Sorry Vicki but this seems kind of inconsistant to me, and I can't believe you
<are capable of being inconsistant.
It's not inconsistent. I have no relationship with my students beyond
teaching them some physics and evaluating their success in learning
it. That's all. My relationship with my stepkids is MUCH more
parental, and the danger of their mom feeling that I'm trying to
squeeze her out exists. None of my students' parents would think such
a thing, it wouldn't even occur to them.
<You're saying that for students mom has a different meaning. Why wouldn't
<calling an SM moe have a different meaning as well?
<
Answered above. The relationship is totally different, in all ways.
<Of course in your defense I don't want the SK's calling me mom. I'd be damn
<uncomfortable with it.
And, if you have your own kids, you might mind much more than you
think now if they called a stepmother "Mom".
Anne Robotti
was in the context of my kids calling a stepmom (should they ever get one)
Mom.
Anne
Melissa
>First of all, the disclaimer: In this post I am speaking of children
>who have biomoms who are involved in their lives, sane and fully
>engaged in the business of momdom. I am specifically excluding kids
>of absent or truly neglectful biomoms, or biomoms who are so
>substance-dependent or mentally ill that they are precluded from being
>moms in spite of good intentions.
Ok I understand that.
I'm talking about my own biokids,
>in fact.
>
Ok.
>Because they might. They might be trying to get their biomom's goat.
>They might be trying to ingratiate themselves with their stepmom.
>They might be trying to scare their biomoms into thinking that they
>want to be with their stepmoms more than they want to be
>with their biomoms.
But that's alot of might's. It isn't they are and they aren't, but might. It
also might not mean anything.
It also might be the lack of a good title for a stepmom. Stepmom in itself is
pretty misleading, and I think it makes many SM's feel like they have to be
more involved than they are just by the title. Also Stepmom has bad
connotations.
People get really hung up on titles, and the lack of a good title for a beloved
stepmom or dad might be the reason for this as well.
>Even kids who aren't playing games might, in
>their youth and immaturity, assume that living with stepmom might be
>lots more fun then living with boring old mom, since at dad's and
>stepmom's they get to do whatever they want to, during the one weekend
>a month they're there.
Now that's a big assumption that stepkids get to do everything they want at the
ncp's house. Also since there are big disadvantages to the ncp's house most
noticeably being away from their usual neighborhood and friends.
>And if they don't mean it, why use a name that is so loaded when used
>in the context of a parent-child relationship?
Can you think of a good title for stepmom? Stepmom sucks, mom is short for
stepmom but really not appropriate, aunt is just kind of creepy. There really
isn't a good title for step parents. And if you get hung up on titles you have
to at least understand that.
>When I was pregnant, I
>dreamed about a little voice calling me "Mommy". I do not ever want
>to share that with anyone, it's *mine*.
>
But does the title really matter? You said that you were speaking of your
biokids. Your biokids know you're mom. The title doesn't tell them that
you're their mother, your relationship does.
>If my
>kids called one of their teachers Mom, I know for a fact that they
>have no intention of displacing me.
>
Actually you don't. Calling a teacher mom might be just as loaded. It might
be just as likely meant to hurt mom as calling a step mom mom. Kids can wish
alot of people were their parents, especially young ones.
>None of my students' parents would think such
>a thing, it wouldn't even occur to them.
I don't see why not. Although since you teach college kids it's much less
likely, but it still could be viewed as more than it actually is.
>And, if you have your own kids, you might mind much more than you
>think now if they called a stepmother "Mom".
>
Maybe, but than I've never cared about titles much. I think people get way to
hung up on them. I honestly believe that if the term stepmom didn't have "mom"
in the title people wouldn't get nearly as worked up about it.
Anne Robotti
Melissa wrote:
> >When I was pregnant, I
> >dreamed about a little voice calling me "Mommy". I do not ever want
> >to share that with anyone, it's *mine*.
> >
>
> But does the title really matter?
Yeah. It does.
And *if* it matters to the Mom, I say it's her call. I say that as a person
who's been not-the-mom and also who is the Mom.
Anne
Melissa
>
>And *if* it matters to the Mom, I say it's her call. I say that as a person
>who's been not-the-mom and also who is the Mom.
>
>Anne
But is it really about the mom, or the mom's insecurity?
Vicki Robinson
<>Because they might. They might be trying to get their biomom's goat.
[snip]
<
<But that's alot of might's. It isn't they are and they aren't, but might. It
<also might not mean anything.
<
There are more possibilities out there then I can possibly account
for. But if means nothing, why do it? Calling someone Mom is
serious, it designates a particular relationship. If it means
nothing, call the SP Clarice, or whatever.
<It also might be the lack of a good title for a stepmom. Stepmom in itself is
<pretty misleading, and I think it makes many SM's feel like they have to be
<more involved than they are just by the title. Also Stepmom has bad
<connotations.
My kids call my husband "Paul". Because that's his name. And my
stepkids call me "Vicki". Why do they need anything else? They never
say "Hello, Stepmom!" My kids never say "Is Stepdad coming to the
concert next week?" Why use anything other than a name?
<
<People get really hung up on titles, and the lack of a good title for a beloved
<stepmom or dad might be the reason for this as well.
<
Why is it necessary to have a title? What's wrong with a name?
<>Even kids who aren't playing games might, in
<>their youth and immaturity, assume that living with stepmom might be
<>lots more fun then living with boring old mom, since at dad's and
<>stepmom's they get to do whatever they want to, during the one weekend
<>a month they're there.
<
<Now that's a big assumption that stepkids get to do everything they want at the
<ncp's house.
It happens. Not in all households, but please don't tell me that I
have to put a disclaimer on every possibility that I use. Obviously,
clearly, without any doubt it's not the truth about all households.
It was only another possibility. And how many SPs have posted here
about kids wanting to move to the other bioparents for exactly this
reason?
<
<>And if they don't mean it, why use a name that is so loaded when used
<>in the context of a parent-child relationship?
<
<Can you think of a good title for stepmom? Stepmom sucks, mom is short for
<stepmom but really not appropriate, aunt is just kind of creepy. There really
<isn't a good title for step parents. And if you get hung up on titles you have
<to at least understand that.
I'm not hung up on titles. I don't want to share the designation
"Mom" with anyone else. "Mom" means something unique, and I won't
share that. That's all.
<
<>When I was pregnant, I
<>dreamed about a little voice calling me "Mommy". I do not ever want
<>to share that with anyone, it's *mine*.
<
<But does the title really matter?
The name matters.
<You said that you were speaking of your
<biokids. Your biokids know you're mom. The title doesn't tell them that
<you're their mother, your relationship does.
<
True. And if they called someone else Mom, it would feel as though
someone else were sharing that special bond with them. I don't want
to share it.
<>If my
<>kids called one of their teachers Mom, I know for a fact that they
<>have no intention of displacing me.
<>
<
<Actually you don't. Calling a teacher mom might be just as loaded. It might
<be just as likely meant to hurt mom as calling a step mom mom. Kids can wish
<alot of people were their parents, especially young ones.
Oh, come on. There is no way in hell that my 22 year-old students
saying "Yes, MOM" when I tell them that they should start turning in
their homework is going to rip their mother's heart out. Not if she's
got a shred of grounding in reality.
<
<>None of my students' parents would think such
<>a thing, it wouldn't even occur to them.
<
<I don't see why not. Although since you teach college kids it's much less
<likely, but it still could be viewed as more than it actually is.
No, it wouldn't. Unless, as I say, the bioparent were unbalanced.
<
<>And, if you have your own kids, you might mind much more than you
<>think now if they called a stepmother "Mom".
<>
<Maybe, but than I've never cared about titles much. I think people get way to
<hung up on them. I honestly believe that if the term stepmom didn't have "mom"
<in the title people wouldn't get nearly as worked up about it.
I wouldn't mind if my kids called their stepmom "stepmom". They
don't, they refer to her as "E" or "my father's friend". If E and my
ex were married or living together it might be different, but I'm sure
they wouldn't call her Mom. They have a mom. It wouldn't occur to
them. They can love her all they want, but she will NEVER be their
mom.
We're just going to have to agree to disagree here.
Vicki Robinson
<But is it really about the mom, or the mom's insecurity?
<
<
Melissa, now you're bordering on offensive. Don't DARE to
psychoanalyze me on the basis of the fact that my position in my
children's life is vitally important to me, and being called Mom is a
reflection of that relationship and its importance. I'm not the least
bit insecure about my relationship with my kids, but the name Mom is
an intimate term, and I will not share it.
Melissa
>for. But if means nothing, why do it? Calling someone Mom is
>serious, it designates a particular relationship. If it means
>nothing, call the SP Clarice, or whatever.
Why not do it? If kids are so hung up on mom why wouldn't they want a title
for their step parent? You have grandma, Aunt, uncle cousin, etc. We are
obsessed with titles for those we consider "family".
>My kids call my husband "Paul". Because that's his name. And my
>stepkids call me "Vicki". Why do they need anything else?
I personally have never seen the need for anything else, but other people
might. Also some people aren't comfortable with a kid calling them just by
their first name, kind of like how TC was.
>
>Why is it necessary to have a title? What's wrong with a name?
The very same thing could be said about "mom" and "dad". Why is it necessary
to have a title for them?
>Oh, come on. There is no way in hell that my 22 year-old students
>saying "Yes, MOM" when I tell them that they should start turning in
>their homework is going to rip their mother's heart out. Not if she's
>got a shred of grounding in reality.
>
I don't see why not. If the title is exclusive. There are parents who get mad
over their grown kids calling their inlaws "mom" or "dad".
>We're just going to have to agree to disagree here.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Like I said before I personally wouldn't want SS or SD to call me mom.
I still think the solution to this is to find a title for step parent that
doesn't include parent in it, but as it is I have yet to hear one that fit.
Anne Robotti
issue where it just doesn't matter how the stepmom sees it, and I
say that as a stepmom. Call it my insecurity, call it my love for my
children, call it whatever you want. But I think the Mom gets to
choose if that's her title or if it's shared.
Anne
Victoria...
Melissa wrote in message ...
.
>
> I still think the solution to this is to find a title for step parent that
> doesn't include parent in it, but as it is I have yet to hear one that fit.
> Love,
> Melissa
>
> "Being a Grown up is a bitch sometimes."
> -V. Robinson
My GD6 that lives with my SS26 Currently calls her Bio Mom "Mommy, or Mom", and
SS's SO "Mama Leah" we have all accepted the solution in our minds at this
point because GD6 was the one that came up with it. It made her comfortable,
and it was good for 'her'. Both Bio Mom and I balked at the idea for the first
few months (okay maybe closer to 6-8 months), because this woman was not even
GD6's Step Mom, but over the years it has become a comfort to know that GD6 has
2 "Maternal Figures" in her life that love her very much.
I personally think that any sort of "pet Name" would have done just as good for
a small child, but this is the one that she decided on, and she is
*****very***** stubborn, and you aren't going to stop her from calling people
whatever she wants them to be called! (Her POV)
--
Victoria...
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
http://www.emerysdiesel.com or
http://www.geocities.com/emerysdiesel
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Yesterday is history.. Tomorrow a mystery.. Today is a gift..That's why it's
called the present! Live and savor every moment.....this is not a dress
rehearsal!
Melissa
>psychoanalyze me on the basis of the fact that my position in my
>children's life is vitally important to me, and being called Mom is a
>reflection of that relationship and its importance. I'm not the least
>bit insecure about my relationship with my kids, but the name Mom is
>an intimate term, and I will not share it.
>
>Vicki
The comment wasn't even about you, but about oversensitivity in general. I do
have to wonder why you assume you're being psychoanalyzed though.
Yes I think in general people who are obsessed over titles, including family
ones have some insecurity over the role that got them that title. Does that
mean I think this is always the case? No, but it does make me wonder when
people get weird about stuff like that. I honestly don't understand it, and
it's even harder for me to grasp concerning you since you are usually so level
headed about things.
Yeah I know I'm not a mom, and that somehow is supposed to make my opinions on
this invalid, but alot of your resoning is lost on me. Especially since your
kids would never call their Dad's SO mom and you know this. You're possessive
over a title that you know no one is going to challenge. And your absolutism
concerning this is not at all like you.
If you want to be offended there's not much I can do about that.
Melissa
>issue where it just doesn't matter how the stepmom sees it, and I
>say that as a stepmom. Call it my insecurity, call it my love for my
>children, call it whatever you want. But I think the Mom gets to
>choose if that's her title or if it's shared.
I don't mean to be mean on this I don't, but it makes no sense to me. I guess
it will be one of those things I will suddenly understand when I have kids. :)
Anne Robotti
Melissa wrote:
> It also might be the lack of a good title for a stepmom. Stepmom in itself is
> pretty misleading, and I think it makes many SM's feel like they have to be
> more involved than they are just by the title. Also Stepmom has bad
> connotations.
>
> People get really hung up on titles, and the lack of a good title for a beloved
> stepmom or dad might be the reason for this as well.
>
My SD calls me "Anne". I know she doesn't love her Mom right now, right now she
thinks she loves me way more. Some day she might or might not love her Mom again,
once her hormones settle down. But to us, the title of "Anne" is pretty special.
Other
people call me Anne, but it's also her special name for me.
> Now that's a big assumption that stepkids get to do everything they want at the
> ncp's house. Also since there are big disadvantages to the ncp's house most
> noticeably being away from their usual neighborhood and friends.
I don't really see that it's a question of advantages or disadvantages at either
house. For me, this whole issue is right within my house. I have children, I'm
their Mom. I don't want them to call anybody else Mom. I think "Lisa-Mom"
sounds stupid and artificial, but if they wanted to go for that with a stepmom I
might go for it. Them calling her Mom or Mommy or Mother for me crosses
a line that it would hurt my feelings to have crossed. I would hope that my
children wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, I would hope that I would save that
"card" for the really important things. And this is one I would use it on. In fact,
I doubt whether Chuck, knowing how I feel about this, would encourage our
children to call another woman Mom.
> Actually you don't. Calling a teacher mom might be just as loaded. It might
> be just as likely meant to hurt mom as calling a step mom mom. Kids can wish
> alot of people were their parents, especially young ones.
And you know something? If I thought a teacher was getting involved in my
kids' lives to the point that they were calling her "Mom" in any kind of way that
indicated they *meant* it, I'd be raising hell about that too, and taking a *good*
hard look at myself as a parent. The problem with stepparents is, they're set up
as these pseudo-parents. Like it or not, we're *already* displacing parts of what
is, in intact families, the province of the parent-child relationship. If a teacher
was in my child's life in this way, I'd be questioning why. It's different. Anybody
can call anybody else Mom, I've called my *boss* Mom. So what? But if my
kids were calling a stepmom Mom, on some kind of consistent basis, that would
be a bad thing for me.
> Maybe, but than I've never cared about titles much. I think people get way to
> hung up on them. I honestly believe that if the term stepmom didn't have "mom"
> in the title people wouldn't get nearly as worked up about it.
I don't think Mom is just a title. I used to think that, but I don't now. I think
I've
already said, when my stepdaughter went through this brief phase of calling me
Mom, I couldnt' understand why her Mom freaked out so hard. Now I do.
Anne
Melissa
>she
>thinks she loves me way more. Some day she might or might not love her Mom
>again,
>once her hormones settle down. But to us, the title of "Anne" is pretty
>special.
I'm perfectly happy with being Melissa. one of my most uncomfortable moments
with William was when he said I was like a second mom. I thought "ugh I don't
want to be your mom." I'm perfectly happy wth Melissa. I never want to be
anything else, but I can see how someone else might not feel the same way.
>Them calling her Mom or Mommy or Mother for me crosses
>a line that it would hurt my feelings to have crossed. I would hope that my
>children wouldn't want to hurt my feelings,
I guess part of the problem is that I don't see how a stepkid calling a
stepparent mom or Dad has anything to do with their biomom or Dad.
Admittedly I'm thinking about this in terms of a stepkid and not as a parent.
My stepfather is a parent. I refer to he and mom as my parents, and when I
think of my parents I think of all three of my parents. It's not a slight
against my father, I just have two fathers. A biod dad and a stepdad. I may
not call SF dad, but he is a dad, and thinking of him as a dad has nothing to
do with my relationship as a father.
I had never even considered that this might hurt my dad's feelings until it
came up on Assp. I ended up talking to my father about it to gain perspective
and even he thought it would be silly to get his feelings hurt over this.
The closest thing I can use as a point of reference to this would be if someone
else started calling Geoff their partner, but I don't know that this would
bother me in every circumstance either. I just can't see this as an absolute
issue.
Anne Robotti
"not understand." It might be that you'll never care. And if not, then
if your kid ever gets a stepmom then this won't be an issue. I'm not
saying one way or hte other is right, I stand firmly by my different
strokes for different families policy. But I think that if you did suddenly
care, you would have a right to be the only Mom.
Anne
Kathy Cole
> It also might be the lack of a good title for a stepmom. Stepmom
> in itself is pretty misleading, and I think it makes many SM's feel
> like they have to be more involved than they are just by the title.
> Also Stepmom has bad connotations.
I usually introduce myself as my SD's stepmonster, though that doesn't
help to provide a title for her to use when talking to me. She also
uses it when introducing me :).
> People get really hung up on titles, and the lack of a good title
> for a beloved stepmom or dad might be the reason for this as well.
Yup. She usually calls me Kathy, but has slipped occasionally and
called me mom. She's never given us a reason to infer that she prefers
me to her mom or that she's trying to play any sort of game, but since
I'm filling a mom role for her (even more now that we're her primary
residence) it's seemed natural for her to occasionally refer to me that
way.
My son has similarly called my husband dad and his stepmom mom on
occasion. It's always seemed to be about the role, not about any
disrespect meant to the bioparents, so it's not bothered me when I've
been told of him calling his SM mom. And that's why we've not corrected
the kids about mom/dad mismatches or made an issue of it with them
(though we don't encourage it either).
However, if my SD's BM knew about it, I'm sure she'd be upset, as would
my ex. They're both more insecure than my husband and I, on a variety
of levels. Just as an example, my ex heard 'I don't love you or <SM's
name> anymore' come out of our eleven year old's mouth one day not too
long ago. Of all the stupidity (and this out of a teacher who's had
some child development coursework), my ex actually believed that Kris
meant it.
Another example: I know about my son calling his SM mom occasionally
because my ex believed it actually meant that Kris preferred her to me,
and decided to throw that in my face in hopes of upsetting me. (It
didn't work, which bummed him out.)
> But does the title really matter? You said that you were speaking
> of your biokids. Your biokids know you're mom. The title doesn't
> tell them that you're their mother, your relationship does.
That's always been my take on it.
Like I said, we don't encourage the kids to call us mom and dad when we
aren't, but accept it as the term of affection and acceptance of the
relationship it's always seemed to be on those occasions when it
happens.
Kathy Cole
> But look at a biomom at the other end of the spectrum from me. If she
> had her way, she'd still be married to her ex, and they'd have a strong
> and thriving, intimate marriage and be raising their children
> together. Why in the world would this biomom welcome *any*
> participation whatsoever from any other woman, however wonderful she
> is? Additonally, if the stepmom is someone who contributed to the
> breakup of her marriage, how can anyone think that she'd recognize the
> stepmom's contribution as a good one? In fact, if it were me, I'd
> worry about the values and morals my kids would be learning.
This can apply equally to biodads; my husband's ex is now married to the
man with whom she cheated, ending their marriage. My husband still
feeds that if the world had been closer to perfect, he and his ex would
have stayed married, even though he feels like he's much happier in our
marriage than in his first one.
Based on things my stepdaughter has told us, her stepfather spent very
little time acting in a father-like role with her, and in fact has
seemed not to like her much at all. While some of that may be more
comfortable for my husband, given his feelings about the SF, I think we
both recognize that Megan would have benefitted from a more involved and
caring SF while she still lived primarily with her mom. To us, it
doesn't seem like much of a family when the onsite SF doesn't talk much
to the stepchild or attend her school events and other activities. With
us several states away, my husband wasn't able to be there much at all.
Anne Robotti
Kathy Cole wrote:
> However, if my SD's BM knew about it, I'm sure she'd be upset, as would
> my ex. They're both more insecure than my husband and I, on a variety
> of levels. Just as an example, my ex heard 'I don't love you or <SM's
> name> anymore' come out of our eleven year old's mouth one day not too
> long ago. Of all the stupidity (and this out of a teacher who's had
> some child development coursework), my ex actually believed that Kris
> meant it.
I resent the implication that this is somehow about security or insecurity
on the part of the natural parent. I think you can care deeply about
something without it being an indicator that you're insecure or that there's
some kind of underlying instability.
Anne
Kathy Cole
> In a previous article, laa...@aol.comspamfree (Melissa ) said:
>
> <People get really hung up on titles, and the lack of a good title
> <for a beloved stepmom or dad might be the reason for this as well.
> Why is it necessary to have a title? What's wrong with a name?
For me, mom is a title, not my name. While certainly I love hearing it
out of my oldest son's mouth, and I anticipate with pleasure hearing it
out of the baby's mouth eventually, it's still a title, and I answer to
either mom or Kathy from the kids.
Beth
> And if they don't mean it, why use a name that is so loaded when used
> in the context of a parent-child relationship? When I was pregnant, I
> dreamed about a little voice calling me "Mommy". I do not ever want
> to share that with anyone, it's *mine*.
I like my SS to call me "mom" b/c my bio-kids call me "mom". He used to
call me by my first name, but it became strange when the other kids
could talk and say "mom". It kind of removes the stepchild from the
family if he/she alone has to use a first name.
Also, usu. you all recognize the right of each household to enforce its
own rules. Why is it different here? Frankly, if SS wants to call me
"mom" then nothing his BM thinks will alter that. Conversely, if my own
kids ever had a SM, I wouldn't presume I'd have control over what they
call another parent.
Melissa
>help to provide a title for her to use when talking to me. She also
>uses it when introducing me :).
SD shocked me once when she introduced SO and I as her parents, Dad and
Melissa. Before it was always Dad, and no mention of who I was. I don't know
why I was surprised though since I introduce my mom ans stepfather the same
way. Also if my father is present all three of them are introduced as the
parents. At my high school graduation I introduced my BF and SF as my parents.
That got some strange looks, but Dad and SF found it pretty funny.
>Yup. She usually calls me Kathy, but has slipped occasionally and
>called me mom. She's never given us a reason to infer that she prefers
>me to her mom or that she's trying to play any sort of game, but since
>I'm filling a mom role for her (even more now that we're her primary
>residence) it's seemed natural for her to occasionally refer to me that
>way.
In the begining of my mom's marriage I slipped all of the time and called my
father by my stepfather's first name and vice versa. My stepbrother found
himself doing the same thing.
>My son has similarly called my husband dad and his stepmom mom on
>occasion. It's always seemed to be about the role, not about any
>disrespect meant to the bioparents, so it's not bothered me when I've
>been told of him calling his SM mom.
It's also a slip of the touge thing.
>Like I said, we don't encourage the kids to call us mom and dad when we
>aren't, but accept it as the term of affection and acceptance of the
>relationship it's always seemed to be on those occasions when it
>happens.
>
We need a new title for step parent.
Melissa
>care, you would have a right to be the only Mom.
>
>Anne
Anne, calling someone mom doesn't make them another mom.
Melody R Baugher
since "mom" is a title it shouldn't be overemotionalized then wouldn't
that hold true for other titles such as "husband", "wife", "babe"?
Just trying a different perspective. My personal opinion is that if
it matters to the "mom" then it matters. I've been very happy that
SD, for the most part, doesn't call me "mom" (though some of her
classmates do refer to me as SD's mom).
Take care of yourself,
Melody
On 28 May 2001 23:49:34 GMT, vjr...@xcski.com (Vicki Robinson) wrote:
Geri and Brian
>choose if that's her title or if it's shared.
Actually, I guess it is probably the child who chooses. If my SD wants to call
me "mom"- I don't care (sometimes she does). In fact, I don't make an issue of
it at all, or it would assume a greater importance than it probably has. I am
certainly not going to alert BM to that fact that sometimes she wants to call
me "mom", however, so she can get her panties in a bunch about it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Geri ^ ^
> ' ' <
~~~~~~~~~~
Geri and Brian
> like they have to be more involved than they are just by the title.
or less ...
>> Also Stepmom has bad connotations.
My SD latched onto that "heart-mom" phrase, since I don't have any steps on me
anywhere, even under the cellulite.
Geri and Brian
>me
>anywhere, even under the cellulite.
I am going to piggyback my own post and clarify that sometimes she will ask if
she can call me "mom" or tell me she wants to call me "mom". I always tell her
she can call me whatever she wants, as long as it is not a bad word. (Right
now she is the self-designated family bad word monitor, anyway.) That way the
matter does not assume importance beyond what it is for the moment. So she
calls me "mom" for the rest of the day, or however long she remembers and I
play along.
She refers to Brian and I as her parents.
She has introduced me to people as her heart-mom (as opposed to her "regular
mom"). We got the title from this group, actually and she picked it up one day
when we were talking about things and she was telling me about how her mom had
her in her tummy before she was born. What I told her was that when regular
moms have babies, they have to take whatever baby God sends them, but
heart-moms get to pick their kids, because they are already born when we meet
them. So we can decide if they will be our kids or not, and that I picked her
out of all of this kids in the whole wide world to be in my family, because she
was the most special of all. (She still likes to hear that story every now and
then.)
I think because I have been in SD's life for about as long as she can remember,
she accepts Brian and I as a package deal, and I think the times she tells me
she wants to call me "mom" are usually when we are doing something together -
even if it is homework. I think I probably pay a lot more individual attention
to her than her regular mom does and this plays a part as well.
Kathy Cole
<arob...@lightspeedcommunications.net> wrote:
> I resent the implication that this is somehow about security or insecurity
> on the part of the natural parent. I think you can care deeply about
> something without it being an indicator that you're insecure or that there's
> some kind of underlying instability.
Oh, sure. In the case of my husband's and my former spouses, however,
we certainly know them well enough to know that their insecurities are
contributing/significant factors _for them_. Apologies for not being
clear.
Anne Robotti
doesn't promote them to Mom, that's not my objection to it. Being a Mom
is a very special thing to me. I guess we're just going to have to agree
to
disagree.
Anne
Anne Robotti
Geri and Brian wrote:
> >But I think the Mom gets to
> >choose if that's her title or if it's shared.
>
> Actually, I guess it is probably the child who chooses.
Well, then it shouldn't be. Your SD is *way* old enough to know that her Mom
doesn't like you, and also old enough to know that her calling you Mom would
really bother her Mom. That may be fine with you, but what she's learning from
this is that her Mom's feelings don't matter to you and her Dad. This isn't a
"different rules in different houses" thing. To me, this is like if you made a
"rule"
at your house that says that when she goes back to BMs house she can break
vases.
Anne
Geri and Brian
>doesn't like you, and also old enough to know that her calling you Mom would
>really bother her Mom.
I asked her one time if she thought that it might make her mom mad if she
called me that and she said she didn't know. On the other hand, I think (just
judging from her personality) I got all fluttery and said either, "Oh, yes -
you can call me mom. That would be so great!" or "Oh, no - that would be so
terrible!" either one of those would cause her to think it is a bigger deal
than it is. I just low-key it because then she forgets about it by the next
day - at least until the next time she comes up with it. I don't want her to
get the idea that using a title can be a means of manipulation.
Vicki Robinson
<I asked her one time if she thought that it might make her mom mad if she
<called me that and she said she didn't know. On the other hand, I think (just
<judging from her personality) I got all fluttery and said either, "Oh, yes -
<you can call me mom. That would be so great!" or "Oh, no - that would be so
<terrible!" either one of those would cause her to think it is a bigger deal
<than it is.
Why are these the only choices to express "no"?
My stepkids asked me right after our wedding if they should now call me
"Mom". I just said "No, you have a mom and she's Mom. You can call me
Vicki, just like you have been." with a hug, and that was the end of it.
Neither great or terrible, just matter-of-fact.
Geri and Brian
Because it doesn't matter to me and SD usually forgets about it by the next
day. I doubt she would remember it enough to tell BM about it, since she is
pretty live-in-the-moment, so BM probably won't know about it to get riled.
When SD asks me that, usually it is during a time when we have been spending
time together doing something or other.
Also, to be honest, I do not respect BM or care about what she thinks or even
think she deserves to have a child. If my SD had a good or even decent mother
(like the BMs on this group) and she cared about the title issue, I would
probably tell SD "no", as you say.
This what my opinion is about the "mom" issue, and I am sure there are several
of us who will have to agree to disagree. I think that the act of giving birth
in a human is no more special than a cat or an elephant or an aarvark (ok - it
is different than a playpus who lays the eggs). I have seen a lot of births
take place, have been born (though I don't remember it), and have been involved
in about everything of a birth process, except actually doing it (which I have
never had a desire to). I think Hollywood, television and the other media have
created an over-emotionalization of the event that everyone now thinks that is
what it is supposed to be.
I think the thing that matters about being a mom in the sense that you give
birth is what you do with the job after the birth is done. I think that for
every mom who feel like that the title is special because of the birth process,
there is another mom out there who scalds her child to death in a tub of hot
water or leaves it in a dumpster or burns her child with cigarettes. There are
plenty more who don't do such overt things, but damage their children in other
ways. Where is that specialness in those cases?
To me the title is earned, not bred.
Kathy Cole
<arob...@lightspeedcommunications.net> wrote:
> Well, then it shouldn't be. Your SD is *way* old enough to know that
> her Mom doesn't like you, and also old enough to know that her calling
> you Mom would really bother her Mom. That may be fine with you, but
> what she's learning from this is that her Mom's feelings don't matter
> to you and her Dad. This isn't a "different rules in different houses"
> thing. To me, this is like if you made a "rule" at your house that
> says that when she goes back to BMs house she can break vases.
Wow. I see this so differently. I would think it would be potentially
more damaging to hand the child a weapon with which to bludgeon her
biomom if the spirit so moved her. 'Sorry, your mom doesn't like it
when you call me Mom, so I can't let you do that.' strikes me as waving
a red flag in front of a bull, though the bull may not strike until
she's thirteen.
Better, I would think, not to make a huge deal of it, allowing the child
to select what titles she wishes to bestow on the people in her life,
rather than make her feel badly for offering affection in the form of
the title where she will.
(In other words, to me it's not about Mom's feelings not mattering, but
rather the child's feelings mattering more.)
Obviously, YMMV.
Geri and Brian
>to select what titles she wishes to bestow on the people in her life,
>rather than make her feel badly for offering affection in the form of
>the title where she will.
>(In other words, to me it's not about Mom's feelings not mattering, but
>rather the child's feelings mattering more.)
This is my feeling about it as well.
Vicki Robinson
<Wow. I see this so differently. I would think it would be potentially
<more damaging to hand the child a weapon with which to bludgeon her
<biomom if the spirit so moved her. 'Sorry, your mom doesn't like it
<when you call me Mom, so I can't let you do that.' strikes me as waving
<a red flag in front of a bull, though the bull may not strike until
<she's thirteen.
<
How about "Your mom is your mom. You can call me Genevieve." (That
would be weird if your name wasn't Genevieve.) You don't have to say
"Your mom doesn't like it", just leave mom out of it that way.
<Better, I would think, not to make a huge deal of it, allowing the child
<to select what titles she wishes to bestow on the people in her life,
<rather than make her feel badly for offering affection in the form of
<the title where she will.
<
<(In other words, to me it's not about Mom's feelings not mattering, but
<rather the child's feelings mattering more.)
My stepkids didn't have feelings about it. I'm guessing that most
kids don't, they do what they think fits. My stepkids tried calling
me "mom", I told them (without angst or undue importance) that my name
was Vicki, and they shrugged and adjusted. In this case I think that
more often it's going to matter a lot more to the Mom than it does to
the kids, so why should the kids' feelings matter more? I'm
wondering if this whole discussion isn't about the stepmother's
feelings more than either mom's or kids'.
jane
>From: vjr...@xcski.com (Vicki Robinson)
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: 28 May 2001 01:24:09 GMT
>
>In a previous article, Anne Robotti <arob...@lightspeedcommunications.net>
>said:
><Excuse me, didn't we have this "Mom" argument just three weeks ago,
><and weren't you on the other side?
>
>MOI? No way, mon ami. Never. I've always been completely
>unreasonable about this, but I would *never* let my stepkids call me
>"mom", and I'd have to kill someone if my kids called anyone else
>"mom."
>
>No no never never uh-uh-uh.
Yep, Vicki has always been consistent on this point. The titles "mother" and
"father" are almost sacrosanct. I know because we've been on opposite ends of
the spectrum for years. I couldn't care less who Lee calls "mom." There are
only three things I remember Vicki and me agreeing on: a) anyone can call
kitley "mom," b) if it's a problem for the bioparent, you really shouldn't do
it, and c) you should never force a kid to call a stepparent "mom" or "dad."
jane
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: Mon, 28 May 2001 20:58:40 -0400
>
>
>I think you can see it that way if you choose, I also think this is an
>issue where it just doesn't matter how the stepmom sees it, and I
>say that as a stepmom. Call it my insecurity, call it my love for my
>choose if that's her title or if it's shared.
>
>
I agree. Since I couldn't care less about it, it's fine for Lee to call others
"mom." I've told her that. But my ex would be very upset if she called DH
"dad." I don't fully understand that, but I don't have to. Neither DH nor I
would ever encourage her to do it if it would upset her father.
I can't imagine why anyone would. Actually, I can imagine several reasons, but
most of them do not speak well of the person who would do it. I guess if it
were a young child with an uninvolved bioparent and a custodial stepparent, and
the child really wanted or needed to attach that title to the caregiver in
their home, then the BP's feelings might need to take a back seat.
jane
John Durden
Not that my opinion matters at all, but in response to what
Geri and Brian wrote:
>
> Also, to be honest, I do not respect BM or care about what she thinks or even
> think she deserves to have a child. If my SD had a good or even decent mother
> (like the BMs on this group) and she cared about the title issue, I would
> probably tell SD "no", as you say.
>
> I think the thing that matters about being a mom in the sense that you give
> birth is what you do with the job after the birth is done. I think that for
> every mom who feel like that the title is special because of the birth process,
> there is another mom out there who scalds her child to death in a tub of hot
> water or leaves it in a dumpster or burns her child with cigarettes. There are
> plenty more who don't do such overt things, but damage their children in other
> ways. Where is that specialness in those cases?
>
> To me the title is earned, not bred.
> as a child raised by two parents who were not the people involved in popping me
> out I have to say i think this is totally valid. My BM was a total loser, didn't
> have me because she wanted me and once I was here, I think wanted me even less. I
> went to live with Dave and Nell. I have a hard time even refering to her as Nell,
> all my life (even after she passed on) I've refered to her as "Mommy" or "Mom".
> My BM is an okay person now, 24 years later. she has straightened up and I think
> she regrets how she did especially seeing as how she can no longer have children.
> But notfor a minute would I give a shit if she had a complaint about who I called
> Mom and who I called Dad. Anyone can be a mother, and anyone can be a father...
> any any woman can pop out kids by the dozen and not give a shit about them (a la
> John's ex) but a mom and a dad are different. I've cared for her youngest more
> days in his life than she has. by HER choice, noone keeps her from them but her.
> I'm like geri, I don't think she deserves to have kids, and what she thinks they
> should and shouldn't call me doesn't matter to me. Maybe she should try caring
> about them for someother reason than how she can use them to control everyone and
> maybe I would give her some respect and care what she thinks. She's definately a
> Mother and not a mom. my mom and dad are the people that made sure i was cared
> for and loved, the people that took care of me when I was sick and were always
> there for me (good times or bad times) not the woman that popped me out becuase
> she thought that would make her husband settle down and not leave her (talking
> about my BM but same motive as the boys BM) I won't call my bm Mom... I call her
> terry, she has not at any step of the way earned the title. and the boys BM has
> acted no differently, in my opinion john's ex is worse because where terry
> realized that the best thing was to just disappear, BM never will she'll always
> hang around because even if she upsets the kids or mentally scares them she is
> still getting to harass john and THAT is the most important thing in her life. I
> hate to see that I know what the boys will be going through as they grow up,
> having a mom but not having a mom. "mom can you help me with homework?" "no I'm
> going to the club" but when it's time for someone to praise them for what a good
> job they did on the homework she's right there saying it's all her. I have a
> great respect for anyone who will raise someone elses child as their own, with no
> favortism and no difference. because I've lived it from the other side. I figure
> at least he has someone he's comfortable calling that and not someone like BM who
> constantly has to force him to call her that.. like I said though that's my
> opinion so, LMAO it really doesn't matter much
Jenn
John Durden
Melissa
>me
>anywhere, even under the cellulite.
>
But "heart mom" still includes mom in it. It still has the implication of a
second mom.
ru...@i-1.net
My step kids call me "Ruth" and "Miss Ruth" (I don't prefer the Miss
Ruth, it's DH's thing.)
I'm not sure how it would work out if my SK's wanted to call me "Momma
Ruth", like my BD's friends, but I'm certain I wouldn't want them
calling me "mom". I wouldn't want my BD calling her SM "mom" either.
But then again, I'm weird, like Vicki......
:-)
Ruth
--
God Bless!
-----------
Ruth Berry
Signature Images
http://www.berryimages.com
Jas:1:5: If any of you lack wisdom,
let him ask of God, that giveth to
all men liberally, and upbraideth not;
and it shall be given him.
rebecca
"Geri and Brian" <gple...@aol.comicrelief> wrote in message
news:20010529065619...@ng-cc1.aol.com...
What I told her was that when regular
> moms have babies, they have to take whatever baby God sends them, but
> heart-moms get to pick their kids, because they are already born when we
meet
> them.
Oh, Geri.
ju...@nother.mom
laa...@aol.comspamfree (Melissa ) wrote:
> >I usually introduce myself as my SD's stepmonster, though that doesn't
> >help to provide a title for her to use when talking to me. She also
> >uses it when introducing me :).
>
> SD shocked me once when she introduced SO and I as her parents, Dad and
> Melissa.
This got me thinking... I've heard my SS occasionally refer to me and his
dad as his "parents," for example when talking on the phone or with his
friends at school. But he's never called me "mom." Though it feels good to
hear him refer to me as a parent, I have a feeling he does it for the sake
of convenience... it's so much less complicated to say "I went to a movie
with my parents" rather than "I went to a movie with my dad and
stepmother." Why draw attention to the whole divorce/remarriage thing
(which the title "stepmother" always connotes) when you don't have to?
Still, like I said, it makes me feel good that he feels comfortable
referring to me in that way.
Just curious: Anne, Vicki and anyone else out there who feels strongly
about the "mom" title, would you have any problem with your biokids using
the title "parents" like my SS does?
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: 29 May 2001 13:55:47 GMT
>
>
>
>
>Also, to be honest, I do not respect BM or care about what she thinks or even
>think she deserves to have a child. If my SD had a good or even decent
>mother
>(like the BMs on this group) and she cared about the title issue, I would
>probably tell SD "no", as you say.
>
>This what my opinion is about the "mom" issue, and I am sure there are
>several
>of us who will have to agree to disagree. I think that the act of giving
>birth
>in a human is no more special than a cat or an elephant or an aarvark (ok -
>it
>is different than a playpus who lays the eggs). I have seen a lot of births
>take place, have been born (though I don't remember it), and have been
>involved
>in about everything of a birth process, except actually doing it (which I
>have
>never had a desire to). I think Hollywood, television and the other media
>have
>created an over-emotionalization of the event that everyone now thinks that
>is
>what it is supposed to be.
Geri,
It really bothers me that you don't realize how offensive what you say is
sometimes. You're not a stupid person. You must realize that many women
consider pregnancy and childbirth among the most moving, life-altering, and
rewarding experiences of their lives. You must know that fostering and
bringing new life into the world can be a deeply spiritual experience without
equal.
When you say stuff like this, Geri, I automatically write off six months of
pettiness from your SD's mother. If I were dealing with this attitude, I'd
probably want to kill BD's stepmother too.
>
>I think the thing that matters about being a mom in the sense that you give
>birth is what you do with the job after the birth is done. I think that for
>every mom who feel like that the title is special because of the birth
>process,
>there is another mom out there who scalds her child to death in a tub of hot
>water or leaves it in a dumpster or burns her child with cigarettes. There
>are
>plenty more who don't do such overt things, but damage their children in
>other
>ways. Where is that specialness in those cases?
>
>To me the title is earned, not bred.
>
>Geri
Yes, child care after birth is of great value. Yes, stepparents do important
work. That in no way negates the significance of bringing a new life into the
world.
jane
Melissa
>more damaging to hand the child a weapon with which to bludgeon her
>biomom if the spirit so moved her. 'Sorry, your mom doesn't like it
>when you call me Mom, so I can't let you do that.' strikes me as waving
>a red flag in front of a bull, though the bull may not strike until
This is an excellent point. By saying no you may actually give the child a
weapon that they hadn't even thought about before.
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 02:48:54 -0400
>
>
>
>I don't want to muddy the waters here but if the viewpoint is that
>since "mom" is a title it shouldn't be overemotionalized then wouldn't
>that hold true for other titles such as "husband", "wife", "babe"?
>
>Just trying a different perspective. My personal opinion is that if
>it matters to the "mom" then it matters. I've been very happy that
>SD, for the most part, doesn't call me "mom" (though some of her
>classmates do refer to me as SD's mom).
>
>Take care of yourself,
>Melody
Now this brings it into perspective for me. If DH introduced someone else as
his wife, I would have a major reaction.
jane
ru...@i-1.net
>saying "Yes, MOM" when I tell them that they should start turning in
>their homework is going to rip their mother's heart out. Not if she's
>got a shred of grounding in reality.
I understand this completely. When my BD TELLS me to do something, I
say "THANKS, MOM!" LOL-when she was little and she would get bossy with
me, I'd say, "Hey, I have an idea! let's play pretend! this time, *I*
get to be the mom, and *you* be the little girl!"
Ruth
Kathy Cole
> How about "Your mom is your mom. You can call me Genevieve." (That
> would be weird if your name wasn't Genevieve.) You don't have to say
> "Your mom doesn't like it", just leave mom out of it that way.
But that seems to me to be rejecting the child's affection, even in a
small way.
For me, Megan occasionally calling me mom speaks strongly to my desire
that she be comfortable in her home with us. If she's relaxed enough
with me that 'mom' pops out of her mouth once in a while, I view that as
a sign that I'm managing to do something right. Same for my son with
his stepmom.
Basically, I just want the kids to feel relaxed and comfortable, in both
of their homes. I can't take the place of Megan's mom, and Kris'
stepmom can't take my place. But I do (and Kris' SM does) mom things,
so the title doesn't seem out of place.
Melissa
>about the "mom" title, would you have any problem with your biokids using
>the title "parents" like my SS does?
>
This is an interesting question. Both my SK's do this when introducing us as a
group.
Vicki Robinson
<Just curious: Anne, Vicki and anyone else out there who feels strongly
<about the "mom" title, would you have any problem with your biokids using
<the title "parents" like my SS does?
No. It's a matter of convenience and verbal shorthand. Now, if my
kids introduced my husband as "This is my dad" I'd be concerned, since
they have a dad who is very present and involved in their lives.
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 09:31:57 -0400
First, kids have plenty of weapons. If BD wanted to hurt her BF, she could.
She doesn't need to call DH "daddy" to do it.
Second, I don't see that this is waving a red flag in front of a bull any more
than anything else we tell our kids.
Third, I don't think that kids should get into the habit of thinking that their
feelings matter more than ours.
jane
Melissa
Geri you just made Vicki's point better than she ever could have. I'm not even
a mother, but the idea of my kids having you as a stepmom is scary.
It makes me understand your BM's behavior a whole lot more.
ru...@i-1.net
brat of a daughter kinda came with the deal. lucky you......
:-)
Ruth
Geri and Brian wrote:
What I told her was that when regular
> moms have babies, they have to take whatever baby God sends them, but
> heart-moms get to pick their kids, because they are already born when we meet
> them. So we can decide if they will be our kids or not, and that I picked her
> out of all of this kids in the whole wide world to be in my family, because she
> was the most special of all. (She still likes to hear that story every now and
> then.)
Melissa
>you're blue in the face that your kids can't call their future SM "mom," but
>to enforce that you need the cooperation of 1) Chuck; 2) the SM; and 3) the
>kids.
Also I know some people think that the mom rule should be the exception, but I
don't like it when SS's BM tries to impose any rules in my household. I think
part of my objection to this may be the idea of BM setting up rules, of any
kind in my home.
To be fair though the mom issue has never come up BM's "rules" in general have
always been ridiculous, and her methods of trying to make SS follow them
involve fear. I can see a BP trying to scare their kids into not calling the
other parent mom or dad. Yes Anne I know that my BM is a freak, but using fear
to enoforce a rule in another household is something others do.
>Or, I suppose you can shortcircuit 1) and 2) and just hammer the kids
>into submission about it, then they will either call SM "mom" and hide it
>from you or acquiesce to your wishes.
Or resent you and call the SM mom to spite you. I don't think kids care about
this issue nearly as much as step parents and parents do.
>He's also called me by his teacher's name, and
>his best little girlfriend's name. Funny enough, the name he most often
>calls me is daddy.
>
:)
Victoria...
Melissa wrote in message
> >
> >To me the title is earned, not bred.
> >
> >~~~~~~~~~~
> >Geri ^ ^
>
> Geri you just made Vicki's point better than she ever could have. I'm not
even
> a mother, but the idea of my kids having you as a stepmom is scary.
>
> It makes me understand your BM's behavior a whole lot more.
>
> Love,
> Melissa
>
> "Being a Grown up is a bitch sometimes."
> -V. Robinson
I certainly hope that no one is actually implying that the behavior of a PSYCHO
Bio Mom is now to be blamed on a Step Mom, because the Step Mom in question may
have the child's best interest at heart!!! If so I would sincerely like to know
what I did in my life to deserve having to deal with TWO Psycho Moms!!! I am
also a Bio-Mom, so I understand where some of this is coming from, but to
blanketly say that you now understands BM's behavior, because Geri has stated
that she allows her SD to call her Mom occasionally is bordering on the
ridiculous!!!
Come on People, this getting a bit much, people have the freedom of choice in
there own homes, and they should be able to exercise it, I may disagree with
some choices that I have seen other people in my life making, but I would never
say that "Well, you allowed her to call you Mom, so now if you have to be
dragged through court, and through the mud for the next 16 years, and you have
to watch that child suffer, because she is being torn apart inside by people
that are supposed to care and love her, well, you should have known better than
to let that child call you MOM!!" Please..... think.
I am a Step Mom, a Bio Mom, a Step Daughter, and a bastard. My Dad had an
affair with my Mother while he was married to his first wife, promised to Marry
My Mother, then Married someone else instead, so I guess in the strictest terms
of things, I am not really a Step daughter at all, although my "Step-Mom"
fortunately never made that distinction to me or I would have been crushed!! In
terms of the children's feelings, sometimes they 'do' matter more than the
adults, and if it makes a child feel more like they belong, or more comfortable
when they slip and say "Mom" instead of "Name" then for goodness sake, so be it.
I personally would never 'encourage' this behavior, but I have also received the
Most wonderful letters and cards from my "Step-children" calling me Mama, No,
not Step-Mama, Just Mama, and it was not meant to disparage their Mom (they
called her Mom, or Mommy) at all, it was just written that way to show me the
special bond that they felt with me. Mind you they Never verbalized it, they
just wrote it, so I am not sure how I would have felt if they had actually used
it verbally.
One of my Step Children had been forced to call every Boyfriend her Mother ever
had "Daddy", even when she had more than one at a time, and she was very
confused and was not sure 'what' to call me when she came to live with us, so
she asked me!!! I told her that My Name is Victoria, and you can still call me
that, or whatever you are comfortable with, just "Not Mommy", because that is
what you call your Mother and I wouldn't want you getting the two of us confused
:-). She laughed, and said "Oh, well I could 'never' get the two of you
confused, you are sooooo much different." We both laughed and hugged, she
continued to verbally call me "Victoria", but when she wrote me it was Mama, or
Mama Victoria.
--
Victoria...
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
http://www.emerysdiesel.com or
http://www.geocities.com/emerysdiesel
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
Yesterday is history.. Tomorrow a mystery.. Today is a gift..That's why it's
called the present! Live and savor every moment.....this is not a dress
rehearsal!
Victoria...
Melissa wrote in message ...
So does "Birth-Mom", "Adoptive-Mom", and "Step-Mom", and they all have the
implication of a "Second Mom" with in the name or title. Are we NOW saying that
we should Just take the 'Mom' part off completely and just say that I am "Step",
or "Birth", or "Adoptive"? of course it would work out great with Geri's
because I really wouldn't mind being called "Heart" it kind of has that
"warm-fuzzy" appeal :-)
Anne Robotti
senior moments.
Anne
Anne Robotti
rebecca wrote:
> Well, I'm coming in late here, I know, but let's say for a minute that I
> agree with you. Like pretty much everything else in stepparent situations,
> though, Anne, unilateral decision making doesn't work. So you can say until
> you're blue in the face that your kids can't call their future SM "mom," but
> to enforce that you need the cooperation of 1) Chuck; 2) the SM; and 3) the
> kids. Or, I suppose you can shortcircuit 1) and 2) and just hammer the kids
> into submission about it, then they will either call SM "mom" and hide it
> from you or acquiesce to your wishes.
I agree with that. I respect our BM's wishes in this matter, and I know that
Chuck would absolutely respect mine with whatever future wife he might
have if we got divorced. I wouldn't talk to the kids at all about it, I would
deal with it totally with Chuck.
Anne
Melissa
>implication of a "Second Mom" with in the name or title. Are we NOW saying
>that
>we should Just take the 'Mom' part off completely and just say that I am
>"Step",
>or "Birth", or "Adoptive"? of course it would work out great with Geri's
>because I really wouldn't mind being called "Heart" it kind of has that
>"warm-fuzzy" appeal :-)
>
>--
>Victoria...
No but I do think the"mom" in step mom is misleading. Not all of us are
momlike. But the title implies that we should be some sort of mom.
Birthmothers give birth, adoptive mothers raise a child. Step mom's get their
"momish" title simply by being married. Not all of us feel like mom's.
I also think that having the mom there is part of what causes so much
resentment. But once again who really has a good title for stepparents?
Geri and Brian
>bringing new life into the world can be a deeply spiritual experience without
>equal.
For people who find it such, that is for them. I just stated my opinion about
it, which is clinical in nature - I don't ask anyone to share it.
Geri and Brian
>dragged through court, and through the mud for the next 16 years, and you
>have
>to watch that child suffer, because she is being torn apart inside by people
>that are supposed to care and love her, well, you should have known better
>than
>to let that child call you MOM!!"
ROFL! I guess I shouldn't laugh because we are living that, but the
presentation was hilarious!
Geri and Brian
>a mother, but the idea of my kids having you as a stepmom is scary.
Perhaps we should each be thankful that we are the kind of stepparents we want
to be and not concerned about how others think we should parent or should not
parent, as the case may be.
>It makes me understand your BM's >behavior a whole lot more.
Please explain how neglecting and mistreating one's own child (not to mention
three years worth of vengeful behavior toward an ex-boyfriend) can be
understood. I have been unsuccessful at achieving this understanding.
If you are referring to how we treat BM (?), we don't. If we are somewhere
where we must speak with her (i.e. SD is present) it is with icy politeness, if
at all.
Beth
>
> >You must know that fostering and
> >bringing new life into the world can be a deeply spiritual experience without
> >equal.
>
> For people who find it such, that is for them. I just stated my opinion about
> it, which is clinical in nature - I don't ask anyone to share it.
FWIW, Geri, as a lurker--I agree with you 100%. I've given birth and
I'm a stepmother, and honestly, the whole mystique about giving birth
*for the most part* is malarkey.
As you pointed out, there are too many bio-moms out there who couldn't
give a flying fig about their bio-kids. The act of giving birth, while
wondrous for some, does not make a mother a MOM.
A MOM is the one who raises, cares for, loves, cherishes the child.
Your SD would be better off with you as her MOM than the person who gave
birth to her. I've read enough of your posts to know that for sure.
Beth
>
> Geri you just made Vicki's point better than she ever could have. I'm not even
> a mother, but the idea of my kids having you as a stepmom is scary.
>
> It makes me understand your BM's behavior a whole lot more.
Please! The BM is completely off base, and Geri has done *everything*
for her SD she can possibly do. She should be given kudos for her hard
work, and you all are laying into her b/c she's stating an obvious
truth: that bio-moms can be worthless sacks of...well, you know.
She's not calling *you* bad bio-moms, just her SD's bio-mom.
Geri and Brian
>birth to her. I've read enough of your posts to know that for sure.
Thanks. :-) All we can do is try our best and hope the kids turn out ok. I
know one behavior that is the hallmark of a parent (bio or step) is laying
awake at nights worrying about whether you are doing a good enough job.
Melissa
>for her SD she can possibly do.
Well at least that's the version we've heard.
Victoria...
Geri and Brian wrote in message ...
I think I was stuck in one of those flippant or sarcastic moments......
Beth
Melissa wrote:
>
> >Please! The BM is completely off base, and Geri has done *everything*
> >for her SD she can possibly do.
>
> Well at least that's the version we've heard.
> Love,
> Melissa
And there's no reason to suspect otherwise. You sort of have to take
everyone's proclamations at face value, right? It's done for most of
the posters. I suppose I'm taking this personally, b/c I feel as if,
with Geri's situation, I've BTDT. She's working so hard to be a mom to
this little girl whose own mother is not there for her. I'm just saying
she needs some understanding and support.
I don't doubt the BM would have her own "version," but it's Geri who's
been here for years pouring her heart out.
Victoria...
Which makes the point exactly !!!! The act of "giving birth" does not
necessarily make someone a "Mom" (title), but it does make her a "Mom"(name).
There are some "Mom's" who have no biological "Bond" with there children, and
there are others for which the "experience of Giving Birth" is a wonderful life
altering bond formed between Mother and child that can never be broken, and I am
sure that there are a wide variety of experiences between the two. I would
sincerely hope for the life altering bond between mother and child for every
single child on this earth, but unfortunately I do not have the power to make
that happen. All that I have the power to do is to unconditionally love each
and every child that may come into my life and to accept them for who they are.
This can be a very trying experience at times, but can be very rewarding at
other times.
I guess that my main problem with this entire conversation has been the blanket
statements in either direction. On the Face of things I believe that "I" am not
comfortable with being called "Mom" or "Mommy" by my stepchildren, but I have
had no problem with friends of our teenagers (years ago) calling me Mama, nor
with the SKids calling me "Mama" if they had decided to verbalize it (although I
never had to actually encounter that one, so I can't really say for sure).
I believe that different circumstance can result in differing rules, or results.
In 'life' there are no absolutes that I know of (well, maybe other than death
and taxes), and the more accepting that we can be of others , the more
fulfilling our life can be. I do NOT believe that children should be "forced"
to call any adult in their life "Mom" or "Dad", or any other term that is
associated with the prospective "Names/titles".
Geri and Brian
As compared to the accuracy of anyone's stories here - even yours? (Actually,
as much as we have been dragged into court, we are quite capable of being able
to produce hard evidence for just about anything we allege. Perhaps I should
send you the reams of documentation we have and get it out of my house.)
Personally, I would suspect that anyone who comes here and takes the time to
post for more than about two seconds probably has better things to do with
their time than sit down and make up a bunch of stories for a bunch of
strangers. Do you think?
rebecca
"Anne Robotti" <arob...@lightspeedcommunications.net> wrote in message
news:3B1421F1...@lightspeedcommunications.net...
>
> I agree with that. I respect our BM's wishes in this matter, and I know
that
> Chuck would absolutely respect mine with whatever future wife he might
> have if we got divorced. I wouldn't talk to the kids at all about it, I
would
> deal with it totally with Chuck.
>
> Anne
>
I never doubted it. (-: Perhaps a bit of my own BM-frustration was peeking
through.
Rebecca
Hilander
news:Zk1R6.3816$gA.14...@monger.newsread.com...
> Which makes the point exactly !!!! The act of "giving birth" does not
> necessarily make someone a "Mom" (title), but it does make her a
"Mom"(name).
I'm thinking that the act of giving birth does give one the title of
"Mom".......BUT, it doesn't mean that they will be a 'good' one, or a
'great' one. Some will be 'mediocre', some will be 'uninvolved' and others
will be 'horrible'.
Someone else pointed out the title of 'husband/wife'.
What makes a person a "Wife"? What criteria is necessary?
It used to be having a marriage liscence was enough, but now, you don't need
the paperwork because you can become a 'commonlaw spouse'. Hmm, 'commonlaw
wife' sounds quite a bit like 'step mom' doesn't it? Think we could drop
the 'commonlaw' thing.
But it still begs the question of what is necessary to establish a 'right'
to the title.
It's been an interesting thread. I don't mind if my sons call their dad's
girlfriend 'step mom', but if I'm to be completely honest with myself, it
would feel like a stab in the heart if they called her 'mom'. Would I make
them stop and tell ex and his girlfriend not to allow it? No. I would bite
that bullet and try to figure out from the kids perspective why they are
doing it and not take it so personally.
Maybe the title shouldn't be something that is future forward [given at a
specific event for the potential that could be] but past reflective [what
they'll say at your memorial service because of what has been accomplished
over time].
It would just be nice to know, while I'm alive, that someone else noticed
and appreciated it.
I'm sure that sentiment is felt by all parents/caregivers [step or bio].
jane
>Newsgroups: alt.support.step-parents
>Date: 30 May 2001 02:01:22 GMT
>
>>You must know that fostering and
>>bringing new life into the world can be a deeply spiritual experience
>without
>>equal.
>
>For people who find it such, that is for them. I just stated my opinion
>about
>it, which is clinical in nature - I don't ask anyone to share it.
That's not my point, Geri. I have two.
First, you offended me deeply when you said, "I think that the act of giving
birth in a human is no more special than a cat or an elephant or an
aarvark...." I and many other women have shared our feelings about carrying
and bearing a child with you, yet you completely discount that because you
"have been involved in about everything of a birth process, except actually
doing it" and you know better. I'm sure that if you think it over you can
appreciate the absurdity of advancing an opinion because you know "all about"
ANYTHING "except actually doing it."
It's that "I know better" attitude, despite all evidence to the contrary, that
would make it extremely difficult for me to coparent with you. If you can
offend me this deeply through a newsgroup, I don't know if I'd be able to
handle it in real life. I have never had an argument with SK's BM or BD's SMs,
but when you say things with this attitude I can picture myself sending
bozograms and fighting you tooth and nail in court. Actually, I picture myself
shouting and tearing your hair out by the roots, but the notes and contempt
motions seem completely understandable.
Second, what effect did you expect to have when you said:
> I think that for
>every mom who feel like that the title is special because of the birth
>process,
>there is another mom out there who scalds her child to death in a tub of hot
>water or leaves it in a dumpster or burns her child with cigarettes.
Did you think at all? I can't believe that you really believe this. So how
could you say it? If I strolled in here and said that stepparents don't do
anything of value in children's lives or that for every involved, caring SM
there's a vicious abuser, how do you think people would react? My guess is
that you'd treat me as a troll.
My point is: even if you do think you know better than everyone else based on
no experience, why would you enrage and alienate people by saying such
offensive and inflammatory things? Sometimes you honestly don't seem to have a
clue what you're doing. I don't get the impression that you are intending to
affect people the way you do, and I don't understand why you don't anticipate
it.
jane
p.s. There was nothing "clinical" about your opinion.
Lauralee Adams
jane wrote:
> I agree. Since I couldn't care less about it, it's fine for Lee to call others
> "mom." I've told her that. But my ex would be very upset if she called DH
> "dad." I don't fully understand that, but I don't have to. Neither DH nor I
> would ever encourage her to do it if it would upset her father.
>
> I can't imagine why anyone would. Actually, I can imagine several reasons, but
> most of them do not speak well of the person who would do it. I guess if it
> were a young child with an uninvolved bioparent and a custodial stepparent, and
> the child really wanted or needed to attach that title to the caregiver in
> their home, then the BP's feelings might need to take a back seat.
>
> jane
My husband's ex encourages their children to call their stepdad 'Dad'.
Right before they were married, the girls came to DH and asked him if it
was OK if they called their SDad 'Dad' (apparently there had been a
family meeting to discuss what the girls would call him, with heavy
emphasis on the 'dad role' the stepdad would be playing in their lives.)
DH explained that he felt that 'Mom' and 'Dad' were special titles for
special people, and that he would prefer that the title 'Dad' be
reserved for him. He further explained that they would not be expected
to call me 'Mom' when we were married (about a month after the ex), as
that title was reserved for their mother (the girls call me by my first
name). He communicated this conversation to his ex, along with his
feelings on the subject. The result? The kids call their stepdad 'Dad',
and try to hide it from us. The younger two, 8 and 3 years old, tend to
slip occasionally, and the 12-year-old tries to cover up for them. (We
have never reacted badly, and ignore the slips when they occur.)
Not a situation that anyone is very comfortable with, with the possible
exception of the BM and the stepdad who are getting what they wanted.
Just to clarify, my DH is a committed and involved father - as much as
he can be as BM moved the kids 200 miles away. Despite the long travel
time, he maintains the every-other weekend visitation schedule, and has
sole responsibility for all transportation (a 4 hour drive each way,
adding up to 16 hours on the road every other weekend, plus holidays and
vacations).
Just my story to exhibit why I tend to agree with those who feel that
parental titles should be kept for the biological parents in situations
where the biological parents are involved in the children's lives, and
where those same biological parents have expressed that preference.
Lee
jane
>Reply-To: ler...@att.net
>Date: Wed, 30 May 2001 17:25:06 GMT
That seems so sad. What do you think of going a step further than ignoring it
and telling the kids that it's okay? Maybe DH could tell the kids that he
would rather they call only him "dad" but that they certainly don't need to
hide things from you guys. I hate to think of them being torn because BM and
SF are being jerks.
jane
Lauralee Adams
jane wrote:
>
> That seems so sad. What do you think of going a step further than ignoring it
> and telling the kids that it's okay? Maybe DH could tell the kids that he
> would rather they call only him "dad" but that they certainly don't need to
> hide things from you guys. I hate to think of them being torn because BM and
> SF are being jerks.
>
> jane
I have suggested something similar to DH. My suggestion was, when a
'slip' occurs, to let them know that we realize that they call the SF
'Dad', that they don't have to try to cover it up, but that it would
save confusion about who they are referring to if they continue to refer
to him as Mr. J*** when they are with us. I'm not sure whether he
doesn't want to do this, or whether he just doesn't think about it at
the moment (he doesn't always think very fast on his feet). And having a
'discussion' with the girls about it after the fact doesn't seem like a
good idea, as it could place even more weight and importance on a
subject they're already uncomfortable about.
But it couldn't hurt to bring up the subject with DH again to see where
he stands at this point.
Thanks,
Lee