Mom vs Stepmom
Sandra Morlet
I got along fairly well this his BM, to accomodate my SS school schedule, I
have changed my works schedule to work from 6am to 2:15 so that I may pick
him up from school on a daily basis, without him having to attend a daycare.
The BM was reluctant at first, but when the school 'lost' my SS she
reluctantly agreed to have me watch him for her on her days also.
About a year ago, he started to call me mom, his BM told him he was not
allowed to call me that because he only had '1 mother', the BM went on to
explain that she carried him in her belly...etc. He knows better now, so
when people see us together and automatically assume i'm his mom, he
corrects them and tells them i'm just his step mom.
Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM. I wasn't
sure how to approach that topic without creating any more hurt feelings for
the BM or my SS. I have had several discussions with my husband, and many
of his conversations with the BM go wihtout any solution.
Does anyone have any helpful advise?
Wendy
"Sandra Morlet" <Smo...@pacbell.net> wrote in message
news:2D%%c.17671$Yg3....@newssvr27.news.prodigy.com...
> Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
> grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM. I
> wasn't sure how to approach that topic without creating any more hurt
> feelings for the BM or my SS. I have had several discussions with my
> husband, and many of his conversations with the BM go wihtout any
> solution.
Young children aren't always very good at expressing feelings. What you
need to
do is get him to talk about what that embarrassment actually means. For
example,
it could be his way of saying that he doesn't want his family to be
different from those
of his peers, or at least the way he perceives those of his peers. It may
be that he wishes
it was his mother or father collecting him, because his peer's mothers tend
to do that role.
It may be a shyness about feeling he has to explain who you are to others.
Once you know what really lies behind it, it's easier to think of how to
deal with it.
The only sure thing is that you shouldn't take this personally and that it's
always good
to give children opportunities to read about or watch programmes about other
children in
similar family settings, or even better to interact with others who are in
similar settings
and happily adjusted.
Wendy
Tracey
Sandra Morlet wrote:
> Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
> grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM. I wasn't
> sure how to approach that topic without creating any more hurt feelings for
> the BM or my SS. I have had several discussions with my husband, and many
> of his conversations with the BM go wihtout any solution.
>
> Does anyone have any helpful advise?
My first thought is to explain to him that there is nothing wrong
with having a stepmother. In fact, if he were to look around or ask,
he is almost assuredly not the only kid in his class in a stepparent
situation. Also, you might want to explain to him that he doesn't
have to explain his situation to anyone. The fact that you are
mistaken for his mom doesn't mean he has to explain it to everyone.
His biomother just doesn't want him to call you Mom. She's not
requiring him to explain to the world, is she?
Tracey
rosenrot
strongly feel step-parents should not be called Mom or Dad and many
biological parents who get really upset over this. My SD started calling
me Mom after she had lived with us for about a year, and actually started
calling BM by her first name. BM got very upset and told SD she would
slap her if she heard her calling me Mom. I told SD she could call me
whatever she wanted, since I had never asked for her to call me Mom to
begin with, and that if BM didn't want her to call me Mom, then that was
fine. She said she still wanted to call me Mom, but to her BM she tries
to refer to me by first name. However, she calls her BM's husband "Dad"
and BM does not have a problem with this, neither do we. I think it is
good that she feels close enough to me to call me Mom, and close enough to
her stepdad to call him Dad.
I'm sure you will get a lot of different responses on this, but we have
always felt that SD should be able to decide what she feels comfortable
calling people. Some people feel if the BM has a strong objection to it,
that the child should not call another parent Mom or Dad, but I think it's
really up to the child, and if your SS used to call you Mom by his own
choice, then I don't see why he couldn't keep doing that.
Rose
FrustratedMom
confuse the two of you, and that she's artificially insisting on a
boundary that her son feels uncomfortable about. He'll always know who
his 'real mother' is. She's pushing him away by her actions, not holding
on tighter. It really is his chocie. To quote a friend "The more people
that can love my kids, the better." She too has kids with a stepmother,
and theirs is a rare example of adults behaving like adults, not as
jealous pre-teens.
* Calinda *
news:b36ff992df60e6bd...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com:
> I would once again try talking to the BM,
BAD IDEA!!!!! Obviously this BM feel strongly about this issue or she
wouldn't have said anything. I agree with this BM, in that I would not
want my kids calling anyone else their "mom". *I* am their mom.
Going to her will inflame the situation even more.
> tell her how her son will
> never confuse the two of you,
How fucking condescending. That's what I'd be thinking if someone came to
me saying that.
> and that she's artificially insisting on
> a boundary that her son feels uncomfortable about.
It's not an artificial boundary. IT is what it is. Trying to take over
the role and title of "mother" *when that mother is still in the picture*,
is wrong, IMO.
> He'll always know
> who his 'real mother' is.
There's the GD "REAL MOTHER" in GD Quotes again. ARGH. She's not his
"REAL MOTHER".. She is the ONLY MOTHER. She is Mother. Period. Screw the
GD "REAL" in quotes.
> She's pushing him away by her actions,
No, the person who is causing this is the SM that feel SO threatened by
their spouse having a child with someone else, that they feel the need to
take over the title of that child's mother. The SM could easily find a
million other things their SK's could call them.
> not
> holding on tighter. It really is his chocie.
Would you allow a child to call their teacher by their first name, saying
"it's their choice", or your elderly next door neighbor as 'Bitch", because
it's "their choice'? Same thing.
Children need to be taught how to address other's in the proper fashion.
This is no different. Perhaps this child is confused and needs direction
on how to address their SM. Perhaps the SM can think of some nickname
she'd be comfortable being called by the child.
> To quote a friend "The
> more people that can love my kids, the better."
Sure, they can love them, but there is no need to dilute a mother's title
for her kids, simply because her ex decides to marry someone else.
> She too has kids with
> a stepmother, and theirs is a rare example of adults behaving like
> adults, not as jealous pre-teens.
I don't see it this way. I see it as a SM trying to relegate a parent to
something other than what they are. It puts the mother in a lesser
position, and for me, it's hard enough having to lose the time with my
children to someone I never wanted around them in the first place, but for
that person to take my title and dilute it by using it herself, when she
didn't give birth to those kids would tick me off.
As for as the OP and the child wondering how to explain Step parents. My
guess is, at the age these kids are, they might just be confused about
family relationships and possibly even what a step-mother is, in relation
to those relationship they're familiar with. Quite possibly, the kids he's
run into that seem to be confused don't have step-parents and aren't
familiar with what that actually means. Perhaps at six, they might know
that they have a Step-parent but don't really understand the dynamics and
how it all came about, etc and is looking for some reassurances.
Cal~
Elizabeth H Bonesteel
Sandra Morlet <Smo...@pacbell.net> wrote:
>
>Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
>grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM. I wasn't
>sure how to approach that topic without creating any more hurt feelings for
>the BM or my SS. I have had several discussions with my husband, and many
>of his conversations with the BM go wihtout any solution.
Okay, my SKs are grown and my daughter is only 3-1/2 months, so I may be
totally off-base wrt dealing with a 6-year-old.
Did you ask him why he was embarrassed?
Sometimes when a kid says something like that he's not expressing the
complicated inter- and intra-familial angst we adults feel about what our
roles are in the lives of our children. Sometimes a statement like this
comes from something simple, like a kid in his class teasing him for having
a step-mom - in which case a chat about why he doesn't need to be embarrassed
might clear everything up.
I don't know what your situation is, or if the one statement you related was
the whole of his communication with you; but I can't help but wonder if this
might not be more easily solved by finding out what exactly is bothering
the kid before hauling BM into the equation.
JMO,
Liz
P.S. I too would be uncomfortable with my child calling anybody else "Mom."
--
li...@world.std.com
"No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. Man's reason and
spirit have often solved the seemingly unsolvable - and we believe they
can do it again." -- John F. Kennedy, 6/10/1963
Sandra Morlet
that will make BM uncomfortable or create any tension with her. In my SS
school there are no situations like ours. most SP are out of the picture
completely, where the child only knows the SP as the father/mother. It's a
small private school. I do alot of assisting in the school as mandatory
requirement to keep my SS in the school. Seeing as how the BM cannot
accommodate the 40 service hours required by the school, I accomodate for
the hours and therefore have become very involved in the school and
therefore with the teachers and children. My husband and I do not have
children of our own, I lost my daughter 2 years ago, and treasure my SS. He
truly is the sparkly in my eyes. Just the same, I do bend over backwards for
his BM. I do not wish to take away what is hers, as I have lost in my life,
I know what that pain is.
"* Calinda *" <CalindaSin...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:Xns955F93D15...@130.133.1.4...
Adrienne Winn
For what it's worth, Cal, please understand before I say this that I
agree that A) the SM talking to the BM is wrong and B) I agree that SK's
shouldn't call their SPs by the Mom/Dad title.
However, that said, I have two *really* big issues with stuff you've said.
> No, the person who is causing this is the SM that feel SO threatened by
> their spouse having a child with someone else, that they feel the need to
> take over the title of that child's mother. The SM could easily find a
> million other things their SK's could call them.
That's an incredibly unfair accusation to make, Cal. Now, the
progression reads like you're talking about the OP, who asked for
suggestions. From the tone of her post, I'm sure she would have been
happy with suggestions like "well, my step-kids call me X", and wasn't
looking for "oh, let him call you mom, it doesn't really matter."
If you're addressing step-moms in general, well, you're wrong, but you
should make that clear.
If you're addressing step-moms who want the kids to call them Mom,
again, you should make that clear.
As it is, by responding to Frustrated Mom's "it's the Mother's fault"
with "no, it's the SM's fault", you're laying a whole lot of shit on the
OP that has nothing to do with the OP and a lot to do with your own baggage.
> I don't see it this way. I see it as a SM trying to relegate a parent to
> something other than what they are. It puts the mother in a lesser
> position, and for me, it's hard enough having to lose the time with my
> children to someone I never wanted around them in the first place,
I understand your situation is difficult, but this isn't the same
situation.
but for
> that person to take my title and dilute it by using it herself, when she
> didn't give birth to those kids would tick me off.
And here's where you send me into orbit. "Give birth"? What in the six
holy hells does that have to do with anything?
She should dilute it because you're their mom by virtue of being the one
who was there for the past 18 years, making lunches, tucking in,
reading, taking them to the library, checking homework, mending scraped
knees, going to band practices, and all the other things that go into
being a parent.
And the reason this ticks me off? Because my mother-in-law didn't give
birth to my husband, but she sure as hell is his mother. The woman who
*gave birth* to him isn't his mother, because she hasn't seen him since
he was in the delivery room.
So call it like it is. You deserve the title of Mom because you've done
the work of the last 18 years, not because of the time you spent in the
delivery room.
Adrienne
Amy Lou
"Adrienne Winn" <adrien...@tampabay.rr.com> wrote in message
news:1X30d.18561$Of3....@tornado.tampabay.rr.com...
> * Calinda * wrote:
Was that really Cal?
Amy
* Calinda *
news:1X30d.18561$Of3....@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:
> * Calinda * wrote:
>
> For what it's worth, Cal, please understand before I say this that I
> agree that A) the SM talking to the BM is wrong and B) I agree that
> SK's shouldn't call their SPs by the Mom/Dad title.
>
> However, that said, I have two *really* big issues with stuff you've
> said.
Okay.. I've read and will respond. You have some VERY valid points
though I think that you missed an important qualifier I had in there.
>> No, the person who is causing this is the SM that feel SO threatened
>> by their spouse having a child with someone else, that they feel the
>> need to take over the title of that child's mother. The SM could
>> easily find a million other things their SK's could call them.
>
> That's an incredibly unfair accusation to make, Cal. Now, the
> progression reads like you're talking about the OP, who asked for
> suggestions. From the tone of her post, I'm sure she would have been
> happy with suggestions like "well, my step-kids call me X", and wasn't
> looking for "oh, let him call you mom, it doesn't really matter."
Right and I did direct a separate response to the OP at the very end that
basically had some suggestions to her to see what it is that the child
was really asking. I was more frustrated with the poster I was directly
replying to. I apologize for that confusion.
> If you're addressing step-moms in general, well, you're wrong, but you
> should make that clear.
No, absolutely not all SM's. Just the ones that seem to grab a hold of
the notion they have a right to the title Mom, regardless of whether the
mother is still in the picture or not and what her feelings are in the
matter. That last is a biggie.. some don't care in the least and fine,
have at it. But to tell a BM that she's causing the trouble by objecting
and to stop complaining, etc. is the wrong attitude to take. I'm not
saying the OP said this, but the one I replied to, did.
> If you're addressing step-moms who want the kids to call them Mom,
> again, you should make that clear.
That was what I was trying to do when I said it's the SM that insists on
being called mom over the mom's objections that is causing the friction,
not the mother who objects.
> As it is, by responding to Frustrated Mom's "it's the Mother's fault"
> with "no, it's the SM's fault", you're laying a whole lot of shit on
> the OP that has nothing to do with the OP and a lot to do with your
> own baggage.
I wasn't meaning to direct that to the OP at all. Since it does appear
to be that way, I apologize to the OP again. What I am saying is, IF a
SM is suggesting that a child should call her Mom over the objections of
a BM, then Yes, I believe it to be the 'fault' of the SM for any
escalation on that point.
>> I don't see it this way. I see it as a SM trying to relegate a
>> parent to something other than what they are. It puts the mother in
>> a lesser position, and for me, it's hard enough having to lose the
>> time with my children to someone I never wanted around them in the
>> first place,
>
> I understand your situation is difficult, but this isn't the same
> situation.
>
>
> but for
>> that person to take my title and dilute it by using it herself, when
>> she didn't give birth to those kids would tick me off.
>
> And here's where you send me into orbit. "Give birth"? What in the six
> holy hells does that have to do with anything?
You're right. Bad choice of words, though I attempted to keep it short
and not get too wordy. I have an adopted father and I never think of him
as anything other than my dad. But that was my BD's choice in the
matter.
> She should dilute it because you're their mom by virtue of being the
> one who was there for the past 18 years, making lunches, tucking in,
> reading, taking them to the library, checking homework, mending
> scraped knees, going to band practices, and all the other things that
> go into being a parent.
Yes, you are right. And I also know there are SM's that do the same and
I'm not trying to denigrate all that they do either. But if the BM is
still in the picture, and if she objects to sharing the title, then the
SM should honor that. There are plenty of other things the SM can be
called. My children call her by her first name, but they're older. (and
I edited out my editorial on THAT whole situation).
* Calinda *
Tracey
Adrienne Winn wrote:
>> No, the person who is causing this is the SM that feel SO threatened
>> by their spouse having a child with someone else, that they feel the
>> need to take over the title of that child's mother. The SM could
>> easily find a million other things their SK's could call them.
>
>
> That's an incredibly unfair accusation to make, Cal.
Well, it's no more unfair than the implication that a bioparent
who insists that the terms Mom/Dad be reserved for the bioparents
is behaving like a jealous teen.
Yeah, I know, two people being unfair don't equal fairness. :P
Tracey
Adrienne Winn
> Well, it's no more unfair than the implication that a bioparent
> who insists that the terms Mom/Dad be reserved for the bioparents
> is behaving like a jealous teen.
Absolutely true.
I guess I just don't know Sandra, and I expect more from Cal because I
do know more about her.
Which may in and of itself be unfair.
> Yeah, I know, two people being unfair don't equal fairness. :P
;)
A
Adrienne Winn
>
> Okay.. I've read and will respond. You have some VERY valid points
> though I think that you missed an important qualifier I had in there.
You're right, I think I must have missed it.
> Right and I did direct a separate response to the OP at the very end that
> basically had some suggestions to her to see what it is that the child
> was really asking. I was more frustrated with the poster I was directly
> replying to. I apologize for that confusion.
:) Ok. Thank you for clarifying.
> That was what I was trying to do when I said it's the SM that insists on
> being called mom over the mom's objections that is causing the friction,
> not the mother who objects.
'k. I think I missed that nuance.
>What I am saying is, IF a
> SM is suggesting that a child should call her Mom over the objections of
> a BM, then Yes, I believe it to be the 'fault' of the SM for any
> escalation on that point.
Agreed.
> Yes, you are right. And I also know there are SM's that do the same and
> I'm not trying to denigrate all that they do either. But if the BM is
> still in the picture, and if she objects to sharing the title, then the
> SM should honor that. There are plenty of other things the SM can be
> called. My children call her by her first name, but they're older. (and
> I edited out my editorial on THAT whole situation).
My step-son calls me by my first name, and he's only 6. It doesn't
really bother me. (Now, the fact that he's starting to view his "family"
as "Mom and her boyfriend"? That kind of bothers me a little, because I
know how much he means to my husband. But I'm sure it's as much "oh man!
I have to draw my family *again*?!" and drawing as few people as
possible as anything else. ::sighs::)
Occasionally he slips up and calls me Mom, but I gently correct him with
"Adrienne" and a smile if he doesn't correct himself.
A
* Calinda *
@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:
I hope my clarification helped some in regard to my post. I didn't intend
for my comments to be directed at Sandra and I thought by having an aside
at the bottom directed to her, that it was clear. After your post, I
realized it was not.
Cal~
Adrienne Winn
> Adrienne Winn wrote in news:ID60d.18602$Of3.13737
> @tornado.tampabay.rr.com:
>>
>>I guess I just don't know Sandra, and I expect more from Cal because I
>>do know more about her.
>>
>>Which may in and of itself be unfair.
>>
>>
>>>Yeah, I know, two people being unfair don't equal fairness. :P
>>
>>;)
>>
>>A
>>
>
>
> I hope my clarification helped some in regard to my post. I didn't intend
> for my comments to be directed at Sandra and I thought by having an aside
> at the bottom directed to her, that it was clear. After your post, I
> realized it was not.
Yes, it did help.
and I just realized that I made an oops. When I said "I just don't know
Sandra", I meant "I just don't know FrustratedMom", since she's the one
who made the comparison between bioparents wanting the exclusive title
and jealous teens, as Tracey mentioned.
Sorry about that. (And here I go, dragging Sandra into something yet
again! Sorry Sandra)
A
Melissa
>that can love my kids, the better."
Sure, and the more ways SS can learn to express love the better. Calling you
Mom is far from the only solution.
Love,
Melissa
"This virtual sand tastes just like real sand."
-Line from one of the cartoons SS watches.
Amy Lou
You look different. I'm seeing stars around you.
Amy
Amy Lou
"Sandra Morlet" <Smo...@pacbell.net>
> Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
> grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM.
One of my kids was too embarrassed to include his half siblings in his
family picture when the teacher asked the class to draw a picture of their
family. He was about 7 at the time.
We addressed that by explaining that families come in many different forms.
We didn't say "OK lets remove your half siblings from the family seeing as
they embarrass you so much". :-)
Kids are sponges. They absorb information from all over the place. Goodness
only knows where they get some of their ideas from. :)
Amy
* Calinda *
>> > Was that really Cal?
>> >
>> > Amy
>>
>> Was what really Cal?
>
> You look different. I'm seeing stars around you.
>
> Amy
LOL.. okay... I changed newsreaders, since I keep having trouble
replying to certain people and I finally found one that's fairly easy to
configure. OE wouldn't let me reply if a certain string of letters in
their headers were too long. When I changed newsreaders I changed the
lines to stars :) Cuz I am a Star! LOL (J/K)
Cal~
Sandra Morlet
there who can relate to my situation.
"Sandra Morlet" <Smo...@pacbell.net> wrote in message
news:2D%%c.17671$Yg3....@newssvr27.news.prodigy.com...
jane
>Just recently, within the past 3 months, with new friends and starting 1st
>grade, my SS advised me that he was emabarassed in calling me SM. I wasn't
>sure how to approach that topic without creating any more hurt feelings for
>the BM or my SS. I have had several discussions with my husband, and many
>of his conversations with the BM go wihtout any solution.
>
>Does anyone have any helpful advise?
How about he calls you "Sandra"? Has he actually been calling you
"Stepmother"? Or is he having trouble explaining your role to these new kids?
If he's embarassed *addressing* you as "stepmother," let him call you something
else. If he's embarassed *referring to* you as his step-mother, find out why.
There are options there, too; you're his father's wife, Sandra, etc. Still,
explaining his situation to his new friends, with the divorce, remarriage,
shared custody, etc. has got to happen sooner or later. This is probably the
first experience that many of them have had with this setup, but it won't be
the last.
jane
>From: "Sandra Morlet" Smo...@pacbell.net
Sandra Morlet
cold turkey calling me mom. My SS told me BM said she was tired of having
that conversation with him.
For me personally, him calling me Sandra, mom, stepmom, is not an issue, I
know how much he loves me and I have a full understanding of where I stand
in his life. I have tried suggesting a different name for me, something
that only he calls me, but he didn't care too much for the idea.
His embarrassment comes from not being around any other children in his
situation. All his friends have mom/dad. My SS goes to a private school,
the same kids he went to kindergarten with are the same kids he's going to
1st grade with, so there is no variety in families. There is one family in
his classroom, who does have a SP, however, the BF was never in the picture,
therefore, SF is referred to as the father.
This summer in summer camp he met new friends, etc...having to tell them I
was his stepmom was embarrassing for him. When children would ask him who I
was, he would avoid the question all together. There was a situation when I
child was insisting on knowing who I was, so I said "I'm his Sandra". My
means of lightning up the tension for my SS. My SS liked that, he went on to
tell that child that only 'he has a Sandra's and no one else did.
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040910100914...@mb-m12.aol.com...
rebecca
> His embarrassment comes from not being around any other children in his
> situation. All his friends have mom/dad. My SS goes to a private school,
> the same kids he went to kindergarten with are the same kids he's going to
> 1st grade with, so there is no variety in families.
Oh, we were in the exact same situation for a long time. One thing that SS
_really_ liked about when all the other kid's parents started splitting up
was that he was very experienced with the whole split family thing. Now
he's the first one to be understanding when someone's got a different kind
of family situation.
There are some books that might be good for you - lemme think - "The Family
Book" - I think that's Todd Parr? All the illustrations are done in really
bold colors, talks about different kinds of families. "Heather has two
mommies" also presents alternative family situations in a matter-of-fact
way. *Both do present homosexual families, so if that's an issue for you,
you should probably try something else.
You know, one bit of advice we got that we thought was useful - young kids
need sort of a script, sometimes, something they can say if the subject
comes up. That way if they get flustered, they can just spit out whatever
you've told them and not stand there like a gaping fish.
rebecca
Joy
"Sandra Morlet" <Smo...@pacbell.net> wrote in message
news:74j0d.13867$QJ3....@newssvr21.news.prodigy.com...
>
> situation. All his friends have mom/dad. My SS goes to a private school,
> the same kids he went to kindergarten with are the same kids he's going to
> 1st grade with, so there is no variety in families. There is one family
in
> his classroom, who does have a SP, however, the BF was never in the
picture,
> therefore, SF is referred to as the father.
Could he be getting a lot of the "you poor dear, you come from a broken
home" bits from some of these people? If so, maybe that is what's
embarrassing to him, rather than the actual explanation.
Melissa
>situation. All his friends have mom/dad. My SS goes to a private school,
>the same kids he went to kindergarten with are the same kids he's going to
>1st grade with, so there is no variety in families. There is one family in
>his classroom, who does have a SP, however, the BF was never in the picture,
>therefore, SF is referred to as the father.
>
That will change as he gets older. More and more parents of his friends will
split up.
FrustratedMom
Calinda: You mean to tell me that I'm supposed to treat my kids as though
they can't understand basic human relations? I have four kids, the first
two through marriage (stepkids), the next two the the 'birth' process.
I can't have one set of rules and expectations for two out of four. I
love them equally. If you factor in the amount of struggle that goes into
ensuring that their health and wellbeing is looked after (I'm the ONLY
provider of their health benefits, orthodontia, glasses, clothes, sports
lessons, music lessons. etc), my relationship is even more complex in many
ways with my SKs than with my 'bio' kids. Do not claim that giving birth
makes you the only holder of the title 'real' mother.
When I first met my kids, they started calling me by first name, and that
was fine by me, actually, expected. I have always made an effort to
appear as though the name they refer to me is incidental, relative to the
message they're saying at the moment.
Now, they sometimes refer to me by my first name, sometimes by Mom, it
varies. Most of the time it is Mom. I honestly believe that am doing
their mother an honor by not drawing attention to the title (rewarding,
discouraging, anything). Including when they (an I, and their father)
refers to her as Mom. She doesn't get badmouthed in front of the kids in
our home.
Sometimes the younger SK refers to his 'real' mom, and that's fine too
(although his older sister gets upset when he does that. She says that I
(stepmother) am also his 'real' mom. I tell them both that she doesn't
need to correct him. He's right, but that I understand too what she's
saying).
I came to this forum looking for support from other stepparents, because
of the struggles that are unique to being a 'step'. I'm not seeking
ridiculous notions that I'm supposed to, what, tell my kids, that "no, you
two can call me Mom, but you two can't?" They are siblings. They are not
at all confused about who's who. Don't discredit kids that easily.
They're not that stupid.
The younger two kids are now dealing with jealousy...'why can't they have
two Mom's?' The younger SK has told them that he can share his 'real' Mom
with his siblings. (I was totally proud of him, it meant that not only was
he sweet, generous, loved his brothers, but that he felt comfortable
talking about this in front of me).
Oh, by the way, the 'bio' or 'real' mom seems to be willing to be called
by 'my' 'natural' kids : Mommy____ (her first name), or Aunt___, or just
______ (___blank is her name). I've broached the subject with her, and
she said that she's honored that I'm willing to offer those alternatives.
The kids are little now, so, we're not sure what they're going to choose.
But, fortunately, in at least this one issue, their BM and I agree that
whatever else happens on THIS issue, it will be based on respect, not
insecurity.
me saying that.
is wrong, IMO.
GD "REAL" in quotes.
No, the person who is causing this is the SM that feel SO threatened by
their spouse having a child with someone else, that they feel the need to
take over the title of that child's mother. The SM could easily find a
million other things their SK's could call them.
> not
> holding on tighter. It really is his chocie.
Would you allow a child to call their teacher by their first name, saying
"it's their choice", or your elderly next door neighbor as 'Bitch",
because
it's "their choice'? Same thing.
Children need to be taught how to address other's in the proper fashion.
This is no different. Perhaps this child is confused and needs direction
on how to address their SM. Perhaps the SM can think of some nickname
she'd be comfortable being called by the child.
> To quote a friend "The
> more people that can love my kids, the better."
Sure, they can love them, but there is no need to dilute a mother's title
for her kids, simply because her ex decides to marry someone else.
> She too has kids with
> a stepmother, and theirs is a rare example of adults behaving like
> adults, not as jealous pre-teens.
I don't see it this way. I see it as a SM trying to relegate a parent to
something other than what they are. It puts the mother in a lesser
position, and for me, it's hard enough having to lose the time with my
children to someone I never wanted around them in the first place, but
for
that person to take my title and dilute it by using it herself, when she
didn't give birth to those kids would tick me off.
As for as the OP and the child wondering how to explain Step parents. My
* Calinda *
news:61189511f18c94ee...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com:
> Unreal.
>
> Calinda: You mean to tell me that I'm supposed to treat my kids as
> though they can't understand basic human relations? I have four kids,
> the first two through marriage (stepkids), the next two the the
> 'birth' process.
>
> I can't have one set of rules and expectations for two out of four.
Who said you should? Not me. What I said is this (clarified in a later
post, btw):
_IF_ the BP objects to a SP from using their title of Mom or Dad, and is an
involved partner in raising those kids, then the BP *should* respect their
wishes on that front. IF the BP's do not care.. then it doesn't matter.
It's a matter of respecting the BP as well as teaching the children to
respect the BP as well.
The poster that said they allow their SKids to call them mom, but tell them
to make sure not to do so in front of their mother is teaching the kids
it's okay to lie to their BP's. Either way, it's wrong in my opinion.
> I
> love them equally. If you factor in the amount of struggle that goes
> into ensuring that their health and wellbeing is looked after (I'm the
> ONLY provider of their health benefits, orthodontia, glasses, clothes,
> sports lessons, music lessons. etc), my relationship is even more
> complex in many ways with my SKs than with my 'bio' kids. Do not
> claim that giving birth makes you the only holder of the title 'real'
> mother.
See the reply to another poster when questioned. I've answered this
already.
> When I first met my kids, they started calling me by first name, and
> that was fine by me, actually, expected. I have always made an effort
> to appear as though the name they refer to me is incidental, relative
> to the message they're saying at the moment.
>
> Now, they sometimes refer to me by my first name, sometimes by Mom, it
> varies. Most of the time it is Mom. I honestly believe that am doing
> their mother an honor by not drawing attention to the title
> (rewarding, discouraging, anything). Including when they (an I, and
> their father) refers to her as Mom. She doesn't get badmouthed in
> front of the kids in our home.
>
> Sometimes the younger SK refers to his 'real' mom, and that's fine too
> (although his older sister gets upset when he does that. She says
> that I (stepmother) am also his 'real' mom. I tell them both that she
> doesn't need to correct him. He's right, but that I understand too
> what she's saying).
>
> I came to this forum looking for support from other stepparents,
> because of the struggles that are unique to being a 'step'.
Well, this is an open forum, anyone can post regardless of status.
> I'm not
> seeking ridiculous notions that I'm supposed to, what, tell my kids,
LOL..
> that "no, you two can call me Mom, but you two can't?"
Why not, you're not the mom to all four. You may be a fabulous step-mother
to those two kids, but as long as their mother hasn't walked away from
them, they have a mother already. _IF_ she didn't want them to call you
mom, would you ignore her wishes? Or would you respect her wishes and find
some other solution. This is what I am saying needs to be done.
> They are
> siblings. They are not at all confused about who's who. Don't
> discredit kids that easily.
You are proving My point, not making your own. Kids are able to learn and
understand and distinguish who is who and how you all relate to each other.
There is little need to worry that if they don't all call you mom, that
they won't understand their relationships in the family.
They're not that stupid.
Never implied they were stupid, so don't put words into my mouth. You,
however seem to imply they are too stupid to be able to understand that you
are mom to two and step mom to the other two, but they share one dad
(assuming they do).
I don't think kids are too stupid to understand. I grew up with a step-dad,
and two older siblings, and then three younger half siblings. I know from
experience that any confusion that arises can be put to rest fairly easily.
> The younger two kids are now dealing with jealousy...'why can't they
> have two Mom's?' The younger SK has told them that he can share his
> 'real' Mom with his siblings. (I was totally proud of him, it meant
> that not only was he sweet, generous, loved his brothers, but that he
> felt comfortable talking about this in front of me).
>
> Oh, by the way, the 'bio' or 'real' mom seems to be willing to be
> called by 'my' 'natural' kids : Mommy____ (her first name), or
> Aunt___, or just ______ (___blank is her name). I've broached the
> subject with her, and she said that she's honored that I'm willing to
> offer those alternatives. The kids are little now, so, we're not sure
> what they're going to choose.
It's good that you two are able to work out to both of your satisfaction,
not everyone has a non-adversarial relationship.
> But, fortunately, in at least this one issue, their BM and I agree
> that whatever else happens on THIS issue, it will be based on respect,
> not insecurity.
It has *nothing* to do with security or insecurity. It has to do with
being respectful of the parents and their feelings on the matter.
And I stand by my comment that using the term "REAL" in regards to a parent
disgusts me. It is belittling the parent, regardless of whether it's used
as "Real Mom" or "Real Dad".
I *also* can't stand when someone says someone is "Only a Step-mom" or
"Only a Step-Dad". So.. this is where I'm coming from. I do *not* like
to see someone belittling what it means to be either a parent or a step
parent. Period.
Cal~
* Calinda *
> FrustratedMom wrote in
>
>> They are
>> siblings. They are not at all confused about who's who. Don't
>> discredit kids that easily.
>
> You are proving My point, not making your own. Kids are able to learn
> and understand and distinguish who is who and how you all relate to
> each other. There is little need to worry that if they don't all call
> you mom, that they won't understand their relationships in the family.
>
> They're not that stupid.
>
> Never implied they were stupid, so don't put words into my mouth.
> You, however seem to imply they are too stupid to be able to
> understand that you are mom to two and step mom to the other two, but
> they share one dad (assuming they do).
Just for clarification.. the "They're not that stupid" is quoted from
Frustratedmom, not from me. In my reply I accidently nipped the > from
that portion of the post.
Cal~
Tracey
FrustratedMom wrote:
> But, fortunately, in at least this one issue, their BM and I agree that
> whatever else happens on THIS issue, it will be based on respect, not
> insecurity.
Why are you equating a parent who does not want their child to call
anyone but themselves Mom or Dad with insecurity? I just had a flash
of an idea and wonder how many people would be willing to let their
spouse's secretary who did things like pick up their laundry, set
their schedule, answer their phones, do a lot of the things that a
spouse does, be called their husband/wife?
Tracey
rebecca
"FrustratedMom" <M...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:61189511f18c94ee...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
>
> But, fortunately, in at least this one issue, their BM and I agree that
> whatever else happens on THIS issue, it will be based on respect, not
> insecurity.
Okay, well, this takes you out of the SM as Mom debate. The central issue
is not whether the kids can tell the difference, but rather what's the
appropriate thing to do when the birthparent objects. Yours doesn't, do
whatever blows your dress up.
On the other issue you raised, whenever the "real" word starts getting
thrown around in combination with mom or dad, it 99% of the time leads to an
inflamed discussion about whether one side or the other is "fake," somehow
of less value or putting out less effort to the children. You clearly felt
that yourself when you felt obligated to mention that you are the sole
provider of health care and extras for your stepkids. You are no less real
than their birthmother, but you are not their birthmother. That's not a
slam at you, it's simply a biological reality. As a general rule, on this
board, because "real" is so inflammatory, whatever individuals feel, we
prefer to use "biological" "birth" or "bio" when differentiating between
birth parents and step parents.
rebecca
FrustratedMom
by Tracey <rbran...@aol.com> Sep 13, 2004 at 05:29 PM
FrustratedMom wrote:
Tracey
______________________________________________
Tracey, sorry, I'm not seeing how the roles of a secretary could be
compared to that of a stepmother. It is true that many stepparents are
not as involved as 'real' parents, but the analogy is not really
appropriate, I'd suggest.
I still stand by the insecurity notion.
I too am a 'real' parent, as well as a step, and my 'bio'-son has referred
to his brother's BM as 'Mom', in person, I might add (like I said, he's
little, so it hasn't come up too much). What was her reaction? She
seemed taken aback, surprised, startled. But really pleased. She and I
agree that the relationship that they have will ultimately be between
them. I don't know if he'll ever be invited to his brother's 'real' home,
but we've agreed to it,, if it comes to that.
I have been there, and frankly, it just doesn't hurt my feelings. It's
merely evidence, I believe, of how we've done a good job making the kids
feel good about themselves, and that they're not 'half' siblings, or
anything of the sort.
They will always know who their 'real' Mom is.
My children will be adults some day, and I hope that when they look back,
that they don't accuse us of putting up more boundaries than are
necessary.
FrustratedMom
instances be just as meaningless, in terms of a parent's worth.
I have described perhaps one of the only, if not the only, issue that
their BM and I agree on. For the most part she's a flake, a drunk (yes,
every day), and downright neglectful. I have very little use for the
woman.
Sometimes the best thing that I can say to myself is that I know she's
doing her best, whatever that means.
So, call them "biological" or anything else, but going back to Sandra's
original post, the best that I can offer to the the contrary of what I've
suggested earlier, would be to tell a child that:
"I love that you feel comfortable enough to call me Mom. I love you. But I
think that if you call me Mom, that Mom's feelings will get hurt. What do
you think? Would it be ok if you called me _____?" and take it from
there (allowing for the childs age of course.
I would never insist that a child call me Mom, nor would I insist that
they couldn't. I would ASK them for input. I'd be willing to bet that
most kids wouldn't mind changing course. If they don't, it might be a
symptom of a bigger problem.
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> Sep 13, 2004 at 06:38 PM
Tracey
FrustratedMom wrote:
> Tracey, sorry, I'm not seeing how the roles of a secretary could be
> compared to that of a stepmother. It is true that many stepparents are
> not as involved as 'real' parents, but the analogy is not really
> appropriate, I'd suggest.
Sure it is. It's because it's not an issue for you that you don't
see it, IMO.
> I still stand by the insecurity notion.
>
> I too am a 'real' parent, as well as a step, and my 'bio'-son has referred
> to his brother's BM as 'Mom', in person, I might add (like I said, he's
> little, so it hasn't come up too much). What was her reaction? She
> seemed taken aback, surprised, startled. But really pleased. She and I
> agree that the relationship that they have will ultimately be between
> them. I don't know if he'll ever be invited to his brother's 'real' home,
> but we've agreed to it,, if it comes to that.
>
> I have been there, and frankly, it just doesn't hurt my feelings.
But that's *you*. No one here has suggested that your stepkids should
not call you Mom or that your biokids should not call your husband's
ex Mom. You guys are okay with it, it's up to you. But I, personally,
would be *very* upset if one of my children were to call their best
friend's mother Mom or, if they were to ever have a stepmother, call
them Mom. And because that doesn't hurt your feelings, you're saying
*I'm* insecure is pretty insulting, IMO. You don't hear me saying that
a person who isn't hurt by their children calling another person Mom
or Dad must not love their children as much as I do, do you?
Tracey
FrustratedMom
by Tracey <rbran...@aol.com> Sep 13, 2004 at 08:18 PM
FrustratedMom wrote:
Tracey
-----------------------------
Tracey:
In sum, No, absolutely not.
Loving our kids makes us all insecure on some level. In fact, the more
that we love them, the more true that probably becomes: "Should I do this,
Should I not do this, Am I doing the right thing?" Hopefully you get my
meaning.
The question is not about love, in terms of your question "You don't hear
me saying that a person who isn't hurt by their children calling another
person Mom or Dad must not love their children as much as I do, do you?
Tracey".
I really doubt that people who weren't devoted members of a step situation
would come looking for a forum such as this.
Vicki Robinson
>I really doubt that people who weren't devoted members of a step situation
>would come looking for a forum such as this.
Stick around. You might be surprised. We get a lot of folks who come
by expecting to be told that their spouse's ex is a total nutcase and
that the new poster is totally right in everything and has a right to
feel bad and that yes, indeed, everyone else is at fault and should
change.
These people don't stay very long!
And, as a datapoint, I am very secure in my relationship with my
children, and I think I love their stepmom more than their father
does, but she's "E", *never* "Mom." For my kids to call her "Mom"
would be as wrong as them calling me by her first name. They have one
mother. They have a devoted stepmother, with whom they have a very
close relationship. But she's their friend, not their mother.
Vicki
--
Power may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its
bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks,
it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it,
and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton.
t.mcmanis
We are going back to court for our children due to stepmother having/being
Bipolar. Nothing againest her but well being of children is primary concern.
But then again this could be another long thread.
B.R.
Ray
"Vicki Robinson" <vjr...@xcski.com> wrote in message
news:ci51tt$9ee$1...@allhats.xcski.com...
rebecca
"t.mcmanis" <t.mc...@insightbb.com> wrote in message
news:Fep1d.42657$D%.21108@attbi_s51...
> well put!
> We are going back to court for our children due to stepmother having/being
> Bipolar. Nothing againest her but well being of children is primary
concern.
> But then again this could be another long thread.
> B.R.
> Ray
which will only matter in court if she refuses to treat it. And even then
will only matter if she has substantial contact with the children.
rebecca
Vicki Robinson
>
>"t.mcmanis" <t.mc...@insightbb.com> wrote in message
>news:Fep1d.42657$D%.21108@attbi_s51...
>> well put!
>> We are going back to court for our children due to stepmother having/being
>> Bipolar. Nothing againest her but well being of children is primary
>concern.
>> But then again this could be another long thread.
>
>which will only matter in court if she refuses to treat it. And even then
>will only matter if she has substantial contact with the children.
And it matters to what extent the bipolar disorder manifests itself.
Lots of bipolar people make fine parents; it isn't, on its face,
reason to remove kids from a home.
What is the specific problem?
t.mcmanis
little things.
We don't want them not to be around her just not alone with her. As I said
it is nothing againest her personally just the way she conducts herself and
the way she treats the kids.news:ci5dml$fhl$1...@allhats.xcski.com...
Laura_Th
admit that I have never "chatted"...so forgive me if I've done it
incorrectly.
It's great to see that I'm in no way alone. I've been scrolling through
all of your emails and am amazed at how relavant most of it is to me.
I am a new SM to a 7 (almost 8 yo) SD and a 15 yo SS. I have been very
close to both kids since they were 4 and 12. I don't have any bio children
yet but we hope to soon. Unfortunately, my H and I have a very difficult
relationship with his ex-wife.
I grew up with a SF myself and my 3 parents did a great job of getting
along like friends. I had hoped this would be the case for us too but it
is definitely not.
About the "mom" word...my SD repeatedly expressed the desire to call me
mom when my H and I got married almost a year ago. She and I are very
close. (The kids spend about 40% of the year with us.) I told her she was
welcome to call me whatever she felt comfortable with. I expected BM to
object but I wanted that to come from her. She did. I made it easy for my
SD and told her that if it hurt her mom's feelings she might just want to
keep calling me "Laura." I got the feeling she was a little disappointed
but we are moving forward...we both know how we feel about each other and
our bond is special.
The real problem we are having (and would love some constructive advise
about)...is that BM is extremely difficult to deal with and regularly
leaves profane messages on our answering machine. Basically if my H
doesn't agree to every demand she makes about the schedule,
school...whatever...we have a screaming match...actually she screams, he
tries to get a word in edgewise.
Recently, we took SS to the orthodontist to have a consult. He is 15 and
BM hadn't taken him yet. The dr. suggested 2 years of braces which we were
willing to pay for. We were going to discuss the appointment with BM and
had a dupe packet of papers for her to look at and keep. She went
completely crazy when SS mentioned the appointment to her on the phone
before my H had the chance to discuss it with her. She called the dr. and
sent a certified letter threatening to sue him if he touched her son. My H
has joint legal custody and we constantly run into a problem anytime he
tries to act like their parent. I am appalled by the lack of rights a
father has. In my mind she is clearly violating his parental rights by
causing a free-for-all when he tries to care for his child. To be
perfectly clear...I am not in anyway suggesting that this is typical
behavior for a BM ...but we are dealing with someone who could be a guest
on the Jerry Springer Show.
I'll stop here and see what anyone might have to say. I probably left out
important details but I feel like I could go on forever and am trying not
to. Thanks, Laura
Vicki Robinson
>I am coming on to this site for the first time tonight. In fact, I hate to
>admit that I have never "chatted"...so forgive me if I've done it
>incorrectly.
>
I see you're coming to alt.support.step-parents through
talkaboutparenting. This isn't a bad thing, but you have to be aware
that this is not a private board where everyone is registered and
known.
This is a Usenet newsgroup that is open to anyone with a computer,
an internet connection and a newsreader, and it is being archived at
groups.google.com which anyone can look up anytime they want. Your
email
address is hidden on talkabout, but it's not on Usenet! We can all
see it, and so can the spam harvester robots. The talkabout people
are
just providing a web interface and forcing you to look at advertising.
If you want to make sure that google doesn't archive your posts you
have to put, as the **very first line of every post**
X-no-archive: yes
People who quote you, however, may be archived, and your words will
live forever.
If this is not a concern for you, you'll find this a pretty good
tough-love group. We generally don't waste a lot of time patting
people's shoulders and murmuring "There there, Dear". The response is
more likely to be "That's really rough, how are you making it worse,
and what are your choices for making it better?" If what you're
looking for is practical advice from a lot of people (mostly women)
who've been there and done that, this is the place to be. We are
stepmoms and biomoms, custodial and non-custodial. Sometimes we
are the step-parents, sometimes it's our husbands who are steps to
our biokids. Sometimes its our exes who have repartnered, and it's
our kids who are trying to adjust to a step in their lives.
Tell us more about your situation.
Laura_Th
Thanks for your help. Laura
Vicki Robinson
>I'm not sure how to hide my email. What site do I have to register with?
>Thanks for your help. Laura
You can't "hide" your email, and there isn't a site to register with.
This is why sites like talkabout bother me; they mislead you.
This is Usenet. If you can put a fake address into whatever interface
you're using, then that's what will show up. But Usenet doesn't
belong to anyone, and isn't controlled by anyone other than the people
who post here. There is no registration, it's pretty anarchic.
If talkabout gives you a place to enter your email, change it. I
would strongly suggest that you get a throw-away email account from
yahoo or hotmail or something like that and use that one.
Lori
> In a previous article, "FrustratedMom" <M...@nospam.net> said:
>
> >I really doubt that people who weren't devoted members of a step
situation
> >would come looking for a forum such as this.
>
> Stick around. You might be surprised. We get a lot of folks who come
> by expecting to be told that their spouse's ex is a total nutcase and
> that the new poster is totally right in everything and has a right to
> feel bad and that yes, indeed, everyone else is at fault and should
> change.
>
> These people don't stay very long!
>
> And, as a datapoint, I am very secure in my relationship with my
> children, and I think I love their stepmom more than their father
> does, but she's "E", *never* "Mom." For my kids to call her "Mom"
> would be as wrong as them calling me by her first name. They have one
> mother. They have a devoted stepmother, with whom they have a very
> close relationship. But she's their friend, not their mother.
>
> Vicki
My SS has been calling me mom. But then, he's barely seen his "real" mommy
in over a year, and when she was back in the state last month for a hearing
to get court consent to move her other child out of state, she didn't even
bother to call until the night before she went back to FL, let alone try to
arrange a visit during the 4 days she was within one hour of us.I have no
problem at all allowing him to call me mom. In pretty much every aspect
other than biology, I *have* become his mom. I also, however, feel there is
nothing wrong in advising him that on the occasions he *does* speak to or
see her, that perhaps he would want to be mindful of her feelings and not do
it around her. But you know, when on the phone with her during that call
when she was in town, he did refer to me as mom. She hasn't said anything
at all about it. she knows who's actually fullfilling the role. She made a
point afterwards of telling me how much easier, less stressfull & less
inconvenient her life is with him living with us. Gee, go figure... life is
easier and less stressful without kids. Who would have thought! LOL! So,
I'm doing the job, but I'm the one getting the hugs and kisses, too.
Lori
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
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rebecca
> she is very aggressive with kids one minute lovey dovey next going nuts
over
> little things.
> We don't want them not to be around her just not alone with her. As I said
> it is nothing againest her personally just the way she conducts herself
and
> the way she treats the kids.
> B.R.
> Ray
Well, Ray, don't take this the wrong way, okay? I'm sure she's hard for
them to be around. But you might want to re-consider going to court over
something like you've described. Not only because 1) you have very
exceptionally little chance of actually getting what you want, but 2) you
can only come off like a pair of controllers when you try something like
this and 3) the acrimony you will create in dad by attacking his wife I
guarantee will bite you in the ass for years to come.
Have the children asked you to do this? How old are they? How much time do
they spend with the SM? Is she formally diagnosed bipolar by a doc, or have
you Internet-diagnosed her yourselves?
rebecca
Wendy
"Laura_Th" <l...@nfdc.net> wrote in message
news:a6e83491a5f9979c...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
>I am coming on to this site for the first time tonight. In fact, I hate to
> admit that I have never "chatted"...so forgive me if I've done it
> incorrectly.
Welcome, Laura
> The real problem we are having (and would love some constructive advise
> about)...is that BM is extremely difficult to deal with and regularly
> leaves profane messages on our answering machine. Basically if my H
> doesn't agree to every demand she makes about the schedule,
> school...whatever...we have a screaming match...actually she screams, he
> tries to get a word in edgewise.
>
> Recently, we took SS to the orthodontist to have a consult. He is 15 and
> BM hadn't taken him yet. The dr. suggested 2 years of braces which we were
> willing to pay for. We were going to discuss the appointment with BM and
> had a dupe packet of papers for her to look at and keep. She went
> completely crazy when SS mentioned the appointment to her on the phone
> before my H had the chance to discuss it with her. She called the dr. and
> sent a certified letter threatening to sue him if he touched her son. My H
> has joint legal custody and we constantly run into a problem anytime he
> tries to act like their parent. I am appalled by the lack of rights a
> father has. In my mind she is clearly violating his parental rights by
> causing a free-for-all when he tries to care for his child. To be
> perfectly clear...I am not in anyway suggesting that this is typical
> behavior for a BM ...but we are dealing with someone who could be a guest
> on the Jerry Springer Show.
I guess the only thing your Husband (generally referred to as DH on this
newsgroup) can do is to try to talk to her about things before he does them.
People get emotional and upset about all sorts of things through a sense of
guilt, perhaps because they feel they should have done something themselves,
or out of fear because they are afraid perhaps that this shuts them out of
the
decision taking process for something.
Relationships always involve two or more people, and it's rare that conflict
is only about one person. That isn't to say that you and your DH aren't
great parents or easy to get along with. Often without even realising it,
people get locked into the habits of a relationship without really looking
at how they might change.
Some people might suggest you get an answer phone and don't answer it
if she's on it, but in my world that would be escalating the conflict by
increasing the rift between the two households.
Ask yourselfves what might have happened if your DH had said he wanted
to arrnage this appointment, what did she think about coming along too and
setting the appointment at a time when they could both go.
Wendy
Melissa
>little things.
>We don't want them not to be around her just not alone with her. As I said
>it is nothing againest her personally just the way she conducts herself and
>the way she treats the kids.
>B.R.
>Ray
You're not serious are you?
The Watsons
> well put!
> We are going back to court for our children due to stepmother having/being
> Bipolar. Nothing againest her but well being of children is primary
> concern.
> But then again this could be another long thread.
> B.R.
> Ray
What the hell does someone being bipolar have to do with the children's
wellbeing? Bipolar is a treatable medical condition, not something that puts
the kids at any risk.
Jess
Laura_Th
important thing I take away from both of you (as far as what I can do
differently) is telling BM ahead of time when we make this kind of
appointment.
Unfortunately, history tells me that would not have gone well. It seems
there is always a surprise I didn't plan for. For instance, it would have
been natural for DH and me to let BM know the dr.'s name ahead of time and
yet had that been the case, it turns out BM would have called and
threatened to sue the guy. (From experience, I feel that had she been told
in advance it would not have kept her from doing that. I suppose I could
be wrong but I'm doubtful.) I guess DH could have let her know he was
taking SS and refused to divulge the dr.'s name but that seems even
stranger than just going for a consult and then talking to her about it
once we even knew if SS needed braces. And so that was the plan. It also
seems weird to me to tell SS not to talk to BM until DH has a chance to
talk to her about it but that may be a break down in my instincts.
Thoughts? SS has a habit of getting himself in the middle of controversy
between BM and DH...I think partly because BM and DH bring him in (BM much
more so but DH isn't perfect either) and partly because he's learned it's
a powerful position and he sort of likes it.
Back to the braces...It's not like we put them on the kid. We knew BM
would have to be involved in making the ultimate decision but we wanted to
get an opinion from an ortho. first. We also kind of knew BM wasn't
planning to get braces for SS since she hadn't taken him yet at 15 and SD
has gone at 7. Now BM insists SS doesn't need braces and isn't going to
take him to another ortho. Our Dr. has let us know he isn't going to touch
SS with a ten foot pole because of the crazy woman he had to deal with on
the phone and so now SS isn't going to have braces, I guess.
I am just having a hard time accepting these realities. I don't know if
there is another course of action to be taken here or if I should just
back off. Our attorney has said we could try and change custody. This
would be a nightmare and it isn't what the kids want.
I always thought I was good at managing difficult people, but I've never
had this kind of drama in my life before. I feel like I now have a little
insight into what an abused person must feel, in that I try to alter my
own behavior or suggest alterations my husband can make to his in order
not to set this woman off. Still I am constantly blindsided by the kind of
responses we'll get from BM to even benign situations. I don't know
another person like her and the unpredictability is tough to navigate
through. Still I am genuinely interested in mastering this challenge for
the sake of SS and SD.
DH and I are going to go see a family therapist to figure out how to deal
with BM better. It breaks my heart when I see SD shut down after a blow
up. The fights are happening less but we just had a big one over the
braces and I'm trying to figure out how I can help make things smoother
and yet have an outcome that benefits SS.
In answer to where DH is...he is a sweet man and a great father...the main
reason I fell in love with him....but he doesn't communicate his feelings
easily. Not for lack of trying...he just shuts down with BM because he
needs time to process and articulate his thoughts and she doesn't give him
the chance before she looses control of her own emotions...so a lot of the
"negotiating" is handled behind the scenes by me. I am the strategist.
Thanks for your ears and thoughts.
Laura
rebecca
> It also
> seems weird to me to tell SS not to talk to BM until DH has a chance to
> talk to her about it but that may be a break down in my instincts.
Yup, your instincts are wrong. Any big life issue (marriage, kids, moving,
doctors, basically anything BM's likely to go nuts about) comes from your
husband, not the kids. Two reasons: 1) it's really his responsiblity to
tell her and 2) him doing it protects the kids from her reaction.
> so now SS isn't going to have braces, I guess.
You know, if the kid needs braces, this is the kind of thing you _can_ get a
court order for.
> I always thought I was good at managing difficult people, but I've never
> had this kind of drama in my life before. I feel like I now have a little
> insight into what an abused person must feel, in that I try to alter my
> own behavior or suggest alterations my husband can make to his in order
> not to set this woman off. Still I am constantly blindsided by the kind of
> responses we'll get from BM to even benign situations. I don't know
> another person like her and the unpredictability is tough to navigate
> through. Still I am genuinely interested in mastering this challenge for
> the sake of SS and SD.
Been there, got about 57 t-shirts. It's all about balancing your/the kids'
wants/needs against the trauma of getting them met. Picking your fights,
and really being sure that you're picking the right ones.
Good luck
rebecca
Wendy
"Laura_Th" <l...@nfdc.net> wrote in message
news:3769211413d98783...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> most
> important thing I take away from both of you (as far as what I can do
> differently) is telling BM ahead of time when we make this kind of
> appointment.
I guess I'd say that talking with her beforehand is only part of it, it's
about
getting her views on things so that you aren't venturing into areas of
conflict
without realising it.
What if your DH had asked her to go along for the consultation and left you
out of it? Might she have been more willing to consider the idea or not?
> seems weird to me to tell SS not to talk to BM until DH has a chance to
> talk to her about it but that may be a break down in my instincts.
I definitely wouldn't start down the road of asking a child not to be open
and frank with the other parent. I think that would be a recipe for disaster
and might give the child the impression that withholding information or
lying
about something is acceptable behaviour, which I don't think it is.
> Back to the braces...It's not like we put them on the kid. We knew BM
> would have to be involved in making the ultimate decision but we wanted to
> get an opinion from an ortho. first. We also kind of knew BM wasn't
> planning to get braces for SS since she hadn't taken him yet at 15 and SD
> has gone at 7. Now BM insists SS doesn't need braces and isn't going to
> take him to another ortho.
Has your DH asked her why she doesn't think he needs them? My youngest
daughter has just had braces on her upper teeth to try and get her incisors
to
come down level with the others, but the orthodontist says that her bite is
extremely bad and that once she's 16 she should have an operation to
correct the alignment of the lower jaw and the upper one. My ex seems to
think that it's unnecessary and feels that operations are a risk which
aren't really
warranted. I think that a bite and teeth are essential factors in general
health
and well being, e.g. the ability to chew properly with more than her very
back molars and if she loses them at some point in the future for whatever
reason, not being able to chew properly at all. Perhaps the BM in this
situation
has formed a negative opinion about the benefit of braces? Your DH needs
to find out what the real issue is.
Seven seems awfully young for braces. Your SD won't even have all her adult
teeth, or is this some sort of appartus for expanding the jaw? My girls had
something like that and I'm not sure that that didn't cause part of the
problem
with my youngest's bite, though it's impossible to prove.
Ultimately, your DH could keep the money and your SS could have it done
at 18 when he's able to consent for himself. Lots of adults have braces to
fix
teeth that could have been done when they were little.
Our Dr. has let us know he isn't going to touch
> SS with a ten foot pole because of the crazy woman he had to deal with on
> the phone and so now SS isn't going to have braces, I guess.
I don't blame him.
> I am just having a hard time accepting these realities. I don't know if
> there is another course of action to be taken here or if I should just
> back off. Our attorney has said we could try and change custody. This
> would be a nightmare and it isn't what the kids want.
Is there a chance that the ex knows or senses that you are behind the
the negotiations and that that might be what makes her irrate?
Has your DH tried writing his thoughts and asking for hers, possibly
in email?
Wendy
Deborah M Riel
treated is compliant and the treatment is successful. I've known a
few people with bipolar disorder and some could be putting kids at
risk with their behavior, and some probably never would put anyone at
risk at all. There isn't enough information about this particular
situation to draw any conclusions about risk.
Deb R.
rebecca
"Wendy" <we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:ci7gmu$pd8$1...@news5.svr.pol.co.uk...
>
> I definitely wouldn't start down the road of asking a child not to be open
> and frank with the other parent. I think that would be a recipe for
disaster
> and might give the child the impression that withholding information or
> lying
> about something is acceptable behaviour, which I don't think it is.
Oh, this is a v. good point. We have generally been able to time telling SS
things with a note to his mother - in otherwords, letting her know
immediately before/as we're telling SS. She has time to react however she's
going to before seeing SS again, but not the time to tell him whatever our
news is first.
When you're dealing with medical stuff, though, I would always bias toward a
discussion with BM first before doing _anything_ new.
rebecca
Laura_Th
from BM. The appointment was intentionally scheduled for a Fri. and we had
the kids for that weekend...which I thought would give DH (what does the
"D" stand for?) enough time to speak to BM before SS, but BM happened to
call pretty much the minute we walked in from the appointment and SS just
mentioned it to her matter-of-factly.
We had made a point of discussing with the dr. and SS that BM had to get
all of the info and her input would be critical...so I think he felt
pretty safe talking to her about it.
The suggestion that DH and BM go with SS to the appointment was
interesting. Emotionally I hate the idea but it might just be necessary.
This is not the relationship my 3 parents had and so it feels weird to me.
Alas, I think it's time to get in touch with our attorney. BM is in
violation of the custody agreement lately as well and DH and I just spoke
about the fact that we think it's time to turn it over to a professional.
We seem to be at a real impass.
Thanks for your insight. It gave me some things to rethink and in other
ways it reassured me that I normally consider all reasonable options as
much of what was suggested wasn't a surprise.
Sorry to not be able to offer much to others, but I am very much of a
novice at this. Family counseling here we come.
Good luck to all...I'm sure I'll pop back in in the future and maybe then
I can offer some insights for another.
Thank you.
Laura
The Watsons
> The suggestion that DH and BM go with SS to the appointment was
> interesting. Emotionally I hate the idea but it might just be necessary.
> This is not the relationship my 3 parents had and so it feels weird to me.
But ya know, the whole "being a stepparent" deal is completely weird because
there are so many more issues and so many more dynamics and boundaries to
keep track of. It's great that your three parents had a friendly
relationship, and there are probably some ideas you can take from them, but
don't be afraid to try new things that might work better for you, your DH
and the BM now.
Jess
Wendy
> Thanks for getting back to me. My gut also says not to ask SS to hide info
> from BM. The appointment was intentionally scheduled for a Fri. and we had
> the kids for that weekend...which I thought would give DH (what does the
> "D" stand for?)
Divorced , though for some people, Dear or Darling, possubly.
> The suggestion that DH and BM go with SS to the appointment was
> interesting. Emotionally I hate the idea
Why?
My ex and I often go to school appointments and other types of child related
activities together. Then again my ex comes here for Chrismtas so my
children
can be with both parents. My partber, Barclay, doesn't generally attend
these
appointments with us, though he has been known to take the girls to doctor's
appointments when my ex and I were unable to.
but it might just be necessary.
> This is not the relationship my 3 parents had and so it feels weird to me.
Every relationship is different. I do lots of things differently from my
parents,
though they've been a clear influence on me in terms of parenting style.
> Alas, I think it's time to get in touch with our attorney. BM is in
> violation of the custody agreement lately as well and DH and I just spoke
> about the fact that we think it's time to turn it over to a professional.
> We seem to be at a real impass.
There are situations which necessitate battling things in court, but it's my
view that going to court should be a last resort. It just entrenches both
sides into an adversarial stance.
Good luck
Wendy
heather m.
"FrustratedMom" <M...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:83b160bc8197971a...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
> Re: Mom vs Stepmom
> by Tracey <rbran...@aol.com> Sep 13, 2004 at 05:29 PM
>
> FrustratedMom wrote:
>
> > But, fortunately, in at least this one issue, their BM and I agree that
> > whatever else happens on THIS issue, it will be based on respect, not
> > insecurity.
>
> Why are you equating a parent who does not want their child to call anyone
> but themselves Mom or Dad with insecurity? I just had a flash of an idea
> and wonder how many people would be willing to let their spouse's
> secretary who did things like pick up their laundry, set
> their schedule, answer their phones, do a lot of the things that a spouse
> does, be called their husband/wife?
>
> Tracey
> ______________________________________________
> Tracey, sorry, I'm not seeing how the roles of a secretary could be
> compared to that of a stepmother. It is true that many stepparents are
> not as involved as 'real' parents, but the analogy is not really
> appropriate, I'd suggest.
>
>
> I too am a 'real' parent, as well as a step, and my 'bio'-son has referred
> to his brother's BM as 'Mom', in person, I might add (like I said, he's
> little, so it hasn't come up too much). What was her reaction? She
> seemed taken aback, surprised, startled. But really pleased. She and I
> agree that the relationship that they have will ultimately be between
> them. I don't know if he'll ever be invited to his brother's 'real' home,
> but we've agreed to it,, if it comes to that.
>
> I have been there, and frankly, it just doesn't hurt my feelings.
Do you realize how self-righteous that sounds? Surely somebody down the
line has told/taught you that just because something doesn't bother you,
doesn't mean it doesn't bother the other person. *And* just because I
peacefully disagree with or dislike something that *you* like or agree with
Does Not mean that I am insecure. There is such a thing as having a
different opinion/way of life as compared to yours, and just because it's
your's doesn't automatically mean that everyone who disagrees is insecure.
You can think, obsess, rationalize all you want, but until you're some
little genie with the power to get into someone else's head and read their
thoughts/intentions then you will never fully know whether someone else's
opinion is based in insecurity and to actually think that you know this is
incredibly pretentious of you.
Heather
heather m.
>
> I came to this forum looking for support from other stepparents, because
> of the struggles that are unique to being a 'step'.
I see. You know, usually it is wise to get the other person's viewpoint
when trying to reach a compromise or solution to a problem. But you don't
want a compromise or a solution, you want a way to work around BM's
viewpoint simply because you want it your way. It's give and take in a
situation like this. You cannot require the BM to acquiesce to your ways
and views simply because you believe they are "right". If you want to get
along with BM, the you should be willing to compromise. Usually that means
having to humble yourself a little and putting what views you hold and
prefer on the back burner a little.
I'm not seeking
> ridiculous notions that I'm supposed to, what, tell my kids, that "no, you
> two can call me Mom, but you two can't?" They are siblings. They are not
> at all confused about who's who. Don't discredit kids that easily.
> They're not that stupid.
Heh. This is so patronizing. I don't know what I'd do if my kid had a
step-parent with this attitude towards me.
Heather
FrustratedMom
by "heather m." <heather...@ipa.net> Sep 15, 2004 at 05:16 AM
Heather
=============================
Patronizing?
Oh, you mean, I have an opinion that you don't agree with?
Don't know what you'd do with a step parent like me? Ok, get off the
rhetorical soapbox, and offer what you'd say to a kid in that
circumstance.
It seems pretty clear that many (read, many, not all)people on this net
are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they
are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.
I still think that it would be really big of people to not think of their
kids as chattel, and that's what the whole concept of 'feelings' in
reference to how the relationship between a step parent and a child
affects Birth parents. It's too bad that people's insecurity (yes, I
still stand by that notion) won't let them accept that their spouse has
moved on, and that their children are not their's to maniupulate (don't
feel that way about her/him. don't call them that).
I'm simply promoting that the child's feeling be taking into
consideration, and many of the people challenging me on this issue seem
more concerned about the BM's feelings. Patronizing? I guess so, in that
I'd expect that adults can better rationalize their feelings than kids
should be expected to, and allow for the fact that they don't own their
kids, nor their kid's feelings.
Deborah M Riel
Wendy <we...@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:
>
>"Laura_Th" <l...@nfdc.net> wrote in message
>news:dec6d2bf7c5c3222...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
>> Thanks for getting back to me. My gut also says not to ask SS to hide info
>> from BM. The appointment was intentionally scheduled for a Fri. and we had
>> the kids for that weekend...which I thought would give DH (what does the
>> "D" stand for?)
>
>Divorced , though for some people, Dear or Darling, possubly.
Actually you're right about the Dear or Darling part, but it isn't
meant to stand for Divorced Husband. That would be Ex... Sometimes,
it stands for Dick Head if you're mad enough at him that he's close to
being an Ex.
Deb R.
jane
>=============================
>Patronizing?
>
>Oh, you mean, I have an opinion that you don't agree with?
>
>Don't know what you'd do with a step parent like me? Ok, get off the
>rhetorical soapbox, and offer what you'd say to a kid in that
>circumstance.
>
>It seems pretty clear that many (read, many, not all)people on this net
>are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they
>are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.
>
>I still think that it would be really big of people to not think of their
>kids as chattel, and that's what the whole concept of 'feelings' in
>reference to how the relationship between a step parent and a child
>affects Birth parents. It's too bad that people's insecurity (yes, I
>still stand by that notion) won't let them accept that their spouse has
>moved on, and that their children are not their's to maniupulate (don't
>feel that way about her/him. don't call them that).
>
>I'm simply promoting that the child's feeling be taking into
>consideration, and many of the people challenging me on this issue seem
>more concerned about the BM's feelings. Patronizing? I guess so, in that
>I'd expect that adults can better rationalize their feelings than kids
>should be expected to, and allow for the fact that they don't own their
>kids, nor their kid's feelings.
A fight! Four syllable words being thrown around. Things are really picking up
around here.
For the record, I came here to deal with SPing problems. I couldn't care less
if my biokid calls everyone she meets "Mom." I am SO all over considering the
kids' feelings in everything.
It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong about the title "Mother". The
fascinating thing about SPing is that you are bound to people you never
directly chose to be part of your life. In other situations you can just walk
away, divorce them, not return their calls, whatever. In SPing you have to
figure out a way to deal with this other person who's influencing your children
and your ex and your weekends and your finances.
What you appear to me to be doing is coming at this from the perspective that
BM is "wrong." Whether or not she is wrong is irrelevant. Her feelings are a
factor in your life now. You have to consider them in your decisions about the
wisest course to take in any situation.
jane
>From: "FrustratedMom" M...@nospam.net
Melissa
>are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they
>are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.
Most of us are SM's. Some of us are BM's as well. FWIW I'm an SM and not a BM
who agrees with Heather on this. I'll never for the life of me understand why
people get so hung up on titles, but the fact is they do. Knowing this, it's
easy to step back and really look at if what you're doing benefits anyone.
>It's too bad that people's insecurity (yes, I
>still stand by that notion) won't let them accept that their spouse has
>moved on,
Huh? This makes no sense. What does calling an SM Mom have to do with the end
of a marriage? You're talking about two very different things here, unless
they're tied together in your mind.
>and that their children are not their's to maniupulate (don't
>feel that way about her/him. don't call them that).
See I think you're the one being manipulative here. You're encouraging a title
that you *know* upsets BM, and why? It seems to me like you might be using
the kid to go after BM.
>I'm simply promoting that the child's feeling be taking into
>consideration, and many of the people challenging me on this issue seem
>more concerned about the BM's feelings.
No you're not. You're promoting your feelings first and formost.
rebecca
"Melissa" <laa...@aol.comNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:20040915112824...@mb-m10.aol.com...
>
> See I think you're the one being manipulative here. You're encouraging a
title
> that you *know* upsets BM, and why? It seems to me like you might be
using
> the kid to go after BM.
No, I think she said her BM doesn't care if the kids call her mom. Which is
why I'm somewhat confused about OP's vehemence about is situation she's not
in.
rebecca
Melissa
>title
>> that you *know* upsets BM, and why? It seems to me like you might be
>using
>> the kid to go after BM.
>
>No, I think she said her BM doesn't care if the kids call her mom. Which is
>why I'm somewhat confused about OP's vehemence about is situation she's not
>in.
>
>
>rebecca
>
Gah! Then I'm confused too :)
* Calinda *
>>> See I think you're the one being manipulative here. You're
>>> encouraging a
>>title
>>> that you *know* upsets BM, and why? It seems to me like you might
>>> be
>>using
>>> the kid to go after BM.
>>
>>No, I think she said her BM doesn't care if the kids call her mom.
>>Which is why I'm somewhat confused about OP's vehemence about is
>>situation she's not in.
>>
>>
>>rebecca
>>
>
> Gah! Then I'm confused too :) Love, Melissa
This is the BM/SM that feels that unless a BM is willing to have their
child/ren call the SM "Mom", that the BM is behaving as an insecure twit
which will cause mental harm upon their children.
Because she and the BM in her case feel okay with it, that anyone else is
wrong to feel otherwise.
Also, as she has stated here:
“It seems pretty clear that many (read, many, not all)people on this net
are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they
are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.”
That may be the reason for *some* though certainly not the majority of the
posters that make up the regulars of this group. Why she feels the need to
minimize the BP’s this way is beyond me, considering she is also a BM.
She has related that her DS has called the mother of her SC “Mom” a few
times and it didn’t bother her much.
What she doesn’t have is her own BioChildren dealing with a step-parent of
their own. What she doesn’t have is that torn feeling, having some person
you not only didn’t choose, but don’t like, having such a huge influence on
your children. Someone you would never in a million years ever allow to
spend a single moment of time with them if there was any choice at all
about it. Since she’s not dealt with that, I think it’s fair to say she
doesn’t really know how she’ll feel about her own children calling that
person “Mom”.
It’s like my sister, the one that never had children, telling me how best
to raise them. Until you have them, you just don’t know.
Cal~
Adrienne Winn
> No, I think she said her BM doesn't care if the kids call her mom. Which is
> why I'm somewhat confused about OP's vehemence about is situation she's not
> in.
Yeah, I went back a few posts up the thread, and FrustMom's BM seems to
be ok with it (and in fact, FM said that her bio-kids sometimes call the
BM "Mommie _______", and both FM and BM are ok with that.
Adrienne
* Calinda *
news:kJ_1d.31816$Of3....@tornado.tampabay.rr.com:
What she doesn't have is her own BioKids calling their SM "Mom". She
can't really know how she would feel, since she isn't sharing custody of
her own BK's with a Step-parent. That, I think is an important fact to
keep in mind.
Cal~
FrustratedMom
that exact situation. I also agree that I don't seem empathetic to the
"BM's" side in this issue. That's because, while I can empathize, I don't
necessarily sympathize.
That animosity that you refer to, towards SM's from BM's, at least in my
case, started entirely from the BM.
"(What she doesn’t have is that torn feeling, having some person you not
only didn’t choose, but don’t like, having such a huge influence on your
children. Someone you would never in a million years ever allow to spend
a single moment of time with them if there was any choice at all...)"
How can I say that knowingly? Because I asked my DH first if he though
that his ex would like to meet me...her terms. He wasn't comfortable with
that notion, thought she'd get hostile. So, I called her, introduced
myself. Gave my contact information. Explained that I realized that it
may be awkward for her, and that I wanted it to be on her terms. At that
point, I hadn't yet been a BM, but was willing to speculate that if I were
in her shoes, I'd want to know who my children were getting involved with,
at least in part.
Now, her negativity doesn't have a history, in say, he left her for me.
We didn't meet until three years after she left him, and two years after
their divorce.
Her response? She told me to "F%@$@% off", and hung up.
I guess DH was right.
So, I left it at that.
So, I understand how threatened some BP's feel.
Torn? Yes. Justified in childish behavior? No? Feeling guilty, jealous,
suspicious of SP's? Very understandable. But acting on it? Not always
condonable.
Having 'been' in a situation should not be the only determinant of a
person's ability to offer decent insight. Like the old expression about
if it "smells like sh**, and looks ...." I don't think one needs to have
waded through it to be able to figure it out.
======================
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "* Calinda *" <CalindaSinclairRemove@[EMAIL PROTECTED] > Sep 15, 2004
at 05:06 PM
Melissa wrote in news:20040915124211.08579.00000560@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
* Calinda *
I don't even know how to address the above. That the BM in your case
behaves like that doesn't mean that all BM's do so. You're painting all
BM's with one brush.
>
> Torn? Yes. Justified in childish behavior? No? Feeling guilty,
> jealous, suspicious of SP's? Very understandable. But acting on it?
> Not always condonable.
I totally disagree with your assessment that not wanting my child
calling their SM Mom is any of these things. That is your bias on the
situation.
> Having 'been' in a situation should not be the only determinant of a
> person's ability to offer decent insight. Like the old expression
> about if it "smells like sh**, and looks ...." I don't think one needs
> to have waded through it to be able to figure it out.
You really can't know how you will feel until your children start
calling your husbands new wife "Mommy". REGARDLESS of the situation,
whether she is someone he has an affair with or meets three years down
the line, you truly can not know.
For you to think otherwise is bullshit.
Cal~
FrustratedMom
"That animosity that you refer to, towards SM's from BM's, at least in my
case, started entirely from the BM."
Notice the word MY.
I'm not sure how you can assume that that means that I'm generalizing and
referring to all BM's? Where did I make that reference? Having said that,
and this is a rhetorical question only, how often is that an uncommon
situation, do you think (that hostility)?
I understand about you feeling that you wouldn't want your child to call
someone else Mom. I am not suggesting that it should be a laugh a minute,
or that it wouldn't be hard to take. I can't imagine anyone having an
easy time of it. What about being a parent is an easy time?
But, I'm simply talking about the original situation, in which a child
would prefer to do so. It's at that point that I would expect that the
adults put their feelings aside, and not let insecurities take over. I'm
simply advocating that children should have some say on the matter, and
that the quarreling that seems evident can't be helpful.
If the BM expresses dismay over this, and the child is made aware of that
dismay, but still insists on calling the step "Mom", how do you handle
that? Discipline? I've suggested in a previous post that it must be a
symptom of a bigger problem. That most kids would likely honor that
request. But if they don't? Would this warrant some therapy, perhaps?
Sad, but that key scenario got bowled over from people debating the
'valid' 'feelings' of BM's.
All along I was talking about the original post in which things went
beyond the child merely saying "Mom", and was embarrassed to not be able
to call her Mom.
==========================
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "* Calinda *" <CalindaSinclairRemove@[EMAIL PROTECTED] > Sep 15, 2004
at 06:16 PM
On 15 Sep 2004, you wrote in alt.support.step-parents:
> Lots of good points Calinda. I'm willing to agree that I haven't been
> in that exact situation. I also agree that I don't seem empathetic to
> the "BM's" side in this issue. That's because, while I can empathize,
> I don't necessarily sympathize.
>
> That animosity that you refer to, towards SM's from BM's, at least in
> my case, started entirely from the BM.
>
> "(What she doesn’t have is that torn feeling, having some person you
> not only didn’t choose, but don’t like, having such a huge influence
> on your children. Someone you would never in a million years ever
> allow to spend a single moment of time with them if there was any
> choice at all...)"
>
> How can I say that knowingly? Because I asked my DH first if he
> though that his ex would like to meet me...her terms. He wasn't
> comfortable with that notion, thought she'd get hostile. So, I called
> her, introduced myself. Gave my contact information. Explained that
> I realized that it may be awkward for her, and that I wanted it to be
> on her terms. At that point, I hadn't yet been a BM, but was willing
> to speculate that if I were in her shoes, I'd want to know who my
> children were getting involved with, at least in part.
>
> Now, her negativity doesn't have a history, in say, he left her for
> me. We didn't meet until three years after she left him, and two years
> after their divorce.
>
> Her response? She told me to "F%@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
The Watsons
> Now, her negativity doesn't have a history, in say, he left her for me.
> We didn't meet until three years after she left him, and two years after
> their divorce.
>
> Her response? She told me to "F%@$@% off", and hung up.
>
> I guess DH was right.
>
> So, I left it at that.
>
> So, I understand how threatened some BP's feel.
Obviously not, or you wouldn't have called her to begin with.
Can you understand that for some parents, the title "mom" or "dad" carries a
lot of emotional significance to them, and they're not willing to share that
with anyone else? That they honestly can't accept someone else trying to be
a "parent" when they're the ones that have spent all the time, energy and
effort in diapering, bathing, pacing the floor at 2am, bandaging knees,
doing ER trips over a high fever, watching first steps, grinning like idiots
over that first baby grin? That the title of "mom" or "dad" encompasses all
the work and emotional investment they've made, and someone else
wanting/allowing that title over their children is like a mortal insult?
Can you understand that for some parents, being divorced carries a fuckton
of grief that can take years to resolve, and that being contacted by the new
spouse on the scene feels like their "failure" is being thrown back in their
face and it's ripping open a scab that's barely started to heal?
Can you *get* this? Because until you *can* empathize (and on some level
sympathize), you're probably not going to get along with your husband's ex.
Jess
* Calinda *
news:f474f06f3e6cb599...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com:
>
> All along I was talking about the original post in which things went
> beyond the child merely saying "Mom", and was embarrassed to not be
> able to call her Mom.
>
Unless I am confusing posters, the OP came back and said it might've been
more an issue that the child was not embarrassed about that so much as
that the other kids weren't familiar with Step situations and the child
didn't know how to explain a Step-parent to them.
It didn't come across to me, after further explanation from the OP, that
the child had an overwhelming need to call her "Mom", he just was having
trouble explaining her relationship towards him, to his friends.
That said, your continual minimization by calling BM's who don't like
their children calling SM's "Mom" childish etc., is something I do take
issue with.
This is not something I have ever had to deal with, as it will never come
to pass that my children will ever want to call that woman 'mom'. She's
made sure of that! And before you jump to conclusions over why my
children feel that way, I will tell you that in my case it is the SM that
is hostile and childish and has been since the very day she was
introduced to my children.
That said, I completely understand those who share my feeling that I am
their mother, I have earned the right to be the only parent to be called
mother. Their father is their father and he is the only person who will
ever have that title.
Even though I think in my case, my ex sucks as a parent, I would never
take that away from him. I would not want my new spouse to be called
'Dad' by my children, simple as that.
It has nothing to do with jealousy or being childish, it is my belief
that their father is the sole owner of that title, I don't have a right
to take that away from him or dilute it in some way, anymore than anyone
has the right to take or dilute my title of "Mom" away from me. Calling
their SM "Mom" does dilute it, to me. It makes it less special.
Cal~
rebecca
"FrustratedMom" <M...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:b3076dbc99ea6b5a...@localhost.talkaboutparenting.com...
>
> suspicious of SP's? Very understandable. But acting on it? Not always
> condonable.
>
> Having 'been' in a situation should not be the only determinant of a
> person's ability to offer decent insight. Like the old expression about
> if it "smells like sh**, and looks ...." I don't think one needs to have
> waded through it to be able to figure it out.
>
Exactly. You are theorizing about a birthparent issue. And theories are
super good, mine are always smack on right too. Then I find myself actually
_in_ the situation and realize it isn't what I thought it was going to be.
Your first paragraph up there is right on, too. But - here's the stepparent
thing - when you are in the situation, theories don't mean shit. Whether or
not the birthparent is justified in whatever feelings/actions they are
having is *completely* and *absolutely* irrelevant. You as the stepparent
have to deal with them, are affected by them.
So back to the original issue. Say your BM did object to your skids calling
you 'mom'. By your theory, you should get to do whatever the heck you want,
because BM's just being insecure. So you tell the skids calling you mom is
fine. Then the skids are smack dab in the middle. Do I go with what mom
wants or with what stepmom wants? What if your skids' mom yells at them
when they call you mom? What if she punishes them? What if she cries and
goes running to her room every time? It is within your power to make this
decision and resolve it for them - by coming up with something else to call
you. Not only that - but you can also make them feel good about their mom,
or make them feel badly about their mom.
So what do you do? Are you _really_ going to explain to the woman's kids
that mommy's just being immature, and they should do whatever they want
anyway? Are you going to tell them to lie to her, call you mom, just not in
front of her?
rebecca
Deborah M Riel
* Calinda * <CalindaSin...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>That said, I completely understand those who share my feeling that I am
>their mother, I have earned the right to be the only parent to be called
>mother. Their father is their father and he is the only person who will
>ever have that title.
>
>Even though I think in my case, my ex sucks as a parent, I would never
>take that away from him. I would not want my new spouse to be called
>'Dad' by my children, simple as that.
>
>It has nothing to do with jealousy or being childish, it is my belief
>that their father is the sole owner of that title, I don't have a right
>to take that away from him or dilute it in some way, anymore than anyone
>has the right to take or dilute my title of "Mom" away from me. Calling
>their SM "Mom" does dilute it, to me. It makes it less special.
>
>
>Cal~
Cal, I understand and share the feeling that I'd really dislike it if
my son started calling his SM "mom", and I don't even dislike her. I
barely know her, but she seems nice enough. I'd just hate her to be
"mom" after all the heart and soul I've poured into this parenting gig
for nearly 18 years now. It's *my* relationship to have with my son.
It's a moot point since my son will never call her mom, and for that
matter, he doesn't call me mom, either. I've always been on a first
name basis with him. But, to him and to me, I'm still mom, and his
dad's wife is not.
However, just out of curiousity, would you feel the same way if your son or
daughter got married and called their new inlaws "mom" and "dad?"
Deb R.
Tracey
Deborah M Riel wrote:
> However, just out of curiousity, would you feel the same way if your son or
> daughter got married and called their new inlaws "mom" and "dad?"
You didn't ask me, but, yeah, I would. My first in-laws told me I could
call them Mom and Dad. I politely (or I hope it was politely. They
seemed to still like me well enough after that :P) declined and said I
would be much more comfortable with their first names, if that was okay.
And, for the record, yeah, my mother would have been deeply hurt, IMO.
Tracey
* Calinda *
> However, just out of curiousity, would you feel the same way if your
> son or daughter got married and called their new inlaws "mom" and
> "dad?"
>
> Deb R.
Good question! I don't know. My in-laws called their own in-laws by
'Mr. and Mrs.' right up until they died in their eighties and nineties,
so I knew my calling them Mom and Dad wasn't going to cut it. I did end
up calling them by their first names after hemming and hawing for close
to two years.
My ex never called my parents Mom and Dad either, he actually never
called my parents anything that I recall. I am trying to remember how he
managed that for 22 years, but he did somehow. It's not that my parents
didn't want him to, but he never felt comfortable with that
The thing is, the 'in-law' issue is such a different situation entirely,
the emotional issues of that are far different to me.
As an example- Some of my children's friends, whom I've watched grow up
over the last six or so years call me their "Other mother", and that's
always pleased me. But, it was different, the emotions were different,
the situation was different. And I can tell you right now, if I thought
any of their moms felt hurt or slighted, even just a twinge, I'd have
suggested they call me something else willingly and gladly.
My best guess is, no I wouldn't have a problem with that. What I'm
using for a barometer is my son's former long term girlfriend's mother.
If he had ever married the GF, I would not have had a problem with her
being called Mom by my son. This would've been after I killed the both
of them, of course ;-P
But as I said, it's totally different. He's no longer a child and I
dunno.. it's just different.
Cal~
FrustratedMom
I have never told my kids that their calling me Mom is fine. I said in an
earlier post, my first I believe, that I didn't correct, encourage,
admonish, when they called me that. Nor do they always call me Mom. The
younger one does, about 50% of the time. My SD much less, maybe 10%.
Most of the time it's by first name. Most of the time that they do call
me Mom, in fact, it might be all of the time now that I think of it, is in
the context that the younger two BK's happened to just address me.
Next, I will always protect my kids. Always have. If their mother ever
gave them grief about this issue, as she routinely does about something
(get this, lately she's been complaining that I'm not giving her enough
'child support'. That's what she calls the money that I send to pay for
stuff like school supplies, etc...$300 a month. It's not technically even
child support. It's money that I started sending to her two years ago,
when she started telling the kids that they were going to lose their
house, and that they couldn't have this or that, as a result.) I don't
like secrecy, but my DH doesn't even know about this...he pays "real"
child support of $918 a month). (Back to the grief that she gives the
kids, my SD told me last weekend that she better not plan on going to
college, because her Dad is spending that money on himself and his wife).
Oh, and that the haircut that I got for her made her look like a 'geek'.
Also told her last year that she'd still look stupid after orthodontia.
(I may be accussed of not being objective about this or any other issue,
but believe me, she's totally beautiful, inside AND out). So, as far as
the BM giving the kids a hassle, sadly, they're used to that. But in all
the years they've occassionally called me Mom, they've never told me about
that being a problem.
Like I've said before, one of the only instances that my husband's ex and
I have agreed on is not making an issue one way or the other about the
word "Mom". I don't want to draw attention to something that the kids
could use as a tool, if they realized how powerful it can be.
Oh, and my SD started two years ago telling me and her father and teachers
that she hates her mother. I have taken her to counselling, and have set
up a psychologist that will meet her at the school if she feels the need.
I do not know what has ever transpired in those sessions. I could know,
as my husband has that right. But when I set up those sessions, it was
with the intent and understanding that SD needed a totally safe, unbiased,
outsider to talk to. Confidential. All I know is that she seems to be
better, and the counsellor recommended months ago that she would no longer
need regular sessions.
So, I'm a little sensitive to the notion that kids should be told not to
call me Mom. They can call me whatever they like. I'm going the distance
for them. On all issues. They've been hurt way too many times. And if
that ever meant having to have some sort of showdown with their mother,
you bet I would. In court.
==========================
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> Sep 15, 2004 at 07:20 PM
FrustratedMom
==========================
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> Sep 15, 2004 at 07:20 PM
"FrustratedMom" <M...@nospam.net> wrote in message
Wendy
> Don't know what you'd do with a step parent like me? Ok, get off the
> rhetorical soapbox, and offer what you'd say to a kid in that
> circumstance.
I'd probably talk to the child about feelings and respect for other people's
feelings. If you help the child to understand his or her BM's feelings, it
doesn't mean that you aren't giving consideration to the child's feelings,
just helping them understand other perspectives than just their own.
Life is all about trying to learn, understand and find balance between
your own feelings and needs and those of other's and the world around
you.
Personally, my daughter's friends have called me Mum and my daughter's
have used that name for their friend's mothers. I don't think there is any
doubt that they know who their mother is. It doesn't upset me, but
if it upset the mothers of my daughter's friends, then I'd probably have
a similar conversation.
Wendy
rebecca
> Way off base.
Okay, well, I wasn't suggesting you were doing anything wrong, I was
_asking_ you what you would do if confronted with the issue. And you
answered me right here:
>
> Next, I will always protect my kids. Always have. If their mother ever
>
> So, I'm a little sensitive to the notion that kids should be told not to
> call me Mom. They can call me whatever they like. I'm going the distance
> for them. On all issues. They've been hurt way too many times. And if
> that ever meant having to have some sort of showdown with their mother,
> you bet I would. In court.
So, by what your saying, whether a stepparent believes it's okay or not, if
the birthparent is willing to screw up the kid over it, the right thing for
the stepparent to do is let it go.
rebecca
Wendy
> Now, her negativity doesn't have a history, in say, he left her for me.
> We didn't meet until three years after she left him, and two years after
> their divorce.
>
> Her response? She told me to "F%@$@% off", and hung up.
You are still making assumptions about why she responded in that way,
though.
There could be lots of different emotions which would explain her reaction.
I know that my ex and I made the right choice to separate, but seeing him in
another relationship was an emotional experience, even though I'd chosen to
end my relationship as a marital partner with him. I, personally, would be
a bit
thrown if one of ex's girlfriends suddenly called and introduced herself in
such
a way, because I'd kind of expect my ex to take the lead and decide for
himself
what was appropriate and what not. (Although you have to also bear in mind
that
I've invited my ex's girlfriends to spend Christmas with us. I wouldn't
dream of
calling and inviting her personally, as that would be overstepping
boundaries.)
> Having 'been' in a situation should not be the only determinant of a
> person's ability to offer decent insight. Like the old expression about
> if it "smells like sh**, and looks ...." I don't think one needs to have
> waded through it to be able to figure it out.
Sure, everyone brings their own experiences to the table, but the ones who
stay on and eat and enjoy polite conversation are generally ones who are
able to
see that their own experiences aren't the only valid ones.
Wendy
FrustratedMom
Excuse me?
I can't believe that you'd not understand what I said here:
"On all issues. They've been hurt way too many times. And if that ever
meant having to have some sort of showdown with their mother, you bet I
would. In court."
That hardly seems like just "letting it go".
And while we're on the subject of comparing apples to roadapples, why are
you concerned about trying to imagine various scenarios that haven't
happened in my life, and seem unlikely to?
=========
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> Sep 15, 2004 at 09:14 PM
Vicki Robinson
>Let it go?
>
>Excuse me?
>
>I can't believe that you'd not understand what I said here:
>
>"On all issues. They've been hurt way too many times. And if that ever
>meant having to have some sort of showdown with their mother, you bet I
>would. In court."
>
>That hardly seems like just "letting it go".
I think I see what she means, though.
You said that they've been hurt too many times. Rebecca interpreted
that to mean "If the bioparent is willing to hurt the child over an
issue, I will let it go because they've been hurt too many times. I
don't want them to hurt anymore, so if the bioparent will hurt them
unless she gets her way, then I'll have to give it to her."
But I have to agree that that doesn't square with going to court,
which is inevitably damaging to the kids.
Vicki
--
Power may be justly compared to a great river; while kept within its
bounds it is both beautiful and useful, but when it overflows its banks,
it is then too impetuous to be stemmed; it bears down all before it,
and brings destruction and desolation wherever it goes." -- Alexander Hamilton.
rebecca
> Let it go?
>
> Excuse me?
>
> I can't believe that you'd not understand what I said here:
>
> "On all issues. They've been hurt way too many times. And if that ever
> meant having to have some sort of showdown with their mother, you bet I
> would. In court."
>
> That hardly seems like just "letting it go".
>
> And while we're on the subject of comparing apples to roadapples, why are
> you concerned about trying to imagine various scenarios that haven't
> happened in my life, and seem unlikely to?
>
Okay, we're talking at cross-purposes here. You've already said that your
BM doesn't care what the kids call you. So the whole conversation is
theoretical. I don't know you, except what you've posted. You seem okay to
me, although this topic is *clearly* pushing a gigantic emotional button for
you. I don't care what your stepkids call you. It seems from what you
write that you're very concerned that people recognize and acknowledge the
lengths to which you go for the kids. Kudos to you, really. Not every step
can/will/wants to do that.
As Vicki said, I interpreted your "the kids have been hurt enough" to mean
that if BM was a skank who would punish her children for calling you mom,
that you would let it go.
And while I generally try to discourage folks from court actions, I do
understand and believe that sometimes, you have to do it. I don't hold it
against anyone who has taken the time to think through what it's going to do
to the kids.
Can we play nicely now?
rebecca
jane
>daughter got married and called their new inlaws "mom" and "dad?"
>
>Deb R.
Thank you. I never got this "mom" thing really before now. I just forbid
Lee to ever call her ILs "mom" or "dad," even if I'm dead.
jane
Adrienne Winn
> What she doesn't have is her own BioKids calling their SM "Mom". She
> can't really know how she would feel, since she isn't sharing custody of
> her own BK's with a Step-parent. That, I think is an important fact to
> keep in mind.
You're absolutely right. That would probably make a difference.
Though I was more addressing Melissa's point by backing up Rebecca's
read of the situation.
A
FrustratedMom
============================
Re: Mom vs Stepmom
by "rebecca" <justre...@yahoo.com> Sep 16, 2004 at 02:01 AM
heather m.
"jane" <janel...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040915103253...@mb-m05.aol.com...
>
> >=============================
> >Patronizing?
> >
> >Oh, you mean, I have an opinion that you don't agree with?
> >
> >Don't know what you'd do with a step parent like me? Ok, get off the
> >rhetorical soapbox, and offer what you'd say to a kid in that
> >circumstance.
> >
> >are here because of concerns they have not as step parents, but that they
> >are concerned about step parents. That was my mistake in judgement.
> >
> >kids as chattel, and that's what the whole concept of 'feelings' in
> >reference to how the relationship between a step parent and a child
> >affects Birth parents. It's too bad that people's insecurity (yes, I
> >still stand by that notion) won't let them accept that their spouse has
> >moved on, and that their children are not their's to maniupulate (don't
> >feel that way about her/him. don't call them that).
> >
> >I'm simply promoting that the child's feeling be taking into
> >consideration, and many of the people challenging me on this issue seem
> >more concerned about the BM's feelings. Patronizing? I guess so, in
that
> >I'd expect that adults can better rationalize their feelings than kids
> >should be expected to, and allow for the fact that they don't own their
> >kids, nor their kid's feelings.
>
> A fight! Four syllable words being thrown around. Things are really
picking up
> around here.
>
> For the record, I came here to deal with SPing problems. I couldn't care
less
> if my biokid calls everyone she meets "Mom." I am SO all over considering
the
> kids' feelings in everything.
>
> It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong about the title "Mother".
The
> fascinating thing about SPing is that you are bound to people you never
> directly chose to be part of your life. In other situations you can just
walk
> away, divorce them, not return their calls, whatever. In SPing you have
to
> figure out a way to deal with this other person who's influencing your
children
> and your ex and your weekends and your finances.
>
> What you appear to me to be doing is coming at this from the perspective
that
> BM is "wrong." Whether or not she is wrong is irrelevant. Her feelings
are a
> factor in your life now. You have to consider them in your decisions
about the
> wisest course to take in any situation.
And there lies the nail hitting the head. Thanks Jane. You say it best all
the time.
Heather
heather m.
and soul and tears into his upbringing. It would bother me if a woman I
didn't choose was brought into my son's life at a young age and was doing
all of those things and didn't discourage my son from calling her "mom".
I'd do cartwheels if my son actually got to have a step like that, but if
she did it with an "I do it better than you" attitude and
passive-aggressively didn't discourage my son from calling her "mom" then I
wouldnt' care for her much at all.
Heather
"Deborah M Riel" <dr...@wpi.edu> wrote in message
news:cia591$bvq$1...@bigboote.WPI.EDU...
heather m.
"The Watsons" <warped...@dcrc.net> wrote in message
news:Ao02d.159878$4o.96134@fed1read01...
> Can you *get* this? Because until you *can* empathize (and on some level
> sympathize), you're probably not going to get along with your husband's
ex.
>
> Jess
>
It's funny. Some people don't want to get along. They want to fix the
"problem". The problem is that they are RIGHT and the other person is
WRONG. Whoever mentioned actually trying to get along with the other
person? It's this kind of self-righteousness that makes me want to laugh.
Heather
And I can't see baby pics unless I have a LINK you know. *nudge nudge*
The Watsons
"heather m." <heather...@ipa.net> wrote in message
news:K9h2d.1763$0i5....@newsread3.news.pas.earthlink.net...
> It's funny. Some people don't want to get along. They want to fix the
> "problem". The problem is that they are RIGHT and the other person is
> WRONG. Whoever mentioned actually trying to get along with the other
> person? It's this kind of self-righteousness that makes me want to laugh.
I guess I'm naive, but who wants to deliberately make life harder than it
has to be?
> And I can't see baby pics unless I have a LINK you know. *nudge nudge*
The same as it's always been, chica :p
But since I love ya so much, here's a direct link. :D
http://www.dcrc.net/www/DCRC/OddsandEnds/AtHome2.htm
Jess
Kathy Cole
wrote:
> But, I'm simply talking about the original situation, in which a child
> would prefer to do so. It's at that point that I would expect that the
> adults put their feelings aside, and not let insecurities take over.
What if it's not insecurities prompting discomfort with using the mom or
dad title on someone other than the mom or dad?
Kathy Cole
<warped...@dcrc.net> wrote:
> "heather m." <heather...@ipa.net> wrote in message
> news:K9h2d.1763$0i5....@newsread3.news.pas.earthlink.net...
> > It's funny. Some people don't want to get along. They want to fix the
> > "problem". The problem is that they are RIGHT and the other person is
> > WRONG. Whoever mentioned actually trying to get along with the other
> > person? It's this kind of self-righteousness that makes me want to laugh.
>
> I guess I'm naive, but who wants to deliberately make life harder than it
> has to be?
People who fight because they're right, damn it, and the other person is
wrong are less likely to take the step back and look at the situation
realistically/pragmatically. Those people will fight because that's
what you do when you're just right, and to them it is irrelevant or
immaterial that they are contributing to the stress and strain
(basically, it's all the other person's fault).
> http://www.dcrc.net/www/DCRC/OddsandEnds/AtHome2.htm
Oh, my. Very cute.
* Calinda *
That is one of the reasons I 'gave in' on the whole phone/cell phone
issue for my kids. I *was* right, he didn't have the right to prevent me
from calling my children; it was right there in black and white in our
agreement that I had a right to call them when they were in his custody.
And calling one time, in the course of how many months is not by any
stretch of the imagination excessive.
My reasons for not going to court on that issue was that, though I was
right and he was more than wrong, it would have escalated things between
us. I have had regrets now and then about not going to court, as I felt
and sometimes still feel that because I gave in on that point, he kept
trying to push me further and further. It empowered him, to some degree
to overstep his bounds where I'm concerned. But my reasons for doing
what I did were valid reasons. Though I was right, forcing that issue
would've made a bad situation worse.
Cal~