How I was cured of my social phobia
Richard James
I'm not going to explain how you can be cured of social phobia. I am not
going to try to sell you on any specific plan. I just wanted to share my
experience in the hope that you might see there are people who do have
social phobia and then get better.
If you want to read how I was cured skip down near the bottom.
My Story
When I was young, I am not sure how young (maybe around 10years) I changed.
I started to feel different. I got easily upset by people and I carried
around hurts for much longer than would be considered normal. Although I
had no obvious signs of illness I knew by the second last year of High
School that something was up, back then I thought I had schizophrenia.
When I finished High School I went on to University. In my second year of
University I was struck with terrible depression. I tried to commit suicide
over a girl. I had suicidal thoughts every few days. I did see a GP and
went on anti-depressants but things did not get better. I had trouble
finishing my University degree I was no longer interested in doing it. At
the end of my third year I had dropped to doing half the subjects and had a
failure rate of 50% but in some subjects I would get A's. I quit my course.
After Uni I tried various jobs but I kept having trouble. Eventually one
year I booked in to see a Psychiatrist. I had one job in Brisbane in a
nursing home, I commuted there every week. I remember having the worst
nightmares every night. One day at work I had a fight with a Nurse the next
day I quit. After that my Psychiatrist appointment came up and I was able
to see someone at last.
At first I would not talk to him, I would sit in his office and stare at the
carpet or whatever I found interesting. I was given some different
anti-depressants which helped with my depression but not a lot. Eventually
I started reading about different mental illnesses and I saw that a lot of
the similarities between me and other people with the illness. I tried to
convince my Psychiatrist that I was social phobic but he said he did not
believe in labelling people with illnesses (I understood later why that was
right when I see people stigmatized because people say they have
schizophrenia or people who are totally lost because a Doctor diagnosed
them wrong and they think they have illness X when they might have
something else). I began talking to people on this newsgroup and tried to
understand how to get better. My primary symptoms were:
* Depression (with nightmares and suicidal thoughts)
* Fear of authority
* Fear of talking to people
* Fear of confrontation
* Worrying about what people thought of me
* Some weird thing were I could never finish off any project I started
I tried different drugs (more anti-depressants and Clonazepam) I discovered
CBT and read through the yellow book "Feeling Good". I went to a University
clinic and was shown how to do CBT. I hated it because it made me feel so
awkward because I had to go out and run experiments. I put up with that for
about a year but then they closed the clinic. I tried meditation,
relaxation, hypnosis, NLP. Nothing worked.
Eventually I got really tired of it all but most of all I was disappointed
with the weird thing about not finishing projects. I had always enjoyed
computer programming but after Uni I could never finish any of my programs
off. So I decided to try the easy way and do a TAFE course (Technical And
Further Education, Tertiary Education at a level lower than University). I
did that in 2002-2003. In 2003 just as I was completing my course I did
something silly I got married. Not that getting married was silly but I did
it at the wrong time. The preparations for marriage took up precious time
for my course, and my experiment to find out why I kept on stopping
programming was ruined because I can't tell if I failed because of lack of
time or because of some reason inside my head.
The beginning of the end
My marriage was ok, I had a job fixing computers for my parents business. We
eventually had a child and I became more depressed we were constantly
moving house (rental). During 2004 my parents business had a downturn and I
lost my job. I had to go on the Disability Support Pension to support my
family. I hated all the Centerlink interviews. In 2006 my parents bought a
house for me to live in, they borrowed against their house. Also in 2006
two of my friends died, one killed herself (she had schizophrenia) the
other died from Leukemia, the later hit me badly. At the beginning of 2007
things got much much worse for me. I started getting suicidal thoughts
daily and then multiple times a day. I retreated from my family by reading
books. I had no friends by then left to retreat from. I was depressed and
did nothing every day but complain. I also slept a lot.
My cure
Because of the seriousness of my depression at the time my wife asked to see
my Psychiatrist, I did not like that because I thought he would disapprove
of it. When we did see him we talked about what was going on and he said
lets try a new drug to see if that could pep me up so i would not be so
sleepy. The drug was Lexapro Escitalopram (I had already been on a SSRI
before Prozac). I started taking this in June 2007. I was still on 30mg
Avanza pd and 2mg Clonazepam. I was dropped to 15mg Avanza. And given 10mg
Lexapro to take in the morning.
What happened
After about six weeks on the new medication my wife told me one day to shut
up. That was the first time I noticed the change. Then things began to get
clearer depression wise. I began to do things, at first I was almost manic
getting up before sunrise (before I would get up after 11) but eventually
that calmed down. I discovered that I wanted to do things and not waste my
life any more. I reenrolled in my TAFE course, I actually filled out
paperwork without needing any assistance. I could talk to people and not
worry about what they thought of me. I overdid it a bit at first. I
discovered that even though I no longer thought with a depressed and scared
mind it would take time to recover. I still noticed some aspects of social
phobia from time to time. My depression has completely gone. I can ring
people up on the phone or email them. I can talk to people in public. I am
no longer afraid of what people think of me (or more precisely what I
thought they thought of me). I noticed that my behavior had completely
changed, before I did things so that people would not take offense at what
I did. Now I can do what I want.
I even did little experiments. Once I drove cars at a speed that felt that
offended no-one especially the police. However if someone behind me wanted
to speed I felt that I had to as well even though I was afraid of the
police. My driving record was marred by only one thing, cutting a corner.
So I found a place were I could drive fast safely and even though there was
no other car behind me I sped. I was not afraid of the police, I was not
afraid of what anyone thought. I was worried about getting a large fine but
that is not unusual.
Now approximately 6 months later my symptoms are almost non-existant. I
finished my first semester of TAFE very easily, exams and major assignments
were still stressful. I have begun programming again. I am free.
I know that I will probably have to take the medication for the rest of my
life but that is nothing.
I don't think that if you all took Lexapro you too would be cured because
every one is different. I'm not even sure that drugs are the cure for
everyone but they might be for some. I now know that my depression and
social phobia were directly linked to chemical imbalances in the brain. No
matter how much CBT or other therapies I could have tried it would have
done very little to change my situation for me a specific medication
helped.
I just wanted to share this so that people can realize that social phobia
and depression can be overcome. I wish you all a merry Christmas and a much
happier new year.
Richard James