ENDLESS WORRYING???!!!

Everyday, I sit here thinking about going to my next martial arts
class...should I go/or, not? Will they like me.../or, will they hate
me?!

And, these questions are furthermore compounded by the fact that there
can sometimes be more than 1 possible class to go to...as other classes
tend to be on at the very same time; but, maybe, are located
elsewhere???

My martial arts classes are, usually, in the evenings...time now is
3:08 PM...and, I been sitting here thinking about this from ever since
morning.

I already signed up at Morley College to do Iaido(weapons)/but, then, I
changed my mind and decided to go do Tai Chi(empty hands), instead.
Only I went and missed both classes last week...; and, indeed, haven't
turned up for Iaido classes atall this term(missed 3 weeks)!

Whenever I miss a class it all adds up to me feeling even more
stress/anxiety...; because, then, I'm thinking the teacher is going to
look down on me, now...; simply, because I don't turn up, regularly...;
which, basically, is like totally wasting their highly precious time!
Consequently, I tend to feel extremely embarassed about returning to a
class where I've gone and missed too many weeks in a row of. As I both
detest and fear the whole idea of having to get into a verbal
confrontation with the teacher. My usual avoidance method therefore is
not to go back there anymore.

And, as to classes which I went and signed up/paid for...and, yet still
have never ever been...; then, I feel both guilty and ashamed because
somebody else could have taken that place, instead. As well as, being
unemployed...I've just gone and thrown all of my hard to come by money
right down the drain!

I did go to Iaido classes around 2 terms back(12 weeks per term)...;
and, got along with the teacher really very well, indeed...which makes
me feel even far worse...because, then, it feels like I've totally gone
and betrayed him...by first letting him teach me...then, totally
ignoring him completely!

So much anxiety, so much stress...worrying like crazy long 'before' the
event.

Then, there's more worrying 'during'...will we have
arguments/fights/will we fall out during the class...what if I
accidentally bump into somebody/or, step on someones toe/what if I get
a bad word or look/-etc.?

Then, this process all leads on to doing even more endless
worrying/suffering more guilt/shame feelings, 'afterwards'...; I went
to that class...; but, what about the other class which was on at the
same time...I went and missed it!

And, I think all about the class I went to...did I do anything
wrong...did I fall out with anyone possibly? How the hell am I going to
correct it? Basically, the worrying never ever stops! I worry all the
time about going to the next lesson. And, sometimes, I get there late
-far too late to be able to join in- all because I just sat there doing
this absolutely endless worrying...!

Tonight, it's either Tai Chi/or, Iaido...and, I really don't know
which...not until when the very last minute comes??? Then, again, I
could try doing something else altogeather different such as Karate?
ARGH! When you want to do everything and more...; then, I find it's
totally impossible to make your mind up, finally...?!

That's why I keep on wondering from style to style/from class to
class...; and, basically, end up getting nowhere. I started off as
being a total 'white belt' beginner...; and, now, it's 20+ years
later...; and, guess what? Yes, I'm still a 'white belt' total
beginner! The expert 'black belt' level remains for me a total
dream...; indeed, just sticking around to get to acheive the next rank
up -(a coloured belt in between white/black)- seems to me far too
tough!

Is it 'impatience' that's my big problem here...why I can never ever
seem to stick with anything(I've already gone and dropped out of
college 4 times).../or, is it just having to deal with far too many
distractions(wanting to do absolutely everything at once)/maybe, I got
ADD-Attention Deficit Disorder(mind can never keep still/constantly,
wondering off from being able to focus, properly)?!

Sunday 16th October 2005 - 3PM-5PM

Went to Shaolin Kung Fu lesson in Streatham leisure centre. My 1st time
being here in this place; and, working out under this instructor, Sifu
(teacher) Kwame Cort.

Straight away, as soon as I walked in there, I realised this was going
to be an odd class for me. The odd thing about it was that all of the
students there were half my age of 42.../or, even less, many looked
like they were just merely teenagers. I really wondered about my own
ability to be able to keep up with them?

The style was very highly vigorous...; with complex moves...; including
acrobatic jumps. I can think of, at least, one of the 360 degree jump
moves that I basically gave up on even trying to do! I just didn't even
bother. As given my current level of fitness ability I knew it couldn't
be done.

Anyway, I managed to stay right through the class from start to finish.
And, at the end of the class...when I asked the instructor 'how did I
do?' He answered me quite encouragingly, 'your fitness level isn't too
bad...; so, pretty soon you will doing it just like all the rest of
us.'

When you don't have high self-esteem...then, one tends to see the
negative side of everything...and, this includes reading compliments.
Basically, I took the instructors comments to mean...that I was NOT
doing it like all the rest of them!

Anyway, I admit it was REALLY tough...; the keeping up with people who
are half your age...; so, yes, I did have to strain a bit.
Nevertheless, I'm glad I did prove to myself that I can work out with
people who are half my age, and, still survive.

The other thing that worried me...was at the end we were meant to do
some sparring...and, I fear, I may have acted far too agressive...out
of sheer eagerness to prove myself a worthy enough opponent. Meaning my
movements were not smooth/nor, controlled...as quite honestly I didn't
really know what the hell I was doing...therefore, I just went for it
all out! And, I hope that my sparring partner wasn't too deeply
offended. I did talk to him at the end of the class...; but, he said
everything was ok.
================================================================
At the end of the class the instructor gave me a stapled togeather 4
page leaflet(explaining more about the style/school):-

Style: I Chi Chun, 18 Golden Classics School of Shaolin Kung Fu:-

CRANE,DRAGON,SNAKE,DRUNKEN,EAGLE,TWO DIMENSION,TIGER,MAGIC
BOOK,SPIDER,IRON BRIDGE,MANTIS,CHI
CHUN,MONKEY,CANTON,PANTHER,BUDDHA,BUTTERFLY,DAMHA

The school motto:-

NO PAIN NO STRAIN NO GAIN
MY HEART A PALACE A THING OF BEAUTY AND PEACE
MY MIND A FORTRESS, TO PROTECT AND DEFEND WITH THOUGHTS AND IDEAS AS
ARROWS
MY BODY A TEMPLE A PLACE OF WORSHIP WHICH MUST NEVER BE DEFILED BY LACK
OF TRAINING OR FOREIGN SUBSTANCE

Tenants of the school:-

PURITY,CLEANLINESS,PEACEFULNESS,HARMONY,PATIENCE,UNSELFISHNESS,HONESTY,MODE STY,BALANCE,POWER,SPEED,ACCURACY,OBEDIENCE,JUDGEMENT

================================================================
Frankly, I really don't know if I will ever return back to this same
class ever again? With most of the hard classes I go to...I never
return...and, this class certainly wasn't easy.

Cost: £5.00.

Monday 17th October 2005 - 6:30PM to 9PM

Style: Aikido - Location: Camberwell Green - Sensei(Teacher): Ingrid
Kohler

As usual, the class went ok(this must be my 3rd week there now). Aikido
practice is 'soft'...so, you do not actually get hit or hurt.../also,
both the warm up-warm down exercises are gentle, too...; therefore, I
often feel extremely 'safe' when going along to take part in Aikido
classes.

But, I'm afraid that I'm still suffering from a slight cold which
hasn't quite fully cleared up, yet. Therefore, I found myself most
embarassingly sniffling all throughout the entire class. I don't think
many partners wanted to work out with me and my cold. And, due to this
particular reason, I really couldn't wait for the class to all over and
done with.

One good thing about going there was...I'd gone and left my coat
without even realising it?! So, when the teacher said at the end that
somebody had left their coat behind...; I immediately stuck my hand up
to claim that it was mine...; then, she said, I could get it back
afterwards(which, of course, I did-and, with nothing missing from the
pockets)./;-)

Another thing I was thinking is...after having gone to so many martial
arts lessons...-though, I admit not regularly-...I still feel my
self-defence skills/as well as, my self-confidence have not improved
even one single bit...; in other words, I'm still stuck at the 'total
complete beginners' level.

That thought, alone...; sometimes, makes me want to quit! As after all,
what is the point in pursuing a goal if it's just seems to be getting
me nowhere?!

However, I must learn to exercise patience...and, just continue to
stick with it...for as long as I possibly can...maybe, one day I will
eventually feel self-confidence.../and, have faith that I can defend
myself effectively should I ever get physically attacked...; but,
certainly, NOT today!

Hi K,

I'm very deeply impressed when you say you managed to go along to TKD
classes...; and, stick with it for as long as be able to gain Blue
Belt.

(I remember going along to, at least, 2 TKD classes, before...; that is
2 lessons at 2 different clubs...; and, after taking 1 lesson at each
club...I never ever went back there!)

Because, I know just how damn difficult that is for somebody who
suffers from SP...constant worry of just getting to classes/then,
staying there/then, having to go back again.

As to myself, I'm really not too sure I will ever be able to gain the
next belt up...; because I suffer from ADD/Attention Deficit
Disorder...; which means my attention and focus is constantly wondering
away from one thing to the next...; including from one style to another
style.../and, from one club to the next club...; therefore, I never
stayed long enough in one place to be able to get to the next belt up,
yet?! But, who knows, maybe one day I'm always both praying and
hoping...???

Bye
-P

PS: I know exactly what you mean about illnesses...; to practice
martial arts you need to be fit...; and, many times, I didn't go to
class simply because I didn't feel fit(either mentally/physically)...;
a cold/a sprain or strain injury(back/neck)/knees(arthritis) or
feet(achilles tendonitis) playing up/an ulcer attack(stomach)/-etc. As
a matter of fact, I'd say at least 1 quarter to around half of the
classes which I didn't go to was simply because I either felt ill/or
else, had suffered some stain.

Other times, I didn't go because I was feeling depressed...; depression
makes me just want to stay in and completely give up even before I ever
got started!

One other thing that stops me going is 'fear'...; the fear of being
publically beaten up through getting involved in sparring practice(a
case of jumping straight into the deep blue sea in order to learn to
swim...; you will either swim/or, sink?!).../if I don't feel physically
'strong' enough(especially, in the stomach area), and, I know that the
lesson will involve sparring...; then, I don't go!

So, lots of hurdles to climb...; but, when I genuinely like something,
then, I never give up on learning it totally...; and, though, I will
often stop and start...-(never yet stuck with learning anything
straight from start to finish, all in one go?!)-; or, even switch
clubs/instructors, eternally, again and again...; nevertheless, I will
keep on going at it for as long as my enthusiasm lasts. So far to date
my strong enthusiasm still remains./;-)

Hi K,

If you can't find a TKD club inside of your own area. Then, perhaps,
you could try finding a club with a -(slightly)- different style,
instead. Such as find maybe a different style of Karate(Shotokan/or,
Kyokushinkai/Kempo/or, even, Tang Soo Do/-etc.).

Come to think of it...Kick Boxing...uses both hands/feet to strike
with...but, it's more Western Boxing style based.

Personally, I believe there is at least one martial arts style that is
geared to suit just about anybody and everybody...whatever
age/build/shape/sex/fitness level/-etc.; only if you don't search for
it...; then, of course you will never ever find it?!

For example, some styles are 'soft'...with no hitting...just work out
solo on air.

And, other styles are 'hard'...loads of sparring/hitting/or, even
breaking boards/bricks.

There are sport styles which have loads of competition to discover
who's best/and, to win trophies.

And, there are styles which are more internal...that aren't interested
in being competitive, atall...in these styles the only opponent is the
self...and, therefore, the aim is purely to acheive self-conquest,
alone. These styles tend to have much more emphasis on 'meditation'
practice for mental self-control/as well as, aiming to gain physical
self-control.

There are styles that use mainly hands...so, if your feet aren't
particularly strong or supple to do high kicks...you could choose a
style that doesn't involve kicking(eg. Aikido). And, there are high
kicking styles such as TKD./-Etc.

And, if you don't like 'hitting', atall. Then, there are throwing
styles such as Judo.

But, if you wish to mix both hitting and throwing...then, why not try
Ju Jitsu/BJJ.

Some styles are very acrobatic...Ninjitsu/Capoeira(dance).

Then, again, 'empty hands' might not grab you. So, why not try
weapons...blunt(stick)/sharp(sword/knife)/loose(nunchaku/whip)/esoteric(fan )/-etc.

And, if you wish to throw out 'fighting', altogeather. You could try
doing Chi Gung(deep breathing/and, positive thinking meditation/either
still, or, very slow gentle movements done on the spot).

To me, martial arts is mainly a way to keep fit, and, have fun. So,
according to whatever mood I'm in...; I will tend to gravitate towards
practing either this or that style.

Though, I think, to fully master any style...; then, it may take an
entire lifetime. But, the vast majority of martial arts practicioners
are not masters/nor are they aiming to become masters, neither...;
instead, they do it purely as a pastime hobby which they 'enjoy'...;
that also offers them some self-defence and self-confidence benefits
being thrown in merely as a side-effect.

Then, again, there are some people who do it entirely just to socialize
for a little bit. I personally must confess that if I didn't have
martial arts lessons to look forwards to going to in my life...; then,
most probably, I wouldn't be socializing with absolutely anybody
atall?!

Bye/-P

Well, I took a few weeks of Seido Karate about 10 years ago. After that I
quit mostly because I didn't get along
with anyone else there. And it seemed to be a social clique in the end. It
was more of a high energy workout with a lot
of knuckle pushing. I did lose some weight there. If you are going back to
college MRUK4U, I would suggest dropping your
kung-fu class and just concentrate on a few classes important to your major
and keep your degree in mind. I barely made it through my computer classes
along with my degree and hiding in the back, and straining to chat once in a
while with people who were friendly to me. But the main
goal is to get some job with the degree. I'm still having lots of problems
with people at work, but it's still a lot better than where I was 7-10 years
ago. Yes, a job sucks for people with sp. I was unemployed for a long time,
but trust me and the others, a lucky job where a sp can find
some security and feel reasonably safe and belonged is a far better cure
than most of the crap out there pretending to be psychological cures when
the human mind is still an infinite mystery. Our "civilized" society
revolves around creating value for others(a job) in a so called "free"
market. At least
it's a lot better than living in medieval times, basically gangs where there
would be raids on other castles and most of the peasants(us common
folk) died by the sword, usually losing limbs and heads according to
historical research of weaponry and skeletal remains. A college degree
basically helps us common folk find a job one's more inclined to do. Just a
piece of paper which could possibly convince a prospective employer that one
is more qualified for a job.

As for self-defense and exercise, I've been working out at the gym lifting
weights. Of course most of the others think I'm some crazy scared freak
since I mostly ignore everyone(well most people mind their own business
fortunately), but I'm there to get stronger and gain muscle, not socialize.
For self-defense, I sometimes practice basic karate strikes, and watch this
simplified martial art tape supposedly taught to U.S. Navy Seals. I also
practice my tennis strokes, even I suck at competitive play.

news:dqH6f.429$yX2.250@newsread2.news.pas.earthlink.net...

Hello Fc045,

This is a brilliant comment.
Can I suggest it applies to every human interaction? Make what you will of
this but by my reckoning there are many people, too many people, who if they
pass the salt at a table to you having asked them to do so will make a
mental note of that simple thing and expect us to return the favour as they
wait for just the right moment to demand something in return for something
as simple as passing the salt at a dinner table. Problems develop when one
person can't work out what another expects from them and for me having
Social Phobia is due in part to having to live with people who want
something from me but cannot figure out what it is. For me life is not about
the big things but about the little things that can make life heaven or
hell. For example I wonder if you have heard how women complain with passion
about men not putting the toilet seat back down? There are many other
examples and dealing with people or most people who cannot quite tune in to
who and what we are is an endles battle full of tensions. People who see
themselves as big hearted are always people who fail to to express
tenderness at a simple level unsure that their gesture of kindness will go
unregognized and then become angry when their little gift goes unrewarded.
It's those little feelings that when felt make us feel too vulnerable that
compels us to behave in expansive ways afraid as we all are that that the
precious little diamonds we possess will be taken from us forever once
offered. This is the case sadly between people who do not understand each
other but the percentage of pairings that work well on the basis of a
comfortable mutual understanding is very small.
It shocks me how petty people are, the very same people who would accuse me
of being petty and who have done once or twice. We only have to hear to hear
something once or twice to know how others think about us in general. I have
heard someone say that good looking people who have been told only once or
twice that the are going looking because they can conclude they must
therefore be good looking objectively speaking head off to Hollywood in
search of fame and fortune or at least some do on that basis.
It is shocking to me how intense the average person is and how attentive
they are at getting every little thing they believe they give away for
nothing back in another form.

Peter Nolan.
Dublin.

Hi fc,

Well, I took a few weeks of Seido Karate about 10 years ago.
<<<

I never heard of the Seido Karate style...; but, there are so many
'different' karate styles that I'm sure there must be, quite literally,
100's/1000's that I've never even heard of yet?

DROPPED OUT OF KARATE/FELT MUCH TOO DEEPLY EMBARASSED TO EVER GO BACK
THERE

I used to practice for a short time, Renshikai Karate...at the Adi
Centre, Lambeth Bridge, London. However, I did quit after going there
for just a few weeks...; I recall that last painful -both
physically/mentally- lesson. I had strained some muscles inside of my
knee...and, wasn't too sure if I should go to class or not...; but, I
wanted to show I was a determined loyal student who always turned up
even when feeling less than 100%. Well, as we practiced, the pain grew
worse and worse...; and, also, I started to feel more and more
emotional(trying to hide it/but, can't?!)...; almost to the point of
wanting to cry. Such was the intense nature of my sheer embarassment at
having gone and lost face before everybody else in the class/including
loosing face in front of the instructor, as well...; that I basically
decided never to return back there ever again.

 After that I quit mostly because I didn't get along
with anyone else there. And it seemed to be a social clique in the end.
<<<

A few weeks is about my own limit at sticking with learning any style,
too. I mean, it's incredible the sort of invisible(to others)/and,
internal(self-doubts) pressures that an SP has to go through?! So
sticking with groups has never ever been too easy for me...; and,
especially so if there is any sort of conflicts going on...whether
imagined/or, real.

DROPPED OUT OF AIKIDO.../WHICH WAS MY 1ST MARTIAL ARTS EXPERIENCE

One of the first Martial arts classes I ever went to was Aikido. I quit
after going there for only 3 weeks long. Basically, I could not get
along with nobody there, atall. Things started off going very badly
straight from the first lesson...; when I was told to push someone
gently down onto the floor...; but, I made the big mistake of -feeling
over enthusiastic/and, wishing to prove how tough I am- pushing them
down hard onto the floor. Well, they got up...and, now, it was my turn
to be pushed...they pushed me down as hard as possible. From thereon
in...it was like a downhill socialising battle all the way...constantly
struggling to fit in...and, all the time, feeling I'm being pushed
away. Many times, I found myself walking around the mats alone...as
nobody there wanted to partner up with me! The final straw came when I
realised that the instructor wasn't interested in taking my side...;
but, instead, was taking the side of all of his previous students. And,
thus, I felt I was being snubbed by the whole entire class...including
the instructor...so, why bother to stay?! Thus, of course, I left.

The reason why I mentioned this last extremely bitter experience for me
was because it put me off going back again to attend martial arts
classes for the next something like 12+ years! I just kept on replaying
over and over again endlessly in my mind the possibility that if I try
joining another martial arts class...I'm going to get rejected all over
once more...as, basically, everybody in the whole wide world seems to
hate my guts...and, I can never ever get along with nobody on this
whole entire planet!

TRIED DOING TAI CHI, INSTEAD.../BUT, ONCE AGAIN, RAN INTO SOME
CONFLICT...

Well, anyway, when I next decided to try taking part in another martial
arts class, Tai Chi...it was purely as an experiment...I wanted to see
if I really and truly would get rejected again...or, if it was purely
my imagination, alone? I remember that day was my 38th
birthday(normally, I would stay in on such a day/so that nobody else
can spoil it for me/however, that particular day I decided to do
something entirely 'different').

Luckily, everything went ok. Well, actually, not exactly...nothing ever
goes perfectly in my life experience of having to go deal with
people...in particular, there was one very testing moment when the
instructor wanted me to stare him straight in the eyes...; but, being I
was so shy/deeply self-concious...I found this totally 'impossible' to
do. Luckily the instructor was sympathetic...and, seeing/sensing my
obvious utter discomfort...he decided to do a compromise...and, said I
can stare either in the eyes/or, at the forehead/or, the chin/ -etc.

Thus, for me, going to martial arts classes certainly ain't easy...;
it's always an uphill struggle trying to get along with total stranger
people. Believe me, I've been through far more personality conflicts
inside of martial arts classes than I do truly have words to say. So, I
don't even bother with trying to detail every single incident that has
occured...; instead, I just pick out one or two incidents and try -as
best I can- to explain those.

CONCLUSION

Anyway, the point of my above response to you is this...just because
you found you didn't get along well with others inside of one
school/class...shouldn't be read that you will 'never' be able to find
a martial arts school/class that you do get along well in...and, that
you will also wish to stick with going to, regularly. Therefore, my
advice to you is this...-if you really do like practicing martial arts-
then, just keep on looking to find the right club that suits you...; by
not giving up you will manage to find the right
club(location/instructor/pupils), eventually...; that's why I myself am
still here, constantly, searching away by going to visit many different
clubs. The most favourite clubs I found I keep on going back there to
visit, again and again.

Bye/-Paul(UK/London)

PS: As to studying. I'm doing that online -(home study course - which
allows you to study up to degree level from home)- at The Open
University.

http://www.open.ac.uk

I decided that this year...; unlike those that have gone before where
my aim to go and study outside of home was strictly for 'educational'
purposes(computing/maths/english/-etc.)...; but, this time I was going
to devote a whole year to concentrating on attending just 'physical'
exercise classes, instead. And, so, basically, that's exactly what I've
been doing, recently. Study 'educational' subjects at home, and,
online.../but, whenever I go out to study now it's purely to learn
exercise. I feel I'm 42+...if I'm ever seriously going to improve at
martial arts(gain black belt level) ...then, I need to be able to go
for it whilst I'm still 'physically' young and able.

Monday 24th October - 6:30 PM - 9 PM

Style: Aikido - Location: Camberwell Green - Sensei(Teacher): Ingrid
Kohler

This is my 4th time of going back to this class. I guess, I must enjoy
it a lot here...; because, I seem to return back here far more
regularly than going to any other martial arts lesson...; with all the
other lessons I go there very highly irregularly, indeed!

For once, I got there early. Actually, I wanted to see exactly how the
class starts off...; because, at first, the wooden floor is bare...;
then, they have to lay out mats...; and, cover the mats with another
layer of covering...; and, check that everything is secure in its
place/-etc. And, of course, I joined in with setting everything up.

Aikido is a martial art style that doesn't rely purely on strength/but,
instead, relies purely on the skill and also experience of its
practicioners...; therefore, Aikido classes tend to have a balanced
mixture -equal numbers of men/women- of both sexes all practicing
togeather. I did notice one girl -who I found to be very highly
attractive- during our warm up. And, for a few moments I couldn't
actually take my eyes off her. But, then, I had to tell myself to stop
'embarassing' myself...; as she is probably far too young for me,
anyway(must have been half my age). And, so I had to force myself to
look the other way, instead.

This class we mainly concentrated on doing breakfalls...; in Aikido 50%
of the time is spent throwing others/and, 50% of the time is spent
being thrown by others...; thus, it is absolutely necessary that you
should be able to learn to do breakfalls, effectively...that way
whenever you fall damage will be either none/or else, merely
minimal(sore). I left the class feeling really sore...; because, during
one particularly advanced type of breakfall where you had to somersault
over two bodies in a row kneeling before you...-(which I don't usually
practice)-...I landed a bit too forcefully...; still I fell safely with
nothing broken - thank goodness!

As usual, I enjoyed my Aikido class...; as the atmosphere I find is
very friendly, warm, laid back, relaxed.

-(Here they don't 'force' you to join in...; if you decided in yourself
that you can't do it...; then, they allow you to opt out/withdraw.)-

Bye/-Paul(UK/London)

PS: I can't believe I've been going there for 4 lessons straight(one
lesson per week). Proving to me that I can stick with things providing
I like it enough...; providing it's a place where/and, people with whom
I feel both comfortable and 'safe'.

There is a kind of strong human family 'trust' bond which develops
between you as you find yourselves meeting up at the same place to go
and do practice again and again, week after week, regularly - sharing
in studying a subject which you all like and are only interested in
improving at togeather.

Yet, the constant worrying never stops...; maybe, it's because I've
fallen out with others before...; and, this same one thought constantly
haunts me that it could very easily happen to me all over again! With
me dropping out once more rather than finding enough courage to go face
dealing with any sort of conflict(be it, big or small).

The ever constant worry that I may fall out with others, even at any
time...means that I never feel like being a 'true insider' absolutely
anywhere I go...but, I always feel like being a 'total outsider',
instead...somebody who is merely 'pretending' to fit in...before, it
all falls apart...as I feel sure it will come apart at some point, in
future?!

Even as I find myself writing the above...I can hear the constant
'negativity' creeping in...and, I know that's not good...; but, sorry,
I just can't seem to help myself from thinking that way...; because in
the past that's how it always tends to happen...at first, things appear
to be coming togeather...; then, quite suddenly, it all falls
apart(irretrievably)?! I never yet succeeded with attempting to stick
with or do anything long term...certainly, not being involved in human
relationships, anyway.

Even now today after 42+ years...I can't even think of one single sure
true friend that I've found...though, I do have a few
acquaintanceships(hello/how you doing?/goodbye/take care)...but, that's
about as far as it goes...essentially, I feel life is DAMNED SCARY
because I always feel so incredibly ALONE...and, very deeply
INSECURE-because I doubt myself at being able to handle anything
successfully?!

Hello Paul,

You are making an heroic effort to extract yourself from the jaws of Social
Phobia and I'm puzzled about how you can engage in physical combat and yet
feel you have to retreat everytime. Throwing someone on the ground and then
being thrown on the ground in response seems to me like a fantastic way to
feel easy around people. However on that  positive note you also talk about
the stream of negative thinking dragging you down and so the thrill of being
able to throw someone on the ground and then be thrown on the ground is not
strong enough in your case to overpower all that negative stuff that you and
all of here in this tiny group use to beat ourselves up. Beating oneself up
is not unique to us though. Lots of people do it but perhaps not as often or
as effectively as we are at doing it! :)
I did a course in public speaking a few years ago and while it didn't seem
much like such a course to me and others one of whom spoke out and didn't
return from then on the gentleman running the course had us do activities
that warmed us up a bit like comedians are used to warm up live TV audiences
before a show starts. All of us need warming up but no one seems prepared to
make that first move. I have done this on occasions to find that I was in
greater need of warming and to discover that the group then tended, I
speculate, to see me as a nervous fool which of course I am! :) I imagine
that throwing others on the ground would be great fun and being thrown on
the ground myself wouldalso be great fun and this would warm me up and help
me stay with the classes but this is not how it work out in your case,
sadly.
Anyone who takes it upon themselvs to warm up people needs to know what they
are doing by knowing that they will get something nice in return. One good
turn deserves another or so it would seem.
Martial Arts is about achieving control. However not everyone can use these
wonderful arts to do this. It's a bit like some people can play tennis,
others are naturally gifted in technical ways and having the natural flair
for some martial art is something I guess one is either born with or not. My
maxim is that if a new self help strategy doesn't work right away then for
me it will never work and if you do not get that inner glow of enthusiasm
right from the start when you first try out something like learning a new
Martial Art then I wonder if you agree based on your own experience that
your future efforts will be in vain.
We know for sure that some people really can develop some discipline to the
highest level but I recommend that you consider the possibility that these
are gifted people who look just like you and I do on the surface but who
possess inner qualities that enable them to excel at their choosen
discipline. I knew right from the start I would never make a tennis player
no matter how much I longed to ace people with that first serve. I also knew
from the start I would never acquire the knack of playing lead guitar.
So if you do not find that you experience that satisfying feeling of control
when you practice a Martial Art then it will never work out just like, Paul,
most people leave Martial Arts classes when they too discover that they do
not get the buzz from what they reckoned would be exciting because it looked
like that from the outside. These people leave as most do but not because
they have Social Phobia but because they do not get the thrill they were
expecting from the outset. You are convinced that you are being driven away
because you have Social Phobia. This is not true. Paul you just don't get
the necessary returns you crave by doing Martial Arts. There is nothing
unusual about this. The vast majority of people who take up something new
like learning a Martial Art drop out because they don't enjoy it like the
few naturall gifted peope who do.
Houses everywhere are full of very expensive excercise equipment that the
owners bought, used for a while, and then stopped using that very expensive
equipment.  You beat yourself up real bad by telling yourself it's not
working because you have Social Phobia and blame your negative response on
not being able to get along with people or just feel plane awful around
people like all of us in this group do.
Failing to become a success at Martial Arts probable has more to do with
just not enjoying these activities rather than having Social Phobia and
finding it hard to be aroud people in any circumstances.
Try to work out if what I'm saying is true or not. So the question you have
to ask yourself is if why you leave the classes every time is because you
find the company of others hard to bear or that you just don't enjoy these
activities even though you are convinced you should by being able to
appreciate the great gift the the experts have? That is something for you to
ponder and it will be very intersting to see what you figure out is the
case. It won't be easy but at least I've posed a question for you that only
you can answer although discussing all this with a psychotherapist might
help you figure out the answer.

Best Wishes,

Peter Nolan.
Dublin.

might help you figure out the answer.
<<<

I tried thinking of an answer...; but, can't really think of any that
is suitable to give. I like going to martial arts lessons...whenever I
do make it there which I confess is extremely rare...but, I go more
now-a-days that ever I did before...which is making some sort of
progress I suppose. No, I don't ever think I will be able to attain
black belt level...as I don't believe I have that sort of talent...nor
patience to be able to stick with it...instead, I see myself as
remaining at total white belt beginner level, simply, forevermore...as
I will always be quitting from one club/then, going off to join
another...and, thus, start learning an entirely different style from
total scratch...and, basically, continue with my usual getting going
absolutely nowhere! It's a really strange sort of fate that has got me
stuck here...; but, for now, at least, I don't seem to be able to rise
above it any further...; nor can I think of wanting to do anything else
that might prove much better for me...; therefore, I'm stuck with
staying exactly where it is that I already am...only until when I can
find enough inner courage to go and do something else that's completely
different, maybe?!

news:1130711737.588208.188030@g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...

Hello Paul,

(I will get to the point and reply directly to you but let me ramble for a
bit. I've written this after writing much of half of this message.)
First up I'm very happy that you replied to me. People ignore my posts and
so I've tended to post for my own pleasure but wanting to offer support.
This is, after all, a support group. You include in your reply the snippet
that I wrote that engaged you the most even though you clearly did read what
I wrote and your substantial reply is about that one thing I asked you to
think about.

(see above) so maybe at long last I've made first contact with another human
in way I have not done before. In a sense I expect retaliation if I believe
I have provoked someone even to the mildest extent. That has been my
experience in life realising slowly but surely that I have probably never
hurt anybody in any way throughout my life but based on how certain key
people react to me it seems that the smallest thing I do causes discomfort
and precipitates terrible emotional scenes. I see how I'm set up for a fall
and maybe at long last I'm slowing down and able to see how the tension
builds up around me in a non verbal way. I react to the pain of this tension
and even when I say or do nothing that has become a strategy I've used
consistently for over 18 years now that seems at long last to be paying off
or getting results the cruel people around me sense the build up of pain and
some level of anger and know with split second timing how to react to lock
in that pain and anger in my system that I have to live with all the time.
The unspoken anger I've felt for so long has pretty much evaporated but not
entirely so that the folks around me still have an entry point into my
system but this entry point is growing smaller and it's becoming harder for
them to achieve the spectacular results they've been getting for such a long
time.
Does what I'm writing now resonate with you in any way. Are you angry? Does
the pain you and all of us in this tiny group have make you feel angry. If
not you are blessed indeed. Instead of feeling angry the anger has given way
to sadness that is an emotion I find easy to feel. Indeed sadness by my
reckoning is the flip side of the coin that has happiness on the other side.
So is this feeling of sadness a route to feeling happiness? I think it is
is. I then ask what is the opposite of anger and one answer is peace of
mind. Anger is felt for a number of reasons and if you want to you can read
up a bit more about this emotion on the www. According to Dr. Phil McGraw we
feel anger when we are hurt, fearful or frustrated and because you want to
do martial arts you must feel frustration but that doesn't automatically
mean you feel anger. Does this frustration make you feel angry? My guess you
are an even gentler soul in many ways than I am bearing in mind there is
gentleness in everyone and in every living thing but to survive living
things, including us, can be brutal indeed like the lioness and all such
predators who must kill to eat because they cannot digest grass like us even
if we can eat certain vegetables like other animals. A lioness can show her
favorite cub great tenderness and many predators will put their lives at
risk to protect their offspring. Life on earth! Go figure! That is what I'm
doing.
I was looking at a few earlier posts and see a post you wrote just below
where you say how much you enjoy martial arts. When I read this I realised I
might have made a mistake and I was careful to frame my initial comments to
you in a question and you replied to me so I've learned something and as
much as I am certain that the things I love to write about apply to me in
full measure I realise that I need to allow people greater freedom to
respond to what I think is true in my case and not compel them implicitly to
accept what I think seeing now, at last, that is it only human to reject
outright making such an impositionon on someone else even if I'm making
sense. If you read Christina's reply to me a few days ago you will see where
she says how she would not only reject advice I give her but just to be sure
I'm not intruding in her life she says would do the very opposite to what
someone is advising her to do! I've beem communicating privately with one of
the great souls in this group and have learned that it's human nature to
reject the influence of anyone else and I have never been able to acept
advice by knowing that unless the sage offering me their pearls of wisdom
can tell me how to implement the advice I find listening to such advice is
just a pain in the neck. I've pointed this out many times in this group to
prompt people to be wary about the directionless ramblings of mental health
professional being forever ready to ask the sage/self styled oracle- how to
implement the wisdom they wish to impart. This is why I've been rejected by
the clinic here here in Dublin that treats Social Phobia and depression run
a world authority in the practice of CBT called Dr. Tony Bates. I sit there
ready to ponce on them when they offer me advice ready to ask how do I
implement their advice. It's cringingly embarrassing to feel the discomfort
of the expert.
So, Paul, I accept you enjoy martial arts but when you found yourself in
that club surrounded by girls you complained bitterly that you left that
venue and  I pointed out almost certainly correctly that any guy would bolt
from a room full of girls and being forced to leave that group really had
then nothiung at all to do with your having Social Phobia. When I wrote that
long reply to you I felt a sense that I said all this to you before and
indeed I did but on that occasion I was right to say that any guy would not
want to be part of a group comprised of girls and only girls.
Thank heaven's I put my remarks to you in the form of a question and so all
is well.
Here is a thought that just occurred to me. To accept advice is to
acknowledge that the counsellor has greater authority than the person
seeking advice but if say my TV develops a fault I must take it to someone
who is an expert and who has by their acquiring the know how to repair TV
sets the obvious authroity to feel above anyone in a natural way with
respect to understanding how TV sets work and has the expertsie to repair
these very complicated devces. Sadly thousands of self help books have been
written and all of them combined are not woth the paper they are written on
even if paper that comes from tress is seen as a more valuable resource
these days. This wasn't so say 50 years ago or whenever this catchphrase was
composed.
So let me accept you words that you love martial arts and that you earnestly
want to do martial arts.
Throwing people on the ground is great fun and being thrown on the ground in
a split second I know from playing sporets is also great fun and I'll be
darned that you cannot seem to warm up inside and muck in with the rest of
the group. However I'm looking at this from my own perspective knowing that
tossing someone on the ground would be the best fun and knowing I would warm
up myself in such a case but as always it's different strokes for different
folks.
I hope you make a breakthrough by being able to become immersed in the
group's activity but you feel cold on the inside and know instinctively
other people don't want to help you warm up and will not help you warm up.
Not everyone  is like this and I will always identify friendly people in any
group but then I gravitate towards the bullies as I always have done but at
the same time I know who my good friends would be in any group but because I
want to crack my problems on my own I have always been reluctant to bond
with people who really are a source of life enhancing encouragement to me.
You would be amazed at how many friends I have that I have met over the
years and I treasure the warm feelings I feel inside that my long list of
friends have given to me. In some ways I'm lacking in intelligence but in
other ways I'm very bright and edging closer to a recovery now that I know
I'm afraid of people since December of 1998 something that shoukd have been
blindingly obvious but using another catchphrase no one is a judge in their
own case and if you and I and Christina and everyone in this group could see
how many people like us a whole lot we would, everyine, be cured in the
instant of that final realisation but sadly we canlt see ourselves through
the eyes of our friends and the people who just plane like us or are neutral
towards. For me to know someone is ...

read more »

Hi Peter,

I always feel anger...deep anger...which comes from sheer fustration of
not being able to express and get one's own point of view across
properly. I think, that if a person lacks self-confidence; then, it's
extremely difficult for them to put their point across too strongly; as
they are constantly exceedingly fearful of standing up and being so
brave/bold(what if anybody chooses to challege their 'pretending' to be
tough?)!  Also, if the person happens to be extremely
kind/wamn/humane/sensitive...having far more 'empathy' and respect for
other people's opinions than for their own...; then, again, the
tendency is to give in to another persons opinion, and, to back
down...just purely to please them....; which leaves one with a very
bitter taste inside, especially, if all along one feels that one's own
opinion was right!

I think, I've suffered from this sort of conflict going on right
throughout my life...both inside/outside of the family...whe dealing
with family/friends/strangers/absolutely everyone...somehow, I feel I'm
always being forced 'by sheer weakness of personality' to give in to
please them...; and, that I'm being walked over like I'm merely a
doormat put there purely just to please others, alone. -(No wonder I
tend to prefer so much being on my own!)- But, even through knowing
this fact...I still find it almost impossible to stick up and fight for
myself effectively in public...and, will back down 99 times out of 100.
The 1 time in 100 that I do choose to stand up and fight for
myself...and, the other person ends up backing down...then, almost
invariably I feel most deeply ashamed/guilty for having walked all over
them! So, basically, it amounts to if I either lose/win...I still feel
I've lost, in the end. Dealing with people to people conflicts...that's
a really tough nut for me to crack...so, instead, of dealing with it, I
RUN(which is NOT dealing with...; thus, leading to more utterly
unbearable internal agony, and, anger inside)!

When I go to martial arts...it's a way to get those conflicts out of my
system...by letting off the stress. However, I must hasten to point
out...it's not a case of taking that stress out on others...; but,
instead, one goes to martial arts purely to learn 'control'...because,
without being able to control oneself/then, it's impossible to control
others! Therefore, when you say...it's fun to throw people down/and, be
thrown down by others...somehow, I tend to think that's maybe putting
it a bit too over simplistic?! I never go there just to learn to
throw/and, be thrown...instead, I go there to learn the
technique...and, more importantly, how to 'control' that technique. So,
it's not a case of just throwing down people 'forcefully'...; but,
throwing them down with careful -and, highly considerate- control...in
such a way that nobody gets hurt...after all, next it will be their
turn to throw you down...and, you will want them to throw you down very
carefully, too, as well. This is why whenever I've gone to martial arts
lessons...I came away unhurt...otherwise, if we were only interested in
throwing one another down hard and getting a big kick out of it...then,
I think none of us would be able to come out alive(instead, we'd all
have broken this or that or worse)!

You are right, however, in acknowledging the fact that I do 'love'
martial arts...; and, have always loved it for all of my entire life
from ever since childhood...; and, no doubt always will do right up
until my dying breath...; so, I can't really see a point in time when
my life would not have some martial arts being involved in it...; even
if I didn't go to clubs...; then, I'd still be practicing at home. So,
there has never been a point when I thought to myself...martial arts
may not be right for me...as the truth is I felt martial arts IS me...a
sort of like breathing in/out kind of thing...so that you can never
even imagine being without it?! Rank doesn't really matter...; just
like people go to church...whether regularly/or, irregularly...they
themselves may know -deep down inside- that they will 'never' truly
become a priest/or, a nun...but, they still go back to church,
anyway(maybe, purely due to sheer habit)...; that's how I tend to think
of my sort of blind lifelong commitment to studying martial
arts...something that just goes on and on...whether you are good at
it/or, not...to be perfectly honest, I think, I'm absolutely
useless(not that that thought puts me off, atall...; as I feel if you
are useless at something...; then, it just means there's loads of room
to both 'practice and improve')!

As to people accepting you-and, seeing yourself through their eyes...;
I sure wish everything was really that straight forwards and perfectly
simple...; I'm sure, you are quite right that there might even be
friendly people out there -somewhere?- who do actually insist on deeply
'admiring' me...lol. But, then, here is the complicated part...when you
don't really and truly love yourself...or, far worse, do live a life
that is actively involved in the most intense and bitter 'self-hatred'
for all of 24/7/366 non stop! Well, that's the 'hard' part! That's the
part I need to work out how to solve... If a person says, 'I love you!'
But, you don't 'truly' love yourself...; then, you wonder what is going
on that is 'false' here?! Are they deliberately trying to kid you?! Or,
are they simply kidding themselves, instead?! Because, you yourself do
feel very deep inside that you are NOT loveable. That's the real
difficulty I need to go figure out...; why do I tend to believe ever so
strongly that I'm just NOT loveable?! And, that all I deserve is
hate/self-hate/or else, hatred from others?! Some part of my life must
have gone extremely wrong for me to feel this way, non-stop,
constantly?!?!?!

(Welcome to Social Phobia/and, Self-Hate world!)

GOOD LUCK

Bye-Paul(UK/London)

PS: I think, that's one of the main reasons why I wanted to learn
martial arts from ever since a child(yes, even back then I fully
realised my own mixed up internal 'mess'/intense deep bitter
self-hatred/dreadful sense of shame/guilt/lack of self-worth/sheer
fustration/anger)...; I would go to the library and read the martial
arts books...; and, it was 'never' the surface techniques which
impressed or interested me so much...; but, it was something else,
instead...; as I'd read that martial arts can teach you
self-mastery/and, how to defeat your own ego...; it said, 'opponents
are merely an illusion/truly, there is no opponent but the self'...;
so I figured if I could learn that...a way to get in full self-control
of myself...and, to be able to defeat my own ego...'loose the self,
completely; in order to find the true self'...then, at last, I could
set myself free to be 'happy!' It is this same ultimate goal which
causes me to still pursue chasing down the martial arts road. Only,
later on, in life...I learnt that to be successful at martial
arts...you need to have something else as well...which is
self-discipline...(to train/to attend, regularly)...; and, that I'm
afraid always has been/and, still is my utter undoing!

news:1130940888.995987.129370@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...

Hello Paul,

I just read your post. What you have written is probably as good a
description as anyone else could have written who is either suffering like
we do or some mental health professional describing the nature of how you
feel and how we all feel, those of us with mental health problems that arise
from say frustration by not being able to live one's own life to the full. I
have heard that depression is anger turned inwards and it's not very often
that I make note of something like this that is worth remembering. You're
post is a brilliant exposé of the state you and I are in and while I know
you are in agony because you said so your mind is functioning beautifully,
in my opinion. My mind is working well but I know that analysis alone,
serial thought, and by serial thought I mean thinking one thought at a time
one after another in a linear sequence, will never solve my problems it
helps to some extent.
The key to your recovery can happen through martial arts. You have been
trying for a long time now to use martial arts to help yourself in addition
to the enjoyment you feel when you do martial arts. You might be mistaken,
though, to think that the practise of martial arts will lead to your
recovery but I know that martial arts can help people to achieve exactly
what you talk about which is self-control. Whether, Paul, achieving this all
important goal will then naturally lead to your recovery might be a harder
question to answer than it appears to be. We would all be tempted to say
that mastery over the self, one's mind and emotions would solve all our
problems but will the process, the practice of martial arts, heal the pain
you are in? What do you think?

Peter.
Dublin.

We would all be tempted to say
that mastery over the self, one's mind and emotions would solve all our

problems but will the process, the practice of martial arts, heal the
pain
you are in? What do you think?
<<<

I can only answer you that I just don't know...; not until I've already
gotten there, and, achieved self-mastery??? Then, I can answer you,
afterwards.

Going along the journey...it certainly feels most exceedingly
difficult...(the path is filled with social difficulties-meeting people
who don't like you-who you, then, decide you don't like,
neither.../and, both, internal and external difficulties:
mental/physical problems):...enough to make me want to quit, and, give
up.

So, the only answer I can give, right now, is...I've always been in
pain especially mentally(mixed up/confused/about how to sort out my own
internal/external mess?!)...; and, that's where I still am...; so,
basically, I've never known any other state of being or living...;
therefore, it's honestly very hard for me to believe that life will
suddenly change to become any other way...other than the way it ALWAYS
was! But, this doesn't mean I don't still have plenty of blind Hope for
the future.../or, that I'm in any way incapable of doing endless
DREAMING! Because, I think, it's only our Human Nature to always want
to 'improve'. If you were to lock a man up in prison...-(even a prison
entirely of his own making/or, of others making)-...then, he will
always DREAM of ESCAPING from PRISON, maybe, one day...?!

Bye/-Paul

PS: I'm glad you seem to like what I write, sometimes, anyway. But, to
tell you the truth, from my own point of view...everything I write just
simply STINKS! I never feel I'm expressing exactly what I want to
say...; exactly how it should have been said...; so, that in the end,
after doing much re-writing...I just get totally fed up of doing any
further re-writing...and, click the [Post] button, anyway. Otherwise, I
feel I would be sitting there re-writing, again and again, forevermore!

I know, that deep down I have an idealist 'perfectionist' streak in
me...; and, possibly, that's one of the reasons why I find life to be
ever so damn difficult...; as I can never live up to my own way
over-blown impossibly perfectionist expectations!!! But, merely knowing
it's NOT good to be perfectionist...; doesn't stop me from still being
one. Just like you said...writing about these things doesn't really
help you to solve anything?! Just as being aware that you do have a
problem...; doesn't necessarily help to solve the problem. The problem
is you have to solve the problem...; and, frankly, I really don't know
how??? That's why I 'waste so much time' talking about...; instead, of
actually getting on with 'doing it', instead.

Maybe, that's why I feel ever so proud of myself when I've gone
to...and, come back from attending a martial arts class...because, it's
something I 'did'.../not just merely sat back and thought about
doing...which is my usual tendency...normally, leading me towards doing
absolutely nothing atall! I really must confess...; it's been weeks
-or, most certainly, 'feels' that way-...since I been back to take any
more martial arts lessons...; instead, I find myself constantly
thinking about it...; but, NOT doing it...-(doing loads of other
things, instead)-...that makes me feel like being a really stupid shit!
Why is my enthusiasm never constant...; instead, it always stops and
starts...; possibly due to Manic Depression, I guess...severe up/down
mood swings??? As a matter of fact, not only did I not go out to
martial arts lessons.../but, I haven't been going out anywhere,
atall.../for the last week or so I've just stayed being totally locked
up inside of the house!

(Depression = Anger turned inwards./Yes, I agree w/u 100%!)

Wednesday November 16th 2005

Went Tai Chi class at Morley College.

The teacher asked me how comes I only went to a few -one or two- of his
classes at the beginning of the term...; and, then, seemed to have
dropped out of all the rest? I answered him because I wasn't feeling
too well.

(I didn't know how to tell him the truth...that I was attending other
lessons which were going on at the same time. Or else, I just was
feeling far too lazy to come. Or, otherwise, my mind had gotten
completely distracted by doing something else, instead.)

-Paul

PS: Frankly, doing this real 'slow' form of Tai Chi totally bores me!
That's not to say I don't fully recognise it's worth...; it's good if
you have enough patience to be able to stick with it...; but, it's just
that temperamentally I might not be suited to this style...; as I like
to move quick. This is my 2nd term there...; and, already, I've been
dropping out of lessons, regularly, again. I'm not sure if I will ever
sign up for a 3rd term...what for...when I hardly ever even bother to
go?!

Nov 18th 2005. Autumn/Winter. The bitterly freezing cold really does
NOT inspire me to want to get up and exercise...neither inside(central
heating not working-have to rely on hot-water bottles/gas fire)/nor
outside of the home(where the cold is even far worse!). And, my feeling
of being so totally out of shape makes me feel a complete lack of
self-confidence when it comes to joining in with others who are taking
classes. Instead, I'm just hoping that Sping/Summer would come along
real fast...then, I will feel inspired to get up and move around more.
Instead, I've gone back to reading books in bed.

news:1132353455.597911.259020@g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...

Hello Paul,

You don't feel well enough to go to the classes. It has nothing to do with
being lazy or anything else.
You write:

I've seen this many times on TV with a group of mostly older people, come to
think of it, doing it in a group in some open space in a Chinese city. A lot
depends on breathing in pace and in synchronism with the motions being
executed. My guess is I couldn't do it but that doesn't mean that I would
not benefit from instruction.
If each one us in this group, including me, could figure out a way to stop
beating ourselves up like you are doing by thinking the way you do to
explain why you do not go to the classes we would all be better off. In fact
this would be sufficent on it's own to effect a cure for our disorder and by
saying that in the style I'm delivering it I hope it's not just a function
of my slightly upbeat mood that I feel at the moment and so lacking
objectivity. You see how easily I beat myself up too! It's a bright sunny
day here in Dublin but cold.

Peter Nolan.
Dublin.
Ps. I will write to you as promised. Be sure of this! :)

Hi Peter,

Thanks very much for your reply. Reading a sympathetic word certainly
makes me feel that much better!/;-)

I guess, you are right about the constantly beating yourself up part.

Sometimes, I wish I would complain far less...; and, just merely get on
with it. So that if I didn't go...I just simply accepted the fact that
I didn't go...and, will go along next time, maybe...then, leave it at
that. But, instead, I tend to mope around/feeling really bitter,
depressed, angry at myself for not having gone, regularly...; how else
do I expect to improve if I don't go there, regularly?! And, so I tell
myself that I'm utterly weak/useless/hopeless/-etc. Life certainly
would be far easier...if I just said ok I didn't go...because I really
didn't feel like it...and, so what...next time I shall...and, when I do
I do...and, when I don't I don't...therefore, nothing to complain
about. But, no, I constantly feel I have to make excuses both to myself
and others.../and, explain in the fullest possible detail the reasons
as to why I didn't go?! And, that's a bad habit that's very hard to
STOP, unfortunately!

GOOD LUCK

Bye/-Paul

PS: Pleased getting to hear from you...; and, always, happy to hear
more.

I've just re-read some of what I'd already written above.

And, my conclusion is that I have 2 goals in practicing martial arts.

MARTIAL ARTS: MY ULTIMATE GOAL

Ultimately, my aim in doing martial arts training is to gain
mental/physical/spiritual self-mastery.

But, that is the 'ultimate' goal. Just like a deeply religious person
may have the goal to perfect the imperfect self...; a goal which most
know may be a VERY LONG way off to be able to acheive...?!

Similarly, I'm unsure that I will ever be able to achieve what still
remains as being my ultimate goal???!!!

MARTIAL ARTS: MY SHORT TERM GOAL

However, there is another reason why I do martial arts which is to
fight off old age...; namely, to stay young/strong/healthy/fit...;
meaning when I am doing training...; then, this tends to indicate that
I'm feeling both fit, and, way up in spirits. But, when I'm not doing
any training; then, this tends to indicate the exact opposite that I'm
feeling both totally unfit, and, way down in spirits.

Thus, I tend to gauge exactly how I'm feeling inside/outside by asking
myself the question...have I been doing any martial arts training/or,
not? If not...; then, I know this is not good. And, if yes; then, I
know everything is coming along ok.

Therefore, at the most basic level, my doing martial arts training is
simply the main way I use to stay in some sort of physical shape...;
before old age sets in...; and, then, I imagine I won't even be able to
move atall?!

-Paul

PS: Now, I'm thinking to myself...that one of my biggest motivations in
doing martial arts practice is FEAR...; namely, the constant FEAR of
ever growing old!

Because I've worked with martial artists who were older than me...I'm
42+...they were 50+...and, yet, I seen them being able to move around
like they were 1/2 their age...or, even 1/4 their age...they move
around just like they were kids!/;-)

December 19th 2005

Haven't been to any more martial arts lessons in what feels like being
absolute ages! Must be weeks/months since I last did any training.

I did go along and merely watch a martial art lesson (Judo) around last
week in South Kensington. But, I did not physically take part in the
lesson.

Part of the problem is that I'm totally flat broke! And, you have to
pay yearly joining fees(£60.00).../and, uniform fees(£45).../and,
each lesson fee on top of it all(£5.00). When you're unemployed -with
many other endless bills to pay for- this is really tough!

I also feel though that Social Phobia plays a part in all of this.
Because, I feel so damned self-conconcious at having dropped out, and,
stopped training/that I feel most deeply ashamed to have to go back to
the same club(s)...in case people think I'm just totally wasting all of
their precious time by trying their best to teach me...when I can't
even be bothered to go along regularly. But, there are many reasons in
regards to why I stop.

Bye/-Paul!

PS: I'm thinking of going to Tai Chi training at a 'new' club...namely,
the YMCA near Stockwell tube station.