Grandparents and split families
Pat Winstanley
What do you think, gang?
The boys' father died several years ago and the the boys swapped from
spending a couple of days each weekend with their dad (one spent all
visiting Nan) to a day each with their (85 ish yr old) paternal Nan and
the only of the four bio grandparents still living (she lives 3-4 miles
away).
The "boys" are now 14 & 15.
Most of the time they enjoy going (except for the hassle of getting
themselves washed and dressed to her exacting standards) and biking or
bussing or taxiing there and back.
Sometimes during the weekends (and occasionally during the week) they do
get to enjoy the interaction of other parts of their extended paternal
family which I do NOT want to impede at all and want to encourage as
much as possible. They also do a lot in terms of taking their (outdoor
wheelchair bound) nan out and about to the local shopping centre or
running errands for her.
Should I be starting to wean their grandmother off the set regularity of
these visits and make them more like alternate weekends (she gets to see
one for one day one weekend and the other for a day the next weekend) so
that the boys each have a *whole* weekend every couple of weeks to just
slop and do nothing except what they fancy for 48 hours when they aren't
required to be in school?
Personally she and I get on co-operatively regarding the kids and her
and my needs (more or less) but neither of us agrees with the other over
the basic upbringing tenets of the kids. Over more than a decade we have
fairly comfortably agreed to differ and she understood why the divorce
took place and doesn't blame me for it any more than she blames her son
for it...
Should I start to give the boys their weekends of rest more often,
rather than expecting them to see their nan whether they want to or not?
Thoughts appreciated!
Criticisms expected! ;-))
--
Pat Winstanley
Purchgdss
What to the boys have to say?? They're old enough to have some input.
-- Christine
I'm just a figment of your reality.
SoccerStepMom
Ditto. That is the question I would expect my usenet buddy Pat W. to
ask. Are the kids asking, or are you seeing some gap in their
development otherwise that is causing you concern? SSM
Pat Winstanley
<purc...@aol.com> writes
>
>What to the boys have to say?? They're old enough to have some input.
They are ambivalent. They don't want to hurt their nan's feelings but
they do want time to rest at the weekend (they both do paper rounds Mon-
Sat mornings generally having to get up at about 6.00 am in order to be
back and get changed into uniform and breakfast and otherwise get ready
in time to get to school).
--
Pat Winstanley
Pat Winstanley
<soccer...@usa.net> writes
>Purchgdss wrote:
>>
>> What to the boys have to say?? They're old enough to have some input.
>>
>> I'm just a figment of your reality.
>
>Ditto. That is the question I would expect my usenet buddy Pat W. to
>ask. Are the kids asking, or are you seeing some gap in their
>development otherwise that is causing you concern? SSM
Well - both... see other relpy.
Ambivalence on the part of the boys and ambivalence on my part. This is
*nothing* really to do with their nan being the paternal grandparent but
more that I wonder if she and I are pushing the boys a bit too hard in
all this. They see or speak to my side of the family (who are more
geographically scattered) about once a month or so with a full, extended
family get-together one day a year around your Thanksgiving... about 10
of us! ;-))
It has been the threads on kids having activities clashing with access
time that prompted the question... are we hurting the boys by making
them spend this time every week with their grandmother?
--
Pat Winstanley
janelaw
>
> In article <19980920102316...@ng02.aol.com>, Purchgdss
> <purc...@aol.com> writes
> >
>
> they do want time to rest at the weekend (they both do paper rounds Mon-
> Sat mornings generally having to get up at about 6.00 am in order to be
> back and get changed into uniform and breakfast and otherwise get ready
> in time to get to school).
>
> --
> Pat Winstanley
I can't gauge from your post how much your ex-MIL needs the
boys' help. If she lives for their visits, or if she's not long
for this world, then they should probably try to stick it.
Otherwise, they'll feel guilty.
OTOH, I am amazed that your two teenage boys are so generous
with their time. No matter how much they love their
grandmother, every weekend must be pretty rough on kids their
age.
Maybe they could start loosening up the schedule a bit, swapping
days or taking the occasional weekend off. If I were your
ex-MIL, it would be easier for me if there were a concrete
reason for the absence, though. I would be more likely to be
hurt if the boys wanted to blow me off just to do nothing. If
they were going out of town for the weekend, or had a party at a
friend's, or had a project for school, I could accept missing
them much better.
This might be a good time to let your sons get some experience
with balancing their own needs against others'. Maybe you
should let them work out their own schedule with their
grandmother. You seem to have instilled a sense of
responsibility in them. You say they don't want to hurt her.
My guess is that it's easier for them to grouse about the visits
with you than it would be to ditch the old lady. They probably
appreciate much better than you do both how much she needs them
and how much they need more free time.
So why not let them handle the responsibility? If they really
believe they need the time, then they won't feel bad about
leaving her alone more. OTOH, if they feel that they are just
being self-indulgent, it will be much harder for them to tell
her they are not coming.
Julie
take on a lot more responsibility, but still need some guidance. Pat, maybe
let them know that they can decide more what to do with their time, but you do
think it's important to keep visits if they really don't have specific plans.
Not that they have to make it an all-day visit if they really do just want
some down time, but I think they'll feel good about meeting their own needs
once they've also considered her feelings.
Good luck, Pat - you're raising some great kids!
Julie
Pat Winstanley
<jan...@mailexcite.com> writes
Useful thoughts... thanks... I will have a ponder!
It's because they want to both spend time with her and have free time
that is the problem. There isn't a hassle if they have something special
on and have to miss a weekend... she doesn't mind at all... hmmm...
Perhaps I might suggest they drop in for an hour after school during the
week occasionally as their weekly visit?... Hmmm...
Isn't this really so like the weekend NCP access even though she's not
their dad...
--
Pat Winstanley
Pat Winstanley
>boys' help. If she lives for their visits, or if she's not long
>for this world, then they should probably try to stick it.
>Otherwise, they'll feel guilty.
She's in her eighties, but in generally good health for her age (I don't
expect her to drop dead anytime soon!). However following a mild stroke
about ten years ago she is dodgy on her feet and really needs to use a
wheelchair if she leaves home. She is also developing arthritis which,
when it stikes, makes her more or less immobile and she needs to be
helped in and out of bed etc. She doesn't *need* the boys' help,
particularly, but she does appreciate both it and their company.
Mentally she's slowing down a bit, but not much at all - very sharp old
lady! The other day before the younger lad set off for her flat
(apartment) I reminded him to wash his neck and behind his ears. He
protested that I was nagging and I said "Fine - I'll stop, but Nan will
nag you more than I do if she sees you like that." He promptly shut up
and washed his neck and behind his ears before he left... I wonder why?!
;-))
--
Pat Winstanley
janelaw
>
>
> Isn't this really so like the weekend NCP access even though she's not
> their dad...
>
>
Yes, it is.
SoccerStepMom
Actually, I think it is a little different. My stepkids do pretty much
the same things on weekends, regardless of which home they are in: play
with neighborhood friends, watch TV, play on the computer, build Legos,
practice or play soccer, all with the occasional treat like a movie,
party, visit to the zoo, park, festival, etc. They also do some chores,
but certainly not all day. Each parent has different style and stuff,
but they are basically hanging out "at home" in either case.
It sounds as though Pat's kids' visits to their Nan have a larger
component of duty or work to them. While I think they sound like
wonderful, responsible boys, I'm wondering when they get to have a
social life and just relax.
As a child in an intact family, I would have found it very intensive to
have to spend every other weekend helping my grandmother - even though I
had a wonderful relationship with her, and did enjoy spending time with
her. It's just that as a teenager, I wanted to explore my own interests
and be with kids my own age.
It seems that there may be some middle ground between the full-time
commitment that the boys have now and totally abandoning her.
Just my thoughts. SSM
PS, Congrats, Pat, on raising such responsible, caring boys.
susan
>
> Thoughts appreciated!
Have the boys asked for a reduced visiting schedule? If THEY want it,
then I think you should respect that. It sounds to me like they've been
pretty darn good to her. I know a lot of 14 year old boys who wouldn't
spend an HOUR with a wheelchair-bound Nan, let alone take her to the
mall. If they feel they need more goofing-off time, maybe you should go
to the alternate weekend schedule. However, remind them that Nan won't
be here much longer and they may regret their decision. They have about
70 years left to live and "goof off" - Nan has 5 years (that's probably
stretching it a good long way).
By the way, your boys sound like a couple of pretty nice people.
Pat Winstanley
<soccer...@usa.net> writes
>As a child in an intact family, I would have found it very intensive to
>have to spend every other weekend helping my grandmother - even though I
>had a wonderful relationship with her, and did enjoy spending time with
>her. It's just that as a teenager, I wanted to explore my own interests
>and be with kids my own age.
Maybe I wasn't quite clear.
They each spend most of one daytime with their grandmother every
weekend. One on Saturday and the other on Sunday, but every weekend
(more or less).
They don't both spend the whole weekend with her. One scoots off there
mid-late Saturday morning and returns after Saturday teatime. The other
does the same on Sunday. So each gets one full and one partial weekend
day to themself to just slop about as they choose alone, with each other
or with friends.
(They used to both go together on the same day but are in such sibling
love-hate/rivalry mode over the past year or so when BOTH are going
through adolescence that it's a lot easier for everyone [including them]
to split them up as far as possible).
And their neighbouring friend (another lad the same age with similar
interests) generally sleeps over on the Saturday night (no paper rounds
in the morning) so they all have a late night playing Quake etc over the
internet that night and emerge as (can you really call them) human
beings on the Sunday morning getting on for lunchtime! ;-))
The boys recently swapped over so that Saturday and Sunday 'Nan-duty'
has reversed... along with a paper round swap.
--
Pat Winstanley
Pat Winstanley
<susa...@cancerboard.ab.ca> writes
Aaaaargh... loads of the same ambivalent advice as *I* have! .....
>By the way, your boys sound like a couple of pretty nice people.
I suspect I shall have to lay this one at their feet with the pros and
cons and let them decide what to do... and how to deal with their nan.
I really don't know. But aren't parents *supposed* to know???
--
Pat Winstanley
Julie
Pat Winstanley wrote:
Ahhhh...you fell for that one, too? :-)
>
>
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> --
> Pat Winstanley
Julie