Remedial Limit-setting for Grown-ups
janelaw
This has nothing directly to do with either step or single
parenting. It is a parenting problem, though. I'm just hoping
that someone can help. I am pretty confused.
My specific problem involves my daughter (D), her best friend
(DBF), and DBF's mother, who is also my friend.
DBF: My friend and her mate broke up in June. Since then, DBF
has become incredibly possessive of D. If they spend time with
another friend, they always end up fighting. DBF interrupts
every (literally) interaction D has with another child. If
simple interruption does not work, DBF starts a fight by
taunting, insulting, or "accidentally" physically hurting the
other child. If D is not around, DBF behaves the same way but
with a second or third string friend in D's place. The kids are
all 10 or 11.
D: D is intensely loyal to DBF and thick as mud. She ends up
angry with all her other friends for being mean to DBF. While I
admire her loyalty to DBF, I am appalled by the way she treats
her other friends. She just can't go to a friend's house and
ditch him or her as soon as DBF arrives. My original solution
was to limit D's group gatherings and push individual time with
each of her friends. Of course, I also explained that her
behavior is rude. I really didn't want to get into explaining
that DBF is deliberately manipulating her, because I felt that
was a lesson that D should figure out on her own.
My friend, DBF's mother: I can't talk to her anymore. For the
last three months, whenever I make plans with another parent for
D to spend time alone with his/her child, DBF ends up there
too. I explain to my friend ahead of time that D needs
individual time with the other friend as their relations have
been tense. Invariably, she completely agrees with me and says
that DBF can do something else. I get to the friend's house to
drop off D and find that DBF is already there. This happens
EVERY time. Of course, there is never a problem with DBF going
without D.
Then, when the kids come home angry, my friend calls me up to
complain about how mean the other child was to D and DBF. Even
when we have all been in family groups, my friend does not see
that it is OUR children who are being cruel and causing
trouble. If I hear "Poor DBF" one more time, I will vomit. I
point out that Tommy called DBF "fat" when he was in some pain,
as DBF had just hit him in the face with a soccer ball, and that
Leah called our daughters "jerks" when they locked her out of
her own bedroom for a half hour. She replies that the soccer
ball was an accident or that DBF told her that they just closed
the door for a minute. For heaven's sake, we were both sitting
right there. How can she be so dense?
Yesterday: The good news was that the cast came off my leg.
Now I can entertain D's friends individually in our home again.
I think I can just say, "I'm sorry, but no" when DBF calls to
ask if she can come too. The bad news was that DBF's family is
moving in down the street from us. It won't be long before DBF
figures out that she can just skip the phone call and show up at
our house. If I send her home, my friend will think I am being
cruel to her poor daughter.
Please help me figure this out.
Jane
P.S. SIL says that this is all kid stuff that I should ignore.
DH says that I am not clear enough up front.
Karin Dietterich
>This has nothing directly to do with either step or single
>parenting. It is a parenting problem, though. I'm just hoping
>that someone can help. I am pretty confused.
>My specific problem involves my daughter (D), her best friend
>(DBF), and DBF's mother, who is also my friend.
>DBF: My friend and her mate broke up in June. Since then, DBF
>has become incredibly possessive of D. If they spend time with
>another friend, they always end up fighting.
>D: D is intensely loyal to DBF and thick as mud.
>My friend, DBF's mother: I can't talk to her anymore. For the
>last three months, whenever I make plans with another parent for
>D to spend time alone with his/her child, DBF ends up there
>too. I explain to my friend ahead of time that D needs
>individual time with the other friend as their relations have
>been tense. Invariably, she completely agrees with me and says
>that DBF can do something else. I get to the friend's house to
>drop off D and find that DBF is already there. This happens
>EVERY time. Of course, there is never a problem with DBF going
>without D.
>Yesterday: The good news was that the cast came off my leg.
>Now I can entertain D's friends individually in our home again.
>I think I can just say, "I'm sorry, but no" when DBF calls to
>ask if she can come too. The bad news was that DBF's family is
>moving in down the street from us. It won't be long before DBF
>figures out that she can just skip the phone call and show up at
>our house. If I send her home, my friend will think I am being
>cruel to her poor daughter.
First, congratulations on getting your cast off! With the heat we've
been having, I know you'll be more comfortable now (and more mobile!).
Some of what you are seeing is quite common when there are more than
2 children in a group together. It is especially seen in groups of
three or five (where someone can be "odd man out"). I think it's more
common in younger children, but with the emotional stress in DBF's life,
it's not too surprising. There was a discussion about this in misc.kids
earlier this year (I think).
So, what can you do about it? Not as much as you'd like. :-)
You may need to sit your daughter down and explain what's going on.
While it's good to be a loyal friend, if she's hurting other people
in the process, that's not so good, and she needs to be able to see
that.
Being able to have the girls at your house will help since you can
control the situation better.
There is a boy in our neighborhood who waits for us to come home in the
evenings. Nine times out of 10, we haven't even had a chance to sit down
yet before he's at the door. We've learned to say, "now is not a good time"
or "I don't want to play right now", and other things like that. It's
not easy, and you will most likely have to be the "bad guy" for a while
while your daughter learns how to handle situations like this, especially
with DBF moving in down the street. We've also learned to say, "we're
going to do XYZ now, you'll have to come back later", if it's something
that he can't participate in.
Good luck!
Karin, Mom to David (8/31/85)
--
Karin Dietterich k...@teleport.com
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing
sound they make as they go flying by.
Mary Jo Sterns
doors to see if they can play. The friends also knock on our door as well.
I have no problem with that, in fact I encourage all the kids to be
comfortable to come around. But I do sometimes say, sorry not today. My
reasons are various as I explain to my daughter... I either need a break or
I want to spend some time with her myself ( fyi my daughter is 9).
I have told all the other parents involved with the door to door visits of
my daughter, that they should never feel bad about telling her to go away
and that it is not a good time now. Politely of course. My daughter is
quite often confronted with various refusals and she goes on her merry way.
In the case of her best buddy, it is a constant back and forth from their
house to ours. But their are times when her friend is busy doing something
else and my daughter is told that.And there are often times that they just
need a break from each other.
I would think that you need to react the same way. Those times you dont
want someone visiting, in particular DBF, you for sure need to express that
in a polite and honest manner. If DBF's mother comes back at you, then you
need to give her the same explanation. It sounds like this will be
difficult but I think you need to stick to your guns.
We have 2 kids from the same family on our street and it is sad cause the
other kids dont want to play with them. They are the type that constantly
cause friction, their way of getting attention. But we are a
"neighbourhood" and I believe that it is not proper to leave any one out.
But the kids are at a point now where they express their dislike of a
certain behaviour. We can only hope that the 2 kids will learn. But they I
fear will grow up and be osterisized.
It sounds like that could happen to your daughter and/or DBF. I agree with
your intervention in this and hopefully all will get it and go for a smooth
road ahead.
MJ
janelaw <jan...@excite.com> wrote in article
<35FE822F...@excite.com>...
> Help!
>
> This has nothing directly to do with either step or single
> parenting. It is a parenting problem, though. I'm just hoping
> that someone can help. I am pretty confused.
>
> My specific problem involves my daughter (D), her best friend
> (DBF), and DBF's mother, who is also my friend.
>
> DBF: My friend and her mate broke up in June. Since then, DBF
> has become incredibly possessive of D. If they spend time with
> another friend, they always end up fighting. DBF interrupts
> every (literally) interaction D has with another child. If
> simple interruption does not work, DBF starts a fight by
> taunting, insulting, or "accidentally" physically hurting the
> other child. If D is not around, DBF behaves the same way but
> with a second or third string friend in D's place. The kids are
> all 10 or 11.
>
> D: D is intensely loyal to DBF and thick as mud. She ends up
> angry with all her other friends for being mean to DBF. While I
> admire her loyalty to DBF, I am appalled by the way she treats
> her other friends. She just can't go to a friend's house and
> ditch him or her as soon as DBF arrives. My original solution
> was to limit D's group gatherings and push individual time with
> each of her friends. Of course, I also explained that her
> behavior is rude. I really didn't want to get into explaining
> that DBF is deliberately manipulating her, because I felt that
> was a lesson that D should figure out on her own.
>
> My friend, DBF's mother: I can't talk to her anymore. For the
> last three months, whenever I make plans with another parent for
> D to spend time alone with his/her child, DBF ends up there
> too. I explain to my friend ahead of time that D needs
> individual time with the other friend as their relations have
> been tense. Invariably, she completely agrees with me and says
> that DBF can do something else. I get to the friend's house to
> drop off D and find that DBF is already there. This happens
> EVERY time. Of course, there is never a problem with DBF going
> without D.
>
> Then, when the kids come home angry, my friend calls me up to
> complain about how mean the other child was to D and DBF. Even
> when we have all been in family groups, my friend does not see
> that it is OUR children who are being cruel and causing
> trouble. If I hear "Poor DBF" one more time, I will vomit. I
> point out that Tommy called DBF "fat" when he was in some pain,
> as DBF had just hit him in the face with a soccer ball, and that
> Leah called our daughters "jerks" when they locked her out of
> her own bedroom for a half hour. She replies that the soccer
> ball was an accident or that DBF told her that they just closed
> the door for a minute. For heaven's sake, we were both sitting
> right there. How can she be so dense?
>
> Yesterday: The good news was that the cast came off my leg.
> Now I can entertain D's friends individually in our home again.
> I think I can just say, "I'm sorry, but no" when DBF calls to
> ask if she can come too. The bad news was that DBF's family is
> moving in down the street from us. It won't be long before DBF
> figures out that she can just skip the phone call and show up at
> our house. If I send her home, my friend will think I am being
> cruel to her poor daughter.
>