Getting Things Straight
FoMoCoMan0
widower........or never been married...........we are parents, that are not
married.
I do not care if you are a woman that does not get child support.........or a
man that does not get child support..........we are parents that are not
married
I do not care if you are a woman who does not have custodial care..........or a
man that does not have custodial care............we are parents that are not
married
I do not care if you are a woman that has decided the kids should be with
dad...........I do not care if you are a man that has decided the kids should
be with mom..........we are parents that are not married.
I do not care if the child was planned or not...........it is still a child and
loved liked all those who are planned.
Does anyone get my point here?.............I care but I do not care............
We are all single parents............some more judgemental then
others..........
Those in glass houses should not throw stones...............who amongst us is
without fault?
OK...........I am rambling here..........just get tired of the hypocritical
attitude lately..........
Steve
H B
Divorced parents are single but they are not single parents.
Like most, you fail to include the most important part of the equation: the child.
A child of divorced parents has two parents.
A child of a single parent has one parent.
Dididiaz31
>
>A child of a single parent has one parent.
This brings to mind the old saying, and I am only using the male gender because
that is the way that I have heard it, "Anyone can be a 'father' but it takes
someone special to be a 'daddy'."
Just because someone biologically creates a child does not meant that they will
maintain enough integrity to be a parent -- men OR women.
My children are fortunate enough to have two very invested, very committed
parents. I, though, still consider myself a "single parent" because I am doing
my part alone.
I am not sure where this conversation started or where your issues stem from
with this, but you seem to have a very rigid perspective.
Didi, single mother to Caitlin, 9, Patrick, 7, and Meagan, 4.
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against
it."
G.K. Chesterton
FoMoCoMan0
>
You missed my point by a mile. Read the post again.
Steve
Peter F. DeMos
> You missed my point by a mile. Read the post again.
And I say the same to you. Read her post again. The *whole* thing. Read
between the lines. Like you are asking us to do.
peterd
--The original peterd. Accept no substitutes.--
http://www.peterd.com
Leyton Collins
>
> Steve wrote:
> > You missed my point by a mile. Read the post again.
> And I say the same to you. Read her post again. The *whole* thing.
> Read between the lines. Like you are asking us to do.
Actually, I think everybody is missing the points so far. I see a
lot of semantics with replies staying the same thing. What I got
is that everybody who posts here does so because they are indeed
a mom/dad and not just a donor of 23 chromosomes resulting in a
baby. If I missed the point are there indeed posters to this NG
that fall in the latter category above? I hope not.
Leyton
FoMoCoMan0
>
>And I say the same to you. Read her post again. The *whole* thing. Read
>between the lines. Like you are asking us to do.
I am going to make your day.............please enlighten me as to what I missed
between the lines.
Open microphone for Peter...........
Steve
H B
Gee, how did I know the biological aspect of parenting would be used. Hmmm....
If this is the case, explain to me the parental issue regarding surogates and
artifical insemination or adoption for that matter.
You find my outlook distorted, but I find the divorced parent claiming to be a single
parent even more distorted not to mention damaging to the children. You accuse me of
being an angry person but it is you who shows hostility. Not once have I seen the word
love used in your arguements, only responsibilty of which I assume to be financial
obligation.
My definition of single parent is the same one used by state laws and a few moral and
ethical points.
I am not angry. As a single parent I cannot possibly understand the anger most
divorced parents feel toward their x-spouse. If I were divorced, I still would not
understand the anger. If you stood eye level to your childen, perhaps you could see a
different point of view.
Has anyone thought to ask the children?
Parental relationship status is too diverse a subject to reach an absolute. But a
classification built on a child's perspective seems probable.
The only absurdity I find in this discussion is the lack of consideration most of you
have for your children's feelings. As for children who find hatred in a parent for not
fulfilling their obligation: Where did your prejudice come from?
Drak...@my-dejanews.com
H B <dabi...@swbell.net> wrote:
> Noooo.....
>
> Divorced parents are single but they are not single parents.
>
child.
>
>
> A child of a single parent has one parent.
>
without the tie of marriage, before, during or after birth.
-Craig, Dad to Draco and Griffin
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum
Dididiaz31
of you have for your children's feelings.
This is an unfair presumption for you to make. I care deeply for my childrens'
feelings. How will your child, deriving from your definition of nonbiological
status, feel when they start asking about their other parent? "Well, dear, he
was lot # 378 -- but he had a great profile, so you'll be darn proud!"
My children are happy. My children are loved by both parents. My children
will, knock on wood, never wonder if it was their fault that there parents are
not together, therefore rendering single parent status individually. See if,
one day, you can say the same for yours.
Dididiaz31
of marriage, before, during or after birth.
>
>-Craig, Dad to Draco and Griffin
Good point, Craig, but HB doesn't want to "see" that side of the argument.
Robbin Spoonamore Hubbard
>Parental relationship status is too diverse a
>subject to reach an absolute.
But in a previous post, wrote:
>A child of divorced parents has two parents.
>A child of a single parent has one parent.
HB, you don't get much more absolute than that. You've been around here
what? Two days? And already, you're contradicting yourself. If you have
any real interest in being heard here, you're going to have to work on
the credibility thing. Start by figuring out what your position is and
stick to it.
> You find my outlook distorted, but I find the divorced parent claiming to be a single
> parent even more distorted not to mention damaging to the children.
If you really believe that how we refer to ourselves has any bearing on
how our children grow up, you're out of touch with reality AND you're
wasting valuable time and energy arguing semantics.
> My definition of single parent is the same one used by state laws and a few moral and
> ethical points.
So what? HB, you're going to have to support your ideas better. If you
really believe that defining "single parent" has any real bearing on how
our children will turn out, give us reasons why. Why *do* you believe
that anyway?
> I am not angry. As a single parent I cannot possibly understand the anger most
> divorced parents feel toward their x-spouse. If I were divorced, I still would not
> understand the anger. If you stood eye level to your childen, perhaps you could see a
> different point of view.
No one who has read a single post of yours would believe that you're not
angry. So far, your total contribution to this newsgroup has been to
state your definition of what a single parent IS and ISN'T. There's got
to be more than a little anger there to argue so vehemently about
something of so little consequence.
It's not that I mind stirring things up, I just can't stand people
stirring things up for no good reason.
Robbin
----
Robbin Spoonamore Hubbard
http://php.indiana.edu/~rmhubbar
Larz Sterne
>HB, you don't get much more absolute than that. You've been around here
>what? Two days? And already, you're contradicting yourself. If you have
>any real interest in being heard here, you're going to have to work on
>the credibility thing. Start by figuring out what your position is and
>stick to it.
>
Hey HB while I disagree with your definition of single parenting, (I
am divorced and have a wife who i can't get to do the right things for
our daughter), I am raising her alone.So as far as I'm concerned I am
a single parent. I would like to warn you that the above post is
faulty If you want to be heard make sure your view is popular, not
consistent, My view in another thread(Single Mother withOUT custody)
has been consistent throughout yet I am drowned out by those who wish
to sympathise with the mother rather than the children. Take my advice
for what it's worth( and if you measure i's worth by my popularity in
this group then you wouldn't take it for anything.)Hope you have
better luck than me(BONUS TIP) get back on these peoples good side by
blasting me,(SUGGESTED COMMENTS)I am self riteous(sic) arrogant and
pompus,You'll be back in their good graces in no time, Oh and to truly
fit in be sure to include a note about how I am uselessly insulting
others after you have blasted me.Its' their style
Chin up and remember- these people's opinion's dont mean shit ( and I
am including my own) Do what's in your heart not what's on this screen
By the way the bank called, your reality check bounced.
Larz Sterne
Julie
You could always take your marbles and go home.
Julie
Dididiaz31
I wonder if he's a sheep farmer.....
:^)
Opus-
thusly:
>Julie,
>
>I wonder if he's a sheep farmer.....
>
>:^)
>
ROFLMAOPIMP
--
jbu...@remove.videonwave.com
(Jim, single dad to Lesleigh 04/20/94)
Your father was a hamster and your mother smelled
of elderberries!! Now go away or I shall taunt you
a second time!!
Julie
I was just wondering what that baaaaaa-d smell was, when I saw it.
;-)
Julie
Dididiaz31 wrote:
>
> Julie,
>
> I wonder if he's a sheep farmer.....
>
> :^)
>
Larz Sterne
>Julie,
>
>I wonder if he's a sheep farmer.....
>
Hey Didi does this now mean that youve decided to become a troll?
actually I work with schools.
Should I tell you how many times I've dealt with fathers who I've
called in to discuss why their child has come to school with severe
bruising and/or broken limbs a dozen times in one year, only to be
told that the child is clumsy?Should I go by my trained instinct and
report abuse or should i trust in the charming father before me and
risk attending a child's funeral before years end?
(and before anyone posts back that I'm exagerating on this point, let
me tell you that I have attended that funeral once before. The case
was much less clean cut than the example I gave above and i believed
the Dad. The child suffered a horrible death for my lapse in
judgement.)
And not quite as shocking but certainly more relevant to this debate
is how many mothers and fathers in divorce cases that I've had swear
to me convincingly that they were good and involved parents. And When
i contact the other parent, child and/or Guardian ad Litem I discover
that this "good and involved parent" hasn't seen the child in question
in months. The most extreme example is one "good and involved" dad who
I discovered wasn't allowed to see his daughter as part of his
conditions for bail while he was being investigated for molesting her.
I understand that you people feel such a deep and abiding love for
your children that you can't understand how anyone else can feel any
other way, and in many cases I see the problem with these parents
isn't that they don't love their children, It's that they have severe
emotional problems that make them express that love in violent, or
twisted way. However I will stress to you that I have never had a
single case where a parent admitted to me that they were bad parents
up front. So yes as a profesional habit I do read between the lines in
what I'm told by parents. And this woman's staments fit several key
themes for abandonment( although not all, I will admit that this is
not an exact science) and so I said some things in a harsher manner
than I am able to use in my profesional capacity.
So to all of you who were asking me to open my mind ,and or get a clue
I submit to you that an open mind is one that examines what it sees
and hears, and getting a clue involves examining both sides of an
issue. I have seen incredibly wonderful examples of parenting, and I
have seen parenting that can only describe as barbaric.So as to
weilding the Clue Bat let me tell you that I can put Mark Macguire to
shame with a Clue Bat
So yes maybe i am a cynic, however there is an old quote that says:
a cynic is what an optomist calls a realist
Oh and Julie.... your'e right I am a prickly bitch,never claimed
otherwise
By the way the truth bank called, your reality check bounced.
Larz Sterne
SoccerStepMom
Like you, I have seen several sides of this post-divorce parenting
thing. And I agree that it is in human nature to present the facts in a
way that makes the speaker show up at the one who is right. So we all
have to form our own opinions of the person we're talking, based on what
they have disclosed about themselves, and how they have conducted
themselves on the group.
People can be NCPs for a lot of reasons, fair and unfair, good and bad.
There are a lot of good parents of both genders who are NCPs. I for one
don't think you had enough evidence to draw and announce the conclusions
you did about this poster, but it is your right. But I was very sorry
to see the thread go the way it did, because you drove the original
poster away.
I wanted to get to know her. Moms who are NCP not by choice are rare,
and my stepkids have one. I really need to get to know some healthy
ones, so I can separate the behavior in my kids' biomom that is a normal
reaction of an unwilling NCP from the psychotic stuff.
Just wanted to add my .02. BTW, I live in Atlanta and I never
considered being called "Darlin'" by a colleague or other acquaintance
to be a term of endearment. I consider it a term of control and
marginalization used by some men to put women in their place. How would
you feel if some woman with whom you were competing for a job kept
referring to you in meetings as "Hotbuns" or "Big cucumber" or
somesuch?
SSM
Larz Sterne
>Just wanted to add my .02. BTW, I live in Atlanta and I never
>considered being called "Darlin'" by a colleague or other acquaintance
>to be a term of endearment. I consider it a term of control and
>marginalization used by some men to put women in their place. How would
>you feel if some woman with whom you were competing for a job kept
>referring to you in meetings as "Hotbuns" or "Big cucumber" or
>somesuch?
Remember Soccer stepmom I'm a guy if she called me big cucumber or
hotbuns I might ask her to marry me.LOL;-))
For a full commentary on this (and an apology ) please see my thank
you letter to you. As far as I'm concerned you can give me your .02
cents any time you want
You are a class act!
SoccerStepMom
>
> >Just wanted to add my .02. BTW, I live in Atlanta and I never
> >considered being called "Darlin'" by a colleague or other acquaintance
> >to be a term of endearment. I consider it a term of control and
> >marginalization used by some men to put women in their place. How would
> >you feel if some woman with whom you were competing for a job kept
> >referring to you in meetings as "Hotbuns" or "Big cucumber" or
> >somesuch?
>
> Remember Soccer stepmom I'm a guy if she called me big cucumber or
> hotbuns I might ask her to marry me.LOL;-))
And because so many men don't mean anything by it, I generally just
smile when I encounter it. But when I was a young hotshot, I used to
blow a gasket when some good ole boy would call me "Honey" or
"Darlin'". Ahhh, how times change... SSM
Dididiaz31
>
>I was just wondering what that baaaaaa-d smell was, when I saw it.
>
>;-)
>Julie
You're kidding??? Yikes, I guess that we'd better leave it alone. I just
always wonder with the way people can create aliases here with the flick of a
mouse. Especially when someone posts after creating their name only two days
before and creates such havoc. I guess that I am slowly learning.
Dididiaz31
Actually, Lars, if you'd been around awhile -- like most of us here -- you'd
know what that meant.
Believe it or not, we have many things in common, professionally, as I ran an
inpatient program for child abuse and neglect in this city -- I am very
familiar with the tragedies that children face all over the country and the
world. I have lectured to many city groups (police departments, fire
departments, school systems, DCFS, Boys and Girls Clubs, etc.) and have
presented at child welfare conferences as well. I have seen it all, treated it
all, done it all when it is concerned with maltreated children.
I am able to, however, separate the work that I have done from my personal life
with my children (except for the fact that I love them more deeply). If it
were not for being able to separate these issues, I would look at every adult
person in close contact with my children as a possible perpetrator. That would
be sick and an unhealthy way to raise my children. Instead, I teach my
children what is appropriate and inappropriate and encourage an open line of
communication within my family system. That is how I am able to maintain an
open, nonjudgemental mind about my parenting style versus the style of and
decisions made by other parents.
A mother who decides and/or agrees that the father is a better CP is not
necessarily the moms that I worked with who were prostituting themselves in
front of their children -- or worse yet prostituting their children -- or the
moms who were getting high rather than feeding their children, etc. It is not
my place to lay judgement on them for making a very difficult decision -- one
that I could never have done. Now, if their child should show up in my
professional care, for whatever reason, look out -- I'll be the first to stand
up for the rights of children.
I hope that the original poster is simply lurking and that she will post again.
No parent should feel intimidated to post here, and I would be interested to
hear her feedback.
Dididiaz31
being called "Darlin'" by a colleague or other acquaintance
to be a term of endearment. I consider it a term of control and
marginalization used by some men to put women in their place.
I agree, SSM. My father lives in the South -- has for a very long time -- and
he would never think to call a woman "Darlin", especially one that he does not
know, personally. I think that Lars is dancing around this because he knows
that it was inappropriate and a futile attempt to put me in my place. I would
have much more respect for him, as a person, if her were able to take
responsibility for this. But, I guess that I would sooner see pigs fly (isn't
that a southern expression?) than to get a legitimate apology from him.
Peter F. DeMos
> Believe it or not, we have many things in common, professionally,
I for one, will never believe it till it's the cover story on Newsweek.
"Larz's" writing style is that of a 15 yo troll. At best he's an angry 28
yo janitor. "Therapists" or school psychologists never speak in the
phrasiology he demonstrates, with the vitriol and bile he exuded. The
"conciliatory" phase he's participating in is part of the game, in my own
long experience.
Do school professionals really call women "prickly bi*ches" in newsgroups
they *just* started posting on? In their own name? Do they really scream
"a*shole!" and "fu*k?" Not where I come from.
A janitor might, but never a professional.
janelaw
I know this wasn't your point, but I think you are being a
little unfair to school janitors.
Dididiaz31
>they *just* started posting on? In their own name? Do they really scream
>"a*shole!" and "fu*k?" Not where I come from.
>
>A janitor might, but never a professional.
>
>peterd
Once again, Peter.....you're right. I wish that I didn't let him bait me as
such.
I'll learn...I promise....
Mary Jo Sterns
being part of that " good ole boys" network, they do to this day refer to
women as "darlin" and "sweetheart". In fact they use these terms more on
women they dont know than those they do!
Now I admit they are wrong to do it and are constantly told that... but
they are of a different generation!
Perhaps our Lars is just a "big ole boy", from the wrong side of the
tracks!
MJ
Dididiaz31 <didid...@aol.com> wrote in article
<199809131947...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...
> >Just wanted to add my .02. BTW, I live in Atlanta and I never
considered
> being called "Darlin'" by a colleague or other acquaintance
> to be a term of endearment. I consider it a term of control and
> marginalization used by some men to put women in their place.
>
> I agree, SSM. My father lives in the South -- has for a very long time
-- and
> he would never think to call a woman "Darlin", especially one that he
does not
> know, personally. I think that Lars is dancing around this because he
knows
> that it was inappropriate and a futile attempt to put me in my place. I
would
> have much more respect for him, as a person, if her were able to take
> responsibility for this. But, I guess that I would sooner see pigs fly
(isn't
> that a southern expression?) than to get a legitimate apology from him.
>
Julie
as well!
There have only been two posts over there so far, of the hit and run
variety. Go figure.
Julie >crossing her fingers... ;-)
Dididiaz31 wrote:
>
> >Shhhhhhhh....<whispering> he just posted over in a.s.d.
> >
> >I was just wondering what that baaaaaa-d smell was, when I saw it.
> >
> >;-)
> >Julie
>
> You're kidding??? Yikes, I guess that we'd better leave it alone. I just
> always wonder with the way people can create aliases here with the flick of a
> mouse. Especially when someone posts after creating their name only two days
> before and creates such havoc. I guess that I am slowly learning.
>
Peter F. DeMos
> His grammar and punctuation do not suggest that of an educated professional,
> either. Peter, you are all too wise once again....
You just bowl me over with your insight sometimes, pumpkin :-)
Gad, I repeat: I'm sure glad you're 2000 miles away. Or I'm not. Help me
out here please. Which was it?
:-)
Peter F. DeMos
> I know this wasn't your point, but I think you are being a
> little unfair to school janitors.
I'm about the most non-PC person you'll ever meet, jane. I'm sorry if it
"looked" unbecoming. But as you pointed out, the message came across. I
could have said "he could be a _____________, but not a school
professional"? Edumacated, educated, and adolescent-like all have pretty
easy lines for me to differentiate one from the other.
You might be surprised, but I have no "african-american" friends either.
Many black friends, but not one of them is "african-american."
Larz Sterne
>:) I sometimes wonder why they aren't smart enough to change their email
>as well!
>
>There have only been two posts over there so far, of the hit and run
>variety. Go figure.
>
>Julie >crossing her fingers... ;-)
>
>Dididiaz31 wrote:
>>
>> >Shhhhhhhh....<whispering> he just posted over in a.s.d.
>> >
>> >I was just wondering what that baaaaaa-d smell was, when I saw it.
>> >
>> >;-)
>> >Julie
>>
>> You're kidding??? Yikes, I guess that we'd better leave it alone. I just
>> always wonder with the way people can create aliases here with the flick of a
>> mouse. Especially when someone posts after creating their name only two days
>> before and creates such havoc. I guess that I am slowly learning.
>>
Actually If you would go read my post over in
alt.dads-rights.unmoderated instead of flaming me for posting at all
you would discover that my post was a response to a man who
anonomously announced that he was planning to flee the country with
his child because he didn't like the court ordered custody situation.
He was asking for advice how to do it. I advised him not to do it.
I have seen just how badly that kind of thing works out.
And yes I am well aware of how to change my posting name and e-mail
address. But I don't run from words.
And Didi a troll is someone who posts a message just to stir up
trouble or an argument. and posting a message asking if Im a sheep
farmer definitely qualifies. Was it funny? yes Was it a legitimate
tactic of debate? No
Maybe we should all learn a lesson from Soccer stepmom and back away
from the childishness of recent posts.
Julie
I'm not concerned with where you post, we were referring to someone
else. It's not *all* about you :-)
Julie
Larz Sterne
>I for one, will never believe it till it's the cover story on Newsweek.
>"Larz's" writing style is that of a 15 yo troll. At best he's an angry 28
>yo janitor. "Therapists" or school psychologists never speak in the
>phrasiology he demonstrates, with the vitriol and bile he exuded. The
>"conciliatory" phase he's participating in is part of the game, in my own
>long experience.
>
>Do school professionals really call women "prickly bi*ches" in newsgroups
>they *just* started posting on? In their own name? Do they really scream
>"a*shole!" and "fu*k?" Not where I come from.
>
>A janitor might, but never a professional.
>
Petered what long experience do you have with me ? would it help you
to know that I also served in the Navy and that that the term "curse
like a sailor" was invented for a reason. As I said above I did indeed
use lanuage and terms in my original post that I would never use in my
profesional capacity. Would it shock you to know that I have a
psychiatrist friend who, in private life refers to his group of
patients as "the nut jobs"? And I would be suprised if O.J's legal
team didn't privately refer to him as"the murdering scumbag". I know
quitea few public defenders who call most of their client's just that.
the fact is that many trained profesionals do indeed privately use
terms that would be forbidden in a professional capacity and if you
read my recent letter to Soccer stepmom you will see that I am very
civil and kind to those who debate me with valid points rather than
useless insults.
and another poster had a good point. It is insulting to others that
you automatically assume that anyone who works as a janitor is stupid.
Some people out there do that kind of job because they couldn't afford
the kind of education neccesary to get a better job.I realize that the
poster was actually taking another jab at me, but that makes the point
no less valid. If you wish to say that I am an unprofesional moron.
Then do so.but don't use a blanket insult to people who are working
their butts off in a hard and dirty and unrewarding job just to put
food on their families table.
Maybe that open mind of yours is just a little more closed than you
think.
Dididiaz31
>I'm not concerned with where you post, we were referring to someone
>else. It's not *all* about you :-)
>
>Julie
Julie,
See how some people think that everything revolves around them? How
egocentric....
Dididiaz31
His grammar and punctuation do not suggest that of an educated professional,
either. Peter, you are all too wise once again....
Didi, single mother to Caitlin, 9, Patrick, 7, and Meagan, 4.
Larz Sterne
>Larz,
>I'm not concerned with where you post, we were referring to someone
>else. It's not *all* about you :-)
>
>Julie
>
>Larz Sterne wrote:
>>
>> Julie <jul...@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>>
>> >:) I sometimes wonder why they aren't smart enough to change their email
>> >as well!
>> >
>> >There have only been two posts over there so far, of the hit and run
>> >variety. Go figure.
>> >
>> >Julie >crossing her fingers... ;-)
>> >
>> >Dididiaz31 wrote:
>> >>
>> >> >Shhhhhhhh....<whispering> he just posted over in a.s.d.
>> >> >
>> >> >I was just wondering what that baaaaaa-d smell was, when I saw it.
>> >> >
sorry your right I was getting paranoid but the post came in the
middle of several posts slamming me and I had just posted in the
dads-rights newsgroup trying to convince a dad not to flee the country
with his child. As in this case so many of our problems have come from
miscommunication(and your right people, if it weren't for the
spellchecker function in Word 97 , as well as an incredibly talented
and patient secretary, i would be sunk professionaly)
Dididiaz31
>out here please. Which was it?
>
>:-)
>
>peterd
I thought that you were disappointed that we live so far away......
Opus-
thusly:
>>Gad, I repeat: I'm sure glad you're 2000 miles away. Or I'm not. Help me
>>out here please. Which was it?
>>
>>:-)
>>
>>peterd
>
>I thought that you were disappointed that we live so far away......
I know *I* am......*sniff*
Larz Sterne
>Just to be difficult.. I know people in both South Carolina and Texas. And
>being part of that " good ole boys" network, they do to this day refer to
>women as "darlin" and "sweetheart". In fact they use these terms more on
>women they dont know than those they do!
>Now I admit they are wrong to do it and are constantly told that... but
>they are of a different generation!
>Perhaps our Lars is just a "big ole boy", from the wrong side of the
>tracks!
Actually Mary Jo you are pretty close to right there. Even I consider
"sweetheart" over the top( down south that makes me a progressive)
but in fact darlin is really used as a substitute pronoun for an
unknown female as you suggested. As for me being part of the "good ole
boys" network, I WISH it would make my job so much easier.
especially if the good ol boys network were as solid and realistic
as popular culture would have you believe
and for everyones information I have never been told it was wrong by
anyone until it came up in this newsgroup. when i told my boss about
it the next day he recalled one phone conversation, several years ago
when a woman got offended about the same kind of thing(except he uses
honey instead of darlin) But in 20 years of his job that is the sole
example he could recall. As I have freely admitted it was wrong for
this newsgroup and I will refrain from using it here, but I'm only 27
how could I be from a different generation?
And since I'm approaching thirty and getting the mid-life spread a
little early let's lay off the "big-ol-boy" comments ;-))LOL
Look guys if you'll read the thank you Soccer Stepmom thread you'll
see that i really am trying to show yall that I am not posting here to
start fights. Unfortunately I did just that (start a fight) by going
way beyond the pale in one of my early posts here, and i didn't help
that image by viciously attacking some of the people who savaged my
original post.
Indeed I am a sharp tongued and sarcastic person, and I tend to forget
that the humor that endears me to people in my real life is taken
badly when someone can't see the visual clues that i am kidding.
I presented myself badly in my initial posts becase i let my anger get
the better of me and I let my profesional life bleed into my personal
life without using my profesional emotion screens, Didi you were right
there.
I would like to make this better. of course i realize Petered will
claim once again that I am just lulling you in order to attack (and I
will give him ammunition for that argument again soon, since I will
stand against any opinion i disagree with, despite it's likeleyhood to
look bad) but in the future i will try to be more politic in my
disagreements. i realize that i am a little stiffer that the average
poster here in my views on personal responsibility, but in the future
i promise to be more civil.
darl...@hotmail.com
It won't allow anyone to control me:)
Darlin'62
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janelaw
>
>
> You might be surprised, but I have no "african-american" friends either.
> Many black friends, but not one of them is "african-american."
>
> :-)
>
> peterd
You might be surprised, but I am not the PC police.
I did, however, feel obliged to stand up for Andy, our high
school janitor, who left the basement door ajar when we went out
to sneak a smoke.
Jane
P.S. I have black friends too.
janelaw
>
>
> and another poster had a good point. It is insulting to others that
> you automatically assume that anyone who works as a janitor is stupid.
> Some people out there do that kind of job because they couldn't afford
> the kind of education neccesary to get a better job.I realize that the
Geez, Louise! All I did was stick up for janitors.
Larz Sterne
>I don't mind being called Darlin'
>It won't allow anyone to control me:)
>
That's the right attitude. it does not matter what anybody calls you,
it's how you feel about yourself that's important. I can't control you
unless you let me.
Peter F. DeMos
> I thought that you were disappointed that we live so far away......
Ayup, that was it! Just realize, this is all really new ground to me :-)
To wit, I notice that I'm still having probs getting "connected" with
anyone emotionally. I blew off a date on Saturday for a number of reasons.
Nice gal, I really like/d her. Real good lookin' black gal with three kids
16/9/5 which was difficult for me. She didn't want to do things together
with families, wanted us to just go out. I'm still so new to this that I
don't really want to be away from the girls *that* much.
She lives about 50 miles north of us, but my work is about 40 miles north,
so she was very close to my work. She had gotten tickets to Man of La
Mancha, which was even further north. Because she has kept our kids apart
from each other, I would have had to get a babysitter or have them spend
the night somewhere, cuz I wasn't getting out of the play till 10:30 and I
figured 12:30 was the closest I could even dream about getting home by.
I had experienced other feelings of... frustration? Suffocation? Because
of the distance, coupled with a pretty consistent subtle pressure on her
end that she *really* liked me. I liked her, but I just didn't see it
going anywhere cuz of the distance and her stand with the kids. Plus the
ages of her kids made it difficult enough anyway, considering mine are 4
and 6. Not a lot for the her two older ones to relate to, eh?
So, how have others dealt with that "it can't go anywhere" feeling? I've
heard the "just have fun" advocates, and initially that's what I did. But
it had gotten to a point of "I want to see you more" and I didn't have it
in me. My kids still are more important to me than *maybe* hooking up with
someone, maybe not. I'm not looking to get laid (as most here know :-) ),
I'm not looking for a marriage (HEANVENS NO!!! :-) ). I'm looking for fun,
but no pressure. No pressure to have sex, no pressure to "be there" for
the other person. I think a date once a week with the same person would be
too much for me at this point, maybe not. Couple these things together, I
almost think I'm st00pid to be *doing* the dating. I'm dating.... why? Cuz
I think I should be? Cuz *others* think I should be? Cuz I'd really *like*
to find a "soulmate" again, and just don't know it? Sheesh, I don't
know...
Plus, the frustration of a one hour drive time. The age differences in
kids. The reluctance of the other person to introduce the kids to each
other. How have others dealt with these issues?
Thanks,
Mary Jo Sterns
mentioned.
I will say that I think we as "single parents who dont get out much" tend
to get very comfortable and in a rut. We do not want to make a great
effort. Maybe we just are subconciously afraid of getting hurt.
I know for myself I am in the process of forcing myself to go out (not sure
where yet) and meet people, in particular men.
It is very easy to stay home and be with the children, esp with yours
being still young. Now that my daughter is 9, she is getting her own life.
I need to do that as well. Otherwise I think that there is a chance I will
become a very cranky and lonely and try to live my life thru my daughter.
So yes, we need to go out on dates that can just be fun and not necessarily
go anywhere relationship wise. But I hear you when you say that you also
want more too. It is tough.
My thoughts..
MJ
Peter wrote..
pet...@peterd.com
> Maybe we just are subconciously afraid of getting hurt.
I'm sure that's part of it, for me.
> I know for myself I am in the process of forcing myself to go out (not sure
> where yet) and meet people, in particular men.
Meeting people has never bean an issue for me, as I'm sure you could guess :-)
I'm sort of a yakyakyak guy... It's getting past the third or fourth date.
> It is very easy to stay home and be with the children, esp with yours
> being still young.
Very easy. And I'm sure that most of the time, I'm absolutely correct in
putting them first. At this age. But...
> Now that my daughter is 9, she is getting her own life.
As will mine. But until then, I don't relish the idea of leaving them at 4 or
5 PM somewhere, or with someone, and not getting home till 1 or 2 in the AM.
> I need to do that as well.
I agree. I'm just not how sure I need to do that now. I think that may be one
of the reasons I find didi, and one or two others here, so attractive. They
seem *really* squared away, a lot of fun, and there is some common bond
including our children. I have no doubt that Didi, were we to be in close
distance to each other, would have met my daughters by now, as me her kids.
When my kids are left out of the equation, I lose interest, seemingly fairly
quickly.
But how much of the "attraction" is due to the distance? I don't know.
Hopefully it's not as much as I fear :-) Heck I'd *love* to fly on out to
Chicager, or Indiana, and meet. It would be safe! I wouldn't feel the
pressure of having to be there at least once a week, cuz I couldn't be,
logistically.
But... what if *I* were to start wanting more........ That's part of the
scary.
> So yes, we need to go out on dates that can just be fun and not necessarily
> go anywhere relationship wise. But I hear you when you say that you also
> want more too. It is tough.
I have known very few women that didn't start wanting more, fairly soon. Why
that is I don't know, I just know that within 3 or 4 dates I invariably feel
them "moving in". Except in the one case, this summer, where I was dumped.
DUMPED! peterd!! Can you imagine?!?!?!
It was probably good for me :-)
peterd
--The original peterd. Accept no substitutes.--
http://www.peterd.com
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Dididiaz31
Remember that guy that I was dating that had the overindulged child? When I
was asking about limit setting? Well, I took mcuh of the advice given, and I
talked with him. I let him know how I felt about the inconsistencies, about
how his lack of limit setting affected me and my children, about everything.
He actually listened to me -- I was so surprised. he then started to make some
changes in the way that he allowed her to behave when we get the children
together. Yesterday, I noticed a book on setting effective limits on your
child sitting on his kitchen counter. He is making
a terrific effort. She, too, seems to be trying hard when we are all together,
and my children appreciate that all of the rules are the same for everyone.
Things have been 100% improved, and we have been getting along great! I feel
lucky to have received such good advice here, and I feel very fortunate that it
worked!
Keep your chin up -- there will be the right one for you out there, and when it
is "right". you will know it!
Dididiaz31
would have met my daughters by now, as me her kids.
I don't doubt this either!! We would have a lot of fun with all of our crew!
>Heck I'd *love* to fly on out to Chicager, or Indiana, and meet. It would be
safe! I wouldn't feel the pressure of having to be there at least once a week,
cuz I couldn't be, logistically.
You should plan a road trip with the kids and come out here for a visit! It
would be a lot of fun, and I bet that your children haven't seen much snow!
>But... what if *I* were to start wanting more........ That's part of the
scary.
I'll cast a spell on you...... :^)
Robbin Spoonamore Hubbard
<snip>
> Plus, the frustration of a one hour drive time. The age differences in
> kids. The reluctance of the other person to introduce the kids to each
> other. How have others dealt with these issues?
Peter, man, I feel your pain. ;-)
Seriously, though, you've got to *want* to deal with these issues - it
sounds like you don't, and that says something. Maybe it's just not
there for you, maybe you really *are* afraid, maybe she's just going too
fast, maybe she's pressuring you. I do think it's important to get a
handle on what the "real" issue is (which might mean more work and might
not), otherwise, you might forever rule out women who live more than an
hour away or who have children older than yours, all for the wrong
reasons, and that wouldn't be good at all!
[Side note: Age differences don't necessarily mean that children will be
incompatible. I've dated men with much older and much younger children
and when I think of the one boy that my kids really bonded with (and are
in fact still friends with) the several years' age difference didn't
matter at all. Their compatibility had to do with them being similar
spirits. Similarly, distance is an issue only if you make it into one -
people can and do work around these things.]
Anyway, after having dated - alot - over the past couple of years, I'm
more than familiar with that "it can't go anywhere" feeling, and don't
waste much time once I've gotten it. By the same token, if I'm fortunate
enough to ever get that "this has just GOT to go somewhere!" feeling,
I'm not going to sweat anything that could be workable.
Maybe that's how we'll know when we've found The One - when everything
seems "doable!" You think?
Rob
----
Robbin Spoonamore Hubbard
http://php.indiana.edu/~rmhubbar
orstatemom
able to get this far. I still wonder after 7 years if I should think about
dating...now that is having problems getting connected!
I have 8 & 9 yo girls, then 3 to 5 other foster teens and if I can't scare the
suitors off well enough myself all I have to do is mention all the kids.
Time for counseling you think? LOL....at myself. I also hate leaving mine
for any length of time. I have to leave one weekend a month to have rest and
relaxation....I was bored stiff! I am certainly going to take at least my 2
girls next time.
So, hope you feel better knowing there is at least one person out there more
mixed up than you! ;o)
Pat Schaffner
Peter F. DeMos wrote:
> To wit, I notice that I'm still having probs getting "connected" with
> anyone emotionally.
> I don't really want to be away from the girls *that* much.
>
> Couple these things together, I almost think I'm st00pid to be *doing* the
> dating. I'm dating.... why? Cuz I think I should be? Cuz *others* think I
> should be? Cuz I'd really *like*
> to find a "soulmate" again, and just don't know it? Sheesh, I don't
> know...
>
> Thanks,
Cici in Texas
>darl...@hotmail.com wrote:
>
>>I don't mind being called Darlin'
>>It won't allow anyone to control me:)
>That's the right attitude. it does not matter what anybody calls you,
>it's how you feel about yourself that's important. I can't control you
>unless you let me.
>Larz Sterne
Just one comment on all this Darlin' stuff -- a quick way to
find out whether or not the endearments are a power play are
to use them yourself. If a man doesn't mind being called
'honey' or 'sugar' (etc., etc.), it's a friendly habit, just
let it slide. If he gets offended and starts to puff up,
it's a power play. The same would apply to women who call
people 'sweetie' and such to demean them, especially those
who do it in that incredibly irritating molasses-laced-with-
acid voice. It's the voice that makes *me* feel like
slapping people. Just call people like that 'honeybunch'
and then watch their faces. <EG>
Cici in Texas
(Remove xspam from address to reply)
SoccerStepMom
Very sound advice! I may find an opportunity to try it one of these
days, as I work with a bunch of Good Ole Boys! SSM
Larz Sterne
I agree as well and in fact I looove being called darlin.It sure beats
what I've been called lately (And SSM I would love to be there when
you call some of those good ole boys that, but I'd prefer to hear you
use the Big Cucumber one, It's much funnier)
Remember Guys... It's easy to become a father. It's important to become a DAD!
Larz Sterne