Single dad
shellrj
6 months old. I have never received child support from his mom and she has
not even tried to see him sense he was under a year old he is asking about
his mom and wants to meet her. I do not know if I should do this what do
you all think. Thanks Ron
Julie
This is tough, Ron. Do you know where she is or how to contact her? I
would hesitate to expose my child to someone who has shown absolutely no
interest in parenting, but then again a child's parent is important.
Is there anything that would indicate meeting her could be harmful or
dangerous to him?
Julie
incognita
dadand1
relationship between parent and child is exactly that, between parent and
child. If there is a meeting between mother and son, I believe your son will
question her abscence and decide for himself what is what. You must give him
the opportunity if you can. I would even go so far as to try to get them
together were I you. I think this is important to the child.
shellrj wrote in message <35eb0...@news.mountain.net>...
Jeff.
Welcome to you on this great list.
Listen. Why don't you begin by finding out what she is up to and what kind of
life style she is on.
This I think will allow you and your son for a better aproach as I strongly
believe that he has the right to know her and he will make his own deduction.
This also will bring him some important peace of mind and he will then
understand the real situation since he only knows one side of the story.
He will be able to move one with his staff and you would have accomplished you
job.
I believe that it is also your job to prepare the mother (to be) so as she is
well aware of what you agree and do not agree for the education and so on. Try
to keep her as a sleeping partner in his education for the time being until he
and yourself has full knowledge of her life style, point of view and all the
important factors.
This is some of the important steps I would personally take.
Take and leave what you think.
Happy hunting and good luck.
PS. It would be very nice to have a feed back from you all and know what did
work or not for you on our suggestions.
Jeff.
Eric Rosenburg
My only advise is to let sleeping dogs lie. Explain to your son that she
is obviously not concerned with his or your life, and that finding her may
only lead to hurt. For instance, if you go through the trouble of finding
her and she holds animosity toward your son. Remember that there are now
laws which will inhibit dead beat PARENTS (My ex-wife doesn't pay CS
either) from getting loans and such. This may be a motivating factor for
her potential animosity. I would save YOUR time and money (remember she
hasn't paid a dime for the child), and I'd spend the time and money on the
boy. I feel if she hasn't been in contact or shown the responsibility to
let her whereabouts known, then let it rest. Stay away from opening
Pandora's Box.
Eric
shellrj <she...@access.mountain.net> wrote in article
<35eb0...@news.mountain.net>...
Kse63
>My only advise is to let sleeping dogs lie. Explain to your son that she
>is obviously not concerned with his or your life, and that finding her may
>only lead to hurt.
No no no - don't say this to your son, it is biased, and it is prejudicial, and
kids can't and shouldn't have to handle that kind of negative attitude. IF you
want to tell the boy Mom's not interested, use words that aren't hurtful to Jr.
or potentially Mom. "I don't know why Mommy doesn't want to spend time with
you, but I love the extra time it gives us" or "I don't know why Mommy chooses
not to see you right now, but boy is she missing out!" NO bias against Mom for
the kid to process later - let him make his own determinations about her in his
own time with his own information, not yours!
K
"Never above you. Never below you. Always beside you."
---Walter Winchell
dadand1
finds out differently later then YOU become the bad guy. You cannot force a
relationship. It is Moms job to explain the abscence. "I don't know why" is
a valid response and the truth.
Kse63 wrote in message <199809041224...@ladder03.news.aol.com>...
>Eric Wrote:
(snipped)
Eric Rosenburg
in my situation, the mother hurt the child (physically and mentally) prior
to the separation. If I was in a more "typical" divorce situation, then I
would be thinking along those lines. You all know how we "caring" parents
feel about our children when it comes to someone hurting them. I guess I
still have a bunch of stored aggression and anger due to the things that
were done to the child. I realize that my opinion is prejudicial, but
facts are facts. It's not prejudice if it's a fact (remembering, of
course, that fact is the enemy of individual truth).
Now that my son is in school, he has been asking why he's the only person
without a mom. I'm not going to lie to the child about anything in his
life. Harsh reality is cruel enough that building false hopes and the like
is a disservice to a child (my opinion mind you). She knows where the
child is. She knows what she did, and when the child is old enough, he'll
have the opportunity to read the police reports. Yes, reports....plural.
Anyone who puts drugs and partying in front of the responsibility and duty
of raising a child, should be.....well I'll let you figure that one out.
I hope you can have somewhat of a better grasp of where my opinion has been
drawn from. I can only pray that nobody else has to endure the pure hell
that this child went through. By the way, he's very intelligent and
caring. He's not violent, vulgar, or just plain abusive like some children
I've seen. I must be doing something right.
Eric
Winter QQ
My view is that you absolutely should support and encourage him to see his
mother as long
as she is not so unstable that she cannot be trusted with him. If however she
wants regular
visitations then I believe that she should request that formally to your lawyer
. not to
be punitive but just to more formally nail
down the arrangement and to figure out what
she is all about. the burden is on her. not you.
In regard to her sharing in education decisions
and all of that, I see no role for her whatsoever
other than the fact that you might listen to her
if she makes sense, but you should be the sole
decisionmaker. I cannot see anything other than sole custody when the other
parent is essentially missing or has been missing.
There is no relationship whatsoever between
child support payments and whether or not
a person is paid up and whether or not they
get to see their child. they are totally unrelated.
There are plenty of reasons why this mother
should or should not have access to her child but child support is not a
factor.
On the other hand child support is an important factor in its own right. If she
has anything that
even looks like a job you should move for child support, again not as a
punitive thing but
because you are raising her child and she needs to help with the support.
The logistics of his seeing her are delicate
and take some planning to determine whether
a supervised visit or the like will occur. You
should support her if she is on the level but
she needs to do some work to show her intent
and sincerity.
The mother should not be punished for coming
back into his life or for having been gone.
On the other hand as a single father who has
been harassed by the legal system endlessly,
I can tell you that , if given half a chance, society will try to treat you
like some frigging
placeholder who is just there to take care of
the kids until the preferred parent redeems
herself. Watch out for that. Talk softly but
carry a big legal stick
.
my view........Winter
janelaw
>
> Every child has a curiosity about the absent parent. If you
> prevent your son from meeting his Mother, he will surely
> resent you. I did not pursue my Daughter's Father for the
> first 7 years of her life. I thought we were better off
> without him especially since he never tried to contact us or
> help us. Then My Father died. I began to see things a little
> differently. I realized that when it came to my Daughter's
> Father, he was exactly that...her Father. For all the
> bitterness and resentment I may have felt for him, my Daughter
> had to have her own relationship with her Dad. If your Son's
> Mother chooses not to meet with or foster a relationship with
> him, then he will know that you tried and he will know where
> he stands with her. Good luck. It's not easy.
>
> shellrj wrote:
>
> > him sense he was
> > 6 months old. I have never received child support from his
> > mom and she has
> > not even tried to see him sense he was under a year old he
> > is asking about
> > his mom and wants to meet her. I do not know if I should do
> > this what do
> > you all think. Thanks Ron
>
>
you that he is ready for this. His courage amazes me. In a
way, he is facing the ultimate rejection and his greatest fear.
His friends' mothers love them enough to live with them, love
them, and do a million things for them. Your son sees you doing
these things, but he also sees that his mother is not. He wants
to know why.
No matter how happy, healthy, and secure your child is, there is
always that niggling doubt. Why doesn't his mother love him
like the other kids' mothers do? Is it because he is not good
enough to love? Is it because she is crazy or evil? If his
mother is crazy or evil, doesn't that mean he is too?
I have this theory about kids and their parents. When they are
babies and toddlers, kids see their parents as giants, gods.
They cannot believe that they will ever be as big, powerful, and
intelligent as their parents. Getting to be as great as their
parents is their only goal. As kids grow up, they continue to
see their parents as the ultimate limit of what they can be and
accomplish. If either parent is diminished in the child's eyes,
it lessens his own potential, what he believes he can be and
strives for. Of course, then they hit their teens, and all hell
breaks loose.
My advice is to support your son in his search for his mother's
love. Put ALL your personal resentment toward the ex out of
your mind. Forget child support. Forget her abandonment.
Prepare yourself for the possibility that he will deeply love
the woman who left you holding the bag, changing the diapers,
rushing to the emergency room, doing the homework, etc., for 10
f***ing years without a dime of support or a god-damned phone
call. Then go further: encourage him to accept and love her as
she is.
Don't let it bother you if he goes through a period of blaming
you for the estrangement. He may need to do this to accept her
abandonment. What your son wants to find is a wonderful mother
who always adored him, but was kept away by circumstances beyond
her control. You are an obvious choice for the obstruction.
Don't worry. Your relationship can take it. He knows in his
heart who has been there. The more willing you are to share him
now, the less he will believe that you were responsible for
their decade apart. Besides, I am sure that in retrospect you
see things that you would do differently now than you did 10
years ago. Didn't you ever wonder if maybe you should have sent
her pictures, encouraged him to call?
Of course, if mom is a real piece of work, you will have to help
him with that too. If she refuses to see him, tell him that for
some reason she can't bring herself to deal with this yet.
Explain that she may not feel strong enough, that seeing him
might be more painful than she can handle. Maybe she feels too
guilty or too resentful. Suggest explanations that do not
diminish your ex or your son. I don't think you can leave him
hanging with just an "I don't know," though. Do the stuff you
do when he asks why his best friend Johnny went to Alex's house
to play without asking him.
Well, that's my take on it. Good luck with your brave little
boy.