Back to cutting
lisa in mass.
thoughts for quite awhile, which seems worth it sometimes. I
didn't call crisis once, which is against my safety contract,
but I knew I'd get the woman who only makes things worse. She
seems to run the phones 3-11, at least on weekdays.
It's been t-shirt weather the past few days and I've been
wearing my winter shirts. At least it's supposed to cool down
starting tomorrow, so long sleeves won't look so out of place.
At least I think the depression's getting better. I went from
being numb to feeling really bad, which I think is a step in the
right direction, as much as I wish I could skip it. Maybe in a
couple more weeks things will be better and I'll stop cutting.
-lisa
slunky
Hope you aren't feeling guilty about it. We try to think of it as coping
the best way we know how.
--
-slunky
lisa in mass.
Not feeling guilty, just wishing I could hide it from Joe (my
husband) because I know how much it upsets him. I'm sure he
saw it (bandaged) this morning. I was mostly sleeping and
forgot and stretched out that arm. Better than his seeing the
cuts themselves, I guess.
slunky
> husband) because I know how much it upsets him. I'm sure he
> saw it (bandaged) this morning. I was mostly sleeping and
> forgot and stretched out that arm. Better than his seeing the
> cuts themselves, I guess.
When my wife came back, she flipped about my arms (They're covered in
cuts) and I have stitches in my right arm. She tried making me feel bad,
but I don't. Cutting my talking to my therpist is all that's keeping me
afloat.
--
-slunky
Emily
Hadn't heard much from you lisa, was hoping you were all right. Bummer
about the cutting, but if it gets you through...
I'm glad the depression seems to be lifting. I wish you didn't have to
go through the feeling really bad before feeling better, but I
understand how that happens as the numbness lifts.
I'm thinking of you, and hang in there. I do wish partial would have an
earlier opening for you, but hopefully it will still be useful for you
in a week or two when there is an opening.
Emily
lisa in mass.
That's why I'm not feeling too guilty. Joe wouldn't try to guilt
me out about my cutting, but I know it's hard for him to see, so
I hide it as best I can. I'm using over-sized bandaids right now
instead of gauze because the bandaids blend in better. Gauze
screams of cutting.
It sucks that your wife wants you to feel bad about it. If
anyone's going to guilt us, it's us, though we're not now. The
only time in the past few years that Joe's mentioned my cuts was
when one on my leg was taking a long time to heal.
-lisa
slunky
> me out about my cutting, but I know it's hard for him to see, so
> I hide it as best I can. I'm using over-sized bandaids right now
> instead of gauze because the bandaids blend in better. Gauze
> screams of cutting.
It's hard for my mom to see, and it makes me feel really bad to know
that. I lie to her, but she knows what I'm doing. Things are going
downhill with her lately though, so it's becoming less of an issue the
more I stay away from her.
> It sucks that your wife wants you to feel bad about it. If
> anyone's going to guilt us, it's us, though we're not now. The
> only time in the past few years that Joe's mentioned my cuts was
> when one on my leg was taking a long time to heal.
It doesn't bother me much since she'll be gone again soon enough and
considering her bahavior over the past two years, and I'm even starting
to not care either way because the scarring is so promienent. They
mostly aren't keiloids, but they're a different color, and it almost
looks like patches of pink in the healed places.
--
-slunky
lisa in mass.
Thank you, Emily. I appreciate the thoughts when you've been
going through so much, yourself.
I should start partial in a week. They're at absolute max
capacity now, and I have to wait for some people to graduate.
I hope it's a lot of people. 24 is too many for reasonable
groups, even if everyone's not there on a given day. Yesterday
they had 19 show up.
I'm mostly ok. Cutting helps when nothing else I knew to do
would. After 3 years of DBT, first the class, then an advanced
applied group, I have lots of skills to draw on, but none of
them were helping me get through this when cutting can. I
don't think it's going to be too hard to stop when the time
comes, since it's pretty purposeful and the situation is going
to improve. At least I hope that's the way it will go.
-lisa
lisa in mass.
> It's hard for my mom to see, and it makes me feel really
> bad to know that. I lie to her, but she knows what I'm
> doing. Things are going downhill with her lately though, so
> it's becoming less of an issue the more I stay away from
> her.
Sorry things aren't good between you and your Mom. I know what
a help she's been for you with your daughter, and it would be
great if you got along well.
> It doesn't bother me much since she'll be gone again soon
> enough and considering her bahavior over the past two
> years, and I'm even starting to not care either way because
> the scarring is so promienent. They mostly aren't keiloids,
> but they're a different color, and it almost looks like
> patches of pink in the healed places.
I've got a few pinkish keloids from high school. Mostly
they're just white scars now, though somewhat raised. In the
light, you can see that there's thousands of them, mostly very
fine. Unless I have fresh cuts, I usually don't mind having my
arms exposed. I just let people think what they might. Every
so often a nurse asks about the scars. You'd think they'd
know. I do try to hide them from my son's martial arts
teacher, since he used to be a paramedic and don't want him to
think of me as a nutcase. And I still haven't explained it to
my younger son. Aside from them, I really don't care.
slunky
> a help she's been for you with your daughter, and it would be
> great if you got along well.
That's part of the problem. She's become all high and mighty for helping
us out. So now we're just steering clear of all of that. Latest thing
was she was withholding my daughter's social security check from us
until she got to see her. I threatened to call SSA and tell them, so she
said she'd deposit it today.
> I've got a few pinkish keloids from high school. Mostly
> they're just white scars now, though somewhat raised. In the
> light, you can see that there's thousands of them, mostly very
> fine. Unless I have fresh cuts, I usually don't mind having my
> arms exposed. I just let people think what they might. Every
> so often a nurse asks about the scars. You'd think they'd
> know. I do try to hide them from my son's martial arts
> teacher, since he used to be a paramedic and don't want him to
> think of me as a nutcase. And I still haven't explained it to
> my younger son. Aside from them, I really don't care.
I keep mine on the inside of my arms so it's pretty easy to hide if
they're not fresh. Sometimes my therapist doesn't even notice when I
wear short sleeves and have fresh cuts because I just fold my arms in
there and she doesn't see.
--
-slunky
Emily
>
> Thank you, Emily. I appreciate the thoughts when you've been
> going through so much, yourself.
Things are mostly back to normal now. Sort of. I think? My blood work
came back fine, except my tegretol level is WAY low. I have no idea
why. The funny thing is, the highest it's ever been is 3.8 (minimum
therapeutic level is 4), and that was at a lower dose than this! I do
take my meds, really!
>
> I should start partial in a week. They're at absolute max
> capacity now, and I have to wait for some people to graduate.
> I hope it's a lot of people. 24 is too many for reasonable
> groups, even if everyone's not there on a given day. Yesterday
> they had 19 show up.
I'm glad you get to start next week. I totally understand about how it
can be too huge sometimes. I know when I was in it last fall, it was
very big sometimes. Often, they would split it into two sections if it
was over a certain number, and then it wouldn't be too bad. However, it
would usually be just low enough not to split and then it was too big
for my liking. For a brief while in the middle though, it was very low
census--maybe five or so. That was nice! Hopefully it will be a good
number when you are there.
>
> I'm mostly ok. Cutting helps when nothing else I knew to do
> would. After 3 years of DBT, first the class, then an advanced
> applied group, I have lots of skills to draw on, but none of
> them were helping me get through this when cutting can. I
> don't think it's going to be too hard to stop when the time
> comes, since it's pretty purposeful and the situation is going
> to improve. At least I hope that's the way it will go.
>
> -lisa
I'm glad to hear you are mostly o.k. And, I do hope that stopping when
you get some more support, and the situation changes will be as easy as
you expect it to be.
Emily
Emily
Every
> so often a nurse asks about the scars. You'd think they'd
> know.
I find it odd who does and doesn't ask about my scars. I think
sometimes nurses ask, knowing what they are, but wanting to know if I am
still at risk or what not. A while back (three or four years ago now?) I
burned my wrist badly (not on purpose). I went to the E.R., and the
nurse asked about my scars--I'm not sure exactly what or how she asked,
she did make it clear that she knew what they were. I know she did make
it a point of asking if my current injury was also self inflicted. I
said no, that it had been a few years since I did that sort of thing,
and she was fine with it. Actually, she was very nice, and I thought it
was very cool the way she handled things. She didn't ignore it, she did
make sure I wasn't a danger at the time, but wasn't lecturing about it,
and was really quite sensitive.
The nurse who took care of me when I was at the E.R. on Sunday also
asked about my scars. It was odd really. She was trying to put an I.V.
in, and it was hard for her as my whole body was bright red, and kinda
swollen, so she really couldn't see my veins. But, the white scars I
guess stood out more than usual as they weren't red. She asked why I
had so many scars or what they were from or something. I just said "oh,
those are old self injury scars." She didn't say any more after that,
but I think she was a little weirded out by it. It just surprised me
that she asked, since I was there for a reaction to a psych med, and had
already said I was bipolar etc.
The weirdest encounter I had with my scars was when I was in a sort of
adult day care program. I was actively cutting at the time, and I was
on disability. I spent lots of time inpatient and in partial--but then
partial closed down, so I was just in the adult day care type program
instead. (more activities and such, no real therapy). Another 'client'
asked about the marks on my arms. I was surprised she wasn't at least
aware of cutters/cutting, and wasn't really sure what to tell her. I
think she asked if my cat did it, and I said sure. She then asked about
my cat and I said "I don't have a cat." This did confuse her, but then I
told her about my friends cat. Later that week, I had actually
scratched some words in my arms (very superficial, no scarring
thankfully, at least the lasting scars are all random looking). When
she saw those, she KNEW a cat didn't do it, and finally realized I was
doing it myself. She really couldn't fathom that very well. She was
someone who had clearly been in the system a while, so I again was quite
surprise she hadn't run into this sort of thing before...
Emily
used2be
"slunky" <slu...@cryptobug.com> wrote in message
news:slrng24nsh....@evo.zero...
i didn't know she had come back, slunk!!!!
is she back to stay? is this a good thing or a bad thing?
slunky
> i didn't know she had come back, slunk!!!!
>
> is she back to stay?
Until August at least, and she's living somewhere else in the city. I
won't let her stay here.
> is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Dunno.
--
-slunky
used2be
> _/ used2be <use...@nowhere.com> wrote \_
>> i didn't know she had come back, slunk!!!!
>>
>> is she back to stay?
>
> Until August at least, and she's living somewhere else in the city. I
> won't let her stay here.
well good for you!!!!! why did she come back?
>
>> is this a good thing or a bad thing?
>
> Dunno.
well, i hope it's good for your daughter at least.
slunky
Because she missed me and my daughter.
> well, i hope it's good for your daughter at least.
I think it is, except my daughter has regressed somewhat to when my wife
left and has started wetting her pants again.
--
-slunky
used2be
dammit, slunk, i'm so sorry! the turmoil isn't fair to poor little
scarlette. :(
slunky
> scarlette. :(
I know. I just hope she handles it well.
--
-slunky