I want to cut
lisa in mass.
husband. Besides, I'm supposed to call crisis first, which is
hard to do with family around. I might just screw the crisis
call. That'll make it easier. Sorry, just thinking through
typing here. I can't think anymore with the thoughts just in my
head. They get overridden by thoughts of suicide and needing to
cut *right now*.
I tried for an evaluation today to see if they could get me into
partial earlier, but they can't. They offered me their respite
program, which would be less distraction than home, or the
safety of the hospital, which I don't really need, since at this
point I'm not going to kill myself or do irreparable harm. I was
supposed to call back later in the day or this evening for more
support. It helped that the guy on the phone was my former
therapist, who was great, but moved away and is now back in the
area. He took some notes and said I might want the next person I
talk to to check them out.
Maybe I'll wait for the kids to go to bed in a few minutes then
give them a call. At best, I won't need to cut after all, at
worst I'll cut anyway, which is what I'm about to do.
Once again, sorry for thinking "out loud" here.
-lisa
used2be
"lisa in mass." <li...@operations.com> wrote in message
news:Xns9A95D39E46602...@130.133.1.4...
don't apologize. thinking out loud is preferable to you doing anything to
hurt yourself.
lisa in mass.
I called, talked to someone, didn't help much. At least the
real bitch who answered the phone was busy and had to transfer
me to someone else. She's the only person there I can't talk
to. The woman I got seemed pretty understanding and had
something of a sense of humor. She also believed me when I
said I knew when it was time for a hospital evaluation, and
that it wasn't yet. She suggested that I take my night meds
now and see if I can get some sleep. I think I will, though
they take at least an hour to kick in lately. If I end up
calling back, it'll be after midnight, when John's working.
Now I'm pretty much just waiting for a safe time to cut,
assuming that comes before the Seroquel kicks in for the
night. I've got an early morning appt with my therp, so need
the sleep, anyway.
-lisa
used2be
sounds like she needs a new job!!! does she know you have a hard time with
her? maybe she transfers you because she knows ya'll don't "click"?
> The woman I got seemed pretty understanding and had
> something of a sense of humor. She also believed me when I
> said I knew when it was time for a hospital evaluation, and
> that it wasn't yet. She suggested that I take my night meds
> now and see if I can get some sleep. I think I will, though
> they take at least an hour to kick in lately. If I end up
> calling back, it'll be after midnight, when John's working.
is that your old therp? what's he doing working crisis instead of doing a
therapy practice? just curious, not being critical!
> Now I'm pretty much just waiting for a safe time to cut,
> assuming that comes before the Seroquel kicks in for the
> night. I've got an early morning appt with my therp, so need
> the sleep, anyway.
i hope you do get some sleep and that you don't cut, lisa. i know you're
having a terribly hard time and i sure am worried about you!
lisa in mass.
>> I called, talked to someone, didn't help much. At least
>> the real bitch who answered the phone was busy and had to
>> transfer me to someone else. She's the only person there I
>> can't talk to.
>
> sounds like she needs a new job!!! does she know you have
> a hard time with her? maybe she transfers you because she
> knows ya'll don't "click"?
No, they were inredibly busy doing hospital and respite
intakes. Seems to be a bad time for lots of people. It was
busy when I called this afternoon, too. She's one of those who
thinks that if her ideas don't work (ice, rubber band
snapping, etc) and I don't need an intake, then what's the
point of calling? Doesn't understand that sometimes it's just
talking to someone about what's up that helps.
>> The woman I got seemed pretty understanding and had
>> something of a sense of humor. She also believed me when I
>> said I knew when it was time for a hospital evaluation,
>> and that it wasn't yet. She suggested that I take my night
>> meds now and see if I can get some sleep. I think I will,
>> though they take at least an hour to kick in lately. If I
>> end up calling back, it'll be after midnight, when John's
>> working.
>
> is that your old therp? what's he doing working crisis
> instead of doing a therapy practice? just curious, not
> being critical!
My old therp works there days. He runs the respite
program/evaluation company/crisis lines now. He had gone to
work at the Brattleboro Retreat, which is a Vermont hospital,
but has been back in the area for several years since he got
the respite director's job.
>> Now I'm pretty much just waiting for a safe time to cut,
>> assuming that comes before the Seroquel kicks in for the
>> night. I've got an early morning appt with my therp, so
>> need the sleep, anyway.
>
> i hope you do get some sleep and that you don't cut, lisa.
> i know you're having a terribly hard time and i sure am
> worried about you!
Cutting last time gave me a full half day free of thoughts and
urges for cutting and suicide. Sometimes I really need the
break. If I don't sleep soon, I'm going to cut. I'm so worn
down from fighting all the time for weeks that I'll take
whatever break I can get.
-lisa
used2be
> No, they were inredibly busy doing hospital and respite
> intakes. Seems to be a bad time for lots of people. It was
> busy when I called this afternoon, too. She's one of those who
> thinks that if her ideas don't work (ice, rubber band
> snapping, etc) and I don't need an intake, then what's the
> point of calling? Doesn't understand that sometimes it's just
> talking to someone about what's up that helps.
how can she work in her line of work and NOT GET THAT?!!! aarrgghhh...i'm
so sorry, lisa.
>
> My old therp works there days. He runs the respite
> program/evaluation company/crisis lines now. He had gone to
> work at the Brattleboro Retreat, which is a Vermont hospital,
> but has been back in the area for several years since he got
> the respite director's job.
ahhhh...i see. this "respite" thing sounds interesting. tell me more about
it. when you feel like it, of course.
>
> Cutting last time gave me a full half day free of thoughts and
> urges for cutting and suicide. Sometimes I really need the
> break. If I don't sleep soon, I'm going to cut. I'm so worn
> down from fighting all the time for weeks that I'll take
> whatever break I can get.
i understand. i just wish it wasn't so bad for you right now. :( i worry
that one day you're going to just completely give up. who could blame you?
but i don't want that to happen and i know your family doesn't want that to
happen!
lisa in mass.
>
> "lisa in mass." <li...@operations.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns9A95EA917F41C...@130.133.1.4...
>>
>> My old therp works there days. He runs the respite
>> program/evaluation company/crisis lines now. He had gone
>> to work at the Brattleboro Retreat, which is a Vermont
>> hospital, but has been back in the area for several years
>> since he got the respite director's job.
>
> ahhhh...i see. this "respite" thing sounds interesting.
> tell me more about it. when you feel like it, of course.
>
Respite's mostly for people who need a short change of
environment, to get out of their living situation for a couple
of days to a week. The way it used to work, anyway, is that
for the first 2 days you're there 24 hrs a day, after that,
you have to be there from dinner to morning, then can leave
during the day. Not the best plan for me, since I have more
stimulation at home with my computer, cats, and kids, which is
what helps. They don't like to take cutters, anyway, since
there's sharp knives there for clients to help with meal prep.
>>
>> Cutting last time gave me a full half day free of thoughts
>> and urges for cutting and suicide. Sometimes I really need
>> the break. If I don't sleep soon, I'm going to cut. I'm so
>> worn down from fighting all the time for weeks that I'll
>> take whatever break I can get.
>
> i understand. i just wish it wasn't so bad for you right
> now. :( i worry that one day you're going to just
> completely give up. who could blame you? but i don't want
> that to happen and i know your family doesn't want that to
> happen!
Nope. I've been remarkably close before, between attempts and
close calls. That's over. I won't do that to my kids. Ever.
-lisa
Emily
seroquel kicks in and you are able to get some sleep. Bummer that there
is no way to get you into partial any sooner.
I'm glad that there are a few people on the crisis line you can talk to,
even if there are some that aren't so helpful. I've not tried any crisis
lines around here, but I know the one where I used to live was not
always so great. My therapist at one point left some notes for the
crisis line person, because I was in bad shape and he thought I might
need to be hospitalized over the weekend. He was encouraging me to go
in that Friday, but I wasn't ready. When I called the crisis line, and
explained my situation the guy said he made it a point NOT to read notes
like that because he didn't want to form any opinions about the callers
before talking to them!!
I'm glad at least that you seem to have better people on your line. I
hope that you were able to find relief of some sort tonight. Preferably
not by cutting, but if that's what it takes right now... It can
certainly be preferable to some of the alternatives.
Know that I'm thinking of you!
Emily