Marine Biology News
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the species of man, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic
Institute reported Monday that dolphins, or family Delphinidae, have
evolved opposable thumbs on their pectoral fins.
"I believe I speak for the entire human race when I say, 'Holy fuck,'"
said Oceanographic Institute director Dr. James Aoki, noting that the
dolphin has a cranial capacity 40 percent greater than that of humans.
"That's it for us monkeys."
Aoki strongly urged humans, especially those living near the sea, to
learn to communicate using a system of clicks and whistles in a
frequency range of 4 to 150 kHz. He also encouraged humans to "start
practicing their echolocation as soon as possible."
Delphinologists have reported more than 7,000 cases of spontaneous
opposable-digit manifestation in the past two weeks alone, with "thumbs"
observed on the bottle-nosed dolphin, the Atlantic humpback dolphin, and
even the rare Ganges River dolphin.
"It appears to be species-wide," said dolphin specialist Clifford Brees
of the Kewalo Basin Marine Mammal Laboratory, speaking from the shark
cage he welded shut around himself late Monday. "And it may be even
worse: We haven't exactly been eager to check for thumbs on other marine
mammals belonging to the order of cetaceans, such as the killer whale.
Oh, Christ, we're really in the soup now."
Thus far, all the opposable digits encountered appear to be fully
functional, making it possible for dolphins—believed to be capable of
faster and more complex cogitation than man—to manipulate objects,
fashion tools, and construct rudimentary pulley and lever systems.
(Picture Above: A primitive axe crafted out of driftwood and shell that
is believed to be the handiwork of dolphins.)
"They really seem to be making up for lost time with this thumb thing,"
said Dr. Jim Kuczaj, a University of California–San Diego biologist
who has studied the seasonal behavior of dolphins for more than 30
years.
"Last Friday, a crude seaweed-and-shell abacus washed up on the beach
near Hilo, Hawaii. The next day, a far more sophisticated abacus,
fashioned from some unknown material and capable of calculating
equations involving numbers of up to 16 digits, washed up on the same
beach. The day after that, the beach was littered with thousands of what
turned out to be coral-silicate and kelp-based biomicrocircuitry."
"My God," Kuczaj added. "What are they doing down there?"
It is unknown what precipitated the dolphins' sudden development of
opposable thumbs. Some dolphin behaviorists believe that the gentle
marine mammal, pushed to the brink by humanity's reckless pollution and
exploitation of the sea, tapped into some previously unmined mental
powers to spontaneously generate a thumb-like appendage.
However, given that 95 percent of the world's dolphin experts have
committed suicide since learning of the development, the full story may
never be known.
"You must believe, sleek ocean masters, that many of us homo sapiens
weep with shame and disgust over the degradation to which our species
has subjected our All-Mother, the Great World-Sea," read the suicide
note of Dr. Richard Morse, a Brisbane, Australia, delphinologist and
regular contributor to Marine Mammal Science. "If you are reading this,
I estimate that it is the day we know as August 31, 2003. Please be
decent and kind masters to our poor ape-race. Oh, God, I'm so sorry
about the tracking collars."
"Scientists once wondered whether dolphins, with their remarkably
advanced social and language structures, are actually smarter than we
are," said Aoki, ushering reporters out of the laboratory he claimed
"will either be a smoking hole or a zoo exhibit in the coming Dolphin
Age." "Well, we're not wondering anymore."