Hello - An Introduction
Pengy_one
I stumbled across this newsgroup this morning in my search for Internet
resources to help me grow beyond my current state of lonliness and
depression... After reading several messages, I believe this might be a
great outlet for me.
A great deal of my lonliness stems, not from having no-one around me, but
rather, those that do are constant "drainers"
I am 33, a male and have been married for 13 years. I have 3 great kids.
I have many "Friends" at both my full time and my part time job.. But
everyone seems to use me as their "Sounding board". Even my wife and
kids... I know it may seem selfish to want some type of reciprecation in
my relationships but what I wouldn't give for just _once_ to hear "How
are YOU doing?", rather than the usual, "Let me tell you about me"
I have heard different places re: "Relationship banks" and the whole idea
of making both deposits and withdrawals.. It feels to me like people are
always making withdrawals without making deposits back in.
I am not codependent in thinking my worth is determined by other people.
Although in the past (distant), I did struggle with self-worth issues.
My lonliness (Just wanting someone to give a damn) has lead me into 2
extramarital affairs.. And surprise surprise, they ended because the
women I became attached to were drainers as well.
Can anyone identify / give solutions / books etc?
Thanks in advance.
Pengy
Eerie Rodent of Unusual Size & Typing Ability
"communicate". I prefer to communicate with my ex-wife by semaphore, or
through an attorney.
"Pengy_one" <Peng...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:Xns93CD81BD52F46...@205.188.138.161...
My name = Harvey
I'd just say - go out and do something socially.
With me, it's sports, specifically, social volleyball.
Lots of people play, even those who aren't that good, and just have
fun trying.
It's a way to release 'stuff' or just forget your troubles and goof around.
Just go out and do stuff you like to do - you know - interests, pastime,
hobbies, etc.
Find out 'who' "you" are.
Like yourself
Harvey
In article <Xns93CD81BD52F46...@205.188.138.161>,
Peng...@yahoo.com says...
Eleonore Beaudoin
Thank for carrying Harvey. Had tried to reply to this the other day and
got disco, then the message showing as read, I again took it as answered
too, eh.
Hello, Pengy.
*How are you?*
So you donlt want me to tell you all about my life problems..? Shocks, gee
willikers, what will I do?;-)
Kidding aside, I came to this ng years ago looking for friendship.
I had tons of ""friends"" but realized as I got si ill I could no longer
offerthem whatever they seeked (a translation on their resume, writing a
letter to their credit card cie, etc, etc), that all of them were based on
HELP, and one way help at it.
The day I coudl not be up to even walk nor talk, nor concentrate nor work,
they all dropped it after a few attempts on checkign if I was still unable
to do their resumes, and each having a fit at me for "not helpign them",
while I was dying in front of their very eyes...
And so I realized that I needed friendship as I thought those relatings
were and were not so, and that it then needed to be based NOT on help.
I don't mind help and helping back, not at all, but am rather weary of
relationships that woudl have help as a direct basis -and oen way at it,
that it be from them to me or me to them.
I did find mutual help along the way.
Of course oen does not click with everyoen on a same level -neither do
they with us- but, someoen from here gave me a super trick eyars ago that
made all them so grand "friends" stop calling at once. It was not my
direct goal, but a secodnary effect of the trick, which withb hindsight
was well worth it, maybe more than the forst goal:).
Simply, he suggested I made a loist of anythign at all I coudl use help on.
Even what I felt I coudl do myself, wehre everyoen could always use help
on everything, from dusting to car mechanics, etc. Small things, big
thing,s medium things I coudl use help on.
My lkist included a variety of things, from "Changing the belt on the
washign machine" to "painting the front hallway" to "washign my car" and
all those thigns one has as daily and weekly and monthly normal chores, too.
He suggested that I make three copies. One to keep by my phone. POne to
keep by my door or wherever I sat when I had "friends" visiting, and one
in my handbag, in case I bumped into them friends.
Would they ask me soemthing, I woudl be to answer that "Nah, donlt feel
bad for asking, this is great timing, I was exactly lookign for someoen to
also help me with...(and point at one item on list, randomly if time needs
it be or chosing among soemthign similar in demand as what they were asking).
I dare everyoen to try this.
It is STUNNING a method. An eye opener and a half!
(well, we can live with an eye half closed, can't we?;-)
I always give the same example of the forst time I applied this.
An ex bfriend was callign me to ask me if I was using my lawn mower. Well,
he knew I ahd grass to mowe, and that ths a lwanmower I might need for
that, so the question made me think there was more to it than met the eye
or ear. I said that yup, indeed, I still ahd it.
He then proceeded to tell me that well, my landlord also left his in my
shed, where I at times used his instead. I agreed that yup, soemtimes I
did, as in fact it was with the rent, the use of the lawnmower, and mien
being hand "cranked", and the rope tied with knots and too short, was at
tiems too hard to start for me...
He then proceeded to explain that his new gfriend's lawn mower broke down
and he was trying to *help her out*. Where he needed a "little piece of
nothing" from my lawnmower to fix hers. A piece, he said, mine coudl work
foine without, that was not really needed.
I wondered out loud why then it was needed on hers...But he had a sort of
"yellow laugh". Then he went on sayign that bah, I coudl do without, it
really was a piece of nothing, really. I asked what that peice coudl be
that the lawn mower makers coudl save so much money on by not adding to
their lawn mowers, so I coudl tell them and make a fortune:).
He laughed yellow again, and after I asked again, he let go of: "...the
gas tank.".
Oh, just the gas tank? Why, of course, it can be spared on a gas lawn
mower, who needs that! We just put gas in them to look laborious, after all:).
I saoid that of course that coudl not work, eh. It needed its gas tank.
But he went on tryign to convince me.
It was then I thought fo the list, after many calls where, sicne it was
nto in my bature to ask things back or ask at all, I ahd forgotten to use it.
I then said that hey, that was great timing. SAs he woudl stop to look at
if the alwnb mower coudl spare its gas tank and still work;-), he coudl
have a look at my washing machine and help me change the belt on it!
Well, I was flabergasted by teh answer, thatw as so ""direct", I coudl not
believe my ears.
He said that suddenly:
-Gee, is it five?? Oh my God, I had promised my mom I;d be there for
supper!! Sorry, gotta go, Chloe! (click)
-... .....???...!!!!!!!!!!!
I hung up and remained jaw dropped. Nah, had to be coincidence, for sure.
He woudl nto have foudn such a lame excuse as that, coem on...Was
coincidental, and was funny...Or was it???
He called back the next Sat with the same question.
I answered that indeed, I coudl use my washign amchine and woudl eb glad
to see him come over and look at the gas tank of the lawnmower!
To my suprise, he showed being a bad one in finding excuses.
Oh, he said, he barely had two minutes, not enough time to look at my
washer...Yet he had asked me if I coudl read his cards, too, this time, on
top of taking aprts of my lawn mower!
I then said that well, then, I guess the reading woudl be for when he
woudl have time...
Tilt at his end. A giggle, stunned at me soundign to him "smarter"...
I.e. showing he never appreciaqted the help before, hjust took me for a
sucker.
He said after a pause that well, he ahd time for that. For the reading.
I said that well, sicne the washign machine was helpful to me more than a
reading to him and a alawn mower part to his gfreindd, he then coudl check
my washign machine instead....And keep the reading for another time.
He laughed a lesser laugh, more yellow still than before...And saifd that
well, he ahd no time, it was weekend. Bye! and "Click".
I started to think that maybe it was not a coincidence after all....
BUT I did not expect hat came the third time he called.
I answered the phone.
-Hello.
-...Is your washing machine fixed yet?
-...?
Silly me thought "Oh, he thought of how that was one way and now realizes
that eyah, it woudl be the elast fo things and ois gonan help e with it to
get the lawn mower gas tank? So I answeered:
-Nope!:) Still no one to help me with it:)
-Oh, ok. I see. Well, that was all I wanted to know. Bye then!
-?????????????????Wait a minute, B!! Sheesh..........I can;t believe you!!!
Had my machine been foxed, you;d have come over and got that lwan mower
piece, but if you have to help in rteturn, you;d rather wait till someoen
else fixed the machine to get it for free, leaving me wihtout a lwnmower,
so long as you impress your new gf???
-hehehe...well, hehe...Yeah!
-....................................!!! Pfffffffffffft!:(
And he never called again....
He woudl try later to show up unanounce thinking it woudl work better in
person.
But I ahd my list by the kitchen door, the side door...And it did not work.
The next one wanted me to transalte his resume.
Of course, it was not even written in any forst langauge to start with:(
I then said I needed diskettes, and coudl not even help him without any,
cause my p[oor 286 was so overloaded, it coudl not run anythign if I added
one more bite in it, really! But that I coudl use a box of diskettes anyway...
Wpoudl he mind pickiung up some on hisd way here with his resume?
All of a sudden, he ahd a "supper forgotten apointment with his mom" too!
He too tried in person after.
He too had no luck.
I waited, thinkign soem of them, when they woudl ahve any need for
anythign, woudl think that well, maybe the solution was to help too, i.e.
maybe they woudl realize they were sucking blood...
No such thing happened.
Within a few times of their trying and my holding on to that lost, they
ALL VANISHED.
ALL of them.
I ran into one of them, the resume one, 6 years later.
He went "Hi!!!:)" and within three sentences was tellign me how much he
hated a certain gal he asked to do his resume for him and oudl not, the b...
But I used to be so good at it, and it woudl be nothign for me...So if I
wiated a minute, he had it with him in his broiefcase, I coudl transalte
it for him.
I did not even answer that., Talked about oter things.
He ran into me again in the next days, tried again. Gave me his new phone
number.
Called him later, after declining the resume ""offer"" (!) and he never
returned the call.
So I got in here.
I met some super people through the eyars.
Poeple thata re not looking for a sucker, a helper, and where then
exchanges are not based on help.
I made better friends than ever, if some woudl say they are cyber.
My suggestion woudl then be to try the list tricks.
It IS a great eye opener!
Second suggestion woudl be activitis, as Harvey suggested.
Finding some activity you stopped doing cause you were too busy helping
everyoen else.
Must go, and this was long already...
But hope you find whatever way works for you, and that your day fgoes well
and smooth!
Later,
Chloe
My name = Harvey (kiwilove_n...@paradise.net.atearoa)
writes: > At least you are aware of your situation.
--
HumungousFungusAmongUs
OTS
"Eerie Rodent of Unusual Size & Typing Ability"
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