hi - new member
michael
i have two main questions and if any member can help i would
apprecisted it
I was diagnosed herpes two
just over 2 months ago but have had no symptoms to date. i had a test
after my x girlfriend told me she had it and i wanted to check myself
out to settle my mind. anyway i don't know if you can help me but
can you have herpes two in the mouth and not on the genitals? in the
past i have suffered from mouth ulcers but recently i have been
getting tiny ulcers under my tongue and along my gums. and if i have
it in my mouth will i ever get it on my genitals?
Another question i have is to do with building a new relationship.
Since being diagnosed i have lost confidence and feel no women would
want me now. In my life i have had three lady partners. the last one
gave me the herpes. i suppose what i need from the group is some
support in the form of their stories how they coped and whether there
are ladies out there willing to give people with herpes a go, and how
they approached telling a new partner.
any help would be appreciated, thanks in advance michael
arlyn
Read below for my responses:
"michael" <mic...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:uucmivkn4s69tmmd2...@4ax.com...
> can you have herpes two in the mouth and not on the genitals?
Yes you can but it is rather rare. The type 2 virus doesn't really like the
oral area very much.
>in the
> past i have suffered from mouth ulcers but recently i have been
> getting tiny ulcers under my tongue and along my gums.
Mouth ulcers are not the same as herpes outbreaks. Herpes outbreaks
generally stay on the outside of the mouth, however, you can have outbreaks
inside the mouth but that is also not the norm. Mouth ulcers are small and
white and not caused by a virus but instead by some sort of mouth trauma.
Foods are a huge culprit but others get them when they are stressed out,
etc. Rinsing your mouth with hydrogen pyroxide will help them to heal and
if the pain is really bad, there are otc remedies to help with that. Also,
taking ibuprofin helps me with the pain. I get them a lot because I grind
my teeth at night when I sleep and sometimes I chew up my cheek along the
way. This causes mouth ulcers for me along with eating underripe fruit.
The only way to find out for sure what you have is to have one cultured.
>and if i have
> it in my mouth will i ever get it on my genitals?
No. The herpes virus doesn't travel inside the body to a new location - it
stays put at the place of infection. It enters your body and migrates into
the nerve bundle that services that area. When an outbreak occurs, it is
because the virus has traveled out of the nerve bundle and back out to the
general area of infection.
> Another question i have is to do with building a new relationship.
> Since being diagnosed i have lost confidence and feel no women would
> want me now.
We've all gone through this.
> In my life i have had three lady partners. the last one
> gave me the herpes.
That seems likely, but you could have had it before that as well.
>i suppose what i need from the group is some
> support in the form of their stories how they coped and whether there
> are ladies out there willing to give people with herpes a go, and how
> they approached telling a new partner.
Well, first of all, there are lots of ladies with herpes. And there are
herpes dating sites which you are more than welcome to use until you get
some confidence back. I've had herpes for 18 years and it was pretty
devistating for me then. But I've fine with it now. I've not been in a
situation of telling a new partner for 17 years. I'm newly divorced and the
first man I decided to date after divorcing already had herpes. The best
way to tell people is to be straight forward with them. But it will be
easier once you have all the facts and don't feel that it is the end of the
world. If you are telling a potential new partner that you have herpes and
make it sound like your life is over, then that will pretty much scare them
away. In today's world, you really need to have "The Talk" before sex
anyway. That includes std history, birth control, and when was the last HIV
test. This is a good time to bring up the herpes.
Take care,
ar
M2sl...@yahoo.com
>> can you have herpes two in the mouth and not on the genitals?
On Sat, 02 Aug 2003 11:03:46 GMT, "arlyn" wrote:
>Yes you can but it is rather rare. The type 2 virus doesn't really like the
>oral area very much.
Not only is it rare, IF it transfers there at all it usually recurs
very infrequently, sheds infrequently, and causes milder outbreaks
than type 1 would cause. In addition. once you've developed
antibodies, it can also give you a degree of protection from
contracting it genitally later. If I ever had a choice of type and
location for a herpes infection, it would definitely be type2 oral.
>>in the
>> past i have suffered from mouth ulcers but recently i have been
>> getting tiny ulcers under my tongue and along my gums.
>Mouth ulcers are not the same as herpes outbreaks.
I agree with Arlyn on this. But be aware that giving oral sex during a
canker sore (ulcer) outbreak isn't a good idea. Any break in the skin
can give a virus the opportunity to enter. Like we said, type2 oral is
rare but not completely unheard of. So if you're not already infected,
no point in inviting it in.
>>and if i have
>> it in my mouth will i ever get it on my genitals?
>No. The herpes virus doesn't travel inside the body to a new location - it
>stays put at the place of infection. It enters your body and migrates into
>the nerve bundle that services that area. When an outbreak occurs, it is
>because the virus has traveled out of the nerve bundle and back out to the
>general area of infection.
I agree again here. But want to add a caveat. During the first few
months of infection, before your immune system is fully braced for
this virus, you're subject to autoinnoculation. In other words, it's
possible to pick up the virus on your hands/fingers in one location
and spread it to another location by scratching, rubbing, etc in the
other location. For instance, a newbie with type 1 oral might rub his
mouth getting virus on his fingers, then rub his genitals and spread
the virus there. So wash your hands whenever you may have gotten them
on an infected area. Soap and water (washing hands) can easily kill
the virus.
After the first few months, autoinnoculation isn't something to worry
much about but just be aware of its existance for awhile.
>> Another question i have is to do with building a new relationship.
That one is way over my head (even when H isn't thrown into the mix).
So I'll leave that subject to Arlyn and others.
M2
M.L.S.
posted:
>Hi Michael,
>Read below for my responses:
Hi, Arlyn, I'm posting through your post because Michael's didn't show
up on my server for some reason.
>"michael" <mic...@nospam.net> wrote in message
>news:uucmivkn4s69tmmd2...@4ax.com...
<snip>
>>i suppose what i need from the group is some
>> support in the form of their stories how they coped and whether there
>> are ladies out there willing to give people with herpes a go, and how
>> they approached telling a new partner.
Hi, Michael, sorry to hear what you're going through.
The first step to coping is just to take some time and absorb
information. The more you know about the virus the more confident you
will be in how you work having it into your life, and the more
familiar you are with HSV the more you will find that it's really not
a very big deal, unless you are one of the rare unfortunate people who
have continuous or severe outbreaks.
Worrying about what future partners will think is a natural part of
the process and we all go through it, even after we've had the virus
for a while, but basically, if you are *worried* about what a partner
might think, that means you *care* about what they think, and if you
can convey that care you'll find that it is usually appreciated.
Yes, there are ladies out there who will love you even in you have
herpes, but it behooves you to know enough to be able to inform them
of the risks and to guide them into safer sexual practices so as to
reduce the risk of transfer. And, of course, in this day and age, it
is really very smart of both people to both get tested before sex, as
there is more out there than just HSV. Just because you have herpes
doesn't mean you can't get something else. Also, with pre-testing you
could find out that your prospective partner already has HSV in which
case you don't have to worry about transferring it (except to the
eyes, etc.).
My own experiences with members of the opposite sex since being
diagnosed with herpes are encouraging. First off, I have been fairly
open about my status, especially via computer. Several cyber
acquaintances (females), upon learning that I have HSV, have quietly
told me that they, too, have it. (If I remember rightly, only one
male has.) But I have also had occasion to meet several women in my
own home town who have ended up indicating that sex might be a
possibility, and when I stopped them and said, "Wait, I don't think we
can, I have herpes", they did stop, long enough to talk, sometimes
long enough to think, and then not one of them backed off or ran away.
Not that I *did* have sex with them, as I'm still not reconciled with
risking giving HSV to someone else, but the point is that in my
personal experience so far not one woman has confirmed those fears we
all have of being rejected for something we can't control. And,
possibly belatedly, but I seem to have reached a point of great wisdom
in my life where it isn't necessary to sleep with every single person
that comes along.
But, if you want to go straight to the women with herpes, there are a
few good dating sites out there, the largest and most famous being
Antopia, aka as Meet People with Herpes.
They charge for full access but there are thousands of people
registered and a ton of nice women.
Best luck and take care,
Mike
Angela
Hi Michael!! :)
> i have two main questions and if any member can help i would
> apprecisted it
>
> I was diagnosed herpes two
> just over 2 months ago but have had no symptoms to date. i had a test
> after my x girlfriend told me she had it and i wanted to check myself
> out to settle my mind. anyway i don't know if you can help me but
> can you have herpes two in the mouth and not on the genitals?
It is possible to get oral herpes type-2 but it's not very common.
Herpes type-2 prefers the genital area. Herpes type-1 likes the oral and
the genital area.
It's more likely if you have oral facial herpes that's it's type-1.
Please keep in mind that cold sores and fever blisters are oral hereps
type-1.
Canker Sores are *not* herpes.
Here is a link that talks about site and type guidelines as well as the
differences between type-1 & type-2:
http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/Site-Type/Site-Type.htm
> in the
> past i have suffered from mouth ulcers but recently i have been
> getting tiny ulcers under my tongue and along my gums. and if i have
> it in my mouth will i ever get it on my genitals?
It's not likely that what you are expiriencing is oral herpes type-2.
Be sure and check out that link I provided for you above ...
Have you had your doctor check out your mouth and run tests?
> Another question i have is to do with building a new relationship.
> Since being diagnosed i have lost confidence and feel no women would
> want me now. In my life i have had three lady partners. the last one
> gave me the herpes. i suppose what i need from the group is some
> support in the form of their stories how they coped and whether there
> are ladies out there willing to give people with herpes a go, and how
> they approached telling a new partner.
Got a good story to share with you Michael!!! :)
Here's my husband's telling story:
http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/Telling/Telling.htm
Here's my Herpes Bio: http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/MyBio/MyBio.htm
Hope this helps ... keep us posted, ok?
~Angela
You can also join us over here on Picking Up the Pieces:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PickingUpThePieces/
Angela
I would also like to comment that you do not need to limit only dating women
that have herpes.
As you could see from reading about our telling story (that link that I
provided you) ... my husband doesn't have genital herpes. Always shoot for
the best that life has to offer. Be interested in somebody for who they are
and not what they have ... after all ... you would want somebody to love you
for who you are ... right? So, if you decided to look at the online dating
sites ... please keep an open mind. Here are some other links for you to
check out:
You can check the dating section for more dating links:
http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/Links/Links.htm
Other Dating Sites not specific to people with herpes:
http://single-again.net/Other_Dating_Sites.html
I have had my own experiences with that large and very famous dating site
... and I will be honest with you ... the management is not the best and
censorship is VERY bad over there. Just because they are large doesn't mean
they are the best that the herpes community has to offer. Try and keep that
in mind. Remember ... it's not that somebody has herpes it's about WHO they
are as people. Keep an open mind when you are searching and only shoot for
the best!!! :)
~Angela
mishaisacat
Sorry you needed to seek this group out, but I hope you'll find it a useful
place now that your here. Folks have had great things to say to you, and I
really have no more technical information to add, but wanted to add my voice
of support.
Already you know that for you the physical symptoms are nothing compared to
the emotional parts. Remember that for when you have the conversation.
Learn as much as you can and be open and forthright. My own experience is
that no one worthwhile has ever shied away from me. Heck, I wish many
unworthwhile people had! The best thing you have going for you is your own
humanity. If someone knows you as a person, it's much harder for them to
hold on to negative stereotypes. I find this to be true not just of stds,
but also race, class, religion, gender, etc. Basically, I mean to say that
if someone loves you, then this tiny little virus is nothing to stand in the
way. Unfortunately, it also won't stand in the way of bad relationships
too!
Since you asked for approaches to telling a partner, here's what I've done:
I feel uncomfortable whipping it out on a budding crush or on someone whom
I'm not entirely sure I want to have a relationship with. I do have a
waiting period until I've felt the person out enough to know *I'm* genuinely
interested in them and feel that they're a trustworthy person. In this
are-we-really-interested-in-each-other-or-not phase, I'm open to kissing and
cuddling and non-sex spending the night (whoa, this hasn't been for a couple
of years, so I should be using past tense!). When I know that I want the
relationship to take the next step, which is to become exclusive and sexual,
I tell the person. When things are starting to get hot and heavy is not the
time to have the conversation, ideally, because raging sex drives can impair
judgment. Alas, that may be the time that forces the conversation, so my
rule is no sex after I tell you; you have to sleep on it, think about it,
and then decide while you're away from me.
Anyway you tell it (this is the academic in me speaking), you'll be shaping
the conversation persuasively. If you say how horrible it is, you'll be
encouraging the person to not be interested. If you play down the physical
symptoms (I mean, if you say that the physical symptoms aren't that bad, and
for you it sounds like they're nonexistent), then you're persuading the
person that it's not such a bad thing after all. If you say that condoms
are helpful, but not one hundred percent (they don't cover everything), that
asymptomatic shedding happens, but rarely, and that meds can lower risk of
asymptomatic shedding, your encouraging the person to believe that with
preventative measures the risk of transmission is low. None of these are
lies -- they are in fact all true -- but how you tell something is just as
important as what you say. If you show that herpes has had a relatively
small affect on your life, as it probably has, then you're working against
the stigma and towards letting the other person see you for yourself, and
not your hsv. As others have noted, by being 'courageous' in your honesty,
potential partners may impressed with your honesty and concern for them and
be more impressed and trusting than anything else.
All this is to say that when I've had the conversation, I've tried to be
pleasant, charming me, while showing respect for the importance of the
subject and what's being asked of the other person. I offer to answer any
questions they have then or later and offer to get them any info they might
want. I try to make it clear that it's not a one-time-only conversation.
It's a hard one to have, and even harder may be initiating follow-up
conversations. If two people are into each other, it can be hard to express
concern about the virus without feeling like you're dismissing the person.
Also prepare yourself for the worst case scenario: you actually give someone
else hsv. How will you feel? How will you handle it? What do you think
they will do? Simply, no one can be sure of their response until the
situation happens, but you should think about it. It was easy for me to
forget about the risk AFTER the conversation since I hadn't knowingly
transmitted the virus in the eight years I'd had it, since we were using
condoms, and since I didn't have any symptoms. However, the virus doesn't
function on rationalizations, and I'm a fairly unlucky person, so
whoopy-doodle, I transmitted it to the man I love most on this earth. Is it
likely this will happen to you? If you're careful, no. But the chance is
always out there, and even slim chances should be acknowledged.
[Time for me to insert my caveat: all advice contained herein is based
solely on my experiences. What worked (or didn't) for me may have no baring
on your particular situation, so please feel free to pick and choose as you
see fit. I believe all advice, my own included, is basically telling the
recipient to make the choices the advisor either made or wish he or she had
made. It's up to the recipient to determine whether or not that advice
works in his or her circumstances.]
Good luck! I think we can all tell you that while we've had to make some
modifications in our lives, our lives have kept on going, more or less as
much as they would have anyway.
best,
mishaisacat
"michael" <mic...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:uucmivkn4s69tmmd2...@4ax.com...
michael
australian dating servives for H members. i live in australia. thanks
regards michael On Sat, 02 Aug 2003 16:33:35 GMT, "Angela"
Angela
Check out this web site: http://members.cox.net/yoshi2me/USA/USA.htm
There is an entire section for Australia!! I think you will be pleased to
see the section.
Let me know if you get this post because I saw earlier that you were having
trouble getting the responses from some of us.
~Angela
"michael" <mic...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:c7ooivo43hhpgpfg1...@4ax.com...