Lost my Mom
Sad
stable and okay. Then all the sudden she wasn't feeling well for a
while. She wasn't ill enough to worry just wasn't herself. She went to
the hospital and within 2 days was gone. We're all in shock. I feel so
bad that her doctors didn't find the problem earlier. Maybe they could
have treated it. The heartbreaking part is I think they did notice
something last year but misdiagnosed it. I feel like she has been
violated. I wake up feeling a black hole in my heart. I hate the
mornings the most.
We were best friends. I can't imagine not having her in my life
anymore. She was so supportive and so much a part of my everyday
thinking. Anytime I saw something she'd like, I bought two, one for me
and one for her. I always thought about her and what she was doing. I
used to research all her health issues and try to be as proactive as
positive, even though she hated doctors. I just feel so awful that all
that was for nothing. Her doctors failed her and I feel so hurt. I
think the medication she was given made it worse.
I also wonder if the hospital knew what they were doing. She was okay
when she went in but overnight took a turn for the worse. It was all
so fast. I'm so lost without her. I have no one in my life who I can
turn to. I have family but I don't feel close to them. I have a best
friend but she doesn't understand. I have a stepdad but he's ill
himself. I just feel so overwhelmed and the person who used to make me
feel better about things is now gone. I have no hope for the future
and no real reason to keep going. I would never harm myself out of
respect for my Mom, but I can't imagine how awful it's going to be
living with this hole in my heart. I don't think I recovered from my
Dad's death years ago and I wasn't as close to him. With my Mom, the
closest was there so it makes it so much harder.
I wish I could have given her more joy in her life. I wish I could
have done something spectacular. I wish I could have had tons of money
so I could buy her a huge house. All my goals were about "making it
big" so I could do things for her. Now I won't get the chance to do
that. I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Daniel
I am so sorry about your loss of your mom. When it is sudden it adds other
issues to the already huge pain and burden of grief.
My own mother died suddenly of a heart attack in June of 2000. I stumbled in to
this group a little while later. My first thought every morning was, "Mom is
gone." I would find myself thinking of things I needed to remember to tell her
-- only to remember I would never again be able to share the little treasures of
the day. It's hard. No preparation, no good-byes, no last hug. So many things
never said, never done. There are tons of regrets and nothing to do to set them
right. There are mountains of longings and no way to fulfill them.
Yes there is a hole in your heart. No one and nothing can fill it, because your
mom was unique, and you are unique, and the love you shared is a power of that
uniqueness. The love does not evaporate just because your mom is not with you.
The whole world has changed, turned upside down, and there is a new kind of love
to learn now -- how to go on being true to your love in spite of the fact that
she is not there with you.
Because it is something we have to learn, it is easy for me to think of grief as
a process, a journey. How to cope now? Unfortunately the journey is as unique
as the love. That means no roadmap. People talk about stages of grief, but
really it is all a very personal thing, and there is no set path or sequence or
timetable. No guarantees you won't sometimes find yourself "back at square
one". There's a whole lot of hurting, and it sucks.
I feel old today so I'm going to give you advice whether you asked for it or
not. Here it comes. Two things: first, try to take care of yourself. Your
mom would if she were here, and I believe she would probably cut you some slack
(maybe more than you're cutting yourself right now). Leave the self-doubt and
second-guessing till another day for now. Second, try to focus for now on just
loving her. After my father died of cancer in 2005, my head was full of doctors
and hospital rooms and durable power of attorney for health care and medical
noises and smells and . . . it helped to just try to dismiss all that and focus
on some handful of good memories and try to hold him in my heart not as my
Cancer-Dad but just as Dad.
I will be thinking of you. Wishing you peace and healing,
--
Daniel ( deltae...@usa.net )
Sad
I'm so numb right now. It's strange because today we brought her ashes
home until they can be placed where she wants, and I almost felt
normal again. Having her home was a big help. I felt comforted and I
felt her there. I started thinking maybe everything will be okay and
the love she had for me will guide me. Then tonight I was on the phone
and started getting upset again. I guess it will come in waves like
people say. Sometimes I feel I should stay off the phone because some
people say certain things to me and it makes me feel worse. But I
thought it was healthier for me from a grieving standpoint to keep
talking to people. What do you think?
I have such anxiety about her home and belongings. But then I decided
that everything can just stay the way it is forever if I want. I don't
have to rush anything. I can wait as long as I want. Then there's all
this legal stuff that I never knew about that I'm learning. I haven't
done all the paperwork or legal things I'm supposed to yet.
I will try to take care of myself like you're saying. She babied me so
she would want me to baby myself. She actually spoiled me all the
time.
I feel bad that she had health problems the last years of her life.
Her death was still unexpected but she also did have some ongoing
health issues so I should have known. We all thought she was stable.
It's probably better that she thought that because death and disease
was always a very sore subject for her because of her own losses in
her family. Still I wish there would have been time to know what was
about to happen. I guess it doesn't matter at this point. We all have
to pass away and at least she was with her family and not in severe
pain.
I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. And it's nighttime so I'm
not looking forward to the morning.
lloman
I know exactly what you mean. OK one minute and a wreck the next. I
never know what will trigger my sadness or unexpectedly small bits of
joy. I think right after i lost my son I feared never feeling happy
again. I will never feel whole again but there are times when I have
laughed and smiled and felt joy...it takes awhile. I am six months
into this grieving process and sometimes I feel right back where I
started. I even confessed to my Mom today that I feel like I'm going
crazy. I don't know what I want and I must not be easy to be around
sometimes because I feel unstable myself what must my family think.
But then I remember that my grief is my own and there is not a right
or a wrong way. It is a journey with no map. I just keep going and
sometimes am surprised where it has led me both good and bad.
As for the phone, it's hard. For me at first I didn't want to talk to
anyone. It all seemed so complicated and I didn't know how to explain
things on the phone and over and over again. There are three people
who are my "grief counselors" with everyone else I just don't expend
the emotional energy. When you are on empty you have to conserve what
little emotional strength you have to take care of yourself. So
talking is good yes but setting boundaries and saying no is OK too.
But that's just me....you will find what works for you.
Sending thoughts of understanding to you!
-Franklin's Mom
Daniel
>Thank you Daniel.
>
>I'm so numb right now. It's strange because today we brought her ashes
>home until they can be placed where she wants, and I almost felt
>normal again. Having her home was a big help. I felt comforted and I
>felt her there. I started thinking maybe everything will be okay and
>the love she had for me will guide me. Then tonight I was on the phone
>and started getting upset again. I guess it will come in waves like
>people say. Sometimes I feel I should stay off the phone because some
>people say certain things to me and it makes me feel worse. But I
>thought it was healthier for me from a grieving standpoint to keep
>talking to people. What do you think?
No hard and fast rule. I think most of us have had certain friends that just
kept saying the wrong things. I had people I just had to avoid because talking
to them kept opening wounds (and making new ones). It is probably healthy to
talk to healthy people though! It is also good if you can find someone who
doesn't mind shutting up for a while -- a lunch or a walk with not much said --
it is nice to have the comfort of a companion without the demands of thinking
and responding. Especially in the early days, I remember it was so very hard to
form words and it was exhausting to talk too much.
At the risk of seeming silly, an illustration:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/2008/07/07/funny-pictures-i-have-the-dumb/
one of my favorites -- that's me all over.
>I have such anxiety about her home and belongings. But then I decided
>that everything can just stay the way it is forever if I want. I don't
>have to rush anything. I can wait as long as I want. Then there's all
>this legal stuff that I never knew about that I'm learning. I haven't
>done all the paperwork or legal things I'm supposed to yet.
Ouch. Deadlines? Or can you postpone? Is there anyone you can foist it off on
or share it with? After Dad died I found out I was the executor. Couldn't do
it. Filed a petition with the court to be let off the hook -- in my case that
was a possibility because my sister (ex-lawyer now mom) felt capable of taking
over. In any case I don't envy that. It's all so weird and arbitrary and wrong
moves are either punished or expensive. :-P
>I will try to take care of myself like you're saying. She babied me so
>she would want me to baby myself. She actually spoiled me all the
>time.
Spoiled you, loved you, same thing.
>I feel bad that she had health problems the last years of her life.
>Her death was still unexpected but she also did have some ongoing
>health issues so I should have known. We all thought she was stable.
>It's probably better that she thought that because death and disease
>was always a very sore subject for her because of her own losses in
>her family. Still I wish there would have been time to know what was
>about to happen. I guess it doesn't matter at this point. We all have
>to pass away and at least she was with her family and not in severe
>pain.
My mom: heart issues, other stuff. Had a pacemaker. "Bundle branch blockage"
(something to do with what makes the heart keep a beat). Well (found out after
she was gone) it turns out a higher % of people with that condition have no
"symptoms" before a major heart attack. Long story short: there were things we
coulda shoulda woulda done had we known, had we given it the proper weight of
importance... we didn't know, we didn't act, it's too late now, I finally gave
up beating myself up over it -- she died in June of 2000, and it wasn't until
July of 2003 that I started to forgive Dad for "letting" it happen (good thing
too, the forgiveness I mean, because the healing in that relationship barely got
okay when his cancer caught up with him in 2005...)
Part of loving people really is giving them the "space" and the freedom to live
and be who they are -- would my life really have been better if I had been a
constant health nag to my parents?
>I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. And it's nighttime so I'm
>not looking forward to the morning.
>
Try to get some rest. Don't expect too much too soon.
Peace,
Sad
I can't believe it's only been 8 days and I already feel I've aged 5
years. This will be a very long year. I guess I just need to go
through it. I guess when the tears and pain come I just need to
experience it. I've probably always felt responsible for my Mom's
happiness - it's a common thing in divorced families. So maybe a lot
of my feelings are related to that. She was really one of my main
priorities in life, even over myself. I think most adults move on from
that way of thinking once they start their own life. But I never did.
I wish she was a happier person. I wish life was easier on her and
that she was able to find the good in things quicker. She lived with a
lot of fear about things. She also was emotionally wounded from my
Dad. I wish she could have experienced the security and love of a
marriage that lasted.
I will definitely set boundaries about who I talk to. Today I realized
one of my friends actually gets mad at me when I express the same
feeling more than once. She hates hearing it. She doesn't understand
because she wasn't close to her own Mom. I think I should be careful
who I talk to because I don't need lectures on how I'm supposed to
feel. She keeps telling me not to dwell on anything negative. But I DO
have some negative feelings right now about regret and guilt, I can't
pretend they aren't there. Even after just 2 days she was telling me I
shouldn't be talking about those things. I need to vent, I think
that's healthier? So it's hard when someone tells you not to say
certain things.
I hate the idea of signing off because then I have to sleep, and then
I have to wake up to the dreaded morning!
Sad
> or share it with? �After Dad died I found out I was the executor. �Couldn't do
> it. �Filed a petition with the court to be let off the hook -- in my case that
> was a possibility because my sister (ex-lawyer now mom) felt capable of taking
> over. �In any case I don't envy that. �It's all so weird and arbitrary and wrong
I just mean I haven't done any of her paperwork. I have no clue what
I'm supposed to do. I paid one of her charge cards then someone told
me I shouldn't have because they can't collect or something. I didn't
know how charge cards are handled.
I need to call social security I think and then close out her bank
accounts. She has one life insurance policy and I think that's all I
need to do. Everything she had is in a living trust so it's pretty
easy to manage. I don't know if I'm supposed to call them or not. I
have no clue what to do with her personal belongings. Knowing me I
will save everything. I decided to leave everything in place for at
least a year. I think it's good for her husband to have everything the
same.
It's been such a short time but believe it or not people have actually
asked me about her belongings. One family member asked for something
and then another family member mentioned about how the "right" way to
do it is have everyone say what they want. I'm pretty sure my Mom
wouldn't like that. She didn't like the "garage sale" feel of people
grabbing at someone's belongings. She thought things like that were
tacky. I hope she gives me some signs on how to handle all that once
the time comes. Right now nothing is moving. I even put a lock on the
door that has her jewelry because I got paranoid of neighbors sneaking
in to steal things. (The mind is the first thing to go!)
Daniel
Ah. It's all so hard. The people who took care of the cremation may have
pamphlets or other info. I have heard that Hospice has info... couldn't find it
on their national web site. In my case, a friend of my sister is a lawyer and
got us all kinds of forms we needed, etc. That's an expense and it might be
traumatic to find a trustworthy attorney.
There's web searchey things like this:
http://www.californiataxattorneyblog.com/2008/04/what_to_do_when_someone_dies_1.html
exerpt -- begin quote --
9. Contact the Social Security Administration and any other government agencies
or benefit program that may be making payments to the Decedent. (Note that the
payment for the month of death will not be made by the Social Security
Administration and others.)
10. Review the Decedent�s financial affairs and look for any estate planning
documents, such as Wills and Trusts, along with any other relevant documents,
including:
Funeral and Burial Plans;
Nuptial Agreements;
Divorce documentation;
Existence of Trust;
Pension-retirement benefits;
Old tax returns;
Prior Gift Tax returns;
Notes receivable;
Life Insurance Policies;
Safe Deposit Agreements and keys;
Marriage, birth and death certificates;
Any documentation of business ownership or business interest;
Bank statements, checkbooks, similar documents;
Titles to motor vehicles;
Leases;
Securities and list of securities;
Computer records regarding books of a business or personal assets;
Health Insurance, make claims for the final illness; and
Unpaid bills.
11. If there is no Will and there are sufficient assets to probate then the
Court will appoint an administrator and the assets of the Decedent will be
distributed according to state law. This situation is referred to by some as
having the state write a Will for you. All states have a set of laws relating to
intestate succession (transfer of property after dying without a Will), and the
states decide who gets which assets if someone dies without a Will.
12. Administering the Will - If the Will is properly drawn, it will name a
Personal Representative (also known as Executor or Executrix). The Personal
Representative, who can be an individual, a group of individuals or one or more
institutions, or a combination of the aforementioned, will be responsible for
the administration of the Estate of the Decedent.
13. If there is a Will, take the Will to the appropriate County or City office
to have it accepted for probate.
14. If there are minor children and the Will provides for a guardian, then the
guardian needs to be informed and the children need to be placed in the care of
the guardian. If there are minor children and no guardian is appointed, or if
there is no Will, then the Court must appoint a guardian.
15. If you are the Personal Representative or Successor Trustee of a Trust, try
to make a list of the assets owned by the Decedent or the Trust, in order that
they can be administered and distributed according to the wishes of the
Decedent.
16. As part of the probate process, all family members within a certain degree
of kinship must be contacted, whether or not they receive assets from the Estate
of the Decedent.
17. Probate is a process similar to that of accounting. The Personal
Representative is responsible for collecting the assets and reporting to the
Court as to the amount of assets in the Estate of the Decedent. The Personal
Representative then assembles the assets and, after paying debts, expenses and
taxes, distributes the assets according to the wishes of the Decedent. If the
Decedent left no Will, the process of administration is essentially the same,
except that state law determines to whom the assets are distributed. If
everything is done correctly, eventually, after the Personal Representative has
accounted for and distributed the assets, the Personal Representative is
discharged.
18. Try to assemble the deeds of the Decedent to see what real estate, if any,
is owned by the Decedent. If real estate is owned in more than one state,
special proceedings, called �ancillary administrations,� may be needed in each
state.
19. Make an inventory of household goods, personal belongings and the like, in
order that they can be accounted for and properly distributed.
20. If there is a surviving spouse, make sure veteran�s benefits or other �joint
and survivor� benefits are collected by the surviving spouse. While this list is
rather extensive, no list can be 100% complete, so there is bound to be some
situation that has been overlooked or not adequately treated.
21. Open a bank account for the estate of the Decedent. This should be done
early on and all receipts and disbursements should be recorded in that bank
account, in order to account properly for the assets of the Decedent and the
expenses of administration.
22. Look for insurance policies or annuities which may continue for other family
members and other assets. Contact the Insurer with respect to any current
policies or annuities.
23. Determine if the Decedent owned any securities, stocks, bonds, mutual funds,
etc.
24. The income taxes of the Decedent for the year of death need to be filed, and
any tax due must be paid. If there is a surviving spouse, the surviving spouse
and Decedent can file a joint return for the year of death.
25. If the Decedent controlled or was a principal person in a business, it may
be necessary to check to see if there are Buy-Sell Agreements under which the
interest of the Decedent would be purchased by the business entity or other
business owners.
26. If the Decedent was indebted to anyone, then the creditor needs to be paid.
If the creditors are not paid and they make a claim against the estate after all
of the assets are distributed, the Personal Representative may be in trouble and
held personally liable for the debt.
27. Retirement Plans, IRA accounts and similar retirement benefits involve
important choices which need to be made by certain beneficiaries, particularly
in regard to IRA accounts under recent IRS regulations. If there are annuities,
pension and profit sharing plans and interest of that type, they may provide for
joint payment to a surviving spouse or others.
28. In handling the affairs of a Decedent, do not be quick to make distributions
to family members or friends of the Decedent. Important choices need to be made
concerning such distributions and, of course, they need to be in compliance with
the Will or other instructions left by the Decedent, not to mention any
applicable tax laws.
29. If, after the appointment of a Personal Representative, a bank account or
safe deposit box is found, then the assets in the bank account or safe deposit
box need to be distributed according to the wishes of the Decedent.
30. If there is real estate that is insured, the Personal Representative should
make sure that the insurance policies on the properties of the Decedent are
maintained.
31. If there is a Trust, particularly a Revocable Living Trust, it will become
irrevocable at the time of death, if not before. A separate tax return, Form
1041, Fiduciary Income Tax Return, needs to be filed for the Trust or the Estate
of the Decedent if income is received by the Estate or a Trust.
32. Watch out for people who prey upon families of Decedents. There are people
who look for death notices and make unfounded claims against the Decedent. Some
may also attempt to burglarize the home during the funeral service. Be cautious
about such matters; have someone stay at the home during the funeral service and
do not easily accept the claims of unknown individuals that lack documentation.
33. Be deliberate and do not be hasty with decisions or distributions. The death
of someone, particularly a family member or friend, is stressful and often if
there are children of the Decedent around during the course of the final
illness, there may be disputes regarding the treatment or other problems related
to declining physical or mental abilities of the parent. Stated differently, it
is a time of frazzled nerves and irritable people, so be very careful not to
create schisms which can last for a very long time.
-- end of quote --
It doesn't all have to happen quickly. Even for missed deadlines there are
procedures for filing late or whatever.
Good luck. Thinking of you,
Daniel
>Thank you for your posts Daniel and lloman.
>
>I can't believe it's only been 8 days and I already feel I've aged 5
>years. This will be a very long year. I guess I just need to go
>through it. I guess when the tears and pain come I just need to
>experience it. . . .
Your loss is so very fresh and raw. Don't expect too much of yourself too soon.
Take as much time to grieve as you need. Nobody else can predict or dictate
your path.
You only have so much energy, physical as well as emotional. Conserve them
both.
You didn't ask for this. You didn't want this. And now here it is -- the
hardest thing you've ever gone through. I will try to dig up my "how to take
care of yourself" post and re-post it. Accumulated wisdom from the group.
Peace.
Sad
I'm trying to take care of myself but I feel like the initial shock is
wearing off and the actual pain is starting. I woke up with the worst
empty feeling this morning. It's a huge void that runs through my
body. It's a physical pain not just a feeling. I feel so much regret
right now. There was so much that I wanted to do for my Mom. But it
was kind of like I was wounded to begin with so I couldn't ever get
that point where I could get it together enough to be at my best. I
had some okay years and we had some fun times, but there was SO much
more I wanted to do for her.
I'm realizing this morning also that I'm all alone in dealing with
this. People have stopped calling and aren't as available anymore.
It's just me and my stepdad, and he's not well himself. I know it's
been such a short time so I have to be patient, but so far it's
getting worse and I'm exhausted from crying and feeling bad.
I had a grief counseling session at church schedule for today but they
just called to cancel.
lloman
husband was when people didn't follow through. We were putting our
trust in lawyers, investigators, social workers, everyone we thought
would care as much as we did. Now 6 months later we have learned that
only our counselors and parts of our family really are there for us.
It's hard when you are so emotionally drained to have things dropped
at the last minute. Even now if things change that I was counting on
I get very upset. Hang in there. Did they reschedule? We still see
two counselors (one is very practical one is very spiritual) and they
help us SO much.
Take care of yourself!
Sad
Yeah, I'm realizing more and more that I'm pretty much all alone in my
grief. No one understands. Everyone went back to their lives. I don't
think they even care. They only care about their own children and
spouses. My Mom always feared I'd be all alone if something happened
to her and she was right. I guess I will just have to live through
this and hope that somehow in time I will build a better support
system. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone in life.
They didn't re-schedule another session. I did find another church
that does a "griefshare" program. I think that's what it's called. It
seems to be a weekly meeting that you attend for 8 or 9 weeks I think.
Maybe I will try that.
Sad
I can't take this pain anymore.
glor...@webtv.net
about some of the good times you had with your Mom,
keep a candle lit near a picture of her, say a prayer for her everyday.
IT HELPS.
Mitchel's Mom
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Daniel
>It's been 15 days,
>
>I can't take this pain anymore.
Sometimes we have to break time down into units we can get through. Sounds like
there are people in your life that want all this grief stuff to just go away and
have run out of patience with you. Sorry. I haven't given up on you -- in
fact, as hard as it is, it sounds like what you are going through is really
normal. The pain of loss is like this big dark secret in our society. People
want to look the other way. They don't teach about this in school. We each
have to grope our own way along the path.
I remember just trying to make till lunch. Till my next break at work. Till
quitting time. Till dinner. Dreading bed time. The sinking feeling in the
morning. The terror as the days went by and it wasn't getting better, it was
getting *worse*! The numbness wears off and the pain together with a sense of
the everydayness of it sets in.
The good news is you don't have to get through the whole rest of your life
*today*. You just have today to get through. And you don't have all of today
to get through. Just this minute. Or this hour, whatever you can handle.
Thinking of you, even when I'm away from the computer. Let us know how you're
doing.
Peace,
Sad
Hi - Thank you. I think I should talk to her more maybe. I need to
keep the connection. Maybe that would help.
Sad
Daniel, there you are. I was wondering where you were. How are you
doing?
Daniel
>
>Daniel, there you are. I was wondering where you were. How are you
>doing?
Hi,
Sorry I've been away . . . I feel bad about being "offline" -- want you to know
you are in my thoughts and prayers. I seem to have caught some kind of a cold
that has me more muddle-headed than usual.
Since you asked:
A combination of things in my life are pushing on me these days. I never took
high school physics, but I think of it as force vectors pulling (like gravity on
an asteroid?) on me. My wife has a chronic illness. My oldest son (27 years
old and out of the house, but you never stop being a parent) has been going
through some shaky times. Work is, well, work -- and worse than ever in this
economy; plus it's a small company, and my boss has been in and out with
illness. I have been having some health "issues" too. My usual stress-reliever
is running -- I haven't been able to do my Time On Legs due to health. All of
the above cause me to not sleep very long or very well.
It reminds me of that poem "On the vanity of earthly greatness" by Arthur
Guiterman:
/ quoting /
The tusks which clashed in mighty brawls
Of mastodons, are billiard balls.
The sword of Charlemagne the Just
Is Ferric Oxide, known as rust.
The grizzly bear, whose potent hug,
Was feared by all, is now a rug.
Great Caesar's bust is on the shelf,
And I don't feel so well myself.
/ end of quote /
When I get sick and/or tired, I get sad -- and /vice versa/. I have been
less-than-good about taking care of myself. Trying to change that. Some bad
things on the health big-picture have been ruled out through not-fun tests; it's
good that I did it and came back negative though. Another doctor appt. this
Friday. Well you asked. Thank you for listening. :-)
MelMenzies
through. But I lost my daughter 15 years ago and I, too, went through
all the grieving process - thinking of things I wanted to share with
her, then the sudden shock of realising she was no longer there to
share with. Like you, I had reason to be angry. Two people were
arrested when my daughter died, because she had been given a single
dose of morphine. After a heroin addiction lasting thirteen years,
she'd been clean for five years and the police think it had been
slipped into her drink to make her drug dependent again.
But I made a conscious decision to let my anger go. Nothing could
bring my daughter back - and what made it worse was that her death had
left an orphaned baby. So, like Daniel, I concentrated on the good
things about her and her life. Among her belongings, I came across
letters from other 'down and outs' because, even in the height of her
addiction, she had shown kindnesses to others. It was good to know
that. Knowing that she had a heart for others was a far more
important and elevating thought than my anger for those who might have
been implicated in her death. Even when the Coroner told them not
answer any questions at the inquest which might incriminate them!
So I hope, if I offer this poem I've written, that you won't feel that
I don't understand. Grief takes as long as it takes, and no one can
hasten its end. But it is important - for you and your mental,
physical and emotional heath, and so that the memories of your dear
mother are not tainted - that you try to let go of what is negative
and draining, and hold onto only that which is positive and life-
affirming. If you choose to visit my website at http://www.melmenzies.co.uk/blog
(copy and paste it into your browser) you'll find that if you click
the Bereavement category, there are several articles there which may
help you. God bless!
Here's the poem. Use it freely. I ask only that you attach my name
and details to it, please.
COMFORT POETRY FOR LOSS & BEREAVEMENT
Weep a while for what might have been
Let grief rest, but not nest, in your heart.
Then smile a while for all that went well,
And tell sorrow it’s time to depart.
For tears and grief, like a rising flood,
Will bear all that is past in their path.
Til their task is done and the rising sun
Brings new light in the night’s aftermath.
For from the ark, when dispelled is the dark,
Will appear, like a mountain, a peak.
So let sorrow take flight, like a dove on the wing,
To return with fresh hope in its beak.
Then look to the heavens for what’s yet to come
And trust that what’s gone is redeemed.
For the ark and the peak and the dove that is God
Offer more than you ever have dreamed.
© Mel Menzies
Author of A Painful Post Mortem - a novel about love and loss.
lloman
what's gone is redeemed." We talked about that a bit in counseling
last night. How I know my little boy is in Heaven and try to focus on
that but I still grieve that he is not here. Even if Heaven is the
most amazing place to grow up I will still question why he couldn't
grow up here for me to see. Did you immediately let go of your anger
or did it take awhile? The longer I am without my son, and the longer
I live without knowing what happened the day of his accident the
harder it is not to feel anger that he wasn't taken care of at
daycare. I don't dwell on my anger but it is certainly there. It has
been 6 months since I held my son and my arms and life are so empty
even when my days busily pass by.
Hope you are all taking care of yourselves as best you can.
-Franklin's Mom
Daniel
wrote:
>Then smile . . . .
> (gently snipped for brevity)
> . . . more than you ever have dreamed.
>� Mel Menzies
>
>Author of A Painful Post Mortem - a novel about love and loss.
Thanks, Mel. The circumstances surrounding your daughter's death are so
horrifying, and even so you have found ways to not let it eat you up. That is a
good example. It took me years to begin to let go of my anger after Mom died
simply because part of me felt Dad had "let" her die -- as though he wouldn't
have given *anything* to have her back!
Thanks for the poem too. :-) And good to "see your face" from this side of the
pond.
Daniel
{{{{ gentle hug }}}} Sending you all the peaceful energy I can muster, and
reaching out to you in my heart right now.
The moms who have lost a child hit me hardest / touch me deepest. Every time. I
don't know how you go on.
For your consideration: After my mom died suddenly of a heart attack, maybe I
*had to* spend a considerable amount of time sharpening a grudge against Mom's
cardiologist, the EMT's, my dad, others who "should have known", myself. Maybe
without scouring every corner of that dark place, I couldn't hear what I needed
to be told about letting it go. I mean if I had tried to force myself to "put
on a happy face" and *act* like I was forgiving and understanding, *would* I
have really been able to forgive and understand? Or would I have just kept
going back to that dark place and looking for possibilities under all the rocks?
This whole grief thing is pretty weird because I'm kind of making life up as I
go along. I know I don't always take good care of myself (maybe that's why
taking care of yourself is a recurring theme for me!) but I have learned that in
my case wishful thinking doesn't pay. I can't put on a happy face. The face I
wear may be happier on a day-to-day basis than the one I wore for so long after
Mom died. But today's face definitely looks out at the world with the knowledge
of that loss, the pain of that love and loss.
The most thoughtless and painful thing I ever heard was a former friend
insisting (two weeks after Mom died), "You should be happy! She's in heaven
now!" [struggling not to write a string of creatively arranged profanity --
insert your own favorites here] Something that is literally true (perhaps) is
still not the charitable thing to say some times.
So what does this all mean? Perhaps you are where you need to be right now.
Being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel is a good thing. When all
is dark, *believing* there is light *somewhere* -- that's a good thing. But if
there's a way to wish (rather than *work*) our way into the light, I haven't
heard it.
Don't be surprised if things get harder for a while before they get better.
(Just wait for Year Two! Aaaurgh!) It's not your fault. You didn't volunteer
for this. It really is possible you are doing the best you can where you are
with what you have.
Sad
you are finding the good aspects and not dwelling on the negative. I'm
trying to do that as well but I'm having a tough time.
Sad
I'm sorry to hear about all the challenges you are facing. It's hard
when you don't feel well. I bet the loss of not being able to run is a
major thing. I don't have that type of stress-reliever but I know
people who do and it's a must for them if they want to feel well. So I
imagine not being able to do it affects everything in their life. I
hope all is well with you soon.
I'm hanging in there. I went to my 2nd grief group. I didn't like it.
I really don't want to go back. It's a 13 week program. I don't feel
too connected to the people there because there's only a couple of us
dealing with parent loss. I guess most people have an easier time
adjusting to parent loss so they don't need a grief group.
I'm feeling pretty lost again because I'm all alone. My best friend is
getting to the point where I actually think I might not be friends
with her anymore. She makes me feel bad and she really is trying to
rush me through my grief. She's judgemental and insensitive. I can't
believe I never noticed that before. Her intentions are good but she's
just very short-sighted when it comes to grief. When I speak with her
on the phone she always wants me to say I'm doing certain things, as
if I'm getting back to a normal life. Plus she's always talking about
me to her boyfriend trying to figure me out like I'm psychologically
unstable. I don't know, right now I'm just venting because I really
notice a difference in her voice when she picks up the phone and
realizes it's me. She doesn't like talking to me anymore, I can tell.
I am praying I can be strong enough to start relying on myself and not
having to turn to her for comfort. I have to realize that no one is
like my Mom so no one will be able to talk to me like she did.
Daniel
No, no one person can fill the Mom shaped hole in your heart and in your life.
It turned out I didn't have very many people who were willing to let me be me --
some of my pre-grief friends were sort of people-collectors, and once I became
high-maintenance, they dropped or were dropped.
One of the problems that other people have with us (grievers) is that the rules
keep changing. One day I might want to be distracted. Next day I want to focus
on my memories whether they hurt or not. One hour I want to monopolize the
conversation, next hour I want to be silent and alone, next hour I want to be
around other people but not have to contribute. People that are comfortable
with those last two bits are hard to find.
Remember that even if you have to "start relying on yourself" you are not really
alone. You aren't the only one going through what you are going through. There
are others who have been touched by the same pain. You may just sense it some
day in the eyes of a casual contact, a something that looks at the world
differently. Grief is under-cover in our society.
Peace and blessings to you and all those you love,
Sad
close to their Moms as I was. They understand the depth of the loss.
No one in my actual life understands it. I'm the only one I know who
was best friends with their Mom.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I always feared her
dying. I think that's why I was paranoid about her health, especially
after I lost my Dad. I was so worried something would happen to her. I
felt so lucky to have her alive. Then she left so suddenly.
I feel both my parents were cheated and part of me is always wishing I
could correct things for them, but I can't. Then on top of that, I
can't help feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the two
people who cared the most about me.
lloman
It's not just the loss of the people but the dreams and hopes we had
for those people. I completely understand. For me it's all the
things I hoped and dreamed my son would experience as he grew up. We
grieve for ourselves as well...the ones left behind trying to live
with a hole in their hearts. hang in there.
Sad
It's true the loss of dreams and hopes is probably the hardest. My
Aunt lost her son about 35 years ago, he was 10. She had grandkids now
and they are ALL boys.
It's good that you can have the strength to talk about your grief. In
my family, my cousin was always a topic we weren't allowed to talk
about in front of my Aunt. I was surprised recently when she said
something about "her son". That's the first time in my life that I
heard her refer to him.
It's not even a month yet for my Mom and I can't believe how quiet the
world has gotten. Time seems to go by very slow. Sometimes I wonder
what will happen 6 months from now. I guess I will keep taking one day
at a time. I'm picking up some unhealthy habits though so I better
stop that while I can. I also seem to obsess over things, like last
night thinking about all the medical stuff and wondering if it could
have been prevented.
lloman
many people are concerned about us. We went to our family doctor
right after my son's death and have seen him several times since. He
has talked with us about depression and mostly sleep
disturbances....there is a physical side to grief for sure. We also
see two grief counselors...one would be enough but these two
complement each other. If you are concerned about how you are coping
maybe seeing a doctor or a counselor would help...they are objective
and professional (at least that has been our experience).
The wondering if things could have been different haunt me as well and
I try not to let it ruin my day but I do often think about all the
what ifs.....but none of them will bring back my son so they are not
productive. Again it's something I bring up in counseling as one of
my struggles. I still live in a space where there are more questions
than answers.
Peace to you,
Franklin's Mom
Sad
therapist but I never have any luck. I have attended 2 grief share
groups but I don't know if they help or make things worse.
I seem to have stopped the "what ifs" today. I guess those feelings
will come and go.
Sad
too depressed and it's just getting worse. If he wants to give me
medication, I'll take it. I never wanted to ever have to take
medication before but I have nothing to lose now. My sadness is too
overwhelming and I can't stand it. Hopefully I won't chicken out and
cancel the appointment.
lloman
for myself to feel my grief fully and talk about all my frustrations,
questions, and sadness.
Take care,
lloman
Sad
for a short time. I've been quiet but okay the rest of the day. I even
did some chores. Maybe just acknowledging that I need some help is the
start. I just hope he's not a pill-pusher. My insurance won't cover
"talk therapy" unless it's from a psychiatrist. But I found that most
psychiatrists don't do talk therapy, they just do "medication
management". The girl on the phone told me he does do talk therapy for
some people. So we'll see I guess.
I have also been checking into other grief groups. I can't believe how
hard it is to find stuff like that unless it's church related. I am
going to one church group but I'd like a non-church group too.
Do you do individual therapy or is it with your husband?
lloman
our son (we also lost my husband's Mom 4 months later but it was after
she had been sick for a very long time and not as shocking). We are
not on anti-depressants but do have some help with our sleep issues.
I have a dear friend who is on anti-depressants and she is doing
fine. There is no one answer...everyone has different backgrounds,
needs, and I think whatever you need is OK. Discuss any hesitation
with your counselor, hopefully he/she will hear your questions and
concerns.
We think of one of our counselors as more spiritual and one who is
more practical but both are helping us with our grief journey. I'm
glad you had a better day...I was thinking of you this morning hoping
you were doing OK.
Peace,
lloman
Sad
amazing in the way you are able to deal with all this.
I will keep an open mind about the doctor. I am glad I will talk one
on one with him because my grief group is about 30 people so it's less
personal. I probably need individual care right now.
lloman
We haven't done a grief group yet...and I have to admit so far it is
nice to focus on our personal grief right now with our counselor.
Take care
Sad
There are some people there who lost parents but not many. Probably
because most people can deal with it better than I have. Sometimes I
feel so ridiculous because I'm a grown woman who can't seem to deal
with losing my Mom. Most people my age deal with loss better than I
do. I dealt with my Dad's death so differently. Of course I had my Mom
to call anytime I needed someone.
I called a hospice place today to see about individual counseling. I
mentioned the grief group I attend, she said something about how it's
better to wait a couple months to start a group like that. I started
it right away because I didn't know what else to do.
I'm supposed to go see her next week. So now I have 2 individual
meetings scheduled for next week. I'm hoping one of them works out.
lloman
thinking of you.
Sad
if I should ask a specific question or tell him just about my problems
with anxiety in the morning because otherwise I don't really want to
have to tell him my life story. I guess I will play it by ear.
lloman
later I don't realize I forgot something important. Especially when
you are grieving your brain feels so scattered it's easy to forget. I
hope things go well. I'm back to a new school year which is good to
keep me busy but so many things trigger memories or regrets like
Franklin will never go to school here. Or I look at the kids and
think "who is taking care of you?" But overall it's good and the kids
are so focused on themselves I don't feel like "what do they think of
me."
Hope your meetings go well.
Take care,
lloman
Josh's Mom
Daniel:
Hi! Don't know if you remember me or not. I am Lynn - Mom to Joshua.
My Son died in 2005 by jumping off a 14 th floor parking garage. I did
lose my Dad in 2002. He had cancer and I took care of him and it
really hurt when he died and even now. He died of cancer and we both
knew he was dying and at the end he was in so much pain - I did tell
him to go to the light. So my Mom - whom I love but who I can
certainly complain a lot about. She isn't perfect and hey I am not the
perfect daughter either. I try - you know how it is. AS much as my Mom
and I have bickered on and off through the years, she is my MOM. She
is getting worse and I don;t think she will be with us very much
longer, neither does she. I love my Mom and I have always known she
loves me too. She hides many things from me - because she doesn't want
to upset me. Including the fact that we don't have much time left.
Tell me Daniel- I know there is so much I will wish we had discussed
when she is gone. My mind is blank. Tell me right now - if your Mom
was still here and you needed to ask her, tell her things - what would
they be??
Love Josh's Mom
Sad
there would be in that setting. That will be good to keep busy and
hopefully the triggers will decrease.
One of my appointments was cancelled because of an emergency, but I
went on the second one. It was helpful I think. It was the grief
counselor. She said I could come back and see her individually for a
while. It's weird though because she hasn't lost her parents, so part
of me wonders if she even knows what I'm taking about. I guess every
loss is similar but I always think that there are specific issues that
happen with specific losses. A loss of a spouse is different than loss
of a child and both are different then loss of a parent, then all are
different than loss of a friend, and so on. I don't know, I guess I
will keep going because I figure it can't hurt.
Daniel
Right -- even if the counselor had lost parents, their story is probably so
different from yours (uniqueness of relationships). I think the important
question for me would be, "Does this counselor talk down to me or belittle my
loss?"
Thinking of you, even though I have been away from the newsgroup . . .
Peace,
Daniel
wrote:
As of Tuesday Sept 1 2009, 3:00 PM: thinking . . . more later. I'm slow and
unreliable, I know. Out of time now. More later. 8-)
Daniel
wrote:
>Daniel:
>
>Hi! Don't know if you remember me or not. I am Lynn - Mom to Joshua.
>My Son died in 2005 by jumping off a 14 th floor parking garage. I did
>lose my Dad in 2002. He had cancer and I took care of him and it
>really hurt when he died and even now. He died of cancer and we both
>knew he was dying and at the end he was in so much pain - I did tell
>him to go to the light. So my Mom - whom I love but who I can
>certainly complain a lot about. She isn't perfect and hey I am not the
>perfect daughter either. I try - you know how it is. AS much as my Mom
>and I have bickered on and off through the years, she is my MOM. She
>is getting worse and I don;t think she will be with us very much
>longer, neither does she. I love my Mom and I have always known she
>loves me too. She hides many things from me - because she doesn't want
>to upset me. Including the fact that we don't have much time left.
>Tell me Daniel- I know there is so much I will wish we had discussed
>when she is gone. My mind is blank. Tell me right now - if your Mom
>was still here and you needed to ask her, tell her things - what would
>they be??
>
>Love Josh's Mom
Our positions are sort of reversed -- boy/girl thing? -- I lost Mom first, and
it was Dad I had "issues" with. I can remember some things I said.
I started telling Dad things I had wanted to say as soon as I read about his
cancer: leiomyosarcoma is a really bad one and I was pretty sure "this was it"
and it would just be a matter of how long we could keep him. He didn't always
want to hear what he considered "serious" talk. He was hiding things from me,
and would rather talk about baseball or some such.
Anyway I don't know how much of it was "discussion" -- more like I just needed
to have said things.
"I am glad you are my Dad." I said that a lot. I think by the end he believed
me. "I think you have done a really good job being a dad." "I am proud of
you."
"Thanks for taking us camping." "Thanks for letting me give up piano and take
up the guitar." "Thanks for coming to see me in my high school musical."
"I miss Mom too."
"I am sorry I have always been such a pain." "I'm sorry . . . " (I think I did
a lot of apologizing.)
"You are being really good." At the hospital: "Thank you for putting up with
all this so patiently."
He loved to hear just the simple day to day details of life outside the hospital
-- how my kids were doing in school, etc. What the weather was like. What I
had for lunch.
I kept talking to him even when he was on the morphine and sorta not all there,
and kept on talking to him even when he was in the morphine coma at the end. He
may not have been able to respond, but who knows how much he took in? And it
was good (therapeutic?) for me to keep talking.
Things I wish I hadn't said: I wish I hadn't nagged him about eating. For the
last month or so he just couldn't eat much at all. I nagged him, I pleaded and
whined. Only after he was gone I found out it wasn't his fault, it was the
cancer. More calories would only have gone to the tumors.
( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cachexia )
Oh one more thing. I used to give my version of memories of things we had done
together. Family vacations. Skipping rocks on the American River. Going to
the Irish Art exhibit when it was at the DeYoung in San Francisco . . .
Hope that gives you some ideas. This was not easy to write. Lots of tears.
I'll probably think of more things later I should have said -- to him, and to
you.
Pulling for you from here. Peace,
Sad
> last month or so he just couldn't eat much at all. �I nagged him, I pleaded and
> whined. �Only after he was gone I found out it wasn't his fault, it was the
> cancer. �More calories would only have gone to the tumors. �
> ( �http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cachexia�)
Same here. I cried to get my Mom to eat. We had no clue it was cancer
since she went to the doctors all the time. I feel so ignorant now. I
guess the only thing I have to tell myself is that maybe it was better
that she didn't know. All she knew was that she didn't feel like
eating and that she had a daughter who loved her enough to care about
her food. Same as your Dad. He knew you nagged him because you loved
him. He would have done the same to you if it were reversed. We plead
because we care. So maybe we shouldn't regret that.
lloman
it. I was going to say earlier neither of my counselors has
experienced the loss that I have. Even if they had lost a child it
would be different depending on the circumstances and age and what
not. I read something somewhere lately that it is important to NOT
compare your grief with others. How you feel and experience the loss
is unique to you. That's been important for my husband and I because
we grieve Franklin very differently and cope differently. Just as we
grieve the loss of his Mother and my Father differently. So if your
counselor is a good listener and you feel comfortable with them don't
worry if they haven't experienced the same loss. One of my counselors
does grief counseling because her parents lost 3 infant children and
she was their sole surviving child and so her life was shaped by their
grief. My other counselor is a psycho therapist who has done all
kinds of counseling. She lost her father unexpectedly but I think the
thing that seems more similar to me is her struggle with breast
cancer. Why is this happening to me? My life is forever
changed..etc.
Today I found out a colleague at work lost his father in an auto
accident this morning and I just felt sick to my stomach knowing how
his world just got turned upside down. I think of how far I've come
and yet it is still so new. I can still wake up in the middle of the
night waiting to her Franklin calling for me in his crib. I feel like
a shadow of myself. There is my body that gets up and goes to work
and teaches kids and takes care of them as best I can. But there is
an internal dialogue I have going on inside my head that is trying to
make sense of my life without Franklin here with me. Or I'm teaching
one minute and then contemplating God's role in my life the next. It
is like I am two people. One is my physical self for others to see
and the other is inside my head having thoughts that would take other
people's breath away.
Sorry to be down...it's been a rough week and that's just where I am
today.
Take care,
lloman
Sad
into a couple arguments with people, which is very unusual for me. I
know what you mean about an internal dialogue. That's a great way to
describe it. I have that too. Sometimes I think my brain is able to
make some sense of this, then all the sudden everything changes. I
feel like I'm getting more and more resentful and that I have a ball
of anger that could come out at any time. Like you say, I guess this
is just where I'm at right now.
I'm wishing for you some peace and some better days ahead. I guess I
should have an open mind about the counseling, even if they haven't
lost a parent. I am all over the place as far as my reaching out.
Tonight I was going to attend a new grief group because the one I was
attending was starting to annoy me. All they talk about is the bible,
I want to talk about my Mom. I know I need to get closer to God but at
the same time, I really need to talk about my loss right now. So I
found another group but it's 60 miles away. I realized about 10
minutes ago that I should have already left if I wanted to make it on
time. I can't think clearly anymore. It's just a bad week full of
tears.
lloman
(which of course they should be) while I am constantly dealing with my
grief and everything that goes with it. I don't know if you are much
of a reader but I read just about every grief book out there. It was
interesting. Some helped a lot some made me mad some were totally
unhelpful...but I found a couple that really helped me make sense of a
life that seemed to loose its sense and balance and meaning.
I haven't dealt as much with anger, but my husband sure has. I have a
bit but I am more sad and confused. A couple weeks after our loss my
husband was struggling with pent up anger so he started riding his
bike to get a release..it helped. Some people say to go out to a
mountain and yell at God....I'm not much of a yeller. Some say to rip
up a paper or break a plate...than you have to clean it up. But I do
think if you don't have some healthy outlet then the anger builds up
and it's another mess to deal with when we are already at our
emotionally empty part of the tank.
I think you are right to want to talk about your loss. I think
talking about it is an important part of grieving....I have always
been a very religious person but right now I am struggling with how it
all works but there's a scripture I like that says when you can't pray
the holy spirit intercedes and prays for you (something like that in
Romans 8). We haven't gone to any grief groups....we are just focused
on our own loss for now. At first I wanted to go to a group but since
we are seeing two counselors I figured we needed some time at home
too.
Well I'm rambling. Take care of yourself.
lloman
Sad
books about it yet. Some of what I read did help because at least I
know I wasn't going crazy. Although some like you say weren't helpful
at all, especially when they made it seem like it gets worse every
year.
I think it's better to see the individual counselors like you are. I
probably went too soon for a group. I need individual talk for now.
I think I had both the sadness and anger. I was thinking about taking
kick boxing for the anger. Usually I just drive and sometimes when I'm
crying, I'll start screaming, then out of nowhere a very loud scream
comes out. It actually always makes me feel better. Maybe I've been
keeping in anger my whole life or something.
When you mentioned your husband riding his bike, I envisioned a
motorcycle. I would love that. I've never even been on a motorcycle so
I don't know why that sounds like such a nice idea. Or even going
horseback riding or something. Something that gives a sense of freedom
but also time alone.
gree...@gmail.com
>She died unexpectedly. She had some health problems for years but was
>stable and okay. Then all the sudden she wasn't feeling well for a
>while. She wasn't ill enough to worry just wasn't herself. She went to
>the hospital and within 2 days was gone. We're all in shock. I feel so
>bad that her doctors didn't find the problem earlier. Maybe they could
>have treated it. The heartbreaking part is I think they did notice
>something last year but misdiagnosed it. I feel like she has been
>violated. I wake up feeling a black hole in my heart. I hate the
>mornings the most.
It's your fault. Maybe you should join her?
Sad
> It's your fault. �Maybe you should join her?
*yawn*
I wish trolls were more entertaining.
lloman
I haven't checked in with you lately. Hope you are doing well. Did
you ever find a counselor you felt comfortable with, or a group you
could connect with? It's good to have a place to or an appointment
with your grief where you can just let all your feelings and thoughts
bubble over. I just wanted to send you hugs and care.
lloman
Sad
today but he's got his own issues with grief so he's not taking new
patients with that issue. I'm having such a hard time find a counselor
and a new group. I should go back to the bereavement counselor but I
guess I felt I got what I needed from that experience. I didn't feel I
could talk in depth with her. I guess I will keep looking.
How have you been? Is school getting better?
(((hugs)))
lloman
hiding from anyone wishing me a "happy" birthday. It is simply not
happy and it's just another hard day to get through. I'm trying not
to be freaked out about getting through the holidays but they seem to
be looming on the horizon. Other than today I'm doing OK. Yesterday
in counseling we were talking about the small blessings in our lives
right now. Despite our grief we still get up and function. We still
go to work. We are still together. We have people who care about us
even if they don't understand what we are going through. It's still a
small triumph that I get up in the morning but I will still
acknowledge that that is something.
Hang in there looking for a support system...we support you here as
best you can.
Love and hugs,
lloman
Sad
I know what you mean about your b-day. My birthday was about 3 weeks
after my Mom passed away and I tried to avoid people too. I didn't see
anyone. The holidays are already making me nervous. I want to go out
of town because I know my family will celebrate them like normal,
which is something I can't do. I seem to grieve so different than they
do. I even thought about Mother's Day and wishing that was over. I
think maybe I'll plan on going far away that day, to another state or
something.
That's good you're focusing on the blessings. I read a saying the
other day, something about if you count your blessings everyday you
will live in a world of blessings or something like that. I hope one
day I feel some blessings. Right now I'm feeling very bleak and
scared. It seems that every week someone in my family gets diagnosed
with cancer. I just seem to be surrounded by death and illness lately.
I hope God gives me a break soon. I feel like I'm 80 years old.
lloman
that in my head like "OK God just let one thing go right." Which
makes me sad, I was never so cynical before but it is my "new" normal
where I have a hard time trusting God and the world. I'm not always
like that but when I am hoping for something that tends to cross my
mind. Things are still moving forward here...not too many other
choices. We are just doing the best we can with a difficult
situation. Don't worry about everyone else in your family grieving
differently. That's pretty normal too. After we lost Franklin, about
4 months later we lost my husband's mother. All of his siblings and
his Dad deal with that loss differently. It was hard though because
we were still in shock at losing Franklin so her loss sometimes seems
unreal.
Hang in there.
(((hugs)))
lloman
Sad
dealing with doctors and research and all that stuff. Helping someone
in my family deal with cancer took my mind off my grief for my Mom for
about a week or so because I'm so busy trying to help him and doing
tons of cooking for him. I'm trying to make him comfortable. Then
today I was crying again for my Mom and wishing I could do all the
things for her when she was sick. We didn't know what was happening. I
did take care of her but not to the extent that I would have wanted to
had I known. I wouldn't have begged her to eat or go to the doctors
had I known she was about to die. *sigh*
I really miss her. I will probably lose my mind at some point.
glor...@webtv.net
"lose your mind"-- but, you will get it back, because you know in your
heart that your Mother wants you to recover and be strong.
Dont rush thru your grief for her, cry and feel it.
Hugs from Mitchel's Mom
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Daniel
I believe it is normal to have ups and downs (or "back to square one's")
including days when nothing's any good and the dark memories intrude and the
tears come back.
The season may have something to do with it. I think memories get triggered by
the oddest things, by some forgotten association with those difficult days that
we didn't even notice at the time. The slant of the light. The color of
leaves. Smells -- the Coyote Brush (part of our local chaparral out here in
coastal N. California) is blooming right now, and I swear it smells like Dad did
when he was in the morphine coma in the final days of the cancer. I smell that
and I can't even tell where it's coming from sometimes but *wham* heart-ache and
dark sad memories.
If you're going crazy, we're all going there together. Also, I have asked
myself, if I lose my mind... would I miss it? ;-)