ALT SUPPORT GRIEF FAQ- PERIODIC POSTING
Catherine
Frequently Asked Questions
for the alt.support.grief newsgroup
Last-modified: February 2, 2002
Maintained By: Catherine (kat...@shaw.ca)
URL Resides At : http://zoom.baton-rouge.la.us/faq.html
IN THIS FAQ
QUESTIONS:
What is alt.support.grief?
What is alt.support.grief NOT?
Is alt.support.grief a place to find professional help?
What are the "stages" of grief?
Will I experience all of these "stages"?
How long does it take to "get over" it?
How is bereavement different from depression?
Does a miscarriage deserve full grieving?
What about suicide survivors?
My best friend's father died last week. What can I do to help?
My pet died yesterday. Do I belong in alt.support.grief?
Can I post poetry I've written to alt.support.grief?
Help! I posted in the newsgroup and no one answered me. Am I being
ignored? What do I do?
QUESTIONS
What is alt.support.grief?
Alt.support.grief is a Usenet newsgroup that (as Bill Chadwick so aptly
puts it) "nobody wants to join". We offer a warm, friendly environment
to anyone dealing with the various stages of the grieving process.
Family and friends of those who are grieving are always welcome, so are
lurkers (people who read but never post -- while posting is encouraged,
it is never demanded; those who are grieving should post only when/what
they are comfortable with).
What is alt.support.grief NOT?
Alt.support.grief is NOT a place for the lovelorn. There are several
other newsgroups available (alt.romance and alt.romance.unhappy are two
excellent ones) that more accurately fit the needs of those experiencing
the grief of a broken relationship.
Alt.support.grief is NOT a place for students to request feedback for
school papers/projects. We are people dealing with various aspects of
grief, we are not laboratory animals. Before posting a request to answer
questions or fill out forms, please keep in mind that people who are
grieving, or helping a loved one through grief, have matters on their
mind that transcend the school grades of non-grieving strangers.
Alt.support.grief is NOT a place for spams. If you absolutely must send
a mass-post to every newsgroup under the sun, please reconsider invading
our grief with something so trivial and insensitive.
Is alt.support.grief a place to find professional help?
No. While caring professionals are always welcome, what you are most
likely to find in alt.support.grief are people dealing with one or more
aspects of the grieving process. The newsgroup is not meant to replace
professional help. Instead, alt.support.grief offers a non-judgmental
forum to anyone trying to cope with grief, as well as a supportive,
online link to other people who are also grieving.
The goal of alt.support.grief: Helping each other through the ups and
downs of the grieving process.
What are the "stages" of grief?
The "stages" of grief include:
Denial
Guilt
Anger
Acceptance
Will I experience all of these "stages"?
Not necessarily. Some people may skip over one "stage", yet linger in
one or more of the others. Unless the "stage" lasts so long as to become
unhealthy or becomes life-threatening, lingering in one stage is not a
cause for concern.
How long does it take to "get over" it?
You don't, you learn to live with your grief and eventually the grief
becomes bearable. No two people deal with grief exactly the same way or
at exactly the same pace. There is no timetable; acceptance of your loss
takes as long as it takes. Don't push yourself to "get through it" --
grief is not something that can be skip ver, nor can it be dealt with
only when you have the time to deal with it -- and don't let anyone else
push you into "moving on to the next stage" if you don't feel you are
ready.
How is bereavement different from depression?
A full depressive syndrome frequently is a normal reaction to the death
of a loved one (bereavement), with feelings of depression and such
associated symptoms as poor appetite, weight loss, and insomnia.
However, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, prolonged and marked
functional impairment, and marked psychomotor retardation are uncommon
and suggest that the bereavement is complicated by the development
of a Major Depression. The duration of "normal" bereavement varies
considerably among different cultural groups. (From:
alt.support.depression FAQ.)
Does a miscarriage deserve full grieving?
Yes! While well-meaning friends may say thoughtless things hoping to
make you feel better, the fact remains that you have lost a person who
was close to you, and quite naturally you are grieving that loss.
What about suicide survivors?
Suicide is often extremely traumatic for the friends and family members
that remain. In addition to the feelings of grief normally associated
with a person's death, there may be guilt, anger, resentment, remorse,
confusion and great distress over unresolved issues. Anyone burdened
with unresolved feelings and issues because someone they were close to
has suicided should seek some form of counselling or other appropriate
help to ease the burden and help resolve their feelings. The stigma
surrounding suicide can make it extremely difficult for survivors to
deal with their grief and can cause them also to feel terribly isolated.
Survivors often find that people relate differently to them after the
suicide, and may be very reluctant to talk about what has happened for
fear of condemnation. They often feel like a failure because someone
they cared so much about has chosen to suicide, and may also be fearful
of forming any new relationships because of the intense pain they have
experienced through the relationship with the person who has suicided.
People who have experienced the suicide of someone they cared deeply
about can benefit from "survivor groups", where they can relate to
people who have been through a similar experience, and know they will be
accepted without being judged or condemned. Most counselling services
should be able to refer people to groups in their local area. (From:
suicide-aus-faq)
My best friend's father died last week. What can I do to help?
1.Take some kind of action. Make a phone call, send a card, give a hug,
attend the funeral, help with practical matters (e.g., meals, care of
children).
2.Be available. Allow the person time so there is no sense of "urgency"
when you visit or talk.
3.Be a good listener. Accept the words and feelings expressed, avoid
being judgmental or taking their feelings personally, avoid telling them
what they feel or what they should do.
4.Don't minimize the loss and avoid giving clichés and easy answers
like, "You're young, you can have more children" or "It was for the
best."
5.Don't be afraid to talk about the loss (i.e., the deceased, the
ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, the disability, the shared memories,
etc.).
6.Allow the bereaved person to grieve for as long or short a time as
needed. Be patient, there are no shortcuts.
7.Encourage the bereaved to care for themselves. They need to attend to
physical needs, postpone major decisions, and allow themselves to grieve
and to recover.
8.Acknowledge and accept your own limitations. Many situations can be
hard to handle, but can be made easier with the help of outside
resources -- books, workshops, support groups, other friends, or
professionals.
My pet died yesterday. Do I belong in alt.support.grief?
Many people form strong, lasting bonds with their pets. When the pet
dies, it is not uncommon for a person to experience the same stages of
grief as they would after the death of a person who was close to them.
Grief is not restricted by the species of the loved one.
After much discussion in ASG, a new newsgroup specifically for grieving
the death of a pet has been opened. The newsgroup is
alt.support.grief.pet-loss and is filled with warm, caring people who
are also dealing with the loss of a beloved pet.
Can I post poetry I've written to alt.support.grief?
Yes. Poetry regarding grief is not only very therapeutic to read, but
also very therapeutic to write. Do post any poetry about grief or the
grieving process to the newsgroup. Memorials to lost loved ones, shared
memories, etc. are never out of place here.
Help! I've posted in the newsgroup and no one answered me. Am I being
ignored? What do I do?
First, you need to give both your Internet server and ours (all of ours)
time to pass the messages back and forth. That doesn't always happen
instantly, sometimes it can take several days.
Second, if it's been a few days since you posted and you are seeing new
messages posted since yours, but not including yours, check with your
Internet server to be sure they are not having a problem with sending
messages out. Yes, it does happen. No, they don't always tell us when
it's happening.
Third, wait a few days for a reply to show up in the newsgroup. There
are times when we may read your post today, but not have time to reply
the way we'd like to until Wednesday. Also, several members use offline
readers -- as one of them, I know I tend to read/reply to posts in
chunks.
Fourth, if you've done all of the above, send an email to Catherine at
kat...@shaw.ca and ask if your post was listed in the newsgroup.
Fifth, if after checking to be sure your posts aren't showing up on the
newsgroup, you are still unable to post to the newsgroup, send your post
in an email to Catherine at kat...@shaw.ca Include your email address!
We will post your message to the group and let everyone know where you
can be reached.
Posts forwarded to the newsgroup for people temporarily unable to post
can be recognized by the subject line -- it will be their email address.
(NOTE: Please keep in mind that, especially during the holidays,
alt.support.grief can accumulate over 200 posts in a day. If you feel
you are being ignored, it is NOT intentional. Please, DO REPOST. There's
a good chance we missed your message on it's first pass -- if so,
there's an excellent chance we'll catch it on the second. We do our
best, but none of us is perfect.)
CONTRIBUTING INFORMATION TO THE ALT.SUPPORT.GRIEF FAQ
If you've found a source of comfort and would like to share it with
other members of alt.support.grief by adding it to our FAQ.
Comments, questions, and suggestions are always welcome!
Who do I contact to contribute information to the FAQ?
Send email to Catherine at: kat...@shaw.ca
FYI
What is a "spam"?
Nothing as innocuous as luncheon meat, unfortunately. A spam is a post
sent and/or copied to every newsgroup the sender can think of. And then
some, or so it seems. Rarely does the post find an appropriate newsgroup
(there usually isn't one), more rarely is it appreciated -- especially
by people who have to read it in every newsgroup they access.
What can be done about "spams"?
1.Ignore it. It WILL go away. Try not to post an angry reply in the
newsgroup; many times an angry reply opens a dialogue that can be very
unpleasant for all involved. It may also unintentionally encourage the
spammer to spam again.
2.If the post is so obnoxious and/or thoughtless that you feel you must
reply, email a copy of the post along with an letter of complaint to the
poster's Internet server.
3.If you see a spam, always check news.admin.net-abuse.misc before you
start flaming someone either in the newsgroup or in email. A majority of
spam is forged on some innocent person's account, and you will be
harming that innocent person. Report or forward the spam to n.a.n-a.m;
they know best how to deal with it and, best of all, have the ability to
cancel the spam quickly and efficient.
4.Keep in mind that, while spams can be annoying, frustrating, and
thoughtless, the only person they really hurt are the inconsiderate
people who post them.
hatty
Catherine <kat...@shaw.ca> wrote in message
news:3C975B1E...@shaw.ca...
> ALT.SUPPORT.GRIEF FAQ
<snippy>
Could alt.support.grief suicide be mentioned in the bit about suicide? In
its (asgs's) charter, it does state that it considers itself a sister to
asg.
I used to occaisionally post the asgs charter on here (similar to the way
the pet-loss group occaisionally post). I got a few unpleasant e-mails last
time I posted it here a few months ago. But those troubled waters seem to be
over now. Asg seems very much back to the caring supportive warm cyberarms
it always was.
hugs
hatty
Catherine
Will post the new one with your info included hopefully by the weekend.
Catherine
Catherine
know about the FAQ and now Michele's posted about the charter too. Can
somebody clue in the clueless here? Thanks ;)
Catherine
Her Serene Highness
> Hatty I'm embarrassed to say I don't know what the charter is. I just
> know about the FAQ and now Michele's posted about the charter too. Can
> somebody clue in the clueless here? Thanks ;)
>
> Catherine
I'm sorry- I meant the FAQ.
hatty
Suicide survivorship is a journey and there aren't any short cuts, but it
can be survived.
(Cecelia - asgs member)
The alt.support.grief.suicide charter can be found at:
http://www.last.dircon.co.uk/asgs/
alt.support.grief.suicide (asgs)
This group is intended for those who have lost someone to suicide to offer
support to each other and find some support and understanding.
Religious flaming and condemnation of the deceased is considered off-topic
unless it is in the context of ones own feelings about the person you have
lost. Religious feelings and beliefs are on topic in the context of your own
feelings but please do not insist that if people only follow "x" faith that
everything will be OK.
No flaming of people considering suicide. Gentle pointers towards more
appropriate groups to give them the support they need and we would advise
that you only invite dialogue if you really feel that you are up to. People
considering suicide will not be turned away.
Absolutely no predjudice, anyone who has lost someone to suicide is welcome
here regardless of age, nationality, sexual orientation, religious belief,
skin colour social class or educational privelege.
This group is intended as a "sister" group to alt.support.grief.
Not all ISPs are carrying this group at presant and you may need to request
it. Please do, even if it is not appropriate for your needs.
No binaries, no attachments.
This is a very rough charter - any suggestions welcome, especially any
appropriate links.
www.road2healing.com
A wonderful site and meeting place for people who have lost people to
suicide.
Thanks to Kate for the links below
1000 Deaths - Memorials, Pictures, Links
http://www.1000deaths.com/
Suicide Survivors Bill of Rights
http://members.tripod.com/~LifeGard/ssrights.html
Survivors of Suicide (SOS) Austin, Texas
http://www.main.org/sos/
http://www.main.org/sos/beyond.html
Jared's Story - Suicide: Depression
http://jaredstory.com/
Lamenting Sons: Fathers and Grief
http://members.tripod.com/~LifeGard/index-4.html
Includes:
* The Suicide Paradigm - Rethinking how we view suicide.
* Penacide: New - Suicide Paradigm Suicide from a disease perspective.
* Ethics Side of Suicide - Ethical issues in serving suicidal individuals.
* The Vocabulary of Loss - A suicide, grief, and ethics glossary.
* Suicide Survivor FAQs - Some information for and about those left behind.
* Suicide Survivor Rights - A survivors bill of rights.
* About Elder Suicide Resource on a late life tragedy.
* A Statement of Rights for Suicidal Individuals - Entitlements for the
suicidal.
* Memo to Suicidal Young - People Message about the aftermath of suicide.
* Suicide Paradigm Guide - Links to sites about suicide and suicide
survivors.
SA\VE - Suicide Awareness\Voices of Education
http://www.save.org/misconc.html
A Book Suggestion and Some Excellent Articles
http://www.save.org/worst.html
BuddhaNet - On Death and Dying (only mentions God within the context of
anger and how could God allow this?)
http://www.buddhanet.net/r_suicid.htm
Includes: Why Suicide? Initial Shock - this isn't happening! Anger -Why am
I so angry? Guilt - if only I'd done something more Relief - I'm
almost glad it's over. Stigma - What do I tell people? Talking to Children.
Suicide is not inherited. Looking ahead
Survivors of Suicide Chat Rooms
http://www.groww.com/sos.htm
Suicide Prevention - Chris's Suicide Help Page
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/1911/
Links to Resources from About.com
http://depression.about.com/health/depression/msub11.htm
=================================================
hatty
Her Serene Highness <nysm...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:fQ0m8.59178$in3.16...@typhoon.nyc.rr.com...
<grin> the alt.support.grief.suicide charter/faq is more charter than faq.
Its very brief. Have posted it.
hatty
Catherine
suicide and I'll include the link in the next ASG FAQ (updated) posting.
I think it can help us word our faq a little better as well, so I really
appreciate you sending us the info. :)
Peace and hope
Catherine