I wish I could make peace with god-2
Zeynep Calin Da Silva
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I really wish, I could, but I can't. as wonderfully put in words in the poem
below, you can't win with me.
Friends of my parents say:" Both of you are so nice and kind persons and god
has blessed you with your dear daughter. It is God's miracle that she has
survived. She was too young to leave you alone", but when it comes to sandro
they say:
" We can't change the way it was fated to be. Sandro and Jasmin are with
God".
and I get so angry at these kind, but totally meaningless words. It is like
a big wave of anger that I can hardly control.
I want to scream:" God blessed my parents with this miracle, but not
sandro's mother, why?
I am too young, so I still should stay with my parents, sandro was too
young, too, but instead of being with us, they have to be god, why?
I want to scream: "stop searching for explanations. There are none. It just
happens. If there was one, I would have found it by now. "
Then I feel this hate growing in me. At these moments I can do nothing, but
hate God.
sorry, if these words hurt some of you, but they reflect my true feelings.
First I feel a big hate, then I feel helpless, as I know this hate won't
change anything. Then I start praying for God to forgive me and to love
them, as much as I did so that they won't miss me much. I pray for help. I
pray for peace. The next day this wave of anger comes high again and this
goes on and on.
I wish I could make peace with God, may be it would mean making peace with
me.
I don't know. I really don't know.
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Poem
You Can't Win With Me
by Jane Warland 1996
If you say to me, "How are you doing?"
with such sympathy and meaning in your voice
I reply, "I'm fine," and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you is just too painful.
If you see me and don't mention the loss
that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough,
or are too scared to mention it for fear
that you might upset me.
You can't win with me.
If you say, "I'm sorry your baby died,"
it is hard for me to reply to that.
What do you expect me to say?
I want to say, "I'm sorry too!" or "It's Awful!"
I want to scream, "It's not fair!!"
But I won't because I don't want to upset myself today,
not in front of you.
So I reply, "Thank you."
That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring, thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realizing that I'm still in pain.
If you don't know what to say to me
that's okay because I don't know
what to say to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh
don't assume I must have forgotten my baby
for the moment, I haven't, I can't, I never will.
Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean
I'm getting good at picking up unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad,
you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered a wave of grief in me.
If you don't say anything I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something,
it might make me feel worse.
You could try asking if I want to talk,
but don't be surprised if I say no.
You can't win with me.
Don't give up on me, please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
however trite you might feel they are
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.
I need all that but most of all I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be before all of this happened.
But I know it's impossible.
That carefree, naive person is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.
So you can't win with me.
I wish
Tara
Loss for words and inappropriate ones are common problems for those who know
and love someone like you who has survived a tragedy.
The loss of Sandro and Jasmin must be incredibly painful for you and it sounds
to me like you have some "survivor guilt."
It's a hard concept to get when you are looking at the carnage of life and you
are wondering why you survived and they didn't.
It's not fair and it's ok to say that.
But what I wanted to tell you that God didn't "do" this to you, accidents
happen for no good reason whatsoever and it's terribly hard to make sense of
the senseless. If you try, you'd drive yourself crazy.
The fact that you reach out and talk to others shows that you are much more in
tune with yourself and God than you think you think you are.
Making peace with God is the easy part. God has been yelled at and cursed at
for centuries by those who have suffered loss and you are by no means the
first. He forgives them just as easily. He knows you're in pain and grieves
with you.
Sometimes we forget that God hurts with us. We tend to think He feels nothing
while we are down here wondering why we are breathing without those we love.
Making peace with ourselves and life is the harder part. There's so much about
life that we don't understand, and there's so much about death that we can't
grasp. And when we are surrounded by people who can't possibly grasp what we
are going through, it's easy to feel as if you are the only person in the world
who is lost.
No one can understand your loss the way you can. You are the one that lost
your husband and daughter, not me, not anyone else. There are those that have
lost a husband and child, but not anyone that lost Sandro and Jasmin. So, that
leaves us all to grieve in our own way.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You are in my thoughts
and prayers.
Tara
Missing Steve 37, Kristin 15, and Bryan 11.
Victims of Homicide April 23,1998
Tara
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I would be gone.
I said, " The whole time."
Tanja
What a beautiful post. You summed it up pretty good.
Carol
God knows how much you are hurting. He experienced the death of a child
and He knows how much it hurts.
The one thing that helped me was to pray saying...."Here's my pain, here's
my grief, here's my lonliness, here's my anger, here's my sadness.. you take
them from me. Your word promises that if I am cast all my cares upon you
and you will take them."
God didn't cause the death of Sandro and Jasmin. They were two wonderful
souls who accomplished their work here on earth and claimed the promise of
the ressurection. Look for the gifts these two wonderful souls placed in
your life and in Sondro's mother's life. Perhaps the gifts have not been
revealed to you just yet, but they will come.
Carol
Mother of William Randolph "Chip" Lowry
5-9-78 to 11-20-99
Daniel
Should I even try this next thought? Here goes:
Personal belief: there is such a thing as "chance". We say some
events are good, some are bad. I believe God "allows" or "permits"
according to the rules He made. Of course if you are God, you can do
anything you want, but since He made the rules, He pretty much lets
things play out according to those rules -- rules like gravity,
inertia, etc. But what if one of the rules is, Free Will For Humans?
That muddies the water. Allowing free will makes it seem that God
doesn't care, or is sadistic. But our freedom is so precious to Him
that He allows a LOT of things, like bad drivers, even if that means
there will be auto wrecks. He allows things like heart attacks to
take the lives of others who had so much more to give. If you ask me
why, or why this one and not that one, I can only reply, "God only
knows." When God wants you to know why, He may tell you. I don't
know.
I do know that I care about you. I am glad you were there to post on
ASG when I was new. It saddens me to feel your hurting. People who
feel deeply are capable of being hurt deeply. I'm sorry.
Peace to you. I often think of you, and your beloved Sandro and
Jasmin. And my thoughts are often prayers.
--
Daniel
deltae...@usa.net
Windyedge Farms
inside and out. I've been reading posts here about both the insensitive
comments people say about my child being needed in heaven and making peace
with God. I think these issues are related. Once I made peace with God,
the remarks about God needing another angel, etc. stopped bothering me so
much.
How did I make peace with God? Through much struggle and prayer. I never
lost my faith in God but was very angry with him for not plucking my
daughter out from under that rolling car. Finally, after 2 or 3 years I
just gave up talking to Him. I prayed and told God that I just couldn't
talk to him anymore. He made me so mad and was giving me no answers to my
pleas for explanations; my prayers seemed futile and hollow. So I silenced
my pleas and got on with life.
My silence didn't last long. I guess I just never realized how much I
prayed, without even being concious of it. The lack of prayer created a
void in my life. Where before I would pray, now I would think, "Stop that,
Jo, you weren't going to talk to him anymore, remember?" This routine got
tiresome.
I finally came to my own conclusions. I decided that bad things happen to
good people for no reason other than this is an imperfect world. God set it
into motion, gave us the right to choose good from evil and provided an
eternal salvation through His son. Preservation of my right to choose,
though, has a downside. I have to accept the bad with the good.
I believe that God put me on earth fully equipped with a perfect plan for my
life. He knew that I would make choices and others would make choices which
would cause many detours and rerouting in that plan. He cried first when my
daughter died. His perfect plan for me did not include this pain. His gift
of free will, however, made me suseptible to it.
I have made my peace with God. I will always feel the pain of Melissa's
absence. But I will always feel the relief of knowing that when I die, it
is God who made the sacrifice which makes my reunion with her possible.
This is how I found my peace. You will find yours. Peace with God and
peace with others will come to you, too. Let your feelings run their
course.
Mother of Melissa Jo
1980-1994
Tanja
Tanja
Daisy
blamed him for taking my son...yet I knew this was not true and I battled my
heart and mind with this for a long time. Making peace with God is what got
me through the ordeal....knowing he is now with Jesus waiting for me to join
him one day, and looking down on his mom with so much love, well that's what
gets me through every day without him. It's normal to blame God for the
death of our loved ones....he expects it, but once you make that peace then
everything starts to look up again. ((hugs))
Daisy
Busters Mom
Windyedge Farms <wndy...@ndak.net> wrote in message
news:t0utfdd...@corp.supernews.com...
Zeynep Calin Da Silva
you all from the heart.
you are all very special and I think God choses special ones not only for
good things but also for the sad things.
it is so easy to be good and special, if everything in your life is OK, but
being the same special person, even if you hurt so much, that is what
actually makes you special.
thank you again. Altough I can not see you, I know you are there for me and
that I'm in your thoughts like I can't see sandro and jasmin, but feel that
they are always with me, not only in my heart.
Praying that our loved ones are embraced by the eternal love of god until we
meet again.
zeynep