for lloman: franklin's mama
donna
i am so, so, very sorry for the loss of your beloved son. i
understand the pain you are going through and i know the hole in your
heart.
i went insane, no doubt, for the past 3 1/2 years. savannah, my
bright light, was 22 years old and she fell over dead from a sudden
cardiac death on january 19th, 2006. no hint ... a congenital heart
defect and it was all over it a heartbeat. i was home alone with her
and gave her cpr until the emt's arrived.
now i go for minutes at a time without hurting for her.
i am here for you.
best to you,
donna
lloman
Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm sorry for your loss and the
trauma of it all. I know how often I think about how I held Franklin
when he was first born and I never imagined holding him as he died.
It still doesn't seem real and yet it has been 8 months since I held
him.
Thank you for being here and reaching out to all of us here. This
place has been helpful to me to share my feelings and that sad comfort
to know others have walked this path.
Thanks,
lloman
donna
dear lloman,
i'm not sure the words exist; if they do i don't have the mastery of
them, to adequately describe the pain of having a child die.
it's as if the rules of the universe suddenly change. all those
beliefs that kept our psyches safe, the knowledge that no matter what
happened we'd be mentally able to cope, are all thrown out the
window. bereft, alone and lost. i recall screaming: 'i'm not going
to live through this, i can't stand it.'
you say it doesn't seem real. i understand. my perception of reality
also altered. i remember making plans on what i'd say to all my
friends when savannah came home. 'there was a mistake' i'd say, 'it
was just a mistake.'
i ache deep in my heart for you. i'd return your beloved child to you
if i could.
best,
donna
Sad
How are you doing? I always think about you when I come to the group.
lloman
I think of you as well. I read the posts regularly but lately haven't
written because I just feel unable to put my life into words these
days. I'm hanging in there. Functioning and working the way i'm
supposed to....at home it is a bit more real and I let down my guard.
Halloween was tough...no little guy to dress up and today it is 9
months since I held Franklin when they disconnected the respirator.
On days like this I feel like I haven't made much progress....miss him
like crazy. Lately I have tried praying again but I just ask for God
to let me see what Franklin is like in Heaven...something to picture
when I struggle with negative thoughts. This morning I woke up a bit
more rested and I wondered if I saw him in my dreams. Counseling is
going well. I opened up more to my counselor about other things that
have caused me stress on top of my grief. She was very encouraging
and I am so thankful for someone to listen to me without fear of
judgement or misunderstanding. We are trying not to go crazy over the
upcoming holidays but I would be lying if I said I don't tear up
everytime I think of a Christmas tree or present or ornament. I don't
know how we'll handle it all. We've decided to spend Thanksgiving
just the two of us. We don't want to be surrounded by all our
beautiful nieces and nephews knowing we have no Franklin and therefore
any family gathering is just incomplete and difficult for us. Our
family is being understanding although I'm sure they wish we would do
what we've always done before.
How are you doing? I hope you have found some people near you to help
support you during this time. Know that even though I am not there in
person I am with you through this site and I hope you have found some
comfort and peace....I know they are hard to come by.
Take care,
lloman
Sad
not be part of the big celebration. I already told my family I'm not
going to be there for Christmas. They have all moved on with their
lives like nothing happened, so they aren't the people I want to be
around. They like to joke about funny things my Mom used to say and
stuff. I guess that's healthier than being sad but I don't understand
how they picked up so fast after her death. Sometimes I wonder if they
even cared about her. I know they cried in the very beginning but
sometimes I wonder if they feel sad at all now. My sister just got
back from a vacation and had a great time. I don't think she thought
about my Mom at all. I can't imagine going on vacation right now. Oh
well, I guess everyone is different. Anyway, I think you and your
husband being together is what's important. We all have to do what our
instinct tells us.
I still don't really have much support but at this point, my focus is
on my Dad's health. I will probably have a break-down once it's all
over. He seems to be doing better than doctors said so I'm grateful
for that. They told me he would be gone in a week and that was 3 weeks
ago. I'm praying he can be here for the holidays.
I'm feeling sorry for myself right now because one of my most
supportive friends is never available when his kids are visiting. He
is divorced so only sees them on weekends. Today he has them over as a
last minute thing. I called to talk with him since I'm feeling down.
Of course he should focus on them but I feel like I'm so unimportant
to him when I call and he can't even talk for a minute. I know it's
silly, his kids are obviously more important than me, but I guess it
just brings home the fact that I really don't matter to anyone like I
mattered to my Mom. It's very depressing!
I understand what you mean about not really having the words to
describe feelings. I'm like that a lot. I come to check on messages
here everyday but then I rarely post because I usually feel unsure of
how I feel and not clear on how to describe it anyway.
I hope your Monday went okay. I'm glad your counseling is going well.
*hugs*
donna
dear lloman,
> I read the posts regularly but lately haven't
> written because I just feel unable to put my life into words these
> days. ................................the words don't seem to exist, do they? how can ink marks on a page express the depth of the pain you are going through? how can other people, those lucky ones who have never suffered this way, grasp the misery? it's so tough.
you don't have to try and progress, lloman. just make it through
another day. those days will eventually build. now, i can go for
about one hour without thinking of savannah's death. i'm not
hysterical every day. i can work. this is a long, black road you've
had to begin. one step at a time.
these holidays will be hard. the first year my sons and i tried to
have a christmas and that was a mistake. i ended up taking photos of
her grave and going to bed. now, i work. it lets some other person
with a whole family enjoy time off with those they love.
do whatever you heart tells you. there are no mistakes to be made,
whatever it takes.
this year i was diagnosed with 'complicated grief' coupled with post
traumatic stress disorder. probably as accurate a label as can be
found. a fancy way for people to say i haven't 'moved on'. and
that's ok too.
i think of you, i think of franklin and i'm sorry.
best,
donna
donna
dear sad,
you wrote:
>
> I'm feeling sorry for myself right now because one of my most
> supportive friends is never available when his kids are visiting. He
> is divorced so only sees them on weekends. Today he has them over as a
> last minute thing. I called to talk with him since I'm feeling down.
> Of course he should focus on them but I feel like I'm so unimportant
> to him when I call and he can't even talk for a minute. I know it's
> silly, his kids are obviously more important than me, but I guess it
> just brings home the fact that I really don't matter to anyone like I
> mattered to my Mom. It's very depressing!
what you are feeling is not 'silly' at all. your mother just died.
the person you loved so much, one who sounds funny and witty and so
warm. the person who you were closest to in life is not here
anymore. so, what would that make you if you were NOT depressed? of
course you are sad, that is not feeling sorry for yourself. you have
the right to anything you experience. one of the hardest parts for me
was the feeling of isolation, being utterly alone in the grief that
was in my heart. it's just so hard, isn't it?
thinking of you.
i'll be home in five days and we'll talk more then.
best,
donna
lloman
I had a strange day today. I was teaching my class when one of my new
9th graders (who didn't know that Franklin has died) asked me "is that
your baby?" because I have his picture on my wall by my desk. I just
said yes and then started crying. I not only felt sad for me but for
this poor girl who started crying thinking she had hurt my feelings.
I tried to comfort her....no idea how this will impact her and for the
first time felt like "should I be here with these kids? I can barely
hold it all together."
It's a miracle I don't cry every day in class and yet today was the
first time I had a "griefburst" in front of my kids. It was so hard
to keep talking about ionic bonding...who cares about that stuff when
your world feels like it is falling apart. People keep telling me it
gets harder before it gets better and I look ahead and think "how can
it get harder than this?" "How will I make it?"
I miss that innocence of thinking the world was a safe place, that God
could protect my family, and that little boys grow up and get to have
birthdays or go to school. I cannot help but think what would
Franklin look like as he grew up...who would he be today. Sorry for
the sadness but tonight I feel very sad.
Franklin's mama
Sad
Hi - I'm so sorry you're having a rough night.
We learn so much more from our teachers than just the actual subjects
and lessons. I can remember things from even 1st grade. I remember a
teacher crying because the class was being very rowdy and she was
frustrated. Then she explained to us she was having a hard time with
something in her life. Kids need to learn that it's okay to cry when
you're sad.
So you shouldn't feel bad about it or wonder if you should be there.
Of course you should be there, unless you feel that it's not helping
you heal. You're teaching them how people handle tragedies in their
life and still keep going. That's an important lesson since,
unfortunately, many of those students will one day experience
something very difficult in one way or another. They might look back
at you and gain strength from that.
I'm sure you're a great teacher and a blessing to your students.
*hugs*
lloman
It is just so hard some days. How are you doing? I know it is a
silly question to ask as we all struggle along but I am thinking of
you and hope there is some measure of peace to be found in your day.
((hugs))
Sad
I hope you're finding some peace too. I was doing really bad for a few
days. I kept crying and feeling empty. I was missing her so much I
felt like I couldn't handle it. I kept going over everything in my
mind about the hospital and all that. Then I remembered it was the 4th
month anniversary. I forget about dates now because I never look at a
calendar or keep track anymore. So it hit me that I will probably
always automatically have that feeling for the anniversary date and
also the 3 days leading up to that since that's when she was in the
hospital. It's strange how your body and soul know what day it is even
when you aren't consciously aware yourself.
Today I feel a little more peaceful. I'm really exhausted though and
feel like I could fall asleep at any point during the day. ((hugs))
donna
dear franklin's mama,
i'm so very proud of you. i know that you believe you are extremely
fragile at this point in your life. but what strength and love you
have to be able to continue teaching children.
and what a life lesson they learned when you burst into tears. in
years to come, the chemical bonding lesson itself will fade, but the
bonding and meaning of love and loss ... the honesty and pain from
your soul ... not one single child will ever forget.
never be sorry for your sadness. you and i and all the others will be
sad forever. we will not see our children on this earth again and
what could ever be sadder?
i will be keeping you and your husband close to my heart through these
first holidays; it's going to be tough. but you are not alone.
my best to you,
donna
Sad
lloman
> How are you doing?
Good question. I felt like Christmas was so far away and now here it
is....this time last year I was playing with my beautiful brown eyed
baby boy. Today I was baking and I turned half expecting him to be
playing there watching me. I miss him so much and have mostly ignored
the holidays. The Christmas Carol "Mary did you know." just about
breaks my heart....no Mother knows the path of her child and my
child's path was too short for me. At counseling tonight we lit a
candle in his honor and memory and had a beautiful time of
remembrance. I get through the days OK but every other thought is
still filled with disbelief that Franklin is not physically here with
me. We just do the best we can.
How are you doing? Hope you are hanging in there during this
difficult time of year.
((Hugs)) Franklin's Mama
Sad
That's so nice about the candle and remembrance. "Mary did you know"
is very touching. Did you decide to spend Christmas Day with the whole
family? I finally decided to do what feels the most comforting to me
so I'm going to stay at my Mom's house with her urn. I made the
bedroom really pretty and peaceful, plus I put up some of her favorite
Christmas decorations in her room. I'm just going to be alone except I
will talk on the phone with a few people. Some of my friends sent me
gifts so I would have stuff under the tree. I know my Mom would be
glad about that because she used to have so much fun spoiling me with
gifts on Christmas!
I thought I was handling the holidays okay but then a relative emailed
me about some things that I'm not ready to do, like choose a place for
the ashes and other things that I wasn't even going to think about
until sometime next year. So that threw me into some sad thoughts and
anxiety. I do so much better when I don't talk to family.
I'm always thinking about you and wondering what you're doing. I hope
this week goes okay for you and your husband. I can almost picture
Franklin in my mind. He's lucky to have you for a Mom.
(((hugs)))
lloman
also stressful. I also still feel so sad seeing everyone with their
kids when mine is not there. We will see some family one couple at a
time and not on Christmas. Just remember take care of
yourself....everyone else will just have to wait and they can't force
you to be ready before you are. I just walked by Franklin's room...it
is still the same as the last day he was here. It may be a long time
before I have the strength or desire to go through his closet or
drawers. So take your time about your Mother's ashes. I know when I
feel pressured by others to be better or to be who I was before this
loss I end up feeling depressed and even angry. Remember there are
people who understand...we are here at this site.
Take care,
Franklin's mama
Sad
Mine was okay. I was doing fine until later in the day on Christmas. I
ended up going to bed early with a bad headache and overall not
feeling well. I woke up very depressed. I'm okay again now though. I
guess the roller coaster is part of my life now. I'm glad the first
Christmas is over.
I hope you are okay.
*hugs*
lloman
out to the Christmas tree. It was really great to see him again.
Other than that we ignored the holiday and got through it as best we
could. I am glad it is over as well.