When the numbness wears off
PedersonDC
The feelings I tried so hard to avoid for so long will not leave my alone these
days. I keep finding myself with a huge lump in my throat I cannot push back
down nor do I feel able to release through tradional expressions of emotion
such as crying or screaming. Unlike other physical ailments, there are no
perspcriptions a doctor can write to cure my feelings. As Kevin, my partner in
recovery, likes to say, I must go through the process. In my case this process
is feeling.
The impulse to purge, while still incredibly poweful, feels barely controllable
right now. Yesterday I ate something believing there was no way in hell I
could keep the food in me through digestion. I surprised myself by going
through the great discomfort of feeling incredibly full and large. I know this
a major accomplishment because in the past I could not see the option of living
with my mistake.
I most definitely was/am self-medicating right now by turning to food for the
wrong reasons and even smoking again since Friday. I know I am in huge
emotional pain if I am smoking.
A lot of this began when my therapist refused to handle my appointment over the
phone Monday when I felt unable to make it in person. One of the few people on
whom I feel I can count unconditionally seemed to abandon me. All of the good
work we do together gave way to intense anger in which I expressed to her in a
phone message. The anger continued to build until she became a demon in my
mind.
I felt like I was back at Renfrew when my parents did not know I was there and
my marriage was falling apart. The sense of aloneness felt quite unbearable.
I even turned to sleep to escape the pain.
As is turns out, my therapist says she did not know I was physically ill on
Monday. When I said I was experiencing a mini panic attack, I did not say I
also felt sick. She claims that if I had done a better job at expressing
myself, she would have worked with me to see me at another time and not
penalize me financially for the session. As Sara wrote, she felt that in order
to take good care of myself it was most important for me to be there in person.
She made this determination without the knowledge that I was not well.
Our session on Thursday was chock full of confrontation and pain. It brought
up all of the raw feelings I experienced with regard to my ex and his refusal
to be there for me when I needed him the most.
Well, at least I am somewhat aware of why I hurt so much today. My goal is to
take care of myself with regard to my feelings, expressing them here, and by
careful food consumption.
I am on my way to three months without purging which represents a huge break in
what had once again become a vicious cycle. I do not want to go back to this
behavior.
Thank you for reading. It gives me great comfort to know there are some people
at their own computers reading and understanding what I am going through.
Ellen
TBeschen
it sounds like the numbness *is* wearing off and you are left with raw, ugly
feelings. it's a horrid frustration to not be able to expess and/or let out
your feelings - - especially you know that crying or screaming would help.
hopefully today you will feel as if you can cry and let out a lot of the
emotions that have been hiding this week. i know you were able to let out some
of the anger feelings to your therapist, but i know there is also a sadness
that hasn't surfaced - - the abandonment feeling you were speaking of and
looking back at your husband's mistreatment. relax this weekend and keep on
holding onto the fact that you have a lot of abstinence built up from purging.
i know you can do it, ellen. you have shown us your strength in the past. i
hope this week is better for you. enjoy your weekend and please post when you
feel like talking - -. yes, i am listening : )
sending smiles, love and hope,
karin : )
Sunshell92
you are so right, there are no meds which can cure certain emotions. i too
have resorted to sleep this past week to escape the pain. and the overwhelming
sense of lonliness has me too. i just finished drawing my feelings, do you do
that ever? art work? i am sure you guys must have done some of that at renfrew.
however, i find my feelings intensifying as i draw. it only temporarily takes
away the urge to purge and then i am crying more than ever. i realized how
much the b/p takes the place of the need for love that i have. just a hug, or
a simple touch. but there is noone there who has ever loved me, nor have i
ever been number one in anyones life. watching tv or reading jsut doesnt cut it
to soothe myself i realize cause that is not what i am craving. and its not
food. its love
ellen HOW is it that you are able to not purge? i just dont get it. i say
bravo to you
hugs
shell
Ears With Feet
taking to help yourself become well. Yeah, it can definitely be harder than
heck, and can feel really awful at times, but things will get better. I know
what happened with your therapist really hurt you, and has affected you. But I
feel Ellen, it might be helpful to look at a bigger picture here. Look at the
relationship you have had with your therapist. Has she always been there for
you, have come to trust her, has she show you her trust, has she shown you that
she cares? The way you have wrote, it does not sound to me it was your
therapists intention to hurt you, or break your trust. Though, your feelings
are very valid, and understandable... But do you get what I'm trying to say?
It sounds to me, that what happened was not about her, but more about you, and
what's happened to you in your life that this situation triggered.
Don't give up Ellen... The process of healing is a process of learning, and
growing. My thoughts and own of prayers are with you my friend! Be good to
you! :)
Ears
There can be no transforming of
darkness into light and of apathy
into movement without emotion.
- Carl Jung
The voyage of discovery lies not in finding
new landscapes but in having new eyes.
- Marcel Proust
Sarah
hindered your relationship with your t? Sarah
Justice - When you get what you deserve
Mercy - When you don't get what you deserve
Grace - When you get what you don't deserve
"Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
too much to love........"
PedersonDC
It is clear to me you really understand how I am feeling. Just being
understood so well is quite comforting.
The numbness gave way for maybe half an hour last night when I failed to attend
a charity event because I hated the way I look. I had been planning to go to
this fund raiser for quite some time. I had purchased the ticket, arranged to
go with friends, etc. When it came time to put my dress on I could not stand
the way I look. Just a few weeks ago this dress looked fine on me.
I continue to cling to the idea that my abstinence is well worth the price of
the sadness and isolation I feel lately. I need to believe those who keep
reminding me of this important truth.
> please post when you
>feel like talking - -. yes, i am listening : )
This means the world to me.
with Love,
Ellen
PedersonDC
You too can relate to how I am feeling. I am sorry you are going through such
a similar phase. As Karin writes in her post, it does get better.
I like the idea of expressing your feelings through art. I must admit I have
not tried this since Renfrew. Maybe I can give it a shot today. I also think
I might be able to express myself by taking pictures.
I hope you can tell others like your friends and therapist how much a simple
touch would mean to your right now. If you were here I would give you a giant
hug. Maybe you can do something loving for yourself right now. A buble bath,
give yourself a manicure, a facial, condition your hair, etc.
How am I able to not purge??? Good question. Especially since my body feels
so yucky right now and it often accelerates my weight loss.
I guess I am searching the big picture with the knowledge that purging will
just catch up to me and make things worse. I need to work on things inside of
me this time.
I am ready to stop living this life of secrets. I want to start exploring a
new level of candor with my therapist I have not reached yet. The secrets need
to come out once and for all.
Shell, do whatever you can to keep your food down. Why not eat well and leave
your home for an extended period? Go to a movie where you will be distracted.
Go to the library and read the books you love to read. Go to Church and than
go out with some others afterward.
I am holding your hand. We can do this together.
Love,
Ellen
Betsy
> I continue to cling to the idea that my abstinence is well worth the price of
> the sadness and isolation I feel lately. I need to believe those who keep
> reminding me of this important truth.
There will be an end to this phase, I wish I could tell you when. Look for the
moments of respite from the sadness, notice how it comes and goes in waves.
You've been through an awful lot just in the past few weeks. The fact that you
haven't purged through it all shows your strength and commitment.
Betsy
--
"Hope" is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all (Emily Dickinson)
Sunshell92
no i am not going to call you boo again LOL!
or hon for that matter LOL!
anyway,
>I also think
>I might be able to express myself by taking pictures.
>
as in photography? i never knew you did that ellen. am i on the right note? how
do you do that? express yourself through photography that is? that is a really
cool different idea. something i would enjoy (that is if my sis didnt lose my
camera!)
>If you were here I would give you a giant
>hug.
thank you ellen
> Maybe you can do something loving for yourself right now. A buble bath,
>give yourself a manicure, a facial, condition your hair, etc.
>
if i can start feeling a little better, i was hoping to babysit even once a
week for the massage school here gives massages for ten bucks an hour. i think
that would help immensely get me through hard days
>I guess I am searching the big picture with the knowledge that purging will
>just catch up to me and make things worse. I need to work on things inside
>of
>me this time.
i still must say you are a strong person ellen. i have the knowledge described
above. but its like a monster takes over.
> The secrets need
>to come out once and for all.
this is what is so frustrating mostly for me. i wish i had never known the
word bulijmia. that i didnt have this as a coping skill. i want the secrets
out, i want to heal, i want to move on. i wish i didnt have this hinderance,
that i woudl be forced to deal with the feelings. i am desperate enough to get
my hands oln whatever that drug is that prevents you from being physically able
to purge. honestly. iam going ot ask my doctor about it tomorrow as soon as
the office opens
i know that if purging wasnt an option, i would not binge. for i dont for
instance while at my familys house. that or i am willing to undergo surgery to
fix my sphincter so i wouldnt be able to at least auto purge
> Why not eat well and leave
>your home for an extended period?
an old time friend who lives across the lake just got a new house and is off of
work on wed and thursday. i am calling her tomorrwo to see if i can go stay
with her. twenty minutes from my nana, who is out of town right now but will
be back tomorrow. then i might go stay with nana on friday through saturday
and drive home sunday morning in time for church. at least that will take care
of a few days.
>I am holding your hand. We can do this together.
>
thank you sweetie, i hope things start looking up for you to
hugs
shell
ClixPix
>as in photography? i never knew you did that ellen. am i on the right note?
how
>do you do that? express yourself through photography that is? that is a
really
>cool different idea. something i would enjoy (that is if my sis didnt lose
my
>camera!)
I'm not speaking for Ellen here, as I don't know what her particular
experience with photography has been, but I will address it from my own
experience and perspective...
A lot of people don't realize that photography can go far beyond
point-and-shoot, mom-and-dad-and-the-kids type of pictures, snapshots, that
it is and can be expressed as an artistic medium. "Fine-art" photography
often is very abstract and very far removed from "snapshots." While most
people think of photographs as capturing the "real," the "here-and-now," in
actuality, with creative use of a camera, images can be captured which don't
reflect the reality as such, but perhaps a small segment of it....or an
abstraction of it... or a frank distortion of it.....some of my photos are
of the "guess-what-this-is" sort, the "wow, that's neat, but what IS it?"
type of image rather than the easily recognizable snapshotty sort of image.
And it's in the eye and mind of the photographer, too, not necessarily in
the equipment, where an image is actually created, although certainly one
can achieve certain results with specific or more sophisticated equipment
that cannot be matched with a simple point-and-shoot. Someone who has a
basic manual camera (one which doesn't have every function controlled
automatically, which can inhibit and limit creativity) can often do pretty
well, if he or she is creative, while someone who has the top-of-the-line
most expensive and versatile equipment might not quite meet the challenge,
although his or her equipment certainly is set up to do so...
Taking classes in a community college or local recreation center is a great
way to start out in photography. This is where you learn from the basics on
up -- from developing your own (black-and-white) film to printing your
images to scrutinizing your images to see how they might have been better...
Learning about contrast and about getting the real subject that you intend,
as opposed to a lot of extraneous "information" in the picture. Learning
about how your choice of film can influence the way your images come out....
In advanced classes, there is the opportunity to learn the history of
photography and to see examples from the masters and to appreciate just WHY
those images are so important...and to use them as a guideline for creating
one's own images...
At some point, you will delve into color, and discover that there is a lot
of difference in the thinking and approach when doing color images vs
black-and-white. The whole process of producing a color print is different,
too, and in my opinion, not as exciting because it is more mechanized and
not as much hands-on. There is truly something magical about standing in a
darkroom, in the semi-darkness, inhaling that distinctive chemical odor,
gently rocking a tray full of chemicals back-and-forth, and watching the
blank sheet of paper which lies in that chemical bath suddenly begin to
develop a black-and white image...the image which YOU envisoned as you
clicked the shutter, the image which you took.... (and of course there is
the frustration when seeing that the image coming up in the chemical bath is
NOT what you had intended at all, and that it must be tossed out, or
reworked extensively by changing the contrast or by burning-and-dodging
portions of the image to get the desired effect).
Now, too, there is the whole new realm and challenge of digital imaging --
the "digital darkroom," in which there are no messy/smelly chemicals at all,
just the computer. This, too, has its own learning curve and
advantages/disadvantages.
I am still learning on a daily basis, especially with the latter, the
digital darkroom...
In many ways, the advent of digital imaging and digital cameras has greatly
increased and accelerated the learning curve of photography, because in
using a digital camera, one can immediately see the results when shooting
an image and can learn from experimentation right then and there rather than
having the delay of going into the chemical darkroom and trying to remember
what the particular shooting situation was for a given negative. In the
past, such instant information about each image was only available when
shooting medium format or large format, where a polaroid back could be put
on the camera and a polaroid shot made of the scene to get the lighting,
poses, perspective, etc., right. This was usually restricted to studio
photography or large-format field photography (landscapes and buildings).
Now, with a digital camera, one can shoot the image and immediately see the
results in the LCD screen or the "playback" function of the camera.
For me, it's been really exciting to have gone through a lot of
photography's history and technological developments and to have continued
the learning process...
--Connie
--
"Starving the flesh wastes the spirit."
--Kandis Elliot