Jounaling through binge urges - Part 1/3
Artemis
Several months ago, Betsy and Speck were discussing trying to journal through
the urge to binge. I went and looked up my old journals -- I knew I'd managed
it once or twice, and thought I'd like to share in the hopes that someone will
find it helpful, and also because I'd like to share some really intense
moments with people who can actually understand what I was going through.
This extract is pretty old, in fact it comes from Day 5 of my all-time 1st
recovery stretch!! I have a special place in my heart for those days --
they were so, so different, and new, and scary.
It's very early recovery, so there is mention of specific binge foods,
calories and fat percentages. I almost never write about those things
in my journal anymore, in fact I find them intensely boring now.
There's mention of a dog in there, and I wasn't feeling too kindly towards
her at the time. Before the dog lovers jump all over me, let me say that
it was my roomie's dog; he would leave for the day with her locked in his
basement apartment, and she would get lonely and bark and bark and bark.
I'd let her outside when I could, but I couldn't leave her to roam around
the house, because believe it or not, she wouldn't use her litter box. Her
owner wasn't very responsible and it was a big pain for the rest of us,
including the poor dog.
Anyway, enough with the disclaimers, here's the journal, spoilered for
mention of several foods, a calorie number and a fat percentage. Oh, and
for those who don't know, my background is recovering binge-eater.
Artemis -- I have two other extracts that I'll post later if people are
--}-> interested.
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Saturday 29th June 1996, 7:19PM
Saturday evening. I've had a great Saturday. Got up around 7:20 (yes!),
had a nice, slow breakfast outside <with The Dog out downstairs>, took a
shower, brushed my teeth + my hair, and set out for the Crafts shop at 9:40,
on foot. Quite a feat, huh? It felt great. I felt free. Got some stuff,
overspent a little, but thought it out first, not too impulsive.
Walking back home, decided to go to the movies since the bus stop was on my
way & the bus was about to come by. Had cheeseburger, fries for lunch.
Allowed myself 1 candy bar. All OK. Went OK at the movies too.
Now it's the evening, and I feel like a pint of Ben & Jerry's Coffee Toffee
Crunch... I want to eat it watching TV. I have Brisco to watch, & The
American President to possibly order.
I want the ice-cream, but I'm not sure whether I want to -- should -- allow
it. The side of me that wants it argues that if I give everything up
suddenly, it'll blow up in my face days/weeks down the line: mega-binge,
and unable to get back up. So I should have it. Just that. It's not that
bad -- 1200-something calories? And it'll give me a chance to check out
whether it really *is* 50 or 60% fat.
The other side of me argues that that argument has gotten me into big
trouble before -- that it usually *leads* to the mega-binge and the total
relapse <or is my sanity a relapse?!?>
<stupid dog's barking - get out and get that ice-cream says Voice #1>
Voice #2 says it's only habit -- I've been scarfing down ice-creams on
Saturday night for so long it's just habit. You've had a good day -- take
the opportunity to start breaking the habit.
Voice #1 says I can't!
Voice #2 says yes you can. It's not that difficult. Give up a little
pleasure now for greater freedom later. Paint that ED watercolor you've
been thinking about with the stuff you bought this morning.
Voice #1 is mulling it over, partially convinced. I didn't expect this to
happen when I started writing in here.
Voice #2 No, but you allowed it to happen by pausing before the impulse.
Voice #1 So it's OK to...? ;-)
Voice #2 I didn't say that. But whatever happens, this is progress, so--
<Voice #1 tries to stop #2 from writing this>
--whatever happens, don't beat yourself up over it.
Voice #1 Isn't it funny that I'm the one doing the action, then punishing
myself because of it? Isn't that your job?
Voice #2 I am you.
Voice #1 I'm tired. I don't think I'm going out.
The two voices merge and vanish.
-----
8:30PM
Well, look at the time. :-) I slept till 8:20, then went to brush my teeth.
The urge for that ice-cream has completely vanished, and I feel free again.
I'm still tired -- not sure if I'll just go to bed now or not.
Dog is still barking -- she can bark till hell freezes over.
I feel free again! A little fragile, but free. A little dazed & unsure, too,
but for now, FREE!
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Sunshell92
thanks for sharing that
shell
Butterflies
Artemis,
I would definitely be interested in reading the other two extracts from your
journal, if you don't mind posting them. I found this one quite interesting and
somewhat applicable to me.
Love,
Butterflies
dw...@prodigy.net
speck
Thank you for sharing that! Are you sure you didn't plagiarize it from
my journal??? I totally could have written that exact same thing. I
also have arguments with myself about whether I should indulge certain
cravings. It's really frustrating, because I don't know what the right
thing to do is. On the one hand, it's part of normal eating to have
treats, but on the other hand, I know that for me it's more than normal
eating, it's entertainment and comfort and emotional sustenance. But
how does it help to deprive oneself of something one wants/needs?
Argh. Do you know what the answer is?
I would love it if you would post more!
speck
Betsy
work lately, between the two voices. Especially I recognize the voice telling me
that I *can* do it, even though it feels hard. I've also experienced the cravings
disappear after just putting them off for a little while. *Yes!*
What I still stumble over is when I allow the ED voice to run rampant without even
trying to slow it down or communicate with it. Why do I give in to it like this?
I think it's because I feel like my life is so controlled at work, I'm SO
conscientious and SO responsible that I let the ED voice take over for that
instant relief (even though it really isn't). I believe that the real solution is
to find a less stressful work situation -- but the thought of changing is
stressful in itself! Why am I convinced that the only way my life can work is the
way it's going now?
Some rambling, because I'm feeling a bit down -- sad, anxious, confined.
But thank you for the post and I hope you post the other two.
Betsy