depression and cheating --your view?
frank wild
I have been told that a woman suffering from
depression would not care enough about life
or have enough energy to pursue and extramarital
affair.
I have also been told that depressed women often
seek to fall in love with someone new as a way
out of their despondency. In fact, that depression
is a number one cause of women cheating on husbands.
What do you think?
If you agree with the second statement, please
tell about cases you have seen, and what was the
outcome (did the affair lift her out of the depression?)
TIA
Denise F. Hayden
reasons/explanations/excuses/rationalizations for anything. You will most
likely find an equal number of cases to support either theory. Sorry, but I
think that this is a dead end in finding any real answer. Each and every
situation is different......
Denise
"frank wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:01HW.BAE1D5F40...@news-50.giganews.com...
Storm
Depression does not CAUSE women to cheat.
Picture....Mr Depression Incarnate coming along and saying Now Go Fool
Around!
Storm.
Xenos
cjmorgan
"frank wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote :
> I have been told that a woman suffering from
> depression would not care enough about life
> or have enough energy to pursue and extramarital
> affair.
It's not unheard of for someone suffering from a chronic
depression to have an affair.
**********
> I have also been told that depressed women often
> seek to fall in love with someone new as a way
> out of their despondency.
That's seems no more unreasonable to me than the
idea that someone with a broken leg might also
seek whatever avenue they could to relieve their
pain.
***********
> In fact, that depression
> is a number one cause of women cheating on husbands.
I don't know if I'd go that far. But in as much as someone
suffering from chronic depression might seek some
happiness, I won't be surprised to learn there sometimes
might be a connection between someone seeking some
emotional happiness and that person even going against
their own value system to engage in an affair.
********
> If you agree with the second statement, please
> tell about cases you have seen, and what was the
> outcome (did the affair lift her out of the depression?)
I imagine that an affair would lift a depression about
as much as gasoline thrown on a fire would put out the
fire -- in all likelihood, the additions stress strain of
leading a secret double life would simply add more
stress to one's live and overall have a detrimental
effect. So no, having an affair does not lift one out of
their depression. At best, it simply offers temporary
relief, but the complications it brings with it is sort
of like jumping out of the frying pan and into directly
into the fire, as it were.
Or to put it another way, having an affair is not something
I would recommend unless a person's objective is
to further aggrivate their already chronically depressed
condition.
Hope that's of some help,
CJ
Joe Microbrew
cheat? Do all women cheat? Do you distrust all women? When did you stop
beating your wife? --Joe microbrew
PA-C_Man
all of us) responsible for your behavior and actions. If you cheat you're a
cheater...period. I have long since been fed up with people not accepting
responsibility for their actions because they ate too much sugar or watched
too many cartoons or whatever. We have become a society where nobody is
responsible for their own actions. Think through our assorted relationships
that have fallen apart because of infidelity. "you didn't love me enough"
"you didn't give me the attention I needed" "you didn't give me enough sex"
"insert lame excuse here"
If you aren't happy in a relationship have the courage to end it before you
go find someone else.
This rant is now concluded.... thank you for your kind attention.
Scott
"frank wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:01HW.BAE1D5F40...@news-50.giganews.com...
Bill in CO
> I am a bit of a hard ass in this regard... you're (metaphorically meaning
> all of us) responsible for your behavior and actions. If you cheat you're a
> cheater...period. I have long since been fed up with people not accepting
> responsibility for their actions because they ate too much sugar or watched
> too many cartoons or whatever. We have become a society where nobody is
> responsible for their own actions.
NO!! Ya think??? It just can't be, can it? LOL. Well, at least the
lawyers are enjoying it (laughing all the way to the bank, that is. Oh yeah,
and the "victims").
Bill in CO
boy, and write on the blackboard 1000 times.....
frank wild
I get beat up for my question.
On Sat, 10 May 2003 10:05:35 -0400, Joe Microbrew wrote
(in message <3EBD412E...@yahoo.com>):
> Your question is flawed from the outset. Why "women"?
Oh fer chrissake, because I'm not interested in
the question as it pertains to men. And that
flaws the question? You're just messing with
me, right? This is a troll, right?
Okay, let's hear it from the group:
Would vertebrates in general who have alcoholic
grandparents tend to prefer dark meat over light
when Thanksgiving comes around? Sound off.
frank wild
Well my first reaction is "fair enough!" and my
second reaction is "in that case, all psychology
is an enormous hoax." Actually, my wife would
completely agree with your position. And you
may both be right as far as I know.
On Fri, 9 May 2003 22:34:40 -0400, Denise F. Hayden wrote
(in message <JhZua.133$T4....@news.iquest.net>):
frank wild
It seems as if you read too much into my question.
NO WAY was I asking whether depression should be
considered an excuse for cheating. In fact, I agree
with everything you said here.
Proof? I had a standoff with my wife this week
and finally got it off my chest:
"You're a woman who is cheating on her husband,
and the rest is crap." (The rest being lots
of prevarication about it hasn't gotten physical
yet and bleah bleah bleah...) And I am not
looking to depression as a reason to forgive her.
No no no.
frank
On Sat, 10 May 2003 12:55:20 -0400, PA-C_Man wrote
(in message <3ebd2d84$1_4@newsfeed>):
Denise F. Hayden
exact science either. My only point was....you can always find a excuse and
explanation. Believe me, in this divorce hell there is no shortage of
theories and speculation. In the end, none of it matters. You still are
where you are.
Denise
"frank wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:01HW.BAE32C670...@news-50.giganews.com...
Denise F. Hayden
know beyond that?
Denise
wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:01HW.BAE33AD50...@news-50.giganews.com...
Doug Anderson
> Hi all,
>
> I have been told that a woman suffering from
> depression would not care enough about life
> or have enough energy to pursue and extramarital
> affair.
>
> I have also been told that depressed women often
> seek to fall in love with someone new as a way
> out of their despondency. In fact, that depression
> is a number one cause of women cheating on husbands.
I'm no expert on what depressed people do. I have a lot of experience
seeing what one depressed person did, which is different. In my (one
case) experience, depression decreased ability to feel anything, and
decreased energy. So it made an affair still less likely than it
otherwise would have been. The depressed person felt tired,
unattractive, and incapable of enjoyment.
On the other hand, the person ate more. I think this was an attempt
(subconsciously) to make up for lack of pleasure felt in almost all
arenas by doing something that still provided _some_ pleasure, more.
It seems conceivable, that some depressed people might react in that
way around sex/romance and want to have an affair. But the depression
would have to _not_ have taken away any pleasure the felt around sex
or romance (and I _think_ this is unusual, but haven't enough
experience to say for sure) and they'd have to be able to have an
affair without expending too much energy.
By contrast, people in the manic phase of bipolar disease are
extremely likely to have affairs.
>
> snip
>
> outcome (did the affair lift her out of the depression?)
This outcome would seem incredibly unlikely from my experience, BUT,
since most episodes of depression (not the one I was privy to witness,
but again, this is what I've read) last 6-9 months, it could
_coincide_ with the depression lifting.
My experience with depression is that living with someone who is a
depressive for the long-term is basically unacceptable to me. When it
happened I was too stupid to know what was going on, and spent year
after year altering my behavior to try to recapture some of the
emotional, physical and sexual intimacy which had disappeared from my
marriage. This we were finally able to do, but only after the
depression had been diagnosed and treated.
Again, based on my experience, the significant other is likely to bear
the brunt of the depressive's dissatisfaction. And there is nothing
that person can do to seem satisfactory to the the depressive.
Doug
shinypenny
I think if the depression is caused by unhappiness in the marriage,
then yes, a spouse might be prone to cheating.
I tend to think a lot of depression results when a person feels they
have no control over aspects of their life. Being in a loveless
marriage, and having no hope for its future, would be just such a
depressing situation. Therefore, I could see how cheating might give a
person back control, and lift the depression. As would many other
forms of action -- going to a marriage counselor, asking for a divorce
-- for example.
jen
Jerry
> Okay, let's hear it from the group:
> Would vertebrates in general who have alcoholic
> grandparents tend to prefer dark meat over light
> when Thanksgiving comes around? Sound off.
White for me, please.
--
Jerry
Jerry
> I don't think that pyschology is an enormous hoax. I don' think it is
> an exact science either. My only point was....you can always find a
> excuse and explanation. Believe me, in this divorce hell there is no
> shortage of theories and speculation. In the end, none of it matters.
> You still are where you are.
You can also drive yourself stark raving mad as you try to justify (or
de-justify) the excuse or find the explanation. In the end, it all comes
down to a simple two word phrase.... sh*t happens.
--
Jerry
Jerry
If she has fallen in love with someone new, then I am done with her. Why
would I care whether or not she was lifted out of depression?
--
Jerry
Bill in CO
> frank wild <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> I tend to think a lot of depression results when a person feels they
> have no control over aspects of their life. Being in a loveless
> marriage, and having no hope for its future, would be just such a
> depressing situation. Therefore, I could see how cheating might give a
> person back control, and lift the depression. As would many other
> forms of action -- going to a marriage counselor, asking for a divorce
> -- for example.
But all of these actions are precisely the things a depressed person would
avoid doing. The last thing a clinically depressed person wants to do is take
action on anything. If anything, they want to lock themselves in, and get away
from the world. At least that's been my experience. Of course, I am only
one. But it sure seems clear to me, Jen.
JustMeHere
cheats on you and leaves you.
Ann C
"PA-C_Man" <pa_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3ebd2d84$1_4@newsfeed...
Doug Anderson
What I've seen matches this. An unfortunate feature of depression is
that while there _might_ be things the depressive could do which could
lift the depression (emphasis on the might), the depressive feels
unable and unwilling to do those things.
frank wild
was cause by depression --the inverse of what you
mentioned here. She blamed her marriage for unhappiness
that really came from less circumstancial causes,
causes that her treatment has helped enormously.
And now her marriage is better.
On Sun, 11 May 2003 10:35:30 -0400, shinypenny wrote
(in message <c8cb5319.03051...@posting.google.com>):
Joe Microbrew
who are trying to tell the world that all women are lying backstabbing
scum...
My soon-to-be-ex fell in love with someone while she was married to me.
She is/was probably depressed though not diagnosed (though I'm no longer
informed of everything in her life, maybe she's in treatment now... dunno.)
But I have no opinion on women in general, or why women cheat, or why
men cheat, or what depression does to anyone much less women in general.
All I know is I won't be married to her anymore after several more months.
Sorry if that seemed like a beating. That's why I threw in "When did you
stop beating your wife", it's an absurd and well-known logical trap with
no answer.
frank wild
(in message <d8sva.148$T4....@news.iquest.net>):
> Exactly, she is a wife cheating on her husband. What more do you need to
> know beyond that?
I need to know, if we ever get back together again,
whether treatment for depression should be something
worth considering.
Casey
For you or her?
I'm more than a little serious here. Do you think you can forget
what happened and not be suspicious all the time if you get back
together?
You really need to honestly and realistically answer this question
to yourself before considering anything along these lines.
Casey
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
-Steven Wright
Mandyque
> Hi all,
>
> I have been told that a woman suffering from
> depression would not care enough about life
> or have enough energy to pursue and extramarital
> affair.
This was partly the case with me, I have been clinically depressed for years
but medication keeps it under control. I prefer to think tho that my
fidelity was due to love and a desire for a stable and happy marriage, it
was my husband who had other ideas.
Mandy
Denise F. Hayden
speculation. All you can do is take your best shot. If you look for definite
answers you won't find any. People can find as many excuses to justify
cheating as there are people. Not trying to beat you up here ut I also agree
with Casey in that therapy wouldn't be bad for both of you. Perhaps you are
co-dependent and want to make excuses for her? Who knows but I would suggest
you do your own soul searching as well before you just accept that maybe it
was her depression. If you reconcile and she is 30 minutes late coming
home.....what is your first thought?
Denise
"frank wild" <whea...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:01HW.BAE469F30...@news-50.giganews.com...
shinypenny
> I have a friend whose unhappiness in her marriage
> was cause by depression --the inverse of what you
> mentioned here. She blamed her marriage for unhappiness
> that really came from less circumstancial causes,
> causes that her treatment has helped enormously.
> And now her marriage is better.
Sure, that can happen, too.
frank wild
To be clear: my wife strenuously *denies* being
depressive and in the past few days since posting
this question I believe her more and more on that
score. I wasn't hoping for an excuse; I was looking
for a root cause on a deeper level. Today, I've
started to consider this another false lead and I
am resolving to stop trying to follow leads at all
and to take care of myself instead.
On Mon, 12 May 2003 8:45:06 -0400, Denise F. Hayden wrote
(in message <3pMva.156$T4....@news.iquest.net>):
> If you reconcile and she is 30 minutes late coming
> home.....what is your first thought?
Well, that's all very remote right now. But your
point is well taken.
frank