Why is letting go so hard?
Andrew Denslow
even if something screwes up.
I found this place on my (soon-to-be-ex?) husband's computer after I found
out he had cheated on me for about 1/2 year. I had never thought I would
experience a divorce, maybe I have been naive, but that is the truth. Only
after I started looking for more evidence of his extra-marital affairs, I
found that he had prescribed to this site for a while, without me having the
faintest idea he was thinking of divorce. And now I am posting something.
Sometimes life makes strange turns.
He told me about this other woman about a month ago. It was somebody he met
at work, which doesn't really surprise me. He works in a restaurant as a KM,
and he is surrounded by young, beautiful, willing women all day and night.
I, on the other hand, am an engineer (by the way, I do have a sense of
style&humor!). I did actually trust him in this environment, but O'boy! was
I wrong!
The big problem is actually that he keeps telling me that he doesn't know
wether he wants me, this other marriage-breaking bitch or if he wants to be
on his own. And this keeps me in a position where I can't go on. It is so
hard to just show him the other side of the entrance door, since I still
have lots of feelings for him. But how can I feel for somebody who has done
me so wrong? I feel like the biggest idiot thinking that I will try to work
things out. As they say, once a dog, always a dog. But is this true? I do
believe people make mistakes (I have made plenty!) and people can change.
However, his cheating was not a one-time shag, this turned into "almost" a
relationship. I have seen letters from her where she tells of her love for
him (made me puke, by the way). But through all this, he has still not moved
out, or gotten divorce papers or anything. Is he just playing me for a
fool???
Well, this got to be longer than what you probaly like, but a little bit off
my chest feels good. And John, you are in my husbands position(not knowing
what to do with the wife), please give me advice on how to proceed, if you
can.
Heartbroken in Norway.
PS(He is probably with this bimbo right now, so tonight will be hard to get
by)
florid...@hotmail.com
<aden...@online.no> wrote:
>This is the first time I have ever posted anything, so please stick with me
>even if something screwes up.
Heartbroken ... it is your husband who is screwing up in real time;
don't worry about trivia like getting posting down to a fine art.
However, by using his Outlook Express, you are posting under an
identifiable name assuming "aden...@online.no" is a real e-mail
address. If anyone tries to e-mail you, the message will go to his
mailbox. Additionally, you probably are not aware of it but
http://www.deja.com archives Usenet posts ... if your husband does a
search on his own address, he will turn up what you are posting.
If you will be posting to this (or any) group frequently, may I make a
couple of suggestions? First get a web based e-mail address known only
to you (www.hotmail.com, www.excite.com, etc) ...
Second, just before using Outlook Express, go into the setup options and
change the settings to your new e-mail address so that your husband's
account is not connected to anything you post; this way you will have
the privacy you deserve. Of course, when you are done, restore his
address to the changed fields.
If Outlook Express is set up to be an off-line reader, be certain to
delete any posts you do not want him to see from your own computer -
since I do not use that software, I don't know how it works.
>I found this place on my (soon-to-be-ex?) husband's computer after I found
>out he had cheated on me for about 1/2 year. I had never thought I would
>experience a divorce, maybe I have been naive, but that is the truth. Only
>after I started looking for more evidence of his extra-marital affairs, I
>found that he had prescribed to this site for a while, without me having the
>faintest idea he was thinking of divorce. And now I am posting something.
>Sometimes life makes strange turns.
Actually, reading a group like alt.support.divorce does not necessarily
mean a person is thinking of divorce ... all marriages have tense
moments; handled with care, these can be the times for tremendous
personal growth and a stronger marriage. You may also want to read
alt.support.marriage
Unfortunately, once infidelity enters the scene, you both are in a whole
new situation. Whether there can be a happy outcome depends on what
each of you wants from the relationship.
Many people would tell you to kick the "rat" out now ... and that may be
what you should do but only you can make that decision.
>He told me about this other woman about a month ago. It was somebody he met
>at work, which doesn't really surprise me. He works in a restaurant as a KM,
>and he is surrounded by young, beautiful, willing women all day and night.
>I, on the other hand, am an engineer (by the way, I do have a sense of
>style&humor!). I did actually trust him in this environment, but O'boy! was
>I wrong!
>The big problem is actually that he keeps telling me that he doesn't know
>wether he wants me, this other marriage-breaking bitch or if he wants to be
>on his own.
This is known as having his cake and eating it too ... and it cannot be
allowed to continue. He has to make some choices. If he cannot come to
terms with himself, he should seek counseling right away... and in the
meantime, he should put his wonderful new relationship on hold. If it
is "real" it will keep.
>And this keeps me in a position where I can't go on.
You only think it does but that is not correct. You have to decide what
you want independent of what he does. Do not let him control your
thoughts and behavior with his manipulation and indecisiveness.
>It is so
>hard to just show him the other side of the entrance door, since I still
>have lots of feelings for him. But how can I feel for somebody who has done
>me so wrong? I feel like the biggest idiot thinking that I will try to work
>things out. As they say, once a dog, always a dog. But is this true?
Some couples can come back together after a betrayal of this nature but
for that to happen both persons have to do some serious soul searching
and probably are going to need the help of a very good marriage
counselor. If one or both of the partners are unwilling to change, then
there may be no choice but to end the relationship.
How long have you been together? Are there children?
>I do
>believe people make mistakes (I have made plenty!) and people can change.
>However, his cheating was not a one-time shag, this turned into "almost" a
>relationship. I have seen letters from her where she tells of her love for
>him (made me puke, by the way). But through all this, he has still not moved
>out, or gotten divorce papers or anything. Is he just playing me for a
>fool???
He may be the one being played for a fool ... some women love to go
after "unavailable" men but once they are free, they lose interest in
them rather quickly since the challenge is over and they have "won" a
prize they no longer want or need.
If your husband will not decide what he wants, you will have to be the
strong person in the relationship - Decide what you want and can have
for yourself.
>Well, this got to be longer than what you probaly like, but a little bit off
>my chest feels good. And John, you are in my husbands position(not knowing
>what to do with the wife), please give me advice on how to proceed, if you
>can.
>
>Heartbroken in Norway.
>PS(He is probably with this bimbo right now, so tonight will be hard to get
>by)
Resign yourself to some tears and sadness; this will not be easy or fun.
Keep reading ... some may disagree with what I wrote and others will
have more to suggest.
Floridanewbie
beate
dither back and forth for a while no matter which way you choose to have
the relationship go. My husband went with another woman as well and he
didn't know whether he wanted to go or stay either (for 6 months).
Finally I made the decision for him. I figured I am worth more respect
than he was showing me by sleeping around in hotels with his bimbo. Six
months later I feel better and better every day about that choice. I am
worth more than to be a door mat for someone who doesn't know the
meaning of integrity or commitment.
Andrew Denslow wrote:
>
> This is the first time I have ever posted anything, so please stick with me
> even if something screwes up.
>
> I found this place on my (soon-to-be-ex?) husband's computer after I found
> out he had cheated on me for about 1/2 year. I had never thought I would
> experience a divorce, maybe I have been naive, but that is the truth. Only
> after I started looking for more evidence of his extra-marital affairs, I
> found that he had prescribed to this site for a while, without me having the
> faintest idea he was thinking of divorce. And now I am posting something.
> Sometimes life makes strange turns.
>
> He told me about this other woman about a month ago. It was somebody he met
> at work, which doesn't really surprise me. He works in a restaurant as a KM,
> and he is surrounded by young, beautiful, willing women all day and night.
> I, on the other hand, am an engineer (by the way, I do have a sense of
> style&humor!). I did actually trust him in this environment, but O'boy! was
> I wrong!
>
> The big problem is actually that he keeps telling me that he doesn't know
> wether he wants me, this other marriage-breaking bitch or if he wants to be
> on his own. And this keeps me in a position where I can't go on. It is so
> hard to just show him the other side of the entrance door, since I still
> have lots of feelings for him. But how can I feel for somebody who has done
> me so wrong? I feel like the biggest idiot thinking that I will try to work
> things out. As they say, once a dog, always a dog. But is this true? I do
> believe people make mistakes (I have made plenty!) and people can change.
> However, his cheating was not a one-time shag, this turned into "almost" a
> relationship. I have seen letters from her where she tells of her love for
> him (made me puke, by the way). But through all this, he has still not moved
> out, or gotten divorce papers or anything. Is he just playing me for a
> fool???
>
auslander
with your life
and be happy you found out now instead of later
All hurt will go away with time and for whatever happens, there is always a
reason
Janie Bolton
I am fairly new at this and have been scanning for awhile. I must say, yours is
about the best, most sound and certainly the most reassuring reply I have read to
date. It almost make me think that you must be a professional counselor. If
not, at least well educated in some form of therapy. For the most part I went
through my divorce alone. I have a large and very supportive family, but was
determined to handle it alone. As it turns out, that was the best thing for me.
I am convinced that I only survived because I was 100% sure that it was the right
thing to do. I hope you continue to lend your caring ear and bits of advice for
those whose circumstances may be like those of Heartbroken.
As for you Heartbroken, take one day at a time and always look out for number
one. If you don't noone else will. You didn't mention if you have children. If
you do, always consider their feelings, while realizing that staying together for
the sake of children is not the answer either. I wish you the best with whatever
comes your way.
janie
f460...@users.realize.com
debbycli...@gmail.com
for DR. orinoko, my name is Mrs. Angela, I am 27. years old and I have a son.Unfortunately almost a year ago his father broke up with me because of a mistake I made and I just really want him back. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wanted our family to be complete again, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I grew up with my parents divorced and I don't want that for my son and I miss my husband so much and just want our family to be whole again I want the love of my life back and I can honestly say that because he is the only man I have ever truly loved with all my heart. I read online that he helped a girl in this situation and I contacted him for help So I seek help from orinokosolu...@gmail.com and he responded to me and he cast a love spell for me which I use in getting back my husband and I am happy and grateful to him for helping me and I want you all to also have the opportunity I had
also, orinokosolu...@gmail.com is the only through help I have ever known. Good
luck