Life - Is it worth it?

[SteveL765]

I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of loneliness
that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the world
without fear but the thoughts of lonliness quickly weigh me down. How do you
overcome this? I am so depressed that I don't want to be around people. And
when I am alone, I constantly obsess about having noone to share my life with.
It's a vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be
lonely?

I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what everyone is
saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or "It takes time." While
this may be true, the question is can I survive the time it takes to overcome
all of this. I'm not talking suicide...I'm talking about staying sane.

To all of you who are saying..."Learn to Love youself"...It's easier said
than done. I just want to feel ok and be able to enjoy life. Thanks for
letting me ramble. Sometimes I just need to connect with people to feel like a
person again.

Steve

[jfle...@pclink.com]

I am pretty sure that all of us here have or do experience the
feelings you describe on a regular basis. I don't have any good
answers that will immediately cure it. There are things I miss about
my former life and I don't always know exactly what they are. My
wife, our relationship, my kids (who I see almost everyday) something
is clearly different but I don't alwasy know what or how to react to
it.

Clearly you have to go on, the alternative is death, if not physical,
then emotional and one follows the other. You owe no one that, nor
will anyone be punished by it, or feel a shattering sense of loss. So
get up and get out and try to redefine who you are and waht you want
to do with your "new" life. You don't have to get it right the first
time. Hell, I thought I wanted to go to ballets. Then I went and got
a fit of the giggles when I saw the guys in their tights. Okay, (for
me) it was a bad idea. Got interested in blues music, decided to eat
my way into a need to lose a few pounds, started riding motorcycles
again and took up fly fishing. Found new friends, and sometimes,
every once in a while, for maybe just a few minutes,

I feel like its gonna be okay again someday.

You can too, but its your call.

[LDahlPrint]

Sounds like you have been dependent in the past in being around somebody. This
is new territory for you and also "work." It's not fun and you're not sure how
to go about "not being lonely."

I've made a personal goal to seek out people who I want to spend time with. It
means meeting several people before you find a few that you are willing to
share time with.

Not sure what your interests are, where you work or what kind of contacts you
have, but there are ways to get out there and look for these kinds of people.

Push yourself a little and make it a challenge to hurdle one moment of
lonliness at a time. Replace that depressed feeling with someting you want to
do to get your mind off of it. Eveb if it's as simple as reading someting or
running somewhere and doing something simple. If you have to, have alist of
things ready to tackle those moments of depression, so yo uare prepared instead
of feeling helpless and over taken. Just an idea . . .
I'm no expert at this either. Hope this helps?
LDahl

[AUGUST BRADSHAW]

hi Steve, yes it does take time, find something to fill your time go to
the park and feed the birds, or get a pet there great listeners, go have
coffee at a little cafe, you can start a conversation with the waitress,
find something thats really interesting and put your body and soul into
it, wheather its fishing, pool,golf,tennis,judo,needle point, just find
something that you enjoy, and the rest will come in its own time, a
friend August

[Lee]

On 02 May 1998 13:11:48 GMT, stev...@aol.com (SteveL765) wrote:

-=> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of loneliness
-=>that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the world
-=>without fear but the thoughts of lonliness quickly weigh me down. How do you
-=>overcome this? I am so depressed that I don't want to be around people. And
-=>when I am alone, I constantly obsess about having noone to share my life with.
-=>It's a vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be
-=>lonely?
-=>
-=> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what everyone is
-=>saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or "It takes time." While
-=>this may be true, the question is can I survive the time it takes to overcome
-=>all of this. I'm not talking suicide...I'm talking about staying sane.
-=>
-=> To all of you who are saying..."Learn to Love youself"...It's easier said
-=>than done. I just want to feel ok and be able to enjoy life. Thanks for
-=>letting me ramble. Sometimes I just need to connect with people to feel like a
-=>person again.

We go though a lot of stages in our lives and what you are
experiencing right now is one of them. It's part of the loss process.
When we lose a spouse (even in a divorce), a job, a child, a part of
our body we go though it.

To learn to love yourself, you first need to get to know yourself.

Good luck

Lee

[CIS]

At the risk of sounding preachy, I am going to paste this article I wrote in
here anyway. For those of you who do not want to read a religious posts,
please stop here.

Divorce is NEVER easy. I am the child of divorced parents, a very bitter
divorce. I have seen the lonelyness and sorrow from a different perspective.
One in which both of the parents suffer. There is only one answer that
found me, that really and truly works and that is to rely upon the Lord for
your strength and guidance.

I hope that the post below will minister to someone here. Try to understand
the meaning in the passage, I have attempted to make it very clear.

Exodus 14:13-14
"And Moses said to the people,' Do not be afraid. Stand still and see the
salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today.For the
Egyptians that you see today, you shall see again no more, forever. The LORD
will fight for you and you shall hold your peace,'"

Oh what a rich verse of scripture. If we dissect the words in it we get an
even more rich understanding.

First we must go back to Exodus Ch.3 to really start to see what I want to
point out. In this chapter, it was the Angel of the Lord that revealed the
name of YHWH to Moses in the first person. This is the first direct evidence
that the Angel of the Lord was in fact the pre-incarnate Jesus. Later he
received worship and a sacrifice from Gideon, but this is the first instance
where we can point to something solid that begins to prove it. Next we must
understand that in EVERY instance in the bible where we see the word Lord
written in all upper case letters, it is the word YHWH that the Hebrews
substituted the word Adonai for because they were so afraid of using the
Lord's name in vain.(Explanation taken from New Open Study Bible)

So the passage could read,".....stand still and see the salvation of YHWH,
which He will accomplish for you today." This is significant because we have
already established a foundation for the Angel of the Lord being YHWH and
YHWH being the pre-incarnate Jesus.( I would also point out that Jesus n the
new testament used the word YHWH, translation IAM to refer to himself twice
in the gospels)

Also, the phrase, "stand still" in the Hebrew did not mean to passively
stand by, no it meant to "pull up your tent pegs and be ready to move." It
denoted an expectant stillness. Yes it meant to stand still, but with an
earnest expectation of the deliverance at hand, and to be ready at that
precise moment to walk in the direction the Lord leads you.

I am currently facing a situation in which my wife and I are pulling up our
tent pegs and waiting on the deliverance of the Lord.

In this passage we see clearly that Jesus will fight our battles if we will
just allow Him to do it. He wants to fight our battles. He went to the
cross, just so He could fight our battles and we would not have to rely on
our own strength.

Sometimes these storms that arise in our lives are not a test or an
abandonment by God, He allowed the storm for the sole purpose of showing His
mighty power to quench it and thus reveal a new aspect of Himself to us. A
position He wants us to move into so our reliance on Him will increase and
our reliance on ourselves will decrease.

That is my thought for this week. I hope that you who read this will let
this word nourish your spirit in the Lord.

--
Brian K. Ingram, Owner
Consulting Investigation Services
http://www.vipersites.com/cis.htm

Lee wrote in message <354b320d...@news.netdirect.net>...

[Thomas Haney]

Steve, I think you are exactly where you are supposed to be. We have all been where you are now and
we're still alive to tell you that you will get through this, not around it, and be able to share
your own experience with and be supportive of someone else as they walk through it. Something that
helped me was to emerse myself in the activities I enjoyed, especially those that included other
people. Something else that helped a lot was to read. I still read a great deal and find it almost a
salvation in itself. Try E. Fromme's _The Art of Loving_ and _How to Survive the Loss of a Love_ by
Colgrove, Bloomfield, and McWilliams. If you can afford it or have insurance to cover it, get into
therapy. Another trick is to do something kind and thoughtful for someone else - it gets you out of
your own self pity and actually replaces it with gratitude.

You'll be fine, Steve. Take a moment to consider how this time alone will give you, perhaps for the
first time, an opportunity to get to know YOU. Acknowledge and even embrace your feelings. To cry a
little is appropriate too. As a very special friend kept reminding me, "It'll never be this bad
again." Each day IS just a little better than the day before.

Best wishes and please keep us posted.

Thomas

*********************************************************
"Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
Hamlet, Wm. Shakespeare

Thomas L. Haney * AKA Rocko on IRC *
tha...@hal-pc.org
Houston, TX

[Bart Scott]

In <199805021311...@ladder01.news.aol.com> stev...@aol.com

(SteveL765) writes:
>
> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of

>loneliness that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday
>and approach the world without fear but the thoughts of lonliness
>quickly weigh me down. How do you overcome this? I am so depressed
>that I don't want to be around people. And when I am alone, I
>constantly obsess about having noone to share my life with. It's a

>vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be

>lonely?

I haven't been in this newsgroup for quite some time, but I just
thought I'd come in to see what is happening. Steve - you are sharing
your life with someone this very minute. The internet is great for
recovery when nothing else seems to help. Just get on and blow it all
out of your system. Somebody will come along and offer support - and
each time you make a step up out of the hole, you can turn around and
help another person. Helping someone else get out of their hole is
very good therapy for yourself. It gives you some self worth.

I know what you mean about being so lonely and not wanting anyone
around at the same time. Not only did I not want anyone around - I
knew it wasn't safe to be around others. They don't really understand
and they blame you for making them feel bad. So you climb into your
deep hole and shut everyone out. Even when people ARE around, you will
still be lonely because they can't, or don't want to, share your pain -
which is a very big part of your life right now.

Usenet is good because you don't have to deal with anybody here on a
regular basis. You have no responsibility in the relationship and you
can ignore or help anyone you choose. It probably saved my life...

> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what

>everyone is saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or
>"It takes time." While this may be true, the question is can I
>survive the time it takes to overcome all of this. I'm not talking

>suicide...I'm talking about staying sane.

Can you survive the time it takes to recover? Some do, some don't...
That's reality. Cold hard fact.

You've had a very real part of your life ripped away. The shock to
your system touches the very center of your existance. It can be life
threatening. It DOES take time to find a way to regain your balance
and sometimes all of your efforts to see things in a good light just
seem so fake. But getting on to Usenet, as you have done, and
expressing yourself or helping another individual is not fake. It's
real. It works. Find another newsgroup that you know something about
and share your expertise there as well. You can help others as well as
yourself in many ways - it doesn't have to be just emotionally.

> To all of you who are saying..."Learn to Love youself"...It's

>easier said than done. I just want to feel ok and be able to enjoy
>life. Thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes I just need to connect
>with people to feel like a person again.

That's the idea :-) I think you know what I'm talking about.

Bart

[Lisa Magnuson-Schommer]

Steve:
I am in the same situation, but (fortunately or unfortunately) I am only
separtated from my husband. The lonliness is there, and what you are experiencing
is very real. I am lonely too, but whenever I had the chance of seeing and being
with others I always found I did not want to be with other people; I finally came
to the conclusion that I was experiencing depression (again). I went back to my
psychiatrist and placed me back on some antidepression medication, and I am now
enjoying being out with others, usually a with only one or two people. I can not
take large groups yet, but time will tell. Please consider what you wrote about
depression, it can truly make one think very differently. I would suggest seeing
someone about your depression, it might help you see alittle less of the gray, and
more of the sunshine in your life. Good luck

Lis

SteveL765 wrote:

> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of loneliness
> that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the world
> without fear but the thoughts of lonliness quickly weigh me down. How do you
> overcome this? I am so depressed that I don't want to be around people. And
> when I am alone, I constantly obsess about having noone to share my life with.
> It's a vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be
> lonely?
>

> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what everyone is
> saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or "It takes time." While
> this may be true, the question is can I survive the time it takes to overcome
> all of this. I'm not talking suicide...I'm talking about staying sane.
>

> To all of you who are saying..."Learn to Love youself"...It's easier said
> than done. I just want to feel ok and be able to enjoy life. Thanks for
> letting me ramble. Sometimes I just need to connect with people to feel like a
> person again.
>

> Steve
>

[TBrightman]

> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what everyone is
>saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or "It takes time."
>While
>this may be true, the question is can I survive the time it takes to overcome
>all of this.

What other options do you have? You just have to go through it. Cry, throw a
tantrum, take a walk, talk to friends, one day at a time.

"I do not at all resent criticism, even when, for the sake of emphasis, it for
a time parts company with reality"

[Cindy Budroe]

It simply amazes me how much compassion fellow man has in their own species.
Steve, These people who are expressing their feelings to you are total
strangers.
Listen to what they say. There is truth in their words.
You've got a long road to travel.
Be strong............bob
SteveL765 wrote in message
<199805021311...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...

> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of
loneliness
>that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the
world
>without fear but the thoughts of lonliness quickly weigh me down. How do
you
>overcome this? I am so depressed that I don't want to be around people.
And
>when I am alone, I constantly obsess about having noone to share my life
with.
>It's a vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be
>lonely?
>

> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what everyone
is
>saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or "It takes time."
While
>this may be true, the question is can I survive the time it takes to
overcome

[SteveL765]

To all who have taken the time to offer help and support, I say - Thank
you. I hope some day that I will find happiness and will not feel alone. If
it is true that happiness and a sense of well-being comes from within, then I
have my work cut out for me. Despite my current state of being, I feel better
knowing that there are people in this world who care. All of you have made a
difference in at least one persons life....namely mine.

Steve

[Gene]

GO TO CHURCH, GO TO THE HEALTH CLUB, HANG OUT OR MAKE FRIENDS, START TO
BUILD A LIFE ALL OVER AGAIN, AND DON'T COUNT ON A WOMAN TO MAKE YOU WHOLE,
YOU MUST BE WHOLE ON YOUR OWN, ALSO THERE ARE BOOKS THAT WILL HELP, ex.
Anthony Robin "unlimited power" will help for starters

SteveL765 <stev...@aol.com> wrote in article

:
:
:

[JFisher60]

>I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of loneliness that

have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the world.

During my Naval career, I worked with a wonderful psychiatrist by the name of
Ives Thillet. He had a wonderful way of looking at the world and assisting
those who were suffering depression. I recall he often told people, "You have
to do something to feel better rather than waiting to feel better to do
something." Perhaps those words seem trite, but there is a lot of truth in the
statement. I think, often we isolate ourselves during crisis, which further
serves to alienate us from the outside world, causing us to feel less of
ourselves and allowing our minds to fester. Get out in the world. Get out with
others. Volunteer for a project. Help someone. Get going!

Jay

[Norma Thompson]

There are days and days when I'm dying of loneliness. Yet I know I'm most
definitely not fit for human consumption. On those days I'll even have the
urge to belt the dog because she comes bouncing in to tell me about her
latest adventure. I.E. she shows her love for me. I've just had a graphic
lesson in the fact that loving and being loved hurts, damn it! And I agree,
it is odd. Those are the days when I am the most lonely.

I don't know how you overcome it but I have the feeling that posting to
these newsgroups is a small baby step in the right direction. My life is
such that I not only don't have to talk to anyone for weeks on end, I
probably couldn't if I wanted to. Which has suited me just fine. I've
turned into a hermit with my divorce.

SteveL765 wrote in message
<199805021311...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...

> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of
loneliness
>that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the

[Norma Thompson]

August, I'm new to this newsgroup, but I really like your posts!

AUGUST BRADSHAW wrote in message
<6if7o9$kql$1...@newsd-132.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...

[Phil Morton]

Gene - At this point in time I feel the same as Steve after being denied joint
custody of my only child. I'll also try to take on your advice

Phil Morton

Gene wrote:

> GO TO CHURCH, GO TO THE HEALTH CLUB, HANG OUT OR MAKE FRIENDS, START TO
> BUILD A LIFE ALL OVER AGAIN, AND DON'T COUNT ON A WOMAN TO MAKE YOU WHOLE,
> YOU MUST BE WHOLE ON YOUR OWN, ALSO THERE ARE BOOKS THAT WILL HELP, ex.
> Anthony Robin "unlimited power" will help for starters
>
> SteveL765 <stev...@aol.com> wrote in article

> <199805021311...@ladder01.news.aol.com>...
> : I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of
> loneliness
> : that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday and approach the
> world

[Norma Thompson]

Boy, did you say that well!

Bart Scott wrote in message <6iffk2$d...@dfw-ixnews5.ix.netcom.com>...

>In <199805021311...@ladder01.news.aol.com> stev...@aol.com
>(SteveL765) writes:
>>

>> I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of
>>loneliness that have followed my divorce. I try to get up everyday
>>and approach the world without fear but the thoughts of lonliness
>>quickly weigh me down. How do you overcome this? I am so depressed
>>that I don't want to be around people. And when I am alone, I
>>constantly obsess about having noone to share my life with. It's a
>>vicious cycle. Doesn't that seem odd for someone who claims to be
>>lonely?
>

>I haven't been in this newsgroup for quite some time, but I just
>thought I'd come in to see what is happening. Steve - you are sharing
>your life with someone this very minute. The internet is great for
>recovery when nothing else seems to help. Just get on and blow it all
>out of your system. Somebody will come along and offer support - and
>each time you make a step up out of the hole, you can turn around and
>help another person. Helping someone else get out of their hole is
>very good therapy for yourself. It gives you some self worth.
>
>I know what you mean about being so lonely and not wanting anyone
>around at the same time. Not only did I not want anyone around - I
>knew it wasn't safe to be around others. They don't really understand
>and they blame you for making them feel bad. So you climb into your
>deep hole and shut everyone out. Even when people ARE around, you will
>still be lonely because they can't, or don't want to, share your pain -
>which is a very big part of your life right now.
>
>Usenet is good because you don't have to deal with anybody here on a
>regular basis. You have no responsibility in the relationship and you
>can ignore or help anyone you choose. It probably saved my life...
>

>> I often wonder if I will ever feel alive again. I know what
>>everyone is saying...it's been said before..."Just give it time" or
>>"It takes time." While this may be true, the question is can I
>>survive the time it takes to overcome all of this. I'm not talking
>>suicide...I'm talking about staying sane.
>

>Can you survive the time it takes to recover? Some do, some don't...
>That's reality. Cold hard fact.
>
>You've had a very real part of your life ripped away. The shock to
>your system touches the very center of your existance. It can be life
>threatening. It DOES take time to find a way to regain your balance
>and sometimes all of your efforts to see things in a good light just
>seem so fake. But getting on to Usenet, as you have done, and
>expressing yourself or helping another individual is not fake. It's
>real. It works. Find another newsgroup that you know something about
>and share your expertise there as well. You can help others as well as
>yourself in many ways - it doesn't have to be just emotionally.
>

>> To all of you who are saying..."Learn to Love youself"...It's
>>easier said than done. I just want to feel ok and be able to enjoy
>>life. Thanks for letting me ramble. Sometimes I just need to connect
>>with people to feel like a person again.
>

[Dan Daugherty]

JFisher60 wrote:
>
> >I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the feelings of loneliness that

Yeah, I think this is the best way to deal with it. Just don't raise
your expectations too high as if you believe this is actually a cure.
But it _is_ the best way to pass the time until the depression eases
off. Isolation seems to make it worse and last longer.

Others may disagree with this, but I have found that anger (not at
yourself, but directed outside yourself) can be a wonderful catalyst to
start adrenalin flow, which could lead to action, which could lead to
accomplishment, and eventually to feeling better. Under no
circumstances allow yourself to be the target of your own criticism and
anger -- the best time for that is when you are better on top of things
and can deal with it appropriately. Another thing about anger is that
somehow it allows you to acknowledge that "Yeah, I am depressed, but so
what!". It'll pass eventually.

To answer the question "Life - is it worth it?": Worth it or not, I'm
still gonna live it, whether anyone else approves or not.

-- Dan
+-------------------------------+
| |
| Seize the Daydream |
| |
+-------------------------------+

[JFisher60]

>From: Dan Daugherty <d...@bga.com>

>Under no circumstances allow yourself to be the target of your >own criticism

and anger -- the best time for that is when you are >better on top of things.

Dan. I agree with most of what you say. Anger is a great catalyst for change.
However, I disagree with the observation one should never be subject of their
own anger or criticism. Anymore than one should say to the effect one should
never cry. Emotions are emotions. They should be addressed and not surpressed.
Avoidance instead of coping, in the long term, doesn't make us heal any faster.

Besides, there are certainly times, at least my experience, where I certainly
ought to have been angry and critical of my behavior. That's how we learn and
change.