wanta talk
lask...@hotmail.com
with something so sensitive it is difficult to talk with someone who
is close to you and get an honest opinion or advice that isn't
"personal" if that makes sense. I guess I'm to the point where I'm
just grasping for anything.
My husband and I have only been married for 6 months but have been
together for almost 7 years... off and on. We have a 2 year old son
together and a very nice home. We both work full time and have good
jobs that pay well. Financially we are in a comfortable place and our
son is healthy. However, from an emotional stand point things are
much, much different.
I have always been called a "social butterfly." I am extremely
outgoing and very easy to get along with. I have always had tons of
friends and at the age of 30 still feel like a kid at heart most days
but with all of the responsiblity and sensibility of a 30 year old.
My husband is exaclty the opposite. He is quiet and more of an
observer. We used to sit in bed at night and talk for hours but
things have just changed in that dept. and gradually gotten worse over
time. We used to go out together and have fun - enjoy time with
friends a lot but since our son was born he has become quite the home
body where I still enjoy getting out and doing "adult" things. He
placed the "you're not going to a bar" ban on me because no wife
belongs in a bar, especially past midnight. This is only since we've
been married. But at the same time no matter what it is, playing
cards, just sitting around catching up with friends or whatever, he
does not want to come with me. The house we bought 3 1/2 years ago is
30 minutes from my family and friends so I don't get to see them very
often. When I do I tend to have a lot of fun and lose track of time
but I always come home. Don't get me wrong, I like the renting movies
nights and things like that but not every single weekend. You gotta
get out once in awhile.
My sister told me recently that her and my family have talked about
the fact that they don't feel quite comfortable in my home because of
my husband... how standoffish he is and how he like kinda hides to
avoid a conversation or how short he is when you try to talk to him.
This is my family we're talking about. My friends too. I kept
wondering why I was normally the one driving to see them. Now I know.
These are just "some" of the issues we have.
My husband's brother passed away in a motorcycle accident about a year
after we started dating. That was a huge hill to climb but we worked
through it. I just feel that after that he has sheltered himself and
over time grew cold. After our son was born I saw a light in him that
made me fall in love all over again. But now the light has just
gotten dimmer and dimmer. We view things differently in aspects of
life and I wonder if over time we have grown to be "different" - so
different that we can't compromise. We can't talk without it becoming
a pissing match and we go days without talking.. just brushing
shoulders. We don't have sex often and the sex we do have is not
passionate.
I wonder if we followed the path many people do once they make a
committment to eachother .. buy a house, have a baby and well, mine as
well get married. Many of the issues we have now were issues before
marriage and now they have gotten worse. I've thought about counseling
but haven't talked to my husband about it. His dad actually suggested
to him that we should consider it. His response was something like,
"I'm not going to see a f'in shrink." Plus we definately can't afford
it. I'm lost and at the of a road where I don't know where to turn.
We both love our son and want him to grow in a healthy environment and
have a good life. We both grew up with divorced parents so we have
done what we can to avoid from that happening..... now what?
giggly
hello?
S.D.
> now what?
Sounds like you wish he was very different, maybe more like you. And,
you're family and friends hoped for the same too; which doesn't help him
or your marriage. What's odd is, you found him attractive years ago -
enough to marry him and make a baby...why?
Being you admit to power struggles, you have to ask yourself what are
your fighting to hold on to? Sadly, you sound as though you've allowed
yourself to grow away from him. What I can't garner from your post is
if he's actually grown away as well; or just expecting you to mellow out
from your social gadabout ways, focusing more on your home life like the
rest of the married folks...:) By the way, that doesn't mean you give
up some social life, just means you're married now, not a party hardy
girl. Have to find activities of interest that fit in the confines of
married life. The only way you will grow away from your marriage and
him is if you allow that to happen, not caring about the consequences.
If I were to use my married life as an example; I have moments where I
wish I was out and about socializing as I did prior to marriage at 48.
Then, I come back to the greater intent behind why I married, to spend
the rest of my life with that one person; unity, understanding while
finding things that the both of us can do together.
Sure I still get out, as does my wife, but not nearly as much as prior
to marrying 8yrs ago. Once ya get past the house, having a child and
getting your careers in order - then comes the BIGGEST - HARDEST job of
marriage - settling down finding joy in just hanging out with each
other, reading, watching the booby tubee, and coping with what gadabouts
would call boredom.
You've lost touch with why you choose to be married, why you married him
and what the greater family goal is for your marriage.
--
SD:)
KeepSmiling
positive thing, Laskar, you're honest about yourself, and you're
recognising that there's a problem. Dare I say it, you ladies often
seem a lot better at that than we men! But that doesn't mean your
husband is 'in the wrong', he's just lagging behind you. Your
understanding of the situation is better than his at the moment.
There's hope in the fact that his father also recognises the problem.
Counselling may not solve the problem, but if it gets your husband
talking, it's a good thing. Talking to each other is absolutely
essential though. Whether through structured counselling, or between
yourselves at home, or during planned time away together, talking to
each other is vital.
Whatever it takes to get him talking to you, that's the way ahead. Try
and keep it positive, talk about getting closer to each other again,
rather than "we've got problems". It's about understanding things
from each other's point of view. Take it one step at a time, don't try
and solve everything in one go. But keep at it. It's taken time to
drift apart, it'll take time to move together again. It can be done.
If you make it threatening, or make him feel like he's failed as a
husband, he will carry on avoiding discussion. Good luck, I know it's
not easy, but get him talking. Are there any activities you both enjoy
together still? If so, then try and use them as a bridge to get closer
and get talking.
It's possible he's depressed. Depressed people are a pain to be
around. They're so full of negativity. But they didn't choose to be
depressed, events happened that pushed them down that road. Such as
the death of your husband's brother. His behaviour might be a reaction
to such an event, rather than a reaction to your friends or family.
The other thing I notice from your good description is that you are an
extrovert, your husband is an introvert. Opposites attract, but they
also have difficulty understanding each other. He likes the quiet
life. As I do. You enjoy a lively social life, as my STBX wife did. It
is possible to live together happily, with a bit of give and take on
both sides. There are many, many couples who complement each other's
strengths like that. You both make up for each other's weaknesses,
which makes you stronger as a couple than as two individuals. On a
personal note, I used to feel quite inferior and unimportant next to
my wife's dazzling social life. I just didn't have the same confidence
in a social setting, and some of her extroverted friends didn't
understand it. Maybe your husband feels something similar?
Good luck anyway.
:-)
On 18 Apr, 20:35, "S.D." <s...@twomuchspam.com> wrote:
Barbara Didrichsen
[snip]
>I wonder if we followed the path many people do once they make a
>committment to eachother .. buy a house, have a baby and well, mine as
>well get married. Many of the issues we have now were issues before
>marriage and now they have gotten worse. I've thought about counseling
>but haven't talked to my husband about it. His dad actually suggested
>to him that we should consider it. His response was something like,
>"I'm not going to see a f'in shrink." Plus we definately can't afford
>it. I'm lost and at the of a road where I don't know where to turn.
>We both love our son and want him to grow in a healthy environment and
>have a good life. We both grew up with divorced parents so we have
>done what we can to avoid from that happening..... now what?
The fact that you're posting here would indicate you're considering
divorce. Since you don't appear to have made up your mind yet, you
might consider posting your story on ASM (alt.support.marriage). Some
of the same people post there as here, but the focus is more on ways
you can work on your marriage
Ultimately, divorce may be the right choice for you. But many of us
who've taken that path would suggest doing everything possible before
taking that step -- especially when there are children involved.
Good luck.
Barb
giggly
>
> > - Show quoted text -
>
> I think that in certain life situations, hard times, can cause an
> introverted person to need more alone time. And then depression can
> cause someone to feel so drained they have a hard time going out.
> After getting through the worst of depression, at least in my case, I
> started to crave social interaction.
>
> If she really enjoys being with you, if you are the extrovert you
> describe, then it seems that she'd want to do social things with you.
> Though there would be times where if she didn't have any alone time,
> she'd just "shut down" and at that point she'd be pretty much
> worthless until she had it.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
:-()
kanagaraj
Hallow dear,
dont think in the path of the separation of your marrage why because
you both can understand the situation of a child mind if that child
allow to live with seppareated parents.more over in this beatiful
earth we have to some how to live with any one of the human so why not
the man you know better than that of new one.one fact of the human
life is that no one in this whole world will think and be like you
think and be.More over in married life all the huspand and wifes are
just opposite mind set peoples only.The same mind set peoples can not
able to live good married life in this earth.You have got one
wounderful thing to give to your family is the LOVE.you can still love
the man you love more in your life and the son who came to this world
through both of you.Above all in this world we have to make ourself to
be as a understanding one while we expect others to understand us.so
try to give what ever you expect from your partner so that he intern
give what ever he expect to you.This will do why because we all need
concern from others without having concern towards them.if we start
concerning them it is automatic that they start concerning towars the
person concerning them.
R.kanagaraj from india
Bill in Co.
>>
>> - Show quoted text -
>
> I think that in certain life situations, hard times, can cause an
> introverted person to need more alone time. And then depression can
> cause someone to feel so drained they have a hard time going out.
> After getting through the worst of depression, at least in my case, I
> started to crave social interaction.
>
> If she really enjoys being with you, if you are the extrovert you
> describe, then it seems that she'd want to do social things with you.
That really depends on how introverted she is, though. If she truly is
introverted, even some social events can be a challenge, and he may have to
accept that.