Can I still be friends with my husband? MESSAGE VERY LONG
Tina Ruppert
but I REALLY need some advise). My husband and I have been together
for 11 years...5 as boyfriend and girlfriend and 6 married. We have two
beautiful little girls together and we have ALWAYS been best friends.
In October 97 I asked him to leave because other people were telling me
that he was cheating on me. Instead of me initiating a heart to heart
talk with him, I was pulled into the vicious circle of rumors and lies
and didn't believe in him or our marriage. I told him to leave and he
did. We are not divorced yet, but he has a relationship with someone
else. From the time he left I begged him to come back, but he wouldn't
do it. He told me that he felt he was betrayed and once he left he was
NEVER coming back. He is a man that doesn't go back on his word, but I
left him leave anyway and didn't really believe him.
In October 98 I finally understood that you can't make someone love you
and I finally stopped begging him. In December 98, after I thought I
was ready to accept the fact that he had someone else, HE came to ME
and told me that he thought the reason why he wasn't moving in with his
girlfriend was because of me. Because he still had feelings for me but
yet he was still with his girlfriend. I truly believed him and I know
he meant it from his heart. Since I didn't want a divorce in the first
place, I thought I would wait this out. I thought this might be my
"second chance."
In February of 99, he told me that he was confused and wasn't sure what
he wanted. He said that for right now he just wants to be friends with
me and not rush into anything, but yet he is with his girlfriend on and
off. To me it seems like he cares for her more than he cares for me.
He told me last week that he doesn't want to get a divorce. Yesterday I
asked him why he didn't want one and he gotted upset with me for bugging
and pushing and for not being patient, and he signed the papers for me
to go ahead and finalize the divorce. He told me to send them in when I
get tired of waiting. He told me he was NOT trying to play with my head
when he told me how he felt and he just wanted me to know the truth,
which I can respect. He said he's confused right now and doesn't want
to rush into anything. He said he doens't need a piece of paper
(divorce decree) to tell him when something is over, he'll know it in
his heart.
Throughout our separation, we have remained friends and have discussed
everything, including his relationship with his girlfriend. I know that
we should remain friends for the kids' sake, but it hurts so BAD inside
to know he might not want to be with me ever again. I keep reminding
myself that he has been with his girlfriend for about a year now and I
know about, but it still hurts. Why? Why should I want to be with
someone that doesn't want to be with me?
We agreed that we should remain friends at least for the kids' sake.
Since February he would tell me every time they broke up and all of
their fights that they have which lead me to believe that he might come
back.
Apparently, his girlfriend is very jealous of me and this is the reason
he won't tell her the truth about why he wants to break up with her.
He's afraid she might do something crazy and he doesn't want anyone to
get hurt during all of this. I can understand why he is doing this the
way that he is but yet I feel like I'm just hanging there waitng and
wating and waiting....
Do I continue to wait this out or should I finalize the divorce? I
regret telling him to leave a year and a half ago and I don't want to be
the one to do it again. We had a great relationship and we got along
like best friends and still do.
I dont' want to finalize the divorce. I also don't want to ruin that
second chance of us getting back together, but yet I don't know if there
IS a second chance for us. Am I doing the wrong thing by waiting for
someone that "might" come back and then have it be for the kids and
convenience? We both agreed that wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else.
Where are my answers and how do I find them?
I am SO confused right now and any advise or suggestions would be
GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks!!!
Daisy
>Tina Ruppert wrote in message
<8058-36F...@newsd-293.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
>I'm new so please bear with me. Here's my story (sorry its so lengthy
>but I REALLY need some advise). My husband and I have been together
>for 11 years...5 as boyfriend and girlfriend and 6 married. We have two
>beautiful little girls together and we have ALWAYS been best friends.
>In October 97 I asked him to leave because other people were telling me
>that he was cheating on me. Instead of me initiating a heart to heart
>talk with him, I was pulled into the vicious circle of rumors and lies
>and didn't believe in him or our marriage. I told him to leave and he
>did. We are not divorced yet, but he has a relationship with someone
>else. From the time he left I begged him to come back, but he wouldn't
>do it. He told me that he felt he was betrayed and once he left he was
>NEVER coming back. He is a man that doesn't go back on his word, but I
>left him leave anyway and didn't really believe him.
First off I'm sorry you and your family are going through so much heartache.
But if your husband left so easily I think perhaps the rumors must of been
true, however, don't blame yourself feelings can get out of control very
easy.
>In October 98 I finally understood that you can't make someone love you
>and I finally stopped begging him. In December 98, after I thought I
>was ready to accept the fact that he had someone else, HE came to ME
>and told me that he thought the reason why he wasn't moving in with his
>girlfriend was because of me. Because he still had feelings for me but
>yet he was still with his girlfriend. I truly believed him and I know
>he meant it from his heart. Since I didn't want a divorce in the first
>place, I thought I would wait this out. I thought this might be my
>"second chance."
Don't kid yourself, if he really meant it from the heart he would of stuck
around and tried to work on his marriage. HE cannot have it both ways.
Right now he's got his wife waiting for him to come back and a girlfriend on
the side. The best of both worlds.
>In February of 99, he told me that he was confused and wasn't sure what
>he wanted. He said that for right now he just wants to be friends with
>me and not rush into anything, but yet he is with his girlfriend on and
>off. To me it seems like he cares for her more than he cares for me.
Friends with his own wife? That should tell you something.....what is it
he's supposed to not want to be rushing into? I doubt if he cares for
either of you, he's treating both of you like trash. Going from one woman
to another...what kind of father/husband/boyfriend worth anything would do
something like that?
>He told me last week that he doesn't want to get a divorce. Yesterday I
>asked him why he didn't want one and he gotted upset with me for bugging
>and pushing and for not being patient, and he signed the papers for me
>to go ahead and finalize the divorce. He told me to send them in when I
>get tired of waiting. He told me he was NOT trying to play with my head
>when he told me how he felt and he just wanted me to know the truth,
>which I can respect. He said he's confused right now and doesn't want
>to rush into anything. He said he doens't need a piece of paper
>(divorce decree) to tell him when something is over, he'll know it in
>his heart.
What your husband needs to do is face the truth himself, he has a family
that needs him and if he cannot rush into getting his family back together,
in my opinion he's not worth the time or effort. He's confused? What does
he think his family is?
>Throughout our separation, we have remained friends and have discussed
>everything, including his relationship with his girlfriend. I know that
>we should remain friends for the kids' sake, but it hurts so BAD inside
>to know he might not want to be with me ever again. I keep reminding
>myself that he has been with his girlfriend for about a year now and I
>know about, but it still hurts. Why? Why should I want to be with
>someone that doesn't want to be with me?
Do you feel comfortable discussing his relationship with his girlfriend?
Why does he feel he needs to discuss this with his WIFE? I have no respect
for someone that feels he needs to do something like that. YOU honey need
to pull youself up, you are worth much , much more than this. He doesn't
deserve you! He isn't going to work with you to get your marriage back in
order....let him GO! Good Luck!
>We agreed that we should remain friends at least for the kids' sake.
>Since February he would tell me every time they broke up and all of
>their fights that they have which lead me to believe that he might come
>back.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM BACK? He's using you, he's using his girlfriend.
LET HIM GO!
>Apparently, his girlfriend is very jealous of me and this is the reason
>he won't tell her the truth about why he wants to break up with her.
>He's afraid she might do something crazy and he doesn't want anyone to
>get hurt during all of this. I can understand why he is doing this the
>way that he is but yet I feel like I'm just hanging there waitng and
>wating and waiting....
Then don't wait for someone that will treat you like crap once he finds
someone else! Have you ever talked to his girlfriend? Because it sounds to
me like he's putting words into your head that he knows he wants you to
hear. He's not worth it. Let her have him.
>Do I continue to wait this out or should I finalize the divorce? I
>regret telling him to leave a year and a half ago and I don't want to be
>the one to do it again. We had a great relationship and we got along
>like best friends and still do.
Obviously your relationship wasn't all "that" great. Get yourself into
counseling and find out why you feel you must keep this man. Concentrate on
your children and what this is doing to them. How can you get along STILL
as best friends and have him treat you this way? My worst enemy doesn't
treat me this way, and my best friend never would.
>I dont' want to finalize the divorce. I also don't want to ruin that
>second chance of us getting back together, but yet I don't know if there
>IS a second chance for us. Am I doing the wrong thing by waiting for
>someone that "might" come back and then have it be for the kids and
>convenience? We both agreed that wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else.
>Where are my answers and how do I find them?
You're answers are within you and your counselor. I strongly suggest you
get into counseling as soon as possible. It's only going to get worse!
>I am SO confused right now and any advise or suggestions would be
.>GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks!!!
File the divorce papers, get yourself into counseling NOW!
Daisy
hawk
rest.
You said nothing about counseling. Have you two been to one. If you have and
it didn't work, did you try another? Sounds to me like both of you could
easily try to repair this and with some work, it just might be.
At some point (very soon maybe) he is going to have to get totally away from
this other girl. As long as she is around, the chances are slim IMO.
But the best advice I can give (and that's all it is, is some advice from
someone you have never met) is go with your insticts. I have found that most
of the time, this will make you happiest.
So have I totally screwed you up yet?
To answer your headers' question... yes you can remain friends with your
husband. if YOU choose to.
Bud
us guy's/gal's
After reading your post, my outlook on this is that your husband is in
the perfect situation he can have his cake and eat it too. By this I mean,
he has the best of two worlds the perfect little family (you and his
children) waiting for him on the sidelines while he carries on and plays
house elsewhere with little or no responsibility. He gets together with
you, and tells you what he knows you want to hear (ie: he loves you, he's
messed up right now, that he is worried what "she" will do if he ends things
with her etc) and meanwhile, he is probably telling his girlfriend the same
thing (ie: he can't cut you out of his life because of his children, your
unstable, suicidal etc).
I agree that you should get along for the children's sake, and I believe
that he knows that you feel strongly about this, so therefore he plays on
these feelings, and just gives you enough attention and hope to keep you
hanging. He also knows that you love him enough, and feel guilty enough
about kicking him out that you will take what ever little bit he has to give
and be happy for that. By doing this he is also creating himself a "Safety"
Net to fall back on if he needs one (ie: the break-up of his new
relationship)
As for him signing the "Divorce" paperwork and leaving the decision up
to you for when you want to file them - this sounds like a "COP OUT", by
doing this your husband is putting the "Blame" on your shoulders, he has a
clean conscience and will "Feel" he is not to blame for the break up of your
marriage. It will be "YOUR" fault, as you were the one to file the
paperwork. Which in all actuality is probably what he wants you to do.
You have stated that you want to wait for your "Second Chance", And
maybe one day it may come. But, think of this
- Do you think you could handle being a convenience? Because right now with
you sitting and waiting that is what you are being, you are waiting for him
and he knows that you will always be there to fall back on.
- Also, one thought that you may not have considered, will you be strong
enough if he does come back to ignore that fact that he has been with
someone else all this time, and not bring it up in arguments etc (which he
may use as an excuse to leave again - you always bring up the past)
- Will you be strong enough to ignore the fact that he "Kisses" you
different, "Touches" you different and makes "Love" to you different - ways
that he has learnt with "her"???
From your Post it looks as though he has been with this girl for at least a
year, and a year is long enough to pick up traits and habits from another
person, especially one you have been intimate with. These traits will be a
part of him for a long time - and you will have to be mighty strong to be
able to accept them.
Although it is a drastic decision Tina, I believe that your best bet
will be to file for Divorce - enter into counselling, find out why you are
letting this "man" lead you on. Make yourself your own person and move on
to a better life for you and your children. You can still be freinds, for
their sake, but it would be healthier for them if you were freinds after a
divorce, than if you remain friends the way things are right now - Right
now, you are teaching them that it is OK to "sit back" and take any little
piece of attention that is thrown your way, which is not healthy, and that
it is OK for a man to come and go in your life as he pleases, REMEMBER
daughters tend to marry men like their fathers, and also behave like their
mothers. And I wouldn't wish your situation on anyone, and I am sure you
don't wish it on your daughters.
Tina, the road ahead will be rough, but now that you have found us,
remember, we are here to lean on. You don't have to take our advice, but it
does give you something to think about.
Mindy
mege...@nrtco.net
ICQ# 26712010
Tina Ruppert wrote in message
<8058-36F...@newsd-293.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
I'm new so please bear with me. Here's my story (sorry its so lengthy
but I REALLY need some advise). My husband and I have been together
for 11 years...5 as boyfriend and girlfriend and 6 married. We have two
beautiful little girls together and we have ALWAYS been best friends.
In October 97 I asked him to leave because other people were telling me
that he was cheating on me. Instead of me initiating a heart to heart
talk with him, I was pulled into the vicious circle of rumors and lies
and didn't believe in him or our marriage. I told him to leave and he
did. We are not divorced yet, but he has a relationship with someone
else. From the time he left I begged him to come back, but he wouldn't
do it. He told me that he felt he was betrayed and once he left he was
NEVER coming back. He is a man that doesn't go back on his word, but I
left him leave anyway and didn't really believe him.
In October 98 I finally understood that you can't make someone love you
and I finally stopped begging him. In December 98, after I thought I
was ready to accept the fact that he had someone else, HE came to ME
and told me that he thought the reason why he wasn't moving in with his
girlfriend was because of me. Because he still had feelings for me but
yet he was still with his girlfriend. I truly believed him and I know
he meant it from his heart. Since I didn't want a divorce in the first
place, I thought I would wait this out. I thought this might be my
"second chance."
In February of 99, he told me that he was confused and wasn't sure what
he wanted. He said that for right now he just wants to be friends with
me and not rush into anything, but yet he is with his girlfriend on and
off. To me it seems like he cares for her more than he cares for me.
He told me last week that he doesn't want to get a divorce. Yesterday I
asked him why he didn't want one and he gotted upset with me for bugging
and pushing and for not being patient, and he signed the papers for me
to go ahead and finalize the divorce. He told me to send them in when I
get tired of waiting. He told me he was NOT trying to play with my head
when he told me how he felt and he just wanted me to know the truth,
which I can respect. He said he's confused right now and doesn't want
to rush into anything. He said he doens't need a piece of paper
(divorce decree) to tell him when something is over, he'll know it in
his heart.
Throughout our separation, we have remained friends and have discussed
everything, including his relationship with his girlfriend. I know that
we should remain friends for the kids' sake, but it hurts so BAD inside
to know he might not want to be with me ever again. I keep reminding
myself that he has been with his girlfriend for about a year now and I
know about, but it still hurts. Why? Why should I want to be with
someone that doesn't want to be with me?
We agreed that we should remain friends at least for the kids' sake.
Since February he would tell me every time they broke up and all of
their fights that they have which lead me to believe that he might come
back.
Apparently, his girlfriend is very jealous of me and this is the reason
he won't tell her the truth about why he wants to break up with her.
He's afraid she might do something crazy and he doesn't want anyone to
get hurt during all of this. I can understand why he is doing this the
way that he is but yet I feel like I'm just hanging there waitng and
wating and waiting....
Do I continue to wait this out or should I finalize the divorce? I
regret telling him to leave a year and a half ago and I don't want to be
the one to do it again. We had a great relationship and we got along
like best friends and still do.
I dont' want to finalize the divorce. I also don't want to ruin that
second chance of us getting back together, but yet I don't know if there
IS a second chance for us. Am I doing the wrong thing by waiting for
someone that "might" come back and then have it be for the kids and
convenience? We both agreed that wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else.
Where are my answers and how do I find them?
I am SO confused right now and any advise or suggestions would be
GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks!!!
Vicki Robinson
>I am SO confused right now and any advise or suggestions would be
>GREATLY APPRECIATED. Thanks!!!
>
He's jerking you around; whether he's doing it out of honest
confusion or simply because he can is moot. Tell him that you want to
work it out, and you want an 18 month committment from him towards
this end. He has to end it with the girlfriend and agree to go to
counseling. At the end of 18 months you both can reevaluate and
decide if it's going to work out. Don't let him move back in until
you're *both* ready to commit to spending your lives together; it was
awful for the kids for him to leave. For him to leave, come back and
then leave again would be unconscionable. He needs to see them, every
day if possible, while you're apart, though. Not moving in doesn't
mean that he doesn't stay completely involved in their lives.
Go see a mediator and work out how you'll handle your joint bills and
supporting the kids while you're apart. This separation agreement
should be filed with the court; if you do decide to get divorced it
can form the nucleus of your divorce agreement, and if you stay
together it becomes irrelevant. You can also negotiate the terms of
your rebuilding with a good family mediator. The mediator isn't a
therapist, by the way; you'll need a counselor. But the mediator can
help you work out the terms of your separation apart from the legal
stuff. For example, this 18-month "no breakup zone." What would that
mean in practice? You both need to understand *clearly* what that
means.
If he won't give you the committment to work on it, cut him loose.
His confusion may well be genuine, but it's not fair to you or him or
his new friend for him to stay suspended between you, neither coming
or going. If he won't make the choice, then he's made it de facto;
let him go.
Good luck; I have been where your husband is now (not with a spouse,
but with two SOs), and finally one of them forced the issue. He did
the right thing, for both of us, and I'm grateful to him and humbled
that I didn't have the strength to do it myself. But it worked out
for both of us. As much as it hurt to let him go, it wasn't worth
letting the other one go to keep him, and I didn't see it until I was
pushed. And it gave him the answer that I wasn't able to give him
until pushed.
Don't just let it sit and stagnate, though. You have to take control
of your life.
Vicki
--
Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources:
http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html
The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
DrLadyE
do so. i cant go into detail, get the book "Reconciliable Differences" by Jim
Talley. the confusion for him is real. and he is not playing you, but you
have got to know what is the right thing to do, and what God can do, i know, i
am going through it too. hang in there, but get this book. Please!!!