Dating while Separated - Double-edged Sword
graundlyss
done with it. I'm still dealing with a lot of the emotional pain, and
I assume that will be with me for a while. After being separated (3
years now), I dated casually, but then about a year ago I met and fell
head-over-heels for my current GF. Lot's of people warned me not to
get too deeply involved with anyone until I've worked through my
emotional pain, but of course I didn't listen. Things had been great
with my GF, and having a new, special person in my life has been a big
help in dealing with the pain of divorce and moving forward. However,
something shifted with my GF about 2 weeks ago. We're still together,
but I feel that we're going to break up soon. When I think about this,
I'm already dreading the double-whammy of emotional pain I'll be
dealing with. If you've been down this "double-edged sword" path as
well, I'd really like to hear your thoughts on what you went through
and how you dealt with it. Thanks!
graundlyss
Rog'
Given what you're dealing with, that you managed to make a
relationship work for a year is somewhat remarkable. Of course,
that doesn't help overcome the sense of failure... again. IMO,
all you can do is accept that pulling off a LT relationship was too
tall a mountain to climb. Consider it a learning experience, and
next time, keep your feet on the ground.
fathersrights
getting seriously involved. It is a common mistake to "fall" for someone
while you are emotionally distraught. Easiest way is to make a
rule..absolutely no more than 2 dates with same woman.Enjoy your 5 years of
freedom.
"graundlyss" <graun...@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1190617534.4...@g4g2000hsf.googlegroups.com...
S.D.
> When I think about this,
> I'm already dreading the double-whammy of emotional pain I'll be
> dealing with. If you've been down this "double-edged sword" path as
> well, I'd really like to hear your thoughts on what you went through
> and how you dealt with it. Thanks!
You make it clear; you don't listen to sound advice, "don't get involved
until you've completed the emotional cycle." Now, you're seeking more
advice only this time your deeply involved with a woman that maybe has
come to her senses about being involved with a guy that's still messed
up. Why do you think you're more prepared to listen now, then before?
You won't be done with it for about 3yrs. So, any women that gets
involved with you deserves what she gets and what she doesn't.
Simple answer ---- apologize to your GF profusely for all your
misgivings and ugly behaviors that she's been coping with; then walk
away quietly and politely. Otherwise you've going to compound all your
personal issues, including another failure, on top of what not and dig a
bigger hole. She doesn't deserve to go down with you.
What I am saying isn't meant to be hurtful. It's meant as a truthful
obersation based on what you've posted; and what has proven to be the
length of time it takes for most people to get clear of all the divorce
issues and emotionally prepared to give without baggage.
--
SD:)
"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.(A.E.)"
My disclaimer: I can say, but can't make you see...(S.D.)
Ray Gordon, creator of the "pivot"
End of story.
--
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http://www.cybersheet.com/seduction.html
Limit of TEN students. Act now!
For older free material that is now mainstream:
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Includes 29 Reasons Not To Be A Nice Guy
Don't rely on overexposed, mass-marketed commercial seduction methods which
have been rendered worthless through mainstream media exposure. It really
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slack...@gmail.com
papers this week. Divorce won't be final for another six months, so
even if I don't want to say it until it's final I'm still married. You
should never hook up with anyone during that time and for a good time
after.
I could not imagine getting involved with another woman for some time
to come. My wife was not faithful in our marriage - it's not always
the guy that's unfaithful - and it has been brutal emotionally for
me.... but you suck it up, have good support from family and friends
and stay single until you're in a good place again in your head. Enjoy
your single-dom ... watch Sunday football in your boxers, eat what you
want, wear what you want and concentrate on your career and your
friends....
On Sep 24, 4:15 pm, "Ray Gordon, creator of the \"pivot\""
graundlyss
to) getting involved with someone while separated, but how about
someone who has done it?
Oh, and before you condemn me for taking advantage of this poor woman,
I should tell you that she's separated too! I know...ever stupider!
- graundlyss
> > End of story.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
Rog'
> Well, I've heard from a ton of people who wouldn't (or wouldn't
> admit to) getting involved with someone while separated, but how
> about someone who has done it?
> Oh, and before you condemn me for taking advantage of this poor
> woman, I should tell you that she's separated too! I know...
There are also a ton of people here in newsgroup-land who you
should ignore... they are trolls (provocateurs), time-wasters and
loons. The kill-file (block sender) is your friend for weeding out
those who have nothing but static to add.
I can tell you, though, that (as you have discovered yourself),
when you are still messed up from one break-up, you are way
too emotionally vulnerable and screwy to be a decent partner
to someone else. I was there, and I count my lucky stars that
my GF understood this, could deal with it, and patient enuff to
wait for me to get my act together.
Rodney M.
>
> - Show quoted text -
Lots of us have done it. But you'll have a hard time finding someone
who recommends it.
What Rog and others say is true. You have to give your heart time to
settle and that takes more time than you might think.
NewMan
we all make mistakes. And... we face the consequences of the mistakes
we make also.
Now, do you recall the definition of insanity???? Doing the same
thing, the same way, over and over again, and expecting different
results!
So the question becomes: What did you do differently in your post
separation relationship??? Nothing???
Well then you know where that puts you.
So, my recommendation is to do that I did - get counselling! You need
to understand how it is that you chose the undesireable partners that
you have.
In all the experiences we have, the best thing that can happen is that
we learn from them - especially the bad experiences. Those who do not
learn form their mistakes are dooomed to repeat them!
So chin up. You are human. Welcome to the club. If your relationship
with your GF implodes, I'm sorry to hear it. But take some time to get
your head on straight. And there is no shame in getting a little help
in doing that. IMHO, we NEED an objective voice in this process (we
are to embroiled in the process to be objective about it).
And finally, people are usually in our lives for...
a reason,
a season, or
a lifetime
A season, that is easy to understand as we have ALL likely had a
summer love affair at one time or another.
A lifetime, well... we all hope that this applies to our partner! But
you know what? I have a friend from Jr. High School. He is a great
friend - although these days we don't see each other that much. But
when the chips are down, I know I can count on him. He has been a
friend in my life for in excess of 30 years. I suspect this is the
"lifetime" category.
A reason... perhaps this is where your present GF fits. perhaps the
reason she was there was to soften the blow for you. Now, all this
time later, you are in a better position to be able to handle the hurt
- so it is time for her to move on. I had a lady friend like this. We
never "hooked up", but she had been to hell in back in her divorce,
and she was very supportive to me and she comforted me, and kicked my
behind when it needed kicking. I was quite fond of her, but the
reality was that we were opposites. When opportinuty looked like it
had presented itself for things to move forward, it was like a bomb
going off. The friendship ended suddenly - for which I was sorry.
However, looking back I realize that she was there for a reason, and
that reason was not to do the wango tango, but to help me over a rough
period in my life - which she did. At the time I felt sorrow for
losing a friend. Now, with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, I can see
that what happened was the best option for all concerned. It was after
this that I sought counselling, and learned a HUGE amount of stuff
about myself.
It was another year after this that my divorce was complete, and I
went on to meet the love of my life!
So don't fret. Just realize that you need to get some help, and that
things will get better with time - if you learn from your mistakes.
hth
On Mon, 24 Sep 2007 21:23:48 -0700, graundlyss <graun...@gmail.com>
wrote:
S.D.
> but how about someone who has done it?
What are you expecting from someone that's done what you've done???
Brings to mind someone that wants to talk to the guy that jumped off the
bridge...LOL
Although I haven't done it --- I know it's unhealhty and emotionally
wrong for a number of reasons.
> Oh, and before you condemn me for taking advantage of this poor woman,
> I should tell you that she's separated too! I know...ever stupider!
I never would have condemed you for such action; just thought you unwise
and self-destructive. Thanks for sharing her status. That makes two
pee'zzzzzzzzzzzz in a pond of emotional quicksand.
saulgoode
>
> - Show quoted text -
Boy, the loons are all over this one...
Graund, you might watch for the backlash response. It's when you run
back to the ex after a breakup from the outside. "Ex" doesn't
necessarily mean ex-wife, either, but old girlfriends as well.
I dated the whole time I was separated, for 2 yrs. Frankly, I found
women who were as broken as me and we hooked up, nothing serious. The
only reason ~not~ to date is if you're still committed to the woman
who has already moved on with another man. Maybe you consider that a
"marriage", but I see it as broken vows, and I don't need a lawyer or
a judge or a preacher or a bum on the corner to sign a randomly worded
and rubber-stamped document to disengage me from the woman. It's
ludicrous, actually, as well as insulting, but them's the rules.
My pop said it best: "Boy, if you're not living at the house, you're a
free man. Do what you like."
No guilt.
Epilogue to prior story's ending: "Separated = Divorced = Free man"
I don't give a whit what some random person says about my marital
status. That's between me and the ex, and we had it worked out without
all that crap. We aren't children.
So I ask: Graundlyss, did you write, "I am divorced" on a piece of
paper, sign it, and then file it? If so, there's your divorce decree
and you're a free man. Use toilet paper if you like, wipe your ass
with it and flush it down the hole. The other paperwork is just for
taxes and money swapping through the courts and was completely without
meaning to me but for the money I paid the lawyer and the courts to
file it.
- Saul
Anonymouse
Hi,
I started dating soon after separation.
initially it was just casual dating/sex...
at work I was generally regarded as a "romeo" or a "pimp" (I think
that's a good thing, kinda).... dating 2-3 women at a time for a few
dates each.
then I met HER... over about a month it went from dating 4 women to 1.
about that time the divorce was final.
that was a year and a half ago and going GREAT.
ttyl
akia
Stacey
>
> - Show quoted text -
I'm recently separated on my way to divorce and I'm dating again. The
divorce was due to us just growing apart and no one cheating or
domestic violence. I'm actually the one that intiated the seperating
and filed for divorce first. My soon to be ex is still trying to win
me back but I can't go back to a marraige that I don't want to be in.
The guy I'm dating is someone from my past that I should have been
with all along. The only reason we didnt work out then was because we
were young and foolish, I was 20 at the time. Now we don't want any
games and pretty much know what we want. My soon to be ex knows about
the new guy and is okay with it for the most part.
So I know this works for me and probably won't work for other people
but hey its my life right? I haven't been this happy in a long time.
Good luck to yourself!
Anonymouse
> The guy I'm dating is someone from my past that I should have been
> with all along. The only reason we didnt work out then was because we
> were young and foolish, I was 20 at the time. Now we don't want any
> games and pretty much know what we want.
Hi,
we've figured out that I "met" my now GF at least 3 seperate times.
first about 30 years ago when she worked at a small local shop I
frequented 2-4 times a week.
then as a step-dad after she became a teacher
then when we started dating (we met via Match.com)
the first time she was about to get married.
the second time her husband had just died... and I'd just gotten married.
the third time was the charm... both single and a good match!
ML.
>initially it was just casual dating/sex...
>
>at work I was generally regarded as a "romeo" or a "pimp" (I think
>that's a good thing, kinda).... dating 2-3 women at a time for a few
>dates each.
When a woman does this, she's called a "ho". :-)
ML.
>we've figured out that I "met" my now GF at least 3 seperate times.
>
>first about 30 years ago when she worked at a small local shop I
>frequented 2-4 times a week.
>
>then as a step-dad after she became a teacher
>
>then when we started dating (we met via Match.com)
>
>the first time she was about to get married.
>
>the second time her husband had just died... and I'd just gotten married.
>
>the third time was the charm... both single and a good match!
That's an interesting illustration of fate. I hope it works out well for the
two of you this time!
Stacey
>
> - Show quoted text -
I hope it works out for you! Third times the charm. I'm glad I've got
a second chance at love again with him. Good luck!