On the verge of Separation, need advice
Bulletproofsoul
I'm a 32 male, with a 3 year old son.
My marriage is hanging on by a hair. And that hair is now straining,
one slight breeze would break the hair and everything would come
crashing down. Especially now that she confessed to me the other day
that she's starting to fall for some guy she's working with.
Thing is though, the thing that makes me dazed and confused is that I
didn't know what happened. A few months ago we had a big fight, I was
jealous of this same guy and confronted her about it. She was all
defensive and said that nothing special is going on. Then the next day
we had a long talk. She told me she's just fed up with me. That I
don't listen, that I don't do all the stuff she asks of me. I admit
that I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. We're only married
for 5 years. I told her that both of us are still inexperienced in
marriage. They didn't teach marriage at school, so coming into this
marriage we're both rookies, amateurs. We did not fight a lot before
this happened. But if we did, it's usually major.
We agreed to work it out with some changes. A couple of months has
passed and we had another fight. Now she's accusing me of spying on
her. She said that she couldn't trust me anymore. Thing is though, I
really wasn't spying. She accused me of going through her stuff and
checking her cellphone. I wasn't. Actually, after that fight I now am
suspicious. I started spying. What is she hiding? I know she's hiding
something because she's not a very good liar. I didn't find anything
serious except for a note containing a list of her future plans. The
list was kinda generic. But the thing that made me think is the line
"What do you like about me? What do you not like about me?" Is this
line for me of someone else? Days has passed waiting for her to
present me the list. I thought she was just listing things she might
want to talk to me about. That day never came. I don't know why. So
probably the list wasn't meant for me.
After the second major fight, I asked her where we are going in the
relationship. I asked her if the workout period is over or are we
still in it. She said that we're still in the period and we'll try a
different approach. Another couple of months we arrive to where we are
now. A few days ago she made the confession. Thing is, during our
first big fight, I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she's
having an affair or at least a fling with this guy. She said no. I
believed her then. Now after she confessed, I can't trust her anymore.
Last Saturday, after we went for grocery shopping she said that she
has to leave for a few hours because she has to deal with something.
She has to talk to this guy and settle things. She was gone for 6
hours, she works on a night shift by the way and has to go to work in
the next hour. I usually drive her to work, but when she got home she
said that he would instead drive her to work. I begged her to let me
drive her to work because I have a lot questions to ask. She said I
have nothing to worry about. But I insisted. She finally agreed. Long
story short, she's asking for a trial separation, some time for
herself. I'm confused now, she said I have nothing to worry about and
now she's asking for separation? I don't understand.
I asked her if she's willing to go to marital counselling. At first
she doesn't want to. But I told her that before we do the trial
separation we should try to do counselling as a last resort, since
nothing has worked. She then agreed. I don't know if this counselling
would work though. I have my doubts. By the way, she said that she
doesn't see the benefit in marital counselling because she thinks
married life is probably not for her. I asked her if she wants to be a
single mom or single again. She can't be a single mom because I'm
still here and won't give up on my son. She insist that it would be
better if we give each other some distance so that we have some time
to reflect. I said that after we go to the counselling we'll talk
again and decide if it's worth goint to another session or do the
trial separation thing. I'm not optimistic. I think that even if the
counselling would help a lot, in her mind separation is the only
solution.
I have a gut feeling that she's holding something back from me. There
were instances that I know she went out for dates with the guy. She
said that she just went out with friends. She went for a 3 day
training in Seattle before all of this started. She even brought the
camera. She said that it was a group training, but when she asked me
to transfer all the photos to the computer I've noticed that there
were some images that were deleted, based on the file names. And
strangely, all the photos there are solo pictures of her. No group
picture whatsoever. It might be nothing, but it could be something.
After the counselling we would talk about arrangements and stuff. But
I would also like to know everything. I want her to be brutally honest
with me. Is it OK if I ask her to tell me everything? The brutal
truth? Would she tell me everything? Or is she just going to deny
everything? I don't trust her anymore so even if she says she didn't
cheat on me I don't think I can believe her. I need to know the truth
so that I can be set free. If I know the truth now I can then start to
cope, heal, and probably forgive. To move on and focus 100% of my
attention and time to my son whom I love more that life itself.
Sorry for the length of the post, but I just need to vent my feelings
to someone, to something. Do you think it's stupid to hope for a
reconcialiation in the future? Or is the situation already dead as
freakin' fried chicken?
Thanks for reading. Any advice from you guys would be appreciated.
Confused1
proof of anything only my gut reaction.
You are right to be suspicious, she is certainly acting like someone
hiding something and I expect you had reasons to be suspicious or you
wouldn't have initially asked her about this other guy. I'm afraid
you are about to go through one of the hardest times of your life.
Get yourself into counseling soley for yourself. Focus on your son,
he's going to need you and you will need him.
no middle initial
wrote:
You say you just want the truth, but then you say that you wouldn't
believe her anyway. That's not very fertile ground for working things
out. Is she cheating? Possibly, from what you've said. However, the
flip side of this is that she may be completely innocent of the
accusations you're making and is withdrawing/hiding things because
she's sick of being falsely accused.
Do you really have any proof that she's cheated on you? All I'm
getting from your post is a lot of assumption and gut feelings- that
if she's deleted photos, they must be of her lover; and if someone
else drives her to work, it must be her lover; and if she doesn't want
to be married to you, it must be that she has a lover. Just being
around other men is not proof of adultery, nor is it necessarily
suspicious behavior.
So you have to take a good, long, hard honest look at yourself. Are
you jealous? Are you insecure? Both? Are you really willing to do the
hard, unpleasant work you need to do in marriage counseling to try to
work things out- which includes exploring *your* faults and failings
as well as hers? Because you sound like what you really want is for
your worst case scenario, which paints her as a cheating, lying
deserter, to be completely validated- so if your marriage fails it
will be *her* fault.
Marianna
amj1020
The truth as plain as the nose on your face. You are trying to give
her the benefit of doubt and she is truly showing you that she is
preparing to move on.
I am assuming that she knows you and that is why she is trying to let
you down easily. So to clear the air, ask her to be up front about
everything.
It is going to hurt but once you know the truth you can begin the
healing process and remain strong for your self and your son.
Rog'
Those who say that they know what's going on are wrong. A "gut
reaction" is mere speculation. We don't know you or her. But I'll
say this: Get thee to a marriage counsellor! Ask her to join you.
If she won't, then the handwriting is on the wall, and you should go
yourself. I'll also say: You come across as clingy. "The more you
close your fist, the more will slip through your fingers." You will
likely accomplish more by letting up and loosening the ropes. =R=
------------------------
Bulletproofsoul
> Top posting due to the length of your post:
> Those who say that they know what's going on are wrong. A "gut
> reaction" is mere speculation. We don't know you or her. But I'll
> say this: Get thee to a marriage counsellor! Ask her to join you.
> If she won't, then the handwriting is on the wall, and you should go
> yourself. I'll also say: You come across as clingy. "The more you
> close your fist, the more will slip through your fingers." You will
> likely accomplish more by letting up and loosening the ropes. =R=
> ------------------------
Thanks all for the advice. But last night she already said goodbye.
It's heart-wrenching. The pain is unbearable. But I'm still here. She
didn't really literally said goodbye, I just read between the lines of
what she said. She said things like
"I don't know why you're still holding on. Why can't you let go?"
"My mind was telling me to work this out but my heart is telling me
otherwise."
"Why can't we be just friends?" etc. etc. and so on and so forth.
She again reiterated that she's starting to fall for the guy. But I
know she already have . Long before. I was fighting a losing battle.
But I still fought back. I didn't go down for the count without a
fight. But the opponent is just too strong for me.
After the talk we had, I drove and drove for hours with no real
destination. I got home late. I couldn't open the car door. It took me
another couple of hours to open the door and get out of the car. I put
the house keys in but I couldn't turn the knob. I went back to the car
and shed the tears I was holding back earlier. The tears weren't for
her. They were for me. After much thought, I've come to terms with
myself. I kept asking why did she do this to me, but all the while I
should've been asking why I did this to her. It's my fault that she
found happiness in another man. I know I could've done more. I
could've been more loving, more caring, more attentive to her needs.
Either that or I was too loving, too caring, too attentive. I was
blind and deaf. She was shouting for me but I couldn't hear her. She
was jumping up and down and yet I didn't see.
I've already made peace with myself. I'm still hurting. My God the
hurting. It hurts so much. But I've accepted my fate. I was supposed
to ask her to tell me everything. The whole truth. To not hold
anything back. But she already told me what I needed to hear. Those
few words she said contain all the answers I'm looking for. The
details are just irrelevant. I thank her for breaking it to me gently.
At least she still respects my feelings.
Thanks Rog for that quote "The more you close your fist, the more will
slip through your fingers." You were right, the fist was too tight.
And she just slipped away through the cracks. So I've opened that fist
and now it's an open hand. Fly away. She may or may not fly back
someday. Probably not. But at least it set us both free.
I'm not bitter. She said before that she was afraid if she asks for
separation that I'd be bitter. I told her before it depends. If
there's someone else involved I'd be bitter. Probably take her to
court. But now, I think bitterness would only hurt more the ones I
love. I'm sad, hurt, frustrated, angry. But not bitter.
Now the healing begins. I've read a lot of articles about coping with
separation/divorce. They said it would take time for me to totally
heal. And since I'm single again, I have all the time in the world.
Good thing, no scratch that, the best thing is that I still get to see
my son everyday. And by God, I would make him the happiest son on
earth.
Again, I apologize for the lengthy post. But writing this really helps
me cope with the sadness. Thank you all for reading.
To J, take care my love. I hope you find that true happiness you've
been looking for all these years. If you ever find it, may it stay
with you all the days of your life. And if someday we ever meet again
in this road of life or the next, let us shake hands and refresh our
smiles again.
Bulletproofsoul
> Those who say that they know what's going on are wrong. A "gut
> reaction" is mere speculation. We don't know you or her. But I'll
> say this: Get thee to a marriage counsellor! Ask her to join you.
> If she won't, then the handwriting is on the wall, and you should go
> yourself. I'll also say: You come across as clingy. "The more you
> close your fist, the more will slip through your fingers." You will
> likely accomplish more by letting up and loosening the ropes. =R=
> ------------------------
>
Thanks all for the advice. But last night she already said goodbye.
It's heart-wrenching. The pain is unbearable. But I'm still here. She
didn't really literally said goodbye, I just read between the lines of
what she said. She said things like
"I don't know why you're still holding on. Why can't you let go?"
"My mind was telling me to work this out but my heart is telling me
otherwise."
"Why can't we be just friends?" etc. etc. and so on and so forth.
She again reiterated that she's starting to fall for the guy. But I
know she has already. Long before. I was fighting a losing battle. But
I still fought back. I didn't go down for the count without a fight.
But the opponent is just too strong for me.
After the talk we had, I drove and drove for hours with no real
destination. I got home late. I couldn't open the car door. It took me
another couple of hours to open the door and get out of the car. I put
the house keys in but I couldn't turn the knob. I went back to the car
and shed the tears I was holding back earlier. The tears weren't for
her. They were for me. After much thought, I've come to terms with
myself. I kept asking why did she do this to me, but all the while I
should've been asking why I did this to her. It's my fault that she
found happiness in another man. I know I could've done more. I
could've been more loving, more caring, more attentive to her needs.
Either that or I was too loving, too caring, too attentive. I was
blind and deaf. She was shouting for me but I couldn't hear her. She
was jumping up and down and yet I didn't see.
I've already made peace with myself. I'm still hurting. My God the
hurting. It hurts so much. But I've accepted my fate. I was supposed
to ask her to tell me everything. The whole truth. To not hold
anything back. But she already told me what I needed to hear. Those
few words she said contain all the answers I'm looking for. The
details are just irrelevant. I thank her for breaking it to me gently.
She still respects my feelings.
Thanks Rog for that quote "The more you close your fist, the more will
slip through your fingers." You were right, the fist was too tight.
And she just slipped away through the cracks. So I've opened that fist
and now it's an open hand. Fly away. She may or may not fly back
someday. Probably not. But at least it set us both free.
I'm not bitter. She said before that she was afraid if she asks for
separation that I'd be bitter. I told her before it depends. If
there's someone else involved I'd be bitter. Probably take her to
court. But now, I think bitterness would only hurt more the ones I
love. I'm sad, hurt, frustrated, angry. But not bitter.
Now the healing begins. I've read a lot of articles about coping with
separation/divorce. They said it would take time for me to totally
heal. I know that.
t@home
she gets *him*. If not, you will be just a visitor in your son's life
and he'll have the pleasure of a bunch of different guys in and out of
his life. Nice.
On Oct 24, 11:15 am, Bulletproofsoul <bulletproofsoul...@gmail.com>
wrote:
ChewsCrayons
1. trying to figure out what is going wrong or basically what 'you'
are doing wrong or what she feels 'you' are doing wrong so you can fix
it
2. even after she says 'marriage is not for her' and 'she has had an
affair' you seem to be still trying to hang on and work it out -- but
you don't get it, its not you, its not anything you can fix, she just
is not mature enough to be married, and a working mom, she wants her
freedom back.
3. your son - okay, here you have a parent that is sneaking around,
plotting on paper (not really smart) and not very communicative (but
very secretive). Really, who do you think the better parent is at
this point in time...
Stop being nice - let her have what she wants, open the door - push
her out and STOP allowing her to hurt you or your son further. She
made her decision, now let her live with it.
And I am a woman btw. I just get sick of this same scenario - and it
goes both ways - sometimes its the guy, sometimes its the woman.
Counseling - just a new way for them to point out your faults and feel
very smug and 'entitled' to what they have done.
So my advice? Give her exactly what she is asking for or.. you'll end
up like me, 18 years later finally realizing it is never going to
stop, still wondering what you did wrong.
deb :)
ChewsCrayons
deb.
ChewsCrayons
could've done more."
WRONG - why? Because when she married you she had a committment, both
in body, heart and soul.
She is allowing desire to ruin everything you built, the life with you
and with your son.
If she can throw it all way sooo easily, then maybe it is better she
left now vice this run on for years and years.
Now comes the important part - raising your son. Your son deserves to
be thought of as 'more important' than someone she is crushing on at
work. She was too eager to walk away or make 'concessions'. The pain
this will cause your son will be by far, worse than yours.
My daughters still try to deal with a father that does not care enough
to write, call or visit 'them'. When he does its to borrow money or
ask for a place to crash or like recently, wanting me to bail him out
of jail (again).
The pain and rejection they bear - is enormous... He will also feel
rejected and just not understand.
So - in this, do what is right for your son - you have a person
clearly unable to accept the responsibility of being married and being
a good parent / role model so my advice is - take the pain in your
heart and look to your son to fill it with love.
peace out
deb
Rog'
"Bulletproofsoul" <bulletpro...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Thanks all for the advice. But last night she already said goodbye.
> It's heart-wrenching. The pain is unbearable. But I'm still here. She
> didn't really literally said goodbye, I just read between the lines of
> what she said. She said things like "I don't know why you're still
> holding on. Why can't you let go?" "My mind was telling me to
> work this out but my heart is telling me otherwise." "Why can't
> we be just friends?" etc. etc. and so on and so forth.
>
> She again reiterated that she's starting to fall for the guy. But I
> know she already have . Long before. I was fighting a losing battle.
> But I still fought back. I didn't go down for the count without a
> fight. But the opponent is just too strong for me.
There will likely come a time when you and she have "D" talk. If
you want closure on this, its when you say, "Is there anything that
I can say or do that could change your mind (save our marriage)?"
A Vietnam Vet who got a "Dear John" letter said I had to ask, and
when she said no, it would help me move on. I did, and it did.
In the meantime, get practical and start protecting your ass[ets].
See a lawyer. Separate your finances, and connsider moving your
valuables to a secure location and changing the locks. If you are
the first to offer a settlement, you set the agenda, and if you are
fairly generous with the small stuff, it could save you a ton of legal
fees and grief in court.
T
I read the pain in your words and I know it's hard. I am sorry for your
suffering.
Rog and ChewsCrayons give good advice. I want to add a little as well. I
read in your note a lot of guilt about things that you should have done,
etc.
Do not go there. It takes two to tango. At the end of the day, she is
the one who stepped outside of the marriage and decided to end it.
Likely she had unrealistic expectations about how YOU should make her
happy. Many people do.
The battle is over and it is time to start fighting. Fight for your
relationship with your children (and their needs) first. Then fight for
the continuation of your life without her. Don't let feelings of guilt
lull you into giving up the farm. Get a good lawyer. Be fair and strong.
Good luck, and again, I'm sorry for what you're going through.
Regards,
T
In article <1193238812....@t8g2000prg.googlegroups.com>,
ibmoments
wrote:
Your story is so much like mine, and I'm sure like so many others here
as well. And, knowing that, it doesn't make it hurt any less. For what
it's worth, I recommend that you act quickly and decisively. Make it
clear to her that if she isn't willing to stop her affair and truly
work with you on saving your marriage, you're filing for divorce right
away. Make sure she quickly understands the changes that are going to
be happening in her life if she goes down this path. I say this
because I didn't do that. I kept looking for ways to hold on. Now I'm
finally getting the divorce done after 3 years of separation, and I
wish I had moved much more quickly. It would have saved 3 years of
feeling used.
Good luck to you, man...better days are ahead!
ibmoments
Bulletproofsoul
makes it easier to cope with this thing.
Yesterday I was so down that I can feel the center of the earth. I
thought I was going to die of grief. I'm not a religious man but I
went down on my knees and prayed. I asked for strength to endure what
I'm going through. I asked for wisdom so I may choose the right path.
The prayer was so intense that I thought I was sweating blood. And
then it hit me. Why am I doing this to myself?
We had another talk. Before the talk I thought it was going to be
harsh and brutal. I thought it would be like a board meeting kinda
talk: "I want out. Let's make the arrangements of who gets what, child
custody, etc." But when we started the talk, instead of her saying
those things I mentioned, she started out with: "What went wrong with
us?" Couple of hours has passed and we're still revisiting our
relationship. What does this mean? She could've said, "Hey, let's
separate and be done with this." But we were analyzing the past, the
present, and the future.
We got to talking about divorce, legal separation, trial separation,
etc. The consequences. What happens in a divorce blah blah blah. I was
surprised that she asked about divorce. I asked her, "Do you want a
divorce?" She said, "No, I'm just asking what divorce is and what it
entails." So I explained to her what's gonna happen if we go through
with it. I asked a lawyer friend of mine beforehand that's why I have
an answer.
We talked again and talked. She agreed to do a trial separation. I'll
move down the basement (with its own walkout) and and she gets to keep
the main floor. We started hammering out the details of the ground
rules. I said, minimal contact, the only contact we should have if it
involves our son, like taking him to the doctor, dentist, sunday
stroll, etc. She said that we shouldn't intentionally avoid each other
or not talk to each other. She said that things would be the same
except for 1) We have separate bedrooms, 2) I can come and go as I
please without asking or informing her, same goes for her. 3)
Housechores would be the same 4) Nothing changes in the payment of
bills 5) Our joint bank account would now be separate. So my money is
mine, hers is hers.
I agreed to the ground rules. We have to start somewhere don't we? So
this is a trial separation. She said how long should this trial be? I
told her not to set a deadline. If next week, next month, next year,
next decade she decides to move out then that's it. That goes the same
for me. If I think I can't live like this anymore then I'll move out
tomorrow, next month, next year.
After hammering out the details, we got to talking again. Just idle
chat, about our past and all that. Then we both started crying when I
brought up the first time we've met. And then she held my hand and we
hugged for a good 10 minutes. Not saying anything. Just hugged and
wept. I said, "we had fun didn't we? For the past 7 years? We had our
happy moments, right?" She said, "Yes, some of the happiest in my
life." She then said, "Who knows, someday, we shall meet again and
continue the journey together." The 4 hour talk was kinda relieving
for me. I thought it's just gonna end up in a big fight and
bitterness. I thanked her for making it non-stressful and easier. She
also thanked me for not losing my temper. Our previous talks always
ended up in a big fight. But this was different. I don't feel that sad
anymore.
Now, analyzing the last paragraph, what does that mean? Is she giving
me hope? Or false hope? During the entire talk, I was trying to find
out about her current relationship with the guy. She talked about it a
little and changed the subject. Probably trying to not hurt my
feelings. What do you guys think? I love my wife so much that I'd take
her back any second - with conditions of course. I love her so much
that I already let her go.
After we talked we had supper and then I started to notice some small
changes. She poured my drink (water) for me. She never does that. She
said "Pass the mashed potatoes please." with a smile. She never says
that, usually it's "Give me the mashed potatoes." After dinner, after
we've done away the dishes, I sat down to watch TV. We have 2 couches
in the living room, a 3-seater and a loveseat. I sat on the 3-seater.
She sat beside me. She usually sits on whatever couch I'm not on. And
then some other small stuff happened that I noticed that's too long to
mention here.
What is this? What is she trying to say? False hope again? Is she
feeling guilty now that's why she's being nice? I'm confused again. I
know it's wrong to hope this early, but you can't blame me for hoping.
I'd rather hope than despair. I have an inkling that it's a false
hope. But either that or hopelessness. I'm starting to move on with my
life. I made some plans for myself and my son. I plan to walk ahead
and never look back. But there's this part of me to want to look back.
I don't know. But then I thought about what could happen if we get
back together? I'll tell her if she wants to get back together, there
are 2 conditions: 1) She has to be committed 101%. Chews is right, it
takes two to tango. 2) No cheating. If she can't guarantee me those
things then I won't take her back. Thing is though, what if she
agrees, we get back together, can I ever trust her again? If she goes
out again with her "friends", I'm sure I'm gonna think that she's
cheating again. Right now, I don't want to think about it. But just
preparing myself for what might come someday.
Thanks for the advice in advanced.
Rog'
> We talked again and talked. She agreed to do a trial separation.
>I'll move down the basement (with its own walkout) and and she
> gets to keep the main floor. We started hammering out the details
> of the ground rules. I said, minimal contact, the only contact
> we should have if it involves our son, like taking him to the doctor,
> dentist, sunday stroll, etc. She said that we shouldn't intentionally
> I agreed to the ground rules. We have to start somewhere don't
> we? So this is a trial separation. She said how long should this
> trial be? I told her not to set a deadline. If next week, next month,
> next year, next decade she decides to move out then that's it.
> That goes the same for me. If I think I can't live like this anymore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unless you two can find a way to work on your marriage down the
road, this is "trial" separation is merely the first step toward a real
separation and divorce. I know a guy who did this trial separation
bit (moved his wife into an apartment), but they also did marriage
counselling. He got some come-ons from single ladies and he later
set a deadline of 12 months, meaning if his wife did not return in
that time, he would move on. But she did come home and they
are still married, 10 years later.
ChewsCrayons
I see you 'being nice' and giving her the better deals, by doing this
you are going right back to the same spot you were in before, making
concessions to make her happy.
Trust me - my ex kept asking, so we'd spend some time together and
slowly 'it' started again. Sometimes it started so quickly and was so
harsh I forgot it was MY home this time, and I had the right to ask
him to leave. I kept resorting back to making concessions for him,
changing for him, falling back into old patterns I guess but - we were
divorced, no it did not make sense.
About six months ago I realized that after 4+ years of being divorced,
I was still on the frindge of the marriage, and I was never going to
grow unless I just stopped it. I had to realize it was never going to
change, never. My ideas of the girls having a caring, loving father
was never going to happen.
You know in all this time I never dated, I kept remaining faithful to
a marriage that was over, and it was not love that did this, it was
'conditioning'. I did not want to set off one of 'his moods'.
And in this, I had enough and said "F-him and his moods". And I
stopped.. talking, trying, everything.
It was time for me to walk away.
Sometimes you can stay friends, sometimes not. I was always afraid of
how he'd react if I snubbed him, show up at my job? He already bugged
me at home and on the phone... Why was it so hard for me to just say
'stop'.
What bothers me the most about your letters is how you seem to act
like a responsible adult, yet you are rewarding her - when she was
not. Kinda exactly what I did and often I still wonder 'what did I
do wrong or how could I of fixed things'.
Odd huh.
Be well... Sure, talk, communicate - draw a line, you both walk over
it - and where you stepped from was yesterday, where you stepped to is
'today'.
Now - with a fresh piece of paper - take notes, and be honest with
yourself about who is playing who here and above all - who has the
sons interests at heart.
be well
deb.
T
Bulletproofsoul <bulletpro...@gmail.com> wrote:
<snipped for length>
> But there's this part of me to want to look back.
> I don't know. But then I thought about what could happen if we get
> back together? I'll tell her if she wants to get back together, there
> are 2 conditions: 1) She has to be committed 101%. Chews is right, it
> takes two to tango. 2) No cheating. If she can't guarantee me those
> things then I won't take her back. Thing is though, what if she
> agrees, we get back together, can I ever trust her again? If she goes
> out again with her "friends", I'm sure I'm gonna think that she's
> cheating again. Right now, I don't want to think about it. But just
> preparing myself for what might come someday.
>
> Thanks for the advice in advanced.
I think it's good that you two had a good long talk. I can't tell where
she is. I personally don't like the concept of trial separations,
especially if you are both free to date, etc. If that is the case, stick
a fork in it.
It almost sounds like she is trying to keep two options going, so she
can choose at the right time. I think she's using you.
If she won't give up her other guy, I don't see where you have a chance
as a couple.
Read "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a
Partner Has Been Unfaithful" by Janis A. Spring. You may find it helpful.
I don't know. It sounds really painful. Bottom line though is that if
she won't give up the guy, your move.
T
BP
>We talked again and talked. She agreed to do a trial separation. I'll
>move down the basement (with its own walkout) and and she gets to keep
>the main floor. We started hammering out the details of the ground
>rules. I said, minimal contact, the only contact we should have if it
>involves our son, like taking him to the doctor, dentist, sunday
>stroll, etc. She said that we shouldn't intentionally avoid each other
>or not talk to each other. She said that things would be the same
>except for 1) We have separate bedrooms, 2) I can come and go as I
>please without asking or informing her, same goes for her. 3)
>Housechores would be the same 4) Nothing changes in the payment of
>bills 5) Our joint bank account would now be separate. So my money is
>mine, hers is hers.
What do the ground rules say about her bringing her boyfriend home? Do
you have to listen to the bedsprings squeaking overhead while you are
down there in the basement?
BP
ibmoments
to nowhere. She did what she wanted while I supported her, and is
still doing that after three years. She's made no effort to get a job,
instead spending lots of time sunbathing and getting botox treatments
(with my money) so she looks good for the guys (the ones other than
me, that is). At least now our finances our separated and the divorce
will soon be final. Coincidentally, she's shown more interest in
getting a job lately!
My one piece of advice to you on the trial separation is...set a
deadline! I did...mine was 3 months, but I kept letting it slide.
There was always a reason, but these were really rationalizations. So
set a deadline and stick to it! Sometimes I think that if I had stuck
with the deadline we may have actually gotten back together, but most
of the time, I realize that I don't want to be spending my life with
someone who has no issue with taking advantage of me the way that she
did.
Good luck, man! And remember, there's lots of support available for
you, here and from other people as well.
ibmoments
On Oct 25, 11:27 am, Bulletproofsoul <bulletproofsoul...@gmail.com>
wrote:
AnonyMouse
Hi,
get out there, watch Monday Night Football at the pub, flirt a little,
date a little, have some fun.
in a year or two she might be coming back...
I know since my divorce I've "dated" my ex on at least 3 extended
occassions (not single dates, periods we'd date).
I know I'm better off now, but the sex was good.
AnonyMouse
> Now comes the important part - raising your son. Your son deserves to
> be thought of as 'more important' than someone she is crushing on at
> work. She was too eager to walk away or make 'concessions'. The pain
> this will cause your son will be by far, worse than yours.
that's true.
still get DNA testing
PG
> etc. The consequences. What happens in a divorce blah blah blah. I was
> surprised that she asked about divorce. I asked her, "Do you want a
> divorce?" She said, "No, I'm just asking what divorce is and what it
> entails." So I explained to her what's gonna happen if we go through
> with it. I asked a lawyer friend of mine beforehand that's why I have
> an answer.
>
> We talked again and talked. She agreed to do a trial separation. I'll
> move down the basement (with its own walkout) and and she gets to keep
> the main floor. We started hammering out the details of the ground
> rules. I said, minimal contact, the only contact we should have if it
> involves our son, like taking him to the doctor, dentist, sunday
> stroll, etc. She said that we shouldn't intentionally avoid each other
> or not talk to each other. She said that things would be the same
> except for 1) We have separate bedrooms, 2) I can come and go as I
> please without asking or informing her, same goes for her. 3)
> Housechores would be the same 4) Nothing changes in the payment of
> bills 5) Our joint bank account would now be separate. So my money is
>
ARGH! Been there... done that. I let my relationship go on like this
for 3 years.
It is so hard to let it go. I know now that I did all of the wrong
things. (Hind sight is 20 20)
Do not make the mistakes I made!
I have started a blog about ending a relationship - Check it out and
see if it helps:
http://endarelationship.blogspot.com/
Second, if you are anticipating a divorce you must prepare beforehand
so you don't
end up losing your son, too. I did not see my daughter for over a
year because she
decided that I could not. I was the nice guy - trying to work things
out. She was
positioning herself to get out. I finally won physical custody but
not until I had
spent $20,000.00 and 12 months in a court battle.
You do not have to do this if you get it right now.
There are some resources on my website: http://www.custodyforfathers.net
to help.
In any case I feel your pain. Hold on, hold out, and prepare for your
future.
Bulletproofsoul
Thank you so much to everyone for the advice. They helped me endure
all this.
Here's an update, she and her lover's relationship is in dire straits.
Her lover is starting to get jealous of me. Isn't it ironic, don't you
think?
We're still pushing for this trial separation. I set a deadline for 12
months. If after a year she still won't come back then we start filing
for legal separation/divorce, child custody, division of assets, etc.
We're friends now. She's now asking for advice. A shoulder to cry on.
A friend. I know I know, it's stupid. But what can I do? I still love
my wife with all my heart. And I think she still loves me. She's just
too proud to admit it to me or to herself.
Last Sunday I hit rock bottom. We had a big fight. Threats of child
custody were thrown around. A lot of things were said that I know both
of us didn't mean to say. We cooled off for an hour and talked again
like two civilized people.
The morning after, around 6AM, she laid down beside me in the bedroom
basement where I'm sleeping in now. She was asking for forgiveness for
all the things she did. I told her that I've already forgiven her,
even if she wouldn't ask.
Then we started talking again, about the past, present, and future. To
my surprise, she started asking about reconciliation. She said, "Is
reconciliation possible between us?" I said yes. I will not close my
heart to her. Not yet anyway. Am I ready to close it? No not yet. I
can wait for a while I told her, but I can't wait forever. Then we
talked again, cuddled, hugged, wept, laughed. Best 2 hours of my life.
After the talk, she asked me to make her favorite Monte Cristo
sandwich Bennigan's style (I make a killer Monte Cristo). After
breakfast she went to bed and I did some chores. And you know what? I
found myself smiling. I now know that after all I've been through. I'm
still here, I'm standing up and ready to walk forward. Time is on my
hands and I'll make my and my son's lives the happiest ever.
Will she ever comeback? Who knows? If she does, and I'm not involved
with anyone, I'll welcome her with open arms. If she doesn't comeback,
well, life goes on.
Thanks all. Be well, do good work, keep on rockin'.
ibmoments
If so, forget the 12 month trial separation BS. It is BS...been there,
done that...it's a path to divorce. If she is asking about
reconciliation, and you want to do it, then pounce on it! Tell her
that reconciliation is possible but she's gotta commit to working with
you on it now. Time is your enemy, not your friend, even though it may
seem otherwise to you right now.
Be well, man, and good luck!
ibmoments
On Oct 30, 6:04 pm, Bulletproofsoul <bulletproofsoul...@gmail.com>
wrote:
> Thanks all. Be well, do good work, keep on rockin'.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
ChewsCrayons
time and.... the next time.
In what you wrote, I kept seeing her using everything possible, from
verbal to physical to even using sentimental emotions.
I know I do not sound as if I am being fair but.... just be careful
because I have seen too many times these same 'tactics' pulled out,
the apoligizes, the 'I won't do it anymore, I don't know why I did it,
I don't love her, I swear-swear-swear I love you and it will never
happen again and yada-yada.
What will hurt you most is when she slips.... give it time, it always
starts up again - slowly, steadily and then you are back to either
'blaming (its your fault)' or the apologizies
Just fair warning... because sure there are the rare few that slip and
sincerely want to make up for it, but then there are the self-
centered, selfish 'its all about me' that just want what they want,
when they want it - regardless of how anyone else feels and will put
on the best 'oh I got caught and really need to very quickly, set this
right so I am not out on the street' play.
Be well and I do hope it goes well for you.
One suggestion, for each time you conceed, ask yourself if she is also
making concessions for the sake of your marriage... (or is it all
'you').
Deb.
AnonyMouse
> Hey, man...do you want to reconcile with her? It sounds like you do.
> If so, forget the 12 month trial separation BS. It is BS...been there,
> done that...it's a path to divorce.
Hi,
the ideal situation would be to GET THE DIVORCE WITH THE STATED IDEAL OF
"A NEW START FOR BOTH OF US" where she goes along and doesn't rape and
pillage you...
then date her or whatever... ex sex can be great!