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weird thermostat
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scattered
Apr 17, 2012, 9:57:49 AM4/17/12
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Greetings,
I've started posting again because things have started to get a bit weird again.
For most of the last year I was doing fairly well. I had gotten a promotion at
work and seemed to be holding up to the increased responsibilities. I had been
off all medication for at least 2 years. I had scaled back therapy to every once every 6 weeks or so, and was thinking of stopping it altogether. In early
March I was even starting to use the C word ("cured") and had started to doubt
that I had ever had any sort of a dissociative disorder. But then - I changed
over the course of just a couple of days. Sort of like the way a thermostat
kicks in when a room grows too cool, it seems that something in me kicks in
when my mind starts to become too normal. The problem is that the vision I
sometimes have of what it means to be "cured" just leaves too many parts out.
When I am in high-functioning mode, these parts might stay in the background,
but being in the background isn't the same as being completely ignored/
submerged. Somewhat unexpectedly they more or less vetoed my "cure."
I remember the day it happened (March 16th, in the afternoon). I wasn't quite
sure just what happened and came close to writing it off as just a weird mood.
But then the next day, I had the idea that I should start a journal - something
that I hadn't done for over a year. In the past I had destroyed all of my old
journals and had viewed them as somehow dangerous. For a couple of days I had
trouble writing in it. But by the 20th I started writing intensely and haven't
stopped - filling up about 200 pages in the process. Furthermore - I'm really
letting myself go when I write, and am experiencing things like radically
shifted handwriting, including using cursive (something I hadn't done since
Junior High). A couple of times it felt like automatic writing where I had
little control over the pen.
I've seen T a couple of times since then. I showed her the first journal and
let her hang onto it since she didn't have time to digest it all. I bought
another journal which I wrote in for another week and then traded in for the
original journal. I don't know if we will keep doing this but it seems to work.
I find that I am all of a sudden able to talk to her much more directly than
at any time in the past. In the past, when I would dissociate in her office,
I would mostly just go into a trance-like state and more or less shut down.
But the last two sessions - I felt myself dissociating but then speaking to her
very directly. What surprised both of us was that some internal part was able
to speak openly. That has never happened in the past. I absolutley hate anything
which seems like an affectation - but this didn't seem like that.
I don't really know where this is all leading. In some ways it feels healthy -
but it also feels dangerous. I am not opposed to the idea of being "cured" per
se - I just need to find a notion of a cure which doesn't entail internal
repression.
-scattered
I've started posting again because things have started to get a bit weird again.
For most of the last year I was doing fairly well. I had gotten a promotion at
work and seemed to be holding up to the increased responsibilities. I had been
off all medication for at least 2 years. I had scaled back therapy to every once every 6 weeks or so, and was thinking of stopping it altogether. In early
March I was even starting to use the C word ("cured") and had started to doubt
that I had ever had any sort of a dissociative disorder. But then - I changed
over the course of just a couple of days. Sort of like the way a thermostat
kicks in when a room grows too cool, it seems that something in me kicks in
when my mind starts to become too normal. The problem is that the vision I
sometimes have of what it means to be "cured" just leaves too many parts out.
When I am in high-functioning mode, these parts might stay in the background,
but being in the background isn't the same as being completely ignored/
submerged. Somewhat unexpectedly they more or less vetoed my "cure."
I remember the day it happened (March 16th, in the afternoon). I wasn't quite
sure just what happened and came close to writing it off as just a weird mood.
But then the next day, I had the idea that I should start a journal - something
that I hadn't done for over a year. In the past I had destroyed all of my old
journals and had viewed them as somehow dangerous. For a couple of days I had
trouble writing in it. But by the 20th I started writing intensely and haven't
stopped - filling up about 200 pages in the process. Furthermore - I'm really
letting myself go when I write, and am experiencing things like radically
shifted handwriting, including using cursive (something I hadn't done since
Junior High). A couple of times it felt like automatic writing where I had
little control over the pen.
I've seen T a couple of times since then. I showed her the first journal and
let her hang onto it since she didn't have time to digest it all. I bought
another journal which I wrote in for another week and then traded in for the
original journal. I don't know if we will keep doing this but it seems to work.
I find that I am all of a sudden able to talk to her much more directly than
at any time in the past. In the past, when I would dissociate in her office,
I would mostly just go into a trance-like state and more or less shut down.
But the last two sessions - I felt myself dissociating but then speaking to her
very directly. What surprised both of us was that some internal part was able
to speak openly. That has never happened in the past. I absolutley hate anything
which seems like an affectation - but this didn't seem like that.
I don't really know where this is all leading. In some ways it feels healthy -
but it also feels dangerous. I am not opposed to the idea of being "cured" per
se - I just need to find a notion of a cure which doesn't entail internal
repression.
-scattered
astri
Apr 20, 2012, 12:57:10 PM4/20/12
to
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
scattered
Apr 22, 2012, 6:58:02 AM4/22/12
to
* Not in the too-intense for fragile people to handle it Spoiler
* Though it was rated R
* And was somewhat intense
*
*
The temptation to effect a cure through some sort of internal repression
can be fairly strong.
I was reminded of this when I saw the film "127 Hours" last weekend.
This was based on the true story of a hiker who got stranded in a
narrow slot-canyon in Utah's Canyon Lands. A boulder had shifted on him and
pinned his right hand under it's several hundred pounds weight. After
realizing his predicament, realizing that he couldn't move the rock, and
realizing that he was unlikely to be rescued since nobody knew where he was,
he resigned himself to death and spent much of the 127 hours refered to in the
title in making a sort of last will and testament with a portable video
camera, while slowly consuming the last of his water. But survival instinct
kicked in and he was able to eventually amputate his right arm with a rather
dull utility instrument and hike out to find help.
I enjoyed the film. I didn't know in advance that it would result in amputation
since I wasn't familar with the incident and knew no more about what happened
than the official trailer showed (hence my attempt to "spolier" this post). The
film was inspiring in a life-affirming way. But - its message doesn't apply
in any straight-forward way to the psycholical realm.
I often feel stuck in a weird place where I think nobody can help me. And while
it is not as dramatic of being within hours of dying of thirst, I think that
sooner or later I'll die if I stay here. Furthermore - this stuckness seems to
be *localized* in a way that not all psychological problems are. It seems that
part of me is holding the rest of me down. Sometimes,it seems both possible
and desirable to somehow amputate that part of me to let the rest survive.
But - bad things tend to happen whenever I try.
I wrote the following poem in January 2000, at a time when I had two children
who were 4 and 6 years old:
Goodbye to all that.
**********************
I used to stare out into life and think that it was void.
But I have little children and don't want them denied
A decent chance that happiness might somehow come their way -
It's time to change, I must be brave: it's time to say goodbye.
To say goodbye to nothingness and bid the void adieu
They've been the very best of friends but now they have to go.
I can't be such a nihilist now that the kids are here -
It's bad enough they have my genes, they don't need my despair
**********************
I was quite sincere when I wrote that. But this "nothingness/void" I was
refering to was implicitly code for something which was part of me. In any
event, it didn't work and the next month (2/2000) I started on a long downwards
spiral. In retrospect this incident was an early example of a pattern which
has now played out at least 3 times (including last month) in which I try,
apparently with great maturity, to simply *be* healthy. In effect - I tell
myself to "snap out of it" - which is both insulting and useless, even if it
comes from yourself. And - when it comes from part of myself and is directed
against other parts, it does seem to backfire.
-scattered
jill
Apr 22, 2012, 11:03:57 PM4/22/12
to
In article <16292078.150.1335092282330.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@ynmm10>,
I met this man once. He is so totally normal. I can't imagine
being normal if I went through this. Of course, I can't imagine
being a male in his early 20s either so I would never had done
what he did in the first place that got him into that situation
*wry grin*
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
being normal if I went through this. Of course, I can't imagine
being a male in his early 20s either so I would never had done
what he did in the first place that got him into that situation
*wry grin*
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
scattered
Apr 23, 2012, 4:44:43 AM4/23/12
to ji...@tuells.org
> He is so totally normal. I can't imagine
> being normal if I went through this.
cometz
Apr 28, 2012, 12:33:53 AM4/28/12
to
On Apr 23, 4:44 am, scattered <rescatte...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Sunday, April 22, 2012 11:03:57 PM UTC-4, jill wrote:
> > In article <16292078.150.1335092282330.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@ynmm10>,
> On Sunday, April 22, 2012 11:03:57 PM UTC-4, jill wrote:
> > In article <16292078.150.1335092282330.JavaMail.geo-discussion-forums@ynmm10>,
>
>
>
>
> > Of course, I can't imagine
> > being a male in his early 20s either so I would never had done
> > what he did in the first place that got him into that situation
> > *wry grin*
>
> > Rainbow Colors (Jill)
> > --
> > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
> > we are becoming white light.
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