Memory Restoration...
Tracy R Kateley
I've been diagnosed with DID for 3 long years now. It's been a real
hard experience, but we manage by the skin of our teeth. I have a question
for anyone who has been or is going through this nightmare. I have recently
started to remember some of my teenage years. Nothing bad yet, but things I
didn't even know happened. An old friend, whom I just recently ran into,
started reminding me of some of the things we use to do in high school, and
the stories are really funny. However, I'm afraid that some of the horrible
memories that I know are in there will start coming back too. I know
they're coming because the others are going nuts. The noise in my head is
deafening at times, and I'm loosing what little control of my life I have.
I'm scared and I just don't know how to handle things now, or what may come.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks...
T. <><
Rainbow Colors
*sigh* This is the stuff that makes me wonder 'do I tell them honestly
or do I keep my mouth shut' *sigh*
Ok, the truth. Things generally get worse before they get better. In a
really warped way this is a _good_ thing (keep telling yourself that
and it may make you laugh some day:) because when a person is in a
state of flux more changes can happen. A person who is content with
where they are at is very unlikely to change anything dysfunctional
but a person who is uncomfortable will be very likely to start looking
at the cause of the discomfort and make some positive changes.
Now the more cheery piece to this all. I firmly believe (and have had
it proven to me time and time again) that a person will _not_ start
remembering stuff unless they are ready/capable for it. If they are
'forced' to remember stuff before this time they will just forget it
as fast as they remember it (I know _I_ did). So, as you remember more
it means you are strong enough to handle what you are getting. First
the 'easy' stuff and then the more difficult stuff. Of course this
assumes there is difficult stuff to remember but I figure no one is
perfect so if you have _no_ memories and then start to remember only
positive stuff there must be negative stuff mixed in there as well
(it's all a matter of degree as to _how_ negative, imo).
What to do about it all. Start building relationships inside. Everyone
in your system will help out and work in their own way to keep the
system safe! The more you know about each other the more you can work
together when needed. Even if someone seems to be doing something
harmful, from _their_ pov it is probably something that is either
necessary or they think it is beneficial. The better you know each
other now the easier it will be at those times to negotiate
compromises.
All of this said, if/when you do start getting less positive memories
it won't feel easy. It won't feel 'fun' and it won't feel like you are
ready for it *sigh* But you _will_ get through it and it _will_ get
better. In the meantime, store up all the positive stuff you are
getting now so you can remember it later :)
Oh yeah, it also helps (well, I found this out about half way through
t'py and realized it would have helped if I had known it earlier:) to
remember that this is something you go _through_ and not something
that is happening 'at' (or 'to') you. It has a beginning, a middle and
an end. Sometimes it seems like people feel they are stuck in the
middle when they are actually moving through it toward the end. They
just can't see it clearly I guess. I think of it like learning to play
the guitar. You begin by learning very basic stuff, then comes the h*ll
of practicing and learning years of new stuff, and finally you work on
the subtlty of perfecting pieces and improving skills. It is a process
that never really ends but sort of tapers off.
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
we are becoming white light.
ji...@tuells.org
uncanny
>Message-id: <FCu7t...@illusion.tuells.org>
WOW Jill,
This is so well written and excellent advise! I'll take it too. I wonder,
for you, when you started your process were you co-conscious? If not, or
mostly not, did playing help. I know you are a big advocate for art therapy
and other alternative therapies.
Just curious...
thanks,
uncanny
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For info about this service, see http://www.twwells.com/anon/ or e-mail:
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Rainbow Colors
uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
> >From: ji...@illusion.tuells.org (Rainbow Colors)
>>Message-id: <FCu7t...@illusion.tuells.org>
>
>WOW Jill,
>This is so well written and excellent advise! I'll take it too. I wonder,
>for you, when you started your process were you co-conscious? If not, or
>mostly not, did playing help. I know you are a big advocate for art therapy
>and other alternative therapies.
>Just curious...
>thanks,
>uncanny
Yes and no. Depends on who you asked *grin* Really, that is very hard
to answer because we didn't know the concept of co-consciousness at
the time so it's hard to say in hindsight if what we had was co-con or
not. Some of us knew of others of us. I personally could hear a few of
the others inside at times. Of course at the time that was 'proof'
that I was crazy :(
Playing didn't help us to be co-con. It made me feel even more nutso.
Imagine, intentionally sitting down to color or fingerpaint or
whatever and then *blink* losing an hour or so and finding all sorts
of finished art work (some of it quite good:) I know that art helped
many of the others to express things there weren't words for. My
t'pist used to talk about how powerful our art was (it all looked the
same to me, confusing:) and it used to be a great point for others to
start topics in t'py that needed to be dealt with.
I'm a big advocate for whatever works best for any given person or
system. In my case I needed to use unconventional methods because I
'thought' too much about the regular ones. I also know that these
aren't for everyone so it's always up to each of us to decide what
will help. I figure try it, if it helps great, if not chuck it :)
Rainbow Colors (Jill)
astri
>On Mon, 7 Jun 1999, Rainbow Colors wrote:
>>
>> Playing didn't help us to be co-con. It made me feel even more nutso.
>> Imagine, intentionally sitting down to color or fingerpaint or
>> whatever and then *blink* losing an hour or so and finding all sorts
>> of finished art work (some of it quite good:) I know that art helped
>> many of the others to express things there weren't words for. My
>> t'pist used to talk about how powerful our art was (it all looked the
>> same to me, confusing:) and it used to be a great point for others to
>> start topics in t'py that needed to be dealt with.
>
>on the Mosaic Mind:
>
>so i wonder does it follow then, that if there is an intentional sit down
>to paint or do some other art stuff (child's kind), and that is the only
>thing really that makes a "person" feel more like a rainbow--not
>depressed--then what is really happening is not making the Self happier
>but in essence the Self becomes the blended part, the child, and
>so is away from the Self and that is the only reason the depression has
>lifted because the Self is left with a realistic sadness. So then any
>ideas on what direction the Self should be taking?
>
>jeanne
ummm...hello jeanne. it looks like you are missing a piece of understanding
of the experience of dissociative identities. there *is* no singular
experience of "self." the child may not be depressed, and thus would show
no depression. the adult that sat down to paint may be depressed. the
child and the adult are separated from each other, and -- depending upon the
degree of internal communication between them -- may or may not know about
each other, and may or may not be able to communicate directly with each
other, and may or may not be able to be aware of what the body is doing when
the other is the one driving the body, and may or may not have any later
memory of what happened when the other was driving the body.
*which* "self" should be taking a direction?
not every multiple has an "original body person."
not every multiple has a "core."
many inside people have *no* sense of self, although they know they are not
the others inside. many multiples have no inside people who have any sense
of self.
in this world, your question didn't make any sense.
now, you might ask: "in what direction might the *system* go?"
in that case, I'd say that they should strive for internal communication,
cooperation, and compromise. makes life a *whole* lot easier. :)
astri
Rainbow Colors
Jeanne <jea...@piglet.asarian.org> wrote:
>spoiler just in case...
>
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>x
>
>On Mon, 7 Jun 1999, Rainbow Colors wrote:
>
>>
>> Imagine, intentionally sitting down to color or fingerpaint or
>> whatever and then *blink* losing an hour or so and finding all sorts
>> of finished art work (some of it quite good:) I know that art helped
>> many of the others to express things there weren't words for. My
>> t'pist used to talk about how powerful our art was (it all looked the
>> same to me, confusing:) and it used to be a great point for others to
>> start topics in t'py that needed to be dealt with.
>>
>
>on the Mosaic Mind:
>
>so i wonder does it follow then, that if there is an intentional sit down
>to paint or do some other art stuff (child's kind), and that is the only
>thing really that makes a "person" feel more like a rainbow--not
>depressed--then what is really happening is not making the Self happier
>but in essence the Self becomes the blended part, the child, and
>so is away from the Self and that is the only reason the depression has
>lifted because the Self is left with a realistic sadness. So then any
>ideas on what direction the Self should be taking?
>
>jeanne
Ok, if I follow what you are saying I think your experience has been
quite different from mine in this respect. Hopefully, my stuff will
help you a bit...
If you are at a point where you have 'realistic sadness' then I'd say
start from that point and work 'backwards' to the depression. Maybe
your sadness is happening when you are in touch with _why_ you are sad
and your depression is happening when you are blocking this 'why'.
Maybe by experiencing the sadness as healthy, appropriate and safe you
can then remember this when you are depressed and try to get back to
that point of sadness then.
Maybe when you are in the sadness you can explore the limits of this
and the whys and all that goes into making the sadness and so when you
are depressed you will have learned something that will help you out
then.
Maybe this will help? Not sure because it sounds like your experience
in this situation is different from what happened for me. Maybe keep
talking here and other people can chime in?
Rainbow Colors
In article <Pine.LNX.3.96.990608...@ASARian.org>,
Jeanne <jea...@piglet.asarian.org> wrote:
>On Tue, 8 Jun 1999, astri wrote:
>
>> in this world, your question didn't make any sense.
>>
>
>thank goodness, astri, you are making sense out of it though. you do write
>like a pretty rainbow (really).
Hee hee, it's happening again astri. People are thinking you and I are
the same body *really huge grin*
astri
I'm not *pregnant*!!!!!!!
On Wed, 9 Jun 1999, Rainbow Colors wrote:
>lots of snippage :)
astri
>On Tue, 8 Jun 1999, astri wrote:
[...]
>> >so i wonder does it follow then, that if there is an intentional sit
>> >down to paint or do some other art stuff (child's kind), and that is the
>> >only thing really that makes a "person" feel more like a rainbow--not
>> >depressed--then what is really happening is not making the Self happier
>> >but in essence the Self becomes the blended part, the child, and so is
>> >away from the Self and that is the only reason the depression has lifted
>> >because the Self is left with a realistic sadness. So then any ideas on
>> >what direction the Self should be taking?
>> >
>> >jeanne
>>
>> understanding of the experience of dissociative identities.
>
>
>yes, i think i was just reading the viewpoint of author(s) who believe
>there has to be a self and if there is not, then it is blended or hidden. i
what is this theoretical self that they are talking about? do you know?
>guess i thought that was how it was for every dissociative. and even with
>that, i think you are right in my not quite understanding that there is not
>a lot (if any) of awareness sometimes if it happens, until you (maybe?)
>train yourself to be aware of it.
folks start out with different levels of awareness. different inside folks
in the same body can have different levels of awareness.
>> there *is* no singular experience of "self." the child may not be
>> depressed, and thus would show no depression. the adult that sat down to
>> paint may be depressed. the child and the adult are separated from each
>> other, and -- depending upon the degree of internal communication between
>> them -- may or may not know about each other, and may or may not be able
>> to communicate directly with each other, and may or may not be able to be
>> aware of what the body is doing when the other is the one driving the
>> body, and may or may not have any later memory of what happened when the
>> other was driving the body.
>>
>or maybe just not remember the details but remember maybe in a general
>way?
quite possibly
>> *which* "self" should be taking a direction?
>>
>> not every multiple has an "original body person."
>> not every multiple has a "core."
>>
>> many inside people have *no* sense of self, although they know they are
>> not the others inside.
>
>> many multiples have no inside people who have any sense
>> of self.
>
>for some reason i find that very perceptive if and when you realize that
>no inside people have any sense of self.
have to have some understanding of what a sense of self might be before
realizing or understanding that one has none.
>> in this world, your question didn't make any sense.
>>
>thank goodness, astri, you are making sense out of it though. you do write
>like a pretty rainbow (really).
>
>> now, you might ask: "in what direction might the *system* go?"
>>
>> in that case, I'd say that they should strive for internal communication,
>> cooperation, and compromise. makes life a *whole* lot easier. :)
>>
>cooperation between the extreme parts seems like an uplifting direction to
>go.
>
>> astri
>
>thank you, astri for a very soothing response.
>
>chiming,
>jeanne
you're welcome.
astri
Sirona
In article <Pine.BSI.3.96.990609...@malasada.lava.net>,
I've started reading about a philosopher named Gurdjieff, he had a
theory that every person was fragmented. I think it has something to do
with 'other parts' forming to please others preconceived ideas of us,
and then these parts learn to take over in certain situations.
Just thought I'd share that with you.
Cheers
Sirona
<snipped>
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Queen lil
>theory that every person was fragmented. I think it has something to do
>with 'other parts' forming to please others preconceived ideas of us,
>and then these parts learn to take over in certain situations.
I could see this being true of singletons who might behave this way....well
except for me as I have always been "difficult" :) But not of someone who is
dissociative and has had to deal with the repercussions of someone else popping
out at a bad time...or someone else who isn't happy with the bidy for example.
JMO
Margaret
"You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than
you think."
Christopher Robin to Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure"
to reply directly to me remove nojunk from my email address
STANDARDS
Hi,
I'm Lucha (plus Tribe), and I'm new to this group, as of this moment :-)
I've never joined a newsgroup before, only email discussion lists, so
this may be a little different, and take some getting used to, on my end.
Guess I'll start by jumping in, because that's how I handle things best (at
least when I'm Lucha, lol...).
Trust is hard for me, as I'm sure it is for most of you. I battle that
by being as honest and open as I can (my ex called that being "brutally
honest" or "bl*dgeoning people with the truth," but I played the role of
being keeper of secrets and lies, growing up, so I don't play that, now).
My name means "struggle" in Spanish. And it's something I say a lot:
"Siempre hay la lucha" -- "there is always the struggle." The Tribe gave it
to me after I figured out I wasn't alone in here and couldn't just keep
using the body's name, since we all respond to that.
Who I Am:
I am a 38-year-old Latina female, with 3 children (ages 18, 11, and
6). Been married 3 times, and have given up on trying to live like that. Now
live with my two oldest children, after a very unpleasant divorce and
custody gig that took my youngest away from me, and made the last year the
most difficult in my recent history.
Until a few years ago, I taught at the university level as a
professor of literature and cultural studies. My focus was the design and
development of curricula. I have several post-graduate degrees, including a
Ph.D. My dissertation was on trauma studies. I have also worked as a
counselor, especially with teens and adults in crisis.
Social Security approved me for permanent disability a couple of years
ago, so I don't have to work. Now I'm putting my energy into healing. Well,
every time I say I'm going to devote myself to healing, it doesn't happen.
Let's hope this time I can do it...<sigh>...
Why I Am Here:
I am a survivor of child s*x**l abuse, beginning at the hands of my
maternal grandfather at age 2. He got to my mother, the charming fellow.
He's passed on now.
The mother hooked up with a man just like her father, when I was 4.
More of the same, with domestic t*rrorism thrown in for the audience at
home. Much violence. Much p*rn, in which my brother and I were forced to
participate.
My brother was diagnosed schizophrenic when he was 17. I think it's
more properly schizophrenogenesis: that he was *driven* crazy by the severe
ab*se. He was the one that took it; I was the one who ran.
I was on my own by age 13. Foster homes, shelters, an institution,
etc. Was independent living by age 14. Took a job as a nanny at 15. Became a
mistress, instead. That was a pattern for several years.
Never attended high school. Had to take care of my brother and
mother, even after I left their house. Finally, though, one of the "daddies"
for whom I was mistress/nanny pushed me into college.
I had my first severe nervous breakdown on campus, in 1978. Lot of
pressure in my head, telling me I had no business trying to survive, let
alone thrive. So I dropped out of college and got pregnant.
Left my first husband after 18 months, with a 6 month old baby, my
son. Lived on welfare for a while. Decided to go back to college, but kept
having severe panic attacks. Even under hypnosis, I couldn't say why. I have
continuous memory of the abuse, but I didn't deal with it at all.
Developed viral encephalitis at age 24. Lost my vision and memory
for 6 weeks. I had been a dancer and swimmer; the sequelae from the
neurological damage pretty much ruined that. But I did not die.
The next year, I developed endocervical cancer, level IV. That
lasted 17 months, while I was becoming a fairly righteous alcoholic. But I
finally consented to the surgery, and I did not die.
Became pregnant by donor insemination with my second child, a
daughter, one month after the surgery. My healthy, happy miracle baby. I had
been in relationships only with women, at that point, and continued to
define myself as a lesbian for a total of about 10 years.
My lover at that time was an active drug addict. She went in and out
of rehabs, but didn't get clean and sober for 6 more years.
In the meantime, I had discovered that there was as much violence
between women as from men. I created it; I participated in it; I was afraid
to be vulnerable.
Decided to try to have a relationship with a "healthy person,"
regardless of gender. Found a nice guy. Got married. Had a 3rd child, also a
daughter. He didn't drink and didn't beat me, which is high praise in my
culture, but he broke some trust issues, and I don't do forgiveness well.
Last year, I went through some abrupt and searing changes. The world
seemed tilted, and I didn't understand any of it. I began to lose time.
Would be walking to class, on a campus where I'd taught for 8 years, and
lose my way. "Come to" in the middle of a lecture, and not know what was
going on, just that the students were looking at me expectantly, and it was
clear I had been talking.
I couldn't take it. Thought my mind was gone. I was also
experiencing "hyper-religiosity"; thought I could k*ll myself and "go to
g*d." So I worked on de*th for a while, made some grand efforts.
My husband intervened. I finally realized that, unlike in lesbian
relationships, when you're legally married heterosexually, your spouse is
your legal next of kin. He could lock me up whenever he wanted. I asked for
a divorce, and gave my ex SO (female) power of attorney for my medical.
The hospitals began saying there was something "organic" wrong with
me; that it was not psychiatric. They determined temporal lobe epilepsy
(TLE). I began taking Depakote, which has helped me stabilize a great deal,
but also makes the DID more confusing, because I can't always tell the
difference between an absence seizure and switching without
co-consciousness. Anyone else have a dx of both TLE and DID??
Anyway, around the same time I was being treated for the epilepsy, I
met what I had feared so long: the faces of the "other voices" inside me.
We've had some nice long chats, and I don't fear them anymore. There are
bigs, littles, and what one of my littles calls "tweens" (she understood the
word "teens" to mean people who were "in between" bigs and littles, so she
says "tweens").
There are about 30 of us, ranging in age from 2 to 80, and including a
few males, both big and little. Over the past several years, we have worked
a lot to achieve consistent co-consciousness, and from there to achieve
consensus. Not an easy task.
I like what jane says about "the webpage effect." I don't really use
that metaphor much regarding childhood, but I use it with my own family and
friends, when they're asking me to talk to them about something another part
of me did or knows about. The few people who know I'm many are pretty
patient when I ask a question they've already answered, or when they need me
to remember something I don't remember hearing anything about. They say:
"Well, _somebody_ in you knows." I take a moment and say: "Wait a second:
accessing that file...". Seems that my mind is like a computer now, where
things are stored in places I can only get to if I remember the passwords or
the file names of who wrote the entries... Whew!
Finally, I want to tell Merprice that I share some of those feelings of
isolation, which is why I'm here, too. I hope we both end up feeling
welcome.
Lucha
Merprice3
Thank you for putting me in your first post! I feel special =) I am new too,
thank you for jumping in and allowing us to learn about you. I am welcoming you
:-) I hope I will continue to see you posting and we can keep in touch.
Take care and stay safe,
Meredith
astri
[...]
>> what is this theoretical self that they are talking about? do you know?
>
>mosaic book and it is from the IRS, Internal Family Systems Model, and the
>authors consider the self a more metaphysical concept--something greater
>than the sum of the parts. So the self is not any one part or not even the
>collective, it is a separate entity it seems. The self is an observer but
>is not just an observer. The self has influence I guess you can call it
>over the parts--a will maybe. And the authors give an example of the
>orchestra leader who not only observes but influences what happens, without
>being any or all of the parts.
maybe it is what I might consider a collective unconscious (internal, as
opposed to jung's universal collective unconscious). I've kind of wondered
if something like that was going on here, cuz there certainly wasn't any
alter in conscious control of stuff. I can't imagine how that self they are
talking about could have consciousness and not manifest somehow (if it did,
it would prolly be identified as an ish -- internal self-helper).
>personally i think that is somewhat difficult to do in a sustaining manner
>throughout someone's life time. what do you think?
that's why I think it's the unconscious.
[...]
>> have to have some understanding of what a sense of self might be before
>> realizing or understanding that one has none.
>
>i think that the IFS might have a workable self concept, though not quick
>but seems doable.
you mean you think that this might be a reasonable goal for systems?
astri
uncanny
>Message-id: <FCz4J...@illusion.tuells.org>
>
>In article <7jd96e$diu$1...@twwells.com>,
>uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
>> >From: ji...@illusion.tuells.org (Rainbow Colors)
>>>Message-id: <FCu7t...@illusion.tuells.org>
>>
>>WOW Jill,
>>This is so well written and excellent advise! I'll take it too. I wonder,
>>for you, when you started your process were you co-conscious? If not, or
>>mostly not, did playing help. I know you are a big advocate for art therapy
>
>>and other alternative therapies.
>>Just curious...
>>thanks,
>>uncanny
>
>Yes and no. Depends on who you asked *grin* Really, that is very hard
>to answer because we didn't know the concept of co-consciousness at
>the time so it's hard to say in hindsight if what we had was co-con or
>not. Some of us knew of others of us. I personally could hear a few of
>the others inside at times. Of course at the time that was 'proof'
>that I was crazy :(
>
not necessarily coconsciousness...
>Playing didn't help us to be co-con. It made me feel even more nutso.
>Imagine, intentionally sitting down to color or fingerpaint or
>whatever and then *blink* losing an hour or so and finding all sorts
>of finished art work (some of it quite good:) I know that art helped
I can imagine. I saw someone actually do that and she did feel more nutso
after. I really felt for her. She was switching every few minutes.
>many of the others to express things there weren't words for. My
>t'pist used to talk about how powerful our art was (it all looked the
>same to me, confusing:) and it used to be a great point for others to
>start topics in t'py that needed to be dealt with.
>
I don't think I could do that. I was artistic when I was little but now if I
picked
up a pen to draw I would only doodle and it wouldn't mean anything.
>I'm a big advocate for whatever works best for any given person or
>system. In my case I needed to use unconventional methods because I
>'thought' too much about the regular ones. I also know that these
>aren't for everyone so it's always up to each of us to decide what
>will help. I figure try it, if it helps great, if not chuck it :)
>
>Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
>--
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
> we are becoming white light.
> ji...@tuells.org
>
Rainbow Colors
In article <7jsj2t$71s$1...@twwells.com>,
uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
>>Date: Mon, Jun 7, 1999 16:21 EDT
>>Message-id: <FCz4J...@illusion.tuells.org>
>>
>>In article <7jd96e$diu$1...@twwells.com>,
>>uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
>>> >From: ji...@illusion.tuells.org (Rainbow Colors)
>>>>Message-id: <FCu7t...@illusion.tuells.org>
>>>
>>Yes and no. Depends on who you asked *grin* Really, that is very hard
>>to answer because we didn't know the concept of co-consciousness at
>>the time so it's hard to say in hindsight if what we had was co-con or
>>not. Some of us knew of others of us. I personally could hear a few of
>>the others inside at times. Of course at the time that was 'proof'
>>that I was crazy :(
>>
>I guess what I am wondering/ asking is how can you break the walls of amnesia
>not necessarily coconsciousness...
Hmm, By getting insiders to cooperate with whomever they can cooperate
with and then pass along messages? By having a 'public' journal that
everyone can write in and check on to see what's up? By having one who
has a story to tell, tell it to a journal/t'pist/friend and then that
can be passed on? Technically I _still_ have amnesia for lots of my
childhood (even with integration) so I'm probably not the one to ask:)
>>many of the others to express things there weren't words for. My
>>t'pist used to talk about how powerful our art was (it all looked the
>>same to me, confusing:) and it used to be a great point for others to
>>start topics in t'py that needed to be dealt with.
>>
>I don't think I could do that. I was artistic when I was little but now if I
>picked
>up a pen to draw I would only doodle and it wouldn't mean anything.
I don't know where people in our society got the idea that art,
artistic and stuff that looks like external stuff is all the same and
preferable *sigh* One of the most powerful pieces of art this system
ever did was done by one of the four year olds (at the time) and is
done in pastel. It is basically a rainbow that covers the entire page.
I'm quite sure that from an 'official' pov it would be considered
'primitive' or 'abstract' or whatever and not what you seem to mean by
'artistic'. It made several people who saw it cry.
Rather than picking up a pen, if you want to 'do' art, try making a
collage from magazine pictures or finger painting or doing abstract
stuff with pastels. The point of art in this case is to find a way to
allow internal emotions to be shared externally without the use of
words. When the kid inside did that rainbow I described I was in the
hosp. and in art t'py group. She did it and then hid inside. I was
left to talk about it and what I said was 'I didn't do this and I have
no idea what it means'. The art t'pist said 'well, that's ok but when
I look at it I get some powerful emotions that seem to leap off the
page.' Being the absolute space cadet that I was that day *grin* I
just shrugged and blew it off. Later that day a staff person saw the
picture laying on my desk and asked about it. He got teary eyed as he
picked it up. I thought he was being a bit silly and told him 'I have
no idea what it means. Someone else did it'. He said 'well, who ever
did it is really telling _me_ a lot'. The next day my t'pist saw it
and said 'wow! Jamie did a great job on this!!' (I was floored cause I
didn't tell him who did it:) I asked how he knew it was her work and
he said 'well, just feel the emotion coming off this page' Ok, so
either everyone else in the universe who sees this piece of paper is
instantly psychotic *grin* or there is _something_ powerful about that
work. About two years after it was done I brought it to a group
session and showed it to people. They also thought the emotions were
'leaping' off the page when they looked at it and at least one person
got tears in her eyes.
As for me, I like it but I don't 'get' it *shrug* If I just saw that
piece of art laying around I would probably think that a creative five
year old did it. _That_ is how art works. :)
_I_ can't draw a line, much less doing anything 'artistic'. Yet there
are some inside who are _very_ good at it (and allegedly I would be
good at it if I tried now that I'm integrated, or so I'm told:). Just
giving your system permission to experiment with the idea that
whatever happens doesn't even have to be 'art' can yield some really
interesting things.
Rainbow Colors
Jeanne <jea...@piglet.asarian.org> wrote:
>On Sat, 12 Jun 1999, Rainbow Colors wrote:
>
>> snippage...
>>
>> In article <7jsj2t$71s$1...@twwells.com>,
>> uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
>> >>Date: Mon, Jun 7, 1999 16:21 EDT
>> >>Message-id: <FCz4J...@illusion.tuells.org>
>> >>
>> >>In article <7jd96e$diu$1...@twwells.com>,
>> >>uncanny <anon-...@anon.twwells.com> wrote:
>> >>> >From: ji...@illusion.tuells.org (Rainbow Colors)
>> >>>>Message-id: <FCu7t...@illusion.tuells.org>
>> >>>
>> >>Yes and no. Depends on who you asked *grin* Really, that is very hard
>> >>to answer because we didn't know the concept of co-consciousness at
>> >>the time so it's hard to say in hindsight if what we had was co-con or
>> >>not. Some of us knew of others of us. I personally could hear a few of
>> >>the others inside at times. Of course at the time that was 'proof'
>> >>that I was crazy :(
>> >>
>> >I guess what I am wondering/ asking is how can you break the walls of amnesia
>> >not necessarily coconsciousness...
>>
>> Hmm, By getting insiders to cooperate with whomever they can cooperate
>> with and then pass along messages? By having a 'public' journal that
>> everyone can write in and check on to see what's up? By having one who
>> has a story to tell, tell it to a journal/t'pist/friend and then that
>> can be passed on? Technically I _still_ have amnesia for lots of my
>> childhood (even with integration) so I'm probably not the one to ask:)
>>
>>
>
>
>hello uncanny and jill and all:
>
>interesting question, uncanny, thank you for sharing. i think jill has
>good advice, thank you jill. i am a little confused though on one area.
>how can a system be integrated and still have amnesia? i would imagine to
>be co-conscious, you really have remembered the memory, but for some
>reason it disappears really quickly, and then it is blocked and then the
>amnesia effect again. how do you keep painful memories and still keep your
>whole body healthy over a sustained period of time?
>
>jeanne
*Wildly flipping through my copy of the manual on how to be a
multiple* Hmm, I have no idea. My first guess is that I still
dissociate (which would explain the amnesia) but I am no longer
fragmented into parts (which would explain the integration).
The way I/we worked on memories is to take them out, look at them,
deal with them, have all the emotions that go with them and then sort
of get 'through' them (can't really think of a different word to use)
and then they aren't as intense or whatever any more. There are lots
of technical, professional ways to describe what we did and all that
but the bottom line is, after you deal with a memory long enough in a
safe, t'peutic setting and really beat the daylights out of it, it
sort of loses it's 'power' over you.
My basic framework in healing has always been that I am not trying to
'cure' the dissociation or multiplicity but I am trying to 'cure' the
PTSD stuff. _That_ is what was getting in my way and causing the
dissociation to be a problem. Once I got a handle on all of that the
dissociation sort of sorted itself out.