another email I won't send
confuzzled
"...a psyche repeatedly traumatized in childhood?" is accurate. I'm not
saying my childhood was problem free. I know I came from a dysfunctional
family and got bullied when I was young. "It wasn't that bad" is
something I maybe say a lot and it's hard to ignore or deny that. I can
always find examples of things that were worse.
And I don't think you're ever going to convince me that it's not crazy
to have parts. Or problematic. Or some other adjective that labels it as
not ok. And I am problem being stubborn and illogical. Or maybe not. On
asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big part of my job is to be
"normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word and I figured out a long
time ago that if I tried to fit in to normal too hard it actually just
highlighted how I wasn't. So, I can be different but I'm not allowed to
be a problem.
And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week to be
ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't really hold it
together and it's been a while since I have been able to and I think I
always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on for too long. Because
everyone has problems but when it drags on it stops being about having a
problem to being a problem and it means I can't hide it and I expect
people to get fed up or something.
And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday season.
I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that break and if
I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by the time december
hits?
<this last part may be triggery, talks about what might be ab*sive
behavior from the d*d>
and since this is already too long and I'm not going to send it, as far
as the "it's not that bad" that may be something I got from the dad. we
talked about how the mother responded to me being sick which was nuts
and inconsistent and often guilt inducing (after the fact). the dad
would sometimes press his thumb into a bruise and maybe he would say
something along the lines of that doesn't really hurt. (it gets muddled
and maybe I am making it up). the brother learned to do that too. the
dad would also do things like pull out his pocket knife and if there was
a cut on the finger he'd offer to take care of it by cutting off the
finger. but then that was a joke and everyone knew it
cometz
wrote:
> First of all, about what you said in your email. I'm not so sure that
> "...a psyche repeatedly traumatized in childhood?" is accurate. I'm not
> saying my childhood was problem free. I know I came from a dysfunctional
> family and got bullied when I was young. "It wasn't that bad" is
> something I maybe say a lot and it's hard to ignore or deny that. I can
> always find examples of things that were worse.
>
think comparing up or down is not healthy. is it worse to be in a w*r
and see your friends get injured or worse, or is it worse to be the
one injured? would you compare for someone else? would you dismiss
anyone here as not having suffered enough?
just asking.
> And I don't think you're ever going to convince me that it's not crazy
> to have parts. Or problematic. Or some other adjective that labels it as
> not ok. And I am problem being stubborn and illogical. Or maybe not. On
> asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big part of my job is to be
> "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word and I figured out a long
> time ago that if I tried to fit in to normal too hard it actually just
> highlighted how I wasn't. So, I can be different but I'm not allowed to
> be a problem.
>
i don't think it's crazy to have parts. there is a very fine logic to
parts, in my opinion. crazy would be thinking my parts were created in
alpha six and that the cia is in charge of the secret wires in my
head. tho anything is possible with the cia. being many is indeed
problematic, tho that can change, and seems to do so for many.
i'm sorry you are only allowed to be 'normal.' tho i'm not sure that
anyone who is describing themselves the way folks here do, as the
'normal' one or the one who carries good memories is exactly walking
the 'normal people' line. just saying...
sorry, that's bb coming thru. she and i seem to be doing a lot of
merging or something. i'm trying to not think about it too much.
whatever happens happens. i do understand about having to be the
normal one. that has pretty much been my role for much of the life, at
least since the kid time. things have changed a lot, but mostly i
have felt like i had to be in control but also i've been really stuck
in not wanting to give up any control. makes things very unbalanced.
> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week to be
> ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't really hold it
> together and it's been a while since I have been able to and I think I
> always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on for too long. Because
> everyone has problems but when it drags on it stops being about having a
> problem to being a problem and it means I can't hide it and I expect
> people to get fed up or something.
>
maybe also afraid others will see you have problems? i have found that
mostly ppl are reasonably understanding but i still feel a lot of
shame when they see me malfunctioning, mostly when it's in relation to
being broken vs the regular daily malfunctions everyone experiences.
except for really mean ppl i have found that ppl tend to be more
accepting when they understand what my limitations are. i don't go
into details, but do say enough to convey that i struggle quite a bit
with stability. fact is that i think so many ppl struggle that way
that it's kind of a relief for others. if you really pay attention to
other ppl you can see a lot of the little mountains they stumble over
in their life. most ppl have skinned knees.
> And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday season.
> I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that break and if
> I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by the time december
> hits?
if you're like me december will be the month that convinces you that
winter hlidays are the cruelest thing you have to endure and then
you'll remember that you still have to get thru january ~and~
february. at that point you'll want to climb into bed and sleep thru
it all. i'll send you an extra blankie.
>
> <this last part may be triggery, talks about what might be ab*sive
> behavior from the d*d>
>
> and since this is already too long and I'm not going to send it, as far
> as the "it's not that bad" that may be something I got from the dad. we
> talked about how the mother responded to me being sick which was nuts
> and inconsistent and often guilt inducing (after the fact). the dad
> would sometimes press his thumb into a bruise and maybe he would say
> something along the lines of that doesn't really hurt. (it gets muddled
> and maybe I am making it up). the brother learned to do that too. the
> dad would also do things like pull out his pocket knife and if there was
> a cut on the finger he'd offer to take care of it by cutting off the
> finger. but then that was a joke and everyone knew it
those are cruel things. they are physically cruel and mentally cruel.
if someone who has already shown no compunction about hurting you
"jokes" about cutting off your finger and pulls out a knife?!!!!
that's sick. would you ever do anything like that to anyone? a child?
your own child? do you treat your creatures in those ways? what would
you think if you saw someone do those things to a kid? consider the
reality of that behavior in regard to someone else and then maybe you
will start to understand how damaging it really was. and is. and that
is just what you remember. apparently it was distressing enough that
you have smushed the memories so you don't have to relive the shock
and pain of being hurt by someone who is supposed to take care of
you.
betsy
confuzzled
forgot to say, we were writing this to t. :P
>> First of all, about what you said in your email. I'm not so sure that
>> "...a psyche repeatedly traumatized in childhood?" is accurate. I'm not
>> saying my childhood was problem free. I know I came from a dysfunctional
>> family and got bullied when I was young. "It wasn't that bad" is
>> something I maybe say a lot and it's hard to ignore or deny that. I can
>> always find examples of things that were worse.
>>
>
> think comparing up or down is not healthy. is it worse to be in a w*r
> and see your friends get injured or worse, or is it worse to be the
> one injured? would you compare for someone else? would you dismiss
> anyone here as not having suffered enough?
> just asking.
>
think sometimes we less tangled about this but right now we back to
"it's not that bad". don't compare for others but... dunno. really
muddled tonight
>> And I don't think you're ever going to convince me that it's not crazy
>> to have parts. Or problematic. Or some other adjective that labels it as
>> not ok. And I am problem being stubborn and illogical. Or maybe not. On
>> asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big part of my job is to be
>> "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word and I figured out a long
>> time ago that if I tried to fit in to normal too hard it actually just
>> highlighted how I wasn't. So, I can be different but I'm not allowed to
>> be a problem.
>>
>
> i don't think it's crazy to have parts. there is a very fine logic to
> parts, in my opinion. crazy would be thinking my parts were created in
> alpha six and that the cia is in charge of the secret wires in my
> head. tho anything is possible with the cia. being many is indeed
> problematic, tho that can change, and seems to do so for many.
>
heh! we not too worried about the cia and never been to alpha six :P
> i'm sorry you are only allowed to be 'normal.' tho i'm not sure that
> anyone who is describing themselves the way folks here do, as the
> 'normal' one or the one who carries good memories is exactly walking
> the 'normal people' line. just saying...
but... is the problem. is bad enough we not being normal here. we need
to stop it. we need to get it back under control.
> sorry, that's bb coming thru. she and i seem to be doing a lot of
> merging or something. i'm trying to not think about it too much.
k
(big changes)
> whatever happens happens. i do understand about having to be the
> normal one. that has pretty much been my role for much of the life, at
> least since the kid time. things have changed a lot, but mostly i
> have felt like i had to be in control but also i've been really stuck
> in not wanting to give up any control. makes things very unbalanced.
>
<sigh>
so maybe... so maybe that's the only way I can do this. is back to what
astri said about closing eyes and saying "no no" while going forward.
maybe I have to carry on about being normal and argue and have all my
"buts.." but at the same time am actually talking to t about parts.
<sigh>
really don't know if I making sense tonight
>> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week to be
>> ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't really hold it
>> together and it's been a while since I have been able to and I think I
>> always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on for too long. Because
>> everyone has problems but when it drags on it stops being about having a
>> problem to being a problem and it means I can't hide it and I expect
>> people to get fed up or something.
>>
>
> maybe also afraid others will see you have problems? i have found that
> mostly ppl are reasonably understanding but i still feel a lot of
> shame when they see me malfunctioning, mostly when it's in relation to
> being broken vs the regular daily malfunctions everyone experiences.
yes!
> except for really mean ppl i have found that ppl tend to be more
> accepting when they understand what my limitations are. i don't go
> into details, but do say enough to convey that i struggle quite a bit
> with stability. fact is that i think so many ppl struggle that way
> that it's kind of a relief for others. if you really pay attention to
> other ppl you can see a lot of the little mountains they stumble over
> in their life. most ppl have skinned knees.
>
<sigh>
just don't know.
>> And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday season.
>> I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that break and if
>> I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by the time december
>> hits?
>
> if you're like me december will be the month that convinces you that
> winter hlidays are the cruelest thing you have to endure and then
> you'll remember that you still have to get thru january ~and~
> february. at that point you'll want to climb into bed and sleep thru
> it all. i'll send you an extra blankie.
>
hate it. hate it hate it hate it. last year big goofy friend said
something about maybe we could try to not hate it. could try to find
bits we like. understand what he was saying but just can't. we told him
maybe we have to be allowed to hate it first before we can move on or
whatever. except we never seem to move on. and with the br*ther hurt and
not going to see n... <sigh>
>> <this last part may be triggery, talks about what might be ab*sive
>> behavior from the d*d>
>>
>> and since this is already too long and I'm not going to send it, as far
>> as the "it's not that bad" that may be something I got from the dad. we
>> talked about how the mother responded to me being sick which was nuts
>> and inconsistent and often guilt inducing (after the fact). the dad
>> would sometimes press his thumb into a bruise and maybe he would say
>> something along the lines of that doesn't really hurt. (it gets muddled
>> and maybe I am making it up). the brother learned to do that too. the
>> dad would also do things like pull out his pocket knife and if there was
>> a cut on the finger he'd offer to take care of it by cutting off the
>> finger. but then that was a joke and everyone knew it
>
> those are cruel things. they are physically cruel and mentally cruel.
> if someone who has already shown no compunction about hurting you
> "jokes" about cutting off your finger and pulls out a knife?!!!!
but we were supposed to know it was a joke. everyone knew it was a joke.
he said so
> that's sick. would you ever do anything like that to anyone? a child?
> your own child? do you treat your creatures in those ways? what would
> you think if you saw someone do those things to a kid? consider the
> reality of that behavior in regard to someone else and then maybe you
> will start to understand how damaging it really was. and is. and that
> is just what you remember. apparently it was distressing enough that
> you have smushed the memories so you don't have to relive the shock
> and pain of being hurt by someone who is supposed to take care of
> you.
>
<sigh>
astri
> First of all, about what you said in your email. I'm not so sure that
> "...a psyche repeatedly traumatized in childhood?" is accurate. I'm
> not saying my childhood was problem free. I know I came from a
> dysfunctional family and got bullied when I was young. "It wasn't
> that bad" is something I maybe say a lot and it's hard to ignore or
> deny that. I can always find examples of things that were worse.
so can i
also wonder about what shay and ester say.
> And I don't think you're ever going to convince me that it's not
> crazy to have parts. Or problematic. Or some other adjective that
> labels it as not ok. And I am problem being stubborn and illogical.
well, it's certainly problematic for existing in the wider world.
that's true.
> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to normal
> too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I can be
> different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
normal means not being noticed?
successful hiding?
and there are differences between being a problem and having a problem.
think you usually conflate those.
> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week to
> be ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't really
> hold it together and it's been a while since I have been able to and
> I think I always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on for too long.
> Because everyone has problems but when it drags on it stops being
> about having a problem to being a problem and it means I can't hide
> it and I expect people to get fed up or something.
so being a problem means you have a problem you can't hide?
> And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday
> season. I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that
> break and if I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by
> the time december hits?
ugh
so if you don't go to n's then do you have to go with fambly?
> <this last part may be triggery, talks about what might be ab*sive
> behavior from the d*d>
>
> and since this is already too long and I'm not going to send it, as
> far as the "it's not that bad" that may be something I got from the
> dad. we talked about how the mother responded to me being sick which
> was nuts and inconsistent and often guilt inducing (after the fact).
> the dad would sometimes press his thumb into a bruise and maybe he
> would say something along the lines of that doesn't really hurt. (it
> gets muddled and maybe I am making it up). the brother learned to do
> that too. the dad would also do things like pull out his pocket knife
> and if there was a cut on the finger he'd offer to take care of it by
> cutting off the finger. but then that was a joke and everyone knew it
jokes with you as the butt told once might be somewhat uncomfortable
and embarrassing, but still dismissed as a joke. such jokes told
repeatedly take on a different and more sinister meaning.
we know. we had to deal with such repeated ad nauseum jokes. makes them
extremely hard to resist or refute, especially for children. and even
if you know the literal "threat" in the "joke" isn't going to happen,
there's an underlying meaning that gets ground in.
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
astri
> but... is the problem. is bad enough we not being normal here. we
> need to stop it. we need to get it back under control.
when it got to that point for us, the only way to get it back under
control was to stop fighting what we couldn't change about us and learn
to work with it.
> so maybe... so maybe that's the only way I can do this. is back to
> what astri said about closing eyes and saying "no no" while going
> forward. maybe I have to carry on about being normal and argue and
> have all my "buts.." but at the same time am actually talking to t
> about parts.
is what we had to do
> <sigh>
> really don't know if I making sense tonight
think you are
<holiday season>
> hate it. hate it hate it hate it. last year big goofy friend said
> something about maybe we could try to not hate it. could try to find
> bits we like. understand what he was saying but just can't. we told
> him maybe we have to be allowed to hate it first before we can move
> on or whatever. except we never seem to move on. and with the br*ther
> hurt and not going to see n... <sigh>
gonna be hard
what do you anticipate having to do?
any way you could volunteer to help feed homeless or something so you
don't have to go to any celebrations?
> but we were supposed to know it was a joke. everyone knew it was a
> joke. he said so
:P
what he said and what he did contradicted
confuzzled
> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>
>> First of all, about what you said in your email. I'm not so sure that
>> "...a psyche repeatedly traumatized in childhood?" is accurate. I'm
>> not saying my childhood was problem free. I know I came from a
>> dysfunctional family and got bullied when I was young. "It wasn't
>> that bad" is something I maybe say a lot and it's hard to ignore or
>> deny that. I can always find examples of things that were worse.
>
> so can i
>
> also wonder about what shay and ester say.
>
>> And I don't think you're ever going to convince me that it's not
>> crazy to have parts. Or problematic. Or some other adjective that
>> labels it as not ok. And I am problem being stubborn and illogical.
>
> well, it's certainly problematic for existing in the wider world.
> that's true.
k
>
>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to normal
>> too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I can be
>> different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>
> normal means not being noticed?
> successful hiding?
yes
>
> and there are differences between being a problem and having a problem.
> think you usually conflate those.
>
:/
>> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week to
>> be ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't really
>> hold it together and it's been a while since I have been able to and
>> I think I always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on for too long.
>> Because everyone has problems but when it drags on it stops being
>> about having a problem to being a problem and it means I can't hide
>> it and I expect people to get fed up or something.
>
> so being a problem means you have a problem you can't hide?
>
because if u cant hide it, it impacts other people
>> And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday
>> season. I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that
>> break and if I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by
>> the time december hits?
>
> ugh
>
> so if you don't go to n's then do you have to go with fambly?
>
we havent told them we not going to n's. havent figured out what we
going to do
>> <this last part may be triggery, talks about what might be ab*sive
>> behavior from the d*d>
>>
>> and since this is already too long and I'm not going to send it, as
>> far as the "it's not that bad" that may be something I got from the
>> dad. we talked about how the mother responded to me being sick which
>> was nuts and inconsistent and often guilt inducing (after the fact).
>> the dad would sometimes press his thumb into a bruise and maybe he
>> would say something along the lines of that doesn't really hurt. (it
>> gets muddled and maybe I am making it up). the brother learned to do
>> that too. the dad would also do things like pull out his pocket knife
>> and if there was a cut on the finger he'd offer to take care of it by
>> cutting off the finger. but then that was a joke and everyone knew it
>
> jokes with you as the butt told once might be somewhat uncomfortable
> and embarrassing, but still dismissed as a joke. such jokes told
> repeatedly take on a different and more sinister meaning.
>
> we know. we had to deal with such repeated ad nauseum jokes. makes them
> extremely hard to resist or refute, especially for children. and even
> if you know the literal "threat" in the "joke" isn't going to happen,
> there's an underlying meaning that gets ground in.
>
oh
confuzzled
> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>
>> but... is the problem. is bad enough we not being normal here. we
>> need to stop it. we need to get it back under control.
>
> when it got to that point for us, the only way to get it back under
> control was to stop fighting what we couldn't change about us and learn
> to work with it.
>
>> so maybe... so maybe that's the only way I can do this. is back to
>> what astri said about closing eyes and saying "no no" while going
>> forward. maybe I have to carry on about being normal and argue and
>> have all my "buts.." but at the same time am actually talking to t
>> about parts.
>
> is what we had to do
>
wish there was another way
>> <sigh>
>> really don't know if I making sense tonight
>
> think you are
>
> <holiday season>
>> hate it. hate it hate it hate it. last year big goofy friend said
>> something about maybe we could try to not hate it. could try to find
>> bits we like. understand what he was saying but just can't. we told
>> him maybe we have to be allowed to hate it first before we can move
>> on or whatever. except we never seem to move on. and with the br*ther
>> hurt and not going to see n... <sigh>
>
> gonna be hard
> what do you anticipate having to do?
dunno. havent really allowed ourselves to think about it
>
> any way you could volunteer to help feed homeless or something so you
> don't have to go to any celebrations?
hmm... that might be nice
>
>> but we were supposed to know it was a joke. everyone knew it was a
>> joke. he said so
>
> :P
>
> what he said and what he did contradicted
>
wish things made sense
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>
>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>
>> normal means not being noticed?
>> successful hiding?
>
> yes
so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>> and there are differences between being a problem and having a
>> problem. think you usually conflate those.
>>
> :/
mhm
>>> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week
>>> to be ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't
>>> really hold it together and it's been a while since I have been
>>> able to and I think I always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on
>>> for too long. Because everyone has problems but when it drags on it
>>> stops being about having a problem to being a problem and it means
>>> I can't hide it and I expect people to get fed up or something.
>>
>> so being a problem means you have a problem you can't hide?
>>
> because if u cant hide it, it impacts other people
primates are social animals. whatever we do impacts other people, for
the most part. communities are there for *mutual* interdependence.
>>> And besides that, we are moving into the stupid, idiotic holiday
>>> season. I'm not going to N's for thanksgiving so I don't get that
>>> break and if I'm already not ok then what am I going to be like by
>>> the time december hits?
>>
>> ugh
>>
>> so if you don't go to n's then do you have to go with fambly?
>>
> we havent told them we not going to n's. havent figured out what we
> going to do
k
>> jokes with you as the butt told once might be somewhat uncomfortable
>> and embarrassing, but still dismissed as a joke. such jokes told
>> repeatedly take on a different and more sinister meaning.
>>
>> we know. we had to deal with such repeated ad nauseum jokes. makes
>> them extremely hard to resist or refute, especially for children.
>> and even if you know the literal "threat" in the "joke" isn't going
>> to happen, there's an underlying meaning that gets ground in.
>>
> oh
yeah :(
astri
>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>
>>> so maybe... so maybe that's the only way I can do this. is back to
>>> what astri said about closing eyes and saying "no no" while going
>>> forward. maybe I have to carry on about being normal and argue and
>>> have all my "buts.." but at the same time am actually talking to t
>>> about parts.
>>
>> is what we had to do
>>
> wish there was another way
yeah
>> <holiday season>
>>
>> gonna be hard
>> what do you anticipate having to do?
>
> dunno. havent really allowed ourselves to think about it
>>
>> any way you could volunteer to help feed homeless or something so you
>> don't have to go to any celebrations?
>
> hmm... that might be nice
k
an idea
>>> but we were supposed to know it was a joke. everyone knew it was a
>>> joke. he said so
>>
>> :P
>>
>> what he said and what he did contradicted
>>
> wish things made sense
yeah
wolfie of confuzzled
> On Sat, 7 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>
>>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>>
>>> normal means not being noticed?
>>> successful hiding?
>>
>> yes
>
> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>
sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
>>> and there are differences between being a problem and having a
>>> problem. think you usually conflate those.
>>>
>> :/
>
> mhm
seems like it's easy to move from one to the other though
>
>>>> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week
>>>> to be ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't
>>>> really hold it together and it's been a while since I have been
>>>> able to and I think I always get panicked when the "not ok" goes on
>>>> for too long. Because everyone has problems but when it drags on it
>>>> stops being about having a problem to being a problem and it means
>>>> I can't hide it and I expect people to get fed up or something.
>>>
>>> so being a problem means you have a problem you can't hide?
>>>
>> because if u cant hide it, it impacts other people
>
> primates are social animals. whatever we do impacts other people, for
> the most part. communities are there for *mutual* interdependence.
>
fair enough. but... <sigh> same old circles. want to make sure we give
more then take
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Sat, 7 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>>>
>>>> normal means not being noticed?
>>>> successful hiding?
>>>
>>> yes
>>
>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>
> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes out
> sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
what about you needs to be hidden?
>>>> and there are differences between being a problem and having a
>>>> problem. think you usually conflate those.
>>>>
>>> :/
>>
>> mhm
>
> seems like it's easy to move from one to the other though
dunno
>>>>> And maybe that explains something. I was trying so hard last week
>>>>> to be ok. I actually maybe was a for a few days but I couldn't
>>>>> really hold it together and it's been a while since I have been
>>>>> able to and I think I always get panicked when the "not ok" goes
>>>>> on for too long. Because everyone has problems but when it drags
>>>>> on it stops being about having a problem to being a problem and
>>>>> it means I can't hide it and I expect people to get fed up or
>>>>> something.
>>>>
>>>> so being a problem means you have a problem you can't hide?
>>>>
>>> because if u cant hide it, it impacts other people
>>
>> primates are social animals. whatever we do impacts other people,
>> for the most part. communities are there for *mutual*
>> interdependence.
>>
> fair enough. but... <sigh> same old circles. want to make sure we
> give more then take
but then there is no balance
Sonata
interesting. our d*d jokes like the last too sometimes. stub toe, say
ow, he offers to amputate :P
Sonata
joke doesn't mean it was nice. there are very cruel jokes.
Sonata
> astri wrote:
>> On Sat, 7 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>>>
>>>> normal means not being noticed?
>>>> successful hiding?
>>>
>>> yes
>>
>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>
> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes out
> sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
.....HERMAN counts as normal?
confuzzled
maybe is just a guy thing? not a big deal?
wolfie of confuzzled
> wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Sat, 7 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>>>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>>>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>>>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>>>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>>>>
>>>>> normal means not being noticed?
>>>>> successful hiding?
>>>>
>>>> yes
>>>
>>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>>
>> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes out
>> sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
>
> .....HERMAN counts as normal?
<giggles>
no!!!!!!!!!!
that's not what I was saying. it's ok that herman isn't normal. herman
is entertainment. herman is really visible but that means we can be
invisible
wolfie of confuzzled
> On Sun, 8 Nov 2009, wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Sat, 7 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>> On Fri, 6 Nov 2009, confuzzled wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Or maybe not. On asd they talk about jobs and it seems like a big
>>>>>> part of my job is to be "normal". And yes, normal is a tricky word
>>>>>> and I figured out a long time ago that if I tried to fit in to
>>>>>> normal too hard it actually just highlighted how I wasn't. So, I
>>>>>> can be different but I'm not allowed to be a problem.
>>>>>
>>>>> normal means not being noticed?
>>>>> successful hiding?
>>>>
>>>> yes
>>>
>>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>>
>> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes out
>> sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
>
> what about you needs to be hidden?
I don't know. RC works and she gets seen but it's all about getting the
job done and helping people and stuff like that. that's ok.
herman is.. well.. herman. he entertains. he makes people laugh and he's
the clown and that's ok (up to a point)
but none of that is me. none of that is personal. none of that has to do
with feelings and needs and things like that.
Sonata
The pulling out the pocketknife bit is a bit creepy.
astri
understand the idea
diversions from the self
do it a lot
been told those ok to show parts are self too
wolfie of confuzzled
> On Fri, 13 Nov 2009, wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>> astri wrote:
>>> On Sun, 8 Nov 2009, wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>>>>
>>>> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes
>>>> out sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
>>>
>>> what about you needs to be hidden?
>>
>> I don't know. RC works and she gets seen but it's all about getting
>> the job done and helping people and stuff like that. that's ok.
>>
>> herman is.. well.. herman. he entertains. he makes people laugh and
>> he's the clown and that's ok (up to a point)
>>
>> but none of that is me. none of that is personal. none of that has to
>> do with feelings and needs and things like that.
>
> understand the idea
> diversions from the self
> do it a lot
> been told those ok to show parts are self too
>
<sigh>
which makes the whole idea of me saying I'm not many seem ridiculous. Or
it makes me understand when people say *I'm* not many. those whole thing
is nuts
and maybe... well... I guess the plan is to let oscar talk to T on
wednesday.
I'm not sure I can though. I agreed but I think the instinct to cover up
will take over.
and what if it's all really fake? I know I'm not making any sense but
what if it comes time for oscar to be there but it's really just an ugly
made up side to me. :/ I don't even know what I'm trying to say./
Shiyiya
understand the insecurity of but what if it's all just made up. regrets
you have it too.
wolfie of confuzzled
regrets you have it too
how's the flu? heh, now that's a weird question. umm... perhaps the
better way to say that is how are you feeling?
Shiyiya
heh. okay right now. fever's been lower, so seem to be getting better
some. had a horrible sore throat when I woke up though, urgh. and it
seems to be giving me really really weird dreams.
Dreams:
http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6194.html
http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6434.html
maybe trigger warning on the first because someone d*ed.
astri
> astri wrote:
>> On Fri, 13 Nov 2009, wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>>> astri wrote:
>>>> On Sun, 8 Nov 2009, wolfie of confuzzled wrote:
>>>>> astri wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> so you don't really mean normal. you mean invisible.
>>>>>>
>>>>> maybe it means *me* hiding. RC doesn't need to hide. herman comes
>>>>> out sometimes, and as long as he's not too over the top that's ok
>>>>
>>>> what about you needs to be hidden?
>>>
>>> I don't know. RC works and she gets seen but it's all about getting
>>> the job done and helping people and stuff like that. that's ok.
>>>
>>> herman is.. well.. herman. he entertains. he makes people laugh and
>>> he's the clown and that's ok (up to a point)
>>>
>>> but none of that is me. none of that is personal. none of that has
>>> to do with feelings and needs and things like that.
>>
>> understand the idea
>> diversions from the self
>> do it a lot
>> been told those ok to show parts are self too
>>
> maybe they are self but they aren't me :P
>
> <sigh>
hmmmm
> which makes the whole idea of me saying I'm not many seem ridiculous.
> Or it makes me understand when people say *I'm* not many. those whole
> thing is nuts
mhm
> and maybe... well... I guess the plan is to let oscar talk to T on
> wednesday.
>
> I'm not sure I can though. I agreed but I think the instinct to cover
> up will take over.
just have to wait and see
> and what if it's all really fake? I know I'm not making any sense but
> what if it comes time for oscar to be there but it's really just an
> ugly made up side to me. :/ I don't even know what I'm trying to
> say./
well, if is fake, then you can deal with that and move on
if isn't fake, you can deal with *that* and move on
confuzzled
how long you been sick now?
>
> Dreams:
> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6194.html
> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6434.html
>
> maybe trigger warning on the first because someone d*ed.
coiuldn't completely follow the dreams cuz we not thinking good but they
are way weird. seem really detailed too
2nd one is like story
Shiyiya
Um. Was monday when went to the dctr.
>>
>> Dreams:
>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6194.html
>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6434.html
>>
>> maybe trigger warning on the first because someone d*ed.
>
> coiuldn't completely follow the dreams cuz we not thinking good but they
> are way weird. seem really detailed too
>
> 2nd one is like story
Yeah. Woke up from that one and was like "I just dreamed a fantasy
novel!" And is understandable hard to follow, are written down hurriedly
when first woken up and all smushed into one chunk.
confuzzled
k. must feel like you been sick a long time
>>>
>>> Dreams:
>>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6194.html
>>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6434.html
>>>
>>> maybe trigger warning on the first because someone d*ed.
>>
>> coiuldn't completely follow the dreams cuz we not thinking good but
>> they are way weird. seem really detailed too
>>
>> 2nd one is like story
>
> Yeah. Woke up from that one and was like "I just dreamed a fantasy
> novel!" And is understandable hard to follow, are written down hurriedly
> when first woken up and all smushed into one chunk.
heh. well, would be neat if you did turn the second one into a story
you ever read charles de lint. made me think of him. lots of stuff in
his books about dreams ... tried to say more but am just too garbled up.
sorry for rambling
Shiyiya
yeah.
>
>>>>
>>>> Dreams:
>>>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6194.html
>>>> http://shiyiya.livejournal.com/6434.html
>>>>
>>>> maybe trigger warning on the first because someone d*ed.
>>>
>>> coiuldn't completely follow the dreams cuz we not thinking good but
>>> they are way weird. seem really detailed too
>>>
>>> 2nd one is like story
>>
>> Yeah. Woke up from that one and was like "I just dreamed a fantasy
>> novel!" And is understandable hard to follow, are written down
>> hurriedly when first woken up and all smushed into one chunk.
>
> heh. well, would be neat if you did turn the second one into a story
just started to. and realised the characters don't ahve names. trying to
figure out names for the fair girl and the dark girl who are now twins
and princesses :P
>
> you ever read charles de lint. made me think of him. lots of stuff in
> his books about dreams ... tried to say more but am just too garbled up.
> sorry for rambling
um. might have. not sure. ramble is k.