hard times
EB
nothing we would act on. no. think we're safe.
confused lots. spose to go to self defense thing with J. tonight.
called her and talked about stuff being broken. we were talking about
how something sticky suddenly bein in dvd player seems like alter
maybe i don't know. that scares me that maybe stuff happens with zero
knowledge from me.
so confused.
she came over and tried fixing player. pretty broken but there's this
other one that works. but one that works isn't connected to good
speakers so i can either hear a dvd while watching and be hot or not
hear the dvd and have the fan running. :P
J. was here and kept switching and we were gonna go to grocery store
but i little and couldn't really move. asked J. if we gave her money
could she get us some groceries? she said sure and some alters and her
made a list. she just went to go to the store.
i should be more functional. but i'm not.
can't move much or do or think. scared. confused.
EB
J. called from grocery store to ask a question about something. at
first i didn't register the phone ringing. then i got it and picked
up. and it sounded like michaela or even a little of capital m
Michaela. yeah so that's good. maybe will be able to go to class with
her.
no don't think so.
want to go.
can't.
argh.
EB
i decide in a rush of positive energy to go to the class. i picture
myself on the buses with J. and at the class. and i can do it in my
mind. i go to find socks to put on. i find a pair. then i sit down on
the bed. and i try to reach down to grab the socks, lift my foot, put
them on, such simple simple actions. and i cannot. i cannot find the
energy or wherewithal to lift my leg the way i need to or to bend down
the way i need to in order to reach the sock or my foot.
these are some very basic struggles i'm having.
astri
you'll be ok
change is hard
this will start to feel like home sooon
that will be better
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
astri
> J. called from grocery store to ask a question about something. at
> first i didn't register the phone ringing. then i got it and picked
> up. and it sounded like michaela or even a little of capital m
> Michaela. yeah so that's good. maybe will be able to go to class with
> her.
> no don't think so.
> want to go.
> can't.
> argh.
oh well
guess you just weren't the right one to go
astri
> i decide in a rush of positive energy to go to the class. i picture
> myself on the buses with J. and at the class. and i can do it in my
> mind. i go to find socks to put on. i find a pair. then i sit down on
> the bed. and i try to reach down to grab the socks, lift my foot, put
> them on, such simple simple actions. and i cannot. i cannot find the
> energy or wherewithal to lift my leg the way i need to or to bend
> down the way i need to in order to reach the sock or my foot. these
> are some very basic struggles i'm having.
sounds like it might be a good idea to be talking to each other rather
than just interfering with each other.
Emerging Butterfly
okay. having furniture and a cooling system like ac or swamp cooler
and having cable will all help. it all just takes time.
Emerging Butterfly
sounds like interference to you? felt to us like just exhausted and
"symptomatic" with the did stuff.
astri
> On Jul 8, 11:00 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>> you'll be ok
>> change is hard
>> this will start to feel like home sooon
>> that will be better
>
> and having cable will all help. it all just takes time.
yes. it will happen. it just takes some time. the good thing about not
having to move in and just live with what's there is that it will be
*yours*.
astri
> On Jul 8, 11:05 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Wed, 8 Jul 2009, EB wrote:
>>> i decide in a rush of positive energy to go to the class. i picture
>>> myself on the buses with J. and at the class. and i can do it in my
>>> mind. i go to find socks to put on. i find a pair. then i sit down
>>> on the bed. and i try to reach down to grab the socks, lift my
>>> foot, put them on, such simple simple actions. and i cannot. i
>>> cannot find the energy or wherewithal to lift my leg the way i need
>>> to or to bend down the way i need to in order to reach the sock or
>>> my foot. these are some very basic struggles i'm having.
>>
>> sounds like it might be a good idea to be talking to each other
>> rather than just interfering with each other.
>
> "symptomatic" with the did stuff.
gut says interference
could be wrong
but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
Emerging Butterfly
do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
we're co-aware?
astri
> On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>> gut says interference
>> could be wrong
>> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>
> we're co-aware?
dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
Emerging Butterfly
> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
> >> gut says interference
> >> could be wrong
> >> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>
> > do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
> > we're co-aware?
>
> dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
okay.
>
> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
ouch. okay.
Emerging Butterfly
> > On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
> >> gut says interference
> >> could be wrong
> >> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>
> > do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
> > we're co-aware?
>
> dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
>
> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
um, what does that mean, and why do you think that?
astri
> On Jul 9, 12:39 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>>>> gut says interference
>>>> could be wrong
>>>> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>>
>>> do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
>>> we're co-aware?
>>
>> dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
>>
>> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
>
> um, what does that mean, and why do you think that?
means think that there are times you lose time and aren't aware of the
losing time. think that there are folks you aren't communicating with
and maybe don't know.
think that because of things that go missing and stuff that
mysteriously breaks and gets fixed and soda cans found on the floor and
having plans but suddenly being unable to follow through on them and
posts that you didn't know you posted.
EB
> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > On Jul 9, 12:39 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
> >> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> >>> On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
> >>>> gut says interference
> >>>> could be wrong
> >>>> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>
> >>> do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
> >>> we're co-aware?
>
> >> dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
>
> >> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
>
> > um, what does that mean, and why do you think that?
>
> means think that there are times you lose time and aren't aware of the
> losing time. think that there are folks you aren't communicating with
> and maybe don't know.
i find "are you losing time" in a diagnostic type of appt. such a
strange question, because multiples I know and mysel -- well, we've
learned very well to just gloss over that or not have a good awareness
of time. it feels kinda like asking, "Do you have a bad memory?" It's
hard to know if you do because it interferes with you knowing.
>
> think that because of things that go missing and stuff that
> mysteriously breaks and gets fixed and soda cans found on the floor and
> having plans but suddenly being unable to follow through on them and
> posts that you didn't know you posted.
I don't like this one bit, but it makes some sense. :(\
now i'm remembering that with dysfunctional therapist, we came to know
there was this one system inside that came out different times of year
but wouldn't talk to us or her. but at least we both knew the system
existed -- actually, come to think of it, a couple did talk to her.
i think we started to do really good work with her and then things
shattered because of something she did.
and now we're more split again.
astri
> On Jul 9, 7:55 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Jul 9, 12:39 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>
>>>> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
>>
>>> um, what does that mean, and why do you think that?
>>
>> means think that there are times you lose time and aren't aware of
>> the losing time. think that there are folks you aren't communicating
>> with and maybe don't know.
>
> i find "are you losing time" in a diagnostic type of appt. such a
> strange question, because multiples I know and mysel -- well, we've
> learned very well to just gloss over that or not have a good
> awareness of time. it feels kinda like asking, "Do you have a bad
> memory?" It's hard to know if you do because it interferes with you
> knowing.
well, yeah
>> think that because of things that go missing and stuff that
>> mysteriously breaks and gets fixed and soda cans found on the floor
>> and having plans but suddenly being unable to follow through on them
>> and posts that you didn't know you posted.
>
> I don't like this one bit, but it makes some sense. :(\
isnt likeable
> now i'm remembering that with dysfunctional therapist, we came to
> know there was this one system inside that came out different times
> of year but wouldn't talk to us or her. but at least we both knew the
> system existed -- actually, come to think of it, a couple did talk to
> her. i think we started to do really good work with her and then
> things shattered because of something she did. and now we're more
> split again.
sigh
fuzzy
yes, but is ok to talk about difficulty in transition.
EB
what did she do? and why?
and i was just skimming even recent posts i've made and i don't
remember some of em. :(
fuzzy
> On Jul 9, 12:39 pm, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>> On Thu, 9 Jul 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
>>> On Jul 9, 12:56 am, astri <as...@invalid.invalid> wrote:
>>>> gut says interference
>>>> could be wrong
>>>> but wouldn't hurt to communicate more
>>> do you have any feeling about J's suspicions of Steven or of whether
>>> we're co-aware?
>> dunno about suspicions of steven. no feeling either way.
>
> okay.
>
>> think you're way less co-aware than you believe.
>
> ouch. okay.
>
this
EB
ugh. okay. and we think you're pretty wise.