maybe what we're realizing...
Emerging Butterfly
incorrect in our perceptions at times.
maybe it is a hard thing to realize but also very liberating.
m*m always had to be right. she taught me that i was always right too,
or that i was terrible.
what i'm seeing is that maybe at times i'm a bit too black-and-white
about things.
maybe what i'm realizing is that it's okay to be wrong, okay to expose
what m scott peck calls my "life map" to others and to be open to
revisions on it.
it doesn't mean that i'm bad.
it means that i, just like everyone else...well, i have some blind
spots. and the more i can expose my sense of reality without shame and
with openness that i can be wrong and that doesn't equal that i'm
terrible or have no sense of reality in me.
perhaps one of the biggest things that makes someone have a core sense
of sanity is the ability to look at things and to not always assume
one is right about everything off the bat.
i think i am ready to give up some of my defensiveness (that
defensiveness a gift given by two perhaps well-meaning p*rents) --
and really look things over.
the biggest thing here will be having balance and not letting the
shame override me. so i may need reality checks when i'm challenged
that a challenge doesn't equal i'm all wrong or all bad.
example -- J and i went to a couple places running errands a week or
two ago.
both errands, i got extremely irate with people who were supposed to
be helping me and came off cold and rude to me.
J. agreed completely that both the folks i got upset with were
thoroughly obnoxious and unhelpful, but she was able to see that it
really wasn't anything personally against me.
she also noted that in both instances where i was treated rudely and
with minimizing disrespect, i had done something that caused it to
happen more strongly than it might have -- what i did in both
situations where i needed help was utterly minimized and hid how much
pain i was in, so both "helpers" wondered if i was perhaps lying about
my needs since i presented as "fine"
it felt good, actually, when J and i were walking out of the h*spital
(well, i was sorta stalking out in a rage), and she reminded me that
maybe we should do the paperwork to be released first and thank the
person who *had* been nice to us.
in my rage at not being helped, i had just about assumed the whole
h*spital was terrible, and J reminded me to be reasonable and i was
able to and i was able to shift my mindset significantly from one of
feeling victimized and walked on to one of realizing that one person
was obnoxious, but that didn't mean that everything was horrible.
at first i felt defensive and then i relaxed and was grateful for J's
little "attitude adjustment" she'd done with me so delicately.
at no time did she deny that the person who didn't help was a jerk,
but she did help me to put it into perspective.
was kinda a similar scenario on asd with the munty guy.
i think i'm ready to move forward and work on being less black-and-
white. i think at first i thought this meant i had to drop my feelings
and acknowledge that i'm just crazy. now i see it's not that at all.
and it's pretty darn liberating. :)
astri
> maybe what we're realizing, a bit painfully, is that we can be very
> incorrect in our perceptions at times.
> maybe it is a hard thing to realize but also very liberating.
> m*m always had to be right. she taught me that i was always right too,
> or that i was terrible.
definitely a trap
> what i'm seeing is that maybe at times i'm a bit too black-and-white
> about things.
> maybe what i'm realizing is that it's okay to be wrong, okay to expose
> what m scott peck calls my "life map" to others and to be open to
> revisions on it.
>
> it doesn't mean that i'm bad.
> it means that i, just like everyone else...well, i have some blind
> spots. and the more i can expose my sense of reality without shame and
> with openness that i can be wrong and that doesn't equal that i'm
> terrible or have no sense of reality in me.
true
> perhaps one of the biggest things that makes someone have a core sense
> of sanity is the ability to look at things and to not always assume
> one is right about everything off the bat.
very much
> i think i am ready to give up some of my defensiveness (that
> defensiveness a gift given by two perhaps well-meaning p*rents) --
> and really look things over.
> the biggest thing here will be having balance and not letting the
> shame override me. so i may need reality checks when i'm challenged
> that a challenge doesn't equal i'm all wrong or all bad.
ok
> example -- J and i went to a couple places running errands a week or
> two ago.
> both errands, i got extremely irate with people who were supposed to
> be helping me and came off cold and rude to me.
> J. agreed completely that both the folks i got upset with were
> thoroughly obnoxious and unhelpful, but she was able to see that it
> really wasn't anything personally against me.
>
> she also noted that in both instances where i was treated rudely and
> with minimizing disrespect, i had done something that caused it to
> happen more strongly than it might have -- what i did in both
> situations where i needed help was utterly minimized and hid how much
> pain i was in, so both "helpers" wondered if i was perhaps lying about
> my needs since i presented as "fine"
seems you do tend to do that
> it felt good, actually, when J and i were walking out of the h*spital
> (well, i was sorta stalking out in a rage), and she reminded me that
> maybe we should do the paperwork to be released first and thank the
> person who *had* been nice to us.
>
> in my rage at not being helped, i had just about assumed the whole
> h*spital was terrible, and J reminded me to be reasonable and i was
> able to and i was able to shift my mindset significantly from one of
> feeling victimized and walked on to one of realizing that one person
> was obnoxious, but that didn't mean that everything was horrible.
>
> at first i felt defensive and then i relaxed and was grateful for J's
> little "attitude adjustment" she'd done with me so delicately.
>
> at no time did she deny that the person who didn't help was a jerk,
> but she did help me to put it into perspective.
>
> was kinda a similar scenario on asd with the munty guy.
>
> i think i'm ready to move forward and work on being less black-and-
> white. i think at first i thought this meant i had to drop my feelings
> and acknowledge that i'm just crazy. now i see it's not that at all.
> and it's pretty darn liberating. :)
ok
(and expect the b/w to slip back, too)
(need to continuously confront that)
-- astri
======================
to email send to astri
======================
at volcano dot org
======================
Sonata
Sounds like awesome realizations :) Good luck!
Emerging Butterfly
> On Wed, 11 Nov 2009, Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > maybe what we're realizing, a bit painfully, is that we can be very
> > incorrect in our perceptions at times.
> > maybe it is a hard thing to realize but also very liberating.
> > m*m always had to be right. she taught me that i was always right too,
> > or that i was terrible.
>
> definitely a trap
yes
>
> > what i'm seeing is that maybe at times i'm a bit too black-and-white
> > about things.
> > maybe what i'm realizing is that it's okay to be wrong, okay to expose
> > what m scott peck calls my "life map" to others and to be open to
> > revisions on it.
>
> > it doesn't mean that i'm bad.
> > it means that i, just like everyone else...well, i have some blind
> > spots. and the more i can expose my sense of reality without shame and
> > with openness that i can be wrong and that doesn't equal that i'm
> > terrible or have no sense of reality in me.
>
> true
>
> > perhaps one of the biggest things that makes someone have a core sense
> > of sanity is the ability to look at things and to not always assume
> > one is right about everything off the bat.
>
> very much
okay
>
> > i think i am ready to give up some of my defensiveness (that
> > defensiveness a gift given by two perhaps well-meaning p*rents) --
> > and really look things over.
> > the biggest thing here will be having balance and not letting the
> > shame override me. so i may need reality checks when i'm challenged
> > that a challenge doesn't equal i'm all wrong or all bad.
>
> ok
thanks
>
> > example -- J and i went to a couple places running errands a week or
> > two ago.
> > both errands, i got extremely irate with people who were supposed to
> > be helping me and came off cold and rude to me.
> > J. agreed completely that both the folks i got upset with were
> > thoroughly obnoxious and unhelpful, but she was able to see that it
> > really wasn't anything personally against me.
>
> > she also noted that in both instances where i was treated rudely and
> > with minimizing disrespect, i had done something that caused it to
> > happen more strongly than it might have -- what i did in both
> > situations where i needed help was utterly minimized and hid how much
> > pain i was in, so both "helpers" wondered if i was perhaps lying about
> > my needs since i presented as "fine"
>
> seems you do tend to do that
yeah -- she looked at me at the dr's office after i was totally
dismissed and said, "so this minimization doesn't seem to be serving
you very well."
>
>
>
> > it felt good, actually, when J and i were walking out of the h*spital
> > (well, i was sorta stalking out in a rage), and she reminded me that
> > maybe we should do the paperwork to be released first and thank the
> > person who *had* been nice to us.
>
> > in my rage at not being helped, i had just about assumed the whole
> > h*spital was terrible, and J reminded me to be reasonable and i was
> > able to and i was able to shift my mindset significantly from one of
> > feeling victimized and walked on to one of realizing that one person
> > was obnoxious, but that didn't mean that everything was horrible.
>
> > at first i felt defensive and then i relaxed and was grateful for J's
> > little "attitude adjustment" she'd done with me so delicately.
>
> > at no time did she deny that the person who didn't help was a jerk,
> > but she did help me to put it into perspective.
>
> > was kinda a similar scenario on asd with the munty guy.
>
> > i think i'm ready to move forward and work on being less black-and-
> > white. i think at first i thought this meant i had to drop my feelings
> > and acknowledge that i'm just crazy. now i see it's not that at all.
> > and it's pretty darn liberating. :)
>
> ok
>
> (and expect the b/w to slip back, too)
> (need to continuously confront that)
okay
need to learn to hear i'm being b/w without all the "i'm borderline"
and "my perceptions aren't real" stuff creeping in.
Emerging Butterfly
ty! :)
Sonata
Sorry, but that made us giggle a bit :P Very well-put of her
russiandolly
we're here with you on that one
so much easier to declare "everyone h*tes me" than to rationalise and
understand things
is easier in some respects, well more simple anyway, the b/w thinking
thing
think borderline term is wrong because, for us at least, those that
think like that are at the kind of ages where that is simply the way
they think, is too young for that kind of label, that's where the
doctors do a mistake because they don't realise that it's only a
little in the system causing 'real name' to present as borderline
hard work re-thinking thought patterns that are pretty well entrenched
easy to get caught up in emotional intensity of the moment
and about the blind-spots - everyone does it to a certain extent, so i
wouldn't feel guilty - i know loads of people that deny that they
drink too much for example, or say that they *always* do something
when i know for a fact that they don't
(ex claims to get up every day at seven when we know full well that he
goes ballistic if we ring before eleven cos he's still asleep)
my m*m pretends that she had a happy marriage when we know that she
didn't - the psychs reports and, well, *we* are a testament to the
fact that she didn't (plus the divorce papers of course)
sometimes it's easier not to look, to pretend otherwise, means you can
be the person you want to be instead of wh you are, but in order to
become the person you want to be, you need to realise that you are not
that person *right now*, that maybe you can change *some things* but
what had happened has happened and well, as astri said, 'just is'
confuzzled
wow :)